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You love being a mom but get overwhelmed, lost and resentful by all the parenting responsibilities. Listen as life coach, teacher and parent educator, Torie Henderson, answers common parenting dilemmas from hard working Supermoms. Are you exhausted from working hard all day but still feel like you haven’t accomplished anything? Do you want to feel calm, energized and in control? Then this podcast is for you.
Episodes
Tuesday Jul 12, 2022
How do I prioritize my to-do list?
Tuesday Jul 12, 2022
Tuesday Jul 12, 2022
How do I prioritize when there are so many demands on my time?
Episode #129
Question of the Day:
“I’m on summer break along with my kids. I’ve got a 7 week break from my job but I’m overwhelmed by all the competing priorities on my time. I want to use this time to relax with my kids by the pool, declutter and have a garage sale, teach my kids how to cook, get more exercise, see my friends and family, plant a garden, take my kids to Six Flags, and get a hold of my finances, organize my files… see what I mean? The list just keeps going on and on. I don’t want August to come along and find I haven’t accomplished any of it. These 7 weeks could easily be filled with the daily tasks of motherhood. How do I prioritize my to-do list when they all seem equally important?”
Laura
Parent Educator Answer:
When you work on the school calendar, it is very easy to put pressure on the condensed summer vacation to accomplish things you are unable to get to during the year. But thinking about all the things you want to do creates an attention bottleneck. Too many ideas swimming around our brains makes us move slower and accomplish less. Call it analysis-paralysis or overthinking, but it is a Supermom kryptonite for sure.
No one else can tell you what your priorities should be, only you know what’s right for you, but I can give you some guidelines and questions that can help you prioritize.
Too much to do and not enough time to do it? Focus on the D’s:
Declutter
Discipline
Delight
Decide
Delete
Delegate
Delay
Do
-
- Declutter - Is there anything on this list that you KNOW will get done? Perhaps relaxing at the pool is automatically built into your summer schedule so you don’t have to THINK about doing it, you’ll just do it because it’s in your routine. I don’t have to THINK about doing the dishes because the daily mess will remind me to get it done. If you enjoy gardening, perhaps you can trust yourself to do it and clear out some mental space. Holding tasks in your head unnecessarily takes up valuable mental real estate that will drain your energy. Declutter your brain by putting some tasks on autopilot.
- Discipline - Is there one thing that impacts everything else? A good night’s sleep makes everything else easier. Exercise gives you physical energy, mental clarity, and sometimes a social outlet. Perhaps getting a hold of finances will make you relax and enjoy your summer more? Use your discipline on the one thing that has the greatest impact on everything else.
- Delight - What will you regret NOT doing once school starts again? If August comes and you have a clean house and organized finances, but you never had the chance to connect with your kids or relax by the pool, you may live to regret it. Think about the ages your kids are this summer. When your kids are out of the house, what will you wish you had done with them at the ages they are today? Prioritize the activities that delight you rather than the “shoulds” and your kids will get the best version of mom.
- Decide - Is there a decision that needs to be made? Closing a loop by making a decision will give you a big boost of energy. Put a date on the calendar for your garage sale. Book a weekend trip with girlfriends. Sign up for a 5k. Hire a money coach. Also, ask yourself “What am I avoiding?” and make a decision to move that needle forward. Making decisions and committing to forward action will clear out the mental clutter and help you feel accomplished.
- Delete - Is there anything on this list you can choose NOT to do? Maybe the reason you are avoiding it is because you don’t WANT to do it and deleting it is the right thing. Kids love Six Flags but you don’t? Drop them off and enjoy a day to yourself. Is Swim Team more hassle than it’s worth? Quit. Closets can stay messy another year. Kids can teach themselves to cook on youtube. Deleting things frees up energy in a flash.
- Delegate - Is there anything on your list you can delegate to someone else? Maybe have Sunbasket or Purple Carrot meal delivery kits teach your kids how to cook. Send the kids to the pool with your neighbor while you clean closets. Let Dad spend the day at Six Flags while you work on finances. Invite your green thumbed friend to socialize and plant a garden with you. You do not need to do it all, Supermom!
- Delay - What on your list can you delay until next summer or wait until the kids are older? Intentionally deciding to delay an important task can free up some mental and emotional energy. Delay the tasks that don’t bring you delight. Delay starting a garden until spring. Delay teaching your kids to cook until they seem interested in learning. We end up delaying things unintentionally, might as well delay them on purpose so you get the benefit of feeling in control of your life.
- Do - Sometimes, the fastest way to feel better is just to DO THE DAMN THING. Spinning around inside, feeling too overwhelmed to take action, can make you feel terrible. Go for a run. Roll out your yoga mat. Put your hands in the dirt. Taking productive action fuels us and motivates us to take more productive action.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way?
Worrying - Analyzing - Overthinking - Discussing - Researching
All of these things fall into a category called “Intellectual Action.” It FEELS like we are doing something because our brains are so busy. It feels like we don’t have TIME for actual, real-life action. When we are spinning around in intellectual action we have no CLARITY. How can we move forward when there isn’t a clear step to take?
We research, we discuss, we weigh pros and cons, we try to please everyone involved (and even those not involved) but all this intellectual action does is keeps us stuck and stagnant.
What we want is BIG, BOLD ACTION. This will give us energy and momentum. Big, bold action makes us feel confident and in control.
We think we shouldn’t take action UNTIL we feel confident but it’s these big steps that actually provide confidence! We want the PERFECT path to illuminate itself to us so we can be guaranteed we won’t make a mistake.
We avoid big, bold action because we feel vulnerable and scared. So we wait for confidence to come along but it never does. Instead we feel tired and drained from NOT taking action. We feel embarrassed by our lack of productivity instead of PROUD of all we’ve accomplished.
If you are having a hard time prioritizing and feeling stagnant, you have 2 choices.
- Worry, discuss, and analyze which will keep you feeling tired, confused, and nervous.
- Feel the fear and take action anyway. Make decisions, take bold action to move the needle forward WHILE ALSO FEELING FEAR. This will keep you proud and energized.
Supermom Kryptonite - People Pleasing
When you are a card-carrying people pleaser like myself, it can really get in the way from knowing how to prioritize.
There are many people out there who have no problem prioritizing because they know who they are and what they want. They don’t dwell on how others might feel about it. This makes it so much easier to prioritize.
If your mom thinks your kids should be able to cook for themselves, and your husband can’t stand clutter, and all the neighbor kids are swimming in the community pool, it can be really hard to know what the right thing to do is FOR YOU.
But it is really, really, really important for you to know what you want, and give yourself permission to prioritize it.
No one else is going to take care of you. It’s your job to keep YOU in the driver’s seat of your life. Your higher self knows what you need to be at your best so make sure you are asking yourself on a regular basis.
What do I really, really want?
What would make this my best summer ever?
When I look back at this time of my life, what will I be most proud of?
Keep YOUR desires, your spirit front and center, and you will know how to prioritize.
Supermom PowerBoost - Let your future self be your guide
Think about your future self. Doesn’t matter if it’s 5 years in the future or 25 years, but really spend some time thinking about the person you want to be. What will you regret NOT having done during this stage of life? What accomplishment will you be most proud of? What forward momentum could you put into place now, that you will reap the rewards of later? What obstacle will you be so happy in the future that you overcame?
When I look back on my life 10 years ago, the things I am most grateful and proud of are hiring a life coach and using my tools to overcome anxiety, going all-in on my coaching business, investing in real estate, and being involved in as many areas of my kids' lives as they would have me.
We tend to be proudest of the things that are the most difficult to do. Go make your future self proud!
Quote of the Day:
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Tuesday Jul 05, 2022
Stories from Planned Parenthood
Tuesday Jul 05, 2022
Tuesday Jul 05, 2022
Dear Supermoms,
I was planning to release a podcast called “How to prioritize when you are pulled in multiple directions.” I’m going to put that one out next week instead because I have been so affected by the overturning of Roe vs. Wade by the U.S. Supreme Court that I created a special episode for you this week.
Although I consider myself “politically fluid”, I am VERY pro-kid, pro-mom and pro-choice. Motherhood is hard enough that no one should enter into it without feeling up to the task and having loads of support.
I trust moms to make decisions that have children’s best interest at heart. Continuing or terminating a pregnancy should not be a sacred decision between a woman and her state legislature.
I never thought this would happen because in the years I worked at Planned Parenthood, it was the wives and daughters of judges and senators that were the ones taking advantage of our abortion services.
People are often surprised to learn that by and large, in my 3 years experience working in the capital city of California, the poor and disadvantaged were more likely to continue their pregnancies while the educated and advantaged young women were more likely to terminate. This supports the research that says the number one way to prevent teen pregnancy is to have aspirations for the future. When a girl is looking at her future but doesn’t have a clear vision she is excited about, she is more likely to step into the future fate has provided for her. When a girl has plans and a vision for her future, and pregnancy disrupts those plans, she is more likely to terminate.
This episode is not to try to convince you to be pro-choice, or support Planned Parenthood, but I wanted to give you a glimpse of what it’s like to work inside a Planned Parenthood clinic. I keep thinking about these women and wanting to share their stories with you to put a personal face on this legal decision that has been made. I think everyone should work in a Planned Parenthood clinic for one week to expand the mind and heart by stepping into the shoes of others.
I don’t know about you, but I find voting to be difficult when I don’t have personal experience and I want to make an educated decision. I’m hoping a few stories about the women I met will give you more insight than you had yesterday.
In my 20’s, I worked for Planned Parenthood as a Reproductive Health Specialist and a peri-natal coordinator. The clinics I worked at didn’t perform abortions, we just did pelvic exams, pregnancy tests, STD/HIV tests, tubal ligation and vasectomy counseling and discussed birth control options.
I worked with the women who chose to continue their pregnancy to make sure they had access to adequate nutrition, housing, transportation, and all the things they needed to care for a newborn. We talked about the dangers of drugs and alcohol on an unborn fetus, and the benefits of regular medical care. We checked for anemia, gestational diabetes, and made sure they knew where to go to deliver the baby and to secure a car seat so they could bring the baby home from the hospital.
This is the button I wore on my backpack throughout college. I did not think I would still be fighting decades later.Here are stories of 7 young women who stand out that I will never forget:
13 year old margarita girl
Mom of 3 college students
Woman with infertility
Abused with no place to go
Numbed out teens
Depressed refugee
Daughter of a minister
Maybe if you hear these stories, you will care about these women, too.
I hope that we as a country can still provide a place factual and unbiased information, helpful decision making skills, safe, quality medical care, and a warm, loving environment with women who will care about you and your child.
Supermom Kryptonite - Buffering with optimism
Supermom Power Boost - How We Feel app
Quote of the Day:
"The argument was it's her right to decide either way, her right to decide whether or not to bear a child ... This is something central to a woman's life, to her dignity. It is a decision she must make for herself. And when the government controls that decision for her, she is being treated as less than a full adult human responsible for her own choices." Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Tuesday Jun 21, 2022
Preventing Working Mom Burnout
Tuesday Jun 21, 2022
Tuesday Jun 21, 2022
Interview with Dr. Jacqueline Kerr
Episode #127 of the Supermom is Getting Tired Podcast
Preventing Working Mom Burnout
Dr Jacqueline Kerr is a mom, behavior scientist and burnout survivor. She is in the top 1% of most cited scientists worldwide. Dr Kerr left her position as a public health professor in 2018 and now hosts the podcast 'Overcoming Working Mom Burnout' where she interviews researchers, diversity experts, and leadership coaches. She is on a mission to dismantle the causes of working mom burnout and find solutions that we can all use to change the social norms around burnout.
Watch her brilliant TEDx video here
Learn more at www.DrJacquelineKerr.com
Connect with Jacqueline on Linked In
Subscribe to the Overcoming Working Mom Burnout on your favorite podcast app!
Tuesday Jun 07, 2022
My House is My Kryptonite
Tuesday Jun 07, 2022
Tuesday Jun 07, 2022
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Episode #126 My house is my kryptonite
Dear Torie,
Being in my house drains my energy. The clutter and the chaos cause me to lose focus and feel powerless. Anything I do to try and restore order immediately gets messed up by my 3 kids and ADHD husband. When I’m in the main room, my eyes dart around to all the unfinished tasks, work that I have to do and things I hate about my house. I look for excuses to be out of my house rather than clean it. I will clean the car, work in the yard, or even run to Target to buy more stuff to cram into my already cluttered house!
How am I supposed to create a clean and relaxing home environment when being in my house makes me so tired and unfocused?
Melissa
Parent Educator Answer:
If you felt ready to tackle this situation, I would suggest hiring a personal organizer to help you do a dramatic clean sweep of your home. Choose the room that bugs you the most and pull everything out of it. This shifts the energy in your home and gives you a clean slate with renewed energy.
The problem with this method is that you aren’t getting to the root cause of WHY your house is where it is. Chances are, your room would stay clean for about a month but slowly you’d end up back where you started.
You could delegate it to your family to be in charge of, hire a housecleaner, decide not to let it bother you, create a system where the whole family pitches in on Friday nights. There are many solutions but here at the Supermom is Getting Tired podcast, we know quick fixes only last so long. To make long lasting change, we gotta do a little life coaching.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way?
First we need to debunk the idea that your house is more powerful than you are.
There is no doubt that our clutter holds energy and many people can feel drained in a messy house full of stuff. Most of us can walk into a hotel room and notice increased mental clarity compared with walking into a messy garage where we feel overwhelmed.
BUT
If you were walking through the messy garage to grap the fire extinguisher because your stove was ON FIRE, you would have complete mental clarity.
If you had 15 minutes to get 3 kids changed, 2 dogs fed, so you could make it on time for a worrisome doctor’s appointment, your brain would be overwhelmed and chaotic.
A messy house is not more powerful than your brain.
You could be sitting in your messy house, completely drained and exhausted, staring at all the clutter, when suddenly the door bell rings. At your door are balloons, cameras, and people holding a giant check saying “Congratulations on winning publishers clearing house!” Suddenly you would feel energized and delighted. You would invite these people in to your home feeling excited and happy, no more kryptonite!
Instead of “My house is my kryptonite” It would be more accurate to say “My brain, while in my house, is my kryptonite”.
This makes it easier because who determines what happens inside your brain? You do!
Nothing is going to change in your brain until you figure out WHY you want the house to be messy.
I can hear you saying, “but Torie, I DON’T want the house to be messy!”
I get it, but when you are actively creating a situation that is contrary to what you say you want, there are always two competing voices inside your head. One voice says, “I want a clean house” the other says “I want it to be messy”. This voice will sabotage any efforts you make to get organized so before you can conquer the enemy, you’ve got to get to know thy enemy.
If I say I want to lose weight, and I’m eating a donut every morning, drinking soda all day, and munching cookies in front of the TV every night, then clearly I DON’T want to lose weight. I’ve got to figure out why I WANT to gain weight so that I understand the forces that are keeping me making those choices.
Here are some subconscious reasons WHY someone might WANT to live in a messy house, even when their conscious brain says they want it clean.
- They don’t want to do what it takes to keep it clean. They don’t want to spend hours in the kitchen. They don’t want to follow their kids around the house constantly reminding them to put caps back on pens, socks in hampers, and clean out sinks.
- They feel stressed and overwhelmed on the inside and they want their environment to reflect their insides.
- They (subconsciously) think that if it gets bad enough, someone will come in and rescue them.
They love a transformation. It’s more satisfying to take a disaster and completely transform into a beautifully clean room, than to do a little bit everyday and never get to feel the energy shift that comes from a dramatic improvement. - They are seeking revenge. Keeping a house messy can be a passive aggressive way to punish our loved ones for _________(fill in the blank). It could be anything from the cultural expectations society places on mom’s shoulders to that one time you accidentally gave away a bag of my clothes to Goodwill to resentment that you spent 6 years in college to spend your days cleaning toilets and picking up dog poop.
- The desire for perfection. Some people enjoy perfecting and make things look and function beautifully but with 3 kids constantly undoing your efforts, it’s easy to feel defeated and think, “What’s the point?” You might choose to keep it messy because you are holding out for the day when you can work your perfectionistic magic.
- They dislike the space. If you are wanting to move house or do a renovation, you might purposefully let your house look as bad as possible in hopes that you will get what you want.
- There is something else going on that you don’t want to deal with and having a chronically messy house is a great distraction. If you are avoiding dealing with marriage problems, financial problems, physical or mental health problems, then having an obvious clutter problem is a handy thing to hide behind.
There are many reasons WHY people WANT to keep their house messy.
Before you try changing your house, figure out what yours is and see if it’s worth keeping it.
Ask yourself,
“Do I LIKE my reason for keeping my house messy?”
and
“Is there another way to achieve my desired goal?”
For example, when I realized I was keeping my house messy because I was resentful that this is what my life had boiled down to. I was unhappy and I want my environment to reflect that. I asked myself, “Do I LIKE my reason for keeping my house messy?” and in a way I did. When I asked, “Is there another way to get what I want?” I decided to work enough hours to pay for a housecleaner. I would rather teach preschool and parenting classes, than mop my floor. Many people would rather mop floors than teach preschool and parenting classes. Once I aligned with my values, found work I enjoyed and let someone else do the work they enjoyed restoring order to my house, I felt much more at peace in my perfectly imperfect home.
Let’s say you resonated with reason #6 and found your desire for perfection is keeping you from having a clean home. Ask yourself “Do I LIKE my reason and is there another way to active the same goal?” You might find a compromise like setting a timer for 15 minutes of tidying then you can reward yourself by color coordinating your condiments in your refrigerator.
Saralynn thought she couldn’t relax unless the house was clean. She was constantly complaining about the mess and trying to get her family to pitch in so that she could feel relaxed on the inside. Her house was messy because she didn’t want to be cleaning it all the time.
Without realizing it, she had given her away her ability to relax to outside forces and it just wasn’t working for her. Her family hid because she was constantly nagging them and they just wanted her to chill out.
She asked herself, ”Is there another way to get what I want?”
Instead of focusing on getting her home cleaned so she could relax, she focused on feeling relaxed on the inside FIRST. She found it easiest to do this outside the home so she’d go sit in her car or the backyard, breathe, read a book, and then, when she felt ready to go back inside, she would tell herself what to focus on. Saralynn would rally the kids to wipe off the counters, while she put dishes away, then go back outside and read her book. This proved to her brain that she could relax, even while her house was messy, and only devote small chunks of the day to cleaning.
If you connected with reason #4 and have a pattern of increasing messiness so that you get a big transformation, perhaps you’ll decide you like this reason and it works for you. Then you can feel at peace with your decision and eliminate the cognitive dissonance that is draining your energy.
Having two competing beliefs battling it out inside our heads will always drain our energy and cause us to lose focus and mental clarity.
The most important thing is for you to reconcile these two competing voices and figure out what you really, really want.
Your conscious brain might think it wants a perfectly tidy home but your subconscious brain might be tired and just want to rest. Finding the balance between these two voices where both get heard and respected will create a mind state of peace and clarity.
Supermom Kryptonite - “This is just how I am”
One of the biggest obstacles that interferes with our ability to grow and change is a mindset like, “This is just how I am, I’ve always been this way and nothing is going to change that.”
This is a huge block to creating new synaptic activity and growing the brain to think in a new way. When you think, “this is just how I am” you are surrendering all your personal power. “I’ve always been this way” is like announcing to the universe, “I am unable to use my imagination, my creativity, and I am completely closed off to new ideas”. It is a HUGE KRYPTONITE.
PLEASE only use this phrasing to reinforce something that you NEVER WANT TO CHANGE and you HOPE TO ALWAYS BE TRUE.
“I’m a natural born winner, always was, always will be. This is just how I am.”
“I am a child of God. Loved no matter what. Nothing will ever change how valuable I am.”
“I am enough. This is just how I am. I’ve always been good enough and nothing is going to change that.”
Be super selective where you use these “surrendering” phrases and make sure it’s something you want to always believe about yourself.
Supermom Power Boost - Trying something new
Magical things happen when we try something new. We override that part of our brain that says “This is just how you are” and we prove it wrong.
Jacqueline was trying everything to overcome working mom burnout but nothing seemed to be helping. She felt exhausted and stuck, until one day, on a whim, she signed up for an Improv class. This one act of rebellion put her on a different course. Improv helped her loosen up her thinking, trust her creativity, and get really comfortable with failure and making mistakes. From there, she hired a life coach, switched career paths, and started a podcast about overcoming working mom burnout.
One of my SuperDad clients is trying to undo his addiction to round the clock work. At our last session he says, “I’m not feeling better yet, in fact I’m getting more and more fed up and desperate for change, but I am starting to eat better. After decades of starting my day at Starbucks with a coffee and a pastry, I’ve switched to oatmeal.” This might seem like a small change but it’s a very good sign that big changes are on the horizon. Trying something new keeps the brain flexible and reminds us that we are not imprisoned by our habits.
I have had “itchy feet” all through COVID, craving travel. When I ask myself what is it about travel that I’m yearning for, the answer is novelty and adventure. In my attempt to find novelty and adventure, I’ve discovered Aerial Yoga and it has been a blast!
I feel like a kid again, hanging from these silk hammocks and flipping around and upside down. When you get older, it’s easy to get set in your ways but trying something new and difficult keeps your brain nimble and your spirit youthful. My teacher will say something like “Curl into a ball, flip to your side and rotate your leg to the ceiling”. I will repeat the words to myself but I can’t get my body to obey. It’s like she’s speaking a foreign language. I can hear my brain saying, “that’s impossible” “there is no way” and then I’ll do it and it’s like little fireworks go off in my brain. I’m terrible at it, but that’s part of the fun. I’m sure I’ll get good at it eventually but then the novelty and adventure will wear off and it will feel like an ordinary exercise class.
If you want a boost of energy, try something new and prove to your brain that you are capable of change. It doesn’t have to be in the same area where you find yourself struggling.
Messy house draining your energy? Learn a new language on Duo Lingo.
Can’t get a hold of your finances? Try some new plant based recipes.
The goal is to keep your brain flexible and remind yourself that you can create whatever you desire.
Quote of the Day:
“Successful organizing forces you to look at the big picture, not one small section of the frame, so that the system you design will be complete.” Julie Morgenstern https://www.juliemorgenstern.com/books
Monday May 23, 2022
Stop Nagging and Repeating Yourself
Monday May 23, 2022
Monday May 23, 2022
Are you tired of constantly nagging and repeating yourself?
This free masterclass will teach you how to get your kids to listen (and OBEY!), the first time you ask, freeing up your energy for more fun and important things.
You are a busy, hardworking mom.
You need your kids to step up and take on some responsibility but it all seems to fall on your shoulders.
“Put down your phone”
“Finish your homework”
“Hang up your coat”
“Turn off the xbox”
The constant nagging, reminding and TRYING to get kids to do things is exhausting.
“Get dressed”,
“Brush your teeth”
“Go to bed”
These tasks aren’t difficult.
We aren’t asking them to chop firewood or do our taxes. We are asking them to do simple things that are good for them and their future!
We’ve gotten so used to the push back, arguing, avoiding and resistance that we feel defeated before we even ask.
We know they are going to freak out when we say “turn off your ipad and come do your homework” so we start bracing ourselves for the inevitable temper tantrum that will ensue.
When we ask them to clean their clothes off the living room floor, we know they are going to blame their siblings, us, the dog, anyone other than just taking responsibility with a quick, “Ok, sure, mom.”
We ask them to clear their plate and load the dishwasher and they mumble “sure, mom, as soon as I finish my homework.” Three hours later, you are going to bed with the kitchen full of caked on dishes and your daughter has asleep watching netflix.
This is an exhausting problem
This constant nagging and TRYING to get kids to do things turns us into people we don’t like. We feel like we have to yell to be heard, and it robs us of the joy of raising our children.
There is a solution
Can you imagine how much more enjoyable your relationship with your kids would be if it didn’t revolve around making them do things?
Think about how nice your home life would be if your kids obeyed you the first time you asked?
What would you spend your freed up energy on if you could trust your kids to do what you asked of them without nagging or reminding?
The Listen Lesson will teach you how to get kids to listen and obey the first time.
The Listen Lesson
The Listen Lesson is what every parent needs to learn to feel confident and in control, knowing they can get their kid to listen to them whenever they want.
It should have been taught to us as soon as our toddler discovered the word “no”. It’s simple to learn and super practical, and yet no body teaches it to the people who need it most, MOMS!
Once you master this skill, you’ll never need to nag again.
Tuesday May 10, 2022
Dreading a Device Filled Summer
Tuesday May 10, 2022
Tuesday May 10, 2022
Episode 124: "I need a summer survival guide I can stick to."
Question of the Day:
Dear Torie,
Summer is coming and I can already anticipate my kids wanting nothing but to sit on their devices all day. Without the structure the school year provides, there is just too much down time and in my house, boredom always leads to video games, youtube and Netflix.
The problem is I have a love/hate relationship with their devices. I LOVE that they leave me alone! When they are on their devices, they stop complaining about being bored, they stop asking for snacks a million times a day, and they stop bickering and fighting with each other! Life is peaceful when devices are on.
HOWEVER, after they have been on their devices too long, I start feeling guilty. I get annoyed and start yelling at them to turn it off, go outside, call a friend. They ignore me so I threaten to chuck their ipad or cell phone out the window. It’s not pretty.
Can you help me come up with a game plan or survival guide I can stick to this summer so I don’t go insane?
Thank you,
Madison
Parent Educator Answer: A Summer Survival Guide for digital devices
What works for creating a simple system you can stick to for managing kids digital devices?
A clear and consistent schedule.
There is a reason why teachers follow and post a clear, predictable schedule for students. We like to know what to expect. It helps us relax and enjoy the moment. In the beginning there is lots of testing and pushing boundaries from kids wondering…”Do you really mean what you say?” “Are you going to stick to this or is there wiggle room?” But if you hold firm to your established boundaries, they will stop asking and simply obey the structure you have created.
Your schedule can look like “No devices before noon”
Or
“Internet access is only available between 12-2pm and 7-9pm.”
Or
“Free access all day except for the hours between 4-6pm.”
Or
“You get no more than 4 hours of play time but you choose when you use those hours."
Following through on rules could mean putting devices in a central location in your house where you can monitor, setting the wifi router or cell phone to shut off at a particular time, or using an app or chart to track screen time access.
For SURE you want to sign up for my free webinar next Tuesday so you don’t slip into the habit of constantly nagging and repeating yourself to get them to follow through on the plan!
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from creating a simple schedule and sticking to it?
- Feeling like a “bad mom”.
- Inconsistent summer schedules.
- Persistent and/or sneaky children.
- Perfectionistic fantasies.
- An absence of calm, leadership energy.
1. "Bad Mom"
When our kids have spent too much time on devices, the guilt that creeps in usually comes from a voice in our heads whispering mean things like,
“You aren’t doing it right.”
“If you were a good mom, your kids would be creating art and engineering feats in the backyard.”
“Your kids prefer video games to reading books, you are a failure as a mother.”
We KNOW we aren’t bad moms! We are working our butts off to do the right things for our kids! So when this mean voice creeps in, we have the urge to kick it to the curb. The desire to yell or chuck the xbox out the window is really a desire to toss this mean voice out the window.
Instead, meet this voice with confident compassion. “I know you think you are helping me by telling me I suck. Your opinion is noted but not welcome. I can get my kids off devices while still believing I'm a good mom.”
It takes some time and focused attention to become aware of this subconscious voice in our head so don't feel bad if you aren't aware of it or you don't feel in control. Managing this inner critic is really hard to do on your own. It helps to have a life coach or therapist there to help you separate from it.
2. Inconsistent summer schedules make it really hard to schedule consistent screen time. When you’ve got swim meets on Wednesday nights, play dates with friends and camping trips on the weekend, how are you supposed to stay consistent?
The solution is to take it one week at a time, or one day at a time. If your kids know that their screen time will be monitored everyday, it doesn’t matter if you say “today you can have devices from noon to 2:00pm”, “tomorrow 5-7:00pm”. It’s not a problem to be consistently inconsistent. Just make sure YOU don’t throw in the towel when things get dicey. The rewards of consistency are kids who know the rules and follow them without arguing and pushback.
3. Speaking of arguing and pushback, the next obstacle that keeps us from creating a schedule is argumentative, persistent and sneaky children. Some kids love a predictable routine, other kids find rebelling against routine (and mom) exciting entertainment. They get to test their manipulation skills and turn it into a competitive power struggle. If this is your scenario, the best strategy is boredom. Be consistent, follow through everyday, but don’t give it your energy and attention. Turn off the device with a yawn saying “You know the rules” then challenge them to make 10 free throws in a row. If excitement and attention are your child’s motivation to misbehave, give them something else to get excited about.
4. Perfectionistic Fantasies are these dreams we have of summer time with our kids running through the sprinklers, happily playing outside, entertaining themselves with their imagination. We think, “If I was a good mom, my kids wouldn’t be interested in screens” or “If I was a good mom, I would provide fun and stimulating activities everyday.” These perfectionistic fantasies make us feel like we are constantly failing because they never come true! Instead, expect summertime to be really hard, expect your kids to want to be on screens and get a game plan in place to take care of yourself, as well as the kids.
5. An absence of calm, leadership energy - Kids can sense when you are standing in your power, they feel your confident energy and do what you ask. If you are asking them to follow the routine from a disempowered energy, they won’t feel compelled to listen or obey. When you are afraid of their pushback, or annoyed that you have to police these devices, or exhausted from too much kid time, it’s going to mess with your leadership energy.
Lots of things get in the way when you are trying to implement parenting systems that are good for kids. Screen time feels harder to monitor because we didn’t grow up with the availability of devices like today’s kids have so we don’t have an example to imitate. Think of managing devices like brushing teeth. Eventually, it will be your kid’s job to manage on their own but until then, we can remind them and hold them accountable to a boring, consistent routine.
Supermom Kryptonite - May Crazies
The end of the year crazies are upon us. School picnics and field trips, graduation ceremonies, teacher gifts and parties. SO MUCH extra stuff gets piled on at the end of the year it can make a Momma barely have time to breathe. Give yourself grace during these months. It’s survival time. Reduce your expectations, drop a ball or two, half ass it wherever you can. Revisit your game plan once summer is in full swing and you have a little more time.
Supermom Power Boost - Diversify your joy
If you only get ONE DAY A YEAR to celebrate your awesomeness, it’s a recipe for disappointment. If Mother’s Day is the only time your family asks “What do you want, Mom?” then it’s never going to feel like enough.
I remember coming home late one night after teaching Time for The Talk. I loved teaching at night. Most nights I was exhausted by the time dinner rolled around but teaching gave me a burst of energy. I got to do my hair and makeup, hang out with amazing parents and kids, have some fun doing what I loved, then come home and the kids would already be in bed. No dinner, no bath, no bedtime routine! Coming home after teaching was my favorite! I would heat up some dinner, curl up on the couch and watch Survivor.
One night I came home and SOMEBODY messed up my DVR recording. I was so looking forward to my favorite Monday night routine but when I found out my favorite show was not recorded, I LOST IT! Total exploding doormat: tears, yelling, temper tantrum. What that taught me is that I need more than just one evening a week of JOY. I need to diversify so that when something goes wrong, my sanity doesn’t go down the toilet.
Last Wednesday, I made plans to go golfing with my husband after work. It was the warmest day we’d had in 7 months and I wanted to enjoy it! It took longer than we thought to finish up work and get out of the house, by the time we got to the golf course, it was too late. Even though the sun was shining and the weather was warm, they were still on spring hours, not summer. No problem, we’ll go to another course nearby. Turns out the sprinklers were going on soon and we wouldn’t be able to get 9 holes in. Fine, we’ll just hit some balls at the driving range. Guess what? The driving range closes early for cleanup on Wednesdays. Fine, we’ll go for a hike. My husband’s allergies kick in before we get to the trail head.
In the past, this would have sent me into a tearful rage because it was my one and only opportunity to get away for a golf outing. But because I now have more time for me than ever before, I was able to roll with the punches. I didn’t feel scarcity around this day, so I was able to enjoy sitting in the sunshine, just having a beer and watching other people golf.
Be sure to diversify your joy, especially in the summer. Have it come in from more than one place. If food is your main source of pleasure and self indulgence, it will leave you hungry for more. If your partner is your sole source of sanity and companionship, when they go out of town you may come unhinged. Think about getting your happiness from a variety of sources, building in lots of time for fun, relaxation and pleasure, so you can avoid the “Exploding Doormat Syndrome” when your kids aren’t following the screen time protocol.
Quote of the Day:
"Our children are counting on us to provide two things: consistency and structure. Children need parents who say what they mean, mean what they say, and do what they say they are going to do.” Barbara Coloroso
Tuesday Apr 26, 2022
No matter how much I give, they still want more
Tuesday Apr 26, 2022
Tuesday Apr 26, 2022
Episode #123 "No matter how much I give, they still want more."
Question of the Day:
“I’ve given my 3 daughters everything. I think I’ve been a good mom and they tell me so. I know I’m very lucky that my 3 adolescent daughters love me so much and still want to be with me, but… sometimes I wish they were more independent. I hear moms complain about their daughter’s hanging out in the room too much, or always going out with friends, and I kind of wish my girls were more like that. It seems that no matter how much of my love, companionship, attention or support I give them, they still want more. They are 12, 15, and 17 and they still want me to cook for them, watch TV with them, go shopping with them, do their hair, or just hang out with them. When can I expect them to want more independence? I’d really like to have some free time to do the things I want to do.”
Missy
Parent Educator Answer:
Looking at the social and emotional milestones we expect to see in girls, it would be normal to expect a push towards independence at the ages your girls are. Between the ages of 10-14, girls tend to create (or crave) more emotionally intimate relationships with their peers. You might see the advent of a tight knit group or clique, or a “best friend” situation emerge.
Some cultures have a very significant right of passage to help a child shift their identity from child to adult. In the absence of a ceremony, it takes on a more gradual process. The tight friend or group helps the child feel more comfortable being away from mom and dad. It’s a way to practice independence without being thrust out on your own.
Even though it is developmentally appropriate to see this shift, social distancing through a wrench into a lot of normal developmental expectations for teens.
If your daughters have made it through ages 15 - 17 and still consider you their best friend, it’s time for you to encourage independence in them.
It might seem like a wonderful thing to have girls who want you with them all the time, but if you aren’t seeing them take on new challenges, making new friends or striving towards independence, you may have to act like a momma bird, nudge them out of the nest and show them they are capable of using their wings.
If you have a toddler who just wanted to be carried around all the time, and wasn’t interested in learning to walk, you would find a way to balance your child’s desire with what you know is good for them. You would put them down, and give big smiles and praise when they cruised on furniture. You would celebrate their developmental milestones by taking pictures and sharing their successes with other family members. When they got tired, you would put them in the stroller. After a day of developing their skill, you would hold them and put them to bed. As a mom, our job is to love, nurture, and provide, while also encouraging them to grow into independent adults.
If your teens aren’t actively seeking independence, it’s time for Momma to encourage it, praise it, celebrate it and hold them accountable. The love, care and nurture can come AFTER your teens can demonstrate they are taking on new adult challenges, trying something new and uncomfortable, going outside their comfort zone, spending time cultivating friendships, or any striving towards independence.
We want to make sure we are always growing and learning, not avoiding challenges out of fear.
Some examples of developmentally appropriate independent activities for 12-17 year olds are:
Cooking for themselves and the family.
Cleaning up their room, bathroom and kitchen.
Yard work.
Babysitting, pet sitting and house sitting for other families.
Riding public transportation (by themselves).
Applying for jobs.
Making appointments for themselves.
Hosting/coordinating parties and gatherings for friends.
Traveling without mom and dad.
Walking to the store to buy groceries.
Talking to teachers about school work.
When you’ve created a cozy little nest, it makes sense that your kids wouldn’t want to leave it. But like all moms in the animal kingdom, our job is to teach our kids how to survive in the wild. If we don’t create some constructive adversity, our kids may never get to see how capable they truly are.
We need to encourage our kids to seek out challenges that are difficult, embarrassing, awkward, and uncomfortable. They can’t be confident until they’ve developed competence and they don’t get competent without making some uncomfortable mistakes first.
If your girls ARE taking on new challenges, growing and adulting, they just want mom by their side, then we move to the life coaching answer.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from encouraging our teens to be more independent?
A belief that it’s our job to make them comfortable and a belief that it’s not ok to prioritize our needs over theirs.
You can hear it in the question.
Missy says, “I want them to not need me so much.” “They want me to be with them”
You know what you want, which is great, but who is currently GETTING what they want?
The girls.
Why? Why do they get what they want instead of you?
Because there is some kind of belief that says,
“It’s my job to make them happy.” or
“I’m supposed to ignore what I want and give them what they want.” or
“Their desires are more important than mine.”
Because they want you, you are somehow required by law to obey them?
What would happen if you did what YOU wanted? Let’s imagine that your whole day is crafted exactly the way YOU want it. No more prioritizing other people’s desires above your own. You just get to arrange your day the way that works best for you.
What would your mornings look like?
If you could do what you wanted, how would you spend your afternoon and evening?
What would you do on the weekend if it was totally up to you?
Can you see that flipping this dynamic would make your girls uncomfortable?
That’s exactly what we want! To nudge them out of the nest using natural constructive adversity!
When they are hungry, and no one is cooking for them, they might try cooking. They might burn something, break a dish or explode something in the microwave, perfect! That’s what the road to independence looks like!
When they get lonely or bored, they might reach out to a friend. They might be brave and invite them to do something fun: go bowling or roller skating or just meet at a coffee shop and flirt with the barista. Wonderful! Taking emotional risks is the best way to prevent social anxiety. Celebrate your daughter’s bravery, we need more teenagers willing to take the social lead!
Our job is not to make our kids comfortable, our job is to encourage them to live in the “growth zone”. In between the comfort zone and the discomfort zone, is the GROWTH ZONE. When we live in the growth zone, life feels exciting. We build resilience by taking risks, falling on our face, and trying again the next day. We learn, we fail, we grow, we try again. This is living.
It’s time to let go of the old beliefs that were true when they were babies “It’s my job to make them comfortable” and update the brain to raising adolescents by adopting the belief, “It’s my job to make them UNCOMFORTABLE.”
Remember, children learn by imitation so if YOU are struggling to go outside YOUR comfort zone, take on new challenges and make mistakes, starting with yourself is the first order of business.
Make a new friend, go on an adventure, hire a life coach, and then brag to your girls about how proud you are of yourself. Soon, the whole family can grow together and celebrate each other's growth.
Supermom Kryptonite - When being around your child drains all your energy.
This is a hard thing to describe but important to recognize. All kids drain their mom’s energy to some degree but some children have the ability to drain it in a unique way. The best way I’ve found to describe it is like the kid’s battery is running low and they plug into their MOM as their outlet. They use mom's energy to power themselves up.
Most of us, when we are running low on energy, will power up with sleep, rest, zoning out, solitude, food, or just relaxing in the sunshine with a good book. It’s normal for young kids to feel calmed and comforted by their mom’s presence. This is different. Some kids will power up their energy by TAKING it from their mom.
The moms I’ve coached who are stuck in this predicament have a hard time getting help for it because it’s hard to describe. I’m always so glad they found my podcast and have come in for life coaching because this is a no-win situation.
Kids need to learn to fill up their own tank and moms need as much energy as they can get. If you know anyone who seems to lose themselves around their kids, turns into a “zombie mommy” after spending a short time with their child, or feels fully alive away from kids, but flatlines when around them, please send them this podcast and encourage them to schedule a free discovery call.
Sometimes this energy draining phenomenon looks like a child LOVING on mom: touching, demanding eye contact, pulling, clinging, wanting to be physically and emotionally intertwined. A "velcro child".
Other times it looks like a child “throwing emotions at mom”. For example, a child stubs her toe, looks over at her mom with a glare, and says “MOM!” with blame in her tone of voice as though its mom’s fault she stubbed her toe.
Some children want to be alone with their negative emotions, others want to wail and throw tantrums. Others blame their siblings or the stupid furniture that got in their way and made them trip. Energy draining children will come sit right in front of mom, look her in the eye with a “What are you going to do about it?” expression.
It’s as though these draining kids have the subconscious belief that mom is the cause of unwanted emotions, and the cure for positive ones. It is unhealthy for both parties so please seek help if this resonates with you.
Supermom Powerboost - Relinquish your authority
If you are used to being in charge, making decisions, coordinating, planning and executing, it is really nice to relinquish your responsibility once in a while. When you LIKE doing these things, and you are good at them, it’s easy to find yourself taking this role in every area of your life.
If you are a high powered Supermom with a lot of people relying on you, get a boost of energy by surrendering your authority to someone super capable.
Last week I traveled with my brother and it has been so nice to relinquish control over the trip planning and coordination. He is highly capable, but he’s also been to Paris many times before and has more command of the language. It made sense to let him figure out the transportation and accommodations while I just went along for the ride.
Even though it was somewhat uncomfortable because my comfort zone is to be the one in charge, it was so relaxing (kind of like being a kid!). Not only did I get a break from my routine and a change of scenery, but I got a break from the role I usually play and I thoroughly enjoyed not being in charge for a little while.
It’s the same feeling I had around my yoga teacher. I could take my worn out, stressed out body, plop it on a mat in her yoga studio, and trust her to bring me back to a calm, energized state. I just did what she told me to do, no thinking required, and she was deliciously reliable.
When you are used to being in charge, and you like it done a certain way, it can be hard to let go of control. Keep looking until you can find someone competent, someone who gets you, and is a bigger expert than you are. This is what I offer in my Time for The Talk class. For one month, you do not need to be the expert in puberty and sex education. You get a break from being in charge and just sit alongside your kiddo in a relaxed, interactive learning environment.
I found a similarly relaxing experience at family camp. I’m there, but I’m not in charge. Competent people are arranging the activities, doing the driving, the cooking, and the dishes. It was HEAVEN.
If you are the captain of your family ship, find a way to sit in other people’s ships once in a while and let other people take the lead. It is so worthwhile and I promise, the opportunities exist out there. You deserve a break, Supermom.
Quote of the Day
“It is not what you have done for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.” Ann Landers
Tuesday Apr 12, 2022
Raising a VERY challenging child into adulthood.
Tuesday Apr 12, 2022
Tuesday Apr 12, 2022
From difficult child to successful adult
When you've got a child who is A LOT harder to raise than the average kid, listening to parenting podcasts and experts can be SUPER frustrating. None of the advice seems geared towards you. You feel lonely and isolated, feeling like people just don't get it. The amount of unsolicited advice from friends and family is UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING.
How can I listen to parents complaining about bad grades and messy rooms when my child just attempted suicide and is being kicked out of yet another residential treatment program?
Today's episode is a light of hope for parents who are currently dealing with kids in very difficult situations. I wanted to show you Supermoms how things can turn out beautifully, even when it seems like there is no way they ever will.
When your child is in a dark place, it's easy to futurize and catastrophize, painting a very dismal picture of their future. Wendy wasn't sure her daughter would make it to adulthood, let alone live independently, hold down a job, and have healthy relationships with people that didn't require mom's facilitation and intervention.
This podcast is an interview with an amazing Supermom and long term client who is enjoying a beautiful relationship with her special needs daughter after years of struggle and difficulties.
If you are challenged by your teen or tween, this interview will give you inspiration and appreciation. Wendy is a fantastic mom, a brilliant artist, and continues to grow and learn as she enjoys her empty nest stage of life.
Tuesday Mar 29, 2022
How can I get organized when the clutter is so overwhelming?
Tuesday Mar 29, 2022
Tuesday Mar 29, 2022
Ep. 121 Creating Calm: 5-day Declutter Challenge
This week's podcast is going to be a little different because the answer to today’s question is being answered all week long.
I’ve teamed up with organizing expert Tracy Hoth of Simply Square Away, to offer you Creating Calm: a 5-day declutter challenge.
We are going live inside the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group to help you take control of your home, declutter and organize, so you can feel calmer.
By the time you listen to this, the challenge has already begun so make sure you get over there quickly! We are offering prizes to all who participate in this challenge so say goodbye to that messy closet, and get excited to lift your energy!
Sometimes when moms think about trying to organize, they feel overwhelmed. In preparing for this week, I heard moms say...
There is so much clutter around my house I can’t think straight. I’m embarrassed when people stop by my house. I really want to get organized but I’m too exhausted to make it happen.
I have no time to follow my kids around, making sure they pick up after themselves. I want to just snap my fingers and get it all cleaned up but knowing me, even if the whole house was cleaned, it would be right back where it started 3 days later.
If you are trying to figure out how you can create the calm environment you crave, when you don’t have time or energy to organize, then this challenge is for you.
Our brains don’t like change. They perceive new things as scary. So they always come up with reasons why you should stay exactly as you are. “I don’t have time, money or energy” are very popular ones. Followed by “I would do it if my family would let me or was more supportive.”
Don’t let your brain’s default setting keep you from getting what you really want.
If you have a desire to have a clean and tidy home you can be proud of, a home that calms and energizes you at the same time, then you deserve to have that.
Want to know what causes fatigue?
Clutter. Indecision. Avoiding things. Not taking action on things you genuinely want is a HUGE energy drain!
Think about a phone call you have to make but you keep avoiding it. That difficult conversation you’ve been meaning to have with your family member. Finding a trust attorney to put together your living will. Jumping through the automated hoops with AT&T to finally resolve that discrepancy on your bill.
Can you feel the weight of those phone calls you are dreading? Now imagine having completed them. You’ve been avoiding them for MONTHS but those 3 phone calls only took 45 minutes out of your life! Now you get to feel accomplished and proud…you are full of energy and ready to move on!
It feels AMAZING to tackle things you’ve been avoiding. So the reason you are avoiding cleaning that messy closet, (no time or energy) can be remedied by actually cleaning out the messy closet!
I do not disagree that you are tired and have a lot on your plate. That’s just a fact of modern living that I’m sure is true.
I’m just saying there is a difference between resting and avoiding.
If you are tired, and you rest, you feel better after. You have more energy to go back to work.
If you are tired, and you rest, and you feel MORE drained after, then you are avoiding doing the thing that is actually going to GIVE you energy.
If you decide NOT to participate in the 5 day declutter challenge, and next week you look at your messy kitchen counter and think, “I’m so glad I didn’t participate. That was the right choice for me because I spent my time doing more important and valuable things.” then great, you made the right decision for you.
If, however, next week, you are looking at your cluttered kitchen counter and thinking, “I really should have participated in that challenge. It would have been good for me to tackle this mess I’ve been avoiding.” then it’s not too late!
Hop on over to the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group and join Tracy and Torie for a boost of energy.
Tuesday Mar 15, 2022
Sad about kids growing up
Tuesday Mar 15, 2022
Tuesday Mar 15, 2022
Sad about letting go of little kids
Question of the Day:
"How do I get over that feeling of loss for my little kids?
I miss them being small, loving and playful, always wanting me to be with them. I had so much fun when they were little, playing outside, doing crafts, even just hanging out at home watching movies.
Now that I have a teen and tween, I feel like they don't want or need me around. They would rather be with their friends which I know is normal and I’m happy they are enjoying activities, school and friends, but I miss my time with them so much.
I'm not sure how to fit into their lives right now. I know they are just growing up like they should be doing. And don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of them and how independent they have become. But I would love to have them run up and ask me for a hug or grab my hand and ask me to play a game one more time!"
The other day, my almost 13 year old was at school and sent me a text that he forgot his basketball bag for practice after school. I work from home so I said I could drop it off at lunch hour. I gathered up everything he would need, put it in his bag and dropped it off at school. Afterwards I felt so happy and useful. Doesn’t that sound crazy?”
Kelly
Parent Educator Answer:
First of all, no, it does not sound crazy at all. Many moms can relate because it feels good to be needed and valued and it’s a huge part of our lives. It is ironic because the other podcast topics I was considering for today were: “I’m not cut out for servitude” and “No matter how much I give, they still want more.” So it is nice for moms to hear that they might actually miss the constant demands someday.
There is a movie on Netflix called “Otherhood” about 3 moms whose kids have grown up and moved out. They describe motherhood as a long, slow breakup. “That sinking feeling that you are being broken up with on a gradual but daily basis.”
We go from a very loving and intense relationship, spending lots of time fully enmeshed in each other’s lives, to slowly being made redundant. Not fired, just demoted. As your kids become more responsible and independent, your role in their lives diminishes. We go from playing the leading role, to supporting lead, bit player or worse, the antagonist.
It can be difficult and sad. The first thing to become aware of is the difference between clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain feels pure and appropriate for the situation. If you have a miscarriage, there is some healthy and healing clean grief to experience. As the tears flow, we acknowledge the loss and let go of the dreams we had for this child’s future that will never come to be.
The dirty pain comes in when we think thoughts like, “Bad things always happen to me.” “God is punishing me for drinking that beer.” Our thoughts can perpetuate sadness, making it last forever. Clean sadness helps us move forward. Dirty grief keeps us stuck in wishing things are different than they are.
The purpose of sadness is to identify something we are ready to let go of. You might say you aren’t ready to let go of your little kids, that you want them to be young again, but notice how those thoughts make you feel. When we long for something that is impossible to have we suffer unnecessarily.
What we want to do is examine: Which aspects of the past are you ready to say goodbye to and which aspects do you want to bring with you into your future?
Grab your tissue box and practice letting go of the past right now:
I say goodbye to the child who always wanted me with them.
I say goodbye to being your number one favorite person.
I say goodbye to playing games with you whenever I want.
I say goodbye to managing your calendar and choosing your friends.
I say goodbye to managing your school work.
I say goodbye to being able to hug you whenever I want.
I say goodbye to holding your hand.
I say goodbye to doing arts and crafts whenever I wanted.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from letting go?
Our higher self, trying to get our attention to something that is important for us to bring forward.
When you feel resistance to letting go, it may because there is an ELEMENT you need to hold on to and carry into your future. If you don’t want to let go of doing arts and crafts with your kids, it may be because your spirit craves more artistic, creative time. Or maybe you love teaching young children to create things with their hands. You’ll want to take a deeper dive into what, exactly, you do not want to let go of.
The best way to figure this out is with a question I got from Bev Barnes in episode 101 when she coached me on finding my soul’s calling. She asked me “What aspect of parenting your children are you most proud of?” For some reason, this question illuminates a part of our essence, our spirit, that doesn’t want to be let go of. To my surprise, I said, the thing I was most proud of was the parties I hosted throughout the years. Bev pointed out that me, creating in person events and experiences for others was an important part of me, feeling like me. When letting go of your kids, it’s important not to let go of the parts of ourselves that we loved the most.
I asked another client what she was most proud of during her time as mom and she talked about how confident and sure of herself she was. She felt very attuned to her child and confident she was making the right decisions, even when family and friends disagreed. Of course, she doesn’t want to let go of feeling confident and self assured! She felt like the best version of herself back then. Her higher self doesn’t want to grieve the loss of the best time of her life, it wants her to learn how to be the best, most confident version of herself now and into the future!
I asked Kelly what she was most proud of when the kids were little and she said balance.
“When the kids were little, I worked hard at balancing my full time office job, parenting, time for myself, time with my husband and time with my friends. We had a good structure and it worked. As the kids grew, my time with the kids is less because they no longer need me at each event. I spend more time sitting in the car than anything. And they have so many things going on in separate places that I have less time with my husband. We are usually split up between kids. My friends are in the same boat, too busy to get away for some adult time.”
There are two ways our higher self tries to get our attention. Yearning and discontent.
Kelly is yearning for the younger kids because she feels discontent with her life as a chauffeur. She longs for the balance she had back then.
Once you realize what you are yearning for, it’s easier to create it. We can’t make the kids smaller, but you can get more involved with the parents on the sidelines of the basketball games. If you are sitting in the car, you can use that time to talk on the phone to a friend. You could ask another mom to go for a walk while the kids have practice or plan a team bonding event for parents and kids.
When you find yourself wanting to hold onto the past, ask yourself what specifically you miss that you want to bring forward into your future.
Raising tweens and teens is a continuous process of letting go. By letting go, you make space for new and wonderful things to come in.
Supermom Kryptonite: Assigning credit to others
It’s pretty common to assign credit to others. Kelly thought having little kids around her made her feel balanced, but if that was true, every mom would feel balanced while working full time and raising little kids. She gave the credit to her life circumstance rather than owning that it really was SHE who created the work/life balance.
When we assign credit to others (I was successful at that job because I had a great boss and a supportive team) it sounds wonderful but it makes us a victim of our circumstance. In the future, when we don’t have a great boss or supportive team, we feel powerless. Better to own your part in your success. “I made the most of that supportive environment and used it to be successful in my job.”
If you think you can’t be balanced because of the age of your children, you give away your power to make the changes your spirit is calling for.
Supermom Power Boost: Create a higher vision for yourself after the kids leave.
I was never the mom to cry at graduations or milestone events in my kids’ lives. Everyone knew which were moms to pass tissues to, knowing the waterworks would be flowing. So, me being me, asked them, “What are you thinking about that makes you so sad?” Reliably, these sentimental moms would be thinking about the past. How cute and nervous they were on their first day of school. What it felt like to hold their hand as they crossed the street. Enjoying the camaraderie of other parents while working on school projects, field trips and parties.
There is nothing wrong with being sentimental but if you are tired of feeling sad, try imagining a fun and exciting future.
It’s easy to imagine your kids growing up having exciting new experiences, meeting new people and discovering new adventures. It’s harder to imagine OURSELVES doing these things so it might take a little practice.
What’s something you loved doing before you had kids that you might like to rekindle? I used to love dancing, traveling with girlfriends, and spending time alone in nature.
What’s something you would love to do more of once your kid starts driving? Having a teen and tween means a lot of time spent driving around town. Use this time to start creating a vision for your future that you are excited about. What will be great about having your kids out of the house? What would you like your relationship with your adult kids to look like?
I asked my facebook folks to tell me some of the things they enjoy doing with their adult children that they didn’t do much of when they were young. Here are their answers and ideas to get you started:
- Biking, roller blading, golfing, kayaking, paddleboarding, skiing, etc.
- Beauty and shopping day in the city
- Cooking, eating, and game nights
- Beer and wine tasting
- Traveling and concerts.
- Camping, hiking, boating
You can enjoy these teen and tween years by letting go of the past, bringing forward the things that are most important to you, and creating a vision for the future that excites you.
Quote of the day:
“You cannot explore new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Andre Gide