Supermom is Getting Tired

I can’t get anything done! - Replay

Episode #154 - I can’t get anything done! - Replay 

Question of the Day: 

I am thrilled that school is back in session —really I am—but I am gobsmacked at how little time I have for myself. I’ve been holding my breath waiting for all my kids to be in school at the same time so I could finally get a moment of peace. Now that it’s here, I feel trapped and overwhelmed by the schedule and everything on my to-do list.

Mornings are 100% about getting the kids out the door. There is no time for me unless I get up ridiculously early, and that feels like torture. Afternoons are complete chaos, trying to juggle carpooling, homework, and after school activities. I need to get dinner on the table all by myself while my attention gets pulled in a million directions.

While the kids are at school, I really should be exercising because it helps my stress level but how can I prioritize myself when there are so many other demands on my time? 

By the time the kids are in bed, I’m too exhausted to do anything. I’m so frustrated that this is my life and I can’t see any way out. 

Monique

P.S. My husband is a firefighter so he’s gone for extended periods of time. With fire season, it’s not like he’s off vacationing, but he’s so tired and out of sync with our routines that he is no help even when he’s home. 

Parent Educator Answer:

Can you hear what emotion Monique is in? Notice the energy with which she wrote this. Overwhelmed. Powerless. Trapped. Exhausted. 

Usually, I would start by giving you some tips and tricks to help you solve your problem. A good time management tip is to make a list of activities that require no brain power that you can do while distracted like laundry and dishes. Only do these activities when your kids are around. Save the activities that require your attention, like writing emails or trying a new recipe, until you have time for yourself. 

But any suggestions I give are just going to make her awful, when she already feels awful. 

When we are feeling this overwhelmed and exhausted, venting to a compassionate witness is the best medicine. My guess is that Monique felt a reprieve just by putting her words into an email. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way from getting what she wants? 

 

Can you imagine there is another mom out there with the same schedule and routine who doesn’t feel this way? 

Maybe there is a mom who feels busy and needed, but also valued and purposeful. Or maybe there’s a mom out there who feels guilty and ashamed for not getting more done in a day—she goes through her day quietly feeling like a failure. Maybe there’s a mom who doesn’t notice how much she accomplishes in a day—she doesn’t measure her worthiness by how much she gets done but cares more about how she looks.

So many times we look to other moms as evidence to prove that we aren’t good enough or we aren’t doing it right. I want you to look to other moms as examples of our flexible brains and how powerful our thoughts are. 

The reason Monique is feeling powerless is because of the words she is using. The words we use dictate how we feel. Words have power. 

When we use words like “I CAN’T get anything done” or “I SHOULD be exercising” or “I NEED to get dinner on the table”  It creates a helpless and powerless feeling in the body. We feel trapped. We can’t see any way out. Helplessness is one of the worst things for the human psyche. All humans have an innate desire to feel free.

Monique feels “trapped by the schedule” and “overwhelmed by the to-do list” as though they have more power than she does. The way she words“There’s no time for me”and “This is my life” as though she’s just reporting factual details, is going to give anyone the exact feelings she reports feeling. 

Notice how you feel when you think the thought “I am tired.” Tired, right? 

How about “I’m overwhelmed.” When I think it, my brain starts looking for all the things I have going on.

The “I am” statement is extremely powerful. Whatever follows those two words, you are guaranteed to experience. 

Our bodies don’t like when we lie. I wouldn’t suggest Monique saying “I am fully rested and happy to be here,” but she could ease into some softer “I am” statements with “I am tired but that’s ok.” “I am managing a busy schedule” to give her some more peace. 

 

The good news is that all this is fixable. She’s a perfect candidate for the Supermom is Getting Tired coaching program because she would feel SO MUCH BETTER at the end of the 12 weeks! 

 

The most important thing for Monique is recognizing that she is creating her negative emotions. She has more power than she realizes to change. Not in an “I’m not doing it right” way, (watch out for this inner demon who prevents you from making changes) but by thinking “There is a skill set I can learn that will dramatically improve my life.” 

 

The second thing Monique can do is to stop using the words “I CAN’T” “I HAVE TO” “I NEED TO” and “I SHOULD”. These words all create a feeling of helplessness and keep us feeling like prisoners with our children, house, and to-do list as our prison guards. 

To set yourself free from this mental prison, focus on what you want instead. 

“I want to feel calm.”  “I want to pick my kids up at school.” “I want to feed my family.”

If those don’t feel true, then switch to “I will” or “I intend to”. Remind yourself (daily), that you can do whatever you want to do. 

You don’t have to pick the kids up at school. You could go to the movies by yourself and make them wait for you or walk home. 

You don’t have to feed them dinner. You could listen to them complain or let them eat cereal for dinner. You might CHOOSE to feed them because you don’t like the alternative, but that freedom is yours for the taking. 

You don’t have to drive the soccer practice carpool. You might choose to because you want to do your part and you like seeing your daughter happy and sweaty afterwards. 

You don’t have to do laundry. Your kids can wear dirty stinky clothes and probably won’t even mind. You want to do laundry because you don’t want to be embarrassed.

 

We are always free. We are born free and die free. Even when we have three little monsters demanding food, time, and attention, we could walk out that door and never come back. We choose not to, because we love those little monsters. 

Supermom Kryptonite - Fighting for Freedom with Negative Liberty

 

You cannot turn on the news these days without someone shouting, “They are trying to take away my freedom!” I’ve been talking about the FEELING of freedom that is really important for our spirits. To live our best life, we need to believe we are free to do whatever we want. If not, we get stuck in fear. 

 

When people shout about politics “taking away freedom” they are talking about civil rights or civil liberties, “The rights of citizens to political and social freedom and equality.”  I don’t want to minimize this important distinction by saying you can feel free whenever you want. 

 

These are arguments of people “fighting for freedom”. See if you can guess what they are arguing for. 

(Mask wearing) “Requiring someone to wear something or do something is an overreach of governmental power”

(pro-choice) “Every human being has a right to own their own body and should be able to decide what to do with their body.”

(carry concealed weapons) “THIS issue is fundamental and essential to maintaining liberty as are the rights of free speech, free press, freedom of religion and other encroachments on liberty.”

(anti-vaxxers) “We are for medical freedom and body autonomy. Our bodies are ours, not for someone else to govern. We are fighting for our freedom.”

(euthanasia)  “We have the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Doctors should not be allowed to decide who lives and who dies.”

 

Let’s use the recent Texas court decision to ban all abortions after 6 weeks of pregnancy as an example. 

Women in Texas can still FEEL free by thinking “I still have choices. I can go to another state to have an abortion. I can take the morning after pill or find a “back-alley coat-hanger clinic” to do the job.” Texas has ruled to remove civil rights for half their population. Now making it one of the least free states in our country. 

 

There is actually something called the Human Freedom Index: A Global Measurement of Personal, Civil and Economic Freedom. In a very long and well researched academic report, the authors ranked countries in freedom and civil liberties, from highest to lowest. 

Which freedoms are considered in this Index? • Rule of Law • Security and Safety • Movement • Religion • Association, Assembly, and Civil Society • Expression and Information • Identity and Relationships • Size of Government • Legal System and Property Rights • Access to Sound Money • Freedom to Trade Internationally • Regulation of Credit, Labor, and Business.

 

Unsurprisingly, the top 10 countries that rank highest on happiness ratings, also ranked highest on the freedom index: Finland, Switzerland, New Zealand, Norway, Austria, Denmark, Canada, The Netherlands, and my family’s country of origin, Luxembourg, made the list in 2020. 

 

The U.S. ranked 17th on the freedom index and 18th on happiness. 

 

The Freedom Index defines freedom as a social construct that recognizes the dignity of individuals and is defined by the absence of coercive restraint. “Individuals have the right to lead their lives as they wish as long as they respect the equal rights of others.”

 

Countries that rank highest in freedom trust their citizens to make decisions that are right for them. They respect free will, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

 

So I can choose not to wear a mask at a grocery store, but when I do, I compromise the freedom of others to shop safely. So my freedom restricts the freedom of others. The government creates laws to help people enjoy their civil liberties. 

 

I love knowing that if I buy property, no one can take it away from me or without consequences. There are laws in place to protect my freedom to come home and not find squatters in my house. 

My beloved Costa Rica scores high on happiness rankings, but low on the freedom index because the legal system does not impose restrictions on criminals. They have negative liberty, meaning non-interference by government, so people can do what they want without consequences, but this impacts the security and economic freedom for a majority of citizens. 

 

Think about it this way. 

Negative Liberty is noninterference by others. If your kid doesn’t want to go to school, negative liberty means no interference. We’ve created laws that make this illegal because getting an education increases the child’s civil liberties, which increases access to economic, social freedom.

When your teen says, “You have no right to take away my cell phone! I should be free to watch porn all day if I want to!” You can say you are actually increasing his civil liberties, giving him access to education, jobs, transportation and relationships with real people. By restricting this one freedom you increase his access to a more fulfilling life. 

Positive Liberty removes the constraints that impede one’s personal improvement of the fulfillment of individual potential. Positive liberty cannot be imposed by others because we naturally have conflicting views on whether and how to achieve self-improvement. Positive freedom means different things to different people.

If you told your teen they have to play football to fulfill his potential and have a meaningful life, it restricts freedom because no one else can impose their idea of self improvement. 

When politicians decide that women are not allowed to make medical decisions about their own bodies, they are taking away freedom like a country that imposes marriage for 13 year olds. 

 

Supermom Power Boost: Practice feeling free

Freedom is not just an important FEELING but also a VALUABLE CIVIL RIGHT. Let’s make sure we have BOTH. One, by not imprisoning yourself with your thoughts and two, by not imposing your values and ideologies on others. 

Today’s Supermom Power Boost is to practice the feeling of freedom so you can experience how good it feels. 

The more free you feel, the happier you will be. 

When you interact with others, your joy will leak out and infect others. 

When you experience the benefits of freedom, you’ll want to encourage others to seek it for themselves (without assuming you know what’s right for them). 

 

My favorite way to practice freedom is with the thought, “I can do whatever I want!” 

I walk around my house thinking, “I can do anything I want to do right now! I can tidy, but I don’t have to. I can get on an airplane to Tahiti, but I choose not to. I can sit on my couch and read a book, but I would rather fold laundry. Isn’t this exciting?! 

I can be married, or single. I can earn money, spend money, or invest money. I can MAKE my teenager cuddle me, but I choose not to because she does not like it and I don’t want to take away her civil liberties!  I am free to become the best version of me! 

 

Quote of the Day: 

“There are two ways to go to the gas chamber, free and not free.” Jean Paul Sartre

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor E. Frankl

Rebroadcast: I feel bad for not playing with my kids

Episode #153

Question of the

 Day:

 

Dear Torie, 

I feel bad for not playing with my kids. They are super cute 5 and 8 year olds who happily live in the moment. I would love to be more like them. When they ask me to play, I TRY to say yes, but either I start cleaning up or I turn it into a lesson. 

The other day, they wanted me to swim in the pool with them. I WANT to be the kind of mom who can have fun playing in the pool with her kids!  I make myself stop cleaning and put my swimsuit on. I wasn’t in there 5 minutes before I started advising them on the proper breaststroke technique and making them swim laps. It’s like I forgot how to play.

My daughter wants me to shoot hoops with her in the street. I love that she is excited about playing basketball! I want to encourage her and play with her, but my attention span is so short. I tell myself “just play with her for 5 minutes” but it’s agonizing. I feel like I’m wasting time because there are so many things that need to get done. 

Can you help this “All work and no play” momma become fun-loving and playful? 

Tamika

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

The first thing that might be getting in your way is your “play personality”. 

You say you forgot how to play, but I would offer that what feels like play to your kids, may not feel like play to YOU. 

In the book Play, by Dr. Stuart Brown, he identifies 8 categories of play, explaining that not everyone plays the same way. It sounds like you are defining play the same way a kinesthete would, “If I’m not moving, it’s not play!”. You want to play with your kids, but if swimming and shooting hoops don’t shift you into a playful state, then “kinesthete” may not be your play personality. 

You might have more fun curled up on the couch reading books with your kids, or hosting a pool party for them and their friends. 

The 8 play personalities are: 

1. Kinesthete 
2. Storyteller
3. Director
4. Collector
5. Competitor
6. Creator/Maker
7. Explorer
8. The Joker

If you are a competitor, you can make swimming fun with “how long can you hold your breath” contests or “who can do the weirdest dive”. 

Because of your tendency to turn things into lessons, you might be a director, trying to create experiences for others. It could be more fun for you to create a “swimming pool obstacle course” or make a checklist of skills for your kids to master.

Figuring out what feels like play to you, can stimulate your brain, reduce the pressure you are putting on yourself and help you have more fun with your happy kids. 

 

Now let’s talk about the brain.

 

When neuroanatomist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, had a hemorrhage on the left hemisphere of her brain, she wrote an amazing book, My Stroke of Insight (and gave a famous TED talk) to help us understand the two hemispheres of the brain. 

Our right brains are all about this present moment, right here, right now. When we are in our right hemisphere, we experience a deep connection to all other energy beings and our environment. This side thinks in pictures and experiences life through our sensory systems. Our right brains love storytelling, music, movement, creativity, imagination, intuition and empathy. It’s the consciousness of the right hemisphere that causes us to feel playful, joyful, peaceful and connected to a larger whole. 

So the question Tamika asked “Why can’t I play with my kids?” is simple but very powerful. What she’s asking is “How do I switch from my left thinking brain, to my right thinking brain?” 

 

Learning how to manage the mind, to choose which part of your brain you want to be in depending on the circumstances, is the most powerful and beneficial skill set any of us can learn during these wild and unpredictable times we are living in! 

 

After her first book, people were so enamored by Dr. Taylor’s description of life with a healthy right brain and non-functioning left brain, she wrote another book called Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice. This book is the “how” to her first book’s “what”. 

Folks wanted to know..

HOW can we tap into our right hemisphere to experience deeper joy, peace and connection?

HOW do we quiet the left hemisphere of our minds so that we can drop into a playful state whenever we feel like it?

This is one of the goals of life coaching. 

Before we can CHOOSE , we need to recognize and name the 4 sections of the brain. In Whole Brain Living, Dr. Taylor talks about the 4 sections of the brain having 4 distinctly different personalities. 

1. Left Thinking - Thinks about past and future. Linear and methodical. Gets things done. Details. Categorizes. Plans. Verbal internal chatter. “I am…..” which separates me from everyone else. 
2. Left Feeling - Always afraid, Bad things are going to happen. 
3. Right Thinking - Creative, sensory, playful
4. Right Feeling - Fascinated, connected, no boundaries. Moments of inexplicable peace. Compassionate 

Everyone of us has these characters in their brain. Getting to know them, naming them, and  forming a relationship with each character helps give you the ability to CHOOSE which part of the brain to step into. 

The left thinking part of the brain is the Captain of the ship. It helps us gets things done. It watches the clock, reminds us of deadlines and goals, it keeps things moving along. It’s extremely valuable, but most Supermoms spend over 98% of the day in the left hemisphere of their brains. Many of my clients will bounce back and forth between character 1 - left thinking, and character 2 - left feeling. They may start their day with a to-do list, but start panicking when obstacles come up. When your kids won’t cooperate, it can send you into left feeling, character 2. 

Tell yourself you are “falling behind” on tasks, worry about your boss getting mad at you, or anticipate the embarrassment of your mother in law seeing your messy house, can send a Supermom from Character 1 into Character 2.

When your kids invite you to play, they are inviting you into the right thinking part of your brain. This playful, creative, live in the moment, expansive, imaginative, connected, part of all us DOES still exist. It is a part of your neuro-anatomy, even if you find it difficult to access, it’s nice to know it is still there. 

The more you identify and notice times when you’ve been in your right brain, the easier accessing it will become. So the answer to why can’t I play with my kids, is because you are in your left brain, and perhaps trying to play in a way that isn’t fun for you. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from hopping into your right brain on command? FEARS

Fear is an emotion in the body. It comes from two places, our instincts and our thoughts. 

I remember sitting WAY UP HIGH on a ropes course, held up by one cable above me and a tiny piece of wood below me. I was scared out of my mind. My heart was pounding. My palms were sweating. My mouth was dry. My body was shaking but my verbal mind was quiet. When I got to a place where I could stop and gather myself for a minute, I remember thinking “This is what REAL fear feels like….and it’s pretty damn exhilarating”. The fear I felt on a daily basis I called “fake fear”.

 

Fake fear comes from scary thoughts inside our head. It’s the verbal, left feeling brain creating imaginary future scenarios, or replaying past scenarios, that we react to as though they are actually happening right now. 

 

“If I take time to play with my kids, work will pile up and I’ll get overwhelmed with work later.” 

 

“A good mom would be able to keep the house clean, put dinner on the table, and happily swim in the pool with the kids when they ask.” 

 

“I don’t have time to play! My boss will be mad, the teacher will think I’m flaky, my kids will get cranky, and I won’t have accomplished anything today!” 

 

Telling yourself “I should have more fun with my kids” is a sure fire way to suck the joy out of the afternoon. 

In order to choose which section of the brain you go into at any given moment, we need to release the fears that keep you stuck.

There are many ways to release fears. Two of the best ways Tamika could practice releasing fears on her own, is exercise and breath work. 

When the brain goes into the fight or flight response, blood rushes to our extremities, we start sweating and our heart rate increases. You may need to run to the toilet but this physiological response happens without our permission or consent. Even though we might be creating it with a stressful thought like “I can’t mess up”, once the Central Nervous System takes over, it’s on automatic pilot.

When we enter this physiological state, it’s helpful to act on it by going for a run, riding a bike, punching pillows or somehow “fighting or fleeing”. If you have stressful thoughts, any exercise where you work up a sweat can be tremendously helpful to shift you out of fear, and into the state of rest and play. 

The other way to release fear is to shift your brain out of the fight or flight state. The one part of this fight/flight state we have control over is our breath. We can’t force ourselves to stop sweating or redirect the blood flow in our body, but we can take deliberately slow, deep breaths.  If you encounter a bear in the wild, you will automatically take short shallow breaths. When you are relaxing in a hammock under a palm tree, you automatically take slow and deep breaths. When our body goes into fight or flight, but we take slow deep breaths, we confuse our brains. The deep breathing tricks our Central Nervous System into shifting to a relaxed state. 

Both exercise and breath work bring you into the present moment, which shifts you into the right hemisphere of your brain, which shifts you into a playful brain state. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Too much left brain thinking

 

Kids are great at living on the right side of their brain. They live in the moment, use their imagination, their creativity and exist in a state of play. 

Parents and teachers dwell on the left side of their brain. We remind kids about the existence of rules, about cleaning up, about time, about what’s coming next. It takes a strong left brain to manage the comings and goings of a family. Doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, and getting to school on time, could not be managed without a strong left brain. 

Every time we talk about the plan for the day, or teach them to read from left to right, we are encouraging our children’s left brain thinking. 

Today’s Supermom Kryptonite is an over-development of our left brains. 

If we spend too much time following rules, watching the clock, accomplishing tasks, we lose out on the beautiful gifts of right brain thinking. Instead of always trying to bring your kid over to the left brain, try joining them in the right brain. 

Your kid is playing with superheroes instead of eating breakfast….incorporate the two. Have the superhero eat breakfast with your child, taking turns powering up with fuel to fly into the car.

Some of my favorite ways to do this are: 

 

“Do Nothing” Days - Create a span of time where the only goal is to accomplish nothing.

Exercise Classes are so good for my creative idea machine I sometimes bring a notebook to class. 

Sitting in the sunshine for 5 minutes and focusing on my breath. 

Going for a walk in nature without my phone (if no one’s watching, sometimes I skip :)

Sacred pet the doggy time, sacred chocolate, morning coffee

Floating in water: hot tubs, pools, lakes, etc.

Watching the sunset

Holding a newborn baby

Dancing 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Meditation

 

You’ve probably heard a lot about this concept of meditation which is why it took 105 episodes for me to mention it as an energy power boost. 

Meditation is this magical pill that has no adverse side effects but scientific studies show it can help decrease anxiety, depression, insomnia, blood pressure, symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome, menopause, cravings and addictive impulses. Meditation is also shown to improve immune system function, boost attention span, memory, creativity, productivity, self awareness, happiness and emotional well being. 

If you had a pill that did all these things wouldn’t you take it? The problem is this pill is really hard to swallow! 

Most people hear about meditation and think, “How hard can that be?”....and then they try it. 

When our left verbal brain has been in charge for a long time, it’s not going to relinquish control that easily. This “Captain of the Ship” is going to fight like crazy to stay in charge. When you first try to meditate, expect to get squirmy, distracted, and find a million more compelling things that urgently need your attention. 

 

But the more you try it, the easier it gets. This magical pill becomes easier to swallow. The resistance to meditation subsides and you start to look forward to this break from the left thinking brain. 

The biggest benefit of meditation is the same thing life coaching provides. It sits YOU in the driver’s seat of your brain. Every time you have an impulse to get up off your chair, and you force yourself to sit back down, you declare dominion over your mind. The spirit and essence of YOU gets to be in charge. YOU get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, the actions you want to take, no matter what your default wiring might be based on the past.

Quote of the Day:  “Western women will save the world” Dalai Lama

I feel bad , all the time, about everything

I feel bad , all the time, about everything.

Episode #152  How to feel better about everything

 

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie

You asked me on the coaching call what area of my life is causing me the least satisfaction. I’ve given it some thought and realized, it’s not just one area. 

I feel bad. All the time. About everything. 

My parents want to have more time with my kids. They would love to see them everyday but we live too far away for that to be possible.I feel bad about that. I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandparents so I feel bad for the kids, like it’s my fault they can’t see their grandparents more often. 

I feel bad that I didn’t send my kids to sleepaway camp. I loved going to camp as a kid but they didn’t seem interested and I couldn’t find anyone else who wanted to do it. I feel bad that I want a week without them and none of the other moms seems ready to let go of their kids. I feel bad that my kids are stuck at home this summer watching too much TV. 

I feel bad missing my daughter’s dance showcase but if I go, I have to miss work again and then I’ll feel bad about missing work. Then I feel bad for not having my shit together like other moms who manage to balance both. 

I feel bad for having a partner who helps out so much when there are single moms out there doing this on their own. 

I feel bad complaining about my kids’ picky eating when other moms are worried about serious issues like diabetes.

See what I mean? 

How do I stop feeling bad so I can feel better about EVERYTHING? 

Anika

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

It’s exhausting to constantly feel bad about things you don’t have control over. This is a HUGE Supermom Kryptonite so let’s undo this toxic social conditioning ASAP. 

Let’s start by unpacking what it means when you say “I feel bad”. 

Feeling bad is a handy catch all meaning you are experiencing a negative emotion. 

When trying to identify an emotion, try to think of only one word.

Most people, when asked to define “feeling bad” say it’s closest to guilt. 

The purpose of guilt is to help us identify something we have done wrong so that we can apologize, make amends, ask for forgiveness, and not make the same choice again in the future. Feeling guilty feels uncomfortable so we do what we can to alleviate this discomfort so that we can go back to feeling “good”. 

Guilt is an important emotion designed to help us preserve our relationships.

For example, you miss work to go to your daughter’s showcase…..every week. Your boss starts to question your commitment. She asks if she should readjust the schedule to accommodate your time off. Your coworkers are put off that they have to cover for you. You start to feel guilty. You don’t like this guilty feeling so you decide to miss the next showcase and go to work instead. The guilt goes away but then you miss the next 4 showcases and you start feeling guilty about not attending your daughter’s recent performances. You choose the showcase over work but this time, you don’t feel guilty because you are more in balance. 

This is how we can use guilt to guide us towards preserving our relationship with our kids, as well as our boss and co-workers. 

The problem is that so many of us feel “bad/guilty” we haven’t actually done anything wrong. 

Is it wrong that you live far away from your parents? No.

Is it wrong that you value sleepaway camp more than others? No. 

Is it wrong that you have a helpful partner or that you get frustrated by your kids’ picky eating? Not at all. 

We don’t really have words to explain “feeling bad for no reason” or “feeling guilty for existing and being yourself.”  So I’m going to offer two new definitions to explain this common feeling.

• Projection Reflection - Imagining someone else is suffering, then feeling a negative emotion because of this imagined suffering. 

For example, you might imagine your parents sitting home on a Saturday afternoon, sad and lonely, wishing they could be with their grandkids. Then you start feeling “bad” because of the sad image you created in your mind. In reality, they might be out having fun or enjoying the peace and quiet of the moment, but in your MIND you picture them having a negative emotion, and then your BODY starts to experience a negative physical feeling, in reaction to YOUR PROJECTION. Your mind projects suffering, and then you feel the reflection. 

•  A "Poke” - When someone disagrees with us, our decisions or values, I’m going to call it a poke.

Sometimes in life, we get poked. Nobody likes being poked. It’s not a comfortable feeling. Sometimes it’s annoying, other times it actually hurts. But it’s harmless and just something we have to live with and not give it much attention.

 

For example: You are talking on the phone with your mom and she says, “I wish I could see the kids this weekend. Why did you have to move so far away? I don’t get enough time with them.” 

Your first reaction might be to feel guilty, but then you examine your guilt and realize YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You LIKE living a few hours away from your parents. You ENJOY having some space and distance between you. There is nothing wrong with this. 

I’m calling it a “poke” when someone expresses different values and desires than yours. 

 

You want to send your kids to sleepaway camp. Your friend says something like:

“Aren’t they a little young for that?” or 

“I would miss my kids too much if they were gone for two weeks this summer.” or 

“Must be nice to be able to afford sleepaway camp, it’s way too expensive for our family.” 

 

These are “pokes”. Their values are different from yours. This is not a problem. It’s just a reminder that we value different things and as much as we’d like everyone in the world to support our decisions and agree with us, it’s not realistic.  

 

Life Coaching Answer: How to feel better about everything

At the root of “feeling bad” all the time about everything, is a general feeling of unworthiness. Sometimes, our culture teaches us that experiencing the best things in life is selfish. We learn to become uncomfortable with joy, well being, contentment, abundance, wealth, health, freedom and love. 

Is it because advertisements use our insecurities to sell their products? “Feeling bad? Drink this and then you’ll be happy and healthy.” 

Is it because our friends in middle school would pull us down a notch whenever we were feeling too smart, too pretty, too talented, or too confident? 

I don’t know, but it is pervasive. Feeling bad keeps us small and meek. We don’t dream big when we’re worrying about other people’s reactions. We don’t go after what we want in life when we’re worried about other people’s values “poking” us and keeping us in our place. "Feeling bad" is toxic and we need to get over it ASAP. 

 

Because I care deeply about others, I thought that the way to show I care deeply was to “feel bad”.  I heard, “People are starving in Africa so you need to eat your lima beans.” I never understood the connection but I did learn that a good person “feels bad” for the starving people. Whenever I saw someone in a wheelchair I would "feel bad" for having legs. Is this guilt? No, because I didn't do anything wrong. Somehow the message to feel grateful got turned into feeling guilty, unworthy and undeserving of the privileged life I was living. 

 

But if we waited for everyone else to be free from suffering, we would never be happy. How can we celebrate the 4th of July when the war in Ukraine still rages? Someone, somewhere will always be suffering so when would we ever be able to feel happy, loving, joyful and free? 

The turning point for me was realizing that “feeling bad” did not encourage good, productive action. This bad emotion does not drive good behavior. 

When I hear about what it’s like to have a child with diabetes, my heart goes out to them. It sounds so stressful and scary. My body reacts with negative emotion. My stomach clenches, I pull in, I tell myself I’m bad for complaining about my kids’ picking eating. I withdraw. 

“Feeling bad” for moms dealing with diabetes does not make me reach out to them. This Projection Reflection does not motivate me to offer a helping hand, donate to charities, pay for medicine, etc. It makes me feel small, unworthy, inadequate and not good enough. When I do reach out with kindness, I STILL feel like it’s not enough. When I do donate my time or money,  my negative emotion doesn’t go away.  I’m imagining they are suffering and then suffering right along with them. 

When you realize that “feeling bad” does not make you a good person, or make you spread kindness and love throughout the world, it’s time to let it go. 

 

Are you worthy of love, belonging, acceptance, joy, health and abundance? 

Listen to the podcast when I talk about babies in bassinets and you will have your answer. 

 

Next time you catch yourself feeling bad, ask yourself, “What emotion does the world need more of?” 

Does the world need more blame and guilt or does it need more forgiveness and kindness?

Does the world need more suffering or more happiness? 

Does it need more thoughtful, empathic women playing small, or does it need empathic women to speak louder and demonstrate love? 

Then commit to your values and be the change you want to see in the world. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Not knowing what your values are

Sometimes it’s clear, you value love over fear. But through the process of raising kids, our values can get murky. Should I send my kid to sleepaway camp even though the other parents aren’t? Does my introverted kid need more social activities or is it ok for him to spend so much time at home where he’s happy? 

I’m struggling with my values around underage drinking. I would have been content to do what my parents did, no drinking in until you are 21. It’s the law. Everyone agrees, Easy Peasy. 

Except that when I was in Costa Rica, someone offered my son a drink and he said yes. What?! I had no say in the matter. He’s an adult. The drinking age is 18. I wasn’t paying for it so there was no decision for me to make. It felt so strange. 

In Europe I let loose and bought drinks for my kids, but here, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Why?  My dad has a glass of wine every night with dinner, that seems just fine but when my kids want to drink with dinner, it seems totally wrong. My husband is offering cocktails while I’m offering smoothies. I’m the only one in my family still clinging to the arbitrary 21 year old drinking age. Not knowing what my values are makes it harder for me to relax and enjoy hanging out with my kids. 

Life is always going to throw us curve balls and force us to update our values. Taking the time to unpack it and figure out what is important to you is worth it every single time. 

Ask yourself these questions to help clarify your values: 

 

Why is this bugging me? Am I doing a projection reflection?

Yes,  I’m imagining people thinking I’m a bad mom for allowing/encouraging my kids to drink. I’m imagining my kids developing a drinking problem and the mean things I’m going to say to myself should that occur in the future. I’m reacting to my future self telling me it’s my fault because I poured them a drink at 19 instead of 21. 

 

Am I being poked by someone else’s values disagreeing with mine? Yes, I’ve been poked my kids and husband having different opinions than me. 

 

What is the value that is important to me that I don’t want to let go of? I value a healthy, balanced lifestyle. 

 

What am I ready to let go of? The belief that I’m a bad mom for not obeying this U.S. law while on U.S. soil. 

 

Get clear on your values and you will feel more energized and at peace. 

Supermom Power Boost - A slice of shifting stillness

We have all the parenting answers we will ever need but in the chaos of everyday life, it can be hard to access our inner wisdom. Meditation is the gold standard but it’s not always easy for busy moms to sit still. That’s ok. You can still access your inner wisdom while moving. 

Ask yourself a high quality question like, “What am I ready to let go of?” or “What value is important to me that I don’t want to let go of?” 

Then go for a hike, a drive, a bike ride. Any kind of repetitive movement can help you sit in the stillness and allow those answers to come from within. Fly a kite, bake a cake, get a massage, doodle, walk a labyrinth, it doesn’t need to be exercise, just a slice of shifting stillness that will distract your left brain so you can access the inner wisdom that lies on the right hemisphere of your brain. 

 

Quote of the Day: 

For today's quote, I read an excerpt from Orli Auslander's book, "I Feel Bad". This is a funny look at the toxic habit of "feeling bad" when we haven't actually done anything wrong.

Also check out the short lived TV sit com with the same title, based on the book.

What you need to know before traveling with children this summer

Vacation strategies for traveling with anxious, inflexible and neurodiverse children

Episode #151

 

Have you ever been so excited for a getaway with the kids only to come back more exhausted than before you left?

Similarly, you plan a relaxing vacation for your family but after the THIRD  meltdown of the day you yell: "This is supposed to be FUN!" or "Do you know how much this is costing?"

Yeah, me neither :)

It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of a vacation, and develop short term memory loss about the challenges of traveling with children.

Let's take a minute to remember: Travel rarely provides a vacation from parenting. In fact, it can often require more hands on deck to deal with constant transitions and lack of routines and comfort.

It's best to set your expectation that vacations are TRIPS, not necessarily a vacation for YOU.  Aligning your expectations with the reality that travel is just doing the work of parenting from a different location can make your life easier.

 

After you set yourself up for appropriate expectation, you can focus your attention on preparing the kids for a successful vacation.

There is a lot parents can do to set them up for success!

When you are at home, it's easy to forget how much of their ability to thrive depends on predictable routines and familiarity. Whether your child is neurotypical or neurodiverse, sensory seeking or sensory avoidant, today's podcast is designed to set your family up for a successful summer vacation.

 

Today we talk to Dawn Barclay, author of Traveling Different: Vacation Strategies for Parents of the Anxious, the Inflexible, and the Neurodiverse .

We'll talk about how to choose a trip suited to their temperament, how prepare them before it's time to go, and different resources available to help kids travel successfully. Did you know that airlines, cruises, and amusement parks have resources in place to help neurodiverse kids enjoy family vacations? Neither did I!

 

Dawn M. Barclay is an award-winning author who has spent a career working in different aspects of the travel industry.

After spending ten years working in sales and marketing, she branched out into travel trade reporting with positions at Travel Agent Magazine, Travel Life, Travel Market Report, and Insider Travel Report.

She is a mother of two and resides in New York’s scenic Hudson Valley.

A member of the Society of American Travel Writers and the Family Travel Association, she also writes fiction as D.M. Barr.

Website: http://www.travelingdifferent.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/@travelingdiff

Facebook: www.facebook.com/travelingdifferent

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/traveling_different/

 

How To Live Your Life’s Purpose

Episode #150 - HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE PURPOSE

Living your life’s purpose feels like a heavy topic, especially when your life is busy buying graduation cards, driving to baseball games and awards banquets.                  

But my intention for this episode is to show you that following your destiny and fulfilling your life’s purpose is easy, light hearted and fun. 

If you feel like the purpose of your life is to be a mom, you might worry about what will happen when your kids grow up and leave the house. 

Maybe you are trying to guide your child towards living THEIR PURPOSE and a successful future but the world is changing so fast, you worry the wisdom you’ve acquired may not apply to the next generation. 

Perhaps you thought motherhood would give you all the purpose you would ever need, but are finding the daily tasks of motherhood empty and hollow. 

Wherever you are in your journey towards finding purpose, today’s episode will help you understand how to know if you are on track for your life’s purpose.

There is no need to stress about going back to work or staying home, whether to invest in competitive or recreational soccer, or worry about life after your kids leave the house. 

 

 

Your purpose is always guiding you, whispering in your ear, so finding your purpose isn’t an issue, you just need to know what to look for. 

Following life’s passions and purpose is one of the great joys of being human! BUT, most meaningful journeys start with a whole lot of suffering. Like becoming a mom starts with the pain of childbirth, discovering your life’s purpose can begin with suffering, but if you learn to listen to the hints and signs, you can minimize the suffering and jump into the flow your life wants to take. 

Life coaching helps us get back into the flow your life is meant to take.

We are born with certain interests, personality traits, and proclivities. Our job is to figure out what those proclivities are, and go do them. It benefits the survival of our species for us all to have DIFFERENT interests and talents. If everyone LOVED staying home and tending to children, who would build the shelter, hunt for food, heal the sick, repair, explore, invent, translate, educate, etc.? 

Somehow, our culture decided all moms should be good at all things, leading to a generation of burned out, overwhelmed and exhausted mommas. It’s the PRESSURE society puts on us to be good at everything that leaves us in a constant state of inadequacy. This “I’m not good enough” mental belief blocks us from listening to our intuition and feeling like we are living a purposeful, meaningful life.

I will tell you 2 stories in my life that helped guide me towards living my purpose and feeling like I was fulfilling my destiny. The first one involved years of suffering, the second involved years of fun and games. Two different ways to react to the same intuition calling you into a new direction. 

My hope is that by telling these stories, you will be able to learn what signs to look for, hear how your intuition speaks to you and get back into the flow of your life with fun instead of struggle. 

Intuition is often the source of our greatest suffering. It can guide us forward in playful, interesting ways or it can be the voice you don’t want to hear, but that won’t go away. It’s the voice that tells you it’s time to leave your marriage or quit the job you spent 8 years preparing for. It’s the relentless nagging that wakes you in the middle of the night until you surrender your life to the flow of destiny. But if you catch it early and keep it playful, it’s a clue, a sign, a feeling to move towards that will help you live a life that is right for you. 

 

"Life is always speaking to you. Are you going to listen to the whispers or wait until it hits you like a brick upside your head?" Oprah Winfrey

Story #1

It was a cold, February day like any other, feeling stuck inside my house like many stay-at-home moms. I was watching the clock, counting down the hours until I could put my son to bed. 

My first born was 3 years old which meant all my mommy friends were either pregnant or nursing their second child. Sure they were sleep deprived and exhausted, but they seemed content. 

I was the opposite of content. 

Although I loved being a mom and adored my son, I felt CRAZY. I was RESTLESS, TIRED, ANXIOUS, OVERWHELMED, DEPLETED. Other moms seemed to have their act together, but I felt like I was drowning and no one knew. I couldn’t even THINK about having another child in the state I was in.

I walked around my house, using the clutter as evidence to prove that I wasn’t measuring up as a wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. I put one glass in the dishwasher, then remember I never paid the electric bill, I’d go to the computer and think, I should be doing laundry. I’d walk to the laundry room, fold a shirt or two and think, I need to get dinner started. I’d start cooking and remember the deadline for gymnastics camp was starting soon so I’d better fill out the application. I jumped from thing to thing, mentally spinning in circles, never really accomplishing anything noticeable. By the end of the day, I was exhausted but had accomplished nothing. The house was still a mess and so was I. 

The voice in my head was filled with “have to’s”, “need to’s” and “shoulds”. This made me feel like a prisoner in my own life. When people said, “You are so lucky you get to stay home and you don’t have to work” I added guilt to the shit storm of emotions I felt. 

Before I agreed to marry my husband, I had two mandates. One was that he had to be willing to go to couples counseling with me, and two, that I could stay home and raise our children. I loved kids: I studied child development, family life education, and educational theories. I was CERTAIN that when I had my own kids, I would be fulfilled by being a stay home mom. I knew in my bones that I was meant to be a mom. 

My a-ha moment came this dark February afternoon when O, The Oprah magazine arrived in my mailbox. I put my son down for his precious nap and plopped on the couch. I opened the magazine to an article about a life coach, helping a woman organize her home. I felt a wave of enthusiasm come over me. Suddenly I had energy AND clarity. The voice in my head said: THIS!! 

I wasn’t meant just to be a stay home mom! I was put here to help others like this life coach was. I had been trying to convince myself that being a stay home mom was enough for me. As much as I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted, the contrast in emotions I felt from my daily life to reading about life coaching was DRAMATIC. It felt freeing to discover the thought, “I am meant for more than this.” 

You might think I immediately signed up for life coach training and started my career, but NO. 

It was a longer, more circuitous route filled with resistance and beliefs like, “I don’t know how to do that” “I could never work for myself”, “I’m not an entrepreneur” “life coaching sounds so cringy”. It was another 7 years before I signed up for life coach training, but it did start me in a new direction of finding work outside the home. 

Experiencing the contrast of stay-home-mom-misery to reading-about-life-coaching-joy, put me on a new trajectory. For the first time, my aim switched from “trying to enjoy my life as a stay home with pressure, inadequacy and guilt sitting on my shoulders”  to “what activities are going to give me that feeling again?” 

I was at a crossroads and both paths felt terrible. The one I had been on (SAHM)  felt confining, limiting and frustrating, but it was familiar. I knew where it would take me. The second path (Life Coaching) felt confusing, overwhelming, scary and I didn’t know where it would take me. This uncertainty had the potential to give me that energizing, exciting and purposeful feeling. So I slowly walked a very windy road following what felt good to me. 

I needed to suffer for many years in order to give me the courage to sail into uncharted waters. I couldn’t just apply for a job as a life coach that already existed (although I tried many times). I had to navigate without a map: try new things, make mistakes, embarrass myself, fail, learn, switch directions. I learned to experience what coaches call “failing forward”. Failing for a purpose, my purpose, growing me toward a life that felt a lot more fulfilling than trying to convince myself that raising kids was enough to fulfill my soul’s calling. 

I had a lot of fears and limiting beliefs to overcome. “Who do I think I am?” “What if people don’t like me or think I’m weird?” “No one will hire me if my life isn’t perfect.” I had to learn to tame the mean sabotaging voice in my head and find some compassion glasses to put on when I talked to myself. I had to turn down my empathy dials and give up a habit of overwhelm and worrying. I had to stop people pleasing and find courage and gumption instead. 

It was a whole lot of work that involved a whole lot of suffering. But as sucky as it felt, I could fall back on that feeling that I was doing the right thing for ME. After a few hours of teaching, doing the dishes didn’t BOTHER me like it before. Now I could enjoy folding laundry because it was a break from putting myself out there. I had something interesting to think about while doing the same old tasks. I was back on track with my life’s purpose and I knew it because it felt so much better. 

We are born 100% ourselves, very connected to the essence of who we are, what interests we have, our innate personalities and talents. Along the way we become socialized away from this knowing. We learn what our society values and approves of. We learn to feel embarrassed or ashamed. We hide parts of ourselves, and exaggerate other parts, in order to be accepted and approved by our culture.

 

Two things give you purpose and meaning:

1. Reconnecting with your essence.

2. Obeying the call to align with that essence.

 

Story #2

"Follow your bliss. If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open doors to you." Joseph Campbell

It was a cozy evening in November, I was sitting by the fireplace watching my son about to open his first college acceptance letter. We weren't expecting any to come this early so we were surprised. He hadn’t even finished filling out his applications yet so there was no built up anticipation. His school of choice, (Western Washington), accepted him in the major of his choice, (Linguistics). He smiled as he read. He looked up at me calmly and said, “That’s it. They want me, I want them. That’s it, I am decided.”

I spent the next month trying to convince him otherwise. “Are you sure?” “Don’t you at least want to tour this (more prestigious) school?” “We still have our trip planned to visit (out of state school offering good financial incentives), don’t you want to have something to compare to?” 

I made it sound logical but really, I was struggling. As soon as he chose his school, I realized something scary. 

It wasn’t that he was moving 900 miles away, I was mentally prepared for that. 

It wasn’t that I thought he was making the wrong decision, this school had everything he was looking for. 

It was this voice that came into my head saying, “This is where my adventure ends and his begins.”and I didn’t want that to be true. 

I LOVED the process of helping my son plan for his future. I loved touring schools, dreaming what it would be like to live in different places. I imagined my visits and what activities I could do while there. I got excited thinking about the different people, clubs, and opportunities he would have by going off to college. 

The truth of the sentence “This is where his adventure begins and mine ends.” hit me hard because I knew, in my heart, that I didn’t want my adventure to end. I wanted something new and exciting as well, but I didn’t know what that would be. I had 4 more years until my daughter graduated high school. I was content with my life. I had a part time job, a wonderful coaching practice, a good marriage, a house I loved, family and community nearby, I didn't want to go back to college or change anything in my life.

I ignored this call to adventure and decided I would be satisfied with visiting my son at school and going through college tours with my daughter. 

But in the back of my mind, I knew having an empty nest was going to unearth some realities I wasn’t ready to listen to. 

Instead of WAITING for the suffering to start, I went on a scavenger hunt. I started paying attention to which activities I loved and which ones I didn’t. I started imagining life without carpools and volleyball tournaments. When I encountered a mom with adult kids, I interviewed her to see where she found passion and adventure. 

Imagining this future life did not make me feel good. I was worried about where I would find meaning and purpose. Who would I be without kids in the house? What would happen to my marriage? My social life?

I paid attention to what lit me up. When I looked at social media, did I get jealous? If so, what was I jealous of? What books, TV shows and movies was I drawn to? Which friends did I enjoy the most and what topics of discussion did I find interesting? 

Over the years I have learned to TRUST this still small voice in my head. I knew it would lead me onto the right path for me, I just had to pay attention. 

Our friends came to visit from Costa Rica and tried to convince us to plan a vacation there. I wasn’t interested (seems crazy now but I think I was just too tired to think about it). But what REALLY surprised me was how I perked up at the idea of MOVING to Costa Rica and having my daughter do high school there. That was weird. Why would I be interested in moving to a place I’ve never been? Why would I rather live there, but not vacation there? I paid attention and made a mental note. 

When we went to Costa Rica and fell in love with the nature, the people, and the feeling of being removed from our busy, stimulating world. As a life coach, I knew that Costa Rica wasn’t magical (even though it felt that way), it was who we became while we there that we fell in love with. I tried to bring those relaxation vibes home with me. I experimented and played around with how to make my life in the suburbs more like Costa Rica. 

I planned an outing for my son and I before he left for University. I figured between it being my birthday and his last weekend at home, I could make him agree to do something fun with me one last time. We brought our bicycles, reserved some kayaks and drove to a lighthouse on the Pacific Coast to spend the night in a youth hostel. 

In the morning I woke up to the most beautiful view I had ever seen.

Towering cliffs plunged into the sparkling blue ocean while birds dove into the waves looking for their morning meal. The gentle waves rolled on the pristine sandy beach inside a serene cove while out into the ocean, the waves crashed against rock formations. I was awestruck. The sea otters rode the undulating waves on their backs without a care in the world. As I sipped my latte overlooking this panoramic view, I felt a feeling that I knew I wanted more of. This beautiful clear day, in an unfamiliar place, filled with planned, outdoor activities and a very clear voice inside that said “THIS”. This is what I want.

When you spend 18 years raising kids, it’s easy to lose track of who you are. When nobody asks you, “What do you want to do this weekend, Mom?” or “What do you want to eat for lunch?” You forget to ask yourself those fundamental questions. Everyone else’s desires come through loud and clear but are own are quiet. 

Our life’s purpose speaks to us through our desires. If we ignore our desires, we don’t know what our purpose is calling us towards.

This intuition, that we all have, gets our attention through yearning and discontent.

If we ignore the desire, it turns to discontentment.

If you ignore the discontentment, it turns into suffering. 

After this a-ha weekend with my son, I found some friends who were willing to create a “Mom’s Adventure Club”. A group of moms whose “kids won’t play with them anymore”. We plan hikes, bike rides, kayaking, snowshoeing and skiing adventures. It has been a saving grace for me during COVID and the transition to having kids move out of my house. 

I could have waited until I was sad, lost and lonely to figure out my empty nest strategy but why suffer if you don’t need to? Watching for clues of things that light you up, noticing where you feel jealous of others, what ignites you, imagining alternative life plans, is a light hearted way play at the game of life.

You are always living your purpose. You cannot escape it. It will either get your attention through yearnings and desires, or it will get it through suffering and discontent. It will never leave you. 

Now as I get ready to leave the house I raised my kids in, I have to remind myself that this adventure is what I wanted. I didn’t want predictability, I wanted uncertainty and I’ve got it. I want that awestruck feeling of waking up and seeing something amazing. I want to spend more time outdoors having new experiences. My life feels scary and uncomfortable, but very aligned with my purpose. My plan is to live summer’s at the lake, winter’s in Costa Rica, and coach my clients from beautiful places around the world. I’m not sure how working while traveling is going to go but I am excited to obey the call to adventure I heard almost 5 years ago. 

Following your purpose can involve a whole lot of suffering, or you can treat it like that game of you are getting warmer. You don’t know exactly where your destiny lies, but you have to take a step in some direction to find out if it feels warmer or colder. Even when you feel aligned with your purpose, something could change at any moment to uproot you. We never stop playing this game until the day we die. Does watching the news before bed make you feel warmer or colder? Does having a weekend with no plans make you feel warmer or colder? We are always changing but if you can keep a playful attitude while on this game of life, you will ENJOY the discovery of your purpose and eliminate unnecessary suffering.

Supermom Power Boost: Try this exercise at home. Create 5 different paths for your future. 

Your purpose isn't just ONE thing. It's about being the person you were meant to be. When we attach too tightly to things going a certain way, we get too rigid. One way to stay flexible and open minded in a constantly changing world is to create 5 different paths for your future.

Your job is replaced by Artificial Intelligence. Your marriage implodes. Another pandemic hits. Aliens abduct your family and no one believes you. 

At any moment, something can derail your life. If this makes you feel anxious like it does me, exercise your creativity and come up with 5 alternative life plans. This way, your job is replaced by Artificial Intelligence, your marriage implodes, another pandemic hits or aliens abduct your family and no one believes you, you can just move on to Plan B. It's a sneaky way of feeling in control of something you don't have control over. 

Here are my 5 alternative life plans, all of which I would be happy to pursue.

1. I travel and work abroad with my husband, continuing to grow my podcast and coaching practice, from beautiful new places. 
2. I work at home but take time off to work in volunteer camps around the globe. Organizing trips for parents to come along with me and bring their teens. 
3. Find a small community that I love and want to get involved with. I teach kids, play golf, Pickleball, yoga, hike, and enjoy an outdoor lifestyle. Maybe I work a booth at art & wine on the weekends supporting a volunteer organization. 
4. I move abroad by myself and get a social job in the daytime where I can meet people (like waiting tables or some easy service job), then coach my clients at night. 
5. I live with a group of female friends, hosting speed dating events, working as a matchmaker and dating coach. 

There are many ways to live your life's purpose. You can't NOT live your life's purpose. Even if you are suffering, that is coming from your higher self, trying to get your attention so you can get back in the flow of your life.

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Your Late Night Food Binge is Your Ticket to Happiness

Ep 149: Your Late Night Food Binge is Your Ticket to Happiness

Interview with entrepreneur and master life coach, Corinne Crabtree

 

This was a fun and fabulous interview with my colleague that you are sure to enjoy! Even if you don't binge eat at night, it's those evening hours that give you insight into your truest self. Whether you stay up late watching TV, drinking wine, playing Candy Crush or sneaking food rewards, that is the time of day that we are trying to nurture ourselves. 

Stop feeling guilty and start paying attention to what you really crave: rest, pleasure, joy, self care, nurturing, a break from self pressure. Then find ways to bring more of this into your life deliberately. Stop eliminating your one source of joy by dieting. Expand your joy and diversify the amount of ways you get the rest, nurturing and self love you crave. 

 

I'm so excited to get to share this interview with you!

Corinne Crabtree is a Master Certified Weight and Life Coach with a mission
to help every woman break generational curses in order to improve their
personal health and wealth. Corinne lost 100lbs 15 years ago and ever since,
she has dedicated her life to teaching women how to do the same.

Corinne Crabtree is one of the leading voices in the weight loss and business
industry.

She’s the host of the wildly successful podcast, Losing 100lbs with Corinne,
which has been downloaded over 50 million times in 160 countries. Over 1
Million women have taken her free weight loss course and Corinne now
serves over 14,000 paid members in the No BS Weight loss Program.

You can catch Corinne on Facebook and Instagram talking shit about the
diet and online marketing industry. Her greatest passion is helping women
get rid of their old shitty thoughts by using self love to never quit on
themselves again.

[caption id="attachment_14147" align="aligncenter" width="543"] Interview with Corinne Crabtree[/caption]

Listen and Subscribe to the Losing 100 Pounds Podcast
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/losing-100-pounds-with-corinne/
id1233384453

Link to Corinne’s Free Weight loss Course & Website
www.nobsfreecourse.com

Losing 100 Podcast/No BS Weight loss Program Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/

Instagram - @Corinne_Crabtree

No BS Business WomenFacebook - https://www.facebook.com/
Instagram - @NoBSBusinessWomen

How To Take Care of My Own Emotional Needs

Taking Care of Your Emotional Needs

Question of the Day:

How can I take care of my own emotional needs?

I have tried too many times in too many ways to get my husband to be more empathetic and supportive. I want him to listen to me tenderly, and connect with me emotionally, without being dismissed. The vulnerability of putting myself out there, telling him what I need, and then not getting it, is too much for me to bear. I have been super understanding and accommodating towards him, it’s not fair that I don’t get what I need from him. I think we’d coexist peacefully if I could feel less dependent on him.

Is there a way to take care of my own emotional needs?

M.S.

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

Can you take care of your own emotional needs? 100% yes and I highly recommend doing it. 

 

Can you live in isolation and not ever need other people? 100% no. We are social creatures and we need other people around us for our mental well being. 

 

Even though you are talking about your husband, this is a very common occurrence with moms of teens. Moms come in thinking “I need my teen to be happy in order for me to be happy.” “I need my teenager to be nice to me so I can be nice to him.” “I need my teen to get good grades/have good friends so I can feel like a good parent.” 

 

When we put OUR ability to be happy in the hands of anyone else, it feels terrible. 

 

I got into a discussion with Rachel Simmons (author of Odd Girl Out) at a Girl’s Leadership training. She suggested adolescent girls express their needs to their friends as a way to resolve conflict and strengthen their relationship. “I need you to respond to my texts within 24 hours.” or “I need you to remember my birthday.” 

 

I thought this sounded awful and false. I don’t NEED you to do anything for me to love and appreciate you. I like you, you are my friend. You be you, I’ll be me, and I’ll love you because I want to! 

 

Rachel liked the vulnerability that is required for someone to admit,  “I need something from you.” Couples counselors use this terminology to help open up lines of communication. They want couples to reflect on what their needs are, and how their partner can fulfill these needs. 

 

This is certainly a step up from blame and using statements like “You never listen to me” which doesn’t lead to a productive outcome. The act of reflecting on what you need is helpful. I know for a fact that I need affection. But I don’t need my husband to be the one to give it to me. I can hug strangers, get massages, cuddle my dog, cat and girlfriends. Expecting your partner to be the only one to fulfill your needs puts a lot of pressure on them, and puts you in a vulnerable, precarious position. 

When my first child was born, I suddenly felt very vulnerable and needy. I was super anxious about something bad happening to my husband because I was so dependent on him for physical, emotional, and financial support. The thought of him dying or leaving made me lose my mind. Once I did the work to overcome that stress, I never wanted to go back. 

 

I did the same thing with my baby. I would sing to him “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” But I hated saying the line “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” because it made me feel too vulnerable. I changed it to “No one will take my sunshine away” because I didn’t want to feel that fear. 

 

My need back then, was security. I needed to feel secure. But asking my husband and child not to die so I could feel secure was not the answer. I had to do the inner work to learn how to feel secure, no matter what happened to them. 

 

We all have a need to feel seen, heard, and felt. If your partner’s active listening is the only way you get that need met, it puts a lot of pressure on a relationship that also needs to get dishes done, help with homework, feed children, carpool and walk the dog. Being able to take care of your own emotional needs is a BRILLIANT strategy. 

 

Paying for what we want keeps the relationship clean. Whether it’s a therapist or a life coach, the rules are simple. This is all about you. This is your time to get your needs met. Writing your thoughts in a journal can get you really connected with your inner world. Having girlfriends or support groups that go deep are great, facebook groups or other online forums designed for deep and meaningful conversations can give you what you are looking for. Books and podcasts that speak to your soul can help you meet your own emotional needs. 

 

When we take care of our emotional needs, everything else we get on top of that is icing on the cake. We feel empowered and free because we trust ourselves to pay attention to our hearts desire, and find many ways to fulfill that desire. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from taking care of our own emotional needs? 

 

The social programming that teaches kids (especially girls) not to WANT things. 

Girls and women are not encouraged to pay attention to their desires, or believe they are worthy of pursuing them. 

When we were little, we all knew what we wanted, but society taught us to swallow it and do what everyone else is doing:

“You shouldn’t want dessert for breakfast”

“You might want to run around outside with your friends but you should be a good girl and sit indoors on hard chairs like everyone else.” 

Society sends us messages like…

“You should be generous, but not a pushover.”

“You should be confident but not cocky.” 

“You should care about your appearance, but don’t try too hard. 

 

We get so many messages about what we are SUPPOSED to want, it makes it hard to hear, acknowledge and pursue our desires. “We should want to do well in school.” “We should be interested in boys and romance.” “We should care what other people think about us.” 

 

You absolutely can WANT your husband to listen with tenderness. Wanting that, from a place of worthiness and confidence, feels very different, than needing it. You might even find out that he wants it, too. 

 

Give yourself permission to want what you want because you want it. Believe you are worthy of receiving it. Believe that the rest of the world wants it for you as well. Ask for it with calm, leadership energy. 

 

Let’s differentiate need from want.

 

What is a NEED that you have? Don’t be specific, stay general. Peace, Quiet, Security, Love, Connection, Beauty. We all have needs but they are never “I need another person to act in a certain way”. Focus on the feeling that action would give you. Then, list 5 different ways you can give that to yourself: Walk in nature, Pay off your debts, Appreciate your dog for his loving attention. 

 

What do you WANT right now? Practice asking for what you want from a place of worthiness. This is where to be really specific and make sure to start your sentence with I WANT!

 

• Ask your partner for something you want: I want you to rub my shoulders for 5 minutes. I want your help doing the dishes after dinner. I want you to listen to me for 60 seconds then repeat back what you heard me say.
• Ask your kids for something you want: I want you to clean out the car after school today, I want you to speak kindly to your sister.  
• Ask yourself for something you want: I want to drink water instead of wine tonight. I want to get up early tomorrow and write in my journal before the kids get up.
• Ask the Universe for what you want: I want my kid to enjoy his baseball season. I want nice weather for our camping trip next month. 

 

We all want such good things: peace, joy, sunshine, a break, a lovely meal, quiet, fun, nature, to get lost in a good book. 

 

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we took care of our emotional needs and just went around expressing our desire for what we wanted?

 

Supermom Kryptonite: Under stress, we regress.

People feel so much better after going through the 12 week Supermom is Getting Tired Coaching Program, they assume the issues they conquered will never resurface.

 

Au contraire, mon amie. 

 

This assumption is today’s Supermom Kryptonite because it’s just not true. When challenges arise and we are hit with multiple disappointments, it is normal for old patterns to re-emerge. Expecting this to happen and meeting yourself with compassion is the key to progress. 

 

This happened to me with my move last week. It’s the week before putting the house on the market. My daughter is home for spring break. I’m managing roof inspectors, sewer inspectors, pest inspectors, house inspectors, plumbers, electricians and handymen, all while trying to keep my newly staged house clean and clutter free. My brain was overwhelmed. 

 

I remember this feeling well when the kids were little. I would walk around the house like a zombie, putting one glass in the dishwasher, folding one towel, sending one email. It felt like I couldn’t accomplish anything. My mind was a fuzzy haze. I had no clarity. This happened to me again last week. 

 

It’s called an Information Bottleneck. Too much coming in at one time causes our nervous system to go into fight, flight, or freeze. Some of my clients go into a cleaning frenzie when they feel pressured (I always envied the folks who stress clean). 

 

When I feel pressure, or if someone is trying to hurry me along, my nervous system freezes. I move slower. I can’t process. This, (combined some with a little handy blame and resentment towards my husband) made me regress into old familiar patterns. 

 

But because I write, talk and coach clients on this all the time, I knew exactly how to handle it. I started with grace and compassion. The old me would have beat myself up for not being more productive, asking horrible questions like “What’s wrong with me?”. This time there was no judgment (a little disappointment at the timing of it, but it I thought about you all and it motivated me to stay self observing). 

 

I walked through the worst case scenario if it doesn’t get done and found there was no emergency. I got out of the house and into environments without a visible to-do list (a walk around the neighborhood, my car). I made time to focus on only one thing (coaching calls and TV shows help me block out the mind clutter). I got everything out of my head and onto paper. I broke things down into super small baby steps so that I could feel accomplished. I delegated, deleted and delayed my tasks. By doing these things, I was able to get my Central Nervous System back on board after only two days of zombie mom. 

So remember that under stress, we regress, but if you meet it with compassion and remind yourself that you know what to do, you’ll be back on track in no time. 

 

Supermom PowerBoost: Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson from the book There's a Hole in The Sidewalk

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

I’m not getting it all done

Epsiode 147: If only I had more TIME

Dear Torie

I’m not getting it all done!

I have 4 school aged kids, 2 dogs, a part time job, a partner and a house. I am blessed and grateful for this full and busy life…BUT…it frustrates me that no matter how much I accomplish, I am ALWAYS BEHIND. I keep forgetting things, losing things, no matter how fast I move, I feel like always chasing my tail. The idea that I can master motherhood is falling fast.

I just want to knock out my to-do list so I can relax but it never happens, there is always more to get done. I go to bed thinking, “If I just had more time…”

It’s starting to impact my self confidence. My family notices I’m not the happy parent I used to be when the kids were little. They keep offering to give me massages or telling me to take breaks, but if I do, more work will pile up. It takes a lot of logistics to get my 4 duckies all moving in one direction. There’s no time for wandering off (please don’t lecture me about overscheduling my children) but I am stressed out and something’s gotta change.

Stuck on the hamster wheel Hannah

Parent Educator Answer

Hardworking, Supermom Hannah! My heart goes out to you because I have certainly been where you are and so many other moms are right there with you right now. I promise not to judge or lecture you because I have no idea how many activities are right for you or your kids. Everyone is different and I trust you are making the decisions that are right for you.

Your question is one of the most common kryptonites for Supermoms. Tackling INVISIBLE problems is my specialty. You aren’t DOING anything wrong, but the emotional energy you are in from dawn to dusk is exhausting.

We can call this time anxiety, like I did in episode 38.
We can talk about tips and tricks for prioritizing the to-do list but I did that in episode 129.
We can talk about a resistance to relaxation but I covered that in episode 69.

Time anxiety is so insidious and a leading cause of tired Supermoms, it’s worth talking about it in a new way. Getting stuck on the productivity hamster wheel robs you of your ability to ENJOY this precious time of raising your beautiful kids.

Let’s compare our relationships with time, to a romantic relationship. Does your relationship with time seem balanced? Mutually supportive? Uplifting and energizing?

Not really. In this example it’s more like Hannah is stalking her ex.

Think of time as your ex boyfriend, hiding from you, dodging your calls, pretending not to see you, and you are hunting it down, NEEDING it back! You can’t look at dating anyone else, you are hyper focused on getting this illusive hottie back to where your relationship last felt good.

Hannah’s BRAIN is stuck on this hamster wheel of trying to get all her work done so she can finally relax. It seems like the only way to feel at peace is to cross items off your to-do list. Similar to someone who thinks their ex is the ONLY love they will ever need or want and no one else will ever fulfill them.

Can you see that YOU are NOT the problem?
Your TO-DO LIST is not the problem.
TIME is not the problem.

The problem is the relationship you have with time is unbalanced.

A healthy relationship with time looks similar to a healthy romantic relationship.
Giving and Receiving
Mutually Supportive
Kind, gentle and compassionate
Understanding and accepting of one another’s limitations.

Most people think of time as unlimited, and a to-do list as finite. This perception increases feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and disappointment when we don’t get everything done. Your sentence “no matter how much I accomplish, I am ALWAYS BEHIND” is a sentence that’s going to make anyone feel crappy. Imagine your child goes out for basketball and you tell her, “No matter how much you accomplish, you’ll always be behind.” It’s an awful thing to hear when you are working your butt off on a daily basis.

You’ll find a more peaceful relationship with time if you flip it. TIME is finite, and the TO-DO list is infinite. You might be thinking, “wait a second, Torie, thinking that time is limited and I have an endless amount of tasks is way MORE stressful! That is a TERRIBLE thought to think!”

We have a limited amount of time here on Earth. Our kids are young and under our roofs for such a short period of time. We only have 24 hours in a day and 60 minutes in each hour. Time is finite. Once we can accept that it calls us to a higher place. We start thinking about what’s really important. If I only have 24 hours in a day, and 8 are spent sleeping, that leaves 16 hours each day to dedicate towards the things I VALUE. Do I really want to be scrolling through my phone during those valuable hours? Do I really want to feel frustrated and stressed from dawn to dusk, or is there another emotion I’d like to feel instead? Is the highest use of these valuable hours to ‘get everything done’ or is there another perspective worth adopting?

The to-do list, however, is infinite. The kids get older and more gets added. One likes music, the other likes sports, your animal lover can’t have enough animals around the house. You want them to have relationships with family, friends, nature and culture. There’s always more to learn, more to celebrate, more to clean, more to plan and do. There is no end to the amount of things you can add to your to-do list.

Just because TIME is invisible, we think there is no end to it.
To-do lists are visible, so we think they are finite.
Flip them around and it will improve your relationship with time.

Think of TIME like your closet, and the items on your to-do list are the clothes in your closet. If you jam it full of stuff, it makes sense you would lose things and forget you had them. But that doesn’t mean you are failing at motherhood!

There is an endless amount of clothing in the world you could bring home and stuff in your closet. You have the power to choose, curate, rotate your winter/summer clothes, keep the essentials and enjoy the items you love most. Some people like the abundant feeling of a full with plenty of choices. Some people enjoy the simplicity of a pared down minimalist closet. You get to decide what is right for you, but let’s work on not FIGHTING with the closet or the clothes that are in it.

You’ve got this situation that many moms in the trenches face called “Too much to do, not enough time to do it.” You are feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and frustrated about this fact. But let’s imagine you can choose from a buffet table of emotions. How do you want to feel about the fact that you have more to do than time to do it? This is where your control lies. You can choose how you’d like to feel about your overstuffed closet known as TIME. Do you want to feel peaceful? Empowered? Motivated? Neutral or matter of fact?

The most important thing is to take back your power. When we feel like getting through the to-do list is the only way to relax, and we never get through it, it feels like we have no power. You giving away our ability to feel at peace whenever we want. Choosing how you want to feel and focusing on that emotion helps us create a new relationship with time.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from creating a more balanced, peaceful relationship with time? A fear of future emotions.

We create stress in the present by worrying about feeling a negative emotion in the future.

We are afraid to take a break for fear of feeling even more stressed out later.

We are afraid to drop a ball because we might feel judged by other moms, teachers, coaches, our kids or partners.

We are afraid to fall behind because the voice in our head will tell us we are failing at motherhood and we will believe it.

This fear of future emotions causes us to feel negative emotions now.

There are two ways to deal with this.

First is to learn how to process emotions. To move emotions through you in a healthy way so they don’t eat you alive. It takes a little time and practice but it is well worth the journey.

The thing we fear most is a negative emotion. We don’t want our kids to die because we don’t want to be grief stricken. We don’t want to take breaks from our busy lives because we fear feeling anxious, overwhelmed, embarrassed, or ashamed.
When you get good at feeling feelings, there is nothing to be afraid of because you trust yourself to handle any emotion that comes your way. A feeling shows up and you say hello to it. Close your eyes, give yourself 90 seconds to process it in the body, and then it moves on. Allowing yourself to feel anxiety and overwhelm without resisting them, will save you so much time, energy and hassle. When we RESIST emotions they can last forever, but feeling them is quick and relatively painless.

The second way to deal with this is to recognize that the reason we imagine feeling so terrible in the future is because we know what we are going to say to ourselves, about ourselves.

You don’t want your kids to die because you don’t want to feel despair. But even WORSE is when you are sad and grieving and a voice comes in to say, “I told you shouldn’t have let him eat that grape, or drive that car.” Or something really nasty like, “A good mom would've insisted on getting a second opinion.” That inner mean girl is who we ultimately fear.

If you were to build a more peaceful relationship with time, that inner mean girl may come in and tell you, “You are lazy. You are falling behind. You aren’t cut out for this. You don’t have time to relax because there is work to be done.” This inner mean girl is relentless. She is the cause of the shame, guilt, embarrassment, or despair. But guess who determines what that inner mean girl says to us inside our heads? WE DO! It might not seem like it, but learning to manage our minds is another worthwhile skill to have in your pocket to make life easier and more enjoyable.

Even when other people judge us, we still get decide what we say to ourselves about ourselves.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Trying to OPTIMIZE your day.

You’ve got a busy life with a lot going on so it makes sense you would want to optimize your time but trying to maximize every day is exhausting. Many moms who struggle with time anxiety strive everyday to spend their time in the most optimal way. It sounds lovely but it’s a kryptonite because when we DON’T meet our own high expectations, we feel defeated. We either optimize our time which temporarily silences the mean girl voice, (no high fives or celebrations mind you!) or we feel behind, stressed, and have to work even harder to quiet that inner mean girl voice. Hannah’s sentence “The idea that I can master motherhood is falling fast.” clued me in to some unconscious maximizing she might be doing. Either I’m MASTERING MOTHERHOOD or I’m…..what…..FAILING? This black and white thinking is exhausting and creates a toxic relationship with time.

Supermom Power Boost - It’s not all on you

It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you think everything is on you. It’s up to you to get your duckies moving in a line, it’s your responsibility to sign field trip forms, plan birthday parties, and bring snacks to softball games. Your job, house, pet care, sporting events, children’s schooling, safety, clothing, hygiene, social life, sleep, all seems like it’s all on your shoulders. It’s a lot and I get it, but it’s not ALL on you.

You are co-creating this life. There is a team helping you move your duckies forward. God or The Universe is helping you get things done. Games get rained out, kids get sick, lights turn green, and kids get good grades. Sometimes, without any effort on your part, things work out.

You are also co-creating with your kids. Sometimes, when you aren’t looking, kids become more capable. They bathe themselves and brush their own teeth. They pour their own cereal for breakfast and learn to use a microwave. Sometimes they complain so loudly and continuously about gymnastics that you decide it’s not worth it. Your kids are helping you create this life.

Pick a thought that feels good next time you are stressed about not getting it all done.

I am being guided.

I am co-creating this life.

This is the life I wanted. I have a full and busy life and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This is what I’m meant to be doing.

It wasn't a perfect day and that's ok.

I can only do what I can do.

I am open to receiving whatever the Universe delivers.

I am living aligned with my values.

Whatever happens is for my best and highest good.

 

Quotes by Julie Morgenstern:

“Insisting on doing everything yourself burdens you and prevents others from being valued and needed.”

“We all have different interests, skill sets, concentration cycles and energy levels. The key is to find out how long it really takes you to do the things you need to do and move away from wishful thinking.”

Resisting the Urge to Helicopter

Episode #146 - Resisting the Urge to Helicopter

 

Question of the Day:

Hi Torie,

What do I do when my high schooler won’t ask for help at school and his grades are suffering? 

My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses, most recently missing 7 days due to having Covid. His grades in several classes have plummeted.

I’m sympathetic to his situation - it’s not his fault that he has missed so much school, and getting behind in a bunch of classes and getting low grades feels awful. But the fact remains - he IS behind and he needs to work with his teachers in order to get caught up.

I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up. I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction, but he just shrugs. I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help. I’ve floated the idea of talking to his teachers myself and he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved. And while I want to respect his wishes as well as letting him have the experience of figuring all of this out… I can’t help but wonder if he’s in over his head and needs an adult to step in and coordinate Project Catch-up. Until this year, the academic aspects of school have been quite easy for him, so these struggles are new for us both. I appreciate your input.

Signed,

Resisting-the-urge-to-helicopter

Help for helicoptering

 

I love how you signed it “resisting the urge to helicopter”. It sounds like your anxiety about his grades is pretty loud in your head but your instincts are saying “something about this feels like overstepping”.  Instead of indulging your anxiety and ‘helicoptering’, you are resisting that action until all parts of you are in agreement. A great reminder that fear is LOUD, instincts are QUIET, and INTEGRITY is that feeling of being whole and aligned with your values.

Help for helicoptering

Help for helicoptering

Parent Educator Answer:  What conventional wisdom and advice can I offer?

You've already done a lot:

“I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up.”

“I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction, but he just shrugs.” 

“I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help.”

 

Normally I would suggest the problem solving technique where you write the problem at the top of the page. “Low grades due to absences” and then brainstorm solutions, taking turns so you each are writing down different ways to handle it. Come up with many possible solutions, then take turns crossing out the ones you don’t like, leaving one to two compromise solutions at the end that you both agree to. 

 

I’m not suggesting this technique here because of what you wrote here: “he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved.” 

 

The only advice I can recommend that you haven’t already done is to make sure he understands the consequences of his actions so that he knows what he is choosing.  

 

What are the natural consequences of a D or F ?

Would he go to summer school? Will he be preventing himself from getting into an AP class next year? Will it change which colleges he applies to or prevent him from graduating high school? 

 

Once he understands the consequences, he can decide if he’s ok with that. Maybe he’d rather get his GED and be done with school? Maybe he was planning to go to junior college first anyway and he doesn’t want to stress about it? Maybe he’s figured that he’s a sophomore and it’s the junior year grades that count the most so he’s not worrying about it? 

 

Helping him understand what the natural consequences are, can help him make an educated decision and choose his preferred course of action. 

 

Is it possible that your brain was so focused on PREVENTING him from getting low grades, that you aren’t even sure what the actual next steps would be? Summer school is a way more boring thing for the brain to think about than the catastrophizing scenario your anxiety brain can create. 

 

Let’s take a look at what’s blocking you from allowing your son to steer the ship of his own life.

Help for helicoptering

Life Coaching Answer: Separate the facts from our thoughts about them. 

 

Fact - My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses.

Fact - His grades in several classes have plummeted.

Fact - He is behind

Not a fact -  “He needs to work with his teachers in order to get caught up.” 

 

This is your belief that is causing you to lock in on one solution to his problem. When he resists the one solution, you feel stuck because you THINK it’s a fact. (You literally said, “the fact remains…) 

 

Fact - You’ve expressed your opinion about what you believe to be the most effective way to get his grades up. 

Fact - You’ve offered him help. 

Fact - He doesn’t want you to get involved. 

 

Thought - “He’s in over his head and NEEDS an adult to step in and coordinate Project Catch Up.”  

 

Look at how compelling this sentence is to a loving mom who wants the best for her son: 

 

“He NEEDS me! I can coordinate Project Catch Up! That sounds easy and fun and I know just what to do to fix his problem! Look at me putting on my Supermom Cape and sweeping in to solve my sick, helpless boy’s problem. What a good mom I am rescuing my son from failure!”

 

I love how crafty our Supermom brains are! Look at how you changed the helicoptering to sound so innocent: 

 

“I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up. I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction. I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help.”

Very matter of fact. 

But when you get to overstepping you change it to….

“I’ve floated the idea of talking to his teachers myself and he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved.” 

You aren’t an overbearing helicopter mom! You are a sweet innocent hot air balloon who just happens to be floating by and observing a DROWNING, HELPLESS BOY WHO IS OVER HIS HEAD AND NEEDS IMMEDIATE HELP! 

 

Whenever we offer help to our kids, make sure you view them as capable of solving their own problems. “You need my help” energy is very off putting and healthy, independent kids will run screaming for the hills.

 

To clean up your energy, we start with eliminating the cognitive dissonance. 

 

Cognitive dissonance is when two competing beliefs bounce around our brains at the same time, making us feel stuck and yuck.

 

The cognitive dissonance in today’s question is: 

“I want to respect his wishes and let him have the experience of figuring it all out.”

Vs. 

“I don’t want him to suffer any negative academic consequences from his illnesses.” 

 

Of course you don’t want him to suffer negative consequences from being sick, that doesn’t seem fair, but which of these beliefs is more reflective of the mom you want to be?

Do you want to be the mom who thinks grades are the most important thing?

Do you want to be a mom whose child never suffers or struggles?

Do you want to be the mom who trusts her 15 year old to solve his own problems? 

 

When my daughter planned a graduation trip in Barcelona for her and 10 friends, my anxiety was on high. This was new and uncomfortable for me. The one thing that helped me calm down enough to learn more about it was remembering the kind of mom I wanted to be. I wanted to be a mom who encourages her teen to travel internationally. I didn’t want to be the kind of mom who makes parenting decisions out of fear and passes down my anxiety. Could bad things happen? Sure. But the statistical probability that she would DIE in Spain (as my anxiety liked to imagine) was very low. 

 

Ask yourself, what is the worst thing that would happen if he gets D’s & F’s on his report card? Will he get so down on himself he’ll drop out of school, start doing drugs and become homeless?  Will this be the beginning of the end? Will his grades stay D’s and F’s and he’ll have to live with you for an extra 2 years while he attends community college? Will your off the grid summer plans get interrupted because he’ll need internet access to complete his summer school course work? 

 

Listen to that anxious brain, hear what it has to say, but don’t indulge it. Do math instead. What is the mathematical likelihood these scenarios will happen? Can I live with this consequence in order to live my values? 

 

1. First, separate out the facts from your thoughts about the facts. 
2. Notice how the anxiety brain is futurizing and catastrophizing. 
3. Do Math. What is the statistical probability that disaster will ensue? 
4. Identify the cognitive dissonance. What are the competing beliefs that are keeping you stuck? 
5. Connect with your values and who you want to be as a mom. 

 

Help for helicoptering

Help for helicoptering

Supermom Kryptonite - Intermittent Competence meets the Helping Tic

 

We EXPECT our child’s progress to be this smooth upward trajectory towards independence. They figure out the dmv website, sign up for driver’s ed, and pass their permit test without any input from mom. We think, “this is amazing, my work here is done!” But then prom season arrives and they can’t figure out where it is, when it is, how to buy a ticket, which of their friends is going, what the dress code is or how much it costs. We get frustrated that something so easy seems like an insurmountable task. This is intermittent competence and it’s very normal with teens. 

 

When this typical teen has a mom who loves to help people feel better and solve problems, it becomes today’s kryptonite. 

 

Some of us are BORN to help others. We see someone in need and we jump up to help. When anyone (but especially someone we care about!) appears lost, confused, uncertain, unhappy or unwell, our bodies react instinctively like we have an uncontrollable tic. 

 

Tics are sudden twitches, movements, or sounds that people do repeatedly. A person with a motor tic might blink repeatedly, a person with a vocal tic might grunt repeatedly, and a mom with a helping tic might jump in repeatedly and offer to help with enthusiasm! 

 

If you’ve got a helping tic, and you are living with a sometimes competent teen, give yourself some grace. Be really proud of yourself for resisting the urge to step in and take over. You are being triggered daily! Maybe even multiple times a day! Every time you ask the question, “would you like my help?” instead of jumping in, give yourself a reward! 

 

[caption id="attachment_9301" align="aligncenter" width="652"] Stressed young woman in checkered shirt standing with hands near temples near concrete wall with colorful brain sketch. Concept of studying too much[/caption]

 

Supermom Powerboost - The Metaphor Game 

 

You can play by yourself or with kids but it's especially helpful when you have a problem you are trying to solve.

It works with anything but let’s imagine you see a weeping willow tree with limbs dangling over a still pond. Ask yourself, “How is my situation with my son’s grades like this willow tree?” 

Let your right brain come up with a creative response like, 

“I’m like the long limbs dangling into the pond, and my son is the pond. I’m trying to insert myself even though the pond doesn’t really need me in the water with him. He likes me being nearby, providing shade and a calm presence, but I can mind my own business and trust that my presence here is enough.” 

 

Or maybe you see a flock of birds flying above and ask, “How is my situation like that flock of birds?” Use your imagination to help guide you toward a solution. 

“I’m like the lead bird, taking my flock in the direction I know is best for everyone. One bird has gone rogue and is flying in a direction I don’t want him to. How can I steer him back in my direction? Maybe we can follow him for a while and see if he’s got a better idea? Maybe it’s time for him to lead his own flock and this makes me sad, but that’s ok?” 

 

Anxiety is on the left hemisphere of the brain. Metaphors bring us over to the right hemisphere of our brains where we have access to creative problem solving and outside the box thinking. 

 

Quote of the Day

“If you want to enter a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.” Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Understanding Sensory Seeking and Hypersensitive Children

Episode #145

Today's podcast episode is the episode I wish I had when my first born was little.

Today we are talking all things sensitive and sensory with Melissa Schwartz from www.LeadingEdgeParenting.com

If your kid is HYPERsensitive, you are probably already aware of it. It usually shows up the first few years with a sensitivity to lights, noises, textures, smells and tastes. They might be easily overstimulated and have long lasting meltdowns when exposed to too much stimulation. Kids whose sensory information is disorganized might be light sleepers, sensitive to pain, refuse to wear sunscreen or certain clothes, reluctant huggers, or prone to anxiety.

If your child is emotionally sensitive you probably notice this, too. These kids cry when others cry, they don't like intense TV scenes or movies, they might be tuned in to your emotions and feel depleted after being in large groups. Perhaps they struggle extra hard with coaches who yell, friends who are mean, and chaotic environments. If your child has stopped eating meat, it's probably out of sensitivity to animals or our planet.

But if your child is HYPOsensitive, you might not notice these symptoms as much. These kids can complain very little. You might notice they are clumsy, always have things in their mouth, they are more likely to wet their pants than throw a tantrum. These kids have a high tolerance for pain, noise, excitement, and seek out stimulating activities. They might fill their mouths or bellies full of food so they can experience the feeling of being full, or they may skip meals because they can't recognize the inner sensation of hunger. If your kid loves wrestling, climbing up high places, making messes and eating salty, crunchy, chewy food, you might have a sensory seeking child.

Melissa was born an intense, sensitive, empathic, power seeker. She is a respected expert in the field of Highly Sensitive Children and brings clarity, personal experience and compassion for parents raising HSCs. Her intuitive ability to decode misbehavior and her passion for giving a voice to the legitimate needs of children naturally evolved into becoming the co-creator of Leading Edge Parenting and co-author of Authentic Parenting Power and Rico’s Bumpy Week. She is an internationally acclaimed author, coach and public speaker bringing new perspective based on current research and personal experience to transform the field of child development. Melissa is a Stanford University alumna and a graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. She lives with her family in Southern California and coaches parents around the world.

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