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You love being a mom but get overwhelmed, lost and resentful by all the parenting responsibilities. Listen as life coach, teacher and parent educator, Torie Henderson, answers common parenting dilemmas from hard working Supermoms. Are you exhausted from working hard all day but still feel like you haven’t accomplished anything? Do you want to feel calm, energized and in control? Then this podcast is for you.
Episodes
3 days ago
Enneagram #9 - The Peacemaker
3 days ago
3 days ago
Enneagram Type 9
The Peacemaker - The Mediator
[caption id="attachment_14948" align="alignright" width="997"] Enneagram Type 9[/caption]
If you resonate with every number on the enneagram, you might be 9.
The Enneagram Type 9 can be called the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. What they lack is a strong sense of their own identity.
Being a separate self, an individual who must assert herself against others, is terrifying to Nines. They would rather melt into someone else or quietly follow their idyllic daydreams.
Cool, calm and collected with a zen like presence, nines have the ability to diffuse conflict with ease. They are generally liked by most people and have a wide circle of acquaintances.
Nines are defined by their desire to maintain a sense of inner peace and harmony, and to avoid conflict or other emotional disturbances. They are typically agreeable, calm, and easy to be around.
Empathetic and observant, Type 9’s can make loving and attentive parents. They strive to create a cozy and comfortable home, with harmony and kindness on the inside.
Enneagram Type Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. While they typically go with the flow, they dislike being controlled and will respond with passive resistance if pushed too far.
Core fear: Being separated and disconnected from others. They cope with this fear by submitting to the desires of the people around them.
Core desire: Inner stability and peace
Core motivation: To avoid tension and conflict, to preserve things as they are, and to create harmony in the environment. They agree in order to be included.
Nines want to avoid the disturbing aspects of life and seek peace and comfort by “numbing out.” Nines run away from the problems and negative emotions of life by seeking to find simple and painless solutions to their problems.
Nine can often be physically present, but disappear into their minds and imaginations. They are Queens of coziness, laying in bed, reading books, numbing out, avoiding decisions and problems. Like Type 7’s invented FOMO, Type 9’s invented “procrastiworking”. Cleaning, tidying, organizing, or doing easy and mindless work tasks as a way to avoid the big uglies.
Type 9 Peacemakers are social chameleons who can adapt to the group dynamic easily and help others get along. They’re soft-spoken yet loyal and fun to be around, intuitively knowing how to include and engage everyone in conversation.
Peacemakers retain their self-esteem through being kind and helpful to others. They enjoy the comfortable side of life and love to have a personal space to recharge from the outer world.
Many are deep seekers of meaning and have a fond appreciation of spirituality and a sense of connectedness with the universe.
3 Questions to help determine if you might be a 9
- Do I struggle with dormant anger and voicing my own opinion?
- Do I blend personality based on the people I am with?
- Do people find you easy to approach and non-judgmental in almost all circumstances?
If so, you might be a Type 9 Peacemaker
[caption id="attachment_14949" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type 9[/caption]
Charlotte was a friend who had hired me because she noticed she was using food to soothe herself and feel comfortable and she was worried about her weight gain. She knew I wasn’t a weight coach but she felt comfortable with me and that is what mattered most to her. She didn’t want to talk to anyone else.
She talked about how much she wanted to lie in bed for hours on end. All she wanted to do was seek comfort by reading books, lying in bed, and eating. She was going through the motions of her life, cooking, driving her kids, laundry, etc. but she felt numb. Her body was present but her spirit wasn’t fully alive.
Type 9’s are the most empathetic of all types and can take on the emotions and energy of the people around them. She had married a type 8 with a strong personality and loads of energy. Being around him naturally energized her and his confidence and fearlessness made her feel brave and alive.
But her energy source husband changed when he came down with a serious illness. He became angry, needy and anxious. She became his caretaker and nurse, trying to bring him back to health. As his treatments ended and his recovery began, Charlotte began to fall apart.
She lost touch with her own wants and desires and was suppressing her anger that her life had been derailed. She resented that her husband, not only wasn’t appreciative of all she had done for him, but who’s bad mood was bringing her down.
Once Charlotte had an understanding of the big picture and why she was seeking comfort through food and avoidance of life, she started reconnecting with her desires.
Like most 9’s, her number one desire was to have time to herself because it’s the only way 9’s can connect with their essence and who they are at their core. She started advocating for her own needs with her husband. She asked him to bring her coffee in bed every morning and then leave her alone for an hour, and he was happy to give her something she really wanted.
Overtime, Charlotte learned to listen to her anger to help build stronger connections with herself as well as her partner. She learned to listen to her fatigue as a way to pay attention to her own wants and needs.
The more she advocated for herself, the more confidence she started to have. As her husband’s health improved, she felt ready to get back to her hobbies and interest that were separate from him.
Nine’s are generally composed and have a calming presence, which automatically help s diffuse tense situations.
They are compassionate and understanding, able to see things from multiple perspectives.
Healthy Nines are flexible and can adjust well to changes or different environments.
Non-judgemental, patient and accepting, Type 9 moms are the ones you want to come to talk about your problems. Their ability to reassure others and listen attentively means they can become a confidant, sounding board, or dumping ground for emotional / hormonal teenagers.
Their ability to put themselves in others’ shoes and feel what other people are feeling can cause them to lose themselves while raising kids. Over-empathizing wipes them out, making them feel exhausted just from being around others.
Here are some struggles Enneagram Type 9’s have while parenting
- Piling up unresolved issues because of a desire to avoid conflict.
- Difficulty making decisions.
- Loss of Identity: They may struggle to assert their individuality and may merge with others' identities or preferences.
- Self Neglect. Difficulty advocating for their own needs. Lack of assertiveness.
- Difficulty saying no and setting boundaries.
- Escapism: Type 9s may use distractions or numbing activities to avoid facing uncomfortable emotions.
- Resentment: If their needs are consistently ignored, they may harbor resentment or passive-aggressive feelings.
- Fatigue and exhaustion caused from over-empathizing and being too “spongey”.
Missy came to life coaching complaining about her “laziness”. She was frustrated with herself for “not being able to get anything done” and spending every weekend too exhausted to do anything.
She felt like other moms were much more efficient and productive with their time. She was planning to have her thyroid checked out because her exhaustion felt so extreme.
Missy was a teacher who worked with 30+ kids everyday, then came home to 3 kids of her own. She was a big hearted, enneagram type 9 who strived to create harmony wherever she went.
Missy didn’t realize she was soaking up the energies of the people around her. She didn’t have any ENERGETIC boundaries and was OVER EMPATHIZING with the many children in her life (which is a tricky, invisible thing but very tangible to those suffering from it!).
The first thing we did was to reframe “lazy” as “taking on other people’s stuff”. Nine’s are the spongiest of all types and can easily lose themselves in relationship with others or while raising kids. When Missy felt exhausted, she needed to release the self criticism and find tools to “wring out” other people’s stuff and clear her energy.
This was all pretty strange to Missy who came for productivity life hacks but she immediately could feel the results and quickly became a believer.
She needed to find ways to preserve her energy so it wouldn’t leak out so quickly. We used the vivid imagination 9’s are known for and imagined putting a bubble around her to prevent her from taking on the emotions of others. The kids weren’t aloud inside her bubble unless they were feeling peace, love and harmony.
Missy learned going straight to a restorative yoga class after school helped her purge the energies of the day. Walking alone in nature on the weekends helped her feel connected to her spirit but she had to discipline her mind not to think about her kids while walking.
Missy learned that energy is a renewable resource. Just because she felt exhausted, didn’t mean her only option was to flatline and then shame herself for her lack of productivity. It’s just the fixes were internal, not external.
Type 9’s need to be careful with self care. Getting a massage, without doing the inner energy clearing, means they just end helping and healing the massage therapist. Going out with girlfriends means they just soaked up even more energy from friends, waiters, uber drivers, etc.
Invisible problems like over-empathy, require invisible solutions. This inner work of clearing energy, imagining invisible boundaries, and using visualizations is the fastest path to a healthy and balanced.
What 9’s moms gain from life coaching
- A safe place to reconnect with their essence; the part of themselves that got lost while parenting their kids. They get to feel like themselves again.
- Make friends with anger! Healthy ways to process negative emotions so they can be fully alive and present instead of numbing out.
- Free up your energy. Stop leaking energy by over empathizing and learn to stay in your personal power so you can feel more accomplished and productive.
3 Tips to help 9’s grow into health and balance
- Everyday, think about an opinion that you hold strongly and voice that opinion to someone during the day. Ask yourself, “Has it become easier to say what I really think?” “Are some people easier to share with than others?”
- Any change you want to make starts with HOW YOU FEEL. Focusing how your feelings (instead of everyone else’s) will increase your personal power. Your energy goes where your attention goes. If your attention is inside of your body (where emotions reside) you will have more energy to spare throughout the day.
- Use the magical sentence to help get control of your tasks: What would I LOVE to ACCOMPLISH by the end of the day? This brings your awareness onto YOU and what you want, reminds you that you are in control, forces small action steps and brings you out of numbing or procrastiworking and into control, plus gives you a dopamine hit once you accomplish the task.
3 Tips to help Enneagram Type 9's grow in health and balance
- Get into the body to access emotions. Find healthy ways to express anger.
- Get clear on what you want. Notice when you start to drift away mentally.
- Notice when your life is on autopilot. Nine’s feel like they never really lived their life because they are afraid of the spotlight. Create a life you can be proud of.
Tuesday Mar 19, 2024
Enneagram Type 8 – The Challenger
Tuesday Mar 19, 2024
Tuesday Mar 19, 2024
Enneagram Type 8 - The Challenger - The Leader
If you are thinking, “I don’t believe in this Enneagram personality typing, what a stupid waste of time.” Then you might be an 8.
Enneagram Type 8’s enjoy taking on challenges, as well as challenging authority figures, the status quo, or any obstacle that prevents them from getting what they want.
They also enjoy challenging others to be their best, even if they are hated for it.
Enneagram Type 8’s find their identity by overcoming obstacles and imposing their will on their environment. (cows and tears, the only thing he can’t overpower is his type 8 daughter - swim lessons)
They pursue the truth, like to keep control of situations and make important things happen.
Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, helpful and warm, also straight-talking, and decisive. They like action and assert control over their environment with speed and intensity.
Their charisma, energy and vitality makes them natural leaders. This, combined with their protective nature and direct communication skills can make parenting easy and natural for parents.
Type 8’s always do what they feel is right, even when it goes against what others think is right. They role model and encourage independence, hard work, determination, confidence and authenticity in their children.
Enneagram Type 8’s can be fierce advocates for their children, fighting for their rights, providing a safe and secure home, and setting firm boundaries easily.
They enjoy heated debates because they like the power that comes with intensity and expressing anger helps them feel powerful. Anger can overtake them unless it is released immediately. Underneath the anger and quick action are often feelings of vulnerability, sadness and anxiety.
- Core Fear: being controlled, abandoned or harmed by others or the environment. (They don’t feel the fear because they avoid vulnerable emotions)
- Core Desire: To protect themselves and to be in control of their own life
and destiny. - Core Motivation: To prove their strength and resist weakness. To be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control.
Vulnerability provides the opportunity to be hurt or abandoned so Eights avoid it by pushing others away. They struggle to connect with their softer side, because of the fear of being hurt, but truly have very sensitive souls. When they can open their hearts and trust people, they have enormous potential to use their strength for the greater good. At their best, they can be heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.
Elaine’s story
I was hanging out with a strong and charismatic mom I met through a Mother’s Club I had joined.. We were at her house for a playgroup and she was talking about her plans to homeschool her kids. She and her husband were entrepreneurs and felt the school system had inadequately prepared them for adulthood. Their plan was to “unschool” their kids which means not having any specific curriculum, just exposing kids to life experiences and letting the kids take the lead on what they are interested in learning. She had impressive ideas: A friend who would teach kids woodworking and mechanics. Another artist friend who would let them create in her studio. She was determined to give her kids a unique educational experience so they could blaze their own trails and pursue their own passions, instead of being told what to learn.
However, when our sons were 5, her son got jealous about some of the activities happening at my son’s school. My son was asked to bring in an item that started with each letter of the alphabet. This boy was so excited about finding something in his home that started with the letter D. He begged his mom to let him go bring something that started with D to school. His mom was annoyed. “Don’t just copy someone else, think for yourself! What are you interested in?”
She was so wrapped up in being anti-establishment that she didn’t see he had found something that interested him. She could have done the same activity at home, bringing an item that started with D to the dinner table. It would have been easy to appease him without giving up on her homeschooling ideals.
Because she held so tightly to her ideas that he shouldn’t want to go to school, he decided that school was a thing worth fighting for. He begged and pressured to go to traditional school, even though it was really just the structured assignment he craved that she could have offered.
This Type 8 Supermom struggled to value his priorities higher than her own, or believe that he could actually enjoy and benefit from traditional school.
It took some time but she finally reconciled that her son had a different personality than she did and the type of education she and her husband wished they had, wasn’t a perfect fit for their child.
Eights are the true “rugged individualists” of the Enneagram. More than any other type, they stand alone. They want to be independent, and resist being indebted to anyone. They often refuse to “give in” to social convention, and they can defy fear, shame, and concern about the consequences of their actions. Although they are usually aware of what people think of them, they do not let the opinions of others sway them. They go about their business with a steely determination that can be awe inspiring, even intimidating to others.
3 Questions to help determine if you might be an 8
- Do you have an extraordinarily strong exterior, one that is sometimes intimidating to others, but that hides a less visible but highly vulnerable interior?
- Do you tend to be excessive in what you do? (all or nothing with diet & exercise?) Believing you can never get enough of a good thing.
- Do you have immediate impulses to take strong and forceful action, particularly when you are feeling anxious and vulnerable?
5 challenges Enneagram Type 8s may encounter while parenting children:
Enneagram Type 8, often referred to as "The Challenger" or "The Leader," is characterized by a strong desire for control, assertiveness, and a tendency to take charge of situations. Parenting as a Type 8 can present various challenges due to their dominant personality traits.
- Struggle with Authority: Type 8 parents may find it challenging to balance their own authority with allowing their children autonomy and independence, leading to power struggles.
- Overbearing Nature: They may come across as too forceful, intense or intimidating for sensitive kids. Their desire for control may make it challenging for their children to express their own opinions, and make decisions separate from their 8 parent.
- Impatience: Type 8s may struggle with patience, expecting immediate compliance from their children and becoming frustrated when things don't go according to plan.
- Difficulty with Vulnerability: They may have difficulty showing vulnerability or tenderness, which can impact their ability to connect emotionally with their children. May prioritize strength and resilience over emotional support and empathy.
- Struggle with Delegating: They may find it difficult to delegate tasks or responsibilities to their children, preferring to take on everything themselves to ensure things are done their way.
8’s are the last of all types to seek the help of a life coach, but if they do, they usually like it when the coach is willing to challenge their thinking directly and help them know the truth from the widest possible perspective. 8’s like to macromanage as well as micromanage so coaching appeals to their ability to control their outcomes.
What 8’s gain from life coaching
- To feel less guilty for their own behavior
- To feel less responsible for others
- To manage their abundant energy without imploding or exploding.
- To understand the personalities of those that think and feel differently
- To feel strong even when feeling vulnerable and weak.
Shanna came to life coaching ready to explode. She felt betrayed and ready to smack some people upside the head. Because the people she wanted to hurt was a 13 year old girl, she wouldn’t, but she was struggling to know what to do with her fury.
She had formed a tight friendship with this neighbor girl and their daughters were best friends. The last 10 years of her life were filled with sleepovers, carpools, celebrations and sharing each other’s lives.
Shanna treated this neighbor girl like her own daughter. So when she started ghosting her daughter, and leaving her out of friendship groups, mom took it very personally.
Sofia, Shanna’s daughter, asked her mom to stay out of it. She wanted to deal with it on her own, but that was really hard for Shanna to do.
Eights take friendship very seriously. It can take time to work your way into the 8’s inner circle but once you are in, they will do anything for the ones they love. Once you have earned their trust, you will have love, loyalty and fierce commitment.
It is very common for 8’s to hold a grudge forever to anyone who betrays them.
Through life coaching, Shanna was able to process her emotions in a healthy way, making room for her daughter Sophia to have her own reaction. We talked about the normal, social development of middle school girls which helped de-personalize the situation and make it normal. The friendship never went back to its original closeness but Shanna learned how to tame her anger so she could be there for Sophia in a supportive and encouraging way.
Eights struggle to be nice because they see niceness as weak or vulnerable. So when they open up their hearts and homes, consider it an honor and privilege if you are allowed in.
Tips:
- Whenever you feel the urge to yell, demand, offer an opinion or suggestion, take a breath and ask yourself, what is the feeling I’m trying not to feel? Why is it so hard for me to sit in this moment? What is the worst thing that will happen if I allow my child space to figure this out on their own? When you do speak, try asking a question to help your kid come to their own conclusion.
- Practice giving compliments to others. To an 8, this can feel like giving up a piece of yourself. Challenge yourself to think about positive attributes other people possess, then share your compliments with your children, partner and co-workers. The more you do it, the easier it will get and you will train your brain to look for the good.
- 8’s need to be aware of feeling punitive or vengeful. They can have a warped sense of fairness. Let people off the hook once in a while. While turning the other cheek sounds “weak and gross”, think about it as asserting your ability to impact others by creating a culture of kindness.
Many 8’s live with zero accountability because they are always in charge. Working with a mentor or life coach can help 8’s take accountability, build trust and humility. As they learn to feel safe exposing their softer side, they become more generous, open hearted and able to help others reach their potential with powerful and profound unconditional love.
Tuesday Mar 12, 2024
Enneagram Type 7 - The Enthusiast - The Adventurer
Tuesday Mar 12, 2024
Tuesday Mar 12, 2024
Enneagram Type 7 - The Enthusiast - The Adventurer
Sevens are defined by their desire to experience everything life has to offer while avoiding pain and boredom. They appear to others to be lively, fun-loving, optimistic and extroverted.
Sevens are often very busy people who bounce from one activity to another in their quest to squeeze every possible bit of enjoyment out of life.
- [caption id="attachment_14915" align="aligncenter" width="997"] Enneagram Type 7[/caption]
Core Fear: Sevens fear getting stuck in a rut and missing out on the good life. They cope with this fear of being deprived by constantly seeking out exciting, novel, and fun experiences.
Core Desire: To feel satisfied and content. To have their needs fulfilled.
Core Motivations: Sevens want to avoid feeling bored, sad or uninspired. They are motivated to maintain their freedom and happiness by staying excited and occupied.
Type 7’s are playful, spontaneous and versatile, keeping busy with a wide variety of interests. They have TERRIBLE FOMO, so afraid of missing out on every juicy bit life has to offer that they run themselves ragged trying to experience it all.
Enneagram Type 7 moms are a joy to be around. Their enthusiasm for life, curiosity, and creativity makes everyday activities fun and engaging for children.
Type 7’s are also known as the Epicure. Someone who takes pleasure in fine food and drink. When my friend’s kiddo asked her what was for dinner, she responded with:
“Picture this: tender pasta ribbons cradled in a rich, velvety sauce bursting with the vibrant flavors of sun kissed tomatoes from Tuscany. Aromatic garlic and fragrant herbs envelops each strand with its hearty embrace, delivering a symphony of savory goodness to your palate.”
She looks at me and says “Spaghetti with Ragu sauce”. I can sell anything.
Enneagram 7 parents are often imaginative and creative, which can lead to innovative approaches to problem-solving. These are the parents who easily turn cleaning up your room into a game, contest and challenge.
Seven’s are flexible and open to new experiences, making them willing to adapt to their children's changing needs, personalities and desires.
7’s have an Adventurous Spirit so they encourage exploration and curiosity, fostering a sense of adventure and discovery in their children.
Enneagram 7 parents are often resourceful and quick-thinking, finding solutions to challenges that arise in parenting.
They enjoy sharing experiences with their children and are often generous with their time and attention. Sevens are sensitive to their children's emotions and strive to create a nurturing and supportive environment. Enneagram 7 parents inspire their children to dream big and pursue their passions with enthusiasm and determination.
Internally, Seven’s downplay negative emotions, easily finding a positive reframe for negative situations. This sunny optimism can be uplifting and inspiring, but can also feel a bit out of touch with reality. Sometimes, we want validation for our negative emotions and disappointments with life and it’s frustrating to only be allowed to focus on the silver lining.
I had a friend who was always praising her kids' activities, speaking about it in very high regard. If they were on a swim team, you’d think it was the best invention ever. When I asked why they didn’t do it again the following year, she would praise the beauty of creative, self initiated play and an open ended summer schedule. Whichever school they were in was the best school. Even when she ended up transferring, she refused to say a negative word.
It made our relationship very superficial. When I was going through a hard time with one of my kiddos, she was the last person I’d tell. Because she wouldn’t be vulnerable enough to admit things aren’t perfect, I found other moms to go to who were more understanding and compassionate.
Bright and expressive, Seven’s see the world as their playground, making their wide eyed enthusiasm for life an easy match for raising children. Sevens are often very imaginative and creative, with thinking fueled by creativity. They excel in coming up with new ideas and initiating experiences. However, they can struggle with focus and self-discipline.
Seven’s are quick and agile learners, able to learn new information AND new skills quickly, synthesize it and put it to good use. This ability to be good at many things without much effort can cause them to be a bit directionless in life. Their wide ranging curiosity, and ease with acquiring new skills, means they don’t always value what they offer compared with someone who worked really hard to achieve the same level of success.
As with the 5’s and 6’s, the work of the 7 is to learn to trust their inner guidance. 7’s keep anxiety at arm’s length by keeping busy and looking forward to new things. Raising children gives 7’s focus and endless opportunities to engage with new experiences, UNLESS they get sick, injured, are introverted 5’s who are easily overstimulated, or are forced to quarantine due to global pandemics.
Carrie came to life coaching during COVID lockdowns. She was struggling to keep her kids focused on their Zoom classes, while focusing herself on completing projects at her marketing job. She also had herself cleaning out the attic, building a home gym, learning to play piano and teaching her kids to cook. There were no complaints of course, she just wanted parenting tips to keep her kids focused.
As we talked, I started to get a fuller picture. Carrie was drinking every night, had difficulty with sleeping and was scared about her family getting COVID and deathly afraid of BOREDOM.
Once we addressed Carrie’s fears, the anxiety calmed down. She no longer needed to run away from her busy brain. She started drinking less and sleeping more. We used her long list of projects to help her tune into her inner guidance and prioritize the things that helped her feel balanced.
Carrie learned that she was using excitement to distract herself from her anxieties and what she yearned for the most was the feeling of contentment. Joy, enthusiasm and happiness came easily to her, what she really yearned for was peace and contentment so we practiced it.
By the end of our 12 sessions, she had a clear vision of what she wanted to accomplish during COVID lockdowns, with tools to keep kids focused, and a structured schedule she had been craving. Whenever Carrie got frenetic or felt the urge to start drinking, she used it as a reminder to feel her feelings. She slowed down and asked herself, “What is the feeling I’m trying not to feel?” She processed her negative emotions in a quick and easy way, then practiced the feeling of contentment. Once she stopped avoiding her negative emotions, Carrie’s playful and creative spirit made lockdowns fun for the whole family.
3 Questions to help determine if you might be a type 7
- Can you find a silver lining to almost every situation and easily reframe negatives into positives?
- Do you constantly seek new and stimulating people, ideas, or events to keep life exciting, adrenalized and moving forward?
- Do you have trouble sustaining your focus on projects, people, and conversations without considerable effort?
Struggles that Enneagram Type 7’s may have while parenting:
- Difficulty with Routine: Enneagram 7 parents may struggle to establish and maintain consistent routines, which can be challenging for children who thrive on predictability.
- Impulsiveness & Risk Taking: They may sometimes act impulsively without fully considering the consequences, which can lead to inconsistency in discipline or decision-making.
- Avoidance of Conflict: Enneagram 7 parents may shy away from confrontation or difficult conversations, which can hinder effective communication within the family or prevent moms from setting boundaries and being “The bad guy”.
- Restlessness: Enneagram 7 parents may have difficulty staying focused on long-term goals or commitments, which can be unsettling for children who crave stability.
- Tendency to Overcommit: Enneagram 7 parents may take on too many obligations or activities, leaving little time for quality bonding with their children.
- Fear of Missing Out (FOMO): They may feel compelled to constantly seek out new experiences, which can detract from their ability to feel content in life.
What Seven’s gain from life coaching
- To process negative emotions and trust that their needs will be met.
- The ability to feel calm and satisfied in the quiet moments of life.
- To prioritize their many passions and move forward with goals that truly matter.
- To rely on their inner guidance
I was working on a somatic mind-body coaching program and needed some people to practice on. Naveah was having pain on her side of unknown origin. The doctors couldn’t find any explanation for her pain and it was causing her a lot of anxiety.
I walked her through an exercise in listening to her body. I asked her to name 5 things on her to do list and notice how the body responds to these tasks. The goal was to be able to identify the difference between the BRAIN and the BODY.
When we asked her body how it felt about going on her daily 10 mile run, it gave a negative reading (heavy and constrictive) but Naveah didn’t like this response. She quickly dismissed it saying enthusiastically, “I love my morning run! It’s the best part of my day! I’m training for a triathlon! I have to run! Running makes me feel better!”
This was such a great example of how her BRAIN was saying she loved running, but her BODY was telling a different story.
Naveah’s Type 7 personality didn’t want to recognize that there was anything “negative” getting in the way of her fun. She didn’t want to SLOW DOWN and REST even though her body was asking for exactly those two things.
The problem with overriding the body is that this is where our inner wisdom comes from. Our intuition or inner guidance speaks to us through our physical sensations. When Naveah ignored the heaviness and fatigue, her body screamed louder through side body pain.
7’s are the most prone to addiction because of their adrenaline seeking, happiness seeking tendencies. Seven’s fear of being deprived of happiness and being held captive by emotional pain and suffering.
The work of the Type 7 is to learn to trust your inner knowing and be able to process the quieter, darker emotions in an effective way so that you can get back to being your joyful self.
“All of humanity's problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” French Philosopher Blaise Pascal
3 tips for Enneagram Type 7’s moms
- Learn to sit quietly in a room alone. If you can’t do 5 minutes, do 1 minute or 30 seconds of deep breathing, working your way up to longer. If you can’t sit, go for a walk in nature. Always reminding yourself that you can be still and alone and nothing bad happens.
- Start tuning inward to understand the voice of your inner wise guide. It’s not urgent or a craving. It’s not jumpy, or loud. Our inner wisdom speaks softly, through subtle physical sensations of constriction or expansion. (unless you ignore it for years, then the pain gets louder and harder to ignore, but it will never go away.) Practice on things easy things: Do I want tomato soup or minestrone? Do I feel like running the treadmill or riding the bike? Work your way up to bigger things.
- Be mindful of the tendency towards addiction and find a safe space to help you access the more scary and vulnerable emotions. We need access to ALL our emotions in order to be whole. Therapy, life coaching, AA groups can help you evolve into wholeness and have a good time without hiding from your fears.
Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.
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Wednesday Mar 06, 2024
Enneagram Type 6 – The Loyalist
Wednesday Mar 06, 2024
Wednesday Mar 06, 2024
Enneagram Type 6 - The Loyalist
The Faithful Guardian - The Skeptic - The Doubter
Type 6’s are dutiful & committed to their systems, groups, relationships and beliefs, and will hold on to these longer than other types. Once they align themselves with people and institutions they trust, they make excellent team players who are well-liked, loyal, and detail oriented. They take pleasure in being cooperative and can be endearing, friendly and funny companions.
Sixes work hard to protect their kids, colleagues, friends, and loved ones by staying alert and vigilant, anticipating and preparing for what could go wrong.
Sixes love identifying as a mom and enjoy creating a stable home environment to raise their kids in. These moms like feeling connected to their community. They join churches and PTA’s and volunteer for troop leader, room mom, coach and car pool organizer.
Type Sixes are security oriented. When considering what to do, how to solve a problem, and what decisions to make, they look outside of themselves for the answer. They believe external authority figures are supposed to take care of everything but, they cannot be trusted to do so. This back and forth of wanting to trust external authority, but simultaneously not trusting it, creates a lot of anxiety.
Sixes have come to believe that they don’t have the inner resources required to get through life on their own so they need the support of friends, families, religious groups, jobs, political affiliations, and social media support to feel safe.
Sixes worry about the worst case scenarios and “what might go wrong?” before committing to a course of action. Their internal committee causes them to second guess and create self doubt.
“Hope for the best but plan for the worst” could be a mantra for the Enneagram Type 6.
Because they have so many fears, they are the most courageous of all types because they are constantly using bravery to face life’s “what if’s”. They live life, move forward and get things done despite their fear.
[caption id="attachment_14901" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type 6[/caption]
Type 6 is the most contradicting of all types. They trust authority but rebel against it. They are anxious and courageous, optimistic and pessimistic. Making it hard to identify their type.
Core Fear: Being without support or guidance. Fear of facing fear.
Core Desire: To believe they are safe and secure.
Core Motivation: To feel confident, secure and in control. To trust themselves to make good decisions.
Their fear of being without support can manifest in various ways, leading them to seek reassurance from others and to form strong bonds with people they trust.
They might seek reassurance by caring about their physical image, valuing physical power and typical cultural ideas about societal beauty. They want to look the part so they can feel safe.
They might seek reassurance by focusing on career and making money, wanting to control their financial resources and having external symbols of successes like houses, cars, church and school affiliations.
They might seek reassurance by questioning authority, complaining and rebelling against these systems but not leaving them.
The Six is the most likely to hang on to an unhealthy relationship, career, organization, or belief, even when it’s clear it’s no longer working for her. They are the most likely of all the types to suffer from “Tall Poppy Syndrome”. An Australian term used to describe how people are attacked, criticised, resented or cut down when they are more successful than their peers. Sixes feel safest when they achieve success within a group and feel vulnerable standing apart from their peers.
Michelle was BURNED OUT at her job. Everyday she would calculate how many more years she needed to work until she could retire, rearranging the formulas hoping to find a way to follow her hearts desire and just get out. She scanned job boards, took promotions, and entertained new career paths trying to find the path to freedom that felt SAFE.
The committee in her head was filled with opinions about how irresponsible it would be to leave, and how she just needed to suck it up for another 8 years so she could retire with full benefits. The fear of defying her internal committee felt DANGEROUS.
When she came to life coaching she learned to question the messages her scared committee was sending her. She realized that no amount of job searching was helping calm down the fear of going against the grain and trusting her inner guidance.
It was clear that her higher self was telling her it was time to go but she had learned at young age to ignore her gut and trust external authority.
Together we discovered internal and external voices that validated her desire to leave her job. She met with a financial advisor who walked through the numbers, showing her she would be fine to leave. She started hanging out with friends who had made career shifts in midlife. She found podcasts and mentors who encouraged her to trust her gut.
I remember the day I mentioned the word “sabbatical”. She repeated the word back to me with enthusiasm, “sabbatical”. That’s a THING people do! She took a breath in and her whole body relaxed. Suddenly her “radical, irresponsible idea” had a word. Knowing that there was a precedent of other responsible, hard working people to take a break from their careers, made it ok for her to do it, too.
It’s been one year since she left her job and is loving life so much she is planning to extend her sabbatical another year.
Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment.
Sixes want their family members to share beliefs so they feel safe. When families have different political, idealogical or religious perspectives, it can be very hard for them to adapt and accept.
Joanna was raised by a conservative religious family and a military father. Expectations were very clear growing up, and punishments strictly enforced for those who did not conform to the familial expectation. It took a lot of personal work and therapy for Joanna to trust her inner guidance and leave her religion. She looked forward to giving her kids freedom to choose their own spiritual guidance and build a relationship with a higher power that was unique to them. So when her son decided he wanted to JOIN the religion she FOUGHT so hard to leave, she panicked!
Joanna also had a hard time when her kids would misbehave. She knew she didn’t want to be punitive like her Dad was, so she was understanding and lenient. When they acted up, all she could think was “Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know what my Dad would have done in this situation?” She wanted them to be grateful but instead they were rude and dismissive, taking advantage of her kindness. Joanna felt powerless because the only tool she had in her tool belt was something she didn’t want to use.
Together we worked on building new tools for getting kids to listen and obey. She found her calm leadership energy and used it to get the respect she deserved.
[caption id="attachment_14900" align="alignright" width="997"] Enneagram Type 6[/caption]
Sixes are strong and weak, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, believers and doubters, etc. It is the contradictory picture that is characteristic of Sixes.
The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life.
Questions to determine if you might be a 6:
- Do you constantly anticipate multiple scenarios, thinking about what could go wrong and trying to plan so that this will not occur?
- Is it difficult to imagine a best case scenario or a positive future?
- Do you feel anxious frequently and intensley?
Struggles that Enneagram Type 6’s may have while parenting:
- Over-protection - Constantly worrying about what could go wrong and feeling responsible to protect their children from a scary, mistrusting world.
- Anxious parenting may cause kids to have a fearful and mistrusting world view. Subconsconously teaching kids hypervigilance and anxiety.
- Fear of Independence - May micromanage kid’s lives preventing them from learning from life’s experiences or thinking independently from mom.
- Seeking external authority from parenting experts, family, friends and schools can lead to self doubt and anxiety when these groups disagree with one another.
- Difficulty setting boundaries for fear of rejection and breaking the emotional bond. Indecision, analysis paralysis, and rebelling against external authorities can leave kids confused about what the rules are.
What Sixes Use Life Coaching For:
- To learn to trust their own inner guidance.
- To learn to trust the world is a safe place.
- To give equal time to the idea that good things happen just as often, if not more frequently, than bad things happening.
- To be less anxious and more in control.
In health, Sixes are intellectual and insightful. They have learned to trust their own inner authority rather than look to other people to keep them safe. As a result, they are confident, calm and resilient, connecting with others in a deep, steady and warm hearted way. They are clear and courageous, trusting their ability to look after themselves.
In stress, Sixes are fearful when their kids start to individuate and create values different from mom. They experience a lot of anxiety and frenzy while trying to control things they have no control over. They engage in continous worse case scenario thinking and imagine all the bad things that could possibly happen.
Small action steps 6’s can take today to feel more trusting and safe.
- Bring your brain into the present moment. Name 5 things you see in front of you and ask yourself, “Am I in any immediate danger?” If not, reassure yourself that “In this moment, all is well.” Learning to bring your brain out of the future and into the present is a helpful exercise for the anxious six.
- Learn about the Law of Attraction and practice imagining things going well. Worrying feels like healthy preparation to the six, but the Law of Attraction teaches that imagining positive outcome helps to make positive outcomes!
- Use the 14 day Supermom Challenge to connect with your inner guidance. Learning to listen to the voice of our higher self, instead of the voice anxiety, can help the Six learn to trust their own wisdom instead of external authorities. www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/challenge
Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.
Listen to more podcasts HERE .
Tuesday Feb 27, 2024
Enneagram Type 5 – The Investigator
Tuesday Feb 27, 2024
Tuesday Feb 27, 2024
The Enneagram Type 5, often referred to as "The Investigator" or "The Observer," is known for their thirst for knowledge, a desire to understand, and a tendency towards introspection and solitude.
These perceptive, cerebral problem solvers are intensely curious and love to delve into topics that interest them. 5’s are lifelong learners and enjoy acquiring expertise in areas that captivate their intellect.
Type 5s value their independence and autonomy. They are introspective by nature and need solitude to recharge and reflect on their thoughts and ideas.
Type 5s tend to be reserved and observant in social situations. They prefer to listen and observe as they gather information and analyze their surroundings. When they do speak, their words are well thought out presenting fully formed ideas.
Type 5 individuals excel at strategic thinking and problem-solving. They have a knack for seeing patterns and connections, which enables them to come up with innovative solutions to complex problems.
Imagine we all wake up everyday with our battery fully charged at 100%. Throughout the day, work, kids, chores, arguing and traffic can drain our energy so that by bedtime we are at 0%. Enneagram type 5's start the day with their battery charged at 20% and being out in the world drains it quickly so they need to retreat in order to charge it up again. This makes fives keep involvement with others to a minimum. Small talk, sharing feelings and socializing can feel like an intrusion making relationships challenging.
It’s not uncommon for reserved Type 5s to adopt a minimalist lifestyle. They prefer to keep their life simple so that there are fewer demands on their time, energy and attention.
Core Fear: being incompetent, incapable, or ignorant. They fear being overwhelmed by the demands of the world and not having the resources to navigate it successfully.
Core Belief: They must protect themselves from the demands of the world by accumulating knowledge and minimizing their needs. They believe that by being self-sufficient and intellectually competent, they can avoid feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable.
Core Motivation: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.
Ahn came up to me after I spoke at a parenting conference wanting to make sure she was setting her kids up for a successful future. She moved to the U.S. to give her kids the best opportunities and had been reading parenting books and attending conferences to learn more about U.S. parenting culture.
Ahn had taken an intellectual approach to parenting, diving deep into educational theories, child and brain development. She provided her kids a stable home environment and kept the peace with her gentle demeanor.
Because it was clear she was meeting all of her kids’ intellectual needs, I decided to take a “whole brain approach” with her. I talked about how the school her kids went to emphasized left brain skills but where she could supplement at home were the right brain skills.
She was hungry to learn more so I talked about engineering companies were complaining that the kids coming to work for them had plenty of education but not enough real life experience. Kids today weren’t doing enough tinkering in the backyard, building things, jumping off things, playing with rocks, water and sand. The businesses of today were noticing that this lack of playful experimentation had negative career consequences down the road.
She was practically salivating! She had a park down the road from her home that she had never taken her kids to because she thought it was a waste of time!
I talked about other right brain skills: empathy, art, storytelling, play, and how she could help her kids develop their right brains at home while they worked on their left brains at school. I suggested the Daniel Pink book “Why Right Brain Thinkers are Going to Rule the Future.” and I felt so happy that I could give Ahn’s kids a happier childhood by being able to speak the language of the enneagram 5.
Questions to determine if you might be a Type 5:
1. Do I minimize my exposure to the outside world to conserve energy?
2. Do I prefer accumulating knowledge and information over material possessions, clothes, or symbols of status?
3. When a situation gets emotional, intense or overwhelming, do I disconnect from my feelings in the moment and then reconnect with them later, at a time and place of your choice? (or become anxious because these feelings were suppressed?)
Behind Fives’ relentless pursuit of knowledge are deep insecurities about their ability to function successfully in the world. Fives feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others. But rather than engage directly with activities that might bolster their confidence, Fives “take a step back” into their minds where they feel more capable. Their belief is that from the safety of their minds they will eventually figure out how to do things—and one day rejoin the world.
The intense focus of Fives can thus lead to remarkable discoveries and innovations, but when the personality is more fixated, it can also create self-defeating problems. This is because their focus of attention unwittingly serves to distract them from their most pressing practical problems. Whatever the sources of their anxieties may be—relationships, lack of physical strength, inability to gain employment, and so forth—average Fives tend not to deal with these issues. Rather, they find something else to do that will make them feel more competent.
Struggles Enneagram Type 5’s may encounter as parents:
Emotional Availability: Type 5 parents may struggle to express emotions openly and provide the emotional support and validation that children need. They may prioritize intellectual engagement over emotional connection, which could lead to difficulties in nurturing their children's emotional development.
Need for Space and Solitude: Type 5 parents value their alone time and may require significant periods of solitude to recharge and pursue their interests. Balancing the need for personal space with the demands of parenting, which often involve constant interaction and engagement, can be challenging for Type 5 parents.
Difficulty with Spontaneity: Type 5s tend to prefer structure and predictability in their lives. They may struggle with the spontaneous and unpredictable nature of children, finding it challenging to adapt to the ever-changing demands and needs of parenting.
Overemphasis on Independence: Type 5 parents may be ready for their kids to grow up and become self sufficient, long before the kids are ready to do so. While independence is important, it's also crucial for children to feel supported and nurtured as they navigate the world.
Anxiety: 5’s tend to have very busy brains and are prone to ruminating, overthinking and mental spinning. Their slow external pace can hide a hyper anxious mind and the suppressing of emotions and ignoring the body exacerbates this anxiety.
What 5’s use life coaching for:
1. To understand and connect with their children.
2. To focus on time management and accomplishing goals.
3. To reduce anxiety and find tools for relaxing the nervous system.
4. To help them take breaks from parenting.
Monique came to life coaching in, what I call, “zombie mommy mode”. She was going through the motions of her life without feeling fully present, alive or connected. She didn’t know what was wrong, the hamster wheel she ran on everyday kept her family on autopilot. She had the job, the house, and the family life she wanted, but she felt lost.
Once we figured out she was an enneagram 5, it was easy to see what was missing. Monique needed alone time and she needed delve into learning something new.
It started with taking a day to herself to explore the city. She wandered through museums, spending as much time as she wanted at each exhibit without listening to complaining kids. It was HEAVEN for her. When Monique came home, her husband and kids noticed a marked difference in her demeanor. She seemed happier, more relaxed, like her old self. Her husband suggested she take a whole weekend away next time, and she did.
She signed up for a free walking tour, diving into the history of the city. She relished the quiet evenings to herself. She enjoyed a two hour breakfast where she actually got to READ the whole NEWSPAPER before visiting some of the city's historical landmarks.
These weekends gave her the quiet time she needed to fill up her cup, get a break from the noise, chaos and clutter at home, and devote time to her favorite activity, learning.
Other enneagram types worry about what people will think if they take breaks away from this kids, but fives don’t care about that. These thoughtful, self sufficient investigators like to maximize their mental abilities, avoid taking risks and value integrity over social acceptance.
Small action steps 5’s can take today feel like a more balanced and peaceful parent:
1. Focus on making decisions and accomplishing tasks.
Notice when you are getting intensely involved in projects that do not necessarily support your self-esteem, confidence, or life situation. It is possible to follow many different fascinating subjects, games, and pastimes, but they can become huge distractions from what you know you really need to do. Decisive action will bring more confidence than learning more facts or acquiring more unrelated skills.
2. Use physical activity to get out of mental spirals.
Fives tend to be extremely intense and so high-strung that find it difficult to relax and unwind. Make an effort to learn to calm down in a healthy way, without drugs or alcohol. Exercising or using biofeedback techniques will help channel some of your tremendous nervous energy. Meditation, jogging, yoga, and dancing are especially helpful for your type.
3. Learn active listening.
Living with children means living with emotional beings. Try repeating what you hear them say. Paraphrasing their thoughts and feelings will help your kids feel heard, seen and felt.It also gives your brain something to do and builds a close connection without having to empathize with all their emotions.
Tuesday Feb 20, 2024
Enneagram Type #4 - The Creative Individualist
Tuesday Feb 20, 2024
Tuesday Feb 20, 2024
Enneagram Type 4 Supermoms
Enneagram Type 4 personalities are often known as "The Individualist" or "The Romantic." Sensitive, creative, introspective, and unique, the enneagram type 4 craves authenticity and unique creative expression.
- Type 4s possess a rich inner world and often have a unique artistic sensibility. They are drawn to creative pursuits such as writing, music, art, or other forms of self-expression.
- 4’s have a keen awareness of their own emotions and are often highly empathetic towards others. Their ability to feel deeply allows them to connect with the emotional experiences of those around them.
- Type 4s value authenticity and genuineness, striving to live in alignment with their true selves. They are often unafraid to embrace their quirks, eccentricities, and vulnerabilities.
- They have a natural inclination towards introspection and self-reflection, which can lead to profound insights and personal growth.
- Type 4s are empathetic and compassionate towards others' emotional struggles. They have a knack for understanding and validating the feelings of those around them.
- They have a deep appreciation for beauty in all its forms, whether it's found in art, nature, or human experiences.
Type 4s can be prone to experiencing intense emotional highs and lows, sometimes struggling with feelings of sadness, longing, or melancholy.
Parenting can often really help a 4's tendency to indulge in self-pity or self-absorption.
Type 4s may romanticize the past or fantasize about an idealized future, sometimes struggling to fully engage with the present moment.
Type 4s may struggle with feelings of envy or comparison, longing for what they perceive others to have or be. This can sometimes lead to a sense of dissatisfaction or discontentment.
4's can have difficulty with criticism, taking it personally and feeling deeply wounded by even constructive feedback. Their sensitive nature can make them vulnerable to rejection or perceived slights.
Understanding these strengths and weaknesses can help Type 4s navigate their personal growth journey and cultivate more balanced and fulfilling lives.
Beth was a loving and devoted mom. One of those moms I envy because she was always coming up with fun creative ways to play with her kids. She made up stories and dressed up in costumes to act out skits. She played music and encouraged spontaneous sing-a-longs. Her Christmas presents were so creative and uniquely catered to each child.
She was excited when her kids got the opportunity to travel for a month with their grandparents.
She had high aspirations for all she would accomplish while they were gone.
She was going to clean out closets and work on her creative art projects.
But once they were gone, she felt lost. Her idealized plans for productivity quickly spiraled into feelings of inadequacy and despair. Hours and hours of time spent inside her head connected her with her melancholy and inner critic. She realized how much having kids around helped pull her outside of herself.
Her month of melancholy made her start fearing her kids’ growing independence. She loved having her kids around and didn’t want to be clinging to their ankles as they went off to college. She was scared for her future so she decided to start a savings account for herself alongside the kids’ college tuition savings. When her youngest child got her driver’s license, she hired me to help her design an empty nest strategy.
Enneagram Type 4’s rarely need help feeling their feelings, they need help taking action despite their feelings.
Core Fear: Enneagram Type 4s fear being inadequate, defective, or emotionally empty. They dread feeling ordinary or mundane, striving instead to find a unique identity or significance that sets them apart from others.
Core Desire: The primary desire of Type 4s is to find their own sense of identity and authenticity. They long to be seen and understood for who they truly are, valuing self-expression and individuality above conformity.
Core Motivation: Enneagram Type 4s are motivated by a quest for self-discovery and self-expression. They seek to explore their inner worlds and emotions deeply, often using creative outlets to articulate their unique perspectives and experiences.
Angelica had open, loving and supportive relationships with her kids. She had no problem adjusting to her child who identified as non-binary. She encouraged all her kids to express themselves in the way that felt most authentic to them. New and creative outfits, hair coloring and artistic pursuits were valued in her home.
But when one child wanted to attend Christian Sunday School with their friends she felt her values were being rejected. She viewed it as a desire to conform to peer pressure, making it mean she made the wrong decision in choosing where to raise her kids. When the other child wanted to go out for cheerleading, she believed she had completely failed as a mother.
The 4’s tend to blame themselves when their kids don’t live up to expectations. They have idealized pictures of what life can and “should” be like and compare themselves to these idealized images, criticizing themselves harshly when it doesn’t match up.
Angelica and I worked on letting go of “perfect pictures” and used her love of spontaneity to live in the present moment and meet her kids where they were each day. Instead of thinking she had “failed”, Angelica viewed her kids’ interests as “trying on new outfits to see which one fit”. The more she learned about her kids’ personalities as separate from hers, the less rejection she felt.
The 4 personality type loves the deep and personal relationships they form with their kids. It can be a struggle when kids want to pull away and individuate.
Questions to identify if you might be a 4
- When you feel something very strongly, do you hold on to your emotinos intensely for long periods of time, constantly replaying your thoughts, feelings, and sensations?
- Do you think of melancholy as a pleasurable experience?
- Do you continually search for deep connections with others and feel distraught when these connections become severed?
Kryptonites that Type 4 Supermoms might face as parents:
- Intensity of emotions: Type 4s are highly attuned to their emotions and may experience intense feelings on a regular basis. This emotional depth can be overwhelming for them and may make it challenging to regulate their emotions, especially in high-stress parenting situations.
- Tendency towards melancholy: Fours are prone to experiencing periods of melancholy or sadness, which can affect their parenting style. They may struggle to maintain a positive and upbeat atmosphere in the home, especially during challenging times.
- Focus on authenticity: Authenticity is crucial for Type 4s, and they may prioritize being true to themselves above all else. This focus on authenticity may clash with societal norms or expectations around parenting, leading to feelings of isolation or alienation.
- Comparison with idealized images: Fours often compare themselves to idealized images of what they believe they should be. As parents, they may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt if they perceive themselves as falling short of their own or society's expectations.
- Difficulty with routine: Type 4s may resist or struggle with routine and structure, preferring spontaneity and flexibility. Establishing and maintaining consistent routines for their children may require extra effort and patience on their part.
What 4’s use life coaching for:
- 4’s tend to BELIEVE what they FEEL.
When a 13 year old starts closing their bedroom door for privacy, a 4 may take it as a personal rejection. When a 4 feels rejected, they interpret it as rejection. I help them de-personalize their kid’s behavior by understanding their child’s unique personality (as separate from mom) and understanding typical teen behavior.
- Offering a logical, practical outsiders perspective is very helpful for these moody 4’s.
Asking questions like, “Are you absolutely sure that thought is true?” “How would you know if you have ‘ruined your kids’?” Could the opposite be just as true if not truer?” Pulling 4’s out of their negative emotions and into the logical part of their brain is a HUGE benefit for these emotionally intense 4’s.
- To help them find time for creative expression.
The demands of motherhood can consume all moms, but especially Enneagram type 4’s who feel and think deeply and intensely. Carving out time for themselves is KEY to helping Supermom stay sane in the land of crazy.
- To tame the inner critic! 4’s are so hard on themselves!
They seem to have an unbalanced perception of reality, taking negative feedback as confirmation that something is wrong with them and quickly rejecting positive feedback. 4’s can lack effective filters to help determine whether a negative perception is accurate. Having an outsider offer a balanced perspective is invaluable.
- To help moms feel connected to their growing adolescents without having to constantly engage in deep, meaningful interactions.
To let go and trust that it’s enough.
- To feel more capable of making things happen and to manifest their dreams rather than feeling things are happening TO them.
4’s tend to put off things that feel uninteresting or mundane allowing small things to pile up. Life coaches can help 4’s create and stick to a plan for accomplishing tasks.
Small action steps 4’s can take today:
- Deliberately think positive thoughts about yourself and others. Look in the mirror and say something nice. Brag about something good you did in your journal. Then select another person to think positively about without making any comparisons to yourself.
- Take action from your values instead of your emotions. If you are feeling too emotionally overwhelmed to tackle your to do list, acknowledge the emotions but stay in charge of yourself. Ask yourself, “Which do I value more: staying in bed because of overwhelming emotions or getting things done despite my emotions?” “If my kids didn’t want to go to school or dance because they felt sad, would I suggest they go anyway hoping the social activity or physical release would help?”
- Prioritize mental clarity and taking care of business. You are great at connecting with your emotions, creativity and empathy, but there are certain aspects of life that benefit from structure. If you find yourself dwelling in negative emotions, focus your attention on others. How can addressing this ‘boring” task benefit my family?
Listen to more podcasts HERE .
Tuesday Feb 13, 2024
Enneagram Type 3 - The Achiever
Tuesday Feb 13, 2024
Tuesday Feb 13, 2024
Enneagram Type 3 - The Achiever
[caption id="attachment_14730" align="alignnone" width="300"] Enneagram Type 3 - The Achiever[/caption]
Threes value achievement, results, and recognition and like to do their best. They tend to be ambitious, efficient, highly flexible and adaptable to help them accomplish their goals. Hard working and principled, Three’s can make reliable, devoted parents with the will and energy to be their best.
Image-conscious: Maintaining a positive image is crucial for Type 3s. They are concerned about how others perceive them and often work hard to present themselves in a favorable light.
Adaptable: Threes are adaptable and can adjust their behavior to fit different situations. They are skilled at reading social cues and can be charming and engaging.
Competitive: Threes are naturally competitive and enjoy measuring their success against others. This competitiveness can drive them to excel and achieve their goals.
Focus on productivity: Threes have a strong work ethic and are highly productive. They prioritize efficiency and effectiveness in their tasks and projects.
Fear of failure: Despite their outward confidence, Threes often have an underlying fear of failure. They may tie their self-worth to their achievements and feel a sense of emptiness or inadequacy if they don't meet their goals.
Attention to appearance: Threes are conscious of their physical appearance and the impression they make on others. They may invest time and effort in looking polished and put-together.
Desire for recognition: Recognition and acknowledgment of their achievements are crucial for Threes. They thrive on positive feedback and appreciation from others.
Tendency to suppress emotions: Threes may suppress or downplay their emotions, focusing more on what is pragmatic and efficient. They might prioritize tasks over addressing personal feelings.
Struggle with authenticity: Threes may struggle with authenticity, as they can be prone to presenting a persona that aligns with societal expectations rather than expressing their true selves.
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Core Fear: Threes have a deep-seated fear of failure and being perceived as unsuccessful. They are afraid of not living up to expectations, losing face, or being seen as incompetent.
Core Desire: The core desire of Enneagram Type 3 is to be successful and admired. Threes seek recognition, approval, and acknowledgment for their achievements. They desire to be seen as competent, accomplished, and capable in the eyes of others.
Core Motivation: The core motivation for Type 3 is driven by the need to excel and succeed. Threes are motivated to prove their worth and value through their accomplishments. They work hard to achieve their goals, often striving for external validation as a measure of their success.
I worked with a client for 3 sessions before she stopped showing up. She was exhausted from working at her demanding career all day, and caring for her 3 daughters in the evening.
On our first call, I pointed out that our energy goes where our attention goes. She realized her attention was focused outside of herself all day, taking care of business, but never focused inward, onto her body and emotions. She craved her own attention but when we discussed sitting down for 5 minutes to just breathe and catch her breath, she panicked.
Intellectually, she understood the benefit of resting and giving herself some time and attention, but it triggered a lot of fear.
“There is too much to get done” “More work will pile up if I stop” are the thoughts that run through the minds of type 3 Supermoms who value efficiency and productivity, over emotions. I’ve helped many 3’s learn to value relaxation but this mom stopped coming before we get over the resistance to relaxation and the fear of inefficiency.
3 Questions to help decipher your type:
- Do you mind cutting corners for the sake of efficiency?
- Do you always want to be the best? (even beating your kids at board games?)
- How important is it to you that other people see your achievements?
Elizabeth was a people oriented go-getter. She loved leading a team and getting things done at her prestigious job. When she showed up for coaching sessions, she had an agenda of topics to cover and her desired results.
The topics often had a theme, someone else was displeased with her. She could intuit the emotional discord but didn’t know how to process the emotions of it. I learned to ask about her sleep and her overeating, as this was the best barometer of how she was feeling.
Three’s care about people but when things get tough, they get down to business. Elizabeth had a hard time understanding why other people didn’t see things they way she did. They often got stuck in their emotions and couldn’t see that her decisions were logical and efficient. Others could view her as emotionally distant, impatient and dismissive.
During coaching sessions, Elizabeth overcame her fear of vulnerability and sat with her uncomfortable emotions. She used her difficulty sleeping and overeating as a reminder to tune inwards and ask, “What am I trying not to feel?”. Then she practiced the 90 second process of feeling feelings so that she could move past it in the most efficient way possible.
Supermom Kryptonite: What trips Threes up?
- Extra curricular activity is the first thing to go. Difficulty taking breaks, unplugging and having fun even while on vacation. Their fear of being seen as a failure or incompetent can override their desire for self care. Relaxation takes last priority because it doesn’t feed their image of success. 3’s worry about being considered worthless if they don’t achieve their goals but all this ignoring of their emotions can cause depression if they don’t get enough down time or personal time.
- Under stress, Three’s go to numbness and inaction which connects them with the worthless feelings they try hard to avoid. When 3’s are burned out and they rest, it feels like giving up on themselves rather than self nurture and self love.
- The image-conscious nature of Threes can translate into a desire for their family to appear successful and accomplished. Seeking social prestige can be tricky when the definition of success keeps changing - physical appearance, career success, family dynamics. Compare and despair. Competitive.
- Overscheduling and Overcommitment because they are so liked and depended upon.
Relationships that require emotional vulnerability are really challenging. Because 3’s don’t dwell on failure, a critical comment from a loved one can derail a 3 and cause them to withdrawal. - Pressure to succeed: Type 3 parents may unintentionally project their own desire for success onto their children. This can create an environment where the child feels pressured to meet high expectations, potentially leading to stress or kids feeling like they are worth less than your work or your image.
- Everyone has difficulty listening to long, boring kid stories but 3’s REALLY have a hard time. The emphasis on productivity and achievement might make it challenging for them to slow down and engage in meaningful, unhurried interactions with their kids.
- Balancing work and family life. Threes may find it challenging to be authentic about their struggles and imperfections as parents. The fear of failure and a desire to maintain a positive image may hinder open communication about difficulties or mistakes.
3’s want to hear that they are loved and valued not for what they do, but for who they are.
What Three use life coaching for:
- To Learn effective and productive ways to process emotions quickly!
- To slow down, be in the present moment and make time to open their hearts to others.
- To say no
- Getting comfortable with vulnerability (zoom vs. phone)
- To take off the mask and be their true self. appreciate who they are at their core.
- To separate their achievements from their children so they can feel like successful parents.
- To understand the mind of a child who thinks differently than you.
- To accept and appreciate the diverse personalities of their kiddos.
- To create their own definition of success for each stage of life. There comes a time in every 3’s life where SOMETHING NEEDS TO GIVE. It’s helpful to see that the tools you used to become successful in your 20’s are not the same tools you need in your 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.
Small Action Steps Three’s Can Take to grow in a positive direction:
- Find ways to combine productivity with down time instead of trying to cram your schedule full. (Horse ranch, eyelashes) Understand that it takes confidence and courage to say no, take a day off, and prioritize yourself.
- Get your family to move quickly by entering their world instead of trying to bring them into your world. Play. Active listening. Love Languages.
- Train your loved ones to say “We like you just as you are!” “You are prettiest when you are relaxing” and “I’ll clean the kitchen so you can take a bath.” Instead of waiting and hoping they say what you want to hear, write down the compliments you would love to receive and keep them handy. I kept a 3x5 card handy with the words, “I don’t know how you do it. I could never do what you do.” I would hand this card to my partner when he walked in the door after work trips and even though I was the one who wrote it, it really helped me feel validated and appreciated.
Jump in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group and tell me if you are a 3. What has helped you connect with your essence and emotions?
Tuesday Feb 06, 2024
Enneagram Type#2
Tuesday Feb 06, 2024
Tuesday Feb 06, 2024
Enneagram Type #2
The Giver - The Generous, Supportive Advisor
[caption id="attachment_14694" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type #2[/caption]
Twos are warm, caring and welcoming at their core. Twos want to be liked and try to meet the needs of others. They are demonstrative and want to be valued for helping others and being a positive influence.Twos have their sense of self worth, pride and value linked to how others respond to them. If you believe these 3 sentences, then you might be a Two.
-You can intuit what others need if you just pay close enough attention.
-Relationships are what matters most
-People like people who are as generous and thoughtful as I am.
Core fear: Being alone and unloved, rejected and unwanted, being thought of as needy, inconsequential and unworthy.
Twos cope with this fear by taking care of others and making themselves central to other people’s lives.
Core Motivation: To feel loved and appreciated, which is what motivates them to give love and appreciation to others. Two’s value kindness, generosity, and self-sacrifice. Caring and compassionate, Twos place a strong emphasis on relationships and have highly developed people skills. They can be generous with their time and resources and can easily become overcommitted and overworked.
Twos are most likely to become co-dependent and exhibit “exploding doormat syndrome”, surprising overreactions that come from suppressing their own wants and needs.
Instead of setting boundaries, Twos can give and give, then explode with “I can’t take it anymore” “No one appreciates me”.
Ellie was a loving and generous mother who liked to dote on her kids, and her partner. She loved cooking them healthy meals and making them happy by buying and preparing them special food they loved to eat. Her family got used to her generosity and started expecting it. “When’s dinner?” “What did you pack me for lunch?” and, of course, “I don’t want to eat this.”
This made her annoyed, resentful, and guilty because she blamed herself for creating this situation.
Ellie realized that she liked cooking for her teens when she wanted to, or because they were pleasant dining companions. She was happy to cook when her family appreciated it but as soon as her gift turned into an expectation, she no longer enjoyed it.
Ellie decided she would cook for herself. She told her family what she was making for herself and that she would happily double the recipe. If they didn’t want it, they were welcome to help themselves or make a peanut butter sandwich.
Putting her own desires first, helped her not feel resentful and continue to give, but only when the recipients desired her gift.
Two Supermoms are adept at intuiting the needs of their children and providing time, attention, advice, referrals and more. Twos tend to LOVE parenting young children and enjoy the hugs, appreciation and dependency that young kids can shower upon them. When these open hearted kids become grunting teenagers who no longer express appreciation, moms can feel sad or resentful.
The sensitivity to other people’s feelings allow the Two to recognize and often experience the feelings of others as if they were her own. This high empathy means Supermom Twos can often ride the emotional roller coaster ride of adolescence right along with their child. Twos take great pleasure in helping others and love to help their kids live up to their potential. If they perceive their kid is being treated unfairly, they will rise to their defense.
The middle school years were tough on Supermom Jasmine. She knew her daughter was struggling with her friendships and it pained her. Watching her daughter get left out as the friend group shifted was unbearable. She reached out to other moms to help include her daughter and smooth things over but her daughter didn’t want her mom to get involved. The more Jasmine tried to get her daughter to open up about her feelings, the more she withdrew and shut her out.
Jasmine reached out to see if I would be a good life coach for her middle schooler. After talking, I suggested she and I start coaching together to see if we could help her daughter in a different way.
Jasmine learned the benefit of healthy boundaries, her daughter stopped seeing herself as a problem that needed fixing. She learned to let go of believing she was the only one who could and should solve her daughter’s problems. The more Jasmine built confidence in her daughter’s ability to handle life’s ups and downs, the more confident her kiddo became. She learned to see her daughter’s growing independence as a good thing and started focusing on the parts of her she left behind when she first became a mom.
Because Twos focus primarily on other people’s needs, they are often unaware of their own needs, frequently acting as if they have none. Two’s are the most reluctant to come to life coaching because they think self sacrificing is good and hiring a coach is indulgent, but this is the type that gains the most from having a coach.
Stephanie felt lost. She had been looking forward to this time when all her kids were in school so she could finally get time to herself. But quickly, she learned that having alone time didn’t magically reconnect her to herself. She spent her days doing chores for her family and friends. When she went out on dates with her partner or friends, the conversation always came around to the children. She really wanted to feel like herself again but was confused on how to get there.
We started by talking about how our essence is connected to our desires and being able to ask yourself “What do I want?” is a powerful place to start. Not only was she unable to come up with any desires, she had resistance to believing it was worth spending time on. In her mind, giving was the only way to receive.
The concept of “putting on your own oxygen mask first” and to “fill up your own cup so that it overflows” were designed for these self sacrificing Twos.
When she could see that “taking care of her kids’ mother” was the greatest gift she could give her children, she relaxed and started reconnecting with her spirit that had been long ignored.
After 3 months together, she sent me a beautiful card (because that’s what Two’s do) that read, “Thank You for giving me back my Stephanieness. My cup is full and I know how to keep it that way.”
Some Twos are more focused on individual relationships, others on helping groups, being in leadership positions, and a desire to stand above the crowd. This ability to prioritize people and relationships serves career minded Two’s very well. They can be very ambitious and successful, it’s just that the motivation comes from wanting to feel loved and appreciated.
Question to help decipher your type:
Do you intuitively know what someone else needs but have a hard time articulating your own needs, even to yourself?
If you’re completely honest, do you believe that you can get almost anyone to like you if you really want to?
Do you feel really good when others respond to you in the way you most want, but particularly deflated when this does not occur?
Supermom Kryptonite: What trips Twos up
Giving to Get - manipulative giving, expect return on investment
Assuming you know what’s best, giving unsolicited advice and wanting to be the reason others are happy or wanting others to be unwell so that they can help.
Worrying and feeling bad for others, obsessing about ways to help.
Becoming overworked and over committed, difficulty saying no. Difficulty asking for help but getting resentful that people don’t offer. It can be difficult for others to give them enough love to fill their cup.
Wanting love, gifts, affection, appreciation but thinking “I shouldn’t have to ask”. Playing the martyr, “I suffer for you and you aren’t grateful”.
A disintegrated Two can become demanding, manipulative, controlling and overbearing when feeling insecure. Emotional Insecurity happens when relationships get threatened.
Disintegrated Two’s can be easy to offend and sensitive to criticism.
Codependency - Twos can have a lack of respect for boundaries. They may over prioritizing the needs of others, feel guilty when doing things for themselves and struggle to prioritize themselves in relationships.
Hannah was a loving, empathetic and nurturing mother of three older kids. She loved mentoring them, helping them with their friendship struggles and problem solving personal challenges. They confided in her and she relished this role in their lives.
However, Hannah struggled to set boundaries with them. They took advantage of her kindness and were demanding, rude and disrespectful. She preferred the nurturing role she had when they were little and resisted stepping into an authoritative leader who commanded their respect.
Hannah was scared to be mean and punitive like her father was. It took some work but she was able to find her own calm leadership energy that felt powerful and respectful. Together we established her rules, consequences and overcame her resistance to claiming authority in her home.
Even though she missed being able to cuddle and sing to them, she stepped into her new authoritative role because she knew it would be good for them.
What Twos use life coaching for:
- Reconnect with their spirit and feel valued and worthy from the inside.
- Learn that self care isn’t selfish and that people appreciate it when they prioritize themselves.
- Learn to use their empathy and intuition appropriately, release worry, and set healthy boundaries.
- Maintain balance.
- Recognize the signs of being out of balance and know how to get back into equilibrium.
Twos rarely ask for help but appreciate it when help is offered.
Small Action Steps Twos Can Take to grow in a positive direction
Find someone with a mother who doesn’t take good care of herself? Emotionally, financially, physically, notice what a burden it is on the child. The best gift you can give your kids is a well rested, happy, healthy balanced mother. What kind of care giver would you hire for your kids? Treat your children by treating yourself.
Sign up for my Supermom Challenge www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/challenge
Download the “How we feel” app and start paying attention to YOUR emotions multiple times a day. The reason Twos try to control and manipulate others, is because they are trying to avoid a feeling. Learning how to sit with your emotions for 90 seconds and feel them in the body will help Two’s stay in their own business and have clean boundaries.
Are you living with a Two? Healthy integrated Two’s can be easy to live but need others to encourage balance and self care. Disintegrated Twos can be controlling and manipulative, under the guise of being helpful. This toxic manipulation can be hard for outsiders to see but is important to address.
Jump in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group and tell me if you know what a young Two is as like as a child or teenager. Are they rescuing injured animals? Making homemade gifts for their teachers? Feeling the emotions of all the other kids in middle school or in the world?
Listen to more podcasts HERE .
Tuesday Jan 30, 2024
Enneagram Type #1 - The Moral Perfectionist
Tuesday Jan 30, 2024
Tuesday Jan 30, 2024
Type #1 The Perfectionist - The Reformer
The rational, principled, self controlled idealist
Today I will help Enneagram Type #1's understand their motivation, release the burden of perfection, trust in their goodness and finally relax.
Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. (Atticus Finch, Hermione Granger) At their worst: close minded, critical, self righteous (Osama Bin Laden)
A type 1 parent can show up quite differently depending on whether their strict moral code extends to their children, or is primarily turned inward onto themselves.
You might hear a One say to their kids: “It’s my way or the highway” ,
“It’s important to take your responsibilities seriously.
“If you were more organized, this wouldn’t be a problem.”
“If you aren’t going to follow the rules, we aren’t going to play.”
Or you might hear them say:
“Why can’t I ever get it right?
“I can’t relax because there is still work to be done.”
Basic Fear: Being a “bad” person
Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be beyond reproach
Key Motivations: Want to be good and right, to strive higher and improve themselves and the world around them, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.
Ones might express irritation and resentment regularly but try to control their anger because they see it as morally wrong. Ones have difficulty letting go, being silly, indulging, relaxing and going with the flow.
Type One Anja signed up for the Leading Your Teen group class and was super enthusiastic. She had taken parenting classes when her kids were young and appreciated learning new tools and strategies for parenting her kids. She read books and enjoyed striving to be her best. She participated and enjoyed getting coached. Learning about herself and ways in which she could improve made her feel competent. Acquiring strategies for raising teenagers helped her confidence that she was up to the task.
She spoke highly of the class to her friend Amy (also a type 1) assuming she would love it. Amy signed up for the class but struggled to get into a learning mindset. She was so wary of being criticized and afraid someone might think poorly of her that avoided participating. I suggested Amy drop the group class and switch to individual so we could focus on self compassion, believe in her goodness and tame her inner critic. Focusing on these things first got her into a place where learning could take place.
Ones monitor what they say, how they say it, with a very critical internal voice that scolds them for what they do wrong. They try to live up to the internal standards of what they believe to be behavior beyond reproach. When Ones take on a task, their intention is to do it right. Their mission is to seek perfection and avoid mistakes.
Whenever I hung out with my friend, just being around her made me a better mom. She had amazing tolerance for what I found to be difficult. She was patient and kind to EVERYONE else, except herself. She held herself to a very high standard. I didn’t get many glimpses inside her head but from what I could see, she had a ferocious drill sergeant who did not give her any of the credit she truly deserved.
Ones can be serious, single minded, and driven to work hard, while also being highly critical of themselves and others. If you are remodeling your kitchen or having brain surgery, you WANT to work with a One!
Ones are diligent, responsible, organized, and TIRED. But instead of resting when tired, they try to complete all the tasks thinking once everything is done, they can rest. Ones have difficulty relaxing unless on vacation because there is work to be done (and they dislike delegating).
Raising an ADHD kid who did not take school seriously was a huge stress on Julia. She couldn’t stand his lackadaisical attitude and procrastination and felt tied up in knots on a daily basis. But when she was on vacation, nothing stressed her out. She loved being “vacation mom”, so relaxed and open, so we studied her and figured out how to bring vacation Julia, back into everyday life at home.
Ones are highly discerning and try to do the best job possible, down to the smallest detail. They try to behave perfectly to cover up a deep fear of being flawed. Ones control their anger and disapprove of expressing anger, but can be judgmental and critical of their partner, their kids, the schools, coaches, etc. “There’s no excuse for being late.”
Christina didn’t take her perfectionism out on her 16 year old, but instead turned it onto the school system she was a part of. Everyday she’d pick her daughter up at school and interview her for pain, looking for injustices and problems she could help her solve. She thought the way to show her love was to have her back against a common enemy. Together they would bad mouth the teachers, the school system, and her friends. This made Christina feel aligned and connected with her daughter, but it was a catch 22. Her teen felt the only way to make her mom happy, was to focus on her unhappiness. She felt she had to choose between betraying her mom or betraying the system she was participating in.
Ones look for fault in other people because it allows them to feel better in comparison.
“Everyone needs to do their part to make the world a better place.”
“Why can’t anyone do anything right?”
Questions to help decipher your type:
- Do you have a constant internal critic, that you’ve had since you were a child, that never gives you an atta girl, that you aren’t behaving appropriately and you don’t have what it takes.
- Do you have a constant need for self-improvement, while knowing that no one will ever be perfect?
- Do you have a hard time relaxing, having fun, and getting away from your responsibility unless you are on vacation?
What is this Supermom’s Kryptonite? A disintegrated One mom might…..
- Fixate on small imperfections “There’s no excuse for being late.”The question “Will this matter 10 years from now?” is a great daily question Ones can ask themselves.
- Obsess and micromanage (Checking powerschool everyday? Focusing on one tardy or A-)
- Need to fix everything that is broken in the world and get resentful when others don’t share their beliefs about right and wrong. “Cows are the biggest producers of carbon emissions so if we care about the planet we shouldn’t eat meat.” Ones don’t want their beliefs to be challenged. “Let’s agree to disagree” is a difficult concept for Ones.
- Analysis paralysis can cause procrastination. You want to organize the playroom but since there is no way to do it perfectly, you leave it a mess and get resentful that no one else is annoyed or helping you with it.
- Difficulty feeling satisfied. Ones can be an exemplary role model parent to everyone else but they don’t feel the inner satisfaction because their inner critic keeps telling them unless you are perfect, you suck.
- Difficulty delegating to others and spending time and money on relaxation and self care because the voice in their head says they don’t deserve it and it’s not “ morally good”.“I’ll load the dishwasher because I’ll have to do it again anyway because you won’t do it right.”
What perfectionistic Ones use life coaching for:
- Tame the inner critic and increase compassion for self and others.
- Develop an inner cheerleader who gets equal headspace.
- To relax, have more fun, and feel more serene. Learn when to take off the Supermom cape, and when to put it back on.
- Add humor, levity and lightheartedness into parenting.
Example: Davina came to life coaching feeling resentful that her kids liked their Dad more than her. He was more playful with them and she knew it. She wanted to be more fun loving but felt like there was too much work to get done. Davina’s hard work ethic served her well in her career but at home it was costing her connection with her family. She couldn’t stand watching them lounge on the weekend, not doing anything productive.
Through coaching, Davina became aware of this mean critical voice in her head that said “relaxing is bad, productivity is good.” (all the time, everyday, no matter what). She learned that her main motivation for working so hard was a fear of what this inner critic was going to say the minute she sat down and stopped working. She decided to see this voice as a prison guard, keeping her locked in this “all work and no play” prison. Instead of pretending this prison guard wasn’t there, she befriended it. She would negotiate with it saying “I promise I’ll go to the gym tomorrow morning if you’ll step aside for two hours tonight while I watch a movie with my kiddos.”
As Davina took the pressure off herself, she was able to take the pressure off her family, too, and allow them to relax.
Small action steps Ones can take to grow in a positive direction:
- Start celebrating mistakes. Purposefully do things wrong, slack off, drop a ball, and celebrate it with your family. Leave the dishes in the sink just to prove you can. Don’t contribute anything to the class party. This will help you become more flexible, increase levity, and show that inner perfectionist who’s boss.
- Redefine your definition of success. Many Ones define success as “doing everything right”. Think about the people you admire, that you consider successful. What is it about them that looks like success to you? Often, Ones will notice things like “balanced” “fun loving” along with “passionate and driven”.
- Create a “Relaxation Challenge” - Ones like improving themselves so instead of seeing relaxation as something you earn after all your work is done and perfect, see it as a task to complete. Start with 5 minutes of guilt free relaxation and set the timer. Work your way up to 30 minutes in the middle of the day. Do research showing the benefit of midday naps, sitting in the sunshine, or just savoring a cup of tea while staring into space. By flipping the script and making relaxation a chore and a challenge, ones can increase balance and joy in their lives.
Listen to more podcasts HERE .
Tuesday Jan 23, 2024
Introduction to the Enneagram for moms
Tuesday Jan 23, 2024
Tuesday Jan 23, 2024
Introduction to the Enneagram
The next 9 episodes are designed to help us become saner, wiser, more compassionate, moms and humans. The enneagram types will reveal patterns about how you interpret the world, and the world around you. You will learn what’s holding you back and get tools and tips to feel better using this ancient personality system called the Enneagram.
The enneagram is a symbol with points, lines and wings. It is a complex system that has been studied from many different perspectives. It is certainly worthy of a deep dive if you are interested but this is a podcast for busy mamas so we aren’t going into the nitty gritty. We’re just going to use the wisdom of the enneagram to fine tune our parenting, understand the confusing people living in our homes, and help us become the best moms we can be.
By learning about our key motivations and fears, we can block out the noise of what society tells us we SHOULD care about, and prioritize things that are most important to us.
These enneagram types are formed by a combination of nurture AND nature. Kids come out of the womb with personality and spirit. They are authentically themselves. How we react when life happens to us can cause us to lean more towards one enneagram type or another.
I suggest you listen to all 9 types and see if someone you know pops into your mind. You might resonate with a little bit of each type, that’s ok because the deeper you go, the more similar we all become.
I’ve been doing this podcast for the last 4 years and the one word that comes up most frequently (after TIRED) is motivation. “ How do I motivate my teenager? Why can’t I motivate myself, I’ve lost my motivation” If you want to understand the root of motivating yourself and others, the next 9 podcasts are for you.
The 2nd benefit I hope you’ll take from the next 9 podcasts is compassion. So many moms I talk to are so hard on themselves, beating themselves up for not being “good enough”. My hope is that by understanding your enneagram type, you can cut yourself some slack and go a little easier on yourself. You can look at your friends and family members and not take their challenging personalities so personally.
We all have integrated and disintegrated aspects to our personalities. When a people pleasing parent is struggling with a rude, opinionated teen, parenting tips can be super specific because it’s just a typical 9, parenting a typical 8. There’s no pressure, nothing has gone wrong and it’s nobody’s fault, but there are things you can do to make life more enjoyable!
If you are a 2, and your teen is struggling but doesn't want your help, it can be especially challenging. Understanding your child’s enneagram type can help you give to them in a way they can actually receive, while also helping you evolve your relationship with them.
If you are still listening to this but are thinking “This is stupid. No one is going to put me in a box and tell me about myself. I cannot be categorized.” Then you are probably an 8 so feel free to wait until that episode comes out so you can just learn about YOU.
Pura Vida - I am recording these episodes in Costa Rica hoping the Enneagram will provide you with Pura Vida: optimism, no worries, pure and simple living, the essence of life.
Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.