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You love being a mom but get overwhelmed, lost and resentful by all the parenting responsibilities. Listen as life coach, teacher and parent educator, Torie Henderson, answers common parenting dilemmas from hard working Supermoms. Are you exhausted from working hard all day but still feel like you haven’t accomplished anything? Do you want to feel calm, energized and in control? Then this podcast is for you.
Episodes
Tuesday Apr 18, 2023
How To Take Care of My Own Emotional Needs
Tuesday Apr 18, 2023
Tuesday Apr 18, 2023
Taking Care of Your Emotional Needs
Question of the Day:
How can I take care of my own emotional needs?
I have tried too many times in too many ways to get my husband to be more empathetic and supportive. I want him to listen to me tenderly, and connect with me emotionally, without being dismissed. The vulnerability of putting myself out there, telling him what I need, and then not getting it, is too much for me to bear. I have been super understanding and accommodating towards him, it’s not fair that I don’t get what I need from him. I think we’d coexist peacefully if I could feel less dependent on him.
Is there a way to take care of my own emotional needs?
M.S.
Parent Educator Answer:
Can you take care of your own emotional needs? 100% yes and I highly recommend doing it.
Can you live in isolation and not ever need other people? 100% no. We are social creatures and we need other people around us for our mental well being.
Even though you are talking about your husband, this is a very common occurrence with moms of teens. Moms come in thinking “I need my teen to be happy in order for me to be happy.” “I need my teenager to be nice to me so I can be nice to him.” “I need my teen to get good grades/have good friends so I can feel like a good parent.”
When we put OUR ability to be happy in the hands of anyone else, it feels terrible.
I got into a discussion with Rachel Simmons (author of Odd Girl Out) at a Girl’s Leadership training. She suggested adolescent girls express their needs to their friends as a way to resolve conflict and strengthen their relationship. “I need you to respond to my texts within 24 hours.” or “I need you to remember my birthday.”
I thought this sounded awful and false. I don’t NEED you to do anything for me to love and appreciate you. I like you, you are my friend. You be you, I’ll be me, and I’ll love you because I want to!
Rachel liked the vulnerability that is required for someone to admit, “I need something from you.” Couples counselors use this terminology to help open up lines of communication. They want couples to reflect on what their needs are, and how their partner can fulfill these needs.
This is certainly a step up from blame and using statements like “You never listen to me” which doesn’t lead to a productive outcome. The act of reflecting on what you need is helpful. I know for a fact that I need affection. But I don’t need my husband to be the one to give it to me. I can hug strangers, get massages, cuddle my dog, cat and girlfriends. Expecting your partner to be the only one to fulfill your needs puts a lot of pressure on them, and puts you in a vulnerable, precarious position.
When my first child was born, I suddenly felt very vulnerable and needy. I was super anxious about something bad happening to my husband because I was so dependent on him for physical, emotional, and financial support. The thought of him dying or leaving made me lose my mind. Once I did the work to overcome that stress, I never wanted to go back.
I did the same thing with my baby. I would sing to him “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” But I hated saying the line “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” because it made me feel too vulnerable. I changed it to “No one will take my sunshine away” because I didn’t want to feel that fear.
My need back then, was security. I needed to feel secure. But asking my husband and child not to die so I could feel secure was not the answer. I had to do the inner work to learn how to feel secure, no matter what happened to them.
We all have a need to feel seen, heard, and felt. If your partner’s active listening is the only way you get that need met, it puts a lot of pressure on a relationship that also needs to get dishes done, help with homework, feed children, carpool and walk the dog. Being able to take care of your own emotional needs is a BRILLIANT strategy.
Paying for what we want keeps the relationship clean. Whether it’s a therapist or a life coach, the rules are simple. This is all about you. This is your time to get your needs met. Writing your thoughts in a journal can get you really connected with your inner world. Having girlfriends or support groups that go deep are great, facebook groups or other online forums designed for deep and meaningful conversations can give you what you are looking for. Books and podcasts that speak to your soul can help you meet your own emotional needs.
When we take care of our emotional needs, everything else we get on top of that is icing on the cake. We feel empowered and free because we trust ourselves to pay attention to our hearts desire, and find many ways to fulfill that desire.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from taking care of our own emotional needs?
The social programming that teaches kids (especially girls) not to WANT things.
Girls and women are not encouraged to pay attention to their desires, or believe they are worthy of pursuing them.
When we were little, we all knew what we wanted, but society taught us to swallow it and do what everyone else is doing:
“You shouldn’t want dessert for breakfast”
“You might want to run around outside with your friends but you should be a good girl and sit indoors on hard chairs like everyone else.”
Society sends us messages like…
“You should be generous, but not a pushover.”
“You should be confident but not cocky.”
“You should care about your appearance, but don’t try too hard.
We get so many messages about what we are SUPPOSED to want, it makes it hard to hear, acknowledge and pursue our desires. “We should want to do well in school.” “We should be interested in boys and romance.” “We should care what other people think about us.”
You absolutely can WANT your husband to listen with tenderness. Wanting that, from a place of worthiness and confidence, feels very different, than needing it. You might even find out that he wants it, too.
Give yourself permission to want what you want because you want it. Believe you are worthy of receiving it. Believe that the rest of the world wants it for you as well. Ask for it with calm, leadership energy.
Let’s differentiate need from want.
What is a NEED that you have? Don’t be specific, stay general. Peace, Quiet, Security, Love, Connection, Beauty. We all have needs but they are never “I need another person to act in a certain way”. Focus on the feeling that action would give you. Then, list 5 different ways you can give that to yourself: Walk in nature, Pay off your debts, Appreciate your dog for his loving attention.
What do you WANT right now? Practice asking for what you want from a place of worthiness. This is where to be really specific and make sure to start your sentence with I WANT!
- Ask your partner for something you want: I want you to rub my shoulders for 5 minutes. I want your help doing the dishes after dinner. I want you to listen to me for 60 seconds then repeat back what you heard me say.
- Ask your kids for something you want: I want you to clean out the car after school today, I want you to speak kindly to your sister.
- Ask yourself for something you want: I want to drink water instead of wine tonight. I want to get up early tomorrow and write in my journal before the kids get up.
- Ask the Universe for what you want: I want my kid to enjoy his baseball season. I want nice weather for our camping trip next month.
We all want such good things: peace, joy, sunshine, a break, a lovely meal, quiet, fun, nature, to get lost in a good book.
Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we took care of our emotional needs and just went around expressing our desire for what we wanted?
Supermom Kryptonite: Under stress, we regress.
People feel so much better after going through the 12 week Supermom is Getting Tired Coaching Program, they assume the issues they conquered will never resurface.
Au contraire, mon amie.
This assumption is today’s Supermom Kryptonite because it’s just not true. When challenges arise and we are hit with multiple disappointments, it is normal for old patterns to re-emerge. Expecting this to happen and meeting yourself with compassion is the key to progress.
This happened to me with my move last week. It’s the week before putting the house on the market. My daughter is home for spring break. I’m managing roof inspectors, sewer inspectors, pest inspectors, house inspectors, plumbers, electricians and handymen, all while trying to keep my newly staged house clean and clutter free. My brain was overwhelmed.
I remember this feeling well when the kids were little. I would walk around the house like a zombie, putting one glass in the dishwasher, folding one towel, sending one email. It felt like I couldn’t accomplish anything. My mind was a fuzzy haze. I had no clarity. This happened to me again last week.
It’s called an Information Bottleneck. Too much coming in at one time causes our nervous system to go into fight, flight, or freeze. Some of my clients go into a cleaning frenzie when they feel pressured (I always envied the folks who stress clean).
When I feel pressure, or if someone is trying to hurry me along, my nervous system freezes. I move slower. I can’t process. This, (combined some with a little handy blame and resentment towards my husband) made me regress into old familiar patterns.
But because I write, talk and coach clients on this all the time, I knew exactly how to handle it. I started with grace and compassion. The old me would have beat myself up for not being more productive, asking horrible questions like “What’s wrong with me?”. This time there was no judgment (a little disappointment at the timing of it, but it I thought about you all and it motivated me to stay self observing).
I walked through the worst case scenario if it doesn’t get done and found there was no emergency. I got out of the house and into environments without a visible to-do list (a walk around the neighborhood, my car). I made time to focus on only one thing (coaching calls and TV shows help me block out the mind clutter). I got everything out of my head and onto paper. I broke things down into super small baby steps so that I could feel accomplished. I delegated, deleted and delayed my tasks. By doing these things, I was able to get my Central Nervous System back on board after only two days of zombie mom.
So remember that under stress, we regress, but if you meet it with compassion and remind yourself that you know what to do, you’ll be back on track in no time.
Supermom PowerBoost: Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson from the book There's a Hole in The Sidewalk
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Tuesday Mar 28, 2023
I’m not getting it all done
Tuesday Mar 28, 2023
Tuesday Mar 28, 2023
Epsiode 147: If only I had more TIME
Dear Torie
I’m not getting it all done!
I have 4 school aged kids, 2 dogs, a part time job, a partner and a house. I am blessed and grateful for this full and busy life…BUT…it frustrates me that no matter how much I accomplish, I am ALWAYS BEHIND. I keep forgetting things, losing things, no matter how fast I move, I feel like always chasing my tail. The idea that I can master motherhood is falling fast.
I just want to knock out my to-do list so I can relax but it never happens, there is always more to get done. I go to bed thinking, “If I just had more time…”
It’s starting to impact my self confidence. My family notices I’m not the happy parent I used to be when the kids were little. They keep offering to give me massages or telling me to take breaks, but if I do, more work will pile up. It takes a lot of logistics to get my 4 duckies all moving in one direction. There’s no time for wandering off (please don’t lecture me about overscheduling my children) but I am stressed out and something’s gotta change.
Stuck on the hamster wheel Hannah
Parent Educator Answer
Hardworking, Supermom Hannah! My heart goes out to you because I have certainly been where you are and so many other moms are right there with you right now. I promise not to judge or lecture you because I have no idea how many activities are right for you or your kids. Everyone is different and I trust you are making the decisions that are right for you.
Your question is one of the most common kryptonites for Supermoms. Tackling INVISIBLE problems is my specialty. You aren’t DOING anything wrong, but the emotional energy you are in from dawn to dusk is exhausting.
We can call this time anxiety, like I did in episode 38.
We can talk about tips and tricks for prioritizing the to-do list but I did that in episode 129.
We can talk about a resistance to relaxation but I covered that in episode 69.
Time anxiety is so insidious and a leading cause of tired Supermoms, it’s worth talking about it in a new way. Getting stuck on the productivity hamster wheel robs you of your ability to ENJOY this precious time of raising your beautiful kids.
Let’s compare our relationships with time, to a romantic relationship. Does your relationship with time seem balanced? Mutually supportive? Uplifting and energizing?
Not really. In this example it’s more like Hannah is stalking her ex.
Think of time as your ex boyfriend, hiding from you, dodging your calls, pretending not to see you, and you are hunting it down, NEEDING it back! You can’t look at dating anyone else, you are hyper focused on getting this illusive hottie back to where your relationship last felt good.
Hannah’s BRAIN is stuck on this hamster wheel of trying to get all her work done so she can finally relax. It seems like the only way to feel at peace is to cross items off your to-do list. Similar to someone who thinks their ex is the ONLY love they will ever need or want and no one else will ever fulfill them.
Can you see that YOU are NOT the problem?
Your TO-DO LIST is not the problem.
TIME is not the problem.
The problem is the relationship you have with time is unbalanced.
A healthy relationship with time looks similar to a healthy romantic relationship.
Giving and Receiving
Mutually Supportive
Kind, gentle and compassionate
Understanding and accepting of one another’s limitations.
Most people think of time as unlimited, and a to-do list as finite. This perception increases feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and disappointment when we don’t get everything done. Your sentence “no matter how much I accomplish, I am ALWAYS BEHIND” is a sentence that’s going to make anyone feel crappy. Imagine your child goes out for basketball and you tell her, “No matter how much you accomplish, you’ll always be behind.” It’s an awful thing to hear when you are working your butt off on a daily basis.
You’ll find a more peaceful relationship with time if you flip it. TIME is finite, and the TO-DO list is infinite. You might be thinking, “wait a second, Torie, thinking that time is limited and I have an endless amount of tasks is way MORE stressful! That is a TERRIBLE thought to think!”
We have a limited amount of time here on Earth. Our kids are young and under our roofs for such a short period of time. We only have 24 hours in a day and 60 minutes in each hour. Time is finite. Once we can accept that it calls us to a higher place. We start thinking about what’s really important. If I only have 24 hours in a day, and 8 are spent sleeping, that leaves 16 hours each day to dedicate towards the things I VALUE. Do I really want to be scrolling through my phone during those valuable hours? Do I really want to feel frustrated and stressed from dawn to dusk, or is there another emotion I’d like to feel instead? Is the highest use of these valuable hours to ‘get everything done’ or is there another perspective worth adopting?
The to-do list, however, is infinite. The kids get older and more gets added. One likes music, the other likes sports, your animal lover can’t have enough animals around the house. You want them to have relationships with family, friends, nature and culture. There’s always more to learn, more to celebrate, more to clean, more to plan and do. There is no end to the amount of things you can add to your to-do list.
Just because TIME is invisible, we think there is no end to it.
To-do lists are visible, so we think they are finite.
Flip them around and it will improve your relationship with time.
Think of TIME like your closet, and the items on your to-do list are the clothes in your closet. If you jam it full of stuff, it makes sense you would lose things and forget you had them. But that doesn’t mean you are failing at motherhood!
There is an endless amount of clothing in the world you could bring home and stuff in your closet. You have the power to choose, curate, rotate your winter/summer clothes, keep the essentials and enjoy the items you love most. Some people like the abundant feeling of a full with plenty of choices. Some people enjoy the simplicity of a pared down minimalist closet. You get to decide what is right for you, but let’s work on not FIGHTING with the closet or the clothes that are in it.
You’ve got this situation that many moms in the trenches face called “Too much to do, not enough time to do it.” You are feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and frustrated about this fact. But let’s imagine you can choose from a buffet table of emotions. How do you want to feel about the fact that you have more to do than time to do it? This is where your control lies. You can choose how you’d like to feel about your overstuffed closet known as TIME. Do you want to feel peaceful? Empowered? Motivated? Neutral or matter of fact?
The most important thing is to take back your power. When we feel like getting through the to-do list is the only way to relax, and we never get through it, it feels like we have no power. You giving away our ability to feel at peace whenever we want. Choosing how you want to feel and focusing on that emotion helps us create a new relationship with time.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from creating a more balanced, peaceful relationship with time? A fear of future emotions.
We create stress in the present by worrying about feeling a negative emotion in the future.
We are afraid to take a break for fear of feeling even more stressed out later.
We are afraid to drop a ball because we might feel judged by other moms, teachers, coaches, our kids or partners.
We are afraid to fall behind because the voice in our head will tell us we are failing at motherhood and we will believe it.
This fear of future emotions causes us to feel negative emotions now.
There are two ways to deal with this.
First is to learn how to process emotions. To move emotions through you in a healthy way so they don’t eat you alive. It takes a little time and practice but it is well worth the journey.
The thing we fear most is a negative emotion. We don’t want our kids to die because we don’t want to be grief stricken. We don’t want to take breaks from our busy lives because we fear feeling anxious, overwhelmed, embarrassed, or ashamed.
When you get good at feeling feelings, there is nothing to be afraid of because you trust yourself to handle any emotion that comes your way. A feeling shows up and you say hello to it. Close your eyes, give yourself 90 seconds to process it in the body, and then it moves on. Allowing yourself to feel anxiety and overwhelm without resisting them, will save you so much time, energy and hassle. When we RESIST emotions they can last forever, but feeling them is quick and relatively painless.
The second way to deal with this is to recognize that the reason we imagine feeling so terrible in the future is because we know what we are going to say to ourselves, about ourselves.
You don’t want your kids to die because you don’t want to feel despair. But even WORSE is when you are sad and grieving and a voice comes in to say, “I told you shouldn’t have let him eat that grape, or drive that car.” Or something really nasty like, “A good mom would've insisted on getting a second opinion.” That inner mean girl is who we ultimately fear.
If you were to build a more peaceful relationship with time, that inner mean girl may come in and tell you, “You are lazy. You are falling behind. You aren’t cut out for this. You don’t have time to relax because there is work to be done.” This inner mean girl is relentless. She is the cause of the shame, guilt, embarrassment, or despair. But guess who determines what that inner mean girl says to us inside our heads? WE DO! It might not seem like it, but learning to manage our minds is another worthwhile skill to have in your pocket to make life easier and more enjoyable.
Even when other people judge us, we still get decide what we say to ourselves about ourselves.
Supermom Kryptonite - Trying to OPTIMIZE your day.
You’ve got a busy life with a lot going on so it makes sense you would want to optimize your time but trying to maximize every day is exhausting. Many moms who struggle with time anxiety strive everyday to spend their time in the most optimal way. It sounds lovely but it’s a kryptonite because when we DON’T meet our own high expectations, we feel defeated. We either optimize our time which temporarily silences the mean girl voice, (no high fives or celebrations mind you!) or we feel behind, stressed, and have to work even harder to quiet that inner mean girl voice. Hannah’s sentence “The idea that I can master motherhood is falling fast.” clued me in to some unconscious maximizing she might be doing. Either I’m MASTERING MOTHERHOOD or I’m…..what…..FAILING? This black and white thinking is exhausting and creates a toxic relationship with time.
Supermom Power Boost - It’s not all on you
It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you think everything is on you. It’s up to you to get your duckies moving in a line, it’s your responsibility to sign field trip forms, plan birthday parties, and bring snacks to softball games. Your job, house, pet care, sporting events, children’s schooling, safety, clothing, hygiene, social life, sleep, all seems like it’s all on your shoulders. It’s a lot and I get it, but it’s not ALL on you.
You are co-creating this life. There is a team helping you move your duckies forward. God or The Universe is helping you get things done. Games get rained out, kids get sick, lights turn green, and kids get good grades. Sometimes, without any effort on your part, things work out.
You are also co-creating with your kids. Sometimes, when you aren’t looking, kids become more capable. They bathe themselves and brush their own teeth. They pour their own cereal for breakfast and learn to use a microwave. Sometimes they complain so loudly and continuously about gymnastics that you decide it’s not worth it. Your kids are helping you create this life.
Pick a thought that feels good next time you are stressed about not getting it all done.
I am being guided.
I am co-creating this life.
This is the life I wanted. I have a full and busy life and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
This is what I’m meant to be doing.
It wasn't a perfect day and that's ok.
I can only do what I can do.
I am open to receiving whatever the Universe delivers.
I am living aligned with my values.
Whatever happens is for my best and highest good.
Quotes by Julie Morgenstern:
“Insisting on doing everything yourself burdens you and prevents others from being valued and needed.”
“We all have different interests, skill sets, concentration cycles and energy levels. The key is to find out how long it really takes you to do the things you need to do and move away from wishful thinking.”
Tuesday Mar 14, 2023
Resisting the Urge to Helicopter
Tuesday Mar 14, 2023
Tuesday Mar 14, 2023
Episode #146 - Resisting the Urge to Helicopter
Question of the Day:
Hi Torie,
What do I do when my high schooler won’t ask for help at school and his grades are suffering?
My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses, most recently missing 7 days due to having Covid. His grades in several classes have plummeted.
I’m sympathetic to his situation - it’s not his fault that he has missed so much school, and getting behind in a bunch of classes and getting low grades feels awful. But the fact remains - he IS behind and he needs to work with his teachers in order to get caught up.
I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up. I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction, but he just shrugs. I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help. I’ve floated the idea of talking to his teachers myself and he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved. And while I want to respect his wishes as well as letting him have the experience of figuring all of this out… I can’t help but wonder if he’s in over his head and needs an adult to step in and coordinate Project Catch-up. Until this year, the academic aspects of school have been quite easy for him, so these struggles are new for us both. I appreciate your input.
Signed,
Resisting-the-urge-to-helicopter
Help for helicoptering
I love how you signed it “resisting the urge to helicopter”. It sounds like your anxiety about his grades is pretty loud in your head but your instincts are saying “something about this feels like overstepping”. Instead of indulging your anxiety and ‘helicoptering’, you are resisting that action until all parts of you are in agreement. A great reminder that fear is LOUD, instincts are QUIET, and INTEGRITY is that feeling of being whole and aligned with your values.
Help for helicoptering
Help for helicoptering
Parent Educator Answer: What conventional wisdom and advice can I offer?
You've already done a lot:
“I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up.”
“I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction, but he just shrugs.”
“I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help.”
Normally I would suggest the problem solving technique where you write the problem at the top of the page. “Low grades due to absences” and then brainstorm solutions, taking turns so you each are writing down different ways to handle it. Come up with many possible solutions, then take turns crossing out the ones you don’t like, leaving one to two compromise solutions at the end that you both agree to.
I’m not suggesting this technique here because of what you wrote here: “he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved.”
The only advice I can recommend that you haven’t already done is to make sure he understands the consequences of his actions so that he knows what he is choosing.
What are the natural consequences of a D or F ?
Would he go to summer school? Will he be preventing himself from getting into an AP class next year? Will it change which colleges he applies to or prevent him from graduating high school?
Once he understands the consequences, he can decide if he’s ok with that. Maybe he’d rather get his GED and be done with school? Maybe he was planning to go to junior college first anyway and he doesn’t want to stress about it? Maybe he’s figured that he’s a sophomore and it’s the junior year grades that count the most so he’s not worrying about it?
Helping him understand what the natural consequences are, can help him make an educated decision and choose his preferred course of action.
Is it possible that your brain was so focused on PREVENTING him from getting low grades, that you aren’t even sure what the actual next steps would be? Summer school is a way more boring thing for the brain to think about than the catastrophizing scenario your anxiety brain can create.
Let’s take a look at what’s blocking you from allowing your son to steer the ship of his own life.
Help for helicoptering
Life Coaching Answer: Separate the facts from our thoughts about them.
Fact - My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses.
Fact - His grades in several classes have plummeted.
Fact - He is behind
Not a fact - “He needs to work with his teachers in order to get caught up.”
This is your belief that is causing you to lock in on one solution to his problem. When he resists the one solution, you feel stuck because you THINK it’s a fact. (You literally said, “the fact remains…)
Fact - You’ve expressed your opinion about what you believe to be the most effective way to get his grades up.
Fact - You’ve offered him help.
Fact - He doesn’t want you to get involved.
Thought - “He’s in over his head and NEEDS an adult to step in and coordinate Project Catch Up.”
Look at how compelling this sentence is to a loving mom who wants the best for her son:
“He NEEDS me! I can coordinate Project Catch Up! That sounds easy and fun and I know just what to do to fix his problem! Look at me putting on my Supermom Cape and sweeping in to solve my sick, helpless boy’s problem. What a good mom I am rescuing my son from failure!”
I love how crafty our Supermom brains are! Look at how you changed the helicoptering to sound so innocent:
“I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up. I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction. I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help.”
Very matter of fact.
But when you get to overstepping you change it to….
“I’ve floated the idea of talking to his teachers myself and he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved.”
You aren’t an overbearing helicopter mom! You are a sweet innocent hot air balloon who just happens to be floating by and observing a DROWNING, HELPLESS BOY WHO IS OVER HIS HEAD AND NEEDS IMMEDIATE HELP!
Whenever we offer help to our kids, make sure you view them as capable of solving their own problems. “You need my help” energy is very off putting and healthy, independent kids will run screaming for the hills.
To clean up your energy, we start with eliminating the cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is when two competing beliefs bounce around our brains at the same time, making us feel stuck and yuck.
The cognitive dissonance in today’s question is:
“I want to respect his wishes and let him have the experience of figuring it all out.”
Vs.
“I don’t want him to suffer any negative academic consequences from his illnesses.”
Of course you don’t want him to suffer negative consequences from being sick, that doesn’t seem fair, but which of these beliefs is more reflective of the mom you want to be?
Do you want to be the mom who thinks grades are the most important thing?
Do you want to be a mom whose child never suffers or struggles?
Do you want to be the mom who trusts her 15 year old to solve his own problems?
When my daughter planned a graduation trip in Barcelona for her and 10 friends, my anxiety was on high. This was new and uncomfortable for me. The one thing that helped me calm down enough to learn more about it was remembering the kind of mom I wanted to be. I wanted to be a mom who encourages her teen to travel internationally. I didn’t want to be the kind of mom who makes parenting decisions out of fear and passes down my anxiety. Could bad things happen? Sure. But the statistical probability that she would DIE in Spain (as my anxiety liked to imagine) was very low.
Ask yourself, what is the worst thing that would happen if he gets D’s & F’s on his report card? Will he get so down on himself he’ll drop out of school, start doing drugs and become homeless? Will this be the beginning of the end? Will his grades stay D’s and F’s and he’ll have to live with you for an extra 2 years while he attends community college? Will your off the grid summer plans get interrupted because he’ll need internet access to complete his summer school course work?
Listen to that anxious brain, hear what it has to say, but don’t indulge it. Do math instead. What is the mathematical likelihood these scenarios will happen? Can I live with this consequence in order to live my values?
- First, separate out the facts from your thoughts about the facts.
- Notice how the anxiety brain is futurizing and catastrophizing.
- Do Math. What is the statistical probability that disaster will ensue?
- Identify the cognitive dissonance. What are the competing beliefs that are keeping you stuck?
- Connect with your values and who you want to be as a mom.
Help for helicoptering
Help for helicoptering
Supermom Kryptonite - Intermittent Competence meets the Helping Tic
We EXPECT our child’s progress to be this smooth upward trajectory towards independence. They figure out the dmv website, sign up for driver’s ed, and pass their permit test without any input from mom. We think, “this is amazing, my work here is done!” But then prom season arrives and they can’t figure out where it is, when it is, how to buy a ticket, which of their friends is going, what the dress code is or how much it costs. We get frustrated that something so easy seems like an insurmountable task. This is intermittent competence and it’s very normal with teens.
When this typical teen has a mom who loves to help people feel better and solve problems, it becomes today’s kryptonite.
Some of us are BORN to help others. We see someone in need and we jump up to help. When anyone (but especially someone we care about!) appears lost, confused, uncertain, unhappy or unwell, our bodies react instinctively like we have an uncontrollable tic.
Tics are sudden twitches, movements, or sounds that people do repeatedly. A person with a motor tic might blink repeatedly, a person with a vocal tic might grunt repeatedly, and a mom with a helping tic might jump in repeatedly and offer to help with enthusiasm!
If you’ve got a helping tic, and you are living with a sometimes competent teen, give yourself some grace. Be really proud of yourself for resisting the urge to step in and take over. You are being triggered daily! Maybe even multiple times a day! Every time you ask the question, “would you like my help?” instead of jumping in, give yourself a reward!
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Supermom Powerboost - The Metaphor Game
You can play by yourself or with kids but it's especially helpful when you have a problem you are trying to solve.
It works with anything but let’s imagine you see a weeping willow tree with limbs dangling over a still pond. Ask yourself, “How is my situation with my son’s grades like this willow tree?”
Let your right brain come up with a creative response like,
“I’m like the long limbs dangling into the pond, and my son is the pond. I’m trying to insert myself even though the pond doesn’t really need me in the water with him. He likes me being nearby, providing shade and a calm presence, but I can mind my own business and trust that my presence here is enough.”
Or maybe you see a flock of birds flying above and ask, “How is my situation like that flock of birds?” Use your imagination to help guide you toward a solution.
“I’m like the lead bird, taking my flock in the direction I know is best for everyone. One bird has gone rogue and is flying in a direction I don’t want him to. How can I steer him back in my direction? Maybe we can follow him for a while and see if he’s got a better idea? Maybe it’s time for him to lead his own flock and this makes me sad, but that’s ok?”
Anxiety is on the left hemisphere of the brain. Metaphors bring us over to the right hemisphere of our brains where we have access to creative problem solving and outside the box thinking.
Quote of the Day
“If you want to enter a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.” Dr. Shefali Tsabary
Tuesday Feb 28, 2023
Understanding Sensory Seeking and Hypersensitive Children
Tuesday Feb 28, 2023
Tuesday Feb 28, 2023
Episode #145
Today's podcast episode is the episode I wish I had when my first born was little.
Today we are talking all things sensitive and sensory with Melissa Schwartz from www.LeadingEdgeParenting.com
If your kid is HYPERsensitive, you are probably already aware of it. It usually shows up the first few years with a sensitivity to lights, noises, textures, smells and tastes. They might be easily overstimulated and have long lasting meltdowns when exposed to too much stimulation. Kids whose sensory information is disorganized might be light sleepers, sensitive to pain, refuse to wear sunscreen or certain clothes, reluctant huggers, or prone to anxiety.
If your child is emotionally sensitive you probably notice this, too. These kids cry when others cry, they don't like intense TV scenes or movies, they might be tuned in to your emotions and feel depleted after being in large groups. Perhaps they struggle extra hard with coaches who yell, friends who are mean, and chaotic environments. If your child has stopped eating meat, it's probably out of sensitivity to animals or our planet.
But if your child is HYPOsensitive, you might not notice these symptoms as much. These kids can complain very little. You might notice they are clumsy, always have things in their mouth, they are more likely to wet their pants than throw a tantrum. These kids have a high tolerance for pain, noise, excitement, and seek out stimulating activities. They might fill their mouths or bellies full of food so they can experience the feeling of being full, or they may skip meals because they can't recognize the inner sensation of hunger. If your kid loves wrestling, climbing up high places, making messes and eating salty, crunchy, chewy food, you might have a sensory seeking child.
Melissa was born an intense, sensitive, empathic, power seeker. She is a respected expert in the field of Highly Sensitive Children and brings clarity, personal experience and compassion for parents raising HSCs. Her intuitive ability to decode misbehavior and her passion for giving a voice to the legitimate needs of children naturally evolved into becoming the co-creator of Leading Edge Parenting and co-author of Authentic Parenting Power and Rico’s Bumpy Week. She is an internationally acclaimed author, coach and public speaker bringing new perspective based on current research and personal experience to transform the field of child development. Melissa is a Stanford University alumna and a graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. She lives with her family in Southern California and coaches parents around the world.
Leading Edge Parenting Facebook Group
"Authentic Parenting Power" book --
"Rico the Race Car" children's book --
Tuesday Feb 14, 2023
How much involvement with teen friendships and dating should mom have?
Tuesday Feb 14, 2023
Tuesday Feb 14, 2023
Episode #144 How much involvement is too much when it comes to teenage dating and friendships?
Dear Torie,
How do I guide my son as he enters and navigates the world of dating and new friendships?
We recently started a new school (at age 13) and he is spending his time with a new group of kids. I want to teach him to look for healthy relationships, both in dating and friendships, but I also want him to be aware of signs of toxic behavior, jealousy, attention seeking girls, trust, morals, etc.
We live in a social media obsessed, poor emotional communication skills world, and sometimes it seems like I’m the only one still trying to guide him through at this age. I’m hoping to prevent false friendships or “frenemy” type relationships. I want him to recognize when someone is a genuine good friend, without giving too much input. When my kids were younger, I would interject freely as needed for guidance. With the new school and the big peer change, I feel conflicted on how much involvement is too much mom involvement.
Nicole
Parent Educator Answer: How to guide teenagers to make good relationship choices.
It’s easy to impart our wisdom and guide teenagers when they come to us with specific problems or complaints about friendships.
“Diego invited me to his birthday party, but he didn’t invite Sam. Sam asked me to hang out this Saturday during Diego’s birthday party. What should I do?”
or
“Kylie keeps texting me asking why I’m not texting her back. It’s getting super annoying. How do I get her to leave me alone?”
For a mom who wants to guide her kids’ social relationships, this is music to the ears. A real life situation and a kid who is asking mom for advice.
The best way for me to answer Nicole’s question “How to guide teens to make good choices” is to help get her into a position where her kid comes to her for help with real life problems.
Opening up the lines of communication between parents and tweens is the main purpose of my Time for The Talk class. When you show your kid you can talk about sexuality in a relaxed and open way, they learn you are open to talking about other difficult topics as well. Time for The Talk class starts February 15th and it’s the only one I’m teaching this year so if you have a 9-12 year old, or a young 13 year old, sign up at www.TimeforTheTalk.com
Let's look at this way. A 13 year old’s job is to fire their parent. To communicate to parents in words and actions, “Your work here is done.”
“I have internalized everything you taught me over the last 13 years, you are a very loud voice in my head that will never go away. Now I need to make room for other voices inside my head. I want to make room for what my teachers, coaches, authors and idols have to say. I want to make room for my friend’s opinions, and those I follow on social media. I still want to know what you think about the complex decisions I will need to make, but I want to have some new experiences and have room to learn from my own mistakes. I want your input, but I want to come to my own conclusions about what I think and believe to be true and right for me.”
While a kid’s job is to fire their parents, a parent’s job is to earn a place at the board of director’s table. To demonstrate, to your child, that you can provide wisdom and guidance when asked. To show your kid you are willing and available to discuss difficult topics, while respecting their journey and allowing mistakes to be made without overreacting.
13 is the perfect age for parents to switch from being the authoritative parent with all the answers, to being your child’s coach. The coach is there to help the child get what THEY want. The coach has been through it before and now, with an outsider’s perspective, can offer wisdom and experience to the player. The coach isn’t on the field playing the game, they are the one to turn to when things get tough, or when kid’s can’t see the forest for the trees. The coach doesn’t worry about the player because they know failing, losing and getting hurt are all part of the process of working towards their goals.
Nicole’s problem is that there are no real problems to solve yet. What she can do in the meantime is talk, out loud, about her own friendship struggles.
How do you handle it when you said yes to a social engagement that you really don’t want to attend?
What do you say to friends who are needy or passive aggressive?
When you find out you have been left out of a social gathering, or being lied to, how do you handle that situation?
How do you handle it when friends share inappropriate content with you?
Relationships are messy. There is no perfect way to navigate through every social situation. When you are open and can discuss them without judgement of right/wrong, good/bad, your child will learn that you are the perfect person to come to when struggles emerge.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from becoming our child’s coach instead of parent?
What keeps us from the neutral, emotionally detached seat at the board of directors table?
Fear of being a “bad mom” and fear of losing our role in our child’s life.
There is a sneaky little cultural belief that has slipped into our subconscious minds causing us to WORRY about our kids. This pervasive cultural belief sounds like “A good mom should prevent her child from negative emotions and negative experiences.” or “If my child gets involved in a toxic relationship, I have somehow failed as his mother.”
When we think our job is to prevent problems from occurring, we get ATTACHED to the outcome. We care, too much, about making sure our child only has positive experiences. When our child gets caught up in a frenemy situation, we think we’ve failed to do our job properly. We don’t want to fail, so we try to prevent our kids from having negative experiences.
When we try to guide and educate from fear, it comes across to our teens as “I don’t trust you to make good decisions on your own.” “I don’t trust that the last 10 years of my teachings has been enough.” “I don’t trust your friends to be nice to you, or for you to be able to handle it without my help.”
When we WORRY instead of TRUST, it closes off communication. It either makes kids not want to come to you with problems because they don't want you to worry or not trust them, or it makes them scared of getting into relationships altogether.
The other obstacle that gets in our way is a fear of losing our role as mom. It sounds like Nicole has been very involved in her son’s life, education (WE changed schools) and social life for the last 13 years. When you’ve built so much of your life and identity around being an involved mom, it’s really scary to let go of it. In my Leading Your Teen coaching program, we devote significant time to letting go of this role because it is a big obstacle to us, being the mom we want to be, to our adolescents.
The antidote to worry, is trust. But in order to access it, we have to shake off the belief that our job as moms is to prevent our children from having negative experiences. We also need to let go of the wonderful time we had raising our kid, to make room for the experience of raising an adolescent, whose job is to make mistakes.
Remind yourself that unsavory social relationships are a part of life. When kids enter into toxic relationships, they get a quick lesson in what they DON'T want, making it suddenly very clear and important what they DO want. These unhealthy relationships help us appreciate the healthy ones and make us determined to make smart choices with future friends and romantic partners.
Supermom Kryptonite - Waiting until your kid leaves the house to rediscover yourself.
Rediscover is such a good word. It means to discover something again that has been ignored or forgotten. When your child turns 13, or starts pushing you away, yearning for separation, it is the perfect time to rediscover the sides of ourselves that got buried while parenting.
If we wait until our child turns 18, or leaves the house, we run the risk of parenting from fear. Fear of not being needed, fear of an empty life, fear of losing our identity as mom. Fear, unchecked, turns into need, dependency and control. When we NEED our kids to stay dependent on us, it makes us dependent on them, which doesn’t feel good. When we feel we are losing control, we cling more tightly, making our kids push us even harder away.
So waiting until your kid leaves the house to rediscover yourself is today’s Supermom Kryptonite.
Start now, while you are still entrenched in the day-to-day busyness of raising a teenager who is still dependent on you. Think back to the time before kids, what did you used to do for fun? Is there a way you can incorporate that into your life now?
Maybe you used to wait tables or go out dancing in night clubs to pick up hotties. Notice the voice that comes in and says, “but I don’t want to do that now”. This naysayer voice will keep you stuck but don’t let it. Get general instead of specific.
Ask what about that activity was most enjoyable? If it was dancing you liked, there are many ways to do that now. Was it getting dressed up with your girlfriends or the excitement of a crowded place? Come join me in Mardi Gras! Did you love the unpredictability of a night out? Pick a day and drive to a new location. Instead of making plans, just allow the day to unfold, doing whatever you feel like doing in that moment.
Reconnecting to what used to be fun before kids, will make the empty nest sting less. Start now building a life that is more YOU focused, and less kid focused. Your teen will enjoy the reduced pressure your attention on him sometimes offer. He will enjoy seeing you try new things, grow in new, uncomfortable directions, just like he is. You can share embarrassing stories of putting yourself out there only to get rejected. Role modeling instead of lecturing is much more powerful.
Rediscover the part of you that parenting buried so you can diversify your joy. When parenting isn’t the main source of joy and purpose, it makes it easier to let go and trust your kid to come to you if he needs help.
Supermom Power Boost - Listen to your gut
We cannot prevent our kids from negative emotions, or negative experiences, nor should we. But we can help them learn to trust their gut. “Listening to your intuition” “The still voice in your head” are very abstract terms for our literal kiddos.
To make it more concrete, point out what you see and hear. “I notice you laugh more when Dante is around.” “Whenever you sleepover at Reece’s house, you seem extra cranky the next day.” “You have the same complaint about basketball every year.” “I see you light up when you are at drama practice.” Our brains can talk us into anything but our bodies show the truth. Pointing out what we see can help our kids cut through the mental clutter and know the truth.
When they do come to you with advice asking, "What should I do about so and so?" Ask them questions in return. What do you like about it? What is your gut telling you? “What do you know to be true about you?” can help your child tune into their intuition and instinctual intelligence.
Quote of the Day: “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but won’t get you anywhere.” Erma Bombeck
Tuesday Jan 31, 2023
Am I tired because my hormones are out of whack?
Tuesday Jan 31, 2023
Tuesday Jan 31, 2023
Episode #143 - Are My Hormones Out of Whack? Understanding Fatigue with Functional Medicine
When clients get on a coaching call with me, sometimes they start the conversation with "I don't know if it's just my hormones but I've been super tired and cranky lately."
If are tired of feeling tired, and aren't sure if life coaching or health coaching is right for you, today's podcast is a great place to start.
Today I interview Heidi Toy from www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com
Heidi Toy is a certified functional nutritional therapist (FNTP), certified functional medicine practitioner (CFMP), and owner of Heidi Toy Functional Medicine. After her own health crisis, she left her career as a senior product manager to gain her functional medicine certification through the Nutritional Therapy Association in 2013 and then went on to be mentored and trained by Dr. Dan Kalish at the Kalish Institute for Functional Medicine and Dr. Kharrazian at the Kharrazian Institute. She’s helped over 1600 people heal from their health concerns and find more energy by bringing the body systems into balance.
You can get her free “Take Back My Energy Quick Guide” or learn more about her practice by visiting her website www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com.
Heidi and I talk about the root cause of fatigue falling into 3 categories:
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Emotional Stress
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Dietary Stress
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Hidden Pain/Inflammation
Heidi and Torie will answer these questions and more:
Everyone is tired. Why is it something to even address beyond a cup of coffee each morning?
What’s the real reason people are tired all the time?
How do you address the root causes?
How do you actually heal from them?
Follow Heidi Toy Functional Medicine on Facebook and Instagram.
Sign up for her Take Back My Energy Workbook at www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com.
Monday Jan 16, 2023
The right way and wrong way to do a vision board
Monday Jan 16, 2023
Monday Jan 16, 2023
Episode #142 Is there a RIGHT and WRONG way to do a vision board?
I have been doing vision board workshops for so long that it feels like there is.
My next workshop is coming up on Saturday, January 21st and you are ALL invited to join me on Zoom but it's especially valuable for those who find themselves:
- On the precipice of something new. You feel dissatisfied, fed up, annoyed or tired. You yearn for a change but you aren't sure what it is.
- You don't want to be a bystander in your life. You want to intentionally create something new. Maybe it's a deeper connection with your spirit, a new career, a new home environment, a new relationship with your kids, your body, your husband, anyone.
- Changes are happening around you that you aren't happy about. You need a way to navigate through these changes that gives you peace and clarity.
A vision board (DONE RIGHT!) is your own internal GPS that comes from YOUR higher self, to guide you into your future.
But is there a RIGHT and WRONG way to do a vision board?
A better way to say it is that there is a RIGHT and a LEFT way to do a vision board.
The LEFT way is to think about your future from your left hemisphere of your brain. The left hemisphere is logical, it remembers the past and plans for the future. It's very aware of what I SHOULD want to create.
My LEFT brain looks in the mirror and tells me "I'm looking old and should probably invest in some anti-aging skin care routines."
My LEFT brain is aware of what others are doing and thinks, "I should have a regular fitness routine and stop eating bread and sugar."
My LEFT brain says "A good mom would have a relationship with her kids and husband that looks like _________."
If I was to cut out photos from this left brain, I would have a vision board filled with "shoulds". Imagery that comes from lack, of "I'm not good enough as I am, therefore I will change these things and then I will be better." The left brain can also create vision boards that represent "things I want that I don't currently have". We look at these pictures and we get sad or frustrated at the ABSENCE of them in our lives.
Lack does not put us in an emotional energy state to manifest our desires. It only makes us more aware of what we DON'T already have. When our desires don't manifest, we feel frustrated or like failures. This energy only pushes us FURTHER from what we want.
Creating a vision board from our RIGHT brain connects us with our higher, more intuitive self. We leave behind the judgmental left brain and spend time with our creative right brain. Using emotions, imagery, and intuition, we connect to our higher self who knows what is right for us.
A life coach cannot tell you what is right or wrong for you and your life. Only your higher self knows. So my job is to connect you to your higher self so you know what you really, really want, and then help you overcome the obstacles that your left brain puts in your path.
We will do all of these things in the workshop.
- Get you clear on what you want. What is your higher self guiding you to next?
- Identify the obstacles that will get in your way and make a plan to overcome them. get into alignment with your dreams
- Create small action steps, aligned with your higher self, to build momentum towards creating your best life.
You can go to www.lifecoachingforparents.com/online-vision-board-workshop to sign up. Price goes up after the 16th of January.
When you create from this intuitive, higher RIGHT brain, things feel effortless. This is where weird coincidences come in that you didn't expect. Work feels easy, like the road rises up to greet you. You feel like the Universe has your back and you begin to trust that things aren't happening TO YOU, they are happening FOR YOU.
I hadn't really experienced the magic of vision boards until we bought our lake house in 2020. Before that I was skeptical but optimistic. The way that all went down with so much ease and coincidence, really blew my mind. I could look back and see how I had taken all the steps to make this dream come true, but not from my conscious thinking brain.
At the end of 2022, when I took my vision board out to review, I was blown away. Usually my vision boards have pictures of cute bathrooms, organized bookshelves, backyard patios (I'm an HGTV girl!). My vision board from this time last year had none of this. Every picture was outside, dwellings were very minimal, just a floor and a hammock with a big view of nature. I was curious about this but I didn't know what it meant. (My left brain told me I was probably just craving outside time because it was winter).
But in September of this year, my husband and I decided to sell our primary residence so we can travel and work abroad. Packing up the house we raised our kids in is no easy feat. It took me a long time to make the decision. My parents still live in the house I grew up in so it feels like I'm doing something wrong. My daughter is not happy and does not want us to sell. Every time I have a pleasant conversation with a neighbor I get sad about leaving such a wonderful neighborhood.
However, yesterday morning I got up and the first thing I wanted to do was to find garbage. I was EXCITED to THROW STUFF AWAY! I had arranged an extra pickup with the garbage company and they said I could put out 12 bags and I still had room left. To be full of energy at 7:30 am to collect garbage is NOT MY NORMAL. That's how I know I am aligned with universal energy.
I don't have to muster up the energy to declutter, I WANT to declutter. I still get overwhelmed with the disorganization and the ridiculously long to-do list, but I take breaks and rest my back, and then I'm excited to get back to it.
Last January, I had no idea this is what I'd be doing in 2022. But my higher self was guiding me towards the great outdoors, towards freedom, and towards a wild new adventure.
Who knows which country or beautiful place I'll be coaching my clients from? but I'm excited to do my vision board and find out what is calling me in 2023.
So this Saturday, January 21st, join me for this online vision board retreat. Find a cozy place to snuggle in with magazines, scissors, paper and glue. Tell your family you signed up for an online class and you aren't to be disturbed (or invite your family to join you!). Get the early bird discount by signing up today www.lifecoachingforparents.com/online-vision-board-workshop.
Questions:
I can't come on the 21st but I'm interested. Will there be a recording?
yes, I will send you the recording link and you can do it with your friends, family, or when it's convenient for you.
3 hours seems like a long time, what will we do?
It will go fast! There will be bathroom breaks, quiet time, it will feel like a retreat.
What if I'm in a dark place?
Give it a try. Nothing can raise a vibration like being around other positive people.
What if I know what I want but I can't have it?
Go broad. Instead of focusing on specifics, go more general.
Thursday Jan 05, 2023
Ungrateful after Christmas Kid
Thursday Jan 05, 2023
Thursday Jan 05, 2023
?most? Why is my kid so ungrateful after Christmas?
Question of the Day:
Dear Torie,
I should have seen it coming.
The hype and high expectations for Christmas to be “the most wonderful time of the year” seems to cause my child to melt down after all the gifts have been opened.
I’m seeing the pattern now after the last few birthdays and Christmasses. Something minor will trigger her (and it could be ANYTHING!) and she’ll end up in tears.
What really sets me off is that she sounds so ungrateful!
All the time, effort, money and energy that I put into giving her a magical Christmas feels wasted. When she’s crying and yelling about not getting the exact COLOR of the gift she wanted, she sounds so bratty and entitled. I just want to scream right back and not give her anything next year so she can be grateful for what she does get.
But of course, a year later, I’m back to spoiling her and trying to make her happy.
How can I make my child appreciate what she receives, remember it’s the thought that counts, and focus on the spirit of giving, not the actual gift?
So far, her younger sister does not copy her behavior and I want to figure this out before she does.
What’s the best way to handle this ungrateful behavior and prevent future meltdowns?
Emily
Parent Educator Answer:
What goes up, must come down.
It is not unusual for the anticipation and excitement of holidays and birthdays to cause a “crash” when things die down.
With all the hype from Christmas movies, Santa stories, and family traditions setting expectations high, it’s only natural for there to be disappointment afterward.
Top 3 reasons why kids melt down after a holiday:
1. The reality doesn’t measure up to their high expectations causing disappointment.
2. There are a lot of emotions around the holidays and crying is a healthy release for them. Crying and yelling have a negative connotation but it’s actually a way to discharge emotional distress and bring kids back to normal.
3. They are out of their routine. Some kids are especially sensitive to disruptions in routine, even for fun and exciting reasons. Traveling, staying up late, having family visit, eating different food, can make kids extra cranky and prone to meltdowns.
The best way to prepare for future meltdowns is to normalize it. How many Christmas movies have you watched where kids are throwing tantrums and crying? Not many. We think this is abnormal and inappropriate behavior, but is it?
Watch and see if your kids look for things to be upset about. Maybe they overreact to a stubbed toe or a sibling slight, just as an excuse to discharge the pent up emotions of the day?
You can also help your kids by maintaining a similar routine during the holidays and preparing them for disappointment.
Having words to put onto overwhelming feelings can really help your kids manage their emotions. Print out a page of emoji’s or ‘feeling faces’ and post it on the fridge. Everyday, identify how you feel: enthusiastic, disappointed, irritable, because when you can name it, you can tame it.
Use emotional times to help expand your kids’ emotional vocabulary.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from normalizing holiday meltdowns and preparing our kids for disappointment?
Our interpretation of their “ungrateful” behavior.
When we view our kids as being “ungrateful” or “entitled” we get enraged. It fires us up and makes us angry. We want to withdraw our kid’s privileges (which may not be a problem) but we also withdraw our kindness and our compassion (which can be a problem).
You can decide to give kids fewer gifts next year from a place of love, not anger.
You can teach kids how to appreciate gift giving and receiving with kindness, not frustration.
Viewing our children’s behavior as “ungrateful” is just our perception, and it’s an interpretation that does not help us parent in a way we are proud of.
Instead, think of their behavior as a result of emotional overwhelm. None of us are at our best when we are tired, cranky, and ate too much sugar. Think of all the adults having temper tantrums in airports this holiday season!
When your kid complains about their gifts not being perfect, just remind yourself that it’s not about the gifts. It’s a simple case of what goes up, must come down.
One of the best ways to help them cope with holiday hype, is to get them involved in the process. As you may have noticed, when you are responsible for ‘making magic’, it doesn’t feel so magical, it feels like hard work. Invite your child to get involved in the GIVING to take the focus off receiving. Bake cookies for the neighbors, make an ornament for teacher, move the elf on the shelf for little sister, wrap a present for grandma. She might still meltdown on Christmas but she will understand and appreciate the effort that goes into giving, bringing the holiday, and her expectations, back down to earth.
Supermom Kryptonite: Using New Year’s Resolution to “fix what’s broken”
When we see ourselves as problems to be fixed, and we set New Year’s Resolutions from that mindset, we set ourselves up for failure.
We love the perfectionistic fantasy that 2023 will turn us into a completely different person. It gives us a little dopamine high to imagine we can leave all our imperfections behind in 2022 and suddenly become a disciplined, energetic, patient, plant-based, exercise-loving, self-prioritizing enthusiast.
As fun as this fantasy is, it is today’s kryptonite because three weeks from now, when you are back to your old self, you’ve piled another “failure” onto your psyche.
DO NOT MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FROM NOT ENOUGHNESS.
You are not a problem to be fixed. You are a wonderful, amazing person who loves to grow and expand in beautiful new directions!
Before you make any resolutions, look back at 2022 and write down 20 things that are wonderful about you.
What did you love the most
Where did you feel most alive?
What are you most proud of? What did you work hardest to achieve?
Which experiences did you create for your family that went really well?
Are there routines and traditions did you maintain?
Where did you break from expectations that worked for you?
Who is someone that really valued your presence in their life?
Who were you really grateful to have with you last year?
DO NOT SET A GOAL UNTIL YOU ARE MARINATING IN YOUR OWN AWESOMESAUCE.
Choose which area to expand from believing you are already good enough as you are.
Supermom Power Boost - Set the intention to “BE MORE ME in 2023”
Many Supermoms think energy is static. Either you are a high energy person, or a low energy person. You have it in the morning and it’s drained by evening.
But energy is something you can CREATE. If you feel low on energy, and want more, you can GENERATE more energy!
One of the best ways I’ve found to generate energy is by creating a vision board. This isn’t just a visual representation of your goals. There is a certain technique I’ve perfected over the years that cuts through the mental clutter and connects us with our higher self.
We are socialized to think we should all want the same things: Skinny, fit bodies. Lots of money. Nicely organized houses. Enriching activities for the kids. Relaxing vacations.
Our culture tells us what we should want, but it’s our HIGHER SELF that knows what is really right for us. Learning how to listen to this still small voice is the key to creating a truly enriching and meaningful life.
Sign up today for the online vision board party on Saturday, January 21st from 9-12pm PT / 12-3pm ET.
The first hour we’ll talk about how to tell the difference between the socialized brain telling you what you “should” want, and the intuitive brain, guiding you in a direction right for YOU.
The second hour, we’ll be looking through magazine photos, listening to our higher selves, and creating a physical vision for what we want in 2023.
The third hour, we’ll use the messages from our higher self to set specific goals. How do we take our knowledge and vision, overcome our fears, to bring in “MORE OF ME IN 2023”.
Go to www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/vision-board
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Tuesday Dec 13, 2022
How to help my homesick college freshman
Tuesday Dec 13, 2022
Tuesday Dec 13, 2022
Homesick College Freshman
Episode #140 My College Freshman Wants to Move Back Home.
How do I help him?
Question of the Day:
Dear Torie
My son is a freshman in college, living in the dorms and struggling as many do. He’s a few states away but has been home twice already to visit. Classes and roommates are fine, it’s just harder than he thought it was going to be to make friends.
He’s an introvert by nature so initiating social interactions is far outside his comfort zone. He feels like a fish out of water. He misses his home, his mom’s cooking, his dogs, and is talking about moving back to go to our local community college.
His Dad is encouraging to join clubs and get more involved which I’m sure would help but it’s just so hard for him. Part of me wants to open my arms and welcome him back home, but the other part of me knows this is a huge learning experience and I don’t want him to miss out on this growth opportunity.
Is it better to encourage him to stick it out, or let him know he can always come back? How do I help my homesick college freshman?
Davina
[caption id="attachment_7109" align="aligncenter" width="596"] Homesick College Freshman[/caption]
Parent Educator Answer:
You sound like a very loving and caring momma which is exactly what your son needs at this stage of life. The good news is, you don’t really need to choose one or the other. You can encourage him to stick it out, AND let him know he can come back if he chooses to. The best thing you can do is listen and be a sounding board for him as he works through this challenging time.
Going away to college is a HUGE transition in a person’s life. The independence, the lack of structure, the new people, the way one eats, sharing a room with strangers, it’s OVERWHELMING! Teens are usually coming from a very busy, jam packed high school schedule, where they have very little say. Then suddenly their schedule has a lot of down time and no one is going to fill it for them.
We all go through big transitions in our lives but going from a kid to an adult, living on a college campus with all these changes to navigate, is one of the top 5 big ones.
Think back into your child’s past. How have they handled transitions when they were younger? Did they embrace novelty? Did they resist until it happened and then settled in? When they’ve traveled or went to sleepaway camp, did they have a tough time adjusting to a new routine? Or did they come home because they couldn’t adjust?
My daughter was a nightmare when we took her to Australia as a toddler. She hated everything being new and different, complained everyday until we were flying back home when she sweetly commented, “That was fun, when are we going back?”
Your child has a history of how he handled previous transitions. Look for a pattern and share it with him. Maybe he can pull from past experiences to gain wisdom for handling today’s challenge.
Think of your child as a caterpillar. As he goes through school, he grows bigger and bigger, until you’ve got an 18 year old fully grown caterpillar.
Then college comes. Most kids don’t immediately grow wings and become a butterfly in the first week. Usually they go through this weird phase of “Who am I now?” I’m still the same person but I live in a different place with different people. I have more responsibilities and more independence but I don’t feel like I’ve got my act together. It’s this uncomfortable phase of not being a caterpillar, but also not being a butterfly. This liminal phase of life feels really awkward so it’s really common for kids to want to bail and come back home to where they were last comfortable.
The kids who get through the liminal phase the fastest are the ones who are socially outgoing, feel confident joining groups and meeting strangers. But this requires tremendous courage when it’s not in your nature. It’s hard to be brave and socially confident when you feel like a fish out of water.
Most college freshman say something like this:
“I’m pretty sure everyone else is doing it right and I am doing it wrong.”
“Everyone else is going to parties but no one is inviting me.”
“Everyone else is making connections and having fun so there must be something wrong with me.”
It reminds me of a statistic from researcher Dr. Joanne Deak who found that 86% of all middle schoolers feel socially on the outside. If the majority of people are on the out, who’s in? That’s a pretty big group of social misfits. And of course seeing Instagram photos of people having fun makes it easy to believe you are alone in your aloneness.
The key is to let your son know that feeling awkward MEANS he’s doing it right. It’s ok to not know, to feel lost, scared, overwhelmed and confused. He’s not a caterpillar, and he’s not a butterfly yet either. He’s just goo, looking for a chrysalis to help him feel safe.
It is normal to want to go back to the last place he felt grounded and comfortable. But moving home is still going to feel awkward. His high school friends will have moved on. He won’t have the same routine he had. Things have changed. The forming butterfly can’t go back to being a caterpillar.
Part of becoming that butterfly is learning to make big decisions about your life. Parents can listen, encourage, and be supportive to whatever he decides is right for him. There are many paths to success and there is no one right way to maneuver through this stage of life. Some kids need to spend a little longer in the chrysalis before they are ready to break free.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from being supportive, encouraging and NEUTRAL in our opinions?
We think we know what’s best for our kids….and a lot of the time we are right.
BUT
Our kids aren’t supposed to go through life without hiccups, detours and rocky roads! They NEED to make mistakes so they can learn from first hand experience.
When a butterfly is fully formed it starts pushing and struggling to break free from the chrysalis. If a human comes along to try and help the butterfly break free, the butterfly dies. The struggle is key to the butterfly’s success. It’s through the pushing and the effort that the butterfly develops the strength it needs to fly.
When we try to “rescue” our kids from struggle or arrange their lives so they only experience positive emotions, we rob them of developing the strength and grit they need to overcome future challenges.
What gets in our way from supportive listening? Difficulty watching our children struggle.
There are 2 ways we TRY to help that don’t usually work:
- We feel bad for them and with them. This can make them feel better but it makes us feel worse! We hang up the phone agonizing about how miserable our child is, suffering until we talk to them again, only to discover they felt fine the whole time.
- We tell them what to do to feel better. This makes us feel better because we think we have the solution to their problem, but it makes them feel worse because this is THEIR problem to solve and their struggle is serving a purpose. When we tell them what to do, they feel less capable and don’t learn the lesson that the struggle is their to teach.
Watching a child struggle, without the parent struggling alongside, is something I work on a lot with my clients (and myself!) but it is possible. It’s reminding yourself that this is THEIR journey and they are learning things through this experience that you could never teach them.
It’s showing your child that you have faith in THEIR ability to solve their own problems.
You will offer your opinion if it’s asked, but trust them to figure things out in a way that is right for them.
Supermom Kryptonite: High Speed Living
When everyone around us is rushing, it feels like rushing is the thing to do. Our friend talks fast, we talk fast back. We multitask: we schedule appointments at red lights, we shop online while waiting for our kid’s music recital to begin, we eat in the car, we talk while we walk, we are a culture that worships being busy. It feels normal because everyone around us is doing it but it drains our energy.
Sure we get a surge of adrenaline from moving fast and being busy, but it’s like too much caffeine, eventually burn out, hit a wall, and crash.
If you move through your day like a chicken with it’s head cut off, find some other animals whose energy you would like to channel.
Make time to be more like a fish, swimming from thing to thing with graceful ease.
Try being an owl, observing your life from above, making wise choices and being deliberate with your intention.
When can you turn on sloth mode and move slowly? Try talking slower, moving your body slower, breathing slower, you will be amazed at how relaxed you feel.
Supermom Power Boost: Holiday Crazies Challenge
I was talking with a client and she said “I wish moms had a class dojo app like my kids do where we get points just for showing up, being on time, and getting our work done.” and it reminded me, I HAVE THAT! It’s called The Holiday Crazies Supermom Challenge. It’s just for this time of year. You earn points for doing all the extra things that show up every December, but you earn EVEN MORE points when you DON’T do all the things!
If you muster up the energy and creativity to do Elf on The Shelf, you get 20 points. When you bail on the Elf after 2 days, you get 50 points! Give a gift to a teacher, 10 points for you! If you bought a gift for yourself, go ahead and take 50 points!
[caption id="attachment_13838" align="aligncenter" width="737"] Homesick College Freshman[/caption]
Don’t wait for your family to show appreciation for your hard work, appreciate yourself now by joining the Holiday Crazies Supermom Challenge inside the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group.
You deserve some credit for all you do to make this time of year special.
Quote of the Day: Strength and growth only come through continuous effort and struggle. Napoleon Hill
Tuesday Nov 29, 2022
How Less Stuff Makes Us Happier
Tuesday Nov 29, 2022
Tuesday Nov 29, 2022
How Less Stuff Makes Us Happier
Interview with Krista Lockwood, founder of Motherhood Simplified
With the frenzie of Black Friday shopping behind us, but more consuming ahead of us, now is the perfect time to hear from Krista Lockwood. Krista is a mom of 5 who teaches other moms how to de-clutter without becoming a full blown minimalist.
Krista stumbled accidentally into living a life without clutter when she moved from Alaska to Florida with her four children. While living in a nearly empty home, she noticed how much more energy and free time she had, without all the stuff.
Instead of always feeling like she needed to escape her busy working mom life, suddenly she felt relaxed. She felt less stimulated and more able enjoy quality time with her kids. She learned to set clear boundaries with bringing new stuff into her home, which helped her set boundaries in other areas as well. The less STUFF she had, the fewer decisions there were to make. Cleaning up became a breeze.
Krista had more time to spend on quality experiences with herself, her husband and her children. She made it her mission to help other moms discover the benefits that de-cluttering and simplifying can give.
This was an inspiring conversation that I'm sure you will enjoy as much as I did.
Krista's Supermom Kryptonite: The story you tell yourself about your clutter.
When you make your mess mean something negative about yourself like, "I'm lazy, disorganized, failing, and don't have my act together" it prevents you from taking action. Learn to detach from these stories and you will have more energy to make changes. You aren't too messy or lazy, you are simply a good mom with too much stuff to manage.
Supermom Power Boost: The night stand.
When you have a clutter filled night stand, it's like looking at your to-do list before going to sleep at night, the time of day when you want to wind down. Make sure your side of the bed is relaxing and soothing to set the stage for a great start and end to your day.
You can use this link to join Krista's Motherhood Simplified Facebook Group
https://motherhoodsimplified.com/cyc-feature - a free decluttering tool kit