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You love being a mom but get overwhelmed, lost and resentful by all the parenting responsibilities. Listen as life coach, teacher and parent educator, Torie Henderson, answers common parenting dilemmas from hard working Supermoms. Are you exhausted from working hard all day but still feel like you haven’t accomplished anything? Do you want to feel calm, energized and in control? Then this podcast is for you.
Episodes
Tuesday Nov 15, 2022
Taming the Holiday Crazies
Tuesday Nov 15, 2022
Tuesday Nov 15, 2022
Episode #38 - Taming the Holiday Crazies
Are the feasts and festivities of the holiday season guaranteed to drive you bonkers?
When your to-do list triples this time of year, does your stress level triple along with it?
Don't let the holiday hassles weigh you down. Listen to this fantastic episode to learn how to tame the holiday crazies, before they begin.
Listen in as recovering "holiday stress monsters" Torie and LeAnn discuss the recipe for overwhelming holidays and how to tame thee brain to ENJOY this time of year.
If you expect your feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm and resentment to creep even higher in the next 7 weeks, then this podcast is for you.
Life Coach LeAnn Kovar will talk about a special mini-program she is offering for moms bracing themselves for the winter wackyness.
You can learn more about Holidays On Your Terms at LeAnnKovar.com
Tuesday Nov 01, 2022
Living with Constant Criticism
Tuesday Nov 01, 2022
Tuesday Nov 01, 2022
Episode #137 - Living with a teen who is constantly criticizing me.
Question(s) of the Day:
Dear Torie,
I understand it’s normal for teenagers to think they know everything and that their parents are old fashioned and out of touch with reality, but living with constant criticism is something I didn’t sign up for.No matter what I do, my teenager has something negative to say about it. If I use the wrong pronoun for his friend, I’m lectured about how he is a THEY. I get scolded if I make hamburgers for dinner because cows are the second biggest producers of carbon emissions. It’s not like I’m condemning his values, I’m doing my best to be open minded and stay up to speed with social changes, but I can’t buy a new pair of jeans without being reminded about the devastating effects fast fashion is having on the planet.
Do you have any suggestions for surviving the next few years with a "woke" kid who makes me feel like everything I do is wrong? I have tried to explain that criticizing is not the way to effect change but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
Julie
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Dear Torie,
My daughter is a delightful human, as far as teenagers go, but she is constantly scrutinizing, and criticizing, my appearance. She complains about my clothing choices, my lack of makeup, and my wrinkles. She wants me to style my long hair with a middle part like hers, and carry a fanny pack diagonally across my body like she does.
Part of me thinks it’s sweet that she wants me to be on trend like she is, but the other part of me gets annoyed with the constant criticism of how I look. Why can’t she just appreciate me as I am?
Genevieve
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Parent Educator Answer: What to do with a teen who is constantly criticizing you?
Julie can offer her son some alternative comments like:
“May I offer you a greener alternative to buying your jeans at Old Navy?”
“My friend, Jordan, identifies as they/them.”
“Would you like to go thrifting with me this weekend?”
“Would you be willing to extend ‘meatless mondays’ to three days per week if I cook?”
Write these prompts on cards so he has them on hand. Right now, his way of influencing others makes people defensive. When he learns how to voice his values through polite questions and corrections, he has a better likelihood of impacting the social changes he would like to see in the world.
Your son is focused on all that you aren’t doing perfectly. What if you taught him to focus on the positive changes he sees you making. Have him brag about things he is doing that he is proud of. Whenever he points out your flaws, ask him about a positive change he has made lately. Tell him how much it inspires you when he eats vegan or shops at GoodWill. Point out all the ways his positive role modeling impacts others. Soon he will see that the best way to influence people is to be happy about the positive choices you are making.
For Genevieve’s daughter, she can offer alternatives like:
“Would you like me to try out some new makeup on you, Mom?”
“I think your hair looks cute with a middle part.”
“How about you put these boots on with that outfit?”
“Do you want to look cool by wearing this backpack instead of your old purse?”
When my kids were little, I couldn’t stand to see them with smudges on their faces. It was like this impulse came over me to wipe off the food or buggers or gunk and restore them to their beautiful selves. (I TRIED not to be the mom that licked her finger before cleaning off their face but I did it a couple of times at least).
I realized how much I enjoyed seeing my kids look beautifully put together. If their hair was wonky, it was a distraction. I would reach out to smooth it down. I found it hard to concentrate on what they were saying to me because I was focused on what I wanted to fix. I didn’t want to be like this, so I worked to override that critical brain, but I also started putting in more effort to my appearance when I visited my parents, just in case they felt the same way.
If your daughter is stuck in critically analyzing your appearance, ask her to give two compliments for every modification. Ask her to focus on what’s great about your personality, your ideas, your actions, to get her brain unstuck from what you look like. You can also ask her what her favorite outfit is or what makeup/hairstyle she’s been enjoying lately.
Fear and love exist in two different parts of the brain. You can teach your kids to shift out of their critical brain when you ask them to focus on what they love.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from being able to teach our kids alternative means of communication? Being constantly criticized!
When someone is constantly criticizing others for not “being or doing enough”, it is a sign that they have the same voice for themselves. When we criticize, we are in the fearful part of our brain.
I’m going to guess that Julie’s son is worried that he isn’t doing enough for the planet and he wants mom to do better, so he can feel better.
My hunch is that Genevieve’s daughter is worried about her own appearance, sees her mom as a reflection of her, and therefore wants to “fix” her mom so she can feel safe and relaxed.
It’s the same things parents do to their kids. We want our teens to do well in school so we can feel like successful parents. We ask our kids to be kind hearted and respectful of others, so we feel like we’ve done a good job raising them. We try to change our external world, so we can feel better on the inside.
We see our kids as a reflection of us, and it sounds like these teens see you as a reflection of them. But before we re-direct, we gotta connect.
We WANT to love our kids and ENJOY being around them, but it’s hard when they criticize our every move! Our brains naturally mirror the emotions of the people around us. When we see someone sad, we feel sad. When someone is relaxed and at peace, it’s easier for us to drop into a peaceful state.
When your child is critical, it’s really easy for parents to feel inadequate and criticize back. A natural response is to “criticize them for criticizing” but it doesn’t help us feel loving towards our kids.
I believe the first step in living with constant criticism is to find compassion and gratitude.
It sounds like Julie’s son is struggling with the daunting task of saving the planet. He has high empathy and high awareness. He knows what changes need to happen in a short period of time in order to prevent the mass extinction of the human race, but understands how limited his power is. This is a scary and powerless situation to be in so he’s trying to have an impact in the one area where he feels safe to express himself, at home with mom. Perhaps criticizing mom is helping him build the strength and courage he needs to spread his important message to others? When he criticizes you, and you still love him, it gives him confidence to speak his values to others, hoping to still be accepted and loved.
It could be that Genevieve’s daughter has picked up on the cultural messaging that how one looks really matters and is scared that she isn’t up to snuff. Our youth and beauty obsessed culture is a hard one to ignore and has done a lot of damage. But it’s also possible that your daughter’s passion and purpose is to beautify and prettify. People who have an eye for color, design, style and form are valuable. You can show your daughter that happiness and beauty do not go together. When she sees you happy and comfortable in your skin, no matter what you look like, you are helping her see that one can exist without the other. Redirect her desires to prettify by asking her help with home design, cake decorating, or holiday decor. Remind her that there are people out there who WANT her fashion and beauty advice and are willing to pay for it.
Even though you aren’t enjoying the way the message is being communicated, you can be grateful that your teens are open hearted and wanting their moms to learn about what is important to them, and the next generation. These teens don't want you to leave you in the dust like an out of touch, “Karen”.
Finding ways to think about your teen’s criticism that helps you feel compassionate and grateful, will help you TEACH him better ways to get his point across.
Supermom Kryptonite - Being told what to do
Nobody likes being told what to do. It’s an ineffective way to get someone to change behavior yet we do it all the time: “Eat your vegetables, clean your room, put away the ipad, take out the garbage.”
But one of our main jobs as parents is to get our kids to do stuff they don’t want to do! What is a helpful way to influence our children’s behavior?
Social researchers were trying to figure out how to get picky eaters to try new foods. They found some things like expose them to the new food 15 times and have them help prepare the food that’s being served.
The #1 most successful way to get picky kids (older than 5 years of age) to try new foods is to sit them next to a teenager who is happily eating this new food while ignoring the kid. When the same gender teenager happily devoured broccoli, while sitting next to the young kid and being watched, that child suddenly felt an innate desire to try broccoli for the first time.
Watching people happily enjoying something that you haven’t seen before is a powerful way to motivate people to try something new. Julie can use this research to convince her son that positive role modeling is a powerful way to influence others.
If you want your teen to positively express their values is a way that isn’t annoying, you can model that. Even with teenagers, imitation is the number one way children learn.
Power Boost - Trophy Recycling Service
I’ve picked up this new hobby, de-cluttering, and it has made me aware of how much easier it is to buy than give things away. Material goods are so cheap and easy to access, very few people are interested in taking on my clutter. I hate throwing things in landfills that could be repurposed but I’m not crafty enough to repurpose things myself.
This is why I was so pleased to find a trophy recycling service! Total Awards and Promotions in Wisconsin will repurpose your old trophies and donate rebuilt trophies to non-profits nationwide.
If your house is like mine and filled with old trophies that the kids don’t want anymore, you can ship up to 25 of them to Total Awards instead of cluttering the planet with them. I don’t mind contributing to an organization trying to do good for planet as well as donating awards to non-profits!
If you know other places that reuse and repurpose, please share that information in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group. Next up is my wedding gown and some barely worn track cleats and snow shoes.
Quote of the Day:
"The chief symptom of adolescence is a state of expectation, a tendency towards creative work, and a need for the strengthening of self-confidence. Suddenly, the child becomes very sensitive to the rudeness and humiliations which he had previously suffered with patient indifference."
Maria Montessori
Tuesday Oct 18, 2022
5 Ways to Have “THE TALK” with your kid….without making it awkward
Tuesday Oct 18, 2022
Tuesday Oct 18, 2022
Episode #136 Is puberty knocking on your door?
If so, then it's time for "THE TALK".
Most parents want to be the ones to educate their kids about puberty, sexuality, and growing up, but it's hard to know what to say, how to say it, and when is the right time!
If you have a 9-12 year old, then today's podcast is for you.
If you are interested in signing up for Time for The Talk, the sex education class designed for parents to take with their pre-teen, then act quickly.
I only offer Time for The Talk twice per year and the fall class starts on October 25th.
Sign up before October 20th to attend the Parent Preview and Pep-Talk.
[maxbutton id="1" url="www.timeforthetalk.com" text="CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE " ]
Tuesday Oct 04, 2022
Tolerating Rambunctious, High Energy Boys
Tuesday Oct 04, 2022
Tuesday Oct 04, 2022
Podcast Episode #135 - Remaining Calm Amongst Chaos
Question of the Day:
How can I increase my tolerance of my rambunctious boys and remain calm more of the time?
I have 3 high energy, loud, boisterous boys who are 3, 9 and 12. I have daily routines, a few clear rules and lots of sports and outdoor time for all of them. But their day to day antics drive me crazy. I can stay calm about 25% of the time, but after that I lose my cool and shout. I’m talking minor things like making constant noises with their mouths, talking loudly constantly, banging on things, burping, bickering constantly etc. I can handle a little bit of this behaviour but nowhere near what they put out. I wish for peace and quiet. I feel so guilty that I’m not role modeling emotional regulation because I lose my cool so often.
I should add that I have an 8yr old step son thrown into the mix every second week. My partner works away. But every second week that he’s home I have him and my step son to deal with also. Including my partner (haha) that makes for 5 boys to wrangle!
Please help!
Renee
Parent Educator Answer: Step into your calm, leadership energy.
When we feel overwhelmed, it’s really easy to want to run away and hide from the chaos, but it will run you ragged. When a parent avoids leadership energy, the kids can increase their antics. Kids need to know they aren’t the strongest person in the room so sometimes they will ramp up their crazy in order to get an adult to step in with authority.
This leadership energy comes from our posture, voice tone, eye contact, words and belief system. Rules, discipline and consequences will fall short if you don’t embody this leadership energy.
Because you mentioned the things that bother you most are noises, my suggestion is to implement a traffic light system in your house to teach your kids to regulate their chaos.
Red means near silence. This is used for bedtime, moments of reverence like saying grace before dinner, watching a movie or someone is on an important call and needs quiet.
Yellow means quiet talking. This can be used for homework time, winding down at the end of the day, visiting with Grandma and Grandpa, dinner time, etc.
Green means be your wild and crazy selves. Burp, fart, talk loudly, whatever you want. Giving your boys permission to be wild lets them know there is nothing wrong with being boys, you just don’t want to be around for it. Go walk the dog or put your noise canceling headset on, until it’s time to go back to yellow or red.
The way we teach kids to regulate is with contrast. When a 4 year old wants to run into the street and not wait for mom to catch up, we play “Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light.” Instead of making them follow our rules, we turn it into a fun game that they enjoy.
You will see “Freeze Dance” happening inside quality pre-school programs. Teaching kids how to go wild, loud and crazy, and then stop. It seems like just a fun game but it’s teaching kids to regulate their bodies and voices.
There is a time to be quiet, a time to be goofy, a time to be serious, a time to wild. You get to decide what works for you inside your home.
When we were kids, we played “House of Manners - House of Mess”. In “House of Manners” everyone spoke with a British accent and dabbed the corners of our mouths delicately with our neatly folded napkins. We used our fork and knife to cut our food into the tiniest portion and used the nicest words we could think of. Then someone would call out “House of Mess” and we’d start talking with our mouths full, blowing bubbles in our milk, eating with our hands. You can guess which one we enjoyed more!
The contrast is what teaches us what is polite and what isn’t. We waited until there were no adults around to play House of Mess because they ruined the fun of it.
You absolutely can teach your kids how to act inside your home, even if it’s innocent things like noise making and bickering. Just like they need to tone that down in a church, library or a place of business, they can learn to tone it down when mom is around. Many kids start experimenting with swearing, but they clean up their act when home with mom.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in your way from implementing a volume control system at home?
- Feeling overwhelmed. “I don’t want to deal with this” or “I don’t know what to do.”
- Setting rules without calm, leadership energy.
- Feeling disrespected. "They are disrespecting me."
- Feeling powerless. “Nothing I say matters” “They won’t listen to me” “I have no control”.
Let’s work our way backwards.
You want your house to have more peace and calm.
You decide that teaching your boys to adjust their volume when mom is around is a good plan. You implement a Red/Yellow/Green system to let the boys know what is expected of them. You make it playful and fun, but also serious, like you mean business. You provide reminders and consequences when they don’t respect your rules.
What emotion would you need to be in order to implement and follow through with this new system? Confident? Powerful? Determined?
Feeling powerless is not going to get you the results you want. You’ve got to find a thought that gives you a feeling of confidence, powerful, or determined.
Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t say “I’ve got this” if 90% of your brain is remembering all the times in the past when it didn’t work. But you can think something like...
“It’s ok to ask for what I want.” or
“I can teach my family how to treat me.” or
“This is an important skill I’m teaching my boys.” or
“I am up to the task.”
Even if you are noise sensitive, there are still thoughts about the noise that can make it easier or harder for you to deal with it. Choose the thought that will give you the result you want.
Supermom Kryptonite - Bickering Children and “I don’t want to deal with this.”
This seems like such an innocent thought. Of course you don’t want to deal with bickering children, who does? But when we think it, and we are standing in the room listening to it, it keeps us stuck.
If you have the thought, “I don’t want to deal” and you walk away, you are free.
If you are there, listening to the bickering, and thinking “I don’t want to deal” it’s like a bear trap just closed around your ankles. You want to leave but you don’t. You are stuck, imprisoned by your own psyche.
This feels terrible to our spirit. We are meant to be free. “I don’t want to deal” while staying put causes you unnecessary suffering.
Instead, put your brain and body in the same place. If you are in the room, be there fully. Tell yourself you DO want to deal with this issue because if you didn’t you would walk away.
Supermom Power Boost - Delete subscriptions on your phone
I don’t know if you will love this as much as I did, but I just figured out how to delete itunes subscriptions on my iphone. It was such a quick and easy way to clean out clutter, save money, and simplify my life.
Turns out I was paying a monthly and annual subscription fee for apps I didn’t remember purchasing. With one touch of a button, I deleted them and it gave me such a boost of energy I had to share it.
You just go to settings, click on your name at the top, click on the word subscriptions. See what you’ve got and delete the ones you don’t want!
Compared to canceling a gym subscription, or any other online subscription where they offer you discounts and you have to jump through hoops and many pleas to stay, this was so easy it made it fun!
Try canceling your subscriptions and see if it gives you as much simple pleasure as it gave me!
Quote of the Day:
“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything is broken and there is a lot of throwing up.” Ray Romano
Tuesday Sep 20, 2022
“I don’t have time to relax!” How go, go, go leads to chronic pain
Tuesday Sep 20, 2022
Tuesday Sep 20, 2022
Episode #134 Interview with Betsy Jensen
"I don't have time to relax."
"I'm exhausted but struggle to fall asleep"
"I wake up feeling anxious"
"I try to relax but it doesn't work."
"If I take a break more work will pile up later."
"I can't relax because I have too much to do."
If any of these sound like you, you are officially a Supermom, and you are probably getting pretty tired of burning the candle at both ends.
When moms spend a lot of time running from thing to thing, keeping busy, their nervous systems go into overdrive. If your nervous system spends too much time in fight or flight, you can develop stress related conditions: Auto-immune problems, skin rashes, vulvodoynia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and other digestive issues, back pain, TMJ, headaches.
Today I'm interviewing Betsy Jensen.
Betsy is a life coach helping people heal from chronic pain through nervous system regulation, and the latest neruroscience. As a former Physical Therapist, she has been working with people in pain for decades, but her own health struggles brought her to the mind-body approach. Now through coaching, she is helping people eliminate their chronic pain, instead of just managing it.
Her website is www.bodyandmindlifecoach.com and her podcast is Unstoppable Body and Mind
For clients she offers the Alignment Academy Membership Program https://betsy-jensen.mykajabi.com/alignment-academy-membership
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/bodyandmindlifecoach/
In the interview, we mention books by Dr. John E. Sarno, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Dr. Alan Gordon, and the Law of Attraction (for which there are many books but I'm referencing Abraham Hicks)
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Out-Revolutionary-Scientifically-Approach/dp/0593086856/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=alan+gordon&qid=1663217209&sr=8-1
Free Relaxation Challenge - Sept. 26 - 30th.
Want to feel more relaxed but hate meditating?
Join the Relaxation Challenge inside the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group!
Betsy and I will walk you through different ways to calm down the Central Nervous System so that you can start feeling better today.
Are you tired but wired? Do you want to play with your kids but struggle to do so? Is it hard to wind down at night without your glass of wine? Then this challenge is for you!
Mark your calendars for Sep. 26-30th. It's time to PRIORITIZE RELAXATION before it turns into chronic pain and stress induced illnesses.
This is too important to miss. Your to-do list can wait. This challenge will only take you 10 minutes a day.
Feel relaxed. Sleep better. Play and have fun with your kids. Enjoy more.
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Tuesday Sep 06, 2022
Embarrassed by my children’s appearance
Tuesday Sep 06, 2022
Tuesday Sep 06, 2022
Episode #133 Embarrassed by my children’s appearance
Question of the Day:
I’m glad this post is anonymous because I’m embarrassed to admit this but I want to get it off my chest and I think you will help me.
I’m embarrassed by my children. I look at moms posting photos on IG of their cute “mini-me” and mother-daughter BFF’s and I get jealous.
I have a 13 and 15 year old who I love to pieces but I’m having a hard time feeling at peace with their choices. I take pride in my appearance and think how we present ourselves goes a long way towards our success in life. When I was their age, I worked hard to fit in, to look nice and be accepted by my peers. I mean, research shows that good looking people are more likely to get hired, make money, and be promoted. Why wouldn’t someone want to look as good as possible?
My girls are beautiful, inside and out, but they don’t care about showing it. One identifies as non-binary and is experimenting with weird hair colors, piercings, and funky, gender neutral clothing. The other looks like she just rolled out of bed. She only wears oversized sweatpants and t-shirts, preferably used from thrift stores. Neither wears makeup, jewelry, or uses a curling iron.
I was looking forward to the day I would take my girls to get makeovers or go shopping for cute clothes. I WANT to love them unconditionally but my judgment of their appearance and disappointment in their priorities is blocking me. How do I love them unconditionally when they don’t value the same things I value? How do I support them and feel proud of them, when I’m stuck in disappointment and embarrassment?
Anonymous
Tuesday Aug 23, 2022
How to connect with a late talking child
Tuesday Aug 23, 2022
Tuesday Aug 23, 2022
Episode #132 - Help facilitate language in your stubborn child, in fun and playful ways.
Question of the Day:
From one mom to another I'm out of answers. My 7-year-old was easy - but my 4-year-old son.... no! He's talking less this year than last year. He ignores me, the dog and his older sister and would prefer to flick the lights on and off and use his I pad. He is intrigued by dinosaurs and whales. I watch him in his room twirling in a circle for no reason. He's very stubborn and if I need to break his activity to do something else he becomes so angry it frightens me. It's hard to find a babysitter (I do work). HELP.
Teddie
Parent Educator Answer:
When I received this question, I immediately emailed Teddie to lend support. I wanted to let her know she wasn't alone and there are people out there who could help her.
Here is my response:
Thanks so much for reaching out. I think this will be a great question to answer on my podcast but I would love to find an expert to bring in for an interview so it may take me a while.
I want to offer you this link to schedule a free coaching call. It's a chance for you to talk about your struggles to an unbiased, compassionate mom.
Life Coaching Answer:
For today's life coaching answer, I brought in an expert who has a different opinion than mine. She doesn't believe in going through evaluations and diagnoses. Marci Melzer is a speech therapist with a youtube channel called Waves of Communication teaching parents how to connect with their late talking child and build their language naturally, at home. She believes the parent/child connection will increase vocabulary and communication faster than schools and therapy.
More than one in 8 children is late to develop functional speech. After 30 years working in the speech therapy system, Marci Melzer, M.Ed./SLP realized that parents are in the best position to facilitate functional improvement in spoken language.
In 2017, Marci created her Waves of Communication.com platform to equip and empower parents and caregivers to facilitate spoken language naturally, with children of all ages, no matter what is causing the speech delay.
Since she started WOC, Marci has produced more than 500 videos on YouTube, created a range of online coaching programs, and authored 2 books, including a workbook that has been translated into Spanish and Hindi. Marci hosts live coaching and Q&A sessions every Thursday on the Waves of Communication YouTube channel to help parents ride the ups and downs of their lifelong language facilitation journey.
Tuesday Aug 09, 2022
How do you know you are doing enough as a mom?
Tuesday Aug 09, 2022
Tuesday Aug 09, 2022
Episode #131 How do you know you are doing enough as a mom?
I am overall very satisfied and fulfilled with my life but I wish I could be more patient and kind. I’ve had a lot of family time this summer, much of it wonderful, but I find myself getting snappy and irritable with the kids.
I want to be grateful for what I have but instead I get obsessive about getting the kids to act the way I want: use nice words, clean up after themselves, play outside instead of screens, eat healthy foods. I just want to know that I’m doing the right things for my kids.
It feels like I can’t rest until all my work is done. How do you know if you are doing enough as a mom when there is still work to be done?
Heidi
Parent Educator Answer: How do you know if you are doing enough as a mom?
- Are you taking responsibility for your own mental, emotional, physical, and financial health? Think about someone you know with a mom who doesn’t take good care of themselves. Notice what a burden it is on that child. The best thing you can do as a mom is to take excellent care of yourself so your child can be a child and not have to carry this additional burden of becoming an adult at a young age.
When kids take on adult responsibilities at a young age, they get rewarded by our culture. We see how capable they are and admire their successes. The problem is they develop a fear of relaxing and it is difficult to trust others to take care of them. Focusing on our own health allows your kid to be a kid.
- Are you still around? If you haven’t walked out the door never to return, then you are doing enough. Staying in the game, figuring things out, taking breaks and coming back shows your kids that you love and care for them. Never underestimate the power of BEING THERE. Ask anyone who was abandoned by their mom. Just you being there and doing an imperfect, lackluster job of mothering can show your children a realistic view of the role and help them decide who they want to be as a parent someday.
Julie’s mom abandoned her and her 2 siblings at a train station. Her mental health was teetering on the edge so she walked away and never came back. This creates a huge void in a child’s life with a lot of unanswered questions. It also made her determined to never do the same to her kids so when life got hard, she thought there were only 2 options: leave or stay. If she admitted she was tired and needed a break, it felt like abandonment. Her thinking was black and white, love or abandonment. Together we developed her ability to admit life was hard and it was ok to take breaks from the 24/7 demands of parenting.
- Are you trying your best? There’s a saying in Parent Education that those who take parenting classes and work with parent coaches, aren’t the ones who need to. Just by you TRYING: learning, growing, and seeking out additional resources demonstrates EFFORT. This is what we call a growth mindset and it is a wonderful thing to model for your children.
I remember teaching my girl scout troop to jump rope, not individually, but the big one where you run in, jump, turn around, and run out, while one person stands on each end turning the rope. Reece was cued up, ready for her turn to run into the ropes. She was watching the rhythm, gearing up her body to sync with the timing, she looked nervous and it was taking her a long time to go for it. Her mom was there watching her daughter’s hesitation and thought she would help by running into the ropes and showing her how to do it. “Look, Reece, it’s easy, just do it like this.” Reece’s mom did a seamless job of running in, jumping a few times and running out saying, “Now it’s your turn”. After watching this demonstration, Reece walked away and sat down, refusing to try for the rest of the day.
Perfect parenting is not the goal. When we do everything easily and beautifully, our kids develop a fixed mindset. “Mom’s good, I’m not.” “I’ll never be good at it so why try.”
Just by you staying in the game, trying your best, and taking care of YOURSELF as well as your kids, you are modeling imperfect, super adequate, good enough parenting.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from believing we are doing enough as a mom?
Here in the U.S. we live in a “blame the mom” culture.
Kid throwing a tantrum? Blame the mom.
Kid not doing his homework? Blame mom.
Overweight kid? Blame mom
Middle schooler with anxiety? Blame mom.
It is overwhelming and it seems like the only way to be a “good enough” mom is to have kids who act perfectly.
So we focus on getting them to act the way we want so we can feel confident in our parenting.
If they eat their vegetables and clear their plate, we feel calm and reassured that we are doing the right things.
When they play nicely with their siblings, we praise ourselves for raising such great kids.
Instead of focusing on our thoughts inside our heads, we focus on improving their behavior, believing that’s the only way to think nice thoughts about the job we are doing.
This is taking our ego and putting it into the hands of our children. Since children are still LEARNING, they are bound to make many mistakes. Putting our ability to feel like a good mom into the hands of our children is a surefire way to feel inadequate and powerless.
It’s time we stop looking at our children’s behavior to determine whether we are good parents.
Can you think of someone who turned out to be a functioning member of society, accomplished and kind, but whose parents were a hot mess? I can think of MANY people who did an amazing job of overcoming their upbringing to create a brilliant life for themselves.
Can you think of someone who you look at and think, “She is a really good mom, but their kid is kind of a hot mess?” It could be someone you know, someone you read about, or someone famous. It is absolutely possible to admire the way someone parents their kid, while also seeing a struggling child having a difficult time with life.
I remember one time I was
sitting at the dinner table waiting for my 14 year old son to join me for dinner. I had picked up prime rib from our favorite steakhouse since it was just the two of us. The rest of the family doesn’t eat red meat so it’s a treat.I’m waiting for my teenage dining companion to finish up his video game and join me.
and I’m waiting….
and I’m waiting….
We have an agreement with the video games. He plays with his friends online and it messes up their scores if he doesn’t complete the game.
I could care less about this, but I understand he doesn’t want to upset his friends. We’ve agreed that if I let him finish his games, he will come down before starting any new ones, check in with me, and hand in all technology by 9:00pm. This agreement evolved after lots of frustration and a few blow-ups on my part. Tonight, as I sit by myself watching this beautiful prime rib dinner get cold, my doubts creep in like a familiar shadow whispering, “You're not doing a good enough job as a Mom.”
As much self-coaching as I have done, this “not doing enough” voice has been a tough one to shake. The old me would have exploded in a rage-filled fit so that my son would feel as awful as I do. You see, I like to be right, so if I think I’m not a good enough Mom, I act like it.
For some funny reason, he has asked me to find a different way of coping with my frustrations and I have obliged. So instead, I sit there thinking, “How do I know if I’m a good mom?”
I think it is disrespectful to keep someone waiting and let the food get cold. It feels like my son is putting video games before his mother, who is just trying to feed him. These thoughts make me feel resentful, righteous, powerless. I don’t like feeling like a victim, so I explore other thoughts to interpret this situation.
If his food is cold, he’s the only one who suffers, letting him suffer natural consequences sounds like good parenting. It’s not like I’m missing out on inspiring dinner conversation, he’s a mumbling teenage boy who talks with his mouth full and wolfs dinner down in 5 minutes. This feels better, but it’s still not getting to the core issue.
What’s really bothering me is that I don’t know what a good mom would do. I can’t think of anything I want more in my life than to be a good mom, so it drives me crazy when I don’t have an answer. The reason I can’t find a good answer is because “How do I know if I’m good enough?” is not a good question.
There is no final parenting destination, no parenting report card, no judgmental “mother in the sky.” The good parenting/bad parenting dichotomy doesn’t exist. It’s a construct of a perfectionistic mind (probably implanted by advertising companies that tap into our insecurities so we’ll buy their products to feel like good enough moms).
So as I sit there, enjoying my delicious dinner, by myself, I choose to find something else to focus on. Instead of asking, “Am I good enough” I focus on Love.
I love that I have a great relationship with my teenage son.
I love that we can resolve conflicts with compromise and peace.
I love that I feed my son delicious food.
I love that I care so much about being a good Mom.
I love that he can connect with his friends without me having to drive him anywhere.
I love that he has people who share his love of games.
I love that I can enjoy this dinner with or without him.
I finished my dinner and left his full and beautiful plate on the table, letting it be his problem if it gets cold.
Ten minutes later I threw a screaming, crying fit. Not because my son never came down to eat. Not because I’m not a good enough Mom. But because my tiny 10 lb. dog climbed on top of the table and ate his entire 12oz prime rib.
I felt so much better after crying, screaming, and getting mad at the dog. Maybe it’s easier to let in the love after we’ve gotten rid of the yuck.
I love that I’m not the only one who gets exhausted trying to do everything right and good. I love that my son got to experience natural consequences without experiencing my inner turmoil. I love that other Moms get it and have my back. I love that life coaching helps me choose how I want to think, feel and act.
I love that I’m giving my dog the silent treatment and she doesn’t even know it.
Supermom Kryptonite - Asking a high quality question
I know this is what the whole blog is about but I couldn’t end without reiterating how toxic this question is, even though every person I’ve ever met has asked it. It could be triggered by many things: the number on the scale, the amount of money in the bank, the amount of vegetables our kids eat, what college our son attends, you name it, and we will use it as evidence to prove we are inadequate and unworthy of love and belonging.
Instead of asking yourself this toxic question, ask yourself something that feels good. Was I adequate today? Am I trying to learn and grow? What is my impatience trying to teach me? How can I be more relaxed while at home with my kids?
Heidi says she wants to be more patient and kind. The fact that she has this desire indicates that her nature is to be patient and kind. How about asking “What is blocking me from being patient and kind that needs my attention?” or “What can I do to let the yuck out so that I can access my gratitude?”
Everyone wakes up with a question in their mind. Make sure you are asking yourself a question that leads to a good answer.
Supermom Power Boost - How I feel is the most important thing.
Being a caring, sensitive, people-pleaser this statement felt sacrilegious. When I discovered this thought, I felt naughty and selfish, like I was breaking some sort of cultural rule. But the more I thought it through, the more accurate it seemed to be.
When I feel calm, I parent in a way I admire. When I feel content, everyone around me feels content, too. Emotions are contagious. Instead of trying to make my kids happy (which never lasted long), I could focus on my own happiness, something I actually had control over. Then my kids could enjoy the gift of a happy, fulfilled mom, while also enjoying a home filled with joy.
It’s not like I’m trying to be happy all the time. Sometimes I want to feel mad (like when my dog ate my son’s prime rib dinner). Sometimes I want to feel disappointed (like when I got COVID right before a trip).
But deciding that how I feel is the most important thing puts my focus on something I have control over that benefits everyone around me.
Quote of The Day:
“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect." Brene Brown
Tuesday Jul 26, 2022
Do I need boundaries for my nocturnal teen?
Tuesday Jul 26, 2022
Tuesday Jul 26, 2022
Boundaries for a teen who won't get a summer job and sleeps all day.
Episode #130
Question of the Day:
My college kid is home for the summer and I’m struggling to know what boundaries I should have in place. She’s 19, very responsible, but she sleeps until 1:00pm and stays out late with her friends. I love that she has a social life but this “no work and all play” doesn’t feel right.
I’m up at 7am working at my job to pay for her school, car, gas, and food—shouldn’t she be up working, too? It feels wrong. I expected her to work during the summer like I did, but the window for her to get a summer job is closing. She doesn’t seem motivated to work and says her friends can stay out as late as they want and none of them have jobs.
Do I give her a curfew? Make her stay home? Make her apply for jobs? When I was her age, I worked multiple jobs and loved it, but all my friends worked, too. Can you give me clarity on how to handle this unexpected situation?
Mary
Parent Educator Answer:
Let’s start with getting clarity on the issues that are bugging you.
- Her nocturnal schedule.
- Not knowing what rules to enforce.
- Her "all play, no work" summer lifestyle.
I have a hunch that if your daughter was out late because she worked a night shift, it wouldn’t bother you that she was sleeping until 1:00pm. The reason her nocturnal schedule bugs you is because it’s symbolic of a lifestyle that is not aligned with your values. So for today’s Parent Educator answer, let’s focus on the difference between rules, boundaries, expectations, and values.
Boundaries are personal decisions you make inside your own head to protect yourself. It’s a line we draw in the sand to feel safe. Nobody else needs to respect our boundaries, that’s our job. They are here so we can have our own backs and be the people we want to be.
For example: I have a boundary with myself that if I start worrying about my children, I will not indulge my anxiety and “go psycho.” I will not call 911, call their friends, or follow them around town stalking them. I will look up their location on my iphone or text them and calmly ask that they check in. I will breathe, write in my journal, coach myself, and trust that all is well. Having a game plan keeps me from embarrassing myself and putting my anxieties onto my kids.
Another example: I have a boundary around people yelling at me. I don’t like it. If anyone, family member or stranger, communicates by yelling, I will ask them to calm down or I will walk away. I feel safe because I trust myself to take either action 100% of the time.
Boundaries are personal. You can tell people what your boundaries are, but it’s up to you to uphold, educate and enforce them.
Rules are established by an authority figure and/or agreed upon by a group. They can be written or unwritten.
Kids like rules (as long as there aren’t too many of them) because they like to know what’s expected of them and they like to have their parent’s approval. When you make up a rule, like “no cell phones at the dinner table”, your kids know what to expect and they know how to please you. This only works, of course, if there are consequences when the rule is broken. If your kid is on their phone at the dinner table and you don’t say anything, they are going to learn that you don’t mean what you say and rules are not to be followed.
Kids like to be able to blame their parents’ rules if they feel like they are getting into a situation they aren’t ready for. Being clear about your rules is a gift to your children. Instead of having to look “uncool” in front of friends, kids can blame parent’s rules like: “My Dad said if he finds me vaping, he’ll take my phone away.” or “I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend until I’m 16.” You might not hold too tightly to these rules and be open to negotiation but kids usually like having them in place.
Parents might even notice kids making up rules that aren’t true like, “I have to get straight A’s or my dad will kill me.” His dad might not care at all about grades, but the student may be embarrassed to admit how much he cares about grades and is using Dad as an out.
In order for kids to respect your authority, it’s helpful to have 100% conviction and consistency with our rules.
This fear of having to be 100% consistent can prevent parents from creating rules because as adults, we understand the world is nuanced and situational. If we say, “You have to be home by 11pm or you’ll lose car privileges”, but then our kid gets invited to a fun event that ends at midnight, we feel torn between upholding our rule and bending with the specific situation.
It’s hard to be both consistent and flexible but it is the way the world works when you get to adulthood. You can uphold a rule while also making room for extenuating circumstances and special events.
Examples of rules Mary might like to implement are:
“Always keep your location turned on on your phone.”
“If you vape or smoke in my car, you will pay to have it professionally cleaned.”
“Be home by 1:00am every night or no more gas money.”
Keep rules short, clear, and easy to remember. Rules change and evolve as kids do so don’t hold on too tightly. As your child grows in wisdom and responsibility, it’s appropriate that you will have fewer rules for them.
Values are something that is important to you. Values change over time and differ from person to person. It’s ok for children to have different values than their parents.
For example: Mary has a value around hard work. She expects herself and her family to share the same values of work and contribution. She feels frustrated and confused because her expectation that her daughter would get a job this summer wasn’t met. It’s ok to keep her values but change her expectation to meet her current reality.
It’s the expectation that is causing her frustration.
To answer the question about what she should do, let’s take a look at what she has control over.
Moms cannot make children apply, interview, or accept job offers. We can offer our thoughts and feelings on the matter. We can talk about why we think it’s important. We can offer conditions like, “I’ll take you shopping after you’ve submitted 5 applications.” We can offer consequences like, “if you don’t work this summer, I won’t give you money for gas.”
Cars, cell phones, apartments, tuition, and food are areas most parents of 19 year olds still pay for and therefore have control over.
Let’s say you have a VALUE around hard work and contribution. Your daughter currently has a value around socializing with friends and enjoying her summer. These can co-exist. Yes, it’s a little late to be looking for a summer job, but she could start looking for an on-campus job for the next school year. There are other ways she can contribute that don’t look like the traditional summer job.
-She can help you clean and declutter the attic.
-She can teach grandparents or elderly neighbors to use technology.
-She can do yard work or babysit for friends that need help.
-She can sell stuff on LetGo, eBay, or Facebook Marketplace.
-She can take over cooking dinner for the family.
-She can plan the family vacation, take the car in for maintenance, or re-paint the bathroom.
If you widen out your perspective, align with your values, and stay focused on things you have control over, you can have your expectations met.
Renegotiating some family rules would be a good thing to do now, too. Nobody needed curfews during COVID lockdowns but now it sounds like having a curfew could give you both peace of mind. If not a traditional curfew, it could be a nightly check in. You could make a rule saying if you are going to be out late, please text before 11pm letting me know where you are, who you are with, and when you expect to be home.
Your daughter may appreciate knowing what your expectations are and how to make you happy, and you would feel more in control of an unexpected situation.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from setting and enforcing rules? Fear of how our kids will react.
We worry our kids are going to rebel, lie to us, feel mad or stifled in a way that ruins our relationship with them. We want to enjoy our adult kids and respect their growing independence. We understand their need to individuate and worry that making rules will mess up our bond.
I think this idea comes from the times we make unrealistic rules out of anger that are impossible to uphold. After seeing a bad grade on a report card, a mom might yell, “No more cell phones!” only to cave in a few days later.
When we make these off-the-cuff rules from an angry, disempowered state we learn to associate rules with harsh, authoritative parenting.
Making and enforcing rules is best when done from calm leadership energy. When we step into our power and ask for what we want, good things happen. Yet it’s common for moms to reject their own authority. They are afraid to “be mean” because they want to have an open and positive relationship with their kiddo.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEED MOMS TO STEP INTO THEIR POWER AND OWN THEIR AUTHORITY!
Because when women step into leadership positions, their instinct is to do it NICELY. Women gravitate toward collaboration, fairness, and kindness. Women are really good at preserving and prioritizing relationships! This is what we need more of!
What moms resist is the old fashioned, overly-regulated, command and control stereotype of authoritative parenting.
Like it or not, you ARE the AUTHORITY. You pay the bills. You know ALL THE THINGS. You are older and wiser with more education and experience than your children. You are the authority and you do have power.
You absolutely can set rules with consensus. I remember doing this in my classroom on the first day of school when I was a teacher. I asked the students what kind of rules they thought would be good to have and made sure everyone followed. They suggested every rule past teachers had in their classroom. We wrote them on a poster and hung them on the wall.
Mary can negotiate with her teenage daughter about what the rule should be when she comes home from college. They might want to negotiate other rules like “Don’t stop by my dorm unannounced.” People like rules. Even rebels, who get a thrill over bending and breaking rules, like to know what the rules are so they can have fun with them. Artists and musicians study the “rules” so they can use their creativity and think outside the box.
Supermom Kryptonite: Differing Values
One thing that can drain our energy is when we see our child has different values than we do and we extrapolate into the future. Mary might be imagining that her daughter’s disinterest in working a summer job means her daughter may NEVER want to work a summer job, or any job for that matter. She might worry about her daughter not sharing the same values around hard work as she does.
We tend to expect our children to have the same values we have. When they don’t, we futurize and catastrophize, making us overreact to the current situation, because we are actually reacting to the imagined future scenario in our heads.
The thing to remember is that values change over time. After so much social distancing, we all placed higher priority on socializing and having fun with friends. Many kids had social and emotional delays that they needed to make up for. Just because Mary’s daughter values play over work this summer, doesn’t mean it will be her value next summer.
When my kids were younger, I placed a high value on alone time. Now that I’m getting more time to myself, it’s not as high a priority. It’s not that I don’t value it anymore, it’s just I don’t have to focus on it.
My daughter has a value around not eating animals. She would love it if her dad and I were also vegan, but we have different values and that’s ok.
Learning to respect your children’s values, even when they are different from yours, is part of the “love more, care less” philosophy I teach in the Leading Your Teen coaching program. When we let go of our expectations of how we think things are supposed to be, and let go of our futurizing and catastrophizing fears, we can embrace our children’s differing values peacefully.
Supermom Power Boost - Invite Yo’Self!
When I was a freshman in high school, I asked a boy to the Sadie Hawkins dance. He gave me a typical freshman boy response, “oh! um…huh….um…maybe…I’ll think about it…I may have already made arrangements to go with someone else…I’ll check with her and get back to you…” He, of course, never got back to me, nor did he talk or look me in the eye ever again.
From this experience I decided, “That sucked and I’m never doing that again.”
I felt so brave and proud for putting myself out there but quickly developed a fear of rejection that translated into my adult life. I have a hard time initiating friendships, inviting people over, or in expressing my desire to socially connect with others. I also tend to take it personally when someone says no to my invitations or says yes and then cancels.
I LOVE hosting people and planning fun things to do with others so this fear of rejection makes it extra stressful.
Which is why today’s Supermom Power Boost is to “Invite yourself!” My new friend Darcy doesn’t have a fear of rejection. She invites herself along to anything that sounds fun to her. When we bought our lake house, she made it very clear she wanted to come up and go water skiing on the lake. This took all the fear of rejection away for me. It was such a gift! I knew she wanted to come and would accept an invitation (during COVID it was hard to know who was willing to risk exposure and who was playing it super safe). If she said no, I knew it wasn’t a rejection of ME but just a date that didn’t work for her. Boldly stating that she wanted to come helped me overcome my fears of being rejected.
I’ve seen her invite herself along to other people’s fun adventures and it’s so good for me to see that people don’t hate her, she doesn’t curl up into a ball when they say no, and more often than not, she gets invited to do a whole bunch of really cool stuff.
I am learning to take a page out of her book and make it really clear when I want to be invited or included. The social suicide that would ensue from being so bold died back in high school. As adults, I can see that people like to know who likes them and who wants to do fun things.
Today’s Supermom PowerBoost is to give a gift to the hostess by inviting yourself to join anything that looks fun to you. Instead of letting her worry about being rejected and who may or may not want to join, you can alleviate her fears by making your interests clear.
It might sound something like this:
“Your camping trip sounds amazing. I’ve never been camping. Would you be willing to take a newbie along with you next time you go?”
“Are there any spots available in your Bunco group / book club / playgroup? I would love to join.”
“Would you like to escape the kids and meet up for dinner and a movie with me?”
“I notice your family goes to the concerts in the park Friday nights, could I bring my kids and go with you next time?”
Make your interest clear. The worst thing that will happen is the “Oh…um….maybe…I have to see….” response. If so, no big deal, just do what I should have done and go ask someone else to the dance.
Quote of the day:
“Rejection…and the fear of rejection….are the biggest impediment to choosing ourselves.” James Altucher
Tuesday Jul 12, 2022
How do I prioritize my to-do list?
Tuesday Jul 12, 2022
Tuesday Jul 12, 2022
How do I prioritize when there are so many demands on my time?
Episode #129
Question of the Day:
“I’m on summer break along with my kids. I’ve got a 7 week break from my job but I’m overwhelmed by all the competing priorities on my time. I want to use this time to relax with my kids by the pool, declutter and have a garage sale, teach my kids how to cook, get more exercise, see my friends and family, plant a garden, take my kids to Six Flags, and get a hold of my finances, organize my files… see what I mean? The list just keeps going on and on. I don’t want August to come along and find I haven’t accomplished any of it. These 7 weeks could easily be filled with the daily tasks of motherhood. How do I prioritize my to-do list when they all seem equally important?”
Laura
Parent Educator Answer:
When you work on the school calendar, it is very easy to put pressure on the condensed summer vacation to accomplish things you are unable to get to during the year. But thinking about all the things you want to do creates an attention bottleneck. Too many ideas swimming around our brains makes us move slower and accomplish less. Call it analysis-paralysis or overthinking, but it is a Supermom kryptonite for sure.
No one else can tell you what your priorities should be, only you know what’s right for you, but I can give you some guidelines and questions that can help you prioritize.
Too much to do and not enough time to do it? Focus on the D’s:
Declutter
Discipline
Delight
Decide
Delete
Delegate
Delay
Do
-
- Declutter - Is there anything on this list that you KNOW will get done? Perhaps relaxing at the pool is automatically built into your summer schedule so you don’t have to THINK about doing it, you’ll just do it because it’s in your routine. I don’t have to THINK about doing the dishes because the daily mess will remind me to get it done. If you enjoy gardening, perhaps you can trust yourself to do it and clear out some mental space. Holding tasks in your head unnecessarily takes up valuable mental real estate that will drain your energy. Declutter your brain by putting some tasks on autopilot.
- Discipline - Is there one thing that impacts everything else? A good night’s sleep makes everything else easier. Exercise gives you physical energy, mental clarity, and sometimes a social outlet. Perhaps getting a hold of finances will make you relax and enjoy your summer more? Use your discipline on the one thing that has the greatest impact on everything else.
- Delight - What will you regret NOT doing once school starts again? If August comes and you have a clean house and organized finances, but you never had the chance to connect with your kids or relax by the pool, you may live to regret it. Think about the ages your kids are this summer. When your kids are out of the house, what will you wish you had done with them at the ages they are today? Prioritize the activities that delight you rather than the “shoulds” and your kids will get the best version of mom.
- Decide - Is there a decision that needs to be made? Closing a loop by making a decision will give you a big boost of energy. Put a date on the calendar for your garage sale. Book a weekend trip with girlfriends. Sign up for a 5k. Hire a money coach. Also, ask yourself “What am I avoiding?” and make a decision to move that needle forward. Making decisions and committing to forward action will clear out the mental clutter and help you feel accomplished.
- Delete - Is there anything on this list you can choose NOT to do? Maybe the reason you are avoiding it is because you don’t WANT to do it and deleting it is the right thing. Kids love Six Flags but you don’t? Drop them off and enjoy a day to yourself. Is Swim Team more hassle than it’s worth? Quit. Closets can stay messy another year. Kids can teach themselves to cook on youtube. Deleting things frees up energy in a flash.
- Delegate - Is there anything on your list you can delegate to someone else? Maybe have Sunbasket or Purple Carrot meal delivery kits teach your kids how to cook. Send the kids to the pool with your neighbor while you clean closets. Let Dad spend the day at Six Flags while you work on finances. Invite your green thumbed friend to socialize and plant a garden with you. You do not need to do it all, Supermom!
- Delay - What on your list can you delay until next summer or wait until the kids are older? Intentionally deciding to delay an important task can free up some mental and emotional energy. Delay the tasks that don’t bring you delight. Delay starting a garden until spring. Delay teaching your kids to cook until they seem interested in learning. We end up delaying things unintentionally, might as well delay them on purpose so you get the benefit of feeling in control of your life.
- Do - Sometimes, the fastest way to feel better is just to DO THE DAMN THING. Spinning around inside, feeling too overwhelmed to take action, can make you feel terrible. Go for a run. Roll out your yoga mat. Put your hands in the dirt. Taking productive action fuels us and motivates us to take more productive action.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way?
Worrying - Analyzing - Overthinking - Discussing - Researching
All of these things fall into a category called “Intellectual Action.” It FEELS like we are doing something because our brains are so busy. It feels like we don’t have TIME for actual, real-life action. When we are spinning around in intellectual action we have no CLARITY. How can we move forward when there isn’t a clear step to take?
We research, we discuss, we weigh pros and cons, we try to please everyone involved (and even those not involved) but all this intellectual action does is keeps us stuck and stagnant.
What we want is BIG, BOLD ACTION. This will give us energy and momentum. Big, bold action makes us feel confident and in control.
We think we shouldn’t take action UNTIL we feel confident but it’s these big steps that actually provide confidence! We want the PERFECT path to illuminate itself to us so we can be guaranteed we won’t make a mistake.
We avoid big, bold action because we feel vulnerable and scared. So we wait for confidence to come along but it never does. Instead we feel tired and drained from NOT taking action. We feel embarrassed by our lack of productivity instead of PROUD of all we’ve accomplished.
If you are having a hard time prioritizing and feeling stagnant, you have 2 choices.
- Worry, discuss, and analyze which will keep you feeling tired, confused, and nervous.
- Feel the fear and take action anyway. Make decisions, take bold action to move the needle forward WHILE ALSO FEELING FEAR. This will keep you proud and energized.
Supermom Kryptonite - People Pleasing
When you are a card-carrying people pleaser like myself, it can really get in the way from knowing how to prioritize.
There are many people out there who have no problem prioritizing because they know who they are and what they want. They don’t dwell on how others might feel about it. This makes it so much easier to prioritize.
If your mom thinks your kids should be able to cook for themselves, and your husband can’t stand clutter, and all the neighbor kids are swimming in the community pool, it can be really hard to know what the right thing to do is FOR YOU.
But it is really, really, really important for you to know what you want, and give yourself permission to prioritize it.
No one else is going to take care of you. It’s your job to keep YOU in the driver’s seat of your life. Your higher self knows what you need to be at your best so make sure you are asking yourself on a regular basis.
What do I really, really want?
What would make this my best summer ever?
When I look back at this time of my life, what will I be most proud of?
Keep YOUR desires, your spirit front and center, and you will know how to prioritize.
Supermom PowerBoost - Let your future self be your guide
Think about your future self. Doesn’t matter if it’s 5 years in the future or 25 years, but really spend some time thinking about the person you want to be. What will you regret NOT having done during this stage of life? What accomplishment will you be most proud of? What forward momentum could you put into place now, that you will reap the rewards of later? What obstacle will you be so happy in the future that you overcame?
When I look back on my life 10 years ago, the things I am most grateful and proud of are hiring a life coach and using my tools to overcome anxiety, going all-in on my coaching business, investing in real estate, and being involved in as many areas of my kids' lives as they would have me.
We tend to be proudest of the things that are the most difficult to do. Go make your future self proud!
Quote of the Day:
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe