Supermom is Getting Tired

What you need to know before traveling with children this summer

Vacation strategies for traveling with anxious, inflexible and neurodiverse children

Episode #151

 

Have you ever been so excited for a getaway with the kids only to come back more exhausted than before you left?

Similarly, you plan a relaxing vacation for your family but after the THIRD  meltdown of the day you yell: "This is supposed to be FUN!" or "Do you know how much this is costing?"

Yeah, me neither :)

It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of a vacation, and develop short term memory loss about the challenges of traveling with children.

Let's take a minute to remember: Travel rarely provides a vacation from parenting. In fact, it can often require more hands on deck to deal with constant transitions and lack of routines and comfort.

It's best to set your expectation that vacations are TRIPS, not necessarily a vacation for YOU.  Aligning your expectations with the reality that travel is just doing the work of parenting from a different location can make your life easier.

 

After you set yourself up for appropriate expectation, you can focus your attention on preparing the kids for a successful vacation.

There is a lot parents can do to set them up for success!

When you are at home, it's easy to forget how much of their ability to thrive depends on predictable routines and familiarity. Whether your child is neurotypical or neurodiverse, sensory seeking or sensory avoidant, today's podcast is designed to set your family up for a successful summer vacation.

 

Today we talk to Dawn Barclay, author of Traveling Different: Vacation Strategies for Parents of the Anxious, the Inflexible, and the Neurodiverse .

We'll talk about how to choose a trip suited to their temperament, how prepare them before it's time to go, and different resources available to help kids travel successfully. Did you know that airlines, cruises, and amusement parks have resources in place to help neurodiverse kids enjoy family vacations? Neither did I!

 

Dawn M. Barclay is an award-winning author who has spent a career working in different aspects of the travel industry.

After spending ten years working in sales and marketing, she branched out into travel trade reporting with positions at Travel Agent Magazine, Travel Life, Travel Market Report, and Insider Travel Report.

She is a mother of two and resides in New York’s scenic Hudson Valley.

A member of the Society of American Travel Writers and the Family Travel Association, she also writes fiction as D.M. Barr.

Website: http://www.travelingdifferent.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/@travelingdiff

Facebook: www.facebook.com/travelingdifferent

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/traveling_different/

 

How To Live Your Life’s Purpose

Episode #150 - HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE PURPOSE

Living your life’s purpose feels like a heavy topic, especially when your life is busy buying graduation cards, driving to baseball games and awards banquets.                  

But my intention for this episode is to show you that following your destiny and fulfilling your life’s purpose is easy, light hearted and fun. 

If you feel like the purpose of your life is to be a mom, you might worry about what will happen when your kids grow up and leave the house. 

Maybe you are trying to guide your child towards living THEIR PURPOSE and a successful future but the world is changing so fast, you worry the wisdom you’ve acquired may not apply to the next generation. 

Perhaps you thought motherhood would give you all the purpose you would ever need, but are finding the daily tasks of motherhood empty and hollow. 

Wherever you are in your journey towards finding purpose, today’s episode will help you understand how to know if you are on track for your life’s purpose.

There is no need to stress about going back to work or staying home, whether to invest in competitive or recreational soccer, or worry about life after your kids leave the house. 

 

 

Your purpose is always guiding you, whispering in your ear, so finding your purpose isn’t an issue, you just need to know what to look for. 

Following life’s passions and purpose is one of the great joys of being human! BUT, most meaningful journeys start with a whole lot of suffering. Like becoming a mom starts with the pain of childbirth, discovering your life’s purpose can begin with suffering, but if you learn to listen to the hints and signs, you can minimize the suffering and jump into the flow your life wants to take. 

Life coaching helps us get back into the flow your life is meant to take.

We are born with certain interests, personality traits, and proclivities. Our job is to figure out what those proclivities are, and go do them. It benefits the survival of our species for us all to have DIFFERENT interests and talents. If everyone LOVED staying home and tending to children, who would build the shelter, hunt for food, heal the sick, repair, explore, invent, translate, educate, etc.? 

Somehow, our culture decided all moms should be good at all things, leading to a generation of burned out, overwhelmed and exhausted mommas. It’s the PRESSURE society puts on us to be good at everything that leaves us in a constant state of inadequacy. This “I’m not good enough” mental belief blocks us from listening to our intuition and feeling like we are living a purposeful, meaningful life.

I will tell you 2 stories in my life that helped guide me towards living my purpose and feeling like I was fulfilling my destiny. The first one involved years of suffering, the second involved years of fun and games. Two different ways to react to the same intuition calling you into a new direction. 

My hope is that by telling these stories, you will be able to learn what signs to look for, hear how your intuition speaks to you and get back into the flow of your life with fun instead of struggle. 

Intuition is often the source of our greatest suffering. It can guide us forward in playful, interesting ways or it can be the voice you don’t want to hear, but that won’t go away. It’s the voice that tells you it’s time to leave your marriage or quit the job you spent 8 years preparing for. It’s the relentless nagging that wakes you in the middle of the night until you surrender your life to the flow of destiny. But if you catch it early and keep it playful, it’s a clue, a sign, a feeling to move towards that will help you live a life that is right for you. 

 

"Life is always speaking to you. Are you going to listen to the whispers or wait until it hits you like a brick upside your head?" Oprah Winfrey

Story #1

It was a cold, February day like any other, feeling stuck inside my house like many stay-at-home moms. I was watching the clock, counting down the hours until I could put my son to bed. 

My first born was 3 years old which meant all my mommy friends were either pregnant or nursing their second child. Sure they were sleep deprived and exhausted, but they seemed content. 

I was the opposite of content. 

Although I loved being a mom and adored my son, I felt CRAZY. I was RESTLESS, TIRED, ANXIOUS, OVERWHELMED, DEPLETED. Other moms seemed to have their act together, but I felt like I was drowning and no one knew. I couldn’t even THINK about having another child in the state I was in.

I walked around my house, using the clutter as evidence to prove that I wasn’t measuring up as a wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. I put one glass in the dishwasher, then remember I never paid the electric bill, I’d go to the computer and think, I should be doing laundry. I’d walk to the laundry room, fold a shirt or two and think, I need to get dinner started. I’d start cooking and remember the deadline for gymnastics camp was starting soon so I’d better fill out the application. I jumped from thing to thing, mentally spinning in circles, never really accomplishing anything noticeable. By the end of the day, I was exhausted but had accomplished nothing. The house was still a mess and so was I. 

The voice in my head was filled with “have to’s”, “need to’s” and “shoulds”. This made me feel like a prisoner in my own life. When people said, “You are so lucky you get to stay home and you don’t have to work” I added guilt to the shit storm of emotions I felt. 

Before I agreed to marry my husband, I had two mandates. One was that he had to be willing to go to couples counseling with me, and two, that I could stay home and raise our children. I loved kids: I studied child development, family life education, and educational theories. I was CERTAIN that when I had my own kids, I would be fulfilled by being a stay home mom. I knew in my bones that I was meant to be a mom. 

My a-ha moment came this dark February afternoon when O, The Oprah magazine arrived in my mailbox. I put my son down for his precious nap and plopped on the couch. I opened the magazine to an article about a life coach, helping a woman organize her home. I felt a wave of enthusiasm come over me. Suddenly I had energy AND clarity. The voice in my head said: THIS!! 

I wasn’t meant just to be a stay home mom! I was put here to help others like this life coach was. I had been trying to convince myself that being a stay home mom was enough for me. As much as I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted, the contrast in emotions I felt from my daily life to reading about life coaching was DRAMATIC. It felt freeing to discover the thought, “I am meant for more than this.” 

You might think I immediately signed up for life coach training and started my career, but NO. 

It was a longer, more circuitous route filled with resistance and beliefs like, “I don’t know how to do that” “I could never work for myself”, “I’m not an entrepreneur” “life coaching sounds so cringy”. It was another 7 years before I signed up for life coach training, but it did start me in a new direction of finding work outside the home. 

Experiencing the contrast of stay-home-mom-misery to reading-about-life-coaching-joy, put me on a new trajectory. For the first time, my aim switched from “trying to enjoy my life as a stay home with pressure, inadequacy and guilt sitting on my shoulders”  to “what activities are going to give me that feeling again?” 

I was at a crossroads and both paths felt terrible. The one I had been on (SAHM)  felt confining, limiting and frustrating, but it was familiar. I knew where it would take me. The second path (Life Coaching) felt confusing, overwhelming, scary and I didn’t know where it would take me. This uncertainty had the potential to give me that energizing, exciting and purposeful feeling. So I slowly walked a very windy road following what felt good to me. 

I needed to suffer for many years in order to give me the courage to sail into uncharted waters. I couldn’t just apply for a job as a life coach that already existed (although I tried many times). I had to navigate without a map: try new things, make mistakes, embarrass myself, fail, learn, switch directions. I learned to experience what coaches call “failing forward”. Failing for a purpose, my purpose, growing me toward a life that felt a lot more fulfilling than trying to convince myself that raising kids was enough to fulfill my soul’s calling. 

I had a lot of fears and limiting beliefs to overcome. “Who do I think I am?” “What if people don’t like me or think I’m weird?” “No one will hire me if my life isn’t perfect.” I had to learn to tame the mean sabotaging voice in my head and find some compassion glasses to put on when I talked to myself. I had to turn down my empathy dials and give up a habit of overwhelm and worrying. I had to stop people pleasing and find courage and gumption instead. 

It was a whole lot of work that involved a whole lot of suffering. But as sucky as it felt, I could fall back on that feeling that I was doing the right thing for ME. After a few hours of teaching, doing the dishes didn’t BOTHER me like it before. Now I could enjoy folding laundry because it was a break from putting myself out there. I had something interesting to think about while doing the same old tasks. I was back on track with my life’s purpose and I knew it because it felt so much better. 

We are born 100% ourselves, very connected to the essence of who we are, what interests we have, our innate personalities and talents. Along the way we become socialized away from this knowing. We learn what our society values and approves of. We learn to feel embarrassed or ashamed. We hide parts of ourselves, and exaggerate other parts, in order to be accepted and approved by our culture.

 

Two things give you purpose and meaning:

1. Reconnecting with your essence.

2. Obeying the call to align with that essence.

 

Story #2

"Follow your bliss. If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open doors to you." Joseph Campbell

It was a cozy evening in November, I was sitting by the fireplace watching my son about to open his first college acceptance letter. We weren't expecting any to come this early so we were surprised. He hadn’t even finished filling out his applications yet so there was no built up anticipation. His school of choice, (Western Washington), accepted him in the major of his choice, (Linguistics). He smiled as he read. He looked up at me calmly and said, “That’s it. They want me, I want them. That’s it, I am decided.”

I spent the next month trying to convince him otherwise. “Are you sure?” “Don’t you at least want to tour this (more prestigious) school?” “We still have our trip planned to visit (out of state school offering good financial incentives), don’t you want to have something to compare to?” 

I made it sound logical but really, I was struggling. As soon as he chose his school, I realized something scary. 

It wasn’t that he was moving 900 miles away, I was mentally prepared for that. 

It wasn’t that I thought he was making the wrong decision, this school had everything he was looking for. 

It was this voice that came into my head saying, “This is where my adventure ends and his begins.”and I didn’t want that to be true. 

I LOVED the process of helping my son plan for his future. I loved touring schools, dreaming what it would be like to live in different places. I imagined my visits and what activities I could do while there. I got excited thinking about the different people, clubs, and opportunities he would have by going off to college. 

The truth of the sentence “This is where his adventure begins and mine ends.” hit me hard because I knew, in my heart, that I didn’t want my adventure to end. I wanted something new and exciting as well, but I didn’t know what that would be. I had 4 more years until my daughter graduated high school. I was content with my life. I had a part time job, a wonderful coaching practice, a good marriage, a house I loved, family and community nearby, I didn't want to go back to college or change anything in my life.

I ignored this call to adventure and decided I would be satisfied with visiting my son at school and going through college tours with my daughter. 

But in the back of my mind, I knew having an empty nest was going to unearth some realities I wasn’t ready to listen to. 

Instead of WAITING for the suffering to start, I went on a scavenger hunt. I started paying attention to which activities I loved and which ones I didn’t. I started imagining life without carpools and volleyball tournaments. When I encountered a mom with adult kids, I interviewed her to see where she found passion and adventure. 

Imagining this future life did not make me feel good. I was worried about where I would find meaning and purpose. Who would I be without kids in the house? What would happen to my marriage? My social life?

I paid attention to what lit me up. When I looked at social media, did I get jealous? If so, what was I jealous of? What books, TV shows and movies was I drawn to? Which friends did I enjoy the most and what topics of discussion did I find interesting? 

Over the years I have learned to TRUST this still small voice in my head. I knew it would lead me onto the right path for me, I just had to pay attention. 

Our friends came to visit from Costa Rica and tried to convince us to plan a vacation there. I wasn’t interested (seems crazy now but I think I was just too tired to think about it). But what REALLY surprised me was how I perked up at the idea of MOVING to Costa Rica and having my daughter do high school there. That was weird. Why would I be interested in moving to a place I’ve never been? Why would I rather live there, but not vacation there? I paid attention and made a mental note. 

When we went to Costa Rica and fell in love with the nature, the people, and the feeling of being removed from our busy, stimulating world. As a life coach, I knew that Costa Rica wasn’t magical (even though it felt that way), it was who we became while we there that we fell in love with. I tried to bring those relaxation vibes home with me. I experimented and played around with how to make my life in the suburbs more like Costa Rica. 

I planned an outing for my son and I before he left for University. I figured between it being my birthday and his last weekend at home, I could make him agree to do something fun with me one last time. We brought our bicycles, reserved some kayaks and drove to a lighthouse on the Pacific Coast to spend the night in a youth hostel. 

In the morning I woke up to the most beautiful view I had ever seen.

Towering cliffs plunged into the sparkling blue ocean while birds dove into the waves looking for their morning meal. The gentle waves rolled on the pristine sandy beach inside a serene cove while out into the ocean, the waves crashed against rock formations. I was awestruck. The sea otters rode the undulating waves on their backs without a care in the world. As I sipped my latte overlooking this panoramic view, I felt a feeling that I knew I wanted more of. This beautiful clear day, in an unfamiliar place, filled with planned, outdoor activities and a very clear voice inside that said “THIS”. This is what I want.

When you spend 18 years raising kids, it’s easy to lose track of who you are. When nobody asks you, “What do you want to do this weekend, Mom?” or “What do you want to eat for lunch?” You forget to ask yourself those fundamental questions. Everyone else’s desires come through loud and clear but are own are quiet. 

Our life’s purpose speaks to us through our desires. If we ignore our desires, we don’t know what our purpose is calling us towards.

This intuition, that we all have, gets our attention through yearning and discontent.

If we ignore the desire, it turns to discontentment.

If you ignore the discontentment, it turns into suffering. 

After this a-ha weekend with my son, I found some friends who were willing to create a “Mom’s Adventure Club”. A group of moms whose “kids won’t play with them anymore”. We plan hikes, bike rides, kayaking, snowshoeing and skiing adventures. It has been a saving grace for me during COVID and the transition to having kids move out of my house. 

I could have waited until I was sad, lost and lonely to figure out my empty nest strategy but why suffer if you don’t need to? Watching for clues of things that light you up, noticing where you feel jealous of others, what ignites you, imagining alternative life plans, is a light hearted way play at the game of life.

You are always living your purpose. You cannot escape it. It will either get your attention through yearnings and desires, or it will get it through suffering and discontent. It will never leave you. 

Now as I get ready to leave the house I raised my kids in, I have to remind myself that this adventure is what I wanted. I didn’t want predictability, I wanted uncertainty and I’ve got it. I want that awestruck feeling of waking up and seeing something amazing. I want to spend more time outdoors having new experiences. My life feels scary and uncomfortable, but very aligned with my purpose. My plan is to live summer’s at the lake, winter’s in Costa Rica, and coach my clients from beautiful places around the world. I’m not sure how working while traveling is going to go but I am excited to obey the call to adventure I heard almost 5 years ago. 

Following your purpose can involve a whole lot of suffering, or you can treat it like that game of you are getting warmer. You don’t know exactly where your destiny lies, but you have to take a step in some direction to find out if it feels warmer or colder. Even when you feel aligned with your purpose, something could change at any moment to uproot you. We never stop playing this game until the day we die. Does watching the news before bed make you feel warmer or colder? Does having a weekend with no plans make you feel warmer or colder? We are always changing but if you can keep a playful attitude while on this game of life, you will ENJOY the discovery of your purpose and eliminate unnecessary suffering.

Supermom Power Boost: Try this exercise at home. Create 5 different paths for your future. 

Your purpose isn't just ONE thing. It's about being the person you were meant to be. When we attach too tightly to things going a certain way, we get too rigid. One way to stay flexible and open minded in a constantly changing world is to create 5 different paths for your future.

Your job is replaced by Artificial Intelligence. Your marriage implodes. Another pandemic hits. Aliens abduct your family and no one believes you. 

At any moment, something can derail your life. If this makes you feel anxious like it does me, exercise your creativity and come up with 5 alternative life plans. This way, your job is replaced by Artificial Intelligence, your marriage implodes, another pandemic hits or aliens abduct your family and no one believes you, you can just move on to Plan B. It's a sneaky way of feeling in control of something you don't have control over. 

Here are my 5 alternative life plans, all of which I would be happy to pursue.

1. I travel and work abroad with my husband, continuing to grow my podcast and coaching practice, from beautiful new places. 
2. I work at home but take time off to work in volunteer camps around the globe. Organizing trips for parents to come along with me and bring their teens. 
3. Find a small community that I love and want to get involved with. I teach kids, play golf, Pickleball, yoga, hike, and enjoy an outdoor lifestyle. Maybe I work a booth at art & wine on the weekends supporting a volunteer organization. 
4. I move abroad by myself and get a social job in the daytime where I can meet people (like waiting tables or some easy service job), then coach my clients at night. 
5. I live with a group of female friends, hosting speed dating events, working as a matchmaker and dating coach. 

There are many ways to live your life's purpose. You can't NOT live your life's purpose. Even if you are suffering, that is coming from your higher self, trying to get your attention so you can get back in the flow of your life.

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Your Late Night Food Binge is Your Ticket to Happiness

Ep 149: Your Late Night Food Binge is Your Ticket to Happiness

Interview with entrepreneur and master life coach, Corinne Crabtree

 

This was a fun and fabulous interview with my colleague that you are sure to enjoy! Even if you don't binge eat at night, it's those evening hours that give you insight into your truest self. Whether you stay up late watching TV, drinking wine, playing Candy Crush or sneaking food rewards, that is the time of day that we are trying to nurture ourselves. 

Stop feeling guilty and start paying attention to what you really crave: rest, pleasure, joy, self care, nurturing, a break from self pressure. Then find ways to bring more of this into your life deliberately. Stop eliminating your one source of joy by dieting. Expand your joy and diversify the amount of ways you get the rest, nurturing and self love you crave. 

 

I'm so excited to get to share this interview with you!

Corinne Crabtree is a Master Certified Weight and Life Coach with a mission
to help every woman break generational curses in order to improve their
personal health and wealth. Corinne lost 100lbs 15 years ago and ever since,
she has dedicated her life to teaching women how to do the same.

Corinne Crabtree is one of the leading voices in the weight loss and business
industry.

She’s the host of the wildly successful podcast, Losing 100lbs with Corinne,
which has been downloaded over 50 million times in 160 countries. Over 1
Million women have taken her free weight loss course and Corinne now
serves over 14,000 paid members in the No BS Weight loss Program.

You can catch Corinne on Facebook and Instagram talking shit about the
diet and online marketing industry. Her greatest passion is helping women
get rid of their old shitty thoughts by using self love to never quit on
themselves again.

[caption id="attachment_14147" align="aligncenter" width="543"] Interview with Corinne Crabtree[/caption]

Listen and Subscribe to the Losing 100 Pounds Podcast
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/losing-100-pounds-with-corinne/
id1233384453

Link to Corinne’s Free Weight loss Course & Website
www.nobsfreecourse.com

Losing 100 Podcast/No BS Weight loss Program Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/

Instagram - @Corinne_Crabtree

No BS Business WomenFacebook - https://www.facebook.com/
Instagram - @NoBSBusinessWomen

How To Take Care of My Own Emotional Needs

Taking Care of Your Emotional Needs

Question of the Day:

How can I take care of my own emotional needs?

I have tried too many times in too many ways to get my husband to be more empathetic and supportive. I want him to listen to me tenderly, and connect with me emotionally, without being dismissed. The vulnerability of putting myself out there, telling him what I need, and then not getting it, is too much for me to bear. I have been super understanding and accommodating towards him, it’s not fair that I don’t get what I need from him. I think we’d coexist peacefully if I could feel less dependent on him.

Is there a way to take care of my own emotional needs?

M.S.

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

Can you take care of your own emotional needs? 100% yes and I highly recommend doing it. 

 

Can you live in isolation and not ever need other people? 100% no. We are social creatures and we need other people around us for our mental well being. 

 

Even though you are talking about your husband, this is a very common occurrence with moms of teens. Moms come in thinking “I need my teen to be happy in order for me to be happy.” “I need my teenager to be nice to me so I can be nice to him.” “I need my teen to get good grades/have good friends so I can feel like a good parent.” 

 

When we put OUR ability to be happy in the hands of anyone else, it feels terrible. 

 

I got into a discussion with Rachel Simmons (author of Odd Girl Out) at a Girl’s Leadership training. She suggested adolescent girls express their needs to their friends as a way to resolve conflict and strengthen their relationship. “I need you to respond to my texts within 24 hours.” or “I need you to remember my birthday.” 

 

I thought this sounded awful and false. I don’t NEED you to do anything for me to love and appreciate you. I like you, you are my friend. You be you, I’ll be me, and I’ll love you because I want to! 

 

Rachel liked the vulnerability that is required for someone to admit,  “I need something from you.” Couples counselors use this terminology to help open up lines of communication. They want couples to reflect on what their needs are, and how their partner can fulfill these needs. 

 

This is certainly a step up from blame and using statements like “You never listen to me” which doesn’t lead to a productive outcome. The act of reflecting on what you need is helpful. I know for a fact that I need affection. But I don’t need my husband to be the one to give it to me. I can hug strangers, get massages, cuddle my dog, cat and girlfriends. Expecting your partner to be the only one to fulfill your needs puts a lot of pressure on them, and puts you in a vulnerable, precarious position. 

When my first child was born, I suddenly felt very vulnerable and needy. I was super anxious about something bad happening to my husband because I was so dependent on him for physical, emotional, and financial support. The thought of him dying or leaving made me lose my mind. Once I did the work to overcome that stress, I never wanted to go back. 

 

I did the same thing with my baby. I would sing to him “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” But I hated saying the line “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” because it made me feel too vulnerable. I changed it to “No one will take my sunshine away” because I didn’t want to feel that fear. 

 

My need back then, was security. I needed to feel secure. But asking my husband and child not to die so I could feel secure was not the answer. I had to do the inner work to learn how to feel secure, no matter what happened to them. 

 

We all have a need to feel seen, heard, and felt. If your partner’s active listening is the only way you get that need met, it puts a lot of pressure on a relationship that also needs to get dishes done, help with homework, feed children, carpool and walk the dog. Being able to take care of your own emotional needs is a BRILLIANT strategy. 

 

Paying for what we want keeps the relationship clean. Whether it’s a therapist or a life coach, the rules are simple. This is all about you. This is your time to get your needs met. Writing your thoughts in a journal can get you really connected with your inner world. Having girlfriends or support groups that go deep are great, facebook groups or other online forums designed for deep and meaningful conversations can give you what you are looking for. Books and podcasts that speak to your soul can help you meet your own emotional needs. 

 

When we take care of our emotional needs, everything else we get on top of that is icing on the cake. We feel empowered and free because we trust ourselves to pay attention to our hearts desire, and find many ways to fulfill that desire. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from taking care of our own emotional needs? 

 

The social programming that teaches kids (especially girls) not to WANT things. 

Girls and women are not encouraged to pay attention to their desires, or believe they are worthy of pursuing them. 

When we were little, we all knew what we wanted, but society taught us to swallow it and do what everyone else is doing:

“You shouldn’t want dessert for breakfast”

“You might want to run around outside with your friends but you should be a good girl and sit indoors on hard chairs like everyone else.” 

Society sends us messages like…

“You should be generous, but not a pushover.”

“You should be confident but not cocky.” 

“You should care about your appearance, but don’t try too hard. 

 

We get so many messages about what we are SUPPOSED to want, it makes it hard to hear, acknowledge and pursue our desires. “We should want to do well in school.” “We should be interested in boys and romance.” “We should care what other people think about us.” 

 

You absolutely can WANT your husband to listen with tenderness. Wanting that, from a place of worthiness and confidence, feels very different, than needing it. You might even find out that he wants it, too. 

 

Give yourself permission to want what you want because you want it. Believe you are worthy of receiving it. Believe that the rest of the world wants it for you as well. Ask for it with calm, leadership energy. 

 

Let’s differentiate need from want.

 

What is a NEED that you have? Don’t be specific, stay general. Peace, Quiet, Security, Love, Connection, Beauty. We all have needs but they are never “I need another person to act in a certain way”. Focus on the feeling that action would give you. Then, list 5 different ways you can give that to yourself: Walk in nature, Pay off your debts, Appreciate your dog for his loving attention. 

 

What do you WANT right now? Practice asking for what you want from a place of worthiness. This is where to be really specific and make sure to start your sentence with I WANT!

 

• Ask your partner for something you want: I want you to rub my shoulders for 5 minutes. I want your help doing the dishes after dinner. I want you to listen to me for 60 seconds then repeat back what you heard me say.
• Ask your kids for something you want: I want you to clean out the car after school today, I want you to speak kindly to your sister.  
• Ask yourself for something you want: I want to drink water instead of wine tonight. I want to get up early tomorrow and write in my journal before the kids get up.
• Ask the Universe for what you want: I want my kid to enjoy his baseball season. I want nice weather for our camping trip next month. 

 

We all want such good things: peace, joy, sunshine, a break, a lovely meal, quiet, fun, nature, to get lost in a good book. 

 

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we took care of our emotional needs and just went around expressing our desire for what we wanted?

 

Supermom Kryptonite: Under stress, we regress.

People feel so much better after going through the 12 week Supermom is Getting Tired Coaching Program, they assume the issues they conquered will never resurface.

 

Au contraire, mon amie. 

 

This assumption is today’s Supermom Kryptonite because it’s just not true. When challenges arise and we are hit with multiple disappointments, it is normal for old patterns to re-emerge. Expecting this to happen and meeting yourself with compassion is the key to progress. 

 

This happened to me with my move last week. It’s the week before putting the house on the market. My daughter is home for spring break. I’m managing roof inspectors, sewer inspectors, pest inspectors, house inspectors, plumbers, electricians and handymen, all while trying to keep my newly staged house clean and clutter free. My brain was overwhelmed. 

 

I remember this feeling well when the kids were little. I would walk around the house like a zombie, putting one glass in the dishwasher, folding one towel, sending one email. It felt like I couldn’t accomplish anything. My mind was a fuzzy haze. I had no clarity. This happened to me again last week. 

 

It’s called an Information Bottleneck. Too much coming in at one time causes our nervous system to go into fight, flight, or freeze. Some of my clients go into a cleaning frenzie when they feel pressured (I always envied the folks who stress clean). 

 

When I feel pressure, or if someone is trying to hurry me along, my nervous system freezes. I move slower. I can’t process. This, (combined some with a little handy blame and resentment towards my husband) made me regress into old familiar patterns. 

 

But because I write, talk and coach clients on this all the time, I knew exactly how to handle it. I started with grace and compassion. The old me would have beat myself up for not being more productive, asking horrible questions like “What’s wrong with me?”. This time there was no judgment (a little disappointment at the timing of it, but it I thought about you all and it motivated me to stay self observing). 

 

I walked through the worst case scenario if it doesn’t get done and found there was no emergency. I got out of the house and into environments without a visible to-do list (a walk around the neighborhood, my car). I made time to focus on only one thing (coaching calls and TV shows help me block out the mind clutter). I got everything out of my head and onto paper. I broke things down into super small baby steps so that I could feel accomplished. I delegated, deleted and delayed my tasks. By doing these things, I was able to get my Central Nervous System back on board after only two days of zombie mom. 

So remember that under stress, we regress, but if you meet it with compassion and remind yourself that you know what to do, you’ll be back on track in no time. 

 

Supermom PowerBoost: Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson from the book There's a Hole in The Sidewalk

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

I’m not getting it all done

Epsiode 147: If only I had more TIME

Dear Torie

I’m not getting it all done!

I have 4 school aged kids, 2 dogs, a part time job, a partner and a house. I am blessed and grateful for this full and busy life…BUT…it frustrates me that no matter how much I accomplish, I am ALWAYS BEHIND. I keep forgetting things, losing things, no matter how fast I move, I feel like always chasing my tail. The idea that I can master motherhood is falling fast.

I just want to knock out my to-do list so I can relax but it never happens, there is always more to get done. I go to bed thinking, “If I just had more time…”

It’s starting to impact my self confidence. My family notices I’m not the happy parent I used to be when the kids were little. They keep offering to give me massages or telling me to take breaks, but if I do, more work will pile up. It takes a lot of logistics to get my 4 duckies all moving in one direction. There’s no time for wandering off (please don’t lecture me about overscheduling my children) but I am stressed out and something’s gotta change.

Stuck on the hamster wheel Hannah

Parent Educator Answer

Hardworking, Supermom Hannah! My heart goes out to you because I have certainly been where you are and so many other moms are right there with you right now. I promise not to judge or lecture you because I have no idea how many activities are right for you or your kids. Everyone is different and I trust you are making the decisions that are right for you.

Your question is one of the most common kryptonites for Supermoms. Tackling INVISIBLE problems is my specialty. You aren’t DOING anything wrong, but the emotional energy you are in from dawn to dusk is exhausting.

We can call this time anxiety, like I did in episode 38.
We can talk about tips and tricks for prioritizing the to-do list but I did that in episode 129.
We can talk about a resistance to relaxation but I covered that in episode 69.

Time anxiety is so insidious and a leading cause of tired Supermoms, it’s worth talking about it in a new way. Getting stuck on the productivity hamster wheel robs you of your ability to ENJOY this precious time of raising your beautiful kids.

Let’s compare our relationships with time, to a romantic relationship. Does your relationship with time seem balanced? Mutually supportive? Uplifting and energizing?

Not really. In this example it’s more like Hannah is stalking her ex.

Think of time as your ex boyfriend, hiding from you, dodging your calls, pretending not to see you, and you are hunting it down, NEEDING it back! You can’t look at dating anyone else, you are hyper focused on getting this illusive hottie back to where your relationship last felt good.

Hannah’s BRAIN is stuck on this hamster wheel of trying to get all her work done so she can finally relax. It seems like the only way to feel at peace is to cross items off your to-do list. Similar to someone who thinks their ex is the ONLY love they will ever need or want and no one else will ever fulfill them.

Can you see that YOU are NOT the problem?
Your TO-DO LIST is not the problem.
TIME is not the problem.

The problem is the relationship you have with time is unbalanced.

A healthy relationship with time looks similar to a healthy romantic relationship.
Giving and Receiving
Mutually Supportive
Kind, gentle and compassionate
Understanding and accepting of one another’s limitations.

Most people think of time as unlimited, and a to-do list as finite. This perception increases feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and disappointment when we don’t get everything done. Your sentence “no matter how much I accomplish, I am ALWAYS BEHIND” is a sentence that’s going to make anyone feel crappy. Imagine your child goes out for basketball and you tell her, “No matter how much you accomplish, you’ll always be behind.” It’s an awful thing to hear when you are working your butt off on a daily basis.

You’ll find a more peaceful relationship with time if you flip it. TIME is finite, and the TO-DO list is infinite. You might be thinking, “wait a second, Torie, thinking that time is limited and I have an endless amount of tasks is way MORE stressful! That is a TERRIBLE thought to think!”

We have a limited amount of time here on Earth. Our kids are young and under our roofs for such a short period of time. We only have 24 hours in a day and 60 minutes in each hour. Time is finite. Once we can accept that it calls us to a higher place. We start thinking about what’s really important. If I only have 24 hours in a day, and 8 are spent sleeping, that leaves 16 hours each day to dedicate towards the things I VALUE. Do I really want to be scrolling through my phone during those valuable hours? Do I really want to feel frustrated and stressed from dawn to dusk, or is there another emotion I’d like to feel instead? Is the highest use of these valuable hours to ‘get everything done’ or is there another perspective worth adopting?

The to-do list, however, is infinite. The kids get older and more gets added. One likes music, the other likes sports, your animal lover can’t have enough animals around the house. You want them to have relationships with family, friends, nature and culture. There’s always more to learn, more to celebrate, more to clean, more to plan and do. There is no end to the amount of things you can add to your to-do list.

Just because TIME is invisible, we think there is no end to it.
To-do lists are visible, so we think they are finite.
Flip them around and it will improve your relationship with time.

Think of TIME like your closet, and the items on your to-do list are the clothes in your closet. If you jam it full of stuff, it makes sense you would lose things and forget you had them. But that doesn’t mean you are failing at motherhood!

There is an endless amount of clothing in the world you could bring home and stuff in your closet. You have the power to choose, curate, rotate your winter/summer clothes, keep the essentials and enjoy the items you love most. Some people like the abundant feeling of a full with plenty of choices. Some people enjoy the simplicity of a pared down minimalist closet. You get to decide what is right for you, but let’s work on not FIGHTING with the closet or the clothes that are in it.

You’ve got this situation that many moms in the trenches face called “Too much to do, not enough time to do it.” You are feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and frustrated about this fact. But let’s imagine you can choose from a buffet table of emotions. How do you want to feel about the fact that you have more to do than time to do it? This is where your control lies. You can choose how you’d like to feel about your overstuffed closet known as TIME. Do you want to feel peaceful? Empowered? Motivated? Neutral or matter of fact?

The most important thing is to take back your power. When we feel like getting through the to-do list is the only way to relax, and we never get through it, it feels like we have no power. You giving away our ability to feel at peace whenever we want. Choosing how you want to feel and focusing on that emotion helps us create a new relationship with time.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from creating a more balanced, peaceful relationship with time? A fear of future emotions.

We create stress in the present by worrying about feeling a negative emotion in the future.

We are afraid to take a break for fear of feeling even more stressed out later.

We are afraid to drop a ball because we might feel judged by other moms, teachers, coaches, our kids or partners.

We are afraid to fall behind because the voice in our head will tell us we are failing at motherhood and we will believe it.

This fear of future emotions causes us to feel negative emotions now.

There are two ways to deal with this.

First is to learn how to process emotions. To move emotions through you in a healthy way so they don’t eat you alive. It takes a little time and practice but it is well worth the journey.

The thing we fear most is a negative emotion. We don’t want our kids to die because we don’t want to be grief stricken. We don’t want to take breaks from our busy lives because we fear feeling anxious, overwhelmed, embarrassed, or ashamed.
When you get good at feeling feelings, there is nothing to be afraid of because you trust yourself to handle any emotion that comes your way. A feeling shows up and you say hello to it. Close your eyes, give yourself 90 seconds to process it in the body, and then it moves on. Allowing yourself to feel anxiety and overwhelm without resisting them, will save you so much time, energy and hassle. When we RESIST emotions they can last forever, but feeling them is quick and relatively painless.

The second way to deal with this is to recognize that the reason we imagine feeling so terrible in the future is because we know what we are going to say to ourselves, about ourselves.

You don’t want your kids to die because you don’t want to feel despair. But even WORSE is when you are sad and grieving and a voice comes in to say, “I told you shouldn’t have let him eat that grape, or drive that car.” Or something really nasty like, “A good mom would've insisted on getting a second opinion.” That inner mean girl is who we ultimately fear.

If you were to build a more peaceful relationship with time, that inner mean girl may come in and tell you, “You are lazy. You are falling behind. You aren’t cut out for this. You don’t have time to relax because there is work to be done.” This inner mean girl is relentless. She is the cause of the shame, guilt, embarrassment, or despair. But guess who determines what that inner mean girl says to us inside our heads? WE DO! It might not seem like it, but learning to manage our minds is another worthwhile skill to have in your pocket to make life easier and more enjoyable.

Even when other people judge us, we still get decide what we say to ourselves about ourselves.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Trying to OPTIMIZE your day.

You’ve got a busy life with a lot going on so it makes sense you would want to optimize your time but trying to maximize every day is exhausting. Many moms who struggle with time anxiety strive everyday to spend their time in the most optimal way. It sounds lovely but it’s a kryptonite because when we DON’T meet our own high expectations, we feel defeated. We either optimize our time which temporarily silences the mean girl voice, (no high fives or celebrations mind you!) or we feel behind, stressed, and have to work even harder to quiet that inner mean girl voice. Hannah’s sentence “The idea that I can master motherhood is falling fast.” clued me in to some unconscious maximizing she might be doing. Either I’m MASTERING MOTHERHOOD or I’m…..what…..FAILING? This black and white thinking is exhausting and creates a toxic relationship with time.

Supermom Power Boost - It’s not all on you

It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you think everything is on you. It’s up to you to get your duckies moving in a line, it’s your responsibility to sign field trip forms, plan birthday parties, and bring snacks to softball games. Your job, house, pet care, sporting events, children’s schooling, safety, clothing, hygiene, social life, sleep, all seems like it’s all on your shoulders. It’s a lot and I get it, but it’s not ALL on you.

You are co-creating this life. There is a team helping you move your duckies forward. God or The Universe is helping you get things done. Games get rained out, kids get sick, lights turn green, and kids get good grades. Sometimes, without any effort on your part, things work out.

You are also co-creating with your kids. Sometimes, when you aren’t looking, kids become more capable. They bathe themselves and brush their own teeth. They pour their own cereal for breakfast and learn to use a microwave. Sometimes they complain so loudly and continuously about gymnastics that you decide it’s not worth it. Your kids are helping you create this life.

Pick a thought that feels good next time you are stressed about not getting it all done.

I am being guided.

I am co-creating this life.

This is the life I wanted. I have a full and busy life and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This is what I’m meant to be doing.

It wasn't a perfect day and that's ok.

I can only do what I can do.

I am open to receiving whatever the Universe delivers.

I am living aligned with my values.

Whatever happens is for my best and highest good.

 

Quotes by Julie Morgenstern:

“Insisting on doing everything yourself burdens you and prevents others from being valued and needed.”

“We all have different interests, skill sets, concentration cycles and energy levels. The key is to find out how long it really takes you to do the things you need to do and move away from wishful thinking.”

Resisting the Urge to Helicopter

Episode #146 - Resisting the Urge to Helicopter

 

Question of the Day:

Hi Torie,

What do I do when my high schooler won’t ask for help at school and his grades are suffering? 

My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses, most recently missing 7 days due to having Covid. His grades in several classes have plummeted.

I’m sympathetic to his situation - it’s not his fault that he has missed so much school, and getting behind in a bunch of classes and getting low grades feels awful. But the fact remains - he IS behind and he needs to work with his teachers in order to get caught up.

I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up. I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction, but he just shrugs. I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help. I’ve floated the idea of talking to his teachers myself and he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved. And while I want to respect his wishes as well as letting him have the experience of figuring all of this out… I can’t help but wonder if he’s in over his head and needs an adult to step in and coordinate Project Catch-up. Until this year, the academic aspects of school have been quite easy for him, so these struggles are new for us both. I appreciate your input.

Signed,

Resisting-the-urge-to-helicopter

Help for helicoptering

 

I love how you signed it “resisting the urge to helicopter”. It sounds like your anxiety about his grades is pretty loud in your head but your instincts are saying “something about this feels like overstepping”.  Instead of indulging your anxiety and ‘helicoptering’, you are resisting that action until all parts of you are in agreement. A great reminder that fear is LOUD, instincts are QUIET, and INTEGRITY is that feeling of being whole and aligned with your values.

Help for helicoptering

Help for helicoptering

Parent Educator Answer:  What conventional wisdom and advice can I offer?

You've already done a lot:

“I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up.”

“I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction, but he just shrugs.” 

“I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help.”

 

Normally I would suggest the problem solving technique where you write the problem at the top of the page. “Low grades due to absences” and then brainstorm solutions, taking turns so you each are writing down different ways to handle it. Come up with many possible solutions, then take turns crossing out the ones you don’t like, leaving one to two compromise solutions at the end that you both agree to. 

 

I’m not suggesting this technique here because of what you wrote here: “he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved.” 

 

The only advice I can recommend that you haven’t already done is to make sure he understands the consequences of his actions so that he knows what he is choosing.  

 

What are the natural consequences of a D or F ?

Would he go to summer school? Will he be preventing himself from getting into an AP class next year? Will it change which colleges he applies to or prevent him from graduating high school? 

 

Once he understands the consequences, he can decide if he’s ok with that. Maybe he’d rather get his GED and be done with school? Maybe he was planning to go to junior college first anyway and he doesn’t want to stress about it? Maybe he’s figured that he’s a sophomore and it’s the junior year grades that count the most so he’s not worrying about it? 

 

Helping him understand what the natural consequences are, can help him make an educated decision and choose his preferred course of action. 

 

Is it possible that your brain was so focused on PREVENTING him from getting low grades, that you aren’t even sure what the actual next steps would be? Summer school is a way more boring thing for the brain to think about than the catastrophizing scenario your anxiety brain can create. 

 

Let’s take a look at what’s blocking you from allowing your son to steer the ship of his own life.

Help for helicoptering

Life Coaching Answer: Separate the facts from our thoughts about them. 

 

Fact - My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses.

Fact - His grades in several classes have plummeted.

Fact - He is behind

Not a fact -  “He needs to work with his teachers in order to get caught up.” 

 

This is your belief that is causing you to lock in on one solution to his problem. When he resists the one solution, you feel stuck because you THINK it’s a fact. (You literally said, “the fact remains…) 

 

Fact - You’ve expressed your opinion about what you believe to be the most effective way to get his grades up. 

Fact - You’ve offered him help. 

Fact - He doesn’t want you to get involved. 

 

Thought - “He’s in over his head and NEEDS an adult to step in and coordinate Project Catch Up.”  

 

Look at how compelling this sentence is to a loving mom who wants the best for her son: 

 

“He NEEDS me! I can coordinate Project Catch Up! That sounds easy and fun and I know just what to do to fix his problem! Look at me putting on my Supermom Cape and sweeping in to solve my sick, helpless boy’s problem. What a good mom I am rescuing my son from failure!”

 

I love how crafty our Supermom brains are! Look at how you changed the helicoptering to sound so innocent: 

 

“I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up. I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction. I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help.”

Very matter of fact. 

But when you get to overstepping you change it to….

“I’ve floated the idea of talking to his teachers myself and he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved.” 

You aren’t an overbearing helicopter mom! You are a sweet innocent hot air balloon who just happens to be floating by and observing a DROWNING, HELPLESS BOY WHO IS OVER HIS HEAD AND NEEDS IMMEDIATE HELP! 

 

Whenever we offer help to our kids, make sure you view them as capable of solving their own problems. “You need my help” energy is very off putting and healthy, independent kids will run screaming for the hills.

 

To clean up your energy, we start with eliminating the cognitive dissonance. 

 

Cognitive dissonance is when two competing beliefs bounce around our brains at the same time, making us feel stuck and yuck.

 

The cognitive dissonance in today’s question is: 

“I want to respect his wishes and let him have the experience of figuring it all out.”

Vs. 

“I don’t want him to suffer any negative academic consequences from his illnesses.” 

 

Of course you don’t want him to suffer negative consequences from being sick, that doesn’t seem fair, but which of these beliefs is more reflective of the mom you want to be?

Do you want to be the mom who thinks grades are the most important thing?

Do you want to be a mom whose child never suffers or struggles?

Do you want to be the mom who trusts her 15 year old to solve his own problems? 

 

When my daughter planned a graduation trip in Barcelona for her and 10 friends, my anxiety was on high. This was new and uncomfortable for me. The one thing that helped me calm down enough to learn more about it was remembering the kind of mom I wanted to be. I wanted to be a mom who encourages her teen to travel internationally. I didn’t want to be the kind of mom who makes parenting decisions out of fear and passes down my anxiety. Could bad things happen? Sure. But the statistical probability that she would DIE in Spain (as my anxiety liked to imagine) was very low. 

 

Ask yourself, what is the worst thing that would happen if he gets D’s & F’s on his report card? Will he get so down on himself he’ll drop out of school, start doing drugs and become homeless?  Will this be the beginning of the end? Will his grades stay D’s and F’s and he’ll have to live with you for an extra 2 years while he attends community college? Will your off the grid summer plans get interrupted because he’ll need internet access to complete his summer school course work? 

 

Listen to that anxious brain, hear what it has to say, but don’t indulge it. Do math instead. What is the mathematical likelihood these scenarios will happen? Can I live with this consequence in order to live my values? 

 

1. First, separate out the facts from your thoughts about the facts. 
2. Notice how the anxiety brain is futurizing and catastrophizing. 
3. Do Math. What is the statistical probability that disaster will ensue? 
4. Identify the cognitive dissonance. What are the competing beliefs that are keeping you stuck? 
5. Connect with your values and who you want to be as a mom. 

 

Help for helicoptering

Help for helicoptering

Supermom Kryptonite - Intermittent Competence meets the Helping Tic

 

We EXPECT our child’s progress to be this smooth upward trajectory towards independence. They figure out the dmv website, sign up for driver’s ed, and pass their permit test without any input from mom. We think, “this is amazing, my work here is done!” But then prom season arrives and they can’t figure out where it is, when it is, how to buy a ticket, which of their friends is going, what the dress code is or how much it costs. We get frustrated that something so easy seems like an insurmountable task. This is intermittent competence and it’s very normal with teens. 

 

When this typical teen has a mom who loves to help people feel better and solve problems, it becomes today’s kryptonite. 

 

Some of us are BORN to help others. We see someone in need and we jump up to help. When anyone (but especially someone we care about!) appears lost, confused, uncertain, unhappy or unwell, our bodies react instinctively like we have an uncontrollable tic. 

 

Tics are sudden twitches, movements, or sounds that people do repeatedly. A person with a motor tic might blink repeatedly, a person with a vocal tic might grunt repeatedly, and a mom with a helping tic might jump in repeatedly and offer to help with enthusiasm! 

 

If you’ve got a helping tic, and you are living with a sometimes competent teen, give yourself some grace. Be really proud of yourself for resisting the urge to step in and take over. You are being triggered daily! Maybe even multiple times a day! Every time you ask the question, “would you like my help?” instead of jumping in, give yourself a reward! 

 

[caption id="attachment_9301" align="aligncenter" width="652"] Stressed young woman in checkered shirt standing with hands near temples near concrete wall with colorful brain sketch. Concept of studying too much[/caption]

 

Supermom Powerboost - The Metaphor Game 

 

You can play by yourself or with kids but it's especially helpful when you have a problem you are trying to solve.

It works with anything but let’s imagine you see a weeping willow tree with limbs dangling over a still pond. Ask yourself, “How is my situation with my son’s grades like this willow tree?” 

Let your right brain come up with a creative response like, 

“I’m like the long limbs dangling into the pond, and my son is the pond. I’m trying to insert myself even though the pond doesn’t really need me in the water with him. He likes me being nearby, providing shade and a calm presence, but I can mind my own business and trust that my presence here is enough.” 

 

Or maybe you see a flock of birds flying above and ask, “How is my situation like that flock of birds?” Use your imagination to help guide you toward a solution. 

“I’m like the lead bird, taking my flock in the direction I know is best for everyone. One bird has gone rogue and is flying in a direction I don’t want him to. How can I steer him back in my direction? Maybe we can follow him for a while and see if he’s got a better idea? Maybe it’s time for him to lead his own flock and this makes me sad, but that’s ok?” 

 

Anxiety is on the left hemisphere of the brain. Metaphors bring us over to the right hemisphere of our brains where we have access to creative problem solving and outside the box thinking. 

 

Quote of the Day

“If you want to enter a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.” Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Understanding Sensory Seeking and Hypersensitive Children

Episode #145

Today's podcast episode is the episode I wish I had when my first born was little.

Today we are talking all things sensitive and sensory with Melissa Schwartz from www.LeadingEdgeParenting.com

If your kid is HYPERsensitive, you are probably already aware of it. It usually shows up the first few years with a sensitivity to lights, noises, textures, smells and tastes. They might be easily overstimulated and have long lasting meltdowns when exposed to too much stimulation. Kids whose sensory information is disorganized might be light sleepers, sensitive to pain, refuse to wear sunscreen or certain clothes, reluctant huggers, or prone to anxiety.

If your child is emotionally sensitive you probably notice this, too. These kids cry when others cry, they don't like intense TV scenes or movies, they might be tuned in to your emotions and feel depleted after being in large groups. Perhaps they struggle extra hard with coaches who yell, friends who are mean, and chaotic environments. If your child has stopped eating meat, it's probably out of sensitivity to animals or our planet.

But if your child is HYPOsensitive, you might not notice these symptoms as much. These kids can complain very little. You might notice they are clumsy, always have things in their mouth, they are more likely to wet their pants than throw a tantrum. These kids have a high tolerance for pain, noise, excitement, and seek out stimulating activities. They might fill their mouths or bellies full of food so they can experience the feeling of being full, or they may skip meals because they can't recognize the inner sensation of hunger. If your kid loves wrestling, climbing up high places, making messes and eating salty, crunchy, chewy food, you might have a sensory seeking child.

Melissa was born an intense, sensitive, empathic, power seeker. She is a respected expert in the field of Highly Sensitive Children and brings clarity, personal experience and compassion for parents raising HSCs. Her intuitive ability to decode misbehavior and her passion for giving a voice to the legitimate needs of children naturally evolved into becoming the co-creator of Leading Edge Parenting and co-author of Authentic Parenting Power and Rico’s Bumpy Week. She is an internationally acclaimed author, coach and public speaker bringing new perspective based on current research and personal experience to transform the field of child development. Melissa is a Stanford University alumna and a graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. She lives with her family in Southern California and coaches parents around the world.

Leading Edge Parenting Facebook Group

"Authentic Parenting Power" book --

"Rico the Race Car" children's book --

How much involvement with teen friendships and dating should mom have?

Episode #144 How much involvement is too much when it comes to teenage dating and friendships?

 

Dear Torie,

How do I guide my son as he enters and navigates the world of dating and new friendships?

We recently started a new school (at age 13) and he is spending his time with a new group of kids. I want to teach him to look for healthy relationships, both in dating and friendships, but I also want him to be aware of signs of toxic behavior, jealousy, attention seeking girls, trust, morals, etc. 

 

We live in a social media obsessed, poor emotional communication skills world, and sometimes it seems like I’m the only one still trying to guide him through at this age. I’m hoping to prevent false friendships or “frenemy” type relationships. I want him to recognize when someone is a genuine good friend, without giving too much input. When my kids were younger, I would interject freely as needed for guidance. With the new school and the big peer change, I feel conflicted on how much involvement is too much mom involvement. 

Nicole

 

Parent Educator Answer: How to guide teenagers to make good relationship choices. 

 

It’s easy to impart our wisdom and guide teenagers when they come to us with specific problems or complaints about friendships. 

“Diego invited me to his birthday party, but he didn’t invite Sam. Sam asked me to hang out this Saturday during Diego’s birthday party. What should I do?” 

 

or

 

“Kylie keeps texting me asking why I’m not texting her back. It’s getting super annoying. How do I get her to leave me alone?” 

 

For a mom who wants to guide her kids’ social relationships, this is music to the ears. A real life situation and a kid who is asking mom for advice. 

 

The best way for me to answer Nicole’s question “How to guide teens to make good choices” is to help get her into a position where her kid comes to her for help with real life problems. 

 

Opening up the lines of communication between parents and tweens is the main purpose of my Time for The Talk class. When you show your kid you can talk about sexuality in a relaxed and open way, they learn you are open to talking about other difficult topics as well. Time for The Talk class starts February 15th and it’s the only one I’m teaching this year so if you have a 9-12 year old, or a young 13 year old, sign up at www.TimeforTheTalk.com 

 

Let's look at this way. A 13 year old’s job is to fire their parent. To communicate to parents in words and actions, “Your work here is done.”

“I have internalized everything you taught me over the last 13 years, you are a very loud voice in my head that will never go away. Now I need to make room for other voices inside my head. I want to make room for what my teachers, coaches, authors and idols have to say. I want to make room for my friend’s opinions, and those I follow on social media. I still want to know what you think about the complex decisions I will need to make, but I want to have some new experiences and have room to learn from my own mistakes. I want your input, but I want to come to my own conclusions about what I think and believe to be true and right for me.”

 

While a kid’s job is to fire their parents, a parent’s job is to earn a place at the board of director’s table. To demonstrate, to your child, that you can provide wisdom and guidance when asked. To show your kid you are willing and available to discuss difficult topics, while respecting their journey and allowing mistakes to be made without overreacting.

 

13 is the perfect age for parents to switch from being the authoritative parent with all the answers, to being your child’s coach. The coach is there to help the child get what THEY want. The coach has been through it before and now, with an outsider’s perspective, can offer wisdom and experience to the player. The coach isn’t on the field playing the game, they are the one to turn to when things get tough, or when kid’s can’t see the forest for the trees. The coach doesn’t worry about the player because they know failing, losing and getting hurt are all part of the process of working towards their goals. 

 

Nicole’s problem is that there are no real problems to solve yet. What she can do in the meantime is talk, out loud, about her own friendship struggles. 

How do you handle it when you said yes to a social engagement that you really don’t want to attend? 

What do you say to friends who are needy or passive aggressive? 

When you find out you have been left out of a social gathering, or being lied to, how do you handle that situation?

How do you handle it when friends share inappropriate content with you? 

Relationships are messy. There is no perfect way to navigate through every social situation. When you are open and can discuss them without judgement of right/wrong, good/bad, your child will learn that you are the perfect person to come to when struggles emerge. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from becoming our child’s coach instead of parent?

What keeps us from the neutral, emotionally detached seat at the board of directors table?

Fear of being a “bad mom” and fear of losing our role in our child’s life. 

 

There is a sneaky little cultural belief that has slipped into our subconscious minds causing us to WORRY about our kids. This pervasive cultural belief sounds like “A good mom should prevent her child from negative emotions and negative experiences.” or “If my child gets involved in a toxic relationship, I have somehow failed as his mother.” 

 

When we think our job is to prevent problems from occurring, we get ATTACHED to the outcome. We care, too much, about making sure our child only has positive experiences. When our child gets caught up in a frenemy situation, we think we’ve failed to do our job properly. We don’t want to fail, so we try to prevent our kids from having negative experiences.

 

When we try to guide and educate from fear, it comes across to our teens as “I don’t trust you to make good decisions on your own.” “I don’t trust that the last 10 years of my teachings has been enough.” “I don’t trust your friends to be nice to you, or for you to be able to handle it without my help.” 

When we WORRY instead of TRUST, it closes off communication. It either makes kids not want to come to you with problems because they don't want you to worry or not trust them, or it makes them scared of getting into relationships altogether. 

 

The other obstacle that gets in our way is a fear of losing our role as mom. It sounds like Nicole has been very involved in her son’s life, education (WE changed schools) and social life for the last 13 years. When you’ve built so much of your life and identity around being an involved mom, it’s really scary to let go of it. In my Leading Your Teen coaching program, we devote significant time to letting go of this role because it is a big obstacle to us, being the mom we want to be, to our adolescents. 

 

The antidote to worry, is trust. But in order to access it, we have to shake off the belief that our job as moms is to prevent our children from having negative experiences. We also need to let go of the wonderful time we had raising our kid, to make room for the experience of raising an adolescent, whose job is to make mistakes.

Remind yourself that unsavory social relationships are a part of life. When kids enter into toxic relationships, they get a quick lesson in what they DON'T want, making it suddenly very clear and important what they DO want. These unhealthy relationships help us appreciate the healthy ones and make us determined to make smart choices with future friends and romantic partners. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Waiting until your kid leaves the house to rediscover yourself.

Rediscover is such a good word. It means to discover something again that has been ignored or forgotten. When your child turns 13, or starts pushing you away, yearning for separation, it is the perfect time to rediscover the sides of ourselves that got buried while parenting. 

 

If we wait until our child turns 18, or leaves the house, we run the risk of parenting from fear. Fear of not being needed, fear of an empty life, fear of losing our identity as mom. Fear, unchecked, turns into need, dependency and control. When we NEED our kids to stay dependent on us, it makes us dependent on them, which doesn’t feel good. When we feel we are losing control, we cling more tightly, making our kids push us even harder away. 

So waiting until your kid leaves the house to rediscover yourself is today’s Supermom Kryptonite. 

Start now, while you are still entrenched in the day-to-day busyness of raising a teenager who is still dependent on you. Think back to the time before kids, what did you used to do for fun? Is there a way you can incorporate that into your life now? 

Maybe you used to wait tables or go out dancing in night clubs to pick up hotties. Notice the voice that comes in and says, “but I don’t want to do that now”. This naysayer voice will keep you stuck but don’t let it. Get general instead of specific. 

Ask what about that activity was most enjoyable? If it was dancing you liked, there are many ways to do that now. Was it getting dressed up with your girlfriends or the excitement of a crowded place? Come join me in Mardi Gras! Did you love the unpredictability of a night out?  Pick a day and drive to a new location. Instead of making plans, just allow the day to unfold, doing whatever you feel like doing in that moment. 

 

Reconnecting to what used to be fun before kids, will make the empty nest sting less. Start now building a life that is more YOU focused, and less kid focused. Your teen will enjoy the reduced pressure your attention on him sometimes offer. He will enjoy seeing you try new things, grow in new, uncomfortable directions, just like he is. You can share embarrassing stories of putting yourself out there only to get rejected. Role modeling instead of lecturing is much more powerful.

Rediscover the part of you that parenting buried so you can diversify your joy. When parenting isn’t the main source of joy and purpose, it makes it easier to let go and trust your kid to come to you if he needs help. 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Listen to your gut 

 

We cannot prevent our kids from negative emotions, or negative experiences, nor should we. But we can help them learn to trust their gut. “Listening to your intuition” “The still voice in your head” are very abstract terms for our literal kiddos. 

 

To make it more concrete, point out what you see and hear. “I notice you laugh more when Dante is around.” “Whenever you sleepover at Reece’s house, you seem extra cranky the next day.” “You have the same complaint about basketball every year.” “I see you light up when you are at drama practice.” Our brains can talk us into anything but our bodies show the truth. Pointing out what we see can help our kids cut through the mental clutter and know the truth. 

When they do come to you with advice asking, "What should I do about so and so?" Ask them questions in return. What do you like about it? What is your gut telling you? “What do you know to be true about you?” can help your child tune into their intuition and instinctual intelligence. 

 

Quote of the Day: “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but won’t get you anywhere.” Erma Bombeck 

 

Am I tired because my hormones are out of whack?

Episode #143 - Are My Hormones Out of Whack? Understanding Fatigue with Functional Medicine

When clients get on a coaching call with me, sometimes they start the conversation with "I don't know if it's just my hormones but I've been super tired and cranky lately."

If are tired of feeling tired, and aren't sure if life coaching or health coaching is right for you, today's podcast is a great place to start.

Today I interview Heidi Toy from www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com

Heidi Toy is a certified functional nutritional therapist (FNTP), certified functional medicine practitioner (CFMP), and owner of Heidi Toy Functional Medicine. After her own health crisis, she left her career as a senior product manager to gain her functional medicine certification through the Nutritional Therapy Association in 2013 and then went on to be mentored and trained by Dr. Dan Kalish at the Kalish Institute for Functional Medicine and Dr. Kharrazian at the Kharrazian Institute. She’s helped over 1600 people heal from their health concerns and find more energy by bringing the body systems into balance.

You can get her free “Take Back My Energy Quick Guide” or learn more about her practice by visiting her website www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com.

 

Heidi and I talk about the root cause of fatigue falling into 3 categories:

1. Emotional Stress

2. Dietary Stress

3. Hidden Pain/Inflammation

 

Heidi and Torie will answer these questions and more:

Everyone is tired. Why is it something to even address beyond a cup of coffee each morning?

What’s the real reason people are tired all the time?

How do you address the root causes?

How do you actually heal from them?

 

Follow Heidi Toy Functional Medicine on Facebook and Instagram.

Sign up for her Take Back My Energy Workbook at www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com.

 

The right way and wrong way to do a vision board

Episode #142 Is there a RIGHT and WRONG way to do a vision board?

I have been doing vision board workshops for so long that it feels like there is.

My next workshop is coming up on Saturday, January 21st and you are ALL invited to join me on Zoom but it's especially valuable for those who find themselves:

• On the precipice of something new. You feel dissatisfied, fed up, annoyed or tired. You yearn for a change but you aren't sure what it is.
• You don't want to be a bystander in your life. You want to intentionally create something new. Maybe it's a deeper connection with your spirit, a new career, a new home environment, a new relationship with your kids, your body, your husband, anyone.
• Changes are happening around you that you aren't happy about. You need a way to navigate through these changes that gives you peace and clarity.

A vision board (DONE RIGHT!)  is your own internal GPS that comes from YOUR higher self, to guide you into your future.

But is there a RIGHT and WRONG way to do a vision board? 

A better way to say it is that there is a RIGHT and a LEFT way to do a vision board.

The LEFT way is to think about your future from your left hemisphere of your brain. The left hemisphere is logical, it remembers the past and plans for the future. It's very aware of what I SHOULD want to create.

My LEFT brain looks in the mirror and tells me "I'm looking old and should probably invest in some anti-aging skin care routines."

My LEFT brain is aware of what others are doing and thinks, "I should have a regular fitness routine and stop eating bread and sugar."

My LEFT brain says "A good mom would have a relationship with her kids and husband that looks like _________."

If I was to cut out photos from this left brain, I would have a vision board filled with "shoulds". Imagery that comes from lack, of "I'm not good enough as I am, therefore I will change these things and then I will be better." The left brain can also create vision boards that represent "things I want that I don't currently have". We look at these pictures and we get sad or frustrated at the ABSENCE of them in our lives.

Lack does not put us in an emotional energy state to manifest our desires. It only makes us more aware of what we DON'T already have. When our desires don't manifest, we feel frustrated or like failures. This energy only pushes us FURTHER from what we want.

 

Creating a vision board from our RIGHT brain connects us with our higher, more intuitive self. We leave behind the judgmental left brain and spend time with our creative right brain. Using emotions, imagery, and intuition, we connect to our higher self who knows what is right for us.

A life coach cannot tell you what is right or wrong for you and your life. Only your higher self knows. So my job is to connect you to your higher self so you know what you really, really want, and then help you overcome the obstacles that your left brain puts in your path.

We will do all of these things in the workshop.

1. Get you clear on what you want. What is your higher self guiding you to next?
2. Identify the obstacles that will get in your way and make a plan to overcome them. get into alignment with your dreams
3. Create small action steps, aligned with your higher self, to build momentum towards creating your best life.

You can go to www.lifecoachingforparents.com/online-vision-board-workshop to sign up. Price goes up after the 16th of January.

When you create from this intuitive, higher RIGHT brain, things feel effortless. This is where weird coincidences come in that you didn't expect. Work feels easy, like the road rises up to greet you. You feel like the Universe has your back and you begin to trust that things aren't happening TO YOU, they are happening FOR YOU.

I hadn't really experienced the magic of vision boards until we bought our lake house in 2020. Before that I was skeptical but optimistic. The way that all went down with so much ease and coincidence, really blew my mind. I could look back and see how I had taken all the steps to make this dream come true, but not from my conscious thinking brain.

At the end of 2022, when I took my vision board out to review, I was blown away. Usually my vision boards have pictures of cute bathrooms, organized bookshelves, backyard patios (I'm an HGTV girl!). My vision board from this time last year had none of this. Every picture was outside, dwellings were very minimal, just a floor and a hammock with a big view of nature. I was curious about this but I didn't know what it meant. (My left brain told me I was probably just craving outside time because it was winter).

But in September of this year, my husband and I decided to sell our primary residence so we can travel and work abroad. Packing up the house we raised our kids in is no easy feat. It took me a long time to make the decision. My parents still live in the house I grew up in so it feels like I'm doing something wrong. My daughter is not happy and does not want us to sell. Every time I have a pleasant conversation with a neighbor I get sad about leaving such a wonderful neighborhood.

However, yesterday morning I got up and the first thing I wanted to do was to find garbage. I was EXCITED to THROW STUFF AWAY! I had arranged an extra pickup with the garbage company and they said I could put out 12 bags and I still had room left. To be full of energy at 7:30 am to collect garbage is NOT MY NORMAL. That's how I know I am aligned with universal energy.

I don't have to muster up the energy to declutter, I WANT to declutter. I still get overwhelmed with the disorganization and the ridiculously long to-do list, but I take breaks and rest my back, and then I'm excited to get back to it.

Last January, I had no idea this is what I'd be doing in 2022. But my higher self was guiding me towards the great outdoors, towards freedom, and towards a wild new adventure.

Who knows which country or beautiful place I'll be coaching my clients from? but I'm excited to do my vision board and find out what is calling me in 2023.

So this Saturday, January 21st, join me for this online vision board retreat. Find a cozy place to snuggle in with magazines, scissors, paper and glue. Tell your family you signed up for an online class and you aren't to be disturbed (or invite your family to join you!). Get the early bird discount by signing up today www.lifecoachingforparents.com/online-vision-board-workshop.

Questions:

I can't come on the 21st but I'm interested. Will there be a recording?

yes, I will send you the recording link and you can do it with your friends, family, or when it's convenient for you.

 

3 hours seems like a long time, what will we do?

It will go fast! There will be bathroom breaks, quiet time, it will feel like a retreat.

 

What if I'm in a dark place? 

Give it a try. Nothing can raise a vibration like being around other positive people.

 

What if I know what I want but I can't have it? 

Go broad. Instead of focusing on specifics, go more general.