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You love being a mom but get overwhelmed, lost and resentful by all the parenting responsibilities. Listen as life coach, teacher and parent educator, Torie Henderson, answers common parenting dilemmas from hard working Supermoms. Are you exhausted from working hard all day but still feel like you haven’t accomplished anything? Do you want to feel calm, energized and in control? Then this podcast is for you.
Episodes
Thursday Jan 05, 2023
Thursday Jan 05, 2023
?most? Why is my kid so ungrateful after Christmas?
Question of the Day:
Dear Torie,
I should have seen it coming.
The hype and high expectations for Christmas to be “the most wonderful time of the year” seems to cause my child to melt down after all the gifts have been opened.
I’m seeing the pattern now after the last few birthdays and Christmasses. Something minor will trigger her (and it could be ANYTHING!) and she’ll end up in tears.
What really sets me off is that she sounds so ungrateful!
All the time, effort, money and energy that I put into giving her a magical Christmas feels wasted. When she’s crying and yelling about not getting the exact COLOR of the gift she wanted, she sounds so bratty and entitled. I just want to scream right back and not give her anything next year so she can be grateful for what she does get.
But of course, a year later, I’m back to spoiling her and trying to make her happy.
How can I make my child appreciate what she receives, remember it’s the thought that counts, and focus on the spirit of giving, not the actual gift?
So far, her younger sister does not copy her behavior and I want to figure this out before she does.
What’s the best way to handle this ungrateful behavior and prevent future meltdowns?
Emily
Parent Educator Answer:
What goes up, must come down.
It is not unusual for the anticipation and excitement of holidays and birthdays to cause a “crash” when things die down.
With all the hype from Christmas movies, Santa stories, and family traditions setting expectations high, it’s only natural for there to be disappointment afterward.
Top 3 reasons why kids melt down after a holiday:
1. The reality doesn’t measure up to their high expectations causing disappointment.
2. There are a lot of emotions around the holidays and crying is a healthy release for them. Crying and yelling have a negative connotation but it’s actually a way to discharge emotional distress and bring kids back to normal.
3. They are out of their routine. Some kids are especially sensitive to disruptions in routine, even for fun and exciting reasons. Traveling, staying up late, having family visit, eating different food, can make kids extra cranky and prone to meltdowns.
The best way to prepare for future meltdowns is to normalize it. How many Christmas movies have you watched where kids are throwing tantrums and crying? Not many. We think this is abnormal and inappropriate behavior, but is it?
Watch and see if your kids look for things to be upset about. Maybe they overreact to a stubbed toe or a sibling slight, just as an excuse to discharge the pent up emotions of the day?
You can also help your kids by maintaining a similar routine during the holidays and preparing them for disappointment.
Having words to put onto overwhelming feelings can really help your kids manage their emotions. Print out a page of emoji’s or ‘feeling faces’ and post it on the fridge. Everyday, identify how you feel: enthusiastic, disappointed, irritable, because when you can name it, you can tame it.
Use emotional times to help expand your kids’ emotional vocabulary.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from normalizing holiday meltdowns and preparing our kids for disappointment?
Our interpretation of their “ungrateful” behavior.
When we view our kids as being “ungrateful” or “entitled” we get enraged. It fires us up and makes us angry. We want to withdraw our kid’s privileges (which may not be a problem) but we also withdraw our kindness and our compassion (which can be a problem).
You can decide to give kids fewer gifts next year from a place of love, not anger.
You can teach kids how to appreciate gift giving and receiving with kindness, not frustration.
Viewing our children’s behavior as “ungrateful” is just our perception, and it’s an interpretation that does not help us parent in a way we are proud of.
Instead, think of their behavior as a result of emotional overwhelm. None of us are at our best when we are tired, cranky, and ate too much sugar. Think of all the adults having temper tantrums in airports this holiday season!
When your kid complains about their gifts not being perfect, just remind yourself that it’s not about the gifts. It’s a simple case of what goes up, must come down.
One of the best ways to help them cope with holiday hype, is to get them involved in the process. As you may have noticed, when you are responsible for ‘making magic’, it doesn’t feel so magical, it feels like hard work. Invite your child to get involved in the GIVING to take the focus off receiving. Bake cookies for the neighbors, make an ornament for teacher, move the elf on the shelf for little sister, wrap a present for grandma. She might still meltdown on Christmas but she will understand and appreciate the effort that goes into giving, bringing the holiday, and her expectations, back down to earth.
Supermom Kryptonite: Using New Year’s Resolution to “fix what’s broken”
When we see ourselves as problems to be fixed, and we set New Year’s Resolutions from that mindset, we set ourselves up for failure.
We love the perfectionistic fantasy that 2023 will turn us into a completely different person. It gives us a little dopamine high to imagine we can leave all our imperfections behind in 2022 and suddenly become a disciplined, energetic, patient, plant-based, exercise-loving, self-prioritizing enthusiast.
As fun as this fantasy is, it is today’s kryptonite because three weeks from now, when you are back to your old self, you’ve piled another “failure” onto your psyche.
DO NOT MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FROM NOT ENOUGHNESS.
You are not a problem to be fixed. You are a wonderful, amazing person who loves to grow and expand in beautiful new directions!
Before you make any resolutions, look back at 2022 and write down 20 things that are wonderful about you.
What did you love the most
Where did you feel most alive?
What are you most proud of? What did you work hardest to achieve?
Which experiences did you create for your family that went really well?
Are there routines and traditions did you maintain?
Where did you break from expectations that worked for you?
Who is someone that really valued your presence in their life?
Who were you really grateful to have with you last year?
DO NOT SET A GOAL UNTIL YOU ARE MARINATING IN YOUR OWN AWESOMESAUCE.
Choose which area to expand from believing you are already good enough as you are.
Supermom Power Boost - Set the intention to “BE MORE ME in 2023”
Many Supermoms think energy is static. Either you are a high energy person, or a low energy person. You have it in the morning and it’s drained by evening.
But energy is something you can CREATE. If you feel low on energy, and want more, you can GENERATE more energy!
One of the best ways I’ve found to generate energy is by creating a vision board. This isn’t just a visual representation of your goals. There is a certain technique I’ve perfected over the years that cuts through the mental clutter and connects us with our higher self.
We are socialized to think we should all want the same things: Skinny, fit bodies. Lots of money. Nicely organized houses. Enriching activities for the kids. Relaxing vacations.
Our culture tells us what we should want, but it’s our HIGHER SELF that knows what is really right for us. Learning how to listen to this still small voice is the key to creating a truly enriching and meaningful life.
Sign up today for the online vision board party on Saturday, January 21st from 9-12pm PT / 12-3pm ET.
The first hour we’ll talk about how to tell the difference between the socialized brain telling you what you “should” want, and the intuitive brain, guiding you in a direction right for YOU.
The second hour, we’ll be looking through magazine photos, listening to our higher selves, and creating a physical vision for what we want in 2023.
The third hour, we’ll use the messages from our higher self to set specific goals. How do we take our knowledge and vision, overcome our fears, to bring in “MORE OF ME IN 2023”.
Go to www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/vision-board
[maxbutton id="4" url="https://lifecoachingforparents.com/vision-board" text="LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS MONTH'S VISION BOARD WORKSHOP " ]
Tuesday Dec 13, 2022
Tuesday Dec 13, 2022
Homesick College Freshman
Episode #140 My College Freshman Wants to Move Back Home.
How do I help him?
Question of the Day:
Dear Torie
My son is a freshman in college, living in the dorms and struggling as many do. He’s a few states away but has been home twice already to visit. Classes and roommates are fine, it’s just harder than he thought it was going to be to make friends.
He’s an introvert by nature so initiating social interactions is far outside his comfort zone. He feels like a fish out of water. He misses his home, his mom’s cooking, his dogs, and is talking about moving back to go to our local community college.
His Dad is encouraging to join clubs and get more involved which I’m sure would help but it’s just so hard for him. Part of me wants to open my arms and welcome him back home, but the other part of me knows this is a huge learning experience and I don’t want him to miss out on this growth opportunity.
Is it better to encourage him to stick it out, or let him know he can always come back? How do I help my homesick college freshman?
Davina
[caption id="attachment_7109" align="aligncenter" width="596"]
Homesick College Freshman[/caption]
Parent Educator Answer:
You sound like a very loving and caring momma which is exactly what your son needs at this stage of life. The good news is, you don’t really need to choose one or the other. You can encourage him to stick it out, AND let him know he can come back if he chooses to. The best thing you can do is listen and be a sounding board for him as he works through this challenging time.
Going away to college is a HUGE transition in a person’s life. The independence, the lack of structure, the new people, the way one eats, sharing a room with strangers, it’s OVERWHELMING! Teens are usually coming from a very busy, jam packed high school schedule, where they have very little say. Then suddenly their schedule has a lot of down time and no one is going to fill it for them.
We all go through big transitions in our lives but going from a kid to an adult, living on a college campus with all these changes to navigate, is one of the top 5 big ones.
Think back into your child’s past. How have they handled transitions when they were younger? Did they embrace novelty? Did they resist until it happened and then settled in? When they’ve traveled or went to sleepaway camp, did they have a tough time adjusting to a new routine? Or did they come home because they couldn’t adjust?
My daughter was a nightmare when we took her to Australia as a toddler. She hated everything being new and different, complained everyday until we were flying back home when she sweetly commented, “That was fun, when are we going back?”
Your child has a history of how he handled previous transitions. Look for a pattern and share it with him. Maybe he can pull from past experiences to gain wisdom for handling today’s challenge.
Think of your child as a caterpillar. As he goes through school, he grows bigger and bigger, until you’ve got an 18 year old fully grown caterpillar.
Then college comes. Most kids don’t immediately grow wings and become a butterfly in the first week. Usually they go through this weird phase of “Who am I now?” I’m still the same person but I live in a different place with different people. I have more responsibilities and more independence but I don’t feel like I’ve got my act together. It’s this uncomfortable phase of not being a caterpillar, but also not being a butterfly. This liminal phase of life feels really awkward so it’s really common for kids to want to bail and come back home to where they were last comfortable.
The kids who get through the liminal phase the fastest are the ones who are socially outgoing, feel confident joining groups and meeting strangers. But this requires tremendous courage when it’s not in your nature. It’s hard to be brave and socially confident when you feel like a fish out of water.
Most college freshman say something like this:
“I’m pretty sure everyone else is doing it right and I am doing it wrong.”
“Everyone else is going to parties but no one is inviting me.”
“Everyone else is making connections and having fun so there must be something wrong with me.”
It reminds me of a statistic from researcher Dr. Joanne Deak who found that 86% of all middle schoolers feel socially on the outside. If the majority of people are on the out, who’s in? That’s a pretty big group of social misfits. And of course seeing Instagram photos of people having fun makes it easy to believe you are alone in your aloneness.
The key is to let your son know that feeling awkward MEANS he’s doing it right. It’s ok to not know, to feel lost, scared, overwhelmed and confused. He’s not a caterpillar, and he’s not a butterfly yet either. He’s just goo, looking for a chrysalis to help him feel safe.
It is normal to want to go back to the last place he felt grounded and comfortable. But moving home is still going to feel awkward. His high school friends will have moved on. He won’t have the same routine he had. Things have changed. The forming butterfly can’t go back to being a caterpillar.
Part of becoming that butterfly is learning to make big decisions about your life. Parents can listen, encourage, and be supportive to whatever he decides is right for him. There are many paths to success and there is no one right way to maneuver through this stage of life. Some kids need to spend a little longer in the chrysalis before they are ready to break free.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from being supportive, encouraging and NEUTRAL in our opinions?
We think we know what’s best for our kids….and a lot of the time we are right.
BUT
Our kids aren’t supposed to go through life without hiccups, detours and rocky roads! They NEED to make mistakes so they can learn from first hand experience.
When a butterfly is fully formed it starts pushing and struggling to break free from the chrysalis. If a human comes along to try and help the butterfly break free, the butterfly dies. The struggle is key to the butterfly’s success. It’s through the pushing and the effort that the butterfly develops the strength it needs to fly.
When we try to “rescue” our kids from struggle or arrange their lives so they only experience positive emotions, we rob them of developing the strength and grit they need to overcome future challenges.
What gets in our way from supportive listening? Difficulty watching our children struggle.
There are 2 ways we TRY to help that don’t usually work:
- We feel bad for them and with them. This can make them feel better but it makes us feel worse! We hang up the phone agonizing about how miserable our child is, suffering until we talk to them again, only to discover they felt fine the whole time.
- We tell them what to do to feel better. This makes us feel better because we think we have the solution to their problem, but it makes them feel worse because this is THEIR problem to solve and their struggle is serving a purpose. When we tell them what to do, they feel less capable and don’t learn the lesson that the struggle is their to teach.
Watching a child struggle, without the parent struggling alongside, is something I work on a lot with my clients (and myself!) but it is possible. It’s reminding yourself that this is THEIR journey and they are learning things through this experience that you could never teach them.
It’s showing your child that you have faith in THEIR ability to solve their own problems.
You will offer your opinion if it’s asked, but trust them to figure things out in a way that is right for them.
Supermom Kryptonite: High Speed Living
When everyone around us is rushing, it feels like rushing is the thing to do. Our friend talks fast, we talk fast back. We multitask: we schedule appointments at red lights, we shop online while waiting for our kid’s music recital to begin, we eat in the car, we talk while we walk, we are a culture that worships being busy. It feels normal because everyone around us is doing it but it drains our energy.
Sure we get a surge of adrenaline from moving fast and being busy, but it’s like too much caffeine, eventually burn out, hit a wall, and crash.
If you move through your day like a chicken with it’s head cut off, find some other animals whose energy you would like to channel.
Make time to be more like a fish, swimming from thing to thing with graceful ease.
Try being an owl, observing your life from above, making wise choices and being deliberate with your intention.
When can you turn on sloth mode and move slowly? Try talking slower, moving your body slower, breathing slower, you will be amazed at how relaxed you feel.
Supermom Power Boost: Holiday Crazies Challenge
I was talking with a client and she said “I wish moms had a class dojo app like my kids do where we get points just for showing up, being on time, and getting our work done.” and it reminded me, I HAVE THAT! It’s called The Holiday Crazies Supermom Challenge. It’s just for this time of year. You earn points for doing all the extra things that show up every December, but you earn EVEN MORE points when you DON’T do all the things!
If you muster up the energy and creativity to do Elf on The Shelf, you get 20 points. When you bail on the Elf after 2 days, you get 50 points! Give a gift to a teacher, 10 points for you! If you bought a gift for yourself, go ahead and take 50 points!
[caption id="attachment_13838" align="aligncenter" width="737"]
Homesick College Freshman[/caption]
Don’t wait for your family to show appreciation for your hard work, appreciate yourself now by joining the Holiday Crazies Supermom Challenge inside the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group.
You deserve some credit for all you do to make this time of year special.
Quote of the Day: Strength and growth only come through continuous effort and struggle. Napoleon Hill
Tuesday Nov 29, 2022
Tuesday Nov 29, 2022
How Less Stuff Makes Us Happier
Interview with Krista Lockwood, founder of Motherhood Simplified
With the frenzie of Black Friday shopping behind us, but more consuming ahead of us, now is the perfect time to hear from Krista Lockwood. Krista is a mom of 5 who teaches other moms how to de-clutter without becoming a full blown minimalist.
Krista stumbled accidentally into living a life without clutter when she moved from Alaska to Florida with her four children. While living in a nearly empty home, she noticed how much more energy and free time she had, without all the stuff.
Instead of always feeling like she needed to escape her busy working mom life, suddenly she felt relaxed. She felt less stimulated and more able enjoy quality time with her kids. She learned to set clear boundaries with bringing new stuff into her home, which helped her set boundaries in other areas as well. The less STUFF she had, the fewer decisions there were to make. Cleaning up became a breeze.
Krista had more time to spend on quality experiences with herself, her husband and her children. She made it her mission to help other moms discover the benefits that de-cluttering and simplifying can give.
This was an inspiring conversation that I'm sure you will enjoy as much as I did.
Krista's Supermom Kryptonite: The story you tell yourself about your clutter.
When you make your mess mean something negative about yourself like, "I'm lazy, disorganized, failing, and don't have my act together" it prevents you from taking action. Learn to detach from these stories and you will have more energy to make changes. You aren't too messy or lazy, you are simply a good mom with too much stuff to manage.
Supermom Power Boost: The night stand.
When you have a clutter filled night stand, it's like looking at your to-do list before going to sleep at night, the time of day when you want to wind down. Make sure your side of the bed is relaxing and soothing to set the stage for a great start and end to your day.
You can use this link to join Krista's Motherhood Simplified Facebook Group
https://motherhoodsimplified.com/cyc-feature - a free decluttering tool kit
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2010014145929427
https://instagram.com/motherhood_simplified
Tuesday Nov 15, 2022
Tuesday Nov 15, 2022
Episode #38 - Taming the Holiday Crazies
Are the feasts and festivities of the holiday season guaranteed to drive you bonkers?
When your to-do list triples this time of year, does your stress level triple along with it?
Don't let the holiday hassles weigh you down. Listen to this fantastic episode to learn how to tame the holiday crazies, before they begin.
Listen in as recovering "holiday stress monsters" Torie and LeAnn discuss the recipe for overwhelming holidays and how to tame thee brain to ENJOY this time of year.
If you expect your feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm and resentment to creep even higher in the next 7 weeks, then this podcast is for you.
Life Coach LeAnn Kovar will talk about a special mini-program she is offering for moms bracing themselves for the winter wackyness.
You can learn more about Holidays On Your Terms at LeAnnKovar.com
Tuesday Nov 01, 2022
Tuesday Nov 01, 2022
Episode #137 - Living with a teen who is constantly criticizing me.
Question(s) of the Day:
Dear Torie,
I understand it’s normal for teenagers to think they know everything and that their parents are old fashioned and out of touch with reality, but living with constant criticism is something I didn’t sign up for.No matter what I do, my teenager has something negative to say about it. If I use the wrong pronoun for his friend, I’m lectured about how he is a THEY. I get scolded if I make hamburgers for dinner because cows are the second biggest producers of carbon emissions. It’s not like I’m condemning his values, I’m doing my best to be open minded and stay up to speed with social changes, but I can’t buy a new pair of jeans without being reminded about the devastating effects fast fashion is having on the planet.
Do you have any suggestions for surviving the next few years with a "woke" kid who makes me feel like everything I do is wrong? I have tried to explain that criticizing is not the way to effect change but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
Julie
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Dear Torie,
My daughter is a delightful human, as far as teenagers go, but she is constantly scrutinizing, and criticizing, my appearance. She complains about my clothing choices, my lack of makeup, and my wrinkles. She wants me to style my long hair with a middle part like hers, and carry a fanny pack diagonally across my body like she does.
Part of me thinks it’s sweet that she wants me to be on trend like she is, but the other part of me gets annoyed with the constant criticism of how I look. Why can’t she just appreciate me as I am?
Genevieve
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Parent Educator Answer: What to do with a teen who is constantly criticizing you?
Julie can offer her son some alternative comments like:
“May I offer you a greener alternative to buying your jeans at Old Navy?”
“My friend, Jordan, identifies as they/them.”
“Would you like to go thrifting with me this weekend?”
“Would you be willing to extend ‘meatless mondays’ to three days per week if I cook?”
Write these prompts on cards so he has them on hand. Right now, his way of influencing others makes people defensive. When he learns how to voice his values through polite questions and corrections, he has a better likelihood of impacting the social changes he would like to see in the world.
Your son is focused on all that you aren’t doing perfectly. What if you taught him to focus on the positive changes he sees you making. Have him brag about things he is doing that he is proud of. Whenever he points out your flaws, ask him about a positive change he has made lately. Tell him how much it inspires you when he eats vegan or shops at GoodWill. Point out all the ways his positive role modeling impacts others. Soon he will see that the best way to influence people is to be happy about the positive choices you are making.
For Genevieve’s daughter, she can offer alternatives like:
“Would you like me to try out some new makeup on you, Mom?”
“I think your hair looks cute with a middle part.”
“How about you put these boots on with that outfit?”
“Do you want to look cool by wearing this backpack instead of your old purse?”
When my kids were little, I couldn’t stand to see them with smudges on their faces. It was like this impulse came over me to wipe off the food or buggers or gunk and restore them to their beautiful selves. (I TRIED not to be the mom that licked her finger before cleaning off their face but I did it a couple of times at least).
I realized how much I enjoyed seeing my kids look beautifully put together. If their hair was wonky, it was a distraction. I would reach out to smooth it down. I found it hard to concentrate on what they were saying to me because I was focused on what I wanted to fix. I didn’t want to be like this, so I worked to override that critical brain, but I also started putting in more effort to my appearance when I visited my parents, just in case they felt the same way.
If your daughter is stuck in critically analyzing your appearance, ask her to give two compliments for every modification. Ask her to focus on what’s great about your personality, your ideas, your actions, to get her brain unstuck from what you look like. You can also ask her what her favorite outfit is or what makeup/hairstyle she’s been enjoying lately.
Fear and love exist in two different parts of the brain. You can teach your kids to shift out of their critical brain when you ask them to focus on what they love.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from being able to teach our kids alternative means of communication? Being constantly criticized!
When someone is constantly criticizing others for not “being or doing enough”, it is a sign that they have the same voice for themselves. When we criticize, we are in the fearful part of our brain.
I’m going to guess that Julie’s son is worried that he isn’t doing enough for the planet and he wants mom to do better, so he can feel better.
My hunch is that Genevieve’s daughter is worried about her own appearance, sees her mom as a reflection of her, and therefore wants to “fix” her mom so she can feel safe and relaxed.
It’s the same things parents do to their kids. We want our teens to do well in school so we can feel like successful parents. We ask our kids to be kind hearted and respectful of others, so we feel like we’ve done a good job raising them. We try to change our external world, so we can feel better on the inside.
We see our kids as a reflection of us, and it sounds like these teens see you as a reflection of them. But before we re-direct, we gotta connect.
We WANT to love our kids and ENJOY being around them, but it’s hard when they criticize our every move! Our brains naturally mirror the emotions of the people around us. When we see someone sad, we feel sad. When someone is relaxed and at peace, it’s easier for us to drop into a peaceful state.
When your child is critical, it’s really easy for parents to feel inadequate and criticize back. A natural response is to “criticize them for criticizing” but it doesn’t help us feel loving towards our kids.
I believe the first step in living with constant criticism is to find compassion and gratitude.
It sounds like Julie’s son is struggling with the daunting task of saving the planet. He has high empathy and high awareness. He knows what changes need to happen in a short period of time in order to prevent the mass extinction of the human race, but understands how limited his power is. This is a scary and powerless situation to be in so he’s trying to have an impact in the one area where he feels safe to express himself, at home with mom. Perhaps criticizing mom is helping him build the strength and courage he needs to spread his important message to others? When he criticizes you, and you still love him, it gives him confidence to speak his values to others, hoping to still be accepted and loved.
It could be that Genevieve’s daughter has picked up on the cultural messaging that how one looks really matters and is scared that she isn’t up to snuff. Our youth and beauty obsessed culture is a hard one to ignore and has done a lot of damage. But it’s also possible that your daughter’s passion and purpose is to beautify and prettify. People who have an eye for color, design, style and form are valuable. You can show your daughter that happiness and beauty do not go together. When she sees you happy and comfortable in your skin, no matter what you look like, you are helping her see that one can exist without the other. Redirect her desires to prettify by asking her help with home design, cake decorating, or holiday decor. Remind her that there are people out there who WANT her fashion and beauty advice and are willing to pay for it.
Even though you aren’t enjoying the way the message is being communicated, you can be grateful that your teens are open hearted and wanting their moms to learn about what is important to them, and the next generation. These teens don't want you to leave you in the dust like an out of touch, “Karen”.
Finding ways to think about your teen’s criticism that helps you feel compassionate and grateful, will help you TEACH him better ways to get his point across.
Supermom Kryptonite - Being told what to do
Nobody likes being told what to do. It’s an ineffective way to get someone to change behavior yet we do it all the time: “Eat your vegetables, clean your room, put away the ipad, take out the garbage.”
But one of our main jobs as parents is to get our kids to do stuff they don’t want to do! What is a helpful way to influence our children’s behavior?
Social researchers were trying to figure out how to get picky eaters to try new foods. They found some things like expose them to the new food 15 times and have them help prepare the food that’s being served.
The #1 most successful way to get picky kids (older than 5 years of age) to try new foods is to sit them next to a teenager who is happily eating this new food while ignoring the kid. When the same gender teenager happily devoured broccoli, while sitting next to the young kid and being watched, that child suddenly felt an innate desire to try broccoli for the first time.
Watching people happily enjoying something that you haven’t seen before is a powerful way to motivate people to try something new. Julie can use this research to convince her son that positive role modeling is a powerful way to influence others.
If you want your teen to positively express their values is a way that isn’t annoying, you can model that. Even with teenagers, imitation is the number one way children learn.
Power Boost - Trophy Recycling Service
I’ve picked up this new hobby, de-cluttering, and it has made me aware of how much easier it is to buy than give things away. Material goods are so cheap and easy to access, very few people are interested in taking on my clutter. I hate throwing things in landfills that could be repurposed but I’m not crafty enough to repurpose things myself.
This is why I was so pleased to find a trophy recycling service! Total Awards and Promotions in Wisconsin will repurpose your old trophies and donate rebuilt trophies to non-profits nationwide.
If your house is like mine and filled with old trophies that the kids don’t want anymore, you can ship up to 25 of them to Total Awards instead of cluttering the planet with them. I don’t mind contributing to an organization trying to do good for planet as well as donating awards to non-profits!
If you know other places that reuse and repurpose, please share that information in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group. Next up is my wedding gown and some barely worn track cleats and snow shoes.
Quote of the Day:
"The chief symptom of adolescence is a state of expectation, a tendency towards creative work, and a need for the strengthening of self-confidence. Suddenly, the child becomes very sensitive to the rudeness and humiliations which he had previously suffered with patient indifference."
Maria Montessori
Tuesday Oct 18, 2022
Tuesday Oct 18, 2022
Episode #136 Is puberty knocking on your door?
If so, then it's time for "THE TALK".
Most parents want to be the ones to educate their kids about puberty, sexuality, and growing up, but it's hard to know what to say, how to say it, and when is the right time!
If you have a 9-12 year old, then today's podcast is for you.
If you are interested in signing up for Time for The Talk, the sex education class designed for parents to take with their pre-teen, then act quickly.
I only offer Time for The Talk twice per year and the fall class starts on October 25th.
Sign up before October 20th to attend the Parent Preview and Pep-Talk.
[maxbutton id="1" url="www.timeforthetalk.com" text="CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE " ]
Tuesday Oct 04, 2022
Tuesday Oct 04, 2022
Podcast Episode #135 - Remaining Calm Amongst Chaos
Question of the Day:
How can I increase my tolerance of my rambunctious boys and remain calm more of the time?
I have 3 high energy, loud, boisterous boys who are 3, 9 and 12. I have daily routines, a few clear rules and lots of sports and outdoor time for all of them. But their day to day antics drive me crazy. I can stay calm about 25% of the time, but after that I lose my cool and shout. I’m talking minor things like making constant noises with their mouths, talking loudly constantly, banging on things, burping, bickering constantly etc. I can handle a little bit of this behaviour but nowhere near what they put out. I wish for peace and quiet. I feel so guilty that I’m not role modeling emotional regulation because I lose my cool so often.
I should add that I have an 8yr old step son thrown into the mix every second week. My partner works away. But every second week that he’s home I have him and my step son to deal with also. Including my partner (haha) that makes for 5 boys to wrangle!
Please help!
Renee
Parent Educator Answer: Step into your calm, leadership energy.
When we feel overwhelmed, it’s really easy to want to run away and hide from the chaos, but it will run you ragged. When a parent avoids leadership energy, the kids can increase their antics. Kids need to know they aren’t the strongest person in the room so sometimes they will ramp up their crazy in order to get an adult to step in with authority.
This leadership energy comes from our posture, voice tone, eye contact, words and belief system. Rules, discipline and consequences will fall short if you don’t embody this leadership energy.
Because you mentioned the things that bother you most are noises, my suggestion is to implement a traffic light system in your house to teach your kids to regulate their chaos.
Red means near silence. This is used for bedtime, moments of reverence like saying grace before dinner, watching a movie or someone is on an important call and needs quiet.
Yellow means quiet talking. This can be used for homework time, winding down at the end of the day, visiting with Grandma and Grandpa, dinner time, etc.
Green means be your wild and crazy selves. Burp, fart, talk loudly, whatever you want. Giving your boys permission to be wild lets them know there is nothing wrong with being boys, you just don’t want to be around for it. Go walk the dog or put your noise canceling headset on, until it’s time to go back to yellow or red.
The way we teach kids to regulate is with contrast. When a 4 year old wants to run into the street and not wait for mom to catch up, we play “Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light.” Instead of making them follow our rules, we turn it into a fun game that they enjoy.
You will see “Freeze Dance” happening inside quality pre-school programs. Teaching kids how to go wild, loud and crazy, and then stop. It seems like just a fun game but it’s teaching kids to regulate their bodies and voices.
There is a time to be quiet, a time to be goofy, a time to be serious, a time to wild. You get to decide what works for you inside your home.
When we were kids, we played “House of Manners - House of Mess”. In “House of Manners” everyone spoke with a British accent and dabbed the corners of our mouths delicately with our neatly folded napkins. We used our fork and knife to cut our food into the tiniest portion and used the nicest words we could think of. Then someone would call out “House of Mess” and we’d start talking with our mouths full, blowing bubbles in our milk, eating with our hands. You can guess which one we enjoyed more!
The contrast is what teaches us what is polite and what isn’t. We waited until there were no adults around to play House of Mess because they ruined the fun of it.
You absolutely can teach your kids how to act inside your home, even if it’s innocent things like noise making and bickering. Just like they need to tone that down in a church, library or a place of business, they can learn to tone it down when mom is around. Many kids start experimenting with swearing, but they clean up their act when home with mom.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in your way from implementing a volume control system at home?
- Feeling overwhelmed. “I don’t want to deal with this” or “I don’t know what to do.”
- Setting rules without calm, leadership energy.
- Feeling disrespected. "They are disrespecting me."
- Feeling powerless. “Nothing I say matters” “They won’t listen to me” “I have no control”.
Let’s work our way backwards.
You want your house to have more peace and calm.
You decide that teaching your boys to adjust their volume when mom is around is a good plan. You implement a Red/Yellow/Green system to let the boys know what is expected of them. You make it playful and fun, but also serious, like you mean business. You provide reminders and consequences when they don’t respect your rules.
What emotion would you need to be in order to implement and follow through with this new system? Confident? Powerful? Determined?
Feeling powerless is not going to get you the results you want. You’ve got to find a thought that gives you a feeling of confidence, powerful, or determined.
Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t say “I’ve got this” if 90% of your brain is remembering all the times in the past when it didn’t work. But you can think something like...
“It’s ok to ask for what I want.” or
“I can teach my family how to treat me.” or
“This is an important skill I’m teaching my boys.” or
“I am up to the task.”
Even if you are noise sensitive, there are still thoughts about the noise that can make it easier or harder for you to deal with it. Choose the thought that will give you the result you want.
Supermom Kryptonite - Bickering Children and “I don’t want to deal with this.”
This seems like such an innocent thought. Of course you don’t want to deal with bickering children, who does? But when we think it, and we are standing in the room listening to it, it keeps us stuck.
If you have the thought, “I don’t want to deal” and you walk away, you are free.
If you are there, listening to the bickering, and thinking “I don’t want to deal” it’s like a bear trap just closed around your ankles. You want to leave but you don’t. You are stuck, imprisoned by your own psyche.
This feels terrible to our spirit. We are meant to be free. “I don’t want to deal” while staying put causes you unnecessary suffering.
Instead, put your brain and body in the same place. If you are in the room, be there fully. Tell yourself you DO want to deal with this issue because if you didn’t you would walk away.
Supermom Power Boost - Delete subscriptions on your phone
I don’t know if you will love this as much as I did, but I just figured out how to delete itunes subscriptions on my iphone. It was such a quick and easy way to clean out clutter, save money, and simplify my life.
Turns out I was paying a monthly and annual subscription fee for apps I didn’t remember purchasing. With one touch of a button, I deleted them and it gave me such a boost of energy I had to share it.
You just go to settings, click on your name at the top, click on the word subscriptions. See what you’ve got and delete the ones you don’t want!
Compared to canceling a gym subscription, or any other online subscription where they offer you discounts and you have to jump through hoops and many pleas to stay, this was so easy it made it fun!
Try canceling your subscriptions and see if it gives you as much simple pleasure as it gave me!
Quote of the Day:
“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything is broken and there is a lot of throwing up.” Ray Romano
Tuesday Sep 20, 2022
Tuesday Sep 20, 2022
Episode #134 Interview with Betsy Jensen
"I don't have time to relax."
"I'm exhausted but struggle to fall asleep"
"I wake up feeling anxious"
"I try to relax but it doesn't work."
"If I take a break more work will pile up later."
"I can't relax because I have too much to do."
If any of these sound like you, you are officially a Supermom, and you are probably getting pretty tired of burning the candle at both ends.
When moms spend a lot of time running from thing to thing, keeping busy, their nervous systems go into overdrive. If your nervous system spends too much time in fight or flight, you can develop stress related conditions: Auto-immune problems, skin rashes, vulvodoynia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and other digestive issues, back pain, TMJ, headaches.
Today I'm interviewing Betsy Jensen.
Betsy is a life coach helping people heal from chronic pain through nervous system regulation, and the latest neruroscience. As a former Physical Therapist, she has been working with people in pain for decades, but her own health struggles brought her to the mind-body approach. Now through coaching, she is helping people eliminate their chronic pain, instead of just managing it.
Her website is www.bodyandmindlifecoach.com and her podcast is Unstoppable Body and Mind
For clients she offers the Alignment Academy Membership Program https://betsy-jensen.mykajabi.com/alignment-academy-membership
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/bodyandmindlifecoach/
In the interview, we mention books by Dr. John E. Sarno, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Dr. Alan Gordon, and the Law of Attraction (for which there are many books but I'm referencing Abraham Hicks)
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Out-Revolutionary-Scientifically-Approach/dp/0593086856/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=alan+gordon&qid=1663217209&sr=8-1
Free Relaxation Challenge - Sept. 26 - 30th.
Want to feel more relaxed but hate meditating?
Join the Relaxation Challenge inside the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group!
Betsy and I will walk you through different ways to calm down the Central Nervous System so that you can start feeling better today.
Are you tired but wired? Do you want to play with your kids but struggle to do so? Is it hard to wind down at night without your glass of wine? Then this challenge is for you!
Mark your calendars for Sep. 26-30th. It's time to PRIORITIZE RELAXATION before it turns into chronic pain and stress induced illnesses.
This is too important to miss. Your to-do list can wait. This challenge will only take you 10 minutes a day.
Feel relaxed. Sleep better. Play and have fun with your kids. Enjoy more.
[maxbutton id="4" url="https://www.facebook.com/groups/Supermomisgettingtired" text="CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE SUPERMOM IS GETTING TIRED FACEBOOK GROUP" ]
Tuesday Sep 06, 2022
Tuesday Sep 06, 2022
Episode #133 Embarrassed by my children’s appearance
Question of the Day:
I’m glad this post is anonymous because I’m embarrassed to admit this but I want to get it off my chest and I think you will help me.
I’m embarrassed by my children. I look at moms posting photos on IG of their cute “mini-me” and mother-daughter BFF’s and I get jealous.
I have a 13 and 15 year old who I love to pieces but I’m having a hard time feeling at peace with their choices. I take pride in my appearance and think how we present ourselves goes a long way towards our success in life. When I was their age, I worked hard to fit in, to look nice and be accepted by my peers. I mean, research shows that good looking people are more likely to get hired, make money, and be promoted. Why wouldn’t someone want to look as good as possible?
My girls are beautiful, inside and out, but they don’t care about showing it. One identifies as non-binary and is experimenting with weird hair colors, piercings, and funky, gender neutral clothing. The other looks like she just rolled out of bed. She only wears oversized sweatpants and t-shirts, preferably used from thrift stores. Neither wears makeup, jewelry, or uses a curling iron.
I was looking forward to the day I would take my girls to get makeovers or go shopping for cute clothes. I WANT to love them unconditionally but my judgment of their appearance and disappointment in their priorities is blocking me. How do I love them unconditionally when they don’t value the same things I value? How do I support them and feel proud of them, when I’m stuck in disappointment and embarrassment?
Anonymous
Tuesday Aug 23, 2022
Tuesday Aug 23, 2022
Episode #132 - Help facilitate language in your stubborn child, in fun and playful ways.
Question of the Day:
From one mom to another I'm out of answers. My 7-year-old was easy - but my 4-year-old son.... no! He's talking less this year than last year. He ignores me, the dog and his older sister and would prefer to flick the lights on and off and use his I pad. He is intrigued by dinosaurs and whales. I watch him in his room twirling in a circle for no reason. He's very stubborn and if I need to break his activity to do something else he becomes so angry it frightens me. It's hard to find a babysitter (I do work). HELP.
Teddie
Parent Educator Answer:
When I received this question, I immediately emailed Teddie to lend support. I wanted to let her know she wasn't alone and there are people out there who could help her.
Here is my response:
Thanks so much for reaching out. I think this will be a great question to answer on my podcast but I would love to find an expert to bring in for an interview so it may take me a while.
I want to offer you this link to schedule a free coaching call. It's a chance for you to talk about your struggles to an unbiased, compassionate mom.
Life Coaching Answer:
For today's life coaching answer, I brought in an expert who has a different opinion than mine. She doesn't believe in going through evaluations and diagnoses. Marci Melzer is a speech therapist with a youtube channel called Waves of Communication teaching parents how to connect with their late talking child and build their language naturally, at home. She believes the parent/child connection will increase vocabulary and communication faster than schools and therapy.
More than one in 8 children is late to develop functional speech. After 30 years working in the speech therapy system, Marci Melzer, M.Ed./SLP realized that parents are in the best position to facilitate functional improvement in spoken language.
In 2017, Marci created her Waves of Communication.com platform to equip and empower parents and caregivers to facilitate spoken language naturally, with children of all ages, no matter what is causing the speech delay.
Since she started WOC, Marci has produced more than 500 videos on YouTube, created a range of online coaching programs, and authored 2 books, including a workbook that has been translated into Spanish and Hindi. Marci hosts live coaching and Q&A sessions every Thursday on the Waves of Communication YouTube channel to help parents ride the ups and downs of their lifelong language facilitation journey.