Supermom is Getting Tired

Enneagram Type#2

Enneagram Type #2

The Giver - The Generous, Supportive Advisor

[caption id="attachment_14694" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type #2[/caption]

 

Twos are warm, caring and welcoming at their core. Twos want to be liked and try to meet the needs of others. They are demonstrative and want to be valued for helping others and being a positive influence.Twos have their sense of self worth, pride and value linked to how others respond to them. If you believe these 3 sentences, then you might be a Two.
-You can intuit what others need if you just pay close enough attention.
-Relationships are what matters most
-People like people who are as generous and thoughtful as I am.

Core fear: Being alone and unloved, rejected and unwanted, being thought of as needy, inconsequential and unworthy.

Twos cope with this fear by taking care of others and making themselves central to other people’s lives.

Core Motivation: To feel loved and appreciated, which is what motivates them to give love and appreciation to others. Two’s value kindness, generosity, and self-sacrifice. Caring and compassionate, Twos place a strong emphasis on relationships and have highly developed people skills. They can be generous with their time and resources and can easily become overcommitted and overworked.

Twos are most likely to become co-dependent and exhibit “exploding doormat syndrome”, surprising overreactions that come from suppressing their own wants and needs.
Instead of setting boundaries, Twos can give and give, then explode with “I can’t take it anymore” “No one appreciates me”.

Ellie was a loving and generous mother who liked to dote on her kids, and her partner. She loved cooking them healthy meals and making them happy by buying and preparing them special food they loved to eat. Her family got used to her generosity and started expecting it. “When’s dinner?” “What did you pack me for lunch?” and, of course, “I don’t want to eat this.”
This made her annoyed, resentful, and guilty because she blamed herself for creating this situation.

Ellie realized that she liked cooking for her teens when she wanted to, or because they were pleasant dining companions. She was happy to cook when her family appreciated it but as soon as her gift turned into an expectation, she no longer enjoyed it.

Ellie decided she would cook for herself. She told her family what she was making for herself and that she would happily double the recipe. If they didn’t want it, they were welcome to help themselves or make a peanut butter sandwich.

Putting her own desires first, helped her not feel resentful and continue to give, but only when the recipients desired her gift.

Two Supermoms are adept at intuiting the needs of their children and providing time, attention, advice, referrals and more. Twos tend to LOVE parenting young children and enjoy the hugs, appreciation and dependency that young kids can shower upon them. When these open hearted kids become grunting teenagers who no longer express appreciation, moms can feel sad or resentful.

The sensitivity to other people’s feelings allow the Two to recognize and often experience the feelings of others as if they were her own. This high empathy means Supermom Twos can often ride the emotional roller coaster ride of adolescence right along with their child. Twos take great pleasure in helping others and love to help their kids live up to their potential. If they perceive their kid is being treated unfairly, they will rise to their defense.

The middle school years were tough on Supermom Jasmine. She knew her daughter was struggling with her friendships and it pained her. Watching her daughter get left out as the friend group shifted was unbearable. She reached out to other moms to help include her daughter and smooth things over but her daughter didn’t want her mom to get involved. The more Jasmine tried to get her daughter to open up about her feelings, the more she withdrew and shut her out.

Jasmine reached out to see if I would be a good life coach for her middle schooler. After talking, I suggested she and I start coaching together to see if we could help her daughter in a different way.
Jasmine learned the benefit of healthy boundaries, her daughter stopped seeing herself as a problem that needed fixing. She learned to let go of believing she was the only one who could and should solve her daughter’s problems. The more Jasmine built confidence in her daughter’s ability to handle life’s ups and downs, the more confident her kiddo became. She learned to see her daughter’s growing independence as a good thing and started focusing on the parts of her she left behind when she first became a mom.

Because Twos focus primarily on other people’s needs, they are often unaware of their own needs, frequently acting as if they have none. Two’s are the most reluctant to come to life coaching because they think self sacrificing is good and hiring a coach is indulgent, but this is the type that gains the most from having a coach.

Stephanie felt lost. She had been looking forward to this time when all her kids were in school so she could finally get time to herself. But quickly, she learned that having alone time didn’t magically reconnect her to herself. She spent her days doing chores for her family and friends. When she went out on dates with her partner or friends, the conversation always came around to the children. She really wanted to feel like herself again but was confused on how to get there.
We started by talking about how our essence is connected to our desires and being able to ask yourself “What do I want?” is a powerful place to start. Not only was she unable to come up with any desires, she had resistance to believing it was worth spending time on. In her mind, giving was the only way to receive.
The concept of “putting on your own oxygen mask first” and to “fill up your own cup so that it overflows” were designed for these self sacrificing Twos.

When she could see that “taking care of her kids’ mother” was the greatest gift she could give her children, she relaxed and started reconnecting with her spirit that had been long ignored.

After 3 months together, she sent me a beautiful card (because that’s what Two’s do) that read, “Thank You for giving me back my Stephanieness. My cup is full and I know how to keep it that way.”

Some Twos are more focused on individual relationships, others on helping groups, being in leadership positions, and a desire to stand above the crowd. This ability to prioritize people and relationships serves career minded Two’s very well. They can be very ambitious and successful, it’s just that the motivation comes from wanting to feel loved and appreciated.

Question to help decipher your type:

Do you intuitively know what someone else needs but have a hard time articulating your own needs, even to yourself?
If you’re completely honest, do you believe that you can get almost anyone to like you if you really want to?
Do you feel really good when others respond to you in the way you most want, but particularly deflated when this does not occur?

Supermom Kryptonite: What trips Twos up
Giving to Get - manipulative giving, expect return on investment
Assuming you know what’s best, giving unsolicited advice and wanting to be the reason others are happy or wanting others to be unwell so that they can help.
Worrying and feeling bad for others, obsessing about ways to help.
Becoming overworked and over committed, difficulty saying no. Difficulty asking for help but getting resentful that people don’t offer. It can be difficult for others to give them enough love to fill their cup.
Wanting love, gifts, affection, appreciation but thinking “I shouldn’t have to ask”. Playing the martyr, “I suffer for you and you aren’t grateful”.
A disintegrated Two can become demanding, manipulative, controlling and overbearing when feeling insecure. Emotional Insecurity happens when relationships get threatened.
Disintegrated Two’s can be easy to offend and sensitive to criticism.
Codependency - Twos can have a lack of respect for boundaries. They may over prioritizing the needs of others, feel guilty when doing things for themselves and struggle to prioritize themselves in relationships.

Hannah was a loving, empathetic and nurturing mother of three older kids. She loved mentoring them, helping them with their friendship struggles and problem solving personal challenges. They confided in her and she relished this role in their lives.

However, Hannah struggled to set boundaries with them. They took advantage of her kindness and were demanding, rude and disrespectful. She preferred the nurturing role she had when they were little and resisted stepping into an authoritative leader who commanded their respect.

Hannah was scared to be mean and punitive like her father was. It took some work but she was able to find her own calm leadership energy that felt powerful and respectful. Together we established her rules, consequences and overcame her resistance to claiming authority in her home.

Even though she missed being able to cuddle and sing to them, she stepped into her new authoritative role because she knew it would be good for them.

What Twos use life coaching for:

• Reconnect with their spirit and feel valued and worthy from the inside.
• Learn that self care isn’t selfish and that people appreciate it when they prioritize themselves.
• Learn to use their empathy and intuition appropriately, release worry, and set healthy boundaries.
• Maintain balance.
• Recognize the signs of being out of balance and know how to get back into equilibrium.

Twos rarely ask for help but appreciate it when help is offered.

Small Action Steps Twos Can Take to grow in a positive direction
Find someone with a mother who doesn’t take good care of herself? Emotionally, financially, physically, notice what a burden it is on the child. The best gift you can give your kids is a well rested, happy, healthy balanced mother. What kind of care giver would you hire for your kids? Treat your children by treating yourself.
Sign up for my Supermom Challenge www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/challenge
Download the “How we feel” app and start paying attention to YOUR emotions multiple times a day. The reason Twos try to control and manipulate others, is because they are trying to avoid a feeling. Learning how to sit with your emotions for 90 seconds and feel them in the body will help Two’s stay in their own business and have clean boundaries.

Are you living with a Two? Healthy integrated Two’s can be easy to live but need others to encourage balance and self care. Disintegrated Twos can be controlling and manipulative, under the guise of being helpful. This toxic manipulation can be hard for outsiders to see but is important to address.

Jump in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group and tell me if you know what a young Two is as like as a child or teenager. Are they rescuing injured animals? Making homemade gifts for their teachers? Feeling the emotions of all the other kids in middle school or in the world?

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

Enneagram Type #1 - The Moral Perfectionist

Type #1 The Perfectionist - The Reformer

 

The rational, principled, self controlled idealist 

Today I will help Enneagram Type #1's understand their motivation, release the burden of perfection, trust in their goodness and finally relax.

Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. (Atticus Finch, Hermione Granger) At their worst: close minded, critical, self righteous (Osama Bin Laden)

A type 1 parent can show up quite differently depending on whether their strict moral code extends to their children, or is primarily turned inward onto themselves.

You might hear a One say to their kids: “It’s my way or the highway” ,

“It’s important to take your responsibilities seriously.

“If you were more organized, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

“If you aren’t going to follow the rules, we aren’t going to play.”

Or you might hear them say:

“Why can’t I ever get it right?

“I can’t relax because there is still work to be done.”

Basic Fear: Being a “bad” person

Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be beyond reproach

Key Motivations: Want to be good and right, to strive higher and improve themselves and the world around them, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.

Ones might express irritation and resentment regularly but try to control their anger because they see it as morally wrong. Ones have difficulty letting go, being silly, indulging, relaxing and going with the flow.

 

Type One Anja signed up for the Leading Your Teen group class and was super enthusiastic. She had taken parenting classes when her kids were young and appreciated learning new tools and strategies for parenting her kids. She read books and enjoyed striving to be her best. She participated and enjoyed getting coached. Learning about herself and ways in which she could improve made her feel competent. Acquiring strategies for raising teenagers helped her confidence that she was up to the task.

She spoke highly of the class to her friend Amy (also a type 1) assuming she would love it. Amy signed up for the class but struggled to get into a learning mindset. She was so wary of being criticized and afraid someone might think poorly of her that avoided participating. I suggested Amy drop the group class and switch to individual so we could focus on self compassion, believe in her goodness and tame her inner critic. Focusing on these things first got her into a place where learning could take place.

 

Ones monitor what they say, how they say it, with a very critical internal voice that scolds them for what they do wrong. They try to live up to the internal standards of what they believe to be behavior beyond reproach. When Ones take on a task, their intention is to do it right. Their mission is to seek perfection and avoid mistakes.

Whenever I hung out with my friend, just being around her made me a better mom. She had amazing tolerance for what I found to be difficult. She was patient and kind to EVERYONE else, except herself. She held herself to a very high standard. I didn’t get many glimpses inside her head but from what I could see, she had a ferocious drill sergeant who did not give her any of the credit she truly deserved.

Ones can be serious, single minded, and driven to work hard, while also being highly critical of themselves and others. If you are remodeling your kitchen or having brain surgery, you WANT to work with a One!

Ones are diligent, responsible, organized, and TIRED. But instead of resting when tired, they try to complete all the tasks thinking once everything is done, they can rest. Ones have difficulty relaxing unless on vacation because there is work to be done (and they dislike delegating).

 

Raising an ADHD kid who did not take school seriously was a huge stress on Julia. She couldn’t stand his lackadaisical attitude and procrastination and felt tied up in knots on a daily basis. But when she was on vacation, nothing stressed her out. She loved being “vacation mom”, so relaxed and open, so we studied her and figured out how to bring vacation Julia, back into everyday life at home.

Ones are highly discerning and try to do the best job possible, down to the smallest detail. They try to behave perfectly to cover up a deep fear of being flawed. Ones control their anger and disapprove of expressing anger, but can be judgmental and critical of their partner, their kids, the schools, coaches, etc. “There’s no excuse for being late.”

Christina didn’t take her perfectionism out on her 16 year old, but instead turned it onto the school system she was a part of. Everyday she’d pick her daughter up at school and interview her for pain, looking for injustices and problems she could help her solve. She thought the way to show her love was to have her back against a common enemy. Together they would bad mouth the teachers, the school system, and her friends. This made Christina feel aligned and connected with her daughter, but it was a catch 22. Her teen felt the only way to make her mom happy, was to focus on her unhappiness. She felt she had to choose between betraying her mom or betraying the system she was participating in.

Ones look for fault in other people because it allows them to feel better in comparison.

“Everyone needs to do their part to make the world a better place.”

“Why can’t anyone do anything right?”

Questions to help decipher your type:

1. Do you have a constant internal critic, that you’ve had since you were a child, that never gives you an atta girl, that you aren’t behaving appropriately and you don’t have what it takes.
2. Do you have a constant need for self-improvement, while knowing that no one will ever be perfect?
3. Do you have a hard time relaxing, having fun, and getting away from your responsibility unless you are on vacation?

What is this Supermom’s Kryptonite? A disintegrated One mom might…..

• Fixate on small imperfections “There’s no excuse for being late.”The question “Will this matter 10 years from now?” is a great daily question Ones can ask themselves.
• Obsess and micromanage (Checking powerschool everyday? Focusing on one tardy or A-)
• Need to fix everything that is broken in the world and get resentful when others don’t share their beliefs about right and wrong. “Cows are the biggest producers of carbon emissions so if we care about the planet we shouldn’t eat meat.” Ones don’t want their beliefs to be challenged. “Let’s agree to disagree” is a difficult concept for Ones.
• Analysis paralysis can cause procrastination. You want to organize the playroom but since there is no way to do it perfectly, you leave it a mess and get resentful that no one else is annoyed or helping you with it.
• Difficulty feeling satisfied. Ones can be an exemplary role model parent to everyone else but they don’t feel the inner satisfaction because their inner critic keeps telling them unless you are perfect, you suck.
• Difficulty delegating to others and spending time and money on relaxation and self care because the voice in their head says they don’t deserve it and it’s not “ morally good”.“I’ll load the dishwasher because I’ll have to do it again anyway because you won’t do it right.”

What perfectionistic Ones use life coaching for:

• Tame the inner critic and increase compassion for self and others.
• Develop an inner cheerleader who gets equal headspace.
• To relax, have more fun, and feel more serene. Learn when to take off the Supermom cape, and when to put it back on.
• Add humor, levity and lightheartedness into parenting.

Example: Davina came to life coaching feeling resentful that her kids liked their Dad more than her. He was more playful with them and she knew it. She wanted to be more fun loving but felt like there was too much work to get done. Davina’s hard work ethic served her well in her career but at home it was costing her connection with her family. She couldn’t stand watching them lounge on the weekend, not doing anything productive.

Through coaching, Davina became aware of this mean critical voice in her head that said “relaxing is bad, productivity is good.” (all the time, everyday, no matter what). She learned that her main motivation for working so hard was a fear of what this inner critic was going to say the minute she sat down and stopped working. She decided to see this voice as a prison guard, keeping her locked in this “all work and no play” prison. Instead of pretending this prison guard wasn’t there, she befriended it. She would negotiate with it saying “I promise I’ll go to the gym tomorrow morning if you’ll step aside for two hours tonight while I watch a movie with my kiddos.”

As Davina took the pressure off herself, she was able to take the pressure off her family, too, and allow them to relax.

Small action steps Ones can take to grow in a positive direction:

1. Start celebrating mistakes. Purposefully do things wrong, slack off, drop a ball, and celebrate it with your family. Leave the dishes in the sink just to prove you can. Don’t contribute anything to the class party. This will help you become more flexible, increase levity, and show that inner perfectionist who’s boss.
2. Redefine your definition of success. Many Ones define success as “doing everything right”. Think about the people you admire, that you consider successful. What is it about them that looks like success to you? Often, Ones will notice things like “balanced” “fun loving” along with “passionate and driven”.
3. Create a “Relaxation Challenge” - Ones like improving themselves so instead of seeing relaxation as something you earn after all your work is done and perfect, see it as a task to complete. Start with 5 minutes of guilt free relaxation and set the timer. Work your way up to 30 minutes in the middle of the day. Do research showing the benefit of midday naps, sitting in the sunshine, or just savoring a cup of tea while staring into space. By flipping the script and making relaxation a chore and a challenge, ones can increase balance and joy in their lives.

 

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

Introduction to the Enneagram for moms

Introduction to the Enneagram

 

The next 9 episodes are designed to help us become saner, wiser, more compassionate, moms and humans. The enneagram types will reveal patterns about how you interpret the world, and the world around you. You will learn what’s holding you back and get tools and tips to feel better using this ancient personality system called the Enneagram.

 

The enneagram is a symbol with points, lines and wings. It is a complex system that has been studied from many different perspectives. It is certainly worthy of a deep dive if you are interested but this is a podcast for busy mamas so we aren’t going into the nitty gritty. We’re just going to use the wisdom of the enneagram to fine tune our parenting, understand the confusing people living in our homes, and help us become the best moms we can be. 

 

By learning about our key motivations and fears, we can block out the noise of what society tells us we SHOULD care about, and prioritize things that are most important to us. 

 

These enneagram types are formed by a combination of nurture AND nature. Kids come out of the womb with personality and spirit. They are authentically themselves. How we react when life happens to us can cause us to lean more towards one enneagram type or another. 

 

I suggest you listen to all 9 types and see if someone you know pops into your mind. You might resonate with a little bit of each type, that’s ok because the deeper you go, the more similar we all become. 

 

I’ve been doing this podcast for the last 4 years and the one word that comes up most frequently (after TIRED) is motivation. “ How do I motivate my teenager? Why can’t I motivate myself, I’ve lost my motivation” If you want to understand the root of motivating yourself and others, the next 9 podcasts are for you.  

 

The 2nd benefit I hope you’ll take from the next 9 podcasts is compassion. So many moms I talk to are so hard on themselves, beating themselves up for not being “good enough”. My hope is that by understanding your enneagram type, you can cut yourself some slack and go a little easier on yourself. You can look at your friends and family members and not take their challenging personalities so personally. 

 

We all have integrated and disintegrated aspects to our personalities. When a people pleasing parent is struggling with a rude, opinionated teen, parenting tips can be super specific because it’s just a typical 9, parenting a typical 8. There’s no pressure, nothing has gone wrong and it’s nobody’s fault, but there are things you can do to make life more enjoyable! 

 

If you are a 2, and your teen is struggling but doesn't want your help, it can be especially challenging. Understanding your child’s enneagram type can help you give to them in a way they can actually receive, while also helping you evolve your relationship with them. 

 

If you are still listening to this but are thinking “This is stupid. No one is going to put me in a box and tell me about myself. I cannot be categorized.” Then you are probably an 8 so feel free to wait until that episode comes out so you can just learn about YOU. 

 

Pura Vida - I am recording these episodes in Costa Rica hoping the Enneagram will provide you with Pura Vida: optimism, no worries, pure and simple living, the essence of life.

 

Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.

Get Clarity in 2024

Get Clarity in 2024

 

Mental and emotional clarity is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves but when you are surrounded by other people's needs, personalities, demands and desires, self clarity is a difficult thing to access. 

 

When we feel clear, we know who we are and what we want. It makes it easy to set goals for ourselves or get into alignment with our integrity. Mental and emotional clarity helps us feel connected to ourselves as well as others, grateful and content with our lives. 

 

If I could put clarity in a pill, I would give it to all my clients and friends. Clarity feels wonderful. It’s like sitting in the driver’s seat of your life. You have your destination entered into the map. You have the power to steer your life in the direction you want and you are in control. 

 

But how do you get it if you don’t have it? 

 

Do not go further into 2024 without this magic pill. 

 

Here is the 4 step process I’ve been using lately to help me get some much desired clarity as I enter into 2024. 

 

1. Retreat - Take some time away from the noisy, self absorbed people in your life (children, boss, parents, partner, dog, sibling and social media). They all have their own agendas and ideas about what you SHOULD want with your life. Physically move away from them. Go to a library, hotel or drive your car to a park with a nice view. Someplace devoid of clutter. A chapel, an art gallery, or a furniture store? Get some peace and quiet so you can hear YOUR OWN thoughts, needs and desires. 
2. Reflect - Look back on 2023. What were your proudest accomplishments? What were the highlights? What were the worst parts that you do not want a repeat of? Notice the negative but use this exercise to practice celebrating all the good. Give yourself a pat on the back. It’s too easy to think about the negative, give yourself credit for the good things you created last year, feel grateful and thank yourself for all your hard work keeping your family afloat.

 

Do not ever set goals from “not good enough” energy. Feel satisfied and proud before looking forward into 2024 and do a current assessment. 

Take out the life balance wheel (email me for a pdf copy or download it from the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group) and rate each category on a scale of 1-10 based on how fulfilling each area of your life is. 10 is very rewarding and satisfying. 1 is neglected or out of whack. 

This will give you a great barometer for where you are now, what would help bring you back into balance. You can’t focus on all those areas at once or you’ll go nuts. Just pick one of your low scoring areas (or two if you must) and make that your focus for 2024. 

 

Use a daily journal writing practice to keep tabs on yourself. What was the best part of your day? When were you happiest today? What are you avoiding? Use the How We Feel App to track your emotions and start paying attention to YOU. This is the most important and valuable habit to have clarity on a daily basis. 

 

3. Relationships - When our relationships aren’t healthy, it is a HUGE kryptonite. We bite our tongues, have conversations inside our heads, we feel guilty or inadequate, IT IS A HUGE DRAIN ON OUR ENERGY. Cleaning up our relationships with our children, partners, friends, parents and co-workers, is SO IMPORTANT when striving for clarity. Nothing is more important than having harmonious relationships, especially with those we see everyday. Don’t assume that other people need to change in order for you to be at peace. I help people everyday accept their loved ones for who they, stop wishing they were different, so they can love and accept them as they are. This is an inside job and a worthwhile one. 

 

HOWEVER, I will warn you…..sometimes we use relationship drama as a decoy to avoid looking at our own life and taking control. Worrying about your teenager’s grades or being annoyed at your crazy co-worker can provide a handy distraction if you are a little afraid to look forward into 2024 with clarity and control .

 

4. Readying - Once you know who you are and what you want, the next step is to ready yourself. To find people who can teach you the skills you need to learn. Do you know someone who has a good relationship with their hot mess of a teenager? That parent might be just the person to learn unconditional love from. If you want to save your marriage, hanging out with your divorced friends may not be the people to source. 

Everything you ever want to know is available to you. Knowledge is available to you, you just need to do a little leg work to find the right teacher. Are you wondering how to return to work after a 10 year hiatus? Read books on the topic, this will give you a map. Want to explore selling passive income products? Search on Instagram and the algorithm will drop ideas into your news feed. Life Coaches usually coach on areas they struggled and overcame so they can be a great resource if you want to lose weight, reinvent your life after raising kids, or learn to stop yelling at your kids. Get quality training from someone who has done what you want to do. Many people wait for clarity and inspiration to come to them but when you consume information, observe and study, the clarity and inspiration happen naturally but you also get a map on how to get where you want to go. 

 

I did this with following my dream to work while traveling abroad. I didn’t know anyone who was doing what I wanted to do so I listened to podcasts, subscribed to youtube channels and joined facebook groups. I took notes on the different ways to find reliable internet, I learned about travel health insurance and currency exchange rates. I talked with people who travel 51% of the year to save money, and those who are 100% nomadic. 

 

The best predictor of the future is the relevant past. If you want a repeat of last year, then you can coast, but if there is anything you want to change, it’s time to sit in the driver’s seat of your life, program your GPS to the destination you want to go in, learn more about this destination and start paying close attention to how you are getting there. 

 

1. Retreat - Get away from the noisy, opinionated people. 
2. Reflect - What’s working for you? What isn’t? Pay attention everyday to what lights you up and follow that thread. Know who you are and what you want.
3. Relationships- Make sure your relationship drama isn’t weighing you down. Cleaning up your relationships will clear out your mind and make room for positive forward momentum. 
4. Readying - Time to study and learn some new skills from qualified people who have been where you want to go. 

This is how you will get clarity in your life. The clarity will give you purpose, direction, enthusiasm and satisfaction. 

 

If you sign up for the 10 Daily Questions at LifeCoachingforParents.com/10Q, I’ll be sure to send you a Life Balance Wheel also. 

Speaking of Clarity, I want to tell you what i have decided about the future of this podcast. I retreated, I reflected, I focused on my relationships and I have been readying myself for this announcement! 

 

I am going to record the next 9 podcast episodes about the 9 different enneagram types. I did an obsessive deep dive on the enneagram during my hiatus and what I love about it and all personality typologies is how it increases compassion and understanding of ourselves and our families. I will be helping you with step 3 and 4 of gaining clarity in the next 9 episodes because understanding personality types is doing a learning deep dive with the purpose of  improving our relationships (including the relationship we have with ourselves). I cannot wait to share these with you. I will give examples of which supermom kryptonite is most likely to plague each enneagram type and how to parent your teen based on which enneagram personality you see emerging. It’s going to be great fun and super helpful to you so keep your eyes peeled! 

Caught kid watching porn | Encore

Episode 46 - Caught kid watching porn

"Dear Torie, I am so upset. I just walked in on my 9 year old son. He was looking at our lap top and shut it as soon as I came in the room. I asked him what he was looking at and he said “nothing”. When I looked up the browsing history it was very clear he was watching porn. Not just any porn either, but 3-way super inappropriate born. I am so upset that this is first introduction to understanding what sex is. I know he will never be able to un-see the images he saw. How am I supposed to tell him about how sex is a special thing that happens between two people who really love each other? I want him to have a healthy sexual attitude but am mortified that this was his introduction to it. I feel like his innocence has been ruined."     Tama

Parent Educator Answer:

I have been teaching classes on how to talk to kids about sex since the 1990’s. It’s amazing how much has changed around this topic when sex itself has not changed at all.

The frequency with which kids seeing online porn is probably the most significant and disturbing change to have occurred.

Sometimes, kids seek it out, sometimes they stumble upon it by accident, other times friends share it with them.

Either way, it can be hard for a parent to know what to say and how to handle catching a kid watching porn.

In this situation, there are a few points I suggest you address with your 9-year-old son.

1. ACKNOWLEDGE HIS CURIOSITY.

When our kids ask us questions we don’t know the answer to, it’s pretty easy for them to “Google it” or “Ask Siri”. “What’s the capitol of Bulgaria?” “Ask Alexa”. “What’s the weather going to be like on vacation? “Look it up”.

So it’s no surprise when kids hear something about sex at recess, they take to the internet to find the answer. We know he was the one searching out sexual content because of the search history.

Letting your son know that it's really normal at age 9 to be curious about the human body (especially the opposite sex) and how it works would help put him at ease.

Tell him it would have been ok for him to come to you with his questions and that you are going to buy him some books with factual, age-appropriate information and answer any questions he might have.

The message you want to communicate is there is nothing wrong with being curious about sex.

I have an online sex education class, “Time for the Talk” that I designed for parents to watch with their 9-12 year old son or daughter. You can purchase this class at www.TimeforTheTalk.com and also receive a list of books I recommend for different ages.

2. MAKE A HOUSE RULE ABOUT PORN.

Tell your child that there is something called pornography that he stumbled upon, that is different than what real people do in the privacy of their bedrooms. “Media sex” is fake. It’s designed to be shocking and exaggerated as a way to make money. It is very different than the kind of sex real people have who are in intimate relationship with one another.

Let him know that it is against the law to show pornography to a minor and a kid watching porn is thus not allowed.

You can tell your child,

"Allowing pornography to be viewed in our house by you or any other minor is punishable under federal law. Therefore, your Dad and I will not allow pornography to be viewed in our house. We understand that you can find all sorts of inappropriate content online and we hope you will make good decisions going forward. If we find out that you have been watching it here (or with friends), we will further restrict your internet access in order to keep you safe." 

 

3. TELL HIM TO FOLLOW HIS INSTINCTS. 

Instincts are designed to keep us safe. Tell him,

"When I walked into the room, you immediately jumped up and shut the computer. These were your instincts telling you that what you were watching was not appropriate. If it had been something interesting in a healthy way or funny in a healthy way, you would have said, “Mom, come here, you gotta see this!” Instead you shut it down like it was on fire and ran away as fast as you could. Your higher self knew you shouldn’t have been watching this and I want to encourage you to learn to listen to these instincts."

 

Life Coaching Answer:

 

What gets in our way from being able to have this conversation? Nerves! It’s uncomfortable to talk about these subjects when we didn’t get great modeling from our parents!

Most of us didn’t have an example set for us that we want to emulate, nor did we have the issue of online porn to contend with. If we had seen our parents handle it a way that felt comfortable, it would be much easier for us to know what to do.

Many parents worry about doing it wrong. We don’t know what to say or how to say it, so we end up just saying nothing at all.

We get afraid that we will make it worse or cause our kid to react in an awkward way. It’s this fear that keeps us giving our kids the information they need to navigate this modern world.

Sex education at age 9 is mostly about science, health and respect for the body.

Kids are smart, they know food goes into stomachs and gets pooped out. When we tell them babies grow in mom's stomachs, it doesn’t make sense to them.

I believe 9-12 year olds deserve to know all about reproductive anatomy and physiology, puberty, in a way that helps them appreciate and respect the human body for how magnificent it is.

Even if your child hasn’t started puberty yet themselves, their friends may be and they will want to make sense of the changes that are happening around them.

OPEN COMMUNICATION 

If your kid hears other kids talking at a sleepover, you want him to come home and ask YOU, not google, for more information. You want your child to be able to hear gossip and think, “I don’t need to listen to you, my parents already told me what I need to know. I’ve got books and all the information I need at home."

Rather than trying to have the perfect conversation at the perfect time, aim for authentic instead. It’s ok to say to your kids “My parents didn’t talk to me about sex or online porn so I might get nervous or embarrassed. Hang in there with me while I fumble over my words. It’s important to me that you know the truth, even if I’m a bit cringy.”

There will come a time in the future when we want our children to have an intimate, possibly embarrassing conversation with their partner. We want our kids to be capable of discussing things like birth control, monogamy, and condoms with their future partners.

When we model for them, feeling embarrassed and saying it anyway, we teach them the importance of intimate relationships.

With today’s culture of online porn and casual “hook-ups”, it’s great for kids to experience the benefit of emotionally intimate relationships, starting with these important but embarrassing conversations with parents.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Expecting your teen to misbehave

Do you want your teens to watch porn, have sex, drink and do drugs?

There is one sure fire way to get your kids to do these frowned upon activities and I see parents doing it all the time. All you have to think and say is, “I know they are going to do it anyways,”

When parents have this belief, “I know they are going to do it anyway.” They subconsciously send the message to their kids, that “this is what you are SUPPOSED to do.”

In education, we have this saying, “Children rise to your expectations”. When a parent expects their child to drink, experiment with drugs, have sex or watch porn, that’s exactly what happens.

This expectation keeps parents from giving information about the risks and consequences, or advising them not to do it. It also doesn’t give room for the teens opinion to come into play.

He might be scared or disinterested but feel like he is doing it wrong if he doesn’t live up to his parent’s expectations.

It may be that you want your child to fit in and be popular and you think that’s the only way it’s going to happen. Figure out how you WANT your teen to behave and start expecting that behavior.

EXPECTATIONS 

Do you want your child to be tempted but make healthy choices instead? Tell him you expect him to do that.

Do you want your child to have friends and romantic partners that have her best interest at heart? Tell her you expect her to find that.

Expect your child to listen and obey your rules around online porn. If he doesn’t, then take extra precautions and limit his access to technology.  However, always make sure you align your expectations with what you hope to see.

 

Supermom Power Boost: Teaching your kids about instincts and intuition

 

We are born with instincts designed to help us keep us safe. An instinct is a physiological response in the body.

When a giant spider surprisingly lands in your hair, you jump, scream and flail. Nobody taught you to do this, it’s just an instinctual reaction.

Intuition is the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. Or, a feeling that guides a person to act a certain way without fully understanding why.
Over time both of these senses evolve, picking up more information about what is normal and what isn’t.

I like to find examples of listening to instincts and intuition that don't scare kids.

TRUSTING INSTINCTS

I went on vacation on the French Island of Martinique. It was a tropical paradise: warm and beautiful with crystal clear waters.

As soon as I stepped into the warm sunshine, my instincts had me take off my long-sleeved shirt and walk to the water in my bikini.

Once in the water, I realized many of the other women were swimming and sunbathing with their tops off. One of these women came up and started talking to me. I felt so uncomfortable! My intuitive alarm bells were going off telling me this was not normal!

It was a physical feeling in the body of “uh oh” “weird” “wrong” but my brain told me to ignore it, look into her eyes and be polite.

After two days of seeing women without tops on, it felt totally normal to me. No more alarm bells going off, my intuition wasn’t telling me something was wrong.

Your son’s intuition was telling him that what he was watching was wrong. Pointing that out to him will help him learn to trust himself and his gut, keeping him safe in the future.

If he was continually exposed to online porn, like I was with the boobies, the alarm bells would stop going off and he would lose this sensitivity to knowing right from wrong.

Teaching your kids to trust their instincts and intuition can be a huge energy boost for mom. This is because you realize it’s not all up to YOU to keep your kids safe. They have a built-in mechanism designed for this purpose and are WAY better at listening to it than adults are!

INSTINCT AND INTUITION 

When I was a new mom, I hated the words instincts and intuition.

“Trust your gut” or “Listen to your maternal instincts” were so annoying. I had so much fear, anxiety and worry swimming around my brain that I couldn’t access the physical sensations in my body.

Kids are much more connected with their bodies. They haven’t developed the social skills to talk themselves out of what they know to be true.

Look for opportunities when your child listens to his intuition and point it out to him. Help him get familiar with this built in ability he has. Kids will often use words like “weird” “wrong” “funny” “uh-oh” or “cringy” to describe the feeling that something is off and their instincts have picked up on it.

 

Quote of the Day:

“You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations.”
― Gavin De Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Annoyed and Irritated? Why that’s important | Encore

 Dear Torie

So….my pre-teen just pointed out that every time I have to drive him somewhere, I act annoyed. (which annoyed me).

My teenager piggy backed on that saying I’m ALWAYS mad and yelling at her to pick up her things and do her chores. (which irritated me). My partner joined in saying he can’t remember the last time he and I had fun together (which TOTALLY pissed me off!). What is happening to me? Am I developing anger issues? 

The last few days I started observing every time I felt angry. I’m mad at other drivers who don’t drive more carefully around schools. I’m mad at the poor job our school is doing to accommodate my child’s learning disability. I’m mad that I have to work full time and have a full time messy house. 

I don’t think of myself as an angry person. If anything, I’m too nice and a bit of a pushover. Where do I go from here? 

Angelica

 

First, let me say it sucks when your family gangs up on you. That is not nice and I’m sorry you got called out in that way.    

Second, let’s talk about where NOT to go from here.    

Do not go from anger to guilt and shame. It’s tempting, but this is what keeps you stuck in the “exploding doormat” cycle. 

We turn into “exploding doormats” when we feel bad for yelling and being short or snappy, this guilt causes us to abandon our boundaries, cater to our kid’s desires. Ignoring our own desires and being overly accommodating, ignites our anger, (naturally and appropriately) which makes us snappy, continuing the cycle.   

This repression of anger does not help us learn the lessons anger is trying to teach us. Most women are taught to swallow their anger, keep it inside, and not express it.    

Some women learned to express anger in a way that violates other people’s boundaries. Yelling, blaming, cursing, name calling, are all unhealthy ways we have witnessed others express anger.    Anger has a purpose. It is here to help us identify injustices and give us the strength to right wrongs and set firm boundaries.    Rather than suppressing or expressing anger, we want to USE IT.    

Feel around in your body and mind for any anger you are carrying around with you. Look for anything that says, “It’s not fair.”    

 

The first step in turning rage into the fuel required to make change is compassion. This anger isn’t to be ignored or tolerated, it’s HEALTHY. Your anger is important! As you give it the reverence it deserves, you allow it to turn from suppression, to curiosity, to the strength you need to set healthy boundaries.   

Ask yourself, “What do I need that I’m not getting?”   

 If your answer is “I need my daughter to do her chores”, go broader. Get less specific and more general. Take a deep breath and ask again with compassion, “What do I need that I’m not getting?”   

 Listen for an answer from your HIGHER SELF. It may communicate in a one word answer: Support. Kindness. Respect. Justice. A break.    

Then ask yourself, “What am I experiencing that feels unbearable?”    

A lot of my Supermom clients are surprised at the answer their higher self gives them. While the critical, chatty left brain will give long-winded answers about all the changes that need to be made, the quiet wisdom of the right brain often lets them know that it’s loneliness, disconnection, and overwhelm that feels unbearable.    

When I was raging against the inequity of household responsibilities, and asked myself “What do I need that I’m not getting?” The answer was rest. I was driving myself so hard trying to PROVE that I was doing ALL THE WORK, I wouldn’t allow myself any leisure time. I felt guilty taking a break in the middle of the day. I couldn’t allow myself to spend time or money doing things I enjoyed. Having compassion for my anger helped me channel it into releasing the guilt and pressure I was putting on myself. I used my anger to override my inner drill sergeant and started having more fun.    

When I asked myself, “What am I experiencing that feels unbearable?” The answer was all the mental arguing I was doing trying to get my husband to change his ways. I took the blame off of him, and put 100% responsibility for how I was feeling on ME. This empowered me so much! I felt so free! I started learning more about what it’s like to be married to a rebel personality type with ADHD. Reading books and watching videos of other people in similar situations, gave me the support and compassion I struggled to give myself. I no longer waited for some imaginary permission slip to let me do what I wanted. I started taking weekends by myself, signing up for coaching programs, and doing things that brought me joy. The more I filled up my tank and prioritized how I felt, the less resentment I felt towards others. I didn’t change the amount of work I did, just my thoughts around it.

How do I get my kids to listen to me? | Encore

Episode #155 "How do I get my kids to listen to me? | Encore"

 

Question of the Day:

“I feel like I walk around all day barking orders. ‘Pick up your shoes, turn off the TV, finish your homework, clear your plate." I’m exhausted from the constant negotiating and push back I seem to constantly get and want to know, how the heck do I get my kids to listen to me?”  Christina

 

The Parent Education Answer

For 30 minutes a week, I teach English to kids who are new to the country. Getting kids to listen is to me is very important and the technique is quite simple.

You crouch down to their level, use very slow and deliberate speech, look them in the eye, make sure you are speaking clearly and repeat yourself if necessary, check with them to make sure they understand, and ask them to repeat what they heard you say.

If Christina was to do this, I'm sure her kids would listen to her. It would be hard not to! But what Christina is really asking, is how do I get my kids to OBEY me?

 

The Life Coaching Answer: (how to make actual, long lasting change)

I think the reason Christina is feeling so frustrated and exhausted is because she has the belief that "They should just do what I say." When we have the thought "They should do what I say AND THEY AREN'T," we get frustrated and annoyed. When we feel this way, we nag, complain, maybe even avoid asking for what we want because we assume we aren't going to get it. When we act this way, we aren't coming from our leadership energy. Kids are wired to follow a calm, confident leader. When we have the thought: "they should obey me," and they aren't doing it, we lose our confidence and authority. The kids pick up on our wimpy, angry energy and are more likely to ignore and avoid us.

If we want to change this dynamic, we need to question the thought "They should just do what I say." Is it true? Are you absolutely sure it's true that kids should obey every time, immediately, without negotiation? Try changing your thought to something that doesn't argue with reality, but accepts the actual situation instead.

 

"I'm so glad I have a normal kid who doesn't want to do chores."

"I can trust my kid to ignore me the first time I ask."

"She is showing me I'm not in my calm leadership energy."

The times you feel calm and in your leadership energy is the time to request something from your child. Look her in the eye, slow your speech, and ask for what you want.

The problem arises when we ask our kids to do things SO THAT WE CAN FEEL GOOD. We think that if they would step up and do what we are asking then we could feel relaxed, calm, and appreciated. When we do this, we are putting our ability to feel good into the hands of our disobedient child. Not a great plan! Instead, take responsibility for your emotions first and don't wait for your kid's obedience in order to feel the way you want to feel.

When we take responsibility for our own emotions, we have more control and increase our chances of getting what we want.

The energy of leadership comes from our posture, voice tone, facial expression, and eye contact. The thoughts we think are what effect these things. If we think, "My kid will comply when I'm in my calm, leadership energy" and we focus on the things we have control over (posture, voice, feelings, etc.) we are more likely to get what we want.

If we focus on things we don't have control over (what our child says, does and feels) we feel yucky and are less likely to get what we want.

 

Today's Supermom Krpytonite: EXPECTATION (the secret energy drain you might not know is making you tired). Listen to the story about my daughter on Halloween and how stressed out I became with the innocent thought: "This supposed to be fun." Align your expectations with reality to help you feel at peace with any situation.

 

Today's Supermom Power Boost: Decide ahead of time how you want to feel. Don't put your ability to feel good, in the hands of your child. Take responsibility for how you want to feel BEFORE negotiating with your kiddo.

Today's Quote:

"Expectation is the MOTHER of all frustration." Antonio Banderas

I can’t get anything done! - Replay

Episode #154 - I can’t get anything done! - Replay 

Question of the Day: 

I am thrilled that school is back in session —really I am—but I am gobsmacked at how little time I have for myself. I’ve been holding my breath waiting for all my kids to be in school at the same time so I could finally get a moment of peace. Now that it’s here, I feel trapped and overwhelmed by the schedule and everything on my to-do list.

Mornings are 100% about getting the kids out the door. There is no time for me unless I get up ridiculously early, and that feels like torture. Afternoons are complete chaos, trying to juggle carpooling, homework, and after school activities. I need to get dinner on the table all by myself while my attention gets pulled in a million directions.

While the kids are at school, I really should be exercising because it helps my stress level but how can I prioritize myself when there are so many other demands on my time? 

By the time the kids are in bed, I’m too exhausted to do anything. I’m so frustrated that this is my life and I can’t see any way out. 

Monique

P.S. My husband is a firefighter so he’s gone for extended periods of time. With fire season, it’s not like he’s off vacationing, but he’s so tired and out of sync with our routines that he is no help even when he’s home. 

Parent Educator Answer:

Can you hear what emotion Monique is in? Notice the energy with which she wrote this. Overwhelmed. Powerless. Trapped. Exhausted. 

Usually, I would start by giving you some tips and tricks to help you solve your problem. A good time management tip is to make a list of activities that require no brain power that you can do while distracted like laundry and dishes. Only do these activities when your kids are around. Save the activities that require your attention, like writing emails or trying a new recipe, until you have time for yourself. 

But any suggestions I give are just going to make her awful, when she already feels awful. 

When we are feeling this overwhelmed and exhausted, venting to a compassionate witness is the best medicine. My guess is that Monique felt a reprieve just by putting her words into an email. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way from getting what she wants? 

 

Can you imagine there is another mom out there with the same schedule and routine who doesn’t feel this way? 

Maybe there is a mom who feels busy and needed, but also valued and purposeful. Or maybe there’s a mom out there who feels guilty and ashamed for not getting more done in a day—she goes through her day quietly feeling like a failure. Maybe there’s a mom who doesn’t notice how much she accomplishes in a day—she doesn’t measure her worthiness by how much she gets done but cares more about how she looks.

So many times we look to other moms as evidence to prove that we aren’t good enough or we aren’t doing it right. I want you to look to other moms as examples of our flexible brains and how powerful our thoughts are. 

The reason Monique is feeling powerless is because of the words she is using. The words we use dictate how we feel. Words have power. 

When we use words like “I CAN’T get anything done” or “I SHOULD be exercising” or “I NEED to get dinner on the table”  It creates a helpless and powerless feeling in the body. We feel trapped. We can’t see any way out. Helplessness is one of the worst things for the human psyche. All humans have an innate desire to feel free.

Monique feels “trapped by the schedule” and “overwhelmed by the to-do list” as though they have more power than she does. The way she words“There’s no time for me”and “This is my life” as though she’s just reporting factual details, is going to give anyone the exact feelings she reports feeling. 

Notice how you feel when you think the thought “I am tired.” Tired, right? 

How about “I’m overwhelmed.” When I think it, my brain starts looking for all the things I have going on.

The “I am” statement is extremely powerful. Whatever follows those two words, you are guaranteed to experience. 

Our bodies don’t like when we lie. I wouldn’t suggest Monique saying “I am fully rested and happy to be here,” but she could ease into some softer “I am” statements with “I am tired but that’s ok.” “I am managing a busy schedule” to give her some more peace. 

 

The good news is that all this is fixable. She’s a perfect candidate for the Supermom is Getting Tired coaching program because she would feel SO MUCH BETTER at the end of the 12 weeks! 

 

The most important thing for Monique is recognizing that she is creating her negative emotions. She has more power than she realizes to change. Not in an “I’m not doing it right” way, (watch out for this inner demon who prevents you from making changes) but by thinking “There is a skill set I can learn that will dramatically improve my life.” 

 

The second thing Monique can do is to stop using the words “I CAN’T” “I HAVE TO” “I NEED TO” and “I SHOULD”. These words all create a feeling of helplessness and keep us feeling like prisoners with our children, house, and to-do list as our prison guards. 

To set yourself free from this mental prison, focus on what you want instead. 

“I want to feel calm.”  “I want to pick my kids up at school.” “I want to feed my family.”

If those don’t feel true, then switch to “I will” or “I intend to”. Remind yourself (daily), that you can do whatever you want to do. 

You don’t have to pick the kids up at school. You could go to the movies by yourself and make them wait for you or walk home. 

You don’t have to feed them dinner. You could listen to them complain or let them eat cereal for dinner. You might CHOOSE to feed them because you don’t like the alternative, but that freedom is yours for the taking. 

You don’t have to drive the soccer practice carpool. You might choose to because you want to do your part and you like seeing your daughter happy and sweaty afterwards. 

You don’t have to do laundry. Your kids can wear dirty stinky clothes and probably won’t even mind. You want to do laundry because you don’t want to be embarrassed.

 

We are always free. We are born free and die free. Even when we have three little monsters demanding food, time, and attention, we could walk out that door and never come back. We choose not to, because we love those little monsters. 

Supermom Kryptonite - Fighting for Freedom with Negative Liberty

 

You cannot turn on the news these days without someone shouting, “They are trying to take away my freedom!” I’ve been talking about the FEELING of freedom that is really important for our spirits. To live our best life, we need to believe we are free to do whatever we want. If not, we get stuck in fear. 

 

When people shout about politics “taking away freedom” they are talking about civil rights or civil liberties, “The rights of citizens to political and social freedom and equality.”  I don’t want to minimize this important distinction by saying you can feel free whenever you want. 

 

These are arguments of people “fighting for freedom”. See if you can guess what they are arguing for. 

(Mask wearing) “Requiring someone to wear something or do something is an overreach of governmental power”

(pro-choice) “Every human being has a right to own their own body and should be able to decide what to do with their body.”

(carry concealed weapons) “THIS issue is fundamental and essential to maintaining liberty as are the rights of free speech, free press, freedom of religion and other encroachments on liberty.”

(anti-vaxxers) “We are for medical freedom and body autonomy. Our bodies are ours, not for someone else to govern. We are fighting for our freedom.”

(euthanasia)  “We have the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Doctors should not be allowed to decide who lives and who dies.”

 

Let’s use the recent Texas court decision to ban all abortions after 6 weeks of pregnancy as an example. 

Women in Texas can still FEEL free by thinking “I still have choices. I can go to another state to have an abortion. I can take the morning after pill or find a “back-alley coat-hanger clinic” to do the job.” Texas has ruled to remove civil rights for half their population. Now making it one of the least free states in our country. 

 

There is actually something called the Human Freedom Index: A Global Measurement of Personal, Civil and Economic Freedom. In a very long and well researched academic report, the authors ranked countries in freedom and civil liberties, from highest to lowest. 

Which freedoms are considered in this Index? • Rule of Law • Security and Safety • Movement • Religion • Association, Assembly, and Civil Society • Expression and Information • Identity and Relationships • Size of Government • Legal System and Property Rights • Access to Sound Money • Freedom to Trade Internationally • Regulation of Credit, Labor, and Business.

 

Unsurprisingly, the top 10 countries that rank highest on happiness ratings, also ranked highest on the freedom index: Finland, Switzerland, New Zealand, Norway, Austria, Denmark, Canada, The Netherlands, and my family’s country of origin, Luxembourg, made the list in 2020. 

 

The U.S. ranked 17th on the freedom index and 18th on happiness. 

 

The Freedom Index defines freedom as a social construct that recognizes the dignity of individuals and is defined by the absence of coercive restraint. “Individuals have the right to lead their lives as they wish as long as they respect the equal rights of others.”

 

Countries that rank highest in freedom trust their citizens to make decisions that are right for them. They respect free will, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

 

So I can choose not to wear a mask at a grocery store, but when I do, I compromise the freedom of others to shop safely. So my freedom restricts the freedom of others. The government creates laws to help people enjoy their civil liberties. 

 

I love knowing that if I buy property, no one can take it away from me or without consequences. There are laws in place to protect my freedom to come home and not find squatters in my house. 

My beloved Costa Rica scores high on happiness rankings, but low on the freedom index because the legal system does not impose restrictions on criminals. They have negative liberty, meaning non-interference by government, so people can do what they want without consequences, but this impacts the security and economic freedom for a majority of citizens. 

 

Think about it this way. 

Negative Liberty is noninterference by others. If your kid doesn’t want to go to school, negative liberty means no interference. We’ve created laws that make this illegal because getting an education increases the child’s civil liberties, which increases access to economic, social freedom.

When your teen says, “You have no right to take away my cell phone! I should be free to watch porn all day if I want to!” You can say you are actually increasing his civil liberties, giving him access to education, jobs, transportation and relationships with real people. By restricting this one freedom you increase his access to a more fulfilling life. 

Positive Liberty removes the constraints that impede one’s personal improvement of the fulfillment of individual potential. Positive liberty cannot be imposed by others because we naturally have conflicting views on whether and how to achieve self-improvement. Positive freedom means different things to different people.

If you told your teen they have to play football to fulfill his potential and have a meaningful life, it restricts freedom because no one else can impose their idea of self improvement. 

When politicians decide that women are not allowed to make medical decisions about their own bodies, they are taking away freedom like a country that imposes marriage for 13 year olds. 

 

Supermom Power Boost: Practice feeling free

Freedom is not just an important FEELING but also a VALUABLE CIVIL RIGHT. Let’s make sure we have BOTH. One, by not imprisoning yourself with your thoughts and two, by not imposing your values and ideologies on others. 

Today’s Supermom Power Boost is to practice the feeling of freedom so you can experience how good it feels. 

The more free you feel, the happier you will be. 

When you interact with others, your joy will leak out and infect others. 

When you experience the benefits of freedom, you’ll want to encourage others to seek it for themselves (without assuming you know what’s right for them). 

 

My favorite way to practice freedom is with the thought, “I can do whatever I want!” 

I walk around my house thinking, “I can do anything I want to do right now! I can tidy, but I don’t have to. I can get on an airplane to Tahiti, but I choose not to. I can sit on my couch and read a book, but I would rather fold laundry. Isn’t this exciting?! 

I can be married, or single. I can earn money, spend money, or invest money. I can MAKE my teenager cuddle me, but I choose not to because she does not like it and I don’t want to take away her civil liberties!  I am free to become the best version of me! 

 

Quote of the Day: 

“There are two ways to go to the gas chamber, free and not free.” Jean Paul Sartre

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor E. Frankl

Rebroadcast: I feel bad for not playing with my kids

Episode #153

Question of the

 Day:

 

Dear Torie, 

I feel bad for not playing with my kids. They are super cute 5 and 8 year olds who happily live in the moment. I would love to be more like them. When they ask me to play, I TRY to say yes, but either I start cleaning up or I turn it into a lesson. 

The other day, they wanted me to swim in the pool with them. I WANT to be the kind of mom who can have fun playing in the pool with her kids!  I make myself stop cleaning and put my swimsuit on. I wasn’t in there 5 minutes before I started advising them on the proper breaststroke technique and making them swim laps. It’s like I forgot how to play.

My daughter wants me to shoot hoops with her in the street. I love that she is excited about playing basketball! I want to encourage her and play with her, but my attention span is so short. I tell myself “just play with her for 5 minutes” but it’s agonizing. I feel like I’m wasting time because there are so many things that need to get done. 

Can you help this “All work and no play” momma become fun-loving and playful? 

Tamika

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

The first thing that might be getting in your way is your “play personality”. 

You say you forgot how to play, but I would offer that what feels like play to your kids, may not feel like play to YOU. 

In the book Play, by Dr. Stuart Brown, he identifies 8 categories of play, explaining that not everyone plays the same way. It sounds like you are defining play the same way a kinesthete would, “If I’m not moving, it’s not play!”. You want to play with your kids, but if swimming and shooting hoops don’t shift you into a playful state, then “kinesthete” may not be your play personality. 

You might have more fun curled up on the couch reading books with your kids, or hosting a pool party for them and their friends. 

The 8 play personalities are: 

1. Kinesthete 
2. Storyteller
3. Director
4. Collector
5. Competitor
6. Creator/Maker
7. Explorer
8. The Joker

If you are a competitor, you can make swimming fun with “how long can you hold your breath” contests or “who can do the weirdest dive”. 

Because of your tendency to turn things into lessons, you might be a director, trying to create experiences for others. It could be more fun for you to create a “swimming pool obstacle course” or make a checklist of skills for your kids to master.

Figuring out what feels like play to you, can stimulate your brain, reduce the pressure you are putting on yourself and help you have more fun with your happy kids. 

 

Now let’s talk about the brain.

 

When neuroanatomist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, had a hemorrhage on the left hemisphere of her brain, she wrote an amazing book, My Stroke of Insight (and gave a famous TED talk) to help us understand the two hemispheres of the brain. 

Our right brains are all about this present moment, right here, right now. When we are in our right hemisphere, we experience a deep connection to all other energy beings and our environment. This side thinks in pictures and experiences life through our sensory systems. Our right brains love storytelling, music, movement, creativity, imagination, intuition and empathy. It’s the consciousness of the right hemisphere that causes us to feel playful, joyful, peaceful and connected to a larger whole. 

So the question Tamika asked “Why can’t I play with my kids?” is simple but very powerful. What she’s asking is “How do I switch from my left thinking brain, to my right thinking brain?” 

 

Learning how to manage the mind, to choose which part of your brain you want to be in depending on the circumstances, is the most powerful and beneficial skill set any of us can learn during these wild and unpredictable times we are living in! 

 

After her first book, people were so enamored by Dr. Taylor’s description of life with a healthy right brain and non-functioning left brain, she wrote another book called Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice. This book is the “how” to her first book’s “what”. 

Folks wanted to know..

HOW can we tap into our right hemisphere to experience deeper joy, peace and connection?

HOW do we quiet the left hemisphere of our minds so that we can drop into a playful state whenever we feel like it?

This is one of the goals of life coaching. 

Before we can CHOOSE , we need to recognize and name the 4 sections of the brain. In Whole Brain Living, Dr. Taylor talks about the 4 sections of the brain having 4 distinctly different personalities. 

1. Left Thinking - Thinks about past and future. Linear and methodical. Gets things done. Details. Categorizes. Plans. Verbal internal chatter. “I am…..” which separates me from everyone else. 
2. Left Feeling - Always afraid, Bad things are going to happen. 
3. Right Thinking - Creative, sensory, playful
4. Right Feeling - Fascinated, connected, no boundaries. Moments of inexplicable peace. Compassionate 

Everyone of us has these characters in their brain. Getting to know them, naming them, and  forming a relationship with each character helps give you the ability to CHOOSE which part of the brain to step into. 

The left thinking part of the brain is the Captain of the ship. It helps us gets things done. It watches the clock, reminds us of deadlines and goals, it keeps things moving along. It’s extremely valuable, but most Supermoms spend over 98% of the day in the left hemisphere of their brains. Many of my clients will bounce back and forth between character 1 - left thinking, and character 2 - left feeling. They may start their day with a to-do list, but start panicking when obstacles come up. When your kids won’t cooperate, it can send you into left feeling, character 2. 

Tell yourself you are “falling behind” on tasks, worry about your boss getting mad at you, or anticipate the embarrassment of your mother in law seeing your messy house, can send a Supermom from Character 1 into Character 2.

When your kids invite you to play, they are inviting you into the right thinking part of your brain. This playful, creative, live in the moment, expansive, imaginative, connected, part of all us DOES still exist. It is a part of your neuro-anatomy, even if you find it difficult to access, it’s nice to know it is still there. 

The more you identify and notice times when you’ve been in your right brain, the easier accessing it will become. So the answer to why can’t I play with my kids, is because you are in your left brain, and perhaps trying to play in a way that isn’t fun for you. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from hopping into your right brain on command? FEARS

Fear is an emotion in the body. It comes from two places, our instincts and our thoughts. 

I remember sitting WAY UP HIGH on a ropes course, held up by one cable above me and a tiny piece of wood below me. I was scared out of my mind. My heart was pounding. My palms were sweating. My mouth was dry. My body was shaking but my verbal mind was quiet. When I got to a place where I could stop and gather myself for a minute, I remember thinking “This is what REAL fear feels like….and it’s pretty damn exhilarating”. The fear I felt on a daily basis I called “fake fear”.

 

Fake fear comes from scary thoughts inside our head. It’s the verbal, left feeling brain creating imaginary future scenarios, or replaying past scenarios, that we react to as though they are actually happening right now. 

 

“If I take time to play with my kids, work will pile up and I’ll get overwhelmed with work later.” 

 

“A good mom would be able to keep the house clean, put dinner on the table, and happily swim in the pool with the kids when they ask.” 

 

“I don’t have time to play! My boss will be mad, the teacher will think I’m flaky, my kids will get cranky, and I won’t have accomplished anything today!” 

 

Telling yourself “I should have more fun with my kids” is a sure fire way to suck the joy out of the afternoon. 

In order to choose which section of the brain you go into at any given moment, we need to release the fears that keep you stuck.

There are many ways to release fears. Two of the best ways Tamika could practice releasing fears on her own, is exercise and breath work. 

When the brain goes into the fight or flight response, blood rushes to our extremities, we start sweating and our heart rate increases. You may need to run to the toilet but this physiological response happens without our permission or consent. Even though we might be creating it with a stressful thought like “I can’t mess up”, once the Central Nervous System takes over, it’s on automatic pilot.

When we enter this physiological state, it’s helpful to act on it by going for a run, riding a bike, punching pillows or somehow “fighting or fleeing”. If you have stressful thoughts, any exercise where you work up a sweat can be tremendously helpful to shift you out of fear, and into the state of rest and play. 

The other way to release fear is to shift your brain out of the fight or flight state. The one part of this fight/flight state we have control over is our breath. We can’t force ourselves to stop sweating or redirect the blood flow in our body, but we can take deliberately slow, deep breaths.  If you encounter a bear in the wild, you will automatically take short shallow breaths. When you are relaxing in a hammock under a palm tree, you automatically take slow and deep breaths. When our body goes into fight or flight, but we take slow deep breaths, we confuse our brains. The deep breathing tricks our Central Nervous System into shifting to a relaxed state. 

Both exercise and breath work bring you into the present moment, which shifts you into the right hemisphere of your brain, which shifts you into a playful brain state. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Too much left brain thinking

 

Kids are great at living on the right side of their brain. They live in the moment, use their imagination, their creativity and exist in a state of play. 

Parents and teachers dwell on the left side of their brain. We remind kids about the existence of rules, about cleaning up, about time, about what’s coming next. It takes a strong left brain to manage the comings and goings of a family. Doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, and getting to school on time, could not be managed without a strong left brain. 

Every time we talk about the plan for the day, or teach them to read from left to right, we are encouraging our children’s left brain thinking. 

Today’s Supermom Kryptonite is an over-development of our left brains. 

If we spend too much time following rules, watching the clock, accomplishing tasks, we lose out on the beautiful gifts of right brain thinking. Instead of always trying to bring your kid over to the left brain, try joining them in the right brain. 

Your kid is playing with superheroes instead of eating breakfast….incorporate the two. Have the superhero eat breakfast with your child, taking turns powering up with fuel to fly into the car.

Some of my favorite ways to do this are: 

 

“Do Nothing” Days - Create a span of time where the only goal is to accomplish nothing.

Exercise Classes are so good for my creative idea machine I sometimes bring a notebook to class. 

Sitting in the sunshine for 5 minutes and focusing on my breath. 

Going for a walk in nature without my phone (if no one’s watching, sometimes I skip :)

Sacred pet the doggy time, sacred chocolate, morning coffee

Floating in water: hot tubs, pools, lakes, etc.

Watching the sunset

Holding a newborn baby

Dancing 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Meditation

 

You’ve probably heard a lot about this concept of meditation which is why it took 105 episodes for me to mention it as an energy power boost. 

Meditation is this magical pill that has no adverse side effects but scientific studies show it can help decrease anxiety, depression, insomnia, blood pressure, symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome, menopause, cravings and addictive impulses. Meditation is also shown to improve immune system function, boost attention span, memory, creativity, productivity, self awareness, happiness and emotional well being. 

If you had a pill that did all these things wouldn’t you take it? The problem is this pill is really hard to swallow! 

Most people hear about meditation and think, “How hard can that be?”....and then they try it. 

When our left verbal brain has been in charge for a long time, it’s not going to relinquish control that easily. This “Captain of the Ship” is going to fight like crazy to stay in charge. When you first try to meditate, expect to get squirmy, distracted, and find a million more compelling things that urgently need your attention. 

 

But the more you try it, the easier it gets. This magical pill becomes easier to swallow. The resistance to meditation subsides and you start to look forward to this break from the left thinking brain. 

The biggest benefit of meditation is the same thing life coaching provides. It sits YOU in the driver’s seat of your brain. Every time you have an impulse to get up off your chair, and you force yourself to sit back down, you declare dominion over your mind. The spirit and essence of YOU gets to be in charge. YOU get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, the actions you want to take, no matter what your default wiring might be based on the past.

Quote of the Day:  “Western women will save the world” Dalai Lama

I feel bad , all the time, about everything

I feel bad , all the time, about everything.

Episode #152  How to feel better about everything

 

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie

You asked me on the coaching call what area of my life is causing me the least satisfaction. I’ve given it some thought and realized, it’s not just one area. 

I feel bad. All the time. About everything. 

My parents want to have more time with my kids. They would love to see them everyday but we live too far away for that to be possible.I feel bad about that. I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandparents so I feel bad for the kids, like it’s my fault they can’t see their grandparents more often. 

I feel bad that I didn’t send my kids to sleepaway camp. I loved going to camp as a kid but they didn’t seem interested and I couldn’t find anyone else who wanted to do it. I feel bad that I want a week without them and none of the other moms seems ready to let go of their kids. I feel bad that my kids are stuck at home this summer watching too much TV. 

I feel bad missing my daughter’s dance showcase but if I go, I have to miss work again and then I’ll feel bad about missing work. Then I feel bad for not having my shit together like other moms who manage to balance both. 

I feel bad for having a partner who helps out so much when there are single moms out there doing this on their own. 

I feel bad complaining about my kids’ picky eating when other moms are worried about serious issues like diabetes.

See what I mean? 

How do I stop feeling bad so I can feel better about EVERYTHING? 

Anika

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

It’s exhausting to constantly feel bad about things you don’t have control over. This is a HUGE Supermom Kryptonite so let’s undo this toxic social conditioning ASAP. 

Let’s start by unpacking what it means when you say “I feel bad”. 

Feeling bad is a handy catch all meaning you are experiencing a negative emotion. 

When trying to identify an emotion, try to think of only one word.

Most people, when asked to define “feeling bad” say it’s closest to guilt. 

The purpose of guilt is to help us identify something we have done wrong so that we can apologize, make amends, ask for forgiveness, and not make the same choice again in the future. Feeling guilty feels uncomfortable so we do what we can to alleviate this discomfort so that we can go back to feeling “good”. 

Guilt is an important emotion designed to help us preserve our relationships.

For example, you miss work to go to your daughter’s showcase…..every week. Your boss starts to question your commitment. She asks if she should readjust the schedule to accommodate your time off. Your coworkers are put off that they have to cover for you. You start to feel guilty. You don’t like this guilty feeling so you decide to miss the next showcase and go to work instead. The guilt goes away but then you miss the next 4 showcases and you start feeling guilty about not attending your daughter’s recent performances. You choose the showcase over work but this time, you don’t feel guilty because you are more in balance. 

This is how we can use guilt to guide us towards preserving our relationship with our kids, as well as our boss and co-workers. 

The problem is that so many of us feel “bad/guilty” we haven’t actually done anything wrong. 

Is it wrong that you live far away from your parents? No.

Is it wrong that you value sleepaway camp more than others? No. 

Is it wrong that you have a helpful partner or that you get frustrated by your kids’ picky eating? Not at all. 

We don’t really have words to explain “feeling bad for no reason” or “feeling guilty for existing and being yourself.”  So I’m going to offer two new definitions to explain this common feeling.

• Projection Reflection - Imagining someone else is suffering, then feeling a negative emotion because of this imagined suffering. 

For example, you might imagine your parents sitting home on a Saturday afternoon, sad and lonely, wishing they could be with their grandkids. Then you start feeling “bad” because of the sad image you created in your mind. In reality, they might be out having fun or enjoying the peace and quiet of the moment, but in your MIND you picture them having a negative emotion, and then your BODY starts to experience a negative physical feeling, in reaction to YOUR PROJECTION. Your mind projects suffering, and then you feel the reflection. 

•  A "Poke” - When someone disagrees with us, our decisions or values, I’m going to call it a poke.

Sometimes in life, we get poked. Nobody likes being poked. It’s not a comfortable feeling. Sometimes it’s annoying, other times it actually hurts. But it’s harmless and just something we have to live with and not give it much attention.

 

For example: You are talking on the phone with your mom and she says, “I wish I could see the kids this weekend. Why did you have to move so far away? I don’t get enough time with them.” 

Your first reaction might be to feel guilty, but then you examine your guilt and realize YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You LIKE living a few hours away from your parents. You ENJOY having some space and distance between you. There is nothing wrong with this. 

I’m calling it a “poke” when someone expresses different values and desires than yours. 

 

You want to send your kids to sleepaway camp. Your friend says something like:

“Aren’t they a little young for that?” or 

“I would miss my kids too much if they were gone for two weeks this summer.” or 

“Must be nice to be able to afford sleepaway camp, it’s way too expensive for our family.” 

 

These are “pokes”. Their values are different from yours. This is not a problem. It’s just a reminder that we value different things and as much as we’d like everyone in the world to support our decisions and agree with us, it’s not realistic.  

 

Life Coaching Answer: How to feel better about everything

At the root of “feeling bad” all the time about everything, is a general feeling of unworthiness. Sometimes, our culture teaches us that experiencing the best things in life is selfish. We learn to become uncomfortable with joy, well being, contentment, abundance, wealth, health, freedom and love. 

Is it because advertisements use our insecurities to sell their products? “Feeling bad? Drink this and then you’ll be happy and healthy.” 

Is it because our friends in middle school would pull us down a notch whenever we were feeling too smart, too pretty, too talented, or too confident? 

I don’t know, but it is pervasive. Feeling bad keeps us small and meek. We don’t dream big when we’re worrying about other people’s reactions. We don’t go after what we want in life when we’re worried about other people’s values “poking” us and keeping us in our place. "Feeling bad" is toxic and we need to get over it ASAP. 

 

Because I care deeply about others, I thought that the way to show I care deeply was to “feel bad”.  I heard, “People are starving in Africa so you need to eat your lima beans.” I never understood the connection but I did learn that a good person “feels bad” for the starving people. Whenever I saw someone in a wheelchair I would "feel bad" for having legs. Is this guilt? No, because I didn't do anything wrong. Somehow the message to feel grateful got turned into feeling guilty, unworthy and undeserving of the privileged life I was living. 

 

But if we waited for everyone else to be free from suffering, we would never be happy. How can we celebrate the 4th of July when the war in Ukraine still rages? Someone, somewhere will always be suffering so when would we ever be able to feel happy, loving, joyful and free? 

The turning point for me was realizing that “feeling bad” did not encourage good, productive action. This bad emotion does not drive good behavior. 

When I hear about what it’s like to have a child with diabetes, my heart goes out to them. It sounds so stressful and scary. My body reacts with negative emotion. My stomach clenches, I pull in, I tell myself I’m bad for complaining about my kids’ picking eating. I withdraw. 

“Feeling bad” for moms dealing with diabetes does not make me reach out to them. This Projection Reflection does not motivate me to offer a helping hand, donate to charities, pay for medicine, etc. It makes me feel small, unworthy, inadequate and not good enough. When I do reach out with kindness, I STILL feel like it’s not enough. When I do donate my time or money,  my negative emotion doesn’t go away.  I’m imagining they are suffering and then suffering right along with them. 

When you realize that “feeling bad” does not make you a good person, or make you spread kindness and love throughout the world, it’s time to let it go. 

 

Are you worthy of love, belonging, acceptance, joy, health and abundance? 

Listen to the podcast when I talk about babies in bassinets and you will have your answer. 

 

Next time you catch yourself feeling bad, ask yourself, “What emotion does the world need more of?” 

Does the world need more blame and guilt or does it need more forgiveness and kindness?

Does the world need more suffering or more happiness? 

Does it need more thoughtful, empathic women playing small, or does it need empathic women to speak louder and demonstrate love? 

Then commit to your values and be the change you want to see in the world. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Not knowing what your values are

Sometimes it’s clear, you value love over fear. But through the process of raising kids, our values can get murky. Should I send my kid to sleepaway camp even though the other parents aren’t? Does my introverted kid need more social activities or is it ok for him to spend so much time at home where he’s happy? 

I’m struggling with my values around underage drinking. I would have been content to do what my parents did, no drinking in until you are 21. It’s the law. Everyone agrees, Easy Peasy. 

Except that when I was in Costa Rica, someone offered my son a drink and he said yes. What?! I had no say in the matter. He’s an adult. The drinking age is 18. I wasn’t paying for it so there was no decision for me to make. It felt so strange. 

In Europe I let loose and bought drinks for my kids, but here, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Why?  My dad has a glass of wine every night with dinner, that seems just fine but when my kids want to drink with dinner, it seems totally wrong. My husband is offering cocktails while I’m offering smoothies. I’m the only one in my family still clinging to the arbitrary 21 year old drinking age. Not knowing what my values are makes it harder for me to relax and enjoy hanging out with my kids. 

Life is always going to throw us curve balls and force us to update our values. Taking the time to unpack it and figure out what is important to you is worth it every single time. 

Ask yourself these questions to help clarify your values: 

 

Why is this bugging me? Am I doing a projection reflection?

Yes,  I’m imagining people thinking I’m a bad mom for allowing/encouraging my kids to drink. I’m imagining my kids developing a drinking problem and the mean things I’m going to say to myself should that occur in the future. I’m reacting to my future self telling me it’s my fault because I poured them a drink at 19 instead of 21. 

 

Am I being poked by someone else’s values disagreeing with mine? Yes, I’ve been poked my kids and husband having different opinions than me. 

 

What is the value that is important to me that I don’t want to let go of? I value a healthy, balanced lifestyle. 

 

What am I ready to let go of? The belief that I’m a bad mom for not obeying this U.S. law while on U.S. soil. 

 

Get clear on your values and you will feel more energized and at peace. 

Supermom Power Boost - A slice of shifting stillness

We have all the parenting answers we will ever need but in the chaos of everyday life, it can be hard to access our inner wisdom. Meditation is the gold standard but it’s not always easy for busy moms to sit still. That’s ok. You can still access your inner wisdom while moving. 

Ask yourself a high quality question like, “What am I ready to let go of?” or “What value is important to me that I don’t want to let go of?” 

Then go for a hike, a drive, a bike ride. Any kind of repetitive movement can help you sit in the stillness and allow those answers to come from within. Fly a kite, bake a cake, get a massage, doodle, walk a labyrinth, it doesn’t need to be exercise, just a slice of shifting stillness that will distract your left brain so you can access the inner wisdom that lies on the right hemisphere of your brain. 

 

Quote of the Day: 

For today's quote, I read an excerpt from Orli Auslander's book, "I Feel Bad". This is a funny look at the toxic habit of "feeling bad" when we haven't actually done anything wrong.

Also check out the short lived TV sit com with the same title, based on the book.