Supermom is Getting Tired

Relief from Money Worries

Episode # 171 - Relief from Money Worries with Liz Carroll

I coach moms on whatever is stressing them out the most.

So even thought I focus mostly on parenting issues, money is something that effects all of us and is a big source of stress.

Today I am interviewing Liz Carroll from MindfulMoneyMethod.com. She's going to talk to us about how to build your own Financial Freedom & Relief Plan.

I love her approach and I know you will, too, because it's all about reducing fear, overwhelm, guilt and shame. Plus, she specializes in working with women our age!

 

 

Liz Carroll is a life-long student and teacher of making mindful money moves. Originally believing she was "bad with money," Liz did the hard work to rewrite her money story. She needed to drop limiting beliefs about how a woman can earn and manage money to set her up for financial success in a way she would commit to and follow. It worked. Liz attained financial independence and retired early from her corporate IT sales career.

Now, in her encore career, Liz helps other women experience calm confidence with their finances by unpacking and shifting their own money story. She has the unique ability to shed light onto darkness around money, making complex personal finance issues simple. She created the Mindful Money Method, a financial wellness course and coaching program that utilizes a holistic approach to math, mindset and soul-guided desires. Liz is a Certified Financial Coach from Ramsey Solutions, a Certified Life Coach from The Life Coach School and a 200-RYT Yoga & Meditation Instructor from Purna Yoga College. She and her husband live on the Oregon Coast. Their adult children visit regularly.

 

The Mindful Money Method 9 week Class starts July 2nd! (and I've got a secret discount code for Supermoms!)

This class is for you if you feel:

Unorganized or Overwhelmed Managing Money

Anxious or Guilty Spending About Money

Trapped or Resentful Earning Money

Lost or Confused on Your Next Money Move

It doesn't matter if you are $250K in debt or have a $5M net worth. This is course is for you if you are feeling irresponsible, anxious or overwhelmed by money.

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Use coupon code MINDFUL 30 to get 30% off!! 

Sign up at https://www.mindfulmoneymethod.com/yes

 

Become a woman that EARNS without shame or resentment, SPENDS without guilt or remorse and INVESTS without anxiety or overwhelm.

Take a deep breath, the Mindful Money Method is like yoga for your money, calm & effective.

How to become a fun mom instead of a nagging mom

[caption id="attachment_15360" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] fun mom[/caption]

Episode #170 - How to turn off "Task Master mode" and have fun with my 13 year old boy.

Question of the Day:

I’m pretty sure my kid is going to grow up and remember me as a nagging, grumpy task master. He’s barely 13 and our relationship is already on thin ice. On the rare ocassions when I can relax and be silly with him, his whole demeanor changes and we get along great. I know that my attitude effects him in (mostly) in a negative way.

I don’t think of myself as negative, I relax and have fun with friends or co-workers. It’s just when I see my son, I see a walking to-do list. He might be telling me about his day at school but in my head, I hear “Ok, he needs to email the teacher about this and I’ll need to buy posterboard and glue sticks.” or I’ll see him laying on the couch and think, “he needs to wash his feet they are gross”, but then he does it and I immediately switch to, “and now he should clean his room and do his laundry.”

I don’t see him as a playmate or someone to have fun with (unless I’m on vacation). Maybe I don’t know how to have fun with a 13 year old boy? But he responds so well when I’m silly and playful, I think we could both enjoy these years more if I could learn how to become a fun mom instead of a nagging mom.

 

Parent Educator Answer: Use your left brain to connect to your right.

Your self awareness is this question is super impressive. You know you have a conditioned response to “mother” him instead of “play” when you see him. You see that he responds well when you are light and playful. You want him to remember you as a fun mom as well as a mom who gets things done so your motivation is there. It sounds like you just aren’t sure how to do it.

How do you look at a kid with incomplete tasks, dirty feet, a messy room and ignore it all and see him as someone to have fun with?

How does one switch their brain from productive Task Master momma to the “relax and play” brain channel?

You’ve got to use your left brain to connect to your right.

Play, creativity, and humor are right brain activities. Productive Task Master Momma is a left brain activity so I say we use that left brain in order to access the right.

First is to recognize that this is probably how you have organized your life for the last decade or two. You wake up in the morning with a question in your mind, “What needs to get done?” and then you get to work accomplishing tasks. Once those tasks are complete, you relax and play. This might have worked for you in the past but no adolescent wants to be seen as a walking to-do list.

You’ll want to give your brain an update. Let it know that you are no longer responsible for his dressing, feeding, personal hygeine, and basic care. He does not represent chores for you to complete, he is a little human looking to share his experiences with you.

The reason you want him to finish all his tasks is so that you can relax and then find some fun. But instead of this work first, relax second habit, think about flowing between work and play in a more relaxed and playful way. Little kids do this naturally, work and play naturally flow with one to another. This is a more natural, less stressful way to live.

I had a client whose son was planning his birthday celebration. It started out small, just an outing with a couple of friends. But then he started adding on people, and activities. “First we go bowling, then we meet up with more friends at the mall and take them paint balling, then pizza and a sleepover, etc.” My client was getting stressed out by his enthusiastic planning but instead of getting serious with him, she got silly and joined in. “That sounds awesome, and then we’ll get the whole 7th grade to pile into rented party buses and drive to Disneyland!” Not only did he love her light hearted response, he got the message that he was going overboard with his planning and she didn’t have to be the negatvie task master.

 

The book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, authors Faber and Mazlish call this strategy “Giving them what they want in fantasy.” It helps kids feel understood, while not actually giving in to what they want.

Another strategy this book gives is to use roll playing to keep things light. When he’s telling you about school and you are hearing a to-do list in your head, take out a yellow pad of paper and pretend you are his secretary. “Poster board and glue stick from the dollar store. Is there anything else I can do for you sir?”

When you see his dirty feet on the couch you can try on a foreign accent pretending to be a shocked and offended housekeeper or a butler for the British royal family who cannot believe the horror he is witnessing.

One of the nice changes puberty brings to adolescents is the ability to understand sarcasm. Not everyone gets it, so be sure not to offend, but see if this can be a fun way to add silliness to your parenting repertoire. “I know how hard it is for you to relax when your room is messy so I’ll keep this seat warm for you while you go tidy up. Someday you’ll be a chilled out lazy bum like your Momma.” Saying the opposite of reality will throw him off guard.

 

Plan and prepare for playfulness.

You don’t have to be in a light hearted mood, in order to create a light hearted mood. Picking my kids up at school was not a joyful time. They were grumpy and exhausted and humor wasn’t on anyone’s minds. I would sit in car line and google a joke to tell them when they got into the car or find a silly video I thought they would enjoy. I used my serious left brain, to help all of us shift into a more relaxed, playful state.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way of using your left brain to access a more playful state of mind? Our central nervous system.

If our task list triggers a fight or flight response, it’s going to be really hard to change that channel.

The Central Nervous System acts like a traffic signal. Red is the FREEZE response. Yellow is the FIGHT / FLIGHT response. Green is PLAY, RELAX, SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT. HUMOR. SILLINESS. LIGHT HEARTED.

When we get overwhelmed by too many tasks, or believe there are dire consequences for not getting through our to-do list, this inner Task Master isn’t going anywhere.

The Top 5 most popular mantras that keep mom’s central nervous systems out of the green, relaxed, play state are:

“If I take my eye off the ball, something important will slip through the cracks.”
“If I take time to rest and play, more work will pile up.”
“If I make light of this situation, my kid won’t understand how important it is.”
“A good mom wouldn’t allow this behavior.”
“If I don’t address this small problem now, bigger problems will arise later.”

It takes time, attention, and a skilled life coach to help you let go of these beliefs but the reward for your effort is a more relaxed and playful relationship with yourself as well as your kiddo.

 

Supermom Power Boost

Try this brainstorming activity to try and have more fun with your teenager.

Draw a 2 circle venn diagram (or 3 if you want to include another parent).

Write your name and your kids name in separate circles, then list things that seem fun to each of you. Fun is a feeling, not an activity, but there are certain activities that help encourage us to be present, connected, and playful.

Think of things that you love to do. Times when you said, "That was really fun". Look for themes like....

Nature, Uncertainty, Risk, Intellectual Stimulation, Physical Activity, Teaching, Exploring, Creating, Collecting, Entertaining, Learning, Strategizing, Performing, Demonstrating Mastery, Playing Games.

Write down some activities you love to do in your circle. Write down things your teen enjoys in his circle, and see if there is any overlap. If you can't find any, get less specific and more general. Let's say he likes wrestling and you like yoga, an overlap could be "physical activity". From there you might discover rock climbing as something new you'd both like to try.

 

Quote of the Day:

"We can control whether we merely endure our days or experience and enjoy them. We can control whether we arrive on our deathbeds feeling like we’ve wasted our time or end up satisfied with how we’ve spent our brief moment in the sun." Catherine Price  The Power of Fun

 

 

The Letting Go Challenge

Letting Go

As parents, we are in a constant state of letting go. Some of these things are easy like diapers or being woken up in the middle of the night. Others are hard like being the center of your child's world and hugs.

This week we are talking about Letting Go and the Who's, What's, Why's and How's of it.

Please join Torie Henderson and spiritual guide Sarah Trapkus for the 5-Day Letting Go Challenge starting Monday inside the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group. 

Monday, May 13 - Friday, May 17, we will be mastering the fine art of letting go. Join us in the Facebook Group.

 

Enneagram #9 - The Peacemaker

Enneagram Type 9

The Peacemaker - The Mediator

[caption id="attachment_14948" align="alignright" width="997"] Enneagram Type 9[/caption]

If you resonate with every number on the enneagram, you might be 9.

The Enneagram Type 9 can be called the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. What they lack is a strong sense of their own identity.

Being a separate self, an individual who must assert herself against others, is terrifying to Nines. They would rather melt into someone else or quietly follow their idyllic daydreams.

Cool, calm and collected with a zen like presence, nines have the ability to diffuse conflict with ease. They are generally liked by most people and have a wide circle of acquaintances. 

Nines are defined by their desire to maintain a sense of inner peace and harmony, and to avoid conflict or other emotional disturbances. They are typically agreeable, calm, and easy to be around.

Empathetic and observant, Type 9’s can make loving and attentive parents. They strive to create a cozy and comfortable home, with harmony and kindness on the inside. 

Enneagram Type Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. While they typically go with the flow, they dislike being controlled and will respond with passive resistance if pushed too far.

 

Core fear: Being separated and disconnected from others. They cope with this fear by submitting to the desires of the people around them. 

Core desire: Inner stability and peace 

Core motivation: To avoid tension and conflict, to preserve things as they are, and to create harmony in the environment. They agree in order to be included. 

 

Nines want to avoid the disturbing aspects of life and seek peace and comfort by “numbing out.” Nines run away from the problems and negative emotions of life by seeking to find simple and painless solutions to their problems.

Nine can often be physically present, but disappear into their minds and imaginations. They are Queens of coziness, laying in bed, reading books, numbing out, avoiding decisions and problems. Like Type 7’s invented FOMO, Type 9’s invented “procrastiworking”. Cleaning, tidying, organizing, or doing easy and mindless work tasks as a way to avoid the big uglies. 

Type 9 Peacemakers are social chameleons who can adapt to the group dynamic easily and help others get along. They’re soft-spoken yet loyal and fun to be around, intuitively knowing how to include and engage everyone in conversation.

Peacemakers retain their self-esteem through being kind and helpful to others. They enjoy the comfortable side of life and love to have a personal space to recharge from the outer world.

Many are deep seekers of meaning and have a fond appreciation of spirituality and a sense of connectedness with the universe.

 

3 Questions to help determine if you might be a 9

1. Do I struggle with dormant anger and voicing my own opinion?
2. Do I blend personality based on the people I am with?
3. Do people find you easy to approach and non-judgmental in almost all circumstances?

If so, you might be a Type 9 Peacemaker

[caption id="attachment_14949" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type 9[/caption]

Charlotte was a friend who had hired me because she noticed she was using food to soothe herself and feel comfortable and she was worried about her weight gain. She knew I wasn’t a weight coach but she felt comfortable with me and that is what mattered most to her. She didn’t want to talk to anyone else.

She talked about how much she wanted to lie in bed for hours on end. All she wanted to do was seek comfort by reading books, lying in bed, and eating. She was going through the motions of her life, cooking, driving her kids, laundry, etc. but she felt numb. Her body was present but her spirit wasn’t fully alive. 

Type 9’s are the most empathetic of all types and can take on the emotions and energy of the people around them. She had married a type 8 with a strong personality and loads of energy. Being around him naturally energized her and his confidence and fearlessness made her feel brave and alive. 

But her energy source husband changed when he came down with a serious illness. He became angry, needy and anxious. She became his caretaker and nurse, trying to bring him back to health. As his treatments ended and his recovery began, Charlotte began to fall apart. 

She lost touch with her own wants and desires and was suppressing her anger that her life had been derailed. She resented that her husband, not only wasn’t appreciative of all she had done for him, but who’s bad mood was bringing her down.

Once Charlotte had an understanding of the big picture and why she was seeking comfort through food and avoidance of life, she started reconnecting with her desires. 

Like most 9’s, her number one desire was to have time to herself because it’s the only way 9’s can connect with their essence and who they are at their core. She started advocating for her own needs with her husband. She asked him to bring her coffee in bed every morning and then leave her alone for an hour, and he was happy to give her something she really wanted.

Overtime, Charlotte learned to listen to her anger to help build stronger connections with herself as well as her partner. She learned to listen to her fatigue as a way to pay attention to her own wants and needs. 

The more she advocated for herself, the more confidence she started to have. As her husband’s health improved, she felt ready to get back to her hobbies and interest that were separate from him. 

 

Nine’s are generally composed and have a calming presence, which automatically help s diffuse tense situations. 

They are compassionate and understanding, able to see things from multiple perspectives.

Healthy Nines are flexible and can adjust well to changes or different environments.

Non-judgemental, patient and accepting, Type 9 moms are the ones you want to come to talk about your problems. Their ability to reassure others and listen attentively means they can become a confidant, sounding board, or dumping ground for emotional / hormonal teenagers. 

Their ability to put themselves in others’ shoes and feel what other people are feeling can cause them to lose themselves while raising kids. Over-empathizing wipes them out, making them feel exhausted just from being around others. 

 

Here are some struggles Enneagram Type 9’s have while parenting

1. Piling up unresolved issues because of a desire to avoid conflict. 
2. Difficulty making decisions. 
3. Loss of Identity: They may struggle to assert their individuality and may merge with others' identities or preferences.
4. Self Neglect. Difficulty advocating for their own needs. Lack of assertiveness. 
5. Difficulty saying no and setting boundaries. 
6. Escapism: Type 9s may use distractions or numbing activities to avoid facing uncomfortable emotions.
7. Resentment: If their needs are consistently ignored, they may harbor resentment or passive-aggressive feelings.
8. Fatigue and exhaustion caused from over-empathizing and being too “spongey”.

 

Missy came to life coaching complaining about her “laziness”. She was frustrated with herself for “not being able to get anything done” and spending every weekend too exhausted to do anything. 

She felt like other moms were much more efficient and productive with their time. She was planning to have her thyroid checked out because her exhaustion felt so extreme. 

Missy was a teacher who worked with 30+ kids everyday, then came home to 3 kids of her own. She was a big hearted, enneagram type 9 who strived to create harmony wherever she went. 

Missy didn’t realize she was soaking up the energies of the people around her. She didn’t have any ENERGETIC boundaries and was OVER EMPATHIZING with the many children in her life (which is a tricky, invisible thing but very tangible to those suffering from it!). 

The first thing we did was to reframe “lazy” as “taking on other people’s stuff”. Nine’s are the spongiest of all types and can easily lose themselves in relationship with others or while raising kids. When Missy felt exhausted, she needed to release the self criticism and find tools to “wring out” other people’s stuff and clear her energy. 

This was all pretty strange to Missy who came for productivity life hacks but she immediately could feel the results and quickly became a believer. 

She needed to find ways to preserve her energy so it wouldn’t leak out so quickly. We used the vivid imagination 9’s are known for and imagined putting a bubble around her to prevent her from taking on the emotions of others. The kids weren’t aloud inside her bubble unless they were feeling peace, love and harmony. 

Missy learned going straight to a restorative yoga class after school helped her purge the energies of the day. Walking alone in nature on the weekends helped her feel connected to her spirit but she had to discipline her mind not to think about her kids while walking. 

Missy learned that energy is a renewable resource. Just because she felt exhausted, didn’t mean her only option was to flatline and then shame herself for her lack of productivity. It’s just the fixes were internal, not external. 

Type 9’s need to be careful with self care. Getting a massage, without doing the inner energy clearing, means they just end helping and healing the massage therapist. Going out with girlfriends means they just soaked up even more energy from friends, waiters, uber drivers, etc. 

Invisible problems like over-empathy, require invisible solutions. This inner work of clearing energy, imagining invisible boundaries, and using visualizations is the fastest path to a healthy and balanced. 

 

What 9’s moms gain from life coaching 

• A safe place to reconnect with their essence; the part of themselves that got lost while parenting their kids. They get to feel like themselves again.

• Make friends with anger! Healthy ways to process negative emotions so they can be fully alive and present instead of numbing out.

• Free up your energy. Stop leaking energy by over empathizing and learn to stay in your personal power so you can feel more accomplished and productive.

 

3 Tips to help 9’s grow into health and balance

• Everyday, think about an opinion that you hold strongly and voice that opinion to someone during the day. Ask yourself, “Has it become easier to say what I really think?” “Are some people easier to share with than others?”

• Any change you want to make starts with HOW YOU FEEL. Focusing how your feelings (instead of everyone else’s) will increase your personal power. Your energy goes where your attention goes. If your attention is inside of your body (where emotions reside) you will have more energy to spare throughout the day.

• Use the magical sentence to help get control of your tasks: What would I LOVE to ACCOMPLISH by the end of the day? This brings your awareness onto YOU and what you want, reminds you that you are in control, forces small action steps and brings you out of numbing or procrastiworking and into control, plus gives you a dopamine hit once you accomplish the task.

 

3 Tips to help Enneagram Type 9's grow in health and balance

1. Get into the body to access emotions. Find healthy ways to express anger.
2. Get clear on what you want. Notice when you start to drift away mentally.
3. Notice when your life is on autopilot. Nine’s feel like they never really lived their life because they are afraid of the spotlight. Create a life you can be proud of. 

 

Enneagram Type 8 – The Challenger

Enneagram Type 8 - The Challenger - The Leader

If you are thinking, “I don’t believe in this Enneagram personality typing, what a stupid waste of time.” Then you might be an 8. 

Enneagram Type 8’s enjoy taking on challenges, as well as challenging authority figures, the status quo, or any obstacle that prevents them from getting what they want. 

They also enjoy challenging others to be their best, even if they are hated for it.  

Enneagram Type 8’s find their identity by overcoming obstacles and imposing their will on their environment. (cows and tears, the only thing he can’t overpower is his type 8 daughter - swim lessons)

They pursue the truth, like to keep control of situations and make important things happen.

Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, helpful and warm, also straight-talking, and decisive. They like action and assert control over their environment with speed and intensity. 

Their charisma, energy and vitality makes them natural leaders. This, combined with their protective nature and direct communication skills can make parenting easy and natural for parents.

Type 8’s always do what they feel is right, even when it goes against what others think is right. They role model and encourage independence, hard work, determination, confidence and authenticity in their children. 

Enneagram Type 8’s can be fierce advocates for their children, fighting for their rights, providing a safe and secure home, and setting firm boundaries easily. 

They enjoy heated debates because they like the power that comes with intensity and expressing anger helps them feel powerful. Anger can overtake them unless it is released immediately. Underneath the anger and quick action are often feelings of vulnerability, sadness and anxiety.  

• Core Fear: being controlled, abandoned or harmed by others or the environment. (They don’t feel the fear because they avoid vulnerable emotions)
• Core Desire: To protect themselves and to be in control of their own life
  and destiny.
• Core Motivation: To prove their strength and resist weakness. To be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control. 

Vulnerability provides the opportunity to be hurt or abandoned so Eights avoid it by pushing others away. They struggle to connect with their softer side, because of the fear of being hurt, but truly have very sensitive souls. When they can open their hearts and trust people, they have enormous potential to use their strength for the greater good. At their best, they can be heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring. 

Elaine’s story

I was hanging out with a strong and charismatic mom I met through a Mother’s Club I had joined.. We were at her house for a playgroup and she was talking about her plans to homeschool her kids. She and her husband were entrepreneurs and felt the school system had inadequately prepared them for adulthood. Their plan was to “unschool” their kids which means not having any specific curriculum, just exposing kids to life experiences and letting the kids take the lead on what they are interested in learning. She had impressive ideas: A friend who would teach kids woodworking and mechanics. Another artist friend who would let them create in her studio. She was determined to give her kids a unique educational experience so they could blaze their own trails and pursue their own passions, instead of being told what to learn. 

However, when our sons were 5, her son got jealous about some of the activities happening at my son’s school. My son was asked to bring in an item that started with each letter of the alphabet. This boy was so excited about finding something in his home that started with the letter D. He begged his mom to let him go bring something that started with D to school. His mom was annoyed. “Don’t just copy someone else, think for yourself! What are you interested in?” 

She was so wrapped up in being anti-establishment that she didn’t see he had found something that interested him. She could have done the same activity at home, bringing an item that started with D to the dinner table. It would have been easy to appease him without giving up on her homeschooling ideals. 

Because she held so tightly to her ideas that he shouldn’t want to go to school, he decided that school was a thing worth fighting for. He begged and pressured to go to traditional school, even though it was really just the structured assignment he craved that she could have offered.

This Type 8 Supermom struggled to value his priorities higher than her own, or believe that he could actually enjoy and benefit from traditional school. 

It took some time but she finally reconciled that her son had a different personality than she did and the type of education she and her husband wished they had, wasn’t a perfect fit for their child.

 

Eights are the true “rugged individualists” of the Enneagram. More than any other type, they stand alone. They want to be independent, and resist being indebted to anyone. They often refuse to “give in” to social convention, and they can defy fear, shame, and concern about the consequences of their actions. Although they are usually aware of what people think of them, they do not let the opinions of others sway them. They go about their business with a steely determination that can be awe inspiring, even intimidating to others.

3 Questions to help determine if you might be an 8

1. Do you have an extraordinarily strong exterior, one that is sometimes intimidating to others, but that hides a less visible but highly vulnerable interior?
2. Do you tend to be excessive in what you do? (all or nothing with diet & exercise?) Believing you can never get enough of a good thing.
3. Do you have immediate impulses to take strong and forceful action, particularly when you are feeling anxious and vulnerable?

5 challenges Enneagram Type 8s may encounter while parenting children:

Enneagram Type 8, often referred to as "The Challenger" or "The Leader," is characterized by a strong desire for control, assertiveness, and a tendency to take charge of situations. Parenting as a Type 8 can present various challenges due to their dominant personality traits. 

• Struggle with Authority: Type 8 parents may find it challenging to balance their own authority with allowing their children autonomy and independence, leading to power struggles. 
•  
• Overbearing Nature: They may come across as too forceful, intense or intimidating for sensitive kids. Their desire for control may make it challenging for their children to express their own opinions, and make decisions separate from their 8 parent.
•  
• Impatience: Type 8s may struggle with patience, expecting immediate compliance from their children and becoming frustrated when things don't go according to plan.
•  
• Difficulty with Vulnerability: They may have difficulty showing vulnerability or tenderness, which can impact their ability to connect emotionally with their children. May prioritize strength and resilience over emotional support and empathy. 
•  
• Struggle with Delegating: They may find it difficult to delegate tasks or responsibilities to their children, preferring to take on everything themselves to ensure things are done their way.

8’s are the last of all types to seek the help of a life coach, but if they do, they usually like it when the coach is willing to challenge their thinking directly and help them know the truth from the widest possible perspective. 8’s like to macromanage as well as micromanage so coaching appeals to their ability to control their outcomes. 

What 8’s gain from life coaching

1. To feel less guilty for their own behavior
2. To feel less responsible for others
3. To manage their abundant energy without imploding or exploding.
4. To understand the personalities of those that think and feel differently
5. To feel strong even when feeling vulnerable and weak.

Shanna came to life coaching ready to explode. She felt betrayed and ready to smack some people upside the head. Because the people she wanted to hurt was a 13 year old girl, she wouldn’t, but she was struggling to know what to do with her fury. 

She had formed a tight friendship with this neighbor girl and their daughters were best friends. The last 10 years of her life were filled with sleepovers, carpools, celebrations and sharing each other’s lives. 

Shanna treated this neighbor girl like her own daughter. So when she started ghosting her daughter, and leaving her out of friendship groups, mom took it very personally. 

Sofia, Shanna’s daughter, asked her mom to stay out of it. She wanted to deal with it on her own, but that was really hard for Shanna to do. 

Eights take friendship very seriously.  It can take time to work your way into the 8’s inner circle but once you are in, they will do anything for the ones they love. Once you have earned their trust, you will have love, loyalty and fierce commitment. 

It is very common for 8’s to hold a grudge forever to anyone who betrays them.

Through life coaching, Shanna was able to process her emotions in a healthy way, making room for her daughter Sophia to have her own reaction. We talked about the normal, social development of middle school girls which helped de-personalize the situation and make it normal. The friendship never went back to its original closeness but Shanna learned how to tame her anger so she could be there for Sophia in a supportive and encouraging way. 

Eights struggle to be nice because they see niceness as weak or vulnerable. So when they open up their hearts and homes, consider it an honor and privilege if you are allowed in. 

Tips: 

1. Whenever you feel the urge to yell, demand, offer an opinion or suggestion, take a breath and ask yourself, what is the feeling I’m trying not to feel? Why is it so hard for me to sit in this moment? What is the worst thing that will happen if I allow my child space to figure this out on their own? When you do speak, try asking a question to help your kid come to their own conclusion.
2. Practice giving compliments to others. To an 8, this can feel like giving up a piece of yourself. Challenge yourself to think about positive attributes other people possess, then share your compliments with your children, partner and co-workers. The more you do it, the easier it will get and you will train your brain to look for the good. 
3. 8’s need to be aware of feeling punitive or vengeful. They can have a warped sense of fairness. Let people off the hook once in a while. While turning the other cheek sounds “weak and gross”, think about it as asserting your ability to impact others by creating a culture of kindness. 

Many 8’s live with zero accountability because they are always in charge. Working with a mentor or life coach can help 8’s take accountability, build trust and humility. As they learn to feel safe exposing their softer side, they become more generous, open hearted and able to help others reach their potential with powerful and profound unconditional love.

Enneagram Type 7 - The Enthusiast - The Adventurer

Enneagram Type 7 - The Enthusiast - The Adventurer

Sevens are defined by their desire to experience everything life has to offer while avoiding pain and boredom. They appear to others to be lively, fun-loving, optimistic and extroverted.

Sevens are often very busy people who bounce from one activity to another in their quest to squeeze every possible bit of enjoyment out of life.

 

• [caption id="attachment_14915" align="aligncenter" width="997"] Enneagram Type 7[/caption]

 

 

Core Fear: Sevens fear getting stuck in a rut and missing out on the good life. They cope with this fear of being deprived by constantly seeking out exciting, novel, and fun experiences.

Core Desire: To feel satisfied and content. To have their needs fulfilled.

Core Motivations: Sevens want to avoid feeling bored, sad or uninspired. They are motivated to maintain their freedom and happiness by staying excited and occupied.

 

Type 7’s are playful, spontaneous and versatile, keeping busy with a wide variety of interests. They have TERRIBLE FOMO, so afraid of missing out on every juicy bit life has to offer that they run themselves ragged trying to experience it all.

Enneagram Type 7 moms are a joy to be around. Their enthusiasm for life, curiosity, and creativity makes everyday activities fun and engaging for children.

Type 7’s are also known as the Epicure. Someone who takes pleasure in fine food and drink. When my friend’s kiddo asked her what was for dinner, she responded with:

“Picture this: tender pasta ribbons cradled in a rich, velvety sauce bursting with the vibrant flavors of sun kissed tomatoes from Tuscany. Aromatic garlic and fragrant herbs envelops each strand with its hearty embrace, delivering a symphony of savory goodness to your palate.”

She looks at me and says “Spaghetti with Ragu sauce”. I can sell anything.

Enneagram 7 parents are often imaginative and creative, which can lead to innovative approaches to problem-solving. These are the parents who easily turn cleaning up your room into a game, contest and challenge.

Seven’s are flexible and open to new experiences, making them willing to adapt to their children's changing needs, personalities and desires.

7’s have an Adventurous Spirit so they encourage exploration and curiosity, fostering a sense of adventure and discovery in their children.

Enneagram 7 parents are often resourceful and quick-thinking, finding solutions to challenges that arise in parenting.
They enjoy sharing experiences with their children and are often generous with their time and attention. Sevens are sensitive to their children's emotions and strive to create a nurturing and supportive environment. Enneagram 7 parents inspire their children to dream big and pursue their passions with enthusiasm and determination.

Internally, Seven’s downplay negative emotions, easily finding a positive reframe for negative situations. This sunny optimism can be uplifting and inspiring, but can also feel a bit out of touch with reality. Sometimes, we want validation for our negative emotions and disappointments with life and it’s frustrating to only be allowed to focus on the silver lining.

I had a friend who was always praising her kids' activities, speaking about it in very high regard. If they were on a swim team, you’d think it was the best invention ever. When I asked why they didn’t do it again the following year, she would praise the beauty of creative, self initiated play and an open ended summer schedule. Whichever school they were in was the best school. Even when she ended up transferring, she refused to say a negative word.

It made our relationship very superficial. When I was going through a hard time with one of my kiddos, she was the last person I’d tell. Because she wouldn’t be vulnerable enough to admit things aren’t perfect, I found other moms to go to who were more understanding and compassionate.

 

Bright and expressive, Seven’s see the world as their playground, making their wide eyed enthusiasm for life an easy match for raising children. Sevens are often very imaginative and creative, with thinking fueled by creativity. They excel in coming up with new ideas and initiating experiences. However, they can struggle with focus and self-discipline.

Seven’s are quick and agile learners, able to learn new information AND new skills quickly, synthesize it and put it to good use. This ability to be good at many things without much effort can cause them to be a bit directionless in life. Their wide ranging curiosity, and ease with acquiring new skills, means they don’t always value what they offer compared with someone who worked really hard to achieve the same level of success.

As with the 5’s and 6’s, the work of the 7 is to learn to trust their inner guidance. 7’s keep anxiety at arm’s length by keeping busy and looking forward to new things. Raising children gives 7’s focus and endless opportunities to engage with new experiences, UNLESS they get sick, injured, are introverted 5’s who are easily overstimulated, or are forced to quarantine due to global pandemics.

 

Carrie came to life coaching during COVID lockdowns. She was struggling to keep her kids focused on their Zoom classes, while focusing herself on completing projects at her marketing job. She also had herself cleaning out the attic, building a home gym, learning to play piano and teaching her kids to cook. There were no complaints of course, she just wanted parenting tips to keep her kids focused.

As we talked, I started to get a fuller picture. Carrie was drinking every night, had difficulty with sleeping and was scared about her family getting COVID and deathly afraid of BOREDOM.

Once we addressed Carrie’s fears, the anxiety calmed down. She no longer needed to run away from her busy brain. She started drinking less and sleeping more. We used her long list of projects to help her tune into her inner guidance and prioritize the things that helped her feel balanced.

Carrie learned that she was using excitement to distract herself from her anxieties and what she yearned for the most was the feeling of contentment. Joy, enthusiasm and happiness came easily to her, what she really yearned for was peace and contentment so we practiced it.

By the end of our 12 sessions, she had a clear vision of what she wanted to accomplish during COVID lockdowns, with tools to keep kids focused, and a structured schedule she had been craving. Whenever Carrie got frenetic or felt the urge to start drinking, she used it as a reminder to feel her feelings. She slowed down and asked herself, “What is the feeling I’m trying not to feel?” She processed her negative emotions in a quick and easy way, then practiced the feeling of contentment. Once she stopped avoiding her negative emotions, Carrie’s playful and creative spirit made lockdowns fun for the whole family.

3 Questions to help determine if you might be a type 7

1. Can you find a silver lining to almost every situation and easily reframe negatives into positives?
2. Do you constantly seek new and stimulating people, ideas, or events to keep life exciting, adrenalized and moving forward?
3. Do you have trouble sustaining your focus on projects, people, and conversations without considerable effort?

 

Struggles that Enneagram Type 7’s may have while parenting:

1. Difficulty with Routine: Enneagram 7 parents may struggle to establish and maintain consistent routines, which can be challenging for children who thrive on predictability.
2. Impulsiveness & Risk Taking: They may sometimes act impulsively without fully considering the consequences, which can lead to inconsistency in discipline or decision-making.
3. Avoidance of Conflict: Enneagram 7 parents may shy away from confrontation or difficult conversations, which can hinder effective communication within the family or prevent moms from setting boundaries and being “The bad guy”.
4. Restlessness: Enneagram 7 parents may have difficulty staying focused on long-term goals or commitments, which can be unsettling for children who crave stability.
5. Tendency to Overcommit: Enneagram 7 parents may take on too many obligations or activities, leaving little time for quality bonding with their children.
6. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO): They may feel compelled to constantly seek out new experiences, which can detract from their ability to feel content in life.

 

What Seven’s gain from life coaching

• To process negative emotions and trust that their needs will be met.
• The ability to feel calm and satisfied in the quiet moments of life.
• To prioritize their many passions and move forward with goals that truly matter.
• To rely on their inner guidance

 

I was working on a somatic mind-body coaching program and needed some people to practice on. Naveah was having pain on her side of unknown origin. The doctors couldn’t find any explanation for her pain and it was causing her a lot of anxiety.
I walked her through an exercise in listening to her body. I asked her to name 5 things on her to do list and notice how the body responds to these tasks. The goal was to be able to identify the difference between the BRAIN and the BODY.
When we asked her body how it felt about going on her daily 10 mile run, it gave a negative reading (heavy and constrictive) but Naveah didn’t like this response. She quickly dismissed it saying enthusiastically, “I love my morning run! It’s the best part of my day! I’m training for a triathlon! I have to run! Running makes me feel better!”

This was such a great example of how her BRAIN was saying she loved running, but her BODY was telling a different story.
Naveah’s Type 7 personality didn’t want to recognize that there was anything “negative” getting in the way of her fun. She didn’t want to SLOW DOWN and REST even though her body was asking for exactly those two things.

The problem with overriding the body is that this is where our inner wisdom comes from. Our intuition or inner guidance speaks to us through our physical sensations. When Naveah ignored the heaviness and fatigue, her body screamed louder through side body pain.

7’s are the most prone to addiction because of their adrenaline seeking, happiness seeking tendencies. Seven’s fear of being deprived of happiness and being held captive by emotional pain and suffering.

The work of the Type 7 is to learn to trust your inner knowing and be able to process the quieter, darker emotions in an effective way so that you can get back to being your joyful self.

“All of humanity's problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” French Philosopher Blaise Pascal

 

3 tips for Enneagram Type 7’s moms

• Learn to sit quietly in a room alone. If you can’t do 5 minutes, do 1 minute or 30 seconds of deep breathing, working your way up to longer. If you can’t sit, go for a walk in nature. Always reminding yourself that you can be still and alone and nothing bad happens.
• Start tuning inward to understand the voice of your inner wise guide. It’s not urgent or a craving. It’s not jumpy, or loud. Our inner wisdom speaks softly, through subtle physical sensations of constriction or expansion. (unless you ignore it for years, then the pain gets louder and harder to ignore, but it will never go away.) Practice on things easy things: Do I want tomato soup or minestrone? Do I feel like running the treadmill or riding the bike? Work your way up to bigger things.
• Be mindful of the tendency towards addiction and find a safe space to help you access the more scary and vulnerable emotions. We need access to ALL our emotions in order to be whole. Therapy, life coaching, AA groups can help you evolve into wholeness and have a good time without hiding from your fears.

Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

Enneagram Type 6 – The Loyalist

Enneagram Type 6 - The Loyalist

The Faithful Guardian - The Skeptic - The Doubter

Type 6’s are dutiful & committed to their systems, groups, relationships and beliefs, and will hold on to these longer than other types. Once they align themselves with people and institutions they trust, they make excellent team players who are well-liked, loyal, and detail oriented. They take pleasure in being cooperative and can be endearing, friendly and funny companions.

Sixes work hard to protect their kids, colleagues, friends, and loved ones by staying alert and vigilant, anticipating and preparing for what could go wrong.

Sixes love identifying as a mom and enjoy creating a stable home environment to raise their kids in. These moms like feeling connected to their community. They join churches and PTA’s and volunteer for troop leader, room mom, coach and car pool organizer.

Type Sixes are security oriented. When considering what to do, how to solve a problem, and what decisions to make, they look outside of themselves for the answer. They believe external authority figures are supposed to take care of everything but, they cannot be trusted to do so. This back and forth of wanting to trust external authority, but simultaneously not trusting it, creates a lot of anxiety.

Sixes have come to believe that they don’t have the inner resources required to get through life on their own so they need the support of friends, families, religious groups, jobs, political affiliations, and social media support to feel safe.

Sixes worry about the worst case scenarios and “what might go wrong?” before committing to a course of action. Their internal committee causes them to second guess and create self doubt.

“Hope for the best but plan for the worst” could be a mantra for the Enneagram Type 6.

Because they have so many fears, they are the most courageous of all types because they are constantly using bravery to face life’s “what if’s”. They live life, move forward and get things done despite their fear.

[caption id="attachment_14901" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type 6[/caption]

Type 6 is the most contradicting of all types. They trust authority but rebel against it. They are anxious and courageous, optimistic and pessimistic. Making it hard to identify their type.

 

Core Fear: Being without support or guidance. Fear of facing fear.

Core Desire: To believe they are safe and secure.

Core Motivation: To feel confident, secure and in control. To trust themselves to make good decisions.

 

Their fear of being without support can manifest in various ways, leading them to seek reassurance from others and to form strong bonds with people they trust.

They might seek reassurance by caring about their physical image, valuing physical power and typical cultural ideas about societal beauty. They want to look the part so they can feel safe.

They might seek reassurance by focusing on career and making money, wanting to control their financial resources and having external symbols of successes like houses, cars, church and school affiliations.

They might seek reassurance by questioning authority, complaining and rebelling against these systems but not leaving them.
The Six is the most likely to hang on to an unhealthy relationship, career, organization, or belief, even when it’s clear it’s no longer working for her. They are the most likely of all the types to suffer from “Tall Poppy Syndrome”. An Australian term used to describe how people are attacked, criticised, resented or cut down when they are more successful than their peers. Sixes feel safest when they achieve success within a group and feel vulnerable standing apart from their peers.

 

Michelle was BURNED OUT at her job. Everyday she would calculate how many more years she needed to work until she could retire, rearranging the formulas hoping to find a way to follow her hearts desire and just get out. She scanned job boards, took promotions, and entertained new career paths trying to find the path to freedom that felt SAFE.

The committee in her head was filled with opinions about how irresponsible it would be to leave, and how she just needed to suck it up for another 8 years so she could retire with full benefits. The fear of defying her internal committee felt DANGEROUS.
When she came to life coaching she learned to question the messages her scared committee was sending her. She realized that no amount of job searching was helping calm down the fear of going against the grain and trusting her inner guidance.
It was clear that her higher self was telling her it was time to go but she had learned at young age to ignore her gut and trust external authority.

Together we discovered internal and external voices that validated her desire to leave her job. She met with a financial advisor who walked through the numbers, showing her she would be fine to leave. She started hanging out with friends who had made career shifts in midlife. She found podcasts and mentors who encouraged her to trust her gut.

I remember the day I mentioned the word “sabbatical”. She repeated the word back to me with enthusiasm, “sabbatical”. That’s a THING people do! She took a breath in and her whole body relaxed. Suddenly her “radical, irresponsible idea” had a word. Knowing that there was a precedent of other responsible, hard working people to take a break from their careers, made it ok for her to do it, too.

It’s been one year since she left her job and is loving life so much she is planning to extend her sabbatical another year.

 

Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment.

Sixes want their family members to share beliefs so they feel safe. When families have different political, idealogical or religious perspectives, it can be very hard for them to adapt and accept.

Joanna was raised by a conservative religious family and a military father. Expectations were very clear growing up, and punishments strictly enforced for those who did not conform to the familial expectation. It took a lot of personal work and therapy for Joanna to trust her inner guidance and leave her religion. She looked forward to giving her kids freedom to choose their own spiritual guidance and build a relationship with a higher power that was unique to them. So when her son decided he wanted to JOIN the religion she FOUGHT so hard to leave, she panicked!

Joanna also had a hard time when her kids would misbehave. She knew she didn’t want to be punitive like her Dad was, so she was understanding and lenient. When they acted up, all she could think was “Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know what my Dad would have done in this situation?” She wanted them to be grateful but instead they were rude and dismissive, taking advantage of her kindness. Joanna felt powerless because the only tool she had in her tool belt was something she didn’t want to use.

Together we worked on building new tools for getting kids to listen and obey. She found her calm leadership energy and used it to get the respect she deserved.

[caption id="attachment_14900" align="alignright" width="997"] Enneagram Type 6[/caption]

Sixes are strong and weak, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, believers and doubters, etc. It is the contradictory picture that is characteristic of Sixes.

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life.

 

Questions to determine if you might be a 6:

1. Do you constantly anticipate multiple scenarios, thinking about what could go wrong and trying to plan so that this will not occur?
2. Is it difficult to imagine a best case scenario or a positive future?
3. Do you feel anxious frequently and intensley?

 

Struggles that Enneagram Type 6’s may have while parenting:

• Over-protection - Constantly worrying about what could go wrong and feeling responsible to protect their children from a scary, mistrusting world.
• Anxious parenting may cause kids to have a fearful and mistrusting world view. Subconsconously teaching kids hypervigilance and anxiety.
• Fear of Independence - May micromanage kid’s lives preventing them from learning from life’s experiences or thinking independently from mom.
• Seeking external authority from parenting experts, family, friends and schools can lead to self doubt and anxiety when these groups disagree with one another.
• Difficulty setting boundaries for fear of rejection and breaking the emotional bond. Indecision, analysis paralysis, and rebelling against external authorities can leave kids confused about what the rules are.

 

What Sixes Use Life Coaching For:

1. To learn to trust their own inner guidance.
2. To learn to trust the world is a safe place.
3. To give equal time to the idea that good things happen just as often, if not more frequently, than bad things happening.
4. To be less anxious and more in control.

In health, Sixes are intellectual and insightful. They have learned to trust their own inner authority rather than look to other people to keep them safe. As a result, they are confident, calm and resilient, connecting with others in a deep, steady and warm hearted way. They are clear and courageous, trusting their ability to look after themselves.

In stress, Sixes are fearful when their kids start to individuate and create values different from mom. They experience a lot of anxiety and frenzy while trying to control things they have no control over. They engage in continous worse case scenario thinking and imagine all the bad things that could possibly happen.

 

Small action steps 6’s can take today to feel more trusting and safe.

1. Bring your brain into the present moment. Name 5 things you see in front of you and ask yourself, “Am I in any immediate danger?” If not, reassure yourself that “In this moment, all is well.” Learning to bring your brain out of the future and into the present is a helpful exercise for the anxious six.
2. Learn about the Law of Attraction and practice imagining things going well. Worrying feels like healthy preparation to the six, but the Law of Attraction teaches that imagining positive outcome helps to make positive outcomes!
3. Use the 14 day Supermom Challenge to connect with your inner guidance. Learning to listen to the voice of our higher self, instead of the voice anxiety, can help the Six learn to trust their own wisdom instead of external authorities. www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/challenge

 

Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

 

 

Enneagram Type 5 – The Investigator

The Enneagram Type 5, often referred to as "The Investigator" or "The Observer," is known for their thirst for knowledge, a desire to understand, and a tendency towards introspection and solitude.

These perceptive, cerebral problem solvers are intensely curious and love to delve into topics that interest them. 5’s are lifelong learners and enjoy acquiring expertise in areas that captivate their intellect.

 

 

 

Type 5s value their independence and autonomy. They are introspective by nature and need solitude to recharge and reflect on their thoughts and ideas.

Type 5s tend to be reserved and observant in social situations. They prefer to listen and observe as they gather information and analyze their surroundings. When they do speak, their words are well thought out presenting fully formed ideas.

Type 5 individuals excel at strategic thinking and problem-solving. They have a knack for seeing patterns and connections, which enables them to come up with innovative solutions to complex problems.

Imagine we all wake up everyday with our battery fully charged at 100%. Throughout the day, work, kids, chores, arguing and traffic can drain our energy so that by bedtime we are at 0%. Enneagram type 5's start the day with their battery charged at 20% and being out in the world drains it quickly so they need to retreat in order to charge it up again. This makes fives keep involvement with others to a minimum. Small talk, sharing feelings and socializing can feel like an intrusion making relationships challenging.

It’s not uncommon for reserved Type 5s to adopt a minimalist lifestyle. They prefer to keep their life simple so that there are fewer demands on their time, energy and attention.

 

Core Fear: being incompetent, incapable, or ignorant. They fear being overwhelmed by the demands of the world and not having the resources to navigate it successfully.

Core Belief: They must protect themselves from the demands of the world by accumulating knowledge and minimizing their needs. They believe that by being self-sufficient and intellectually competent, they can avoid feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable.

Core Motivation: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.

 

Ahn came up to me after I spoke at a parenting conference wanting to make sure she was setting her kids up for a successful future. She moved to the U.S. to give her kids the best opportunities and had been reading parenting books and attending conferences to learn more about U.S. parenting culture.

Ahn had taken an intellectual approach to parenting, diving deep into educational theories, child and brain development. She provided her kids a stable home environment and kept the peace with her gentle demeanor.

Because it was clear she was meeting all of her kids’ intellectual needs, I decided to take a “whole brain approach” with her. I talked about how the school her kids went to emphasized left brain skills but where she could supplement at home were the right brain skills.

She was hungry to learn more so I talked about engineering companies were complaining that the kids coming to work for them had plenty of education but not enough real life experience. Kids today weren’t doing enough tinkering in the backyard, building things, jumping off things, playing with rocks, water and sand. The businesses of today were noticing that this lack of playful experimentation had negative career consequences down the road.

She was practically salivating! She had a park down the road from her home that she had never taken her kids to because she thought it was a waste of time!

I talked about other right brain skills: empathy, art, storytelling, play, and how she could help her kids develop their right brains at home while they worked on their left brains at school. I suggested the Daniel Pink book “Why Right Brain Thinkers are Going to Rule the Future.” and I felt so happy that I could give Ahn’s kids a happier childhood by being able to speak the language of the enneagram 5.

 

Questions to determine if you might be a Type 5:

1. Do I minimize my exposure to the outside world to conserve energy?

2. Do I prefer accumulating knowledge and information over material possessions, clothes, or symbols of status?

3. When a situation gets emotional, intense or overwhelming, do I disconnect from my feelings in the moment and then reconnect with them later, at a time and place of your choice? (or become anxious because these feelings were suppressed?)

 

Behind Fives’ relentless pursuit of knowledge are deep insecurities about their ability to function successfully in the world. Fives feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others. But rather than engage directly with activities that might bolster their confidence, Fives “take a step back” into their minds where they feel more capable. Their belief is that from the safety of their minds they will eventually figure out how to do things—and one day rejoin the world.

The intense focus of Fives can thus lead to remarkable discoveries and innovations, but when the personality is more fixated, it can also create self-defeating problems. This is because their focus of attention unwittingly serves to distract them from their most pressing practical problems. Whatever the sources of their anxieties may be—relationships, lack of physical strength, inability to gain employment, and so forth—average Fives tend not to deal with these issues. Rather, they find something else to do that will make them feel more competent.

 

Struggles Enneagram Type 5’s may encounter as parents:

Emotional Availability: Type 5 parents may struggle to express emotions openly and provide the emotional support and validation that children need. They may prioritize intellectual engagement over emotional connection, which could lead to difficulties in nurturing their children's emotional development.

Need for Space and Solitude: Type 5 parents value their alone time and may require significant periods of solitude to recharge and pursue their interests. Balancing the need for personal space with the demands of parenting, which often involve constant interaction and engagement, can be challenging for Type 5 parents.

Difficulty with Spontaneity: Type 5s tend to prefer structure and predictability in their lives. They may struggle with the spontaneous and unpredictable nature of children, finding it challenging to adapt to the ever-changing demands and needs of parenting.

Overemphasis on Independence: Type 5 parents may be ready for their kids to grow up and become self sufficient, long before the kids are ready to do so. While independence is important, it's also crucial for children to feel supported and nurtured as they navigate the world.

Anxiety: 5’s tend to have very busy brains and are prone to ruminating, overthinking and mental spinning. Their slow external pace can hide a hyper anxious mind and the suppressing of emotions and ignoring the body exacerbates this anxiety.

 

What 5’s use life coaching for:

1. To understand and connect with their children.

2. To focus on time management and accomplishing goals.

3. To reduce anxiety and find tools for relaxing the nervous system.

4. To help them take breaks from parenting.

 

Monique came to life coaching in, what I call, “zombie mommy mode”. She was going through the motions of her life without feeling fully present, alive or connected. She didn’t know what was wrong, the hamster wheel she ran on everyday kept her family on autopilot. She had the job, the house, and the family life she wanted, but she felt lost.

Once we figured out she was an enneagram 5, it was easy to see what was missing. Monique needed alone time and she needed delve into learning something new.

It started with taking a day to herself to explore the city. She wandered through museums, spending as much time as she wanted at each exhibit without listening to complaining kids. It was HEAVEN for her. When Monique came home, her husband and kids noticed a marked difference in her demeanor. She seemed happier, more relaxed, like her old self. Her husband suggested she take a whole weekend away next time, and she did.

She signed up for a free walking tour, diving into the history of the city. She relished the quiet evenings to herself. She enjoyed a two hour breakfast where she actually got to READ the whole NEWSPAPER before visiting some of the city's historical landmarks.

These weekends gave her the quiet time she needed to fill up her cup, get a break from the noise, chaos and clutter at home, and devote time to her favorite activity, learning.

Other enneagram types worry about what people will think if they take breaks away from this kids, but fives don’t care about that. These thoughtful, self sufficient investigators like to maximize their mental abilities, avoid taking risks and value integrity over social acceptance.

 

Small action steps 5’s can take today feel like a more balanced and peaceful parent:

1. Focus on making decisions and accomplishing tasks.

Notice when you are getting intensely involved in projects that do not necessarily support your self-esteem, confidence, or life situation. It is possible to follow many different fascinating subjects, games, and pastimes, but they can become huge distractions from what you know you really need to do. Decisive action will bring more confidence than learning more facts or acquiring more unrelated skills.

2. Use physical activity to get out of mental spirals.

Fives tend to be extremely intense and so high-strung that find it difficult to relax and unwind. Make an effort to learn to calm down in a healthy way, without drugs or alcohol. Exercising or using biofeedback techniques will help channel some of your tremendous nervous energy. Meditation, jogging, yoga, and dancing are especially helpful for your type.

3. Learn active listening.

Living with children means living with emotional beings. Try repeating what you hear them say. Paraphrasing their thoughts and feelings will help your kids feel heard, seen and felt.It also gives your brain something to do and builds a close connection without having to empathize with all their emotions.

Enneagram Type #4 - The Creative Individualist

 

Enneagram Type 4 Supermoms

Enneagram Type 4 personalities are often known as "The Individualist" or "The Romantic." Sensitive, creative, introspective, and unique, the enneagram type 4 craves authenticity and unique creative expression. 

• Type 4s possess a rich inner world and often have a unique artistic sensibility. They are drawn to creative pursuits such as writing, music, art, or other forms of self-expression.
• 4’s have a keen awareness of their own emotions and are often highly empathetic towards others. Their ability to feel deeply allows them to connect with the emotional experiences of those around them.
• Type 4s value authenticity and genuineness, striving to live in alignment with their true selves. They are often unafraid to embrace their quirks, eccentricities, and vulnerabilities.
• They have a natural inclination towards introspection and self-reflection, which can lead to profound insights and personal growth.
• Type 4s are empathetic and compassionate towards others' emotional struggles. They have a knack for understanding and validating the feelings of those around them.
• They have a deep appreciation for beauty in all its forms, whether it's found in art, nature, or human experiences.

Type 4s can be prone to experiencing intense emotional highs and lows, sometimes struggling with feelings of sadness, longing, or melancholy.

Parenting can often really help a 4's tendency to indulge in self-pity or self-absorption. 

Type 4s may romanticize the past or fantasize about an idealized future, sometimes struggling to fully engage with the present moment.

Type 4s may struggle with feelings of envy or comparison, longing for what they perceive others to have or be. This can sometimes lead to a sense of dissatisfaction or discontentment.

4's can have difficulty with criticism, taking it personally and feeling deeply wounded by even constructive feedback. Their sensitive nature can make them vulnerable to rejection or perceived slights.

Understanding these strengths and weaknesses can help Type 4s navigate their personal growth journey and cultivate more balanced and fulfilling lives.

 

Beth was a loving and devoted mom. One of those moms I envy because she was always coming up with fun creative ways to play with her kids. She made up stories and dressed up in costumes to act out skits. She played music and encouraged spontaneous sing-a-longs. Her Christmas presents were so creative and uniquely catered to each child. 

She was excited when her kids got the opportunity to travel for a month with their grandparents.

She had high aspirations for all she would accomplish while they were gone.

She was going to clean out closets and work on her creative art projects. 

But once they were gone, she felt lost. Her idealized plans for productivity quickly spiraled into feelings of inadequacy and despair. Hours and hours of time spent inside her head connected her with her melancholy and inner critic. She realized how much having kids around helped pull her outside of herself. 

Her month of melancholy made her start fearing her kids’ growing independence. She loved having her kids around and didn’t want to be clinging to their ankles as they went off to college. She was scared for her future so she decided to start a savings account for herself alongside the kids’ college tuition savings. When her youngest child got her driver’s license, she hired me to help her design an empty nest strategy. 

 

Enneagram Type 4’s rarely need help feeling their feelings, they need help taking action despite their feelings. 

 

Core Fear: Enneagram Type 4s fear being inadequate, defective, or emotionally empty. They dread feeling ordinary or mundane, striving instead to find a unique identity or significance that sets them apart from others.

Core Desire: The primary desire of Type 4s is to find their own sense of identity and authenticity. They long to be seen and understood for who they truly are, valuing self-expression and individuality above conformity.

Core Motivation: Enneagram Type 4s are motivated by a quest for self-discovery and self-expression. They seek to explore their inner worlds and emotions deeply, often using creative outlets to articulate their unique perspectives and experiences.

 

Angelica had open, loving and supportive relationships with her kids. She had no problem adjusting to her child who identified as non-binary. She encouraged all her kids to express themselves in the way that felt most authentic to them. New and creative outfits, hair coloring and artistic pursuits were valued in her home. 

But when one child wanted to attend Christian Sunday School with their friends she felt her values were being rejected. She viewed it as a desire to conform to peer pressure, making it mean she made the wrong decision in choosing where to raise her kids. When the other child wanted to go out for cheerleading, she believed she had completely failed as a mother. 

The 4’s tend to blame themselves when their kids don’t live up to expectations. They have idealized pictures of what life can and “should” be like and compare themselves to these idealized images, criticizing themselves harshly when it doesn’t match up. 

Angelica and I worked on letting go of “perfect pictures” and used her love of spontaneity to live in the present moment and meet her kids where they were each day. Instead of thinking she had “failed”, Angelica viewed her kids’ interests as “trying on new outfits to see which one fit”. The more she learned about her kids’ personalities as separate from hers, the less rejection she felt. 

The 4 personality type loves the deep and personal relationships they form with their kids. It can be a struggle when kids want to pull away and individuate. 

 

Questions to identify if you might be a 4

1. When you feel something very strongly, do you hold on to  your emotinos intensely for long periods of time, constantly replaying your thoughts, feelings, and sensations? 
2. Do you think of melancholy as a pleasurable experience?
3. Do you continually search for deep connections with others and feel distraught when these connections become severed? 

 

Kryptonites that Type 4 Supermoms might face as parents:

• Intensity of emotions: Type 4s are highly attuned to their emotions and may experience intense feelings on a regular basis. This emotional depth can be overwhelming for them and may make it challenging to regulate their emotions, especially in high-stress parenting situations.
• Tendency towards melancholy: Fours are prone to experiencing periods of melancholy or sadness, which can affect their parenting style. They may struggle to maintain a positive and upbeat atmosphere in the home, especially during challenging times.
• Focus on authenticity: Authenticity is crucial for Type 4s, and they may prioritize being true to themselves above all else. This focus on authenticity may clash with societal norms or expectations around parenting, leading to feelings of isolation or alienation. 
• Comparison with idealized images: Fours often compare themselves to idealized images of what they believe they should be. As parents, they may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt if they perceive themselves as falling short of their own or society's expectations.
• Difficulty with routine: Type 4s may resist or struggle with routine and structure, preferring spontaneity and flexibility. Establishing and maintaining consistent routines for their children may require extra effort and patience on their part.

 

What 4’s use life coaching for:

• 4’s tend to BELIEVE what they FEEL.

When a 13 year old starts closing their bedroom door for privacy, a 4 may take it as a personal rejection. When a 4 feels rejected, they interpret it as rejection. I help them de-personalize their kid’s behavior by understanding their child’s unique personality (as separate from mom) and understanding typical teen behavior. 

• Offering a logical, practical outsiders perspective is very helpful for these moody 4’s.

Asking questions like, “Are you absolutely sure that thought is true?” “How would you know if you have ‘ruined your kids’?” Could the opposite be just as true if not truer?” Pulling 4’s out of their negative emotions and into the logical part of their brain is a HUGE benefit for these emotionally intense 4’s. 

• To help them find time for creative expression.

The demands of motherhood can consume all moms, but especially Enneagram type 4’s who feel and think deeply and intensely. Carving out time for themselves is KEY to helping Supermom stay sane in the land of crazy. 

• To tame the inner critic! 4’s are so hard on themselves!

They seem to have an unbalanced perception of reality, taking negative feedback as confirmation that something is wrong with them and quickly rejecting positive feedback. 4’s can lack effective filters to help determine whether a negative perception is accurate. Having an outsider offer a balanced perspective is invaluable. 

• To help moms feel connected to their growing adolescents without having to constantly engage in deep, meaningful interactions.

To let go and trust that it’s enough. 

• To feel more capable of making things happen and to manifest their dreams rather than feeling things are happening TO them.

4’s tend to put off things that feel uninteresting or mundane allowing small things to pile up. Life coaches can help 4’s create and stick to a plan for accomplishing tasks. 

 

Small action steps 4’s can take today: 

1. Deliberately think positive thoughts about yourself and others. Look in the mirror and say something nice. Brag about something good you did in your journal. Then select another person to think positively about without making any comparisons to yourself. 
2. Take action from your values instead of your emotions. If you are feeling too emotionally overwhelmed to tackle your to do list, acknowledge the emotions but stay in charge of yourself. Ask yourself, “Which do I value more: staying in bed because of overwhelming emotions or getting things done despite my emotions?” “If my kids didn’t want to go to school or dance because they felt sad, would I suggest they go anyway hoping the social activity or physical release would help?” 
3. Prioritize mental clarity and taking care of business. You are great at connecting with your emotions, creativity and empathy, but there are certain aspects of life that benefit from structure. If you find yourself dwelling in negative emotions, focus your attention on others. How can addressing this ‘boring” task benefit my family? 

 

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Enneagram Type 3 - The Achiever

Enneagram Type 3 - The Achiever

[caption id="attachment_14730" align="alignnone" width="300"] Enneagram Type 3 - The Achiever[/caption]

Threes value achievement, results, and recognition and like to do their best. They tend to be ambitious, efficient, highly flexible and adaptable to help them accomplish their goals. Hard working and principled, Three’s can make reliable, devoted parents with the will and energy to be their best.

Image-conscious: Maintaining a positive image is crucial for Type 3s. They are concerned about how others perceive them and often work hard to present themselves in a favorable light.

Adaptable: Threes are adaptable and can adjust their behavior to fit different situations. They are skilled at reading social cues and can be charming and engaging.

Competitive: Threes are naturally competitive and enjoy measuring their success against others. This competitiveness can drive them to excel and achieve their goals.

Focus on productivity: Threes have a strong work ethic and are highly productive. They prioritize efficiency and effectiveness in their tasks and projects.

Fear of failure: Despite their outward confidence, Threes often have an underlying fear of failure. They may tie their self-worth to their achievements and feel a sense of emptiness or inadequacy if they don't meet their goals.

Attention to appearance: Threes are conscious of their physical appearance and the impression they make on others. They may invest time and effort in looking polished and put-together.

Desire for recognition: Recognition and acknowledgment of their achievements are crucial for Threes. They thrive on positive feedback and appreciation from others.

Tendency to suppress emotions: Threes may suppress or downplay their emotions, focusing more on what is pragmatic and efficient. They might prioritize tasks over addressing personal feelings.

Struggle with authenticity: Threes may struggle with authenticity, as they can be prone to presenting a persona that aligns with societal expectations rather than expressing their true selves.

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Core Fear: Threes have a deep-seated fear of failure and being perceived as unsuccessful. They are afraid of not living up to expectations, losing face, or being seen as incompetent.

Core Desire: The core desire of Enneagram Type 3 is to be successful and admired. Threes seek recognition, approval, and acknowledgment for their achievements. They desire to be seen as competent, accomplished, and capable in the eyes of others.

Core Motivation: The core motivation for Type 3 is driven by the need to excel and succeed. Threes are motivated to prove their worth and value through their accomplishments. They work hard to achieve their goals, often striving for external validation as a measure of their success.

I worked with a client for 3 sessions before she stopped showing up. She was exhausted from working at her demanding career all day, and caring for her 3 daughters in the evening.

On our first call, I pointed out that our energy goes where our attention goes. She realized her attention was focused outside of herself all day, taking care of business, but never focused inward, onto her body and emotions. She craved her own attention but when we discussed sitting down for 5 minutes to just breathe and catch her breath, she panicked.

Intellectually, she understood the benefit of resting and giving herself some time and attention, but it triggered a lot of fear.

“There is too much to get done” “More work will pile up if I stop” are the thoughts that run through the minds of type 3 Supermoms who value efficiency and productivity, over emotions. I’ve helped many 3’s learn to value relaxation but this mom stopped coming before we get over the resistance to relaxation and the fear of inefficiency.

 

3 Questions to help decipher your type:

1. Do you mind cutting corners for the sake of efficiency?
2. Do you always want to be the best? (even beating your kids at board games?)
3. How important is it to you that other people see your achievements?

Elizabeth was a people oriented go-getter. She loved leading a team and getting things done at her prestigious job. When she showed up for coaching sessions, she had an agenda of topics to cover and her desired results.

The topics often had a theme, someone else was displeased with her. She could intuit the emotional discord but didn’t know how to process the emotions of it. I learned to ask about her sleep and her overeating, as this was the best barometer of how she was feeling.

Three’s care about people but when things get tough, they get down to business. Elizabeth had a hard time understanding why other people didn’t see things they way she did. They often got stuck in their emotions and couldn’t see that her decisions were logical and efficient. Others could view her as emotionally distant, impatient and dismissive.

During coaching sessions, Elizabeth overcame her fear of vulnerability and sat with her uncomfortable emotions. She used her difficulty sleeping and overeating as a reminder to tune inwards and ask, “What am I trying not to feel?”. Then she practiced the 90 second process of feeling feelings so that she could move past it in the most efficient way possible.

Supermom Kryptonite: What trips Threes up?

• Extra curricular activity is the first thing to go. Difficulty taking breaks, unplugging and having fun even while on vacation. Their fear of being seen as a failure or incompetent can override their desire for self care. Relaxation takes last priority because it doesn’t feed their image of success. 3’s worry about being considered worthless if they don’t achieve their goals but all this ignoring of their emotions can cause depression if they don’t get enough down time or personal time.
• Under stress, Three’s go to numbness and inaction which connects them with the worthless feelings they try hard to avoid. When 3’s are burned out and they rest, it feels like giving up on themselves rather than self nurture and self love.
• The image-conscious nature of Threes can translate into a desire for their family to appear successful and accomplished. Seeking social prestige can be tricky when the definition of success keeps changing - physical appearance, career success, family dynamics. Compare and despair. Competitive.
• Overscheduling and Overcommitment because they are so liked and depended upon.
  Relationships that require emotional vulnerability are really challenging. Because 3’s don’t dwell on failure, a critical comment from a loved one can derail a 3 and cause them to withdrawal.
• Pressure to succeed: Type 3 parents may unintentionally project their own desire for success onto their children. This can create an environment where the child feels pressured to meet high expectations, potentially leading to stress or kids feeling like they are worth less than your work or your image.
• Everyone has difficulty listening to long, boring kid stories but 3’s REALLY have a hard time. The emphasis on productivity and achievement might make it challenging for them to slow down and engage in meaningful, unhurried interactions with their kids.
• Balancing work and family life. Threes may find it challenging to be authentic about their struggles and imperfections as parents. The fear of failure and a desire to maintain a positive image may hinder open communication about difficulties or mistakes.

3’s want to hear that they are loved and valued not for what they do, but for who they are.

What Three use life coaching for:

• To Learn effective and productive ways to process emotions quickly!
• To slow down, be in the present moment and make time to open their hearts to others.
• To say no
• Getting comfortable with vulnerability (zoom vs. phone)
• To take off the mask and be their true self. appreciate who they are at their core.
• To separate their achievements from their children so they can feel like successful parents.
• To understand the mind of a child who thinks differently than you.
• To accept and appreciate the diverse personalities of their kiddos.
• To create their own definition of success for each stage of life. There comes a time in every 3’s life where SOMETHING NEEDS TO GIVE. It’s helpful to see that the tools you used to become successful in your 20’s are not the same tools you need in your 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.

 

Small Action Steps Three’s Can Take to grow in a positive direction:

1. Find ways to combine productivity with down time instead of trying to cram your schedule full. (Horse ranch, eyelashes) Understand that it takes confidence and courage to say no, take a day off, and prioritize yourself.
2. Get your family to move quickly by entering their world instead of trying to bring them into your world. Play. Active listening. Love Languages.
3. Train your loved ones to say “We like you just as you are!” “You are prettiest when you are relaxing” and “I’ll clean the kitchen so you can take a bath.” Instead of waiting and hoping they say what you want to hear, write down the compliments you would love to receive and keep them handy. I kept a 3x5 card handy with the words, “I don’t know how you do it. I could never do what you do.” I would hand this card to my partner when he walked in the door after work trips and even though I was the one who wrote it, it really helped me feel validated and appreciated.

Jump in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group and tell me if you are a 3. What has helped you connect with your essence and emotions?