Supermom is Getting Tired

When you dislike your child's friends

Episode #103

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie,

I don’t like my daughter’s friends.
I thought about writing and telling you all the reasons WHY I don’t like them to justify my opinion but I think it just boils down to the simple fact that I don’t like them. I think her current group of friends are lazy, boring, and impolite. 
My daughter (age 15) seems to act like whoever she is with. I want her to uphold our family values and teach her friends how to behave in our home (interact politely with adults, clean up after yourself, PLAY rather than watch TV, etc.). Instead of being the leader, she follows their bad behavior when they are here.
I like having the house kids feel comfortable hanging out in. I like that my daughter invites her friends over. I should be grateful they aren’t sneaking out doing drugs or getting into trouble. I realize it could be worse but having them around is very triggering for me.

What do you do when your house is full of people you don’t like?

Amanda

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

First, let’s celebrate what a great job you’ve done. Clearly, these teenage girls feel very comfortable in your home and, like you said, they aren’t doing anything illegal or dangerous.

Let’s start with what NOT to do when you don’t like the friend’s your child hangs out with. 

1. Don’t forbid a friendship. You may be tempted to voice your disapproval or declare these girls are not allowed over anymore but be cautious of this. 

-It puts a strain on your child’s relationship with you, and with her friends. Navigating adolescent friendships is hard enough without having your friends and parents at odds.

-She’ll probably tell her friends that you don’t like them, creating a drama triangle with you as the enemy. Teens bond over how annoying parents are, let her. Pushing back against your parents is part of separating and becoming an independent adult. 

 

2. Don’t get too involved. You never know what life lessons they are learning by choosing these girls. Maybe being with judgmental girls, taught her she wants to be less judgmental herself? Maybe she is working up the courage to take on a leadership role and feels safe experimenting with these “boring” girls? Friendships help us figure out who we want to be. If moms come in and dictate who the kid should be friends with, the kids miss out on this important developmental skill set. 

3. Don’t expect loyalty or consistency. Kids change friends frequently, especially between the ages of 10-20. They try on friends like they try on outfits in a clothing store. Do I like the way this feels? Do I like how it looks? Is it trendy? Is it me? Go with the friendship flow. See the good in every friend your child has. 

Be a good hostess, try to get to know your daughter’s friends, but don’t get too attached. 

Sometimes, we get triggered because we need to establish some rules and/or boundaries. 

HOUSE RULES are rules that everyone in your home agrees to obey 100% of the time. 

Examples: No hitting or hurting, no name calling, no cell phones at the dinner table, take your shoes off when you enter, food stays in the kitchen, etc. 

They should be very clear and obvious when violated and apply to everyone, everyday. “Be nice” isn’t a good house rule because there are many subjective opinions about what nice means. 

Is there a “House Rule” you’d like to enforce with your daughter’s friends that would make you feel more comfortable having them in your home? 

My husband likes to say we have a house rule that “We don’t watch other people work.” He thinks if you see someone working, you should jump up to help. This is not a house rule because he violates it all the time! My kids and husband have been watching me work without helping for YEARS! 

We could, however, communicate this as a value that "you don’t watch people work." Now that our kids are older, if they want to bring friends around, we could announce “In our family, if you see someone working, please offer to help.” This isn’t a rule with consequences, just a value that we can uphold in our home. 

What’s important here, Amanda, is to stay in your own business.

Your daughter’s business - who she likes, who she invites over, how she behaves when she is with them, whether she enforces your rules with her friends, etc. 

 

The friend’s business - How they act in your home, how they talk to you, whether they clean up after themselves, what activities they choose to engage in, etc. 

 

God’s business - Teenagers (especially post-pandemic teens) are often lazy, judgmental, and impolite. Most teenagers prefer watching TV over cleaning up after themselves. Post-pandemic teens may be delayed in social skills and etiquette. Most teens prefer hanging out in houses without strict rules. 

 

YOUR BUSINESS - You get to decide what the rules and expectations are in your house. You get to decide if you want to enforce and remind your daughter and her friend’s of the behavior you expect when they are around. You can ask them to clean up. You can share your values. You can be super polite and respectful to them. What you think inside your head, what you feel, what you say and what you do is 100% YOUR BUSINESS. Focus on these and you will feel a lot less frustrated.

 

Life Coaching Answer: 

When you decided to be a house kids feel comfortable hanging out in, I’m guessing you pictured lovely, fun, polite, trustworthy, helpful kids who engage with you and your daughter in friendly and authentic ways. 

Socially isolate these kids for a year, with their only interactions happening through screens, and you are going to see some delays in their social and emotional development. They haven’t been in other people’s houses, with other people’s parents, in order to learn what the expectations are for their behavior.

***The most important thing to remember is that these are not YOUR friends. You do not have to like them! It is perfectly ok to want to hang out with people your age who align with your values and act the way YOU like!***

 

Letting go of your expectations will help you feel more at peace. 

Then, it’s time to get into integrity with yourself. I think of integrity as aligning your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 

When you are thinking, “these girls are rude” but smiling and being polite, it doesn’t feel good. When we are with people we don’t like, we turn into someone we don’t like. 

When we think “They shouldn’t act this way” “They should be different” or “I don’t like them”, we create negative emotions inside ourselves. When you are feeling negative on the inside, but not allowing yourself to show it on the outside, it makes it very uncomfortable. Suddenly, you aren’t relaxed and easy going. You tell yourself not to say anything rude, but inside you feel annoyed, you are just being rude to yourself instead of them. 

So when you dislike someone, it’s usually because of WHO YOU BECOME when you are with them. If you could be your best self no matter who you are with, other people’s idio-synchronicities wouldn’t bother you so much. 

So first, we’ll let go of the expectations that you should like your daughter’s friends.

Second, focus on who you want to be while they are around and align with your integrity. 

Third, Separate out facts from your thoughts about the facts.

 

Whenever you feel triggered, it really helps to separate the FACTS from your thoughts about the facts. I don’t know all the facts so I’m going to give some examples that may or may not be true. The goal is to deal with the problem from a neutral, factual, big picture perspective. 

 

Fact - Your daughter has friends who spend time in your house.

Fact - These friends often choose TV over outdoor activities.

Fact - Your daughter doesn’t tell her friends how to behave. 

Fact - The house is messier after the friends leave, than before they arrive. 

Fact - When your daughter’s friends are over, the words please & thank you are rarely heard.

 

When you are making your list of facts, think about taking your statement to a court of law and having everyone on the jury agree with you. I started to write “These friends prefer TV over outdoor activities” but changed it to “often choose” because that is something you can track and prove. They may prefer outdoor activities but for whatever reason, choose TV. Be very careful to word your facts in a neutral way.

 

It’s your thoughts about these facts that are triggering for you. Change your thoughts to something more peaceful to get you back in alignment with your integrity and values. 

 

“My daughter is learning something from these friends that I could never teach her.”

“My daughter is still learning how to socialize with friends and parents at the same time.” 

“I can teach these girls how to treat me and my home.” 

 

Supermom Kryptonite: Parents "good friend" expectations

Parents can have such high standards for “how to be a good friend” that it can be hard for kids to live up to their expectations. If you catch yourself saying “She’s not a good friend to you” or “That’s not how good friends behave”, keep in mind your standards might be true for a 40 year old, but kids are still figuring this all out. 

Children need to have room to make mistakes, apologize, forgive, and learn to resolve conflict. If your child’s friend lies, don’t jump to “that’s not what good friends do”. Kids lie. The way we figure out that it doesn’t feel good to be lied to, is by having someone lie to us. 

We learn about the value of loyalty by experiencing how it feels when someone betrays us. Friendship is a journey through social and emotional developmental stages with huge amounts of learning happening all along the way. 

Let’s hold off on blanket statements like good friend / bad friend, mean girl / nice girl, etc. We are all good people who sometimes do mean things. Because of COVID and so much online socializing, you can expect to see delays in children’s ability to socialize with each other. That’s ok. The important part is they are trying, experimenting, failing, and learning from their mistakes.

 

Supermom Power Boost: Reflecting on friendship

Friendships teach us a lot about who we are, what we want, what we value. When moms can suspend their judgment and ask open ended questions instead, it can help kids reflect and learn from each relationship.

Try asking your child questions like: 

“What do you like about these friends?”

“Which of your friends would you most enjoy…...studying with? Cooking with? Camping with? Skiing with? Traveling with?”

If you could change one thing about your friend, what would it be? 

What can you count on? In what way is this friend reliable? 

In what way would you like to be more like your friend?

 

You can also make observations: 

“I notice you always complain about the same thing after you’ve spent time together.”

“Your face lights up every time you see her calling you.” 

“She seems to disappoint you a lot.”

Helping your child reflect on their friendships can help them make better choices and be more deliberate when choosing who to hang out with in the future.

Quote of the Day: 

 

Which extra-curricular activities are most important?

Dear Torie,

Everything is opening back up again and I am excited but a bit overwhelmed.

I’ve got 3 kids: ages 8, 10, and 13 and all of sudden, there are so many choices! Summer camps, Science camps, Sports camps, Swim Teams, Youth Groups at church, invitations from friends to birthday parties, backyard BBQ’s, camping trips, etc. My head is spinning!

I’ve asked my kids to choose but they don’t seem particularly excited about anything. I want my kids out of the house and off their devices, but they just want to stay home.

How do I prioritize which extra curricular activities are most important? Should I choose something they are good at, or not good at? Should I put them in the same activities or different ones? They lost touch with friends over the pandemic so I can’t just put them into the same activities as their friends because they don’t really have anyone they care about seeing, but they need friends!

I wish this wasn’t my decision. I wish they were showing more initiative but if anything is going to happen, it’s falling on my shoulders.

I’d love your take on how to choose some extra curricular activities so I feel confident I’m doing the right thing for them.

Cheri

Parent Educator Answer:

I remember feeling stuck in a similar situation when trying to decide the right type of school system for my first born. I had looked at Walforf, Montessori, homeschooling, unschooling, Sudbury, Catholic, Private, Charter and public schools. My head was spinning with all the options.
My son was an eager learner. He didn’t need school to teach him things because he was so interested and motivated on his own. Given the choice, he would have opted out of going to school. We contemplated homeschooling but I wanted to be sure. It felt like a lot of pressure sitting on my shoulders to choose a school system that was right for him.

Like you, Cheri, I knew that I would need to feel confident it was the right thing if I was going to drag him out of bed every morning, and listen to him complain about it.

It’s a great question to ask! “How do I prioritize what’s most important when there are so many choices?”

I started with the BIG question, “What’s the meaning of life?”

After much discussion with my husband, we decided that the meaning of life is to EXPERIENCE, EXPERIENCES.

If you believe, like I do, that you are a spiritual being, having a human experience, the reason for being here is to experience all that life has to offer. The highs, lows, and everything in between, and to be fully present and aware of yourself while you are experiencing it.

Q: What extra curricular activities are most important?

Priority #1 Experience contrasting experiences
Priority #2 Help your child feel a part of a larger community.
Priority #3 Look for things your child might be interested in.
Priority #4 Choose something YOU enjoy.

Priority #1 Experiencing Experiences
Kids who are 8, 10, and 13, need to have a variety of experiences to help them learn more about who they are, what they like, and to relate to other people in their community. Let them dabble in competitive sports, creative arts, unstructured summer camps and structured scouting activities.

If the activity is so difficult and uncomfortable that it causes your child to shut down, then they are not getting the benefit of the experience of it. You want it to be right on the edge of their comfort zone. Different enough to grow the brain, comfortable enough where they can be present to the experience of it.

All kids are going to protest going outside their comfort zone. They will complain and avoid BEFORE because they are wired to seek immediate pleasure, and avoid the unfamiliar. You want to watch them AFTER they get back from their soccer practice or camping trip. What’s their demeanor like when you pick them up from dance? If they seem full of life, then it’s a good experience for them.

Priority #2 - Connect to a larger community
The second most important thing to prioritize, in my opinion, is socializing. After a year of social distancing, kids may need to re-learn how to engage with strangers and acquaintances. They will most likely protest this. Choose the activities that will help them feel a part of a larger community.

If you attend church for an hour once a week, joining a youth group associated with that church can help them feel connected.

If the whole neighborhood swims at the community pool, consider joining so they feel part of the neighbor kids.

If your daughter’s classmates are into competitive dance, it might be worth looking into joining also.

HOWEVER…

If your daughter’s friends are into dance but your daughter is into geo-caching, helping her find her people and feel a part of that community would be a huge gift to her.

If your son is an artist and loves to create, introducing him to a larger community of artists could give him glimpses into a world he’d like to belong to someday.

Think about helping your children feel a part of a larger community.

Priority #3 - Look for things your child might be interested in.

My daughter was watching a documentary about cleaning up plastics in the ocean and setting up man-made coral reefs and she made an off-handed comment “I’d like to do that someday.” That was all the fuel I needed! I researched and found this organization where we could do just that!
I wanted her to have this experience to help her decide what she wants to major in, if she might like to run a non-profit someday, to meet others who are passionate about helping the environment, so many things one can learn from taking a tiny little interest and experiencing a little bit of it.
The best part when it’s your child’s idea, is they can’t argue with it! Even when it’s the night before leaving and she is nervous, feeling very uncertain about what to expect, what to wear, what the other volunteers would be like, she can’t complain because she knows I did it because it was her idea! Even when she has to wash her own dishes, outside, in the dark, she can only complain so much because it was her idea to begin with.

Listen for SUBTLE comments your kids make like, “That looks life fun”. Notice which YOUTUBE channels they watch. Which video games they play. Pay attention to where they get jealous of others, what they obsess over, what they yearn for, what they get in trouble for in school. Pay attention to these very important signs and then choose activities aligned with their interests.

Priority #4 - Choose something YOU enjoy

If your kids aren’t showing interest in anything in particular, it is absolutely ok to choose the activity YOU enjoy, just make sure it’s something you enjoy NOW.

Many parents put their kids into a sport they loved growing up, only to find WATCHING their child play the same sport is TORTURE!
Or they sign up for the local baseball team not realizing how disruptive this sport is to evening routines and family dinners.

It is ok to consider yourself when choosing activities for your kids.

If you love being a part of the swim team community with bingo nights and camping trips, then great! If you love traveling for weekend long volleyball tournaments in other cities, great. Maybe you prefer to sit in your car and read a book for an hour a week while your kids take a gymnastics class, great!

Just like moms in the animal kingdom, our main goal is to encourage our little chickadees to fly the nest. Our job is to raise adults and every time your child leaves the house to go to the pool, the pitch or the do-jo, we are doing our job encouraging independence. Everytime your child builds a relationship with a coach, a teacher, or goes on vacation with another family, they are learning that the world is a safe place and there are many people they can count on.

Life Coaching Answer:

What gets in our way from KNOWING which activities to sign our kids up for?
Our desire to protect them from negative emotions.
Our desire to avoid dramatic pushback and complaining.
Not knowing what WE WANT.

We, also, like to seek immediate pleasure and avoid discomfort. Of course we don’t want to deal with waking them up, getting off their devices, MAKING them do fun things that are good for them. It’s annoying, but it’s not a reason to avoid doing it.

Our job is to raise adults, experience experiences and connect with a larger community. Congratulations, Momma! You are doing it!

You are a part of the Supermom Community! We are all in this together! Forcing our kids to become functioning adults whether they like it or not.

When our kids aren’t excited and leading the way, we can feel a little lost. We spent so many years suppressing our own wants that we don’t even know which activity seems most fun to us. When you know and trust yourself, parenting decisions are easy.

If you crave alone time, find a “drop off” activity and enjoy the quiet time. If you want to get to know mom’s in the area, join a family oriented activity like swim team, competitive cheer, or any traveling club sport team. If you hate driving all over town, choose something nearby with easy carpooling.

If your kids aren’t jumping up and down to try something new, there is no harm in making it something that works for you.

Supermom Kryptonite - Overscheduling

Now that things are opening back up, be aware of the signs of overscheduling yourself or your kids. Everyone is different. Introverts and Creatives LOVED the mandated lockdown that COVID provided. Extroverted Explorers like myself, did not. Stay attuned to your child’s innate personality and what makes them feel fully ALIVE.

If you are an extrovert who loves to learn new things, you might have a hard time understanding a kid who needs time alone in their room to connect to their own ideas and express themselves creatively.

Even if your child is minimally scheduled, having to tag along to run errands, go shopping, and watch big sister practice taekwondo, can drain a kid’s energy making it harder to experience, experiences.

Signs of overscheduled kids are: grumpy/moody, complaining or whining, difficulty entertaining themselves (saying “I’m bored” when they have down time), difficulty falling asleep, getting sick a lot / stomach pains / headaches.

Try scheduling in “white space” on the calendar. Treat this down time with reverence. Tell your kids this is their “nag free / screen free” time where they get to do whatever they feel like doing. (Make it sound amazing and wonderful so they don’t think it’s punishment). This is YOUR down time, too! Where you will not respond to requests or demands from the children. You get to do whatever you FEEL LIKE DOING IN THE MOMENT. No to-do lists, no agenda, no guilt. If you FEEL like doing laundry, do laundry, but make sure it comes from your inner desires, not external expectations.

Supermom PowerBoost - Let your freak flag fly

In my 20’s I was a bit of a “green meanie”. I cared deeply for the environment and would become sickened at the nonchalant attitude some people had toward something that felt like a real and immediate crisis. I would sort through people’s trash cans, pulling out recyclables, and get sick to my stomach if someone left their engine running while their car was idle. I refused to drink out of styrofoam or plastic bottles even if I was thirsty. I was not a pleasant person to be around.

When my life coach helped me undo my perfectionistic tendencies, I learned hate doesn’t help people to love the earth. I took a break from environmental causes until I could act from a place of love instead of fear. During this time, I became a nicer person to be around. I wasn’t so judgmental or annoyed by others. I learned to go with the flow. I accepted that not everyone feels as strongly about Mother Earth as I do. Socially fitting in was nice.

When my daughter started to become passionate about the environment, I felt this was my opportunity to step back into my passion from a place of love. We started buying bamboo toilet paper, laundry and dishwasher “pods”, sustainably sourced (or second hand) clothing, bar soap instead of liquid, and we reduced our meat consumption by 90%! This all felt so good. I was able to be myself without becoming an annoying, judgemental person.

But when I was in Costa Rica, cleaning up trash with other people who were passionate about the environment, it felt AMAZING. I could let my “freak flag fly” without fear of people thinking I was weird. I was with other people who would refuse straws if they were plastic, insisted on bringing reusable take out containers to restaurants, chose veggies instead of meat because it reduces CO2 emissions, and made sure their sunscreen was reef safe. I felt free to be myself for the first time in a long time.

So when you are looking for extra-curricular activities for your child, try to find a community where they can “let their freak flag fly”.

Ask yourself, “What’s weird about my kid?” “What aspect of their personality would their peers make fun of?” and if you can, try and find a community to support THAT and watch your child come ALIVE.

But don’t just focus on your kid, find a community for your own weirdness, too. If your son loves competitive cheer, but you don’t enjoy socializing with other moms at loud, overstimulating competitions, be honest. Tell the moms that you’ll be napping in your car between 1-3pm. You might be surprised to find other mom’s following in your footsteps. Before you know it, you are leader of a community of “introverted cheer moms who nap”.

Quote of the Day:
“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.” Brene Brown

Finding your soul's calling after motherhood

Episode #101 - Finding your soul's calling after motherhood

 

Question of the Day:  "My oldest child is going off to college in the fall. I've got two more teens following soon, and I'm a wreck. I have LOVED being a mom. I'm excited for them but so sad for me. I feel like I found my calling in motherhood. How do you find purpose after raising kids?"

 

To help me answer this question, I've asked the brilliant Bev Barnes to join me today.

Bev Barnes M.S., is a Master Life Coach, Coach Mentor and Coach Instructor. She’s the creator of the Soul’s Calling® Roadmap process & the Soul’s Calling® Coach & Facilitator training.

Bev works with smart, empathic, women who have a calling, but they aren’t sure what their calling is, or how to get there, from where they are now. Their real problem however is that they’re used to fitting in, and their calling will force them to stand out and be seen, and that terrifies them.

Bev helps these women face their fears, get seen & claim their soul’s calling. She offers intensive courses, mentoring, training & retreats to help women get from where they are now, to where they want to be.
Bev holds a master’s degree in Psycho-education, and graduate training in career counseling and brief & strategic therapy. She has worked in the corporate world, in the education sector, and extensively with First Nations communities in northern Quebec.

 

If you feel like you found your soul's calling through motherhood and worry about life after the empty nest, this is the perfect podcast for you!  

I love that I got a chance to be coached by Bev about what part of parenting I'm most proud of and what it means. I've been asking everyone that question and it's fascinating to hear the variety of answers.

Click here to get your free gift from Bev

https://www.soulscallingacademy.com/

100th episode special - 7 energy levels

Episode #100!!

So exciting! Thank you for accompanying me on this journey.

Special Episode: Instead of answering a listener question, I thought I’d walk you through some of my parenting a-ha moments that shifted my energy. I’m going to tell you 7 stories of my personal transformations that I’m sure you will resonate with.

I’m also going to tell you the results of some informal surveying I’ve been doing, asking grown kids the following questions:

What did your mom do well?
What do you wish she had done differently?
What was the highlight of your childhood?

And why the answers to those questions really matter!

First, let’s talk about the 7 levels of energy.

This concept was taken from David Hawkin’s book Power vs. Force and outlined in Bruce D. Schneider’s book Energy Leadership, modified here for motherhood.

1 - Victim - Circumstances dictate my life. I have no power. "I lose" Guilt, worry, self doubt, hopelessness, fear. “I have to…” “I need to….” “I should….” Moms in victim mindset say things like “I have to do everything around here.” “How come I do all the work” “My kids, partner, bank account, won’t let me do what I want.” 

The a-ha moment that lifted me out of level one victim energy was modified from Eckart Tolle: 
"Do the dishes, or don’t do the dishes, but don’t worry about doing the dishes."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 - Anger & Conflict - This level is marked by lots of conflict and power struggles.  A scarcity mindset is prevalent. There’s not enough time, approval, help, money, love, attention to go around. It’s the idea that you need to lose, in order for me to win. Mom’s at level 2 get angry and annoyed with their children, at other moms on social media, at their partners and themselves for not doing enough. Resentment, greed, pride, and blaming others are prevalent. In this stage we feel like we have to prove ourselves worthy, earn our rewards, and wait for external approval or validation. “I need you lose so I can win.”

My a-ha moment came from my mother-in-law's comment that I'm always working. This comment helped me shift from Level 2 to level 3. I started looking at the amount of hours I was putting into parenting and decided I had earned time off. Doing math, calculating hours spent, and taking responsibility for my relaxation time was a big shift for me. 

 

 

3 - Rationalization - Explaining, justifying, and taking responsibility. Lots of words are used at this level! Being able to put yourself in your child’s shoes, understand their personality and accept their behavior. "I can understand why they behave this way." There is forgiveness and cooperation at this level. Problem solving and a intense or hurried focus on the to-do list. Intellectualizing instead of feeling. This level involves lots of words but little emotions, intuition, or listening to spirit. “I win”.

This a-ha came to me at workshop for The Life Coach School. Every spring, my coach, Brooke Castillo, would offer master life coach training and every year, I was WAY too overwhelmed to consider. She had a guest speaker walking us through an exercise, drawing pictures of where we are today, and where we'd like to be. I wanted to be less chaotic and frenzied, and more peaceful and calm. She asked us to name 3 big, bold action steps we could take to get us where we wanted to be and I wrote a "working weekend" in a hotel room by myself. This was the beginning of me taking weekends away by myself that was such a gift. After these weekends I realized how much it benefited my whole family, not just me.

 

4 - Being of service. Love, compassion, gratitude, caring, playful, supportive, helpful, generous, “How can I help you win?” Many moms come to life coaching wanting to be at this energy level. They say, "I just want to be grateful for what I have." This level feels so much better than the lower levels that it’s easy for Moms to get stuck here. Society approves of moms staying in level 4. But spending too much time in level 4 will bring you back to level 2, resentment. There is a difference between love and self sacrifice. If you slip into anger, victimhood, or martyrdom: “I will die on the sword before I’ll let my children suffer a negative emotion”, it’s time to elevate your energy.

Purposefully shifting out of level 2 energy with my partner, and shifting INTO level 4 gave me a profound boost to my marriage. I Let go of the expectation that my husband should be like my dad, and encouraged him to be happy, without feeling like he "owed" me anything. 

 

 

5 - Reconciliation - Love, freedom, and peace. Letting go of good/bad, right/wrong. See challenges as an opportunity for growth. Letting go of judgment. Open minded. Focus on growth and empowerment for all. Everyone in the family has certain skills and talents, how can we utilize them to make our family function better. Looking at the bigger picture: “A rising tide lifts all ships”. Accepting differences and co-creating for the higher good. “What’s right about me?” “What’s right about you?” “How can we build something better together using our strengths?” What’s good for one is good for all. “We all win”

This hit me when I was struggling to help my son recover from a concussion. It was a very dark time and it seemed like everything was going wrong. His health was terrible and we couldn't figure out how to help him. All of sudden one day, I had the thought, "What if this is all for me?" What if he is going through all this so I can learn to help other moms of struggling teens?" It was a very peaceful, freeing and mind blowing way to think about it so I'm calling level 5 energy. 

 

6 - Joy and Connection to all things. Everything has purpose and value. Connected to source energy, to spirit, to all people, to collective consciousness. Very intuitive. Perfection in all things. There are no negative experiences, just curiosity, “I wonder why I created this experience for myself?” Abundant wealth, success, joy, love for all people. Responding to inspiration. There is nothing to fix, it’s all perfect. Synthesis and joy.
“We are all always winning, nobody ever loses.”

 

One day when my kids were little I laid my head on my husbands lap in sheer exhaustion. I felt overwhelmed and exhausted trying to figure out how to parent my strong willed daughter when my husband said, “You cannot expect to be a parenting coach and only have easy children.” He said it with so much love and levity, that I was able to hear it as ultimate truth. There is perfection in all things. I started to think of myself as a "Perfectly Imperfect" parent, raising perfectly imperfect kids. 

 

7 - Oneness and Zen. Equal passion for all things, yet total, non-attachment. No judgment. “Winning and losing are illusions.”

If life is a game of chess, watching the players move in and out, you are the chessboard. Loving the game, creating, playing and observing all at the same time. Complete fearlessness. Byron Katie and Eckart Tolle. (Difficult energy to parent from or connect with those of us still on the Earthly plain)

Glimpses going into surgery (I love all the people!) and in Costa Rica (There is nothing to fear). 

Survey Results:

What did your mom do well?

She trusted me. She was very kind and loving. We had a very stable and predictable house with little drama. I always knew she loved me. She was fair. She taught me to pay attention to feelings: mine and other peoples. She was an excellent nurturer.

 

What do you wish she had done differently?

I wish she had taken more time to herself to relax. She was always stressed, I wish she could have been less urgent and more fun and playful. I wish she had pushed me more. I wish she had pushed me less. I wish she was more tuned into me as a teenager. I wish she had backed off and trusted me more. I wish she had been more involved. I wish she had been less involved. I wish she had provided more structure. I wish she hadn’t been so rigid.

 

It was interesting how the answers to this question were more about the child, than a reflection on the parent. How they answer this question might give you a glimpse into their future career path or lifestyle choices. It's more of a glimpse of where they are now, than it is about your parenting. 

 

What was the highlight of your childhood?

There is a theme!

Everyone responded with some version of: Outside, moving in nature, unstructured time with kid led activities, peers....... but no adults nearby! 

Socially Uncomfortable Teen

Episode #99 - Socially Uncomfortable Teen

Question of The Day:

“I see my 15 year old being anxious anytime she has to interact with anyone in person! It’s as though she's lost her confidence to talk to someone face to face.”

“I have two teens, a 15 and a nineteen year old. One of the things that worries me is my 15 year old girl has become so introverted. She says she doesn’t like people and doesn’t want to be around people. With all this pandemic time at home and doing virtual school she really has become secluded. Her and I have a good relationship, but I know she needs others.” Cindy

 

Parent Educator Answer:

We just spent over a YEAR thinking that our friends can kill us. It is a very strange psychological trip to flip a switch and expect our kids to socially re-engage without struggle.

Avoiding social situations is a sure-fire way to increase social anxieties, especially during the teen and tween years where there is so much social nuance.

Let’s start by talking about the difference between introversion and social anxiety.

Introverts get drained by being around too many people, too much of the time. They need time alone to “power up” and fill their tank. Alone time gives introverts energy. Extroverts are energized by being with others. Too much time alone can drain an extrovert’s energy. They power up by being with people.

Introverts think before they speak where extroverts tend to think out loud. When introverts talk, they speak with fully formed thoughts and sentences.

Extroverts tend to have a “more is merrier” approach to people. They are often happy to open up to new people, where introverts tend to prefer deep friendships with a few core people.

When your daughter says she doesn’t like people that sounds more like social anxiety to me. It’s something she can say to protect herself from feeling awkward, embarrassed, or anxious. Easier to reject and say she doesn’t need it than to deal with those yucky emotions.

You can offer her books about introverts or watch TED Talks together about the subject, but the best way to help ALL kids who feel socially awkward (84% of middle schoolers btw) is to role-play social situations with them.

In the sex education class I teach for 9-12 year olds, I’ve done lots of role-playing with kids because they really like it. We’ll role-play peer pressure scenarios, sexual harassment scenarios, you name it. If you aren’t one for making up your own social scenarios, google social skills role-plays and you’ll find many created by teachers and counselors you can purchase or print off the internet.

Kids learn through play. When you present a scene and they get to play a character, it feels safe to try out different ways to respond. You plan and prepare for awkward, uncomfortable moments by rehearsing them first.

Taking a drama class is another way to help teens and tweens socialize. We tend to think of drama classes as being for outgoing, dramatic kids but they are great for quiet kids who struggle socially. When you are playing a role, you can try on different emotions and ways of acting and reacting without really having to put your whole self out there.

Another way to help build social skills is a game called Awkward Moment. Awkward Moment is a fun card game designed to teach social skills to kids. It’s similar to Apples to Apples, where everyone has 5 cards in their hand and chooses one of them to apply to the awkward situation. It exposes kids to awkward situations and shows them there are a variety of ways to respond. It’s geared towards kids more than teens, but it may be worth a try.

Your daughter can practice socializing in a non-intimidating environment by working with children, animals, or the elderly. She could volunteer or get a job with a training program that tells her how to act and what to say so it takes the pressure off trying to figure it out on her own.

There are many ways to help our socially awkward teens and tweens re-engage with society, once you open up to ideas.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from implementing them? Uncooperative children and no examples.

Chances are, unless you went to Cotillion dance lessons, you weren’t taught social skills in a formal way. It was probably something you just picked up. No one sat you down and role-played with you, teaching you what to say and how to make friends. When we don’t have any role modeling, it’s hard to figure out how to do it ourselves.

The other obstacle of course, is the eye rolling, and “OMG, MOM, NO!” that is bound to ensue when you approach the topic.

How do you get teens to cooperate with things that you know are good for them but they feel awkward doing?

- Make it fun- Have conviction
- Offer incentive
- Offer information, consequences, choice
- Make it about you.
- Make it normal - relate it to something else.

 

 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - “This is so easy”

When something comes easily to us, we have a hard time relating to our kids with compassion and empathy. Be wary of things that come easily to you, but not to your kids. Whether it’s socializing, math, athletics, or time-management, the thought “this is so easy” will drain your energy and get in the way of accomplishing your goals.

If social skills come easily to you, it might be difficult for you to break it down into small steps and teach it to someone else. Find someone for whom it did not come easily and who had to be taught it.

I really struggled socially and coped by not talking at all. I did everything I suggested above: drama classes, worked with children, had social jobs. I read teen novels like “The Popularity Plan” like they were self-help books.

If your kid is struggling with something you find easy, connect them with a tutor, a relative, a friend, a counselor, or anyone who had to learn it the hard way and can break it down into steps.

Tutor Bloom is an online resource that connects tutors and students. Because of the large number of post-pandemic kids struggling with social re-engagement, they are going to start offering social skills as one of their categories. Sign up to get connected at www.tutorbloom.com.

 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Love on the Spectrum

The BEST show I watched this year on Netflix was Love on the Spectrum. This Australian reality TV show teaches young adults with autism how to go about finding romantic relationships. They talk about how to find someone with common interests, to see that conversations are 50/50, to read people’s body language and expressions, and read the intentions behind people’s words. IT’S BRILLIANT! Everyone needs to watch this show, not just people on the spectrum. The rules for romance and dating have changed so much since John Hughes movies in the 80’s that all young people could benefit from having dating rules broken down so clearly. Not to mention the show is super entertaining and heart-warming!

 

Quote of the Day - “When people become lonely and isolated, whatever social skills they have tend to atrophy from misuse.” Chris Segrin

Why do I sabotage myself?

Episode 98: Why do I sabotage myself?

Dear Torie, 

I have this evening routine that really works for me. Once the kids are down for the night, I put music on while I tidy up the kitchen. Then, I light a candle, do some relaxing yoga, meditate and then read until I fall asleep. When I do it, I feel amazing. It is good for my mind, body and soul. I feel rested, relaxed and proud that I prioritized myself and set myself up for a good night’s sleep. In the morning I feel ready to take on my day. 

SO THEN, WHY THE HELL CAN’T I MAKE MYSELF DO IT?

Instead I find myself mindlessly scrolling through my phone, eating lucky charms and staying up til midnight watching back to back Catfish episodes!

I know what is good for me. I genuinely enjoy it. Why the hell do I keep sabotaging myself? 

Veronica

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

Self Sabotage is when we actively or passively take steps that prevent us from accomplishing our goals. 

 

The reason you can’t understand your self sabotaging behaviors is because you think you already have the answer. In your mind, the mystery has been solved, but it’s solved in a way that keeps you stuck in the same pattern. 

 

Let’s say you stay up late playing Candy Crush on your phone while keeping up with the Kardashians. You look at the clock and see it’s after midnight. No yoga, no tidying, no meditating. Your brain gets annoyed and asks, “Why do I keep sabotaging myself?”. Your subconscious mind answers with something like: “I suck” “I’m lazy” “There’s something wrong with me.”.  

 

Instead of going to bed with a good brain puzzle like “I wonder why I didn’t do my night time routine that I really enjoy?”, you go to bed feeling ashamed. Shame likes to live in the dark so we close the book on that topic, thinking we’ve solved it. You come up with some blanket assault on your character, “I’m just a terribly unmotivated person” and you don’t get curious and try to understand yourself from a place of compassion.

All of this is subconscious of course. You aren’t deliberately trying to create evidence to prove you are a lazy, unmotivated person. This is just how cognitive bias works. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: 

You want to do your evening routine, but you don’t. This is living outside your own integrity. 

 

When we live outside our own integrity, there is always a reason. My hunch is that you have two competing beliefs, one saying, “I want this lovely, healthy, evening routine.” and the other one says, “I’m sick of being good. I want to indulge, to relax. I want a reward. I don’t want to work anymore today.” 

 

I’m going to guess that Veronica is a pretty hard worker. She probably places a high value on hard work, cutting herself very little slack during the day. Her evening routine, although lovely, is probably a little too noble for the tired part of you that just wants to relax and play. 

 

Maybe you are thinking, “I relax too much, Torie. I’m constantly going on social media when I really should be getting dinner started.” Guilty avoidance is not the same as relaxation. If you sit down and relax for 10 minutes while “shoulding” on yourself, “I should be folding laundry” “I should be answering that email” you will feel MORE exhausted afterward, not rejuvenated.

 

Genuine relaxation involves putting your brain and body in the same place. I am sitting on the sofa reading my book and my brain is also on the sofa, telling me this is the best place to be right now. Playing Solitaire on your phone can be relaxing if you are thinking, “This is so lovely, I am really enjoying this.”

 

You can expand this into noble pursuits as well. When you fold laundry, try to focus your attention on the feel of the clothes, the warmth, or as Marie Kondo says, “Bless them and thank them for their service.” 

 

My hunch is that the only time you think good thoughts about yourself is when you are working.  If a child only receives praise when she is diligently working, she will learn to spend many hours diligently working. But that doesn’t CHANGE the nature of a child from a playful free spirit into a cog in the machine of productivity. It just means that she learns to push through her natural desires and pressure herself to do what feels UNNATURAL. 

 

The reason you are self sabotaging is because you are tired of being so good and noble. Your subconscious mind is yearning to be a playful, free spirit and have some fun. The remedy for this is simple, give yourself permission to play, relax, break a rule, do something naughty, indulge and have fun. 

 

Think about self-sabotage, not as a sign that you are a bad person, but as a message from your spirit saying you are out of balance. When you can work freedom and relaxation into your day, it will be easier to be noble and good at the end of your day. When you schedule time to slack off, indulge, or break a rule, your playful spirit feels seen and heard so she doesn’t have to create it behind your back. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - “Procrasti-working”

 

All you hard working Supermoms listen up!

If you are someone who only compliments yourself for working, and condemns yourself for rest and relaxation, you might notice yourself “procrasti-working”. Procrasti-working is doing busy work to avoid doing something difficult. There’s a difference between focused, productive work that moves the needle forward towards accomplishing your goals, and mindless, busywork to avoid that mean voice in your head that scolds you for relaxing. 

 

Checking email, online shopping, researching summer camps, social media, can be a rabbit hole of procrasti-working. Next time you catch yourself in that mindless, unproductive state, get up and clear your mind. Open up a blank page in a journal, go outside and listen to the birds, do 10 jumping jacks, and start again. 

 

Ask yourself, “Is my spirit yearning for rest or accomplishment?” If it’s yearning for productive accomplishment, set a timer on your phone and accomplish one task. If it’s yearning for rest, do something that feels delicious to your spirit.

 

Procrasti-working drains our energy, making us feel like we worked hard all day but didn’t accomplish anything. Be aware of this toxic Supermom kryptonite. 

 

Supermom Power Boost - A “Do Nothing Day”

 

When my Supermom clients are resistant to relaxation but clearly yearn for it, we turn relaxation into something noble and good. I love assigning a “Do Nothing Day” as homework. When the GOAL is to do nothing productive, it turns relaxation into a chore. This appeals to the “responsible obliger” inside my clients who value getting good grades on their homework. Once they put a “do nothing day” on their calendar and they get to experience how amazing the benefits are and what a better mom and wife they become, it fuels them to do it again. 

 

Veronica did this by making a relaxing evening routine into a chore but it didn’t work. For her, she would be better served by doing yoga while watching Catfish, and practice meditation while eating her Lucky Charms. 

 

I got a text from a client recently that says, “Hey Torie, I wanted to let you know I’m on a plane heading on a hiking trip with my girlfriends. I never would have let myself dream of a trip like this before the work we did together. Yes, it was a challenge leaving my kids but I need to miss them and fill up my tank. Thank you, Thank you!” When you combine something fun with exercise, it makes it easier for our noble selves to say yes. 

 

When I started to take weekend getaways in hotel rooms by myself, I justified it by saying I was going to get a lot of work accomplished while there. 

 

If you are stuck, worshipping your to-do list, unable to allow yourself relaxation, and noticing signs of self sabotage, you are the perfect candidate for my Supermom is Getting Tired life coaching program. You would be amazed how your life can transform to becoming more fun, playful, restful and productive. Schedule your free call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

 

Quote of the Day: 

“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves." Mary Oliver

Nobody appreciates all the work I do

Episode #97 - "No one appreciates all the work I do."

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie 

“No one appreciates all the work I do. I am so sick of giving, giving, giving and not getting any help or recognition in return. I have 3 capable kids and a competent husband and yet they still expect me to do everything for them. It makes me want to take off and let them fend for themselves for a week or two. What do you do, when no one appreciates what you do for them? Is a little gratitude too much to ask?”

Michelle

 

Parent Educator Answer: What do you do, when no one appreciates you? 

 

The rule of thumb when parenting kids, is to never do for them what they are capable of doing for themselves. When you encourage your kids to manage their own lives: personal care, cooking, cleaning, school work, leisure activities, etc. it helps them build confidence, independence, and self-belief. 

When a parent does too much for their children, we rob them of the opportunity to develop competence and confidence. This is called over-functioning. 

It is common in today’s parenting culture to believe the job of mom is to keep kids from failing or experiencing any sort of negative emotion. However this creates a learned helplessness in our children, where they stop trying to do things for themselves. If your child is waiting for mom to do things for them, that developmentally they are capable of doing for themselves, it is important to interrupt this habit ASAP. 

• Is it hard for you to watch your child struggle? 
• Do you like to step in with advice instead of letting your kid figure it out on their own? 
• Is it more fun to help your kids accomplish their goals than for you to work towards yours? 
• Does your family see you as reliable, available and together? 
• Do you feel responsible for your teen’s mood, decisions, school work and social life?

These are signs you may be a codependent caretaker, an over-functioning parent, or a Supermom who is ready for change. 

We see our kids struggling and think, I can solve that problem. I can help them. They need me. So we step in and take over. We see a messy house and think, I could clean that up so fast. It feels good. We feel needed, valuable and competent. 

But our kids DO NOT feel needed, valuable and competent. They feel incompetent, not needed and invaluable. YOU are so capable that your teen feels INCAPABLE in comparison. They start to see themselves as useless, powerless and helpless, needing mom to solve their problems for them. 

The good news is, Michelle’s higher self is functioning perfectly. It’s trying to get her attention with resentment and this desire to take off for a week so her family will miss her. All she needs to do is obey her higher self. Take off for a week. Go have fun with some girlfriends. Stop giving and doing so much and let her family fend for themselves. Start focusing on herself instead of trying to solve all her kids problems. Show appreciation for herself by doing the things she enjoys the most.  Easy peasy, right?

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from focusing on ourselves and letting our family step up and take over? 

We like to feel needed. We just spent the last 12-15 years feeling valued and purposeful from taking care of others. If we just stop doing things they are capable of doing, how will we feel valued? We have learned to equate being needed, solving problems, and helping, with feeling like a valuable human. This is not an easy thing to give up just because our kid had another birthday. 

In order to let go, walk away, and let our kids muddle through….we’ve got to think a thought like, “They’ll be fine without me” or “They don’t need me”, For some moms these thoughts are freeing, for some Supermoms, they can be terrifying.

It brings up the questions: Who am I if nobody needs me? Who am I if I’m not mom?  

The answers to these questions terrify us after spending more than a decade building our identity around being a mom. It might feel uncomfortable, or scary, or empty but if you can allow yourself to sit with those feelings now, not only will you grow more capable, competent young adults but it will make the empty nest much less daunting. 

Recognize that your value as a human does not come from people being dependent on you. Your value as a human is non-negotiable. You have value simply because you have air in your lungs and blood in your body. If a quadriplegic can’t take care of himself, let alone anyone else, that doesn’t mean he is value-less. Your grandmother may be too old to care for others but is still a valuable human. Nobody is dependent on your dog or cat, but they still have worth. 

The idea that you have value BECAUSE you are needed is something you made up that was never really true. 

Think about this way, your teenagers are going through the same identity crisis as you are. 

They are trying to figure out “Who am I if I’m not dependent on mom?” “Who am I as an independent teenager instead of a dependent kid?” “Who do I want to be in the future?” 

You are doing the same. Trying to figure out what your future will look like without a dependent kid. Wondering, “Who am I when no one needs me?” and “Who do I want to be in the future?” 

 

Identity crises are not smooth and easy transitions. It’s a messy stage that involves grief and letting go of the past. It’s a lot of “two steps forward, one step back” type of growth and it happens much more quickly and efficiently with a supportive group of people going through the same thing at the same time. 

 

This is why I created the Leading Your Teen coaching program. I wanted moms to feel like they were surrounded by people who get it. A place where you could learn some concrete coping skills for making life with teenagers more enjoyable, while also learning to focus on YOU and what you want. 

 

My Leading Your Teen coaching program will help you be the mom you want to be while raising a teenager. If you want to feel appreciated, you can create that. Instead of waiting for your family to behave for you to feel good, you get to start feeling good today. You’ll get practical parenting tips for raising happy, successful teens, compassion and support, and a vision of your future you can be excited about. 

Go to www.leadingyourteen.com 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Giving to Get

 

A secret, invisible energy drain Supermoms might not know is making them tired is something I call “Giving to Get”. 

Michelle might be giving SO THAT she can GET the feeling of appreciation. This is today’s kryptonite because it leaves us feeling frustrated when it doesn’t work but SOMETIMES it does work!

We cut flowers from our garden and give them to the neighbors and they seem so pleased and grateful! This fuels us. We love feeling like we made someone else’s day. We love making them happy. So we give again and again. We look for more things to give them. Eventually, they don’t seem so pleased and grateful. This random reinforcement hooks us in like a slot machine that is going to pay out a big win at any moment. We give and give, hoping to get the good feeling back, getting annoyed and frustrated when we don’t get it. 

 

The same thing can happen to a mom giving to her family. We give and give when they are little. We feel loved, valued and appreciated. Eventually, they get used to us giving. They start to expect it. They get frustrated and annoyed when they don’t get what they expect. This hooks them in with the random reinforcement. Instead of encouraging their independence, we have subconsciously turned it into an addictive game. They tap into our fears of “Who am I if I’m not caring for my family?” Everyone feels powerless. 

 

Instead of “giving to get”, moms need to “give from a full cup”. When mom is doing a fabulous job of self care and self appreciation, she can give from a place of abundance.

When you focus on yourself and doing things you love doing, being around people that appreciate you, it fills up your cup. Then you have extra overflow to give to your family from an open heart. You can take care of her family from love and generosity because you have EXTRA a to give away. 

Stop giving from resentment or "giving to get", and start taking care of your own needs and wants first. You will be amazed at how much more energy you have in the tank to give to your family.

 

Supermom Power Boost - Self Appreciation

 

If you want to feel appreciated the simplest way is to give that to yourself. Say, “I appreciate myself.” “I like who I am as a mother to teenagers”  “I value the work I do for them.” 

If that’s not enough for you, you might need to tune into yourself a little deeper. One way to appreciate yourself is to know yourself. 

Let’s take the thought, “Nobody needs me”. Depending on your personality and stage of life, this thought could be freeing and exciting, or terrifying and depressing. If it gives you a feeling of dread, then don’t think it. Even if your kids are independent and capable, change it to something more aligned with your innate need to be needed. 

Perhaps asking, “I wonder who needs me today?” would feel more inspiring and give you ideas on who to reach out to. 

A thought like, “People are waiting for me to show them what I have to offer” could be a nudge of motivation towards putting yourself out there in a bigger way. 

“My kids need me to set an example of conquering fears and trying new things” could be just the thought you need to help you focus on yourself and take actions towards your goals. 

 

Quote of the Day: 

“If they don’t appreciate your presence, perhaps you should try giving them your absence.” Tinku Razoria

My middle schooler identifies as tri-gender

Episode 96 - My middle schooler identifies as tri-gender.

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie

"I’m wondering if you know of resources (books, podcasts, sites, etc) about gender identity? My middle schooler revealed last week that she identifies as trigender... which I hadn’t even heard of! She explains it as not connecting with any one gender - female, male or non—binary. Yesterday she said that she’d like to be called Alex instead of Allie. Lots to take in and process!"

"I’m feeling... not anxious about it, which I’m thrilled about (pretty sure old me would have gone straight to anxiety). I want to support and love her. My main concern (for me) is that I 'do this right', in terms of parenting. And I do have concerns for her, mainly around potential of being bullied. Lots to take in and process! Very interested in any resources you know of."

Cassandra

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

When I received this email, I was preparing to teach some gender education to my Time for The Talk class. Time for the Talk is a sex education class for 9-12 year old kids to take with their parents designed to open up communication on difficult subjects like sex, gender identity, sexual harassment, puberty, consent, etc. If you have a 9-12 year old, go to www.timeforthetalk.com to sign up for the spring class starting April 15th.

My knowledge and experience is limited on the subject of gender identity so I invited Bridget Sampson to the podcast to lend her expertise on the subject.

Bridget is the Founder and CEO of Sampson Coaching & Consulting where she offers leadership and communication training and coaching programs for Fortune 500 companies. As a TEDx Speaker and an Emeritus Professor of Communication Studies at California State University, Northridge, Bridget has shared her expertise on public speaking, interpersonal communication, organizational communication, and intercultural communication for over 25 years. Bridget is a professional coach and she and her daughter, Jackie, co-founded Transgender School in 2020 to educate people about diverse transgender identities and experiences. Bridget is co-host of The Right Questions Podcast and The Transgender School Podcast.

 

 

Life Coaching Answer: 

What gets in our way from being this open, accepting, loving, inquisitive mom?  Our ego and our emotions. When your child reveals that they identify as a different gender, they are essentially saying that you have been wrong all these years. We don't like to be wrong, especially about something we think we are experts in, OUR CHILDREN!

I imagine there are A LOT of emotions to process when your child reveals the truth of their gender identity!  Grief, sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, you name it!  If we don't process these emotions separately and find our own emotional support, it's going to be really hard to be the parent your kid needs you to be.

 

 

Helping Your Teen with Social Anxiety

Episode #95 - Helping Your Teen with Social Anxiety

Question of the Day:

“I’m worried about my daughter. She is 14, a freshman in high school, and socially seems to be withdrawing more and more. Her grades are fine, but she chose to continue online learning instead of returning to school and this concerns me.

She spends most of the day in her room. I try to get her to walk the dog with me, go shopping or out to dinner, but she would rather stay home. On the occasions where I make her come with me (dentist appointments or important family things) she looks visibly uncomfortable. She puts her hood on, head down and walks briskly, trying to avoid any contact with other people.

It’s not just my invitations she is turning down. I hear her declining invitations with friends, too. She’ll say she doesn’t feel like going out and doing things but when she comes home after exercising or socializing, her face brightens and she seems happier.

Could my daughter be dealing with social anxiety or depression? Is this just a negative side effect of the pandemic that will go away with time? How do I help her? I have suggested talking to someone (therapist) but she has turned me down. If she won’t talk to me or her friend about it, how can I get her to talk to a stranger?”

Seema

Parent Educator Answer: How do I help my teenager’s mental health?

Mental health is going to be the issue of the decade.

Meghan Markle talked about it with Oprah.

Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are talking about it.

Research continues to show a very strong correlation between time spent on social media and increasing anxiety and depression in teen girls.

This pandemic and its social distancing gave already anxious teens a great excuse to stay home and not engage with peers.

We just spent the last 12 months worried that our friends could kill us.

This is going to take a toll.

What are the basics of mental health?

Sleep, nutrition, love, exercise, social acceptance, physical safety, the ability to pursue things you are interested in, the ability to be your authentic self, a sense of purpose and community.

There are ways in which modern living is negatively impacting the mental health of our children and adolescents, even before the pandemic.

Let’s say a child has a bad day at school.

His teacher embarrassed him in front of the class, his friend said something rude at lunch time, he got a bad grade, whatever.

If he was to walk home from school with a friend, by the time he got home, he would feel better.

The combination of exercise, positive social interaction, and being outside in nature, would help him process his negative emotions so that they aren’t such a big deal anymore.

When we pick our kids up and drive them home, these negative emotions don’t have a place to go. They stay bottled up. If our kid jumps straight to homework or video games, it distracts rather than releases. When we ask “How was school? Did you have a good day? Were your friends being nice to you?”

We think we are showing interest and caring but it would probably be more effective to tell a joke, share some embarrassing mistake you made that day, or talk about fun weekend plans. Sometimes our questions can feel like pressure to be perfect, have everything go well, and be happy all the time.

Let’s get back to Seema’s questions about her daughter.

Could her teenager be dealing with anxiety and depression? Yes.

Could this be a negative side effect of the pandemic? Yes.

Or she could have had a predisposition for it and it would have shown up at 14 anyway. If she had separation anxiety and stranger anxiety as a toddler, it’s possible it was always going to re-emerge during adolescence.

“How do I help her? How do I get her to talk to a stranger when she won’t even talk to me or her friend?”

The number one thing parents can do to help their child who is struggling with mental health is to educate and de-stigmatize.

If you found out your daughter had diabetes, you would learn as much information as you could and make sure she understood all the details of how her endocrine system worked. You would make sure she knew how to keep herself healthy and thriving. If she complained and said, “I don’t want to get poked.” or “I don’t want to see the doctor.” you would make it non-negotiable. You would do everything in your power to kindly but firmly, make sure she had the tools she needed to thrive.

You would do all of this, even to the point of being annoying, knowing this is an ongoing battle, a part of her experience here on earth that is outside of your control. You wouldn’t hide this truth from anyone or feel ashamed. You would be honest about the struggles and challenges, educating family members on how they can best support your daughter.

I believe in viewing anxiety and depression in a similar way. Mental health struggles are a common result of living in America’s fear based culture with modern amenities, a sedentary lifestyle and a disconnection to nature, community, spirit, and purpose. Emotions are contagious. When the people around you are angry and scared, parents are stressed, peers are insecure, and social media implies perfection is the goal, it doesn’t take much to tip the scales.

Some kids are like canaries in the coal mines, more sensitive than others. They are letting us know that the air we are breathing is toxic. A lot of the culture in America is toxic.

The first thing you can do is to help your child manage any mental health issue is educate and de-stigmatize. Talk to her pediatrician. Learn together what causes anxiety and what helps it. Help her get a diagnosis that feels right to her.

Overcoming anxiety is a marathon, not a sprint, but it is extremely treatable! 

 

Here is a list of 21 things that have been proven to help with overcoming anxiety:

Regular exercise (especially running, dancing and yoga).
Life Coach or Therapist who uses: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Exposure Therapy, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
Breath-work
Medication
Laughter
Keep a gratitude journal, thoughts and dreams journal, or self help workbooks like Anxiety Workbook for Teens, Self Compassion Workbook for Teens.
Set a goal (that your spirit yearns for) and work towards it.
Feel needed-volunteer with kids, animals, elderly, etc.
Explore your creativity - art, music, design, storytelling, cooking
Meditation and mindfulness
Sunshine and nature
Do one thing that scares you everyday (expand your comfort zone)
Write thank you notes or perform random acts of kindness.
Take steps towards making your dream a reality.
Tapping or Emotional Freedom Technique
Equine Therapy
Hypnosis
EMDR -Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing
Somatic Therapy
Energy Healing and Reiki
Using science to manage the nervous system and primitive thinking.

Got more? Post it in the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group!

 

If it were me, I would tell my daughter that God gave her anxiety for a reason and her job is to use it to help others. In order to help others, she’s going to need to help herself first.

I would present her this list like a menu and say, you can choose one or all. We are here to support your dreams no matter how big or small. If your dream is to attend high school and not feel like everyone is judging you, we will make that happen. If your dream is to live in a treehouse in Costa Rica rescuing toucans, we will support you.

Encourage your daughter to use her imagination to create WHAT SHE WANTS, rather than focusing on all the ways she is not measuring up to societal expectations.

The one thing on this list I would make mandatory is to “Do one SMALL thing everyday that scares you.”

When you avoid activities that trigger your fears, they get bigger and scarier inside your mind. I would INSIST she do something everyday that feels slightly uncomfortable, scary, and vulnerable (to her). Have her order a pizza over the phone, invite a friend to go shopping or offer to walk the neighbor’s dog. Celebrate minor victories with her until they become a habit.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way of accepting, supporting, and educating our anxious teens?

Our own anxieties!

When we see our beloved teenagers acting sullen and negative, withdrawing from society, and being scared to meet new people or take on new challenges, it triggers OUR anxiety! It’s like watching your child BLEEDING OUT! It feels urgent; like a very scary emergency situation and we need them to do something NOW so that we can feel better QUICK!

We get angry and annoyed, yelling at them to get over their ridiculous issues that make no sense!

We feel guilty and embarrassed, as though it’s our fault our child is struggling in this way and we should have done more to prevent it.

We get defensive, thinking about all the time, money, and energy we put into giving this kid the best of everything. All we want is for her to be happy and she can’t even give us that!

We get overly involved, pleading with them. “PLEASE say yes to your friend’s invitation. PLEASE join a club or a sport. I NEED you to be happy so I can relax and stop obsessing about your happiness.”

We worry. We catastrophize and futurize. “She’s never going to go to college or leave home. She won’t get her driver’s license and I’ll be stuck obsessing about her mental health for the rest of my life!"

I created a program specifically for moms who are living with a struggling teen. I call it Leading Your Teen and it’s designed to help moms learn to lead by example instead of trying to "fix" their teen.  In this coaching program, I help moms figure out when to step in, when to let go, and learn to love more but care less. We work on releasing our own fears, worries, guilt, anxiety, and frustration so that we can be the supportive, encouraging moms we want to be.

Go to www.LeadingYourTeen.com to learn more.

 

Quote of the Day:

“You don’t have to struggle in silence. You can be unsilent. You can live well with a mental health condition as long as you open up to somebody about it. It may take time but it’s worth it. You deserve to live a happy and healthy life.” Demi Lovato

How much energy do you spend trying to prove you are good?

Episode #94  is everything I wish I had known before I became a mom.

I was happy. I loved my kids and being a mom. But the anxiety, fatigue, irritability and chronic pain told me there was more going on beneath the surface that needed my attention.

As I learned more about life coaching and how powerful the mind is, I also learned I was carrying around a pissy little inner perfectionist that was constantly pointing out all my flaws. I was constantly under my own self imposed pressure to do better, work harder, and avoid failure and risk, at all costs. It was an exhausting way to live. I looked like I had my act together from the outside, but on the inside, I was spending enormous amounts energy trying to prove my goodness.

Abigail Morgan was one of my favorite life coaching teachers because she seemed to say exactly what my spirit needed to hear. My mind was looking for more ways to prove how hard working I was, but Abigail was always connecting to my spirit, encouraging me to rest, relax, quiet the inner perfectionist and listen to inner wisdom.

Abigail Morgan is a mind-body coach who helps people create well-being through her signature mind-body healing process: The Anamsong Method. She has helped people worldwide who wanted to improve their well-being, energy levels, and connection to inner wisdom. She is the founder of Mind-Body Magic Coach Training and the Slacker Magic Course.

 

This interview is for all you Supermoms who....

Have a hard work ethic and difficulty relaxing.

Are emotionally sensitive and empathic.

Have chronic pain, autoimmune problems, or any stress related illness.

Get annoyed watching your kids relax.

Work hard to do everything right.

Ignore your own fatigue and emotions, turning into an exploding doormat.

 

I highly encourage you to sign up for Abigail's FREE  7 Days of Slacker Magic and learn how to get more done by doing less.

I loved the community of other mom's putting peer pressure on each other to relax, tune into your intuition, and slack off! It was a great contrast the perfectionistic culture of 'never good enough' parenting we are surrounded by.

If you are a sensitive soul, it's imperative that you learn to take off the pressure and use inner wisdom to create what you want.