Supermom is Getting Tired

The begging and pleading is wearing me down

Episode #112 - My kid’s begging and pleading is wearing me down.

Question of the Day

My 8 year old has an unhealthy relationship with screen time and video games. He’s a great kid, very active, competitive, a math whiz and knows it. He is constantly trying to get access to video games but especially when it’s my busiest time of day. In the morning and evening, I am busy with my special needs daughter and he gets bored and starts pestering me for access. He knows the rules but he also knows I’m distracted and likely to cave if he keeps at me. I know I should set clear, consistent boundaries but he wears me down. Whenever he’s bored he starts needling me: asking, pleading, begging, sneaking, manipulating, bribing me, the kid is a relentless genius and extremely determined.

I know I’m doing everything wrong but he wears me down so much that I’m too tired and just give in. His Dad walks in the door, hardly says a word, and that kid drops his video game in a heartbeat.

It sucks to feel like you are failing at the job you’ve devoted your life to. I know I need to set boundaries and be firm but I’m just so worn down. Can you help?

 

Parent Educator Answer:

What Cady is describing in your 8-year-old sounds like a personality type that craves excitement. We tend to think our kids are motivated in the same way we are. If you are a people pleaser, we think our kids should want to please, too. If you crave peace and harmony, it can be hard to imagine someone would create conflict and drama just for the fun of it.

My first suggestion to Cady is to try and figure out what motivates her kid to push her buttons. Is he yearning for power, attention, superiority, revenge, display of inadequacy, peer acceptance, or excitement?

In this situation it sounds most like power, attention, and/or excitement.

Video games are super exciting. So is sneaking around behind mom’s back and “getting away with something.” Manipulating, pleading, and begging, are ways to create drama when life gets boring.

Does mom need to set clear, consistent boundaries? Absolutely. But the core issue here is that Cady has (inadvertently) taught her son that the cure for his boredom is to harass her into exhaustion. He is getting rewarded with a whole bunch of dopamine for pleading, begging, and pestering her. Dopamine is the reward chemical that feels so good, we keep coming back for more.

Setting firm boundaries would work (as it does for Dad) but would require energy and attention. Since she’s already exhausted, doesn’t set boundaries easily, and has her hands full taking care of her special-needs child, I don’t suggest she start with that.

Instead, let’s give the kid the excitement he’s yearning for.

It’s hard to compete with a video game and FOR SURE this mom isn’t going to be able to come up with creative, exciting ideas in the moment while she’s tired and preoccupied.

What I suggest is that she create a special jar filled with fun ideas folded up on pieces of paper. Every time her 8-year-old gets bored, she can direct him to this jar of activities.
The papers might say:
Count all the windows in the house and measure the biggest one (might as well capture his love of math and action).
Set the timer and walk on your hands for 30 seconds.
Juggle the soccer ball outside for one minute.

When he finishes his activity, he gets a reward: money, a new Pokemon card, a sticker on a chart, a sweet treat, something to feed his dopamine addiction.

This way, he is being rewarded for physical activity, competition, and perseverance towards building a skill instead of being rewarded for getting one over on mom.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What will get in her way?

Thinking that she’s supposed to be good at every aspect of parenting!

How many moms out there developed a new appreciation for teachers during the Pandemic? Not everyone is cut out to be a teacher! Just because you know stuff and have kids, does not mean that you should expect yourself to be good at educating children.

Would you expect to be able to remodel your own kitchen after reading a book or two? Why not? You’ve got tools, you’ve got brain power and knowledge. Why wouldn’t you take this task on yourself? Because you aren’t expected to by society. If you people shamed you for hiring out, called you selfish or lazy for not taking this task on yourself, you would probably believe you “should” be able to do it on your own.

You could learn to fix your own car by watching youtube videos. Are you self indulgent because you delegate this task to others? No, because society has deemed it ok. But there is way too much societal shaming if you try to delegate the parts of parenting you don’t enjoy and aren’t good at.

Why is there judgement around delegating certain aspects of parenting to more qualified people, but there isn’t any judgement when moms pay someone else to cut their hair? It’s illogical. You have a mirror and scissors at home, you’ve had this hair your whole life, shouldn’t YOU be the expert in cutting your own hair?

Let’s stop buying in to the cultural programming that says: ”I am a mom, and therefore should enjoy every aspect of parenting and be good at all of it.”

Instead, let’s start asking, “What helps my kids thrive?” and “When do I see them light up?” Start off really broad: competition, being a part of a team, having freedom to roam, using their creativity, structured routines, consistent boundaries and consequences, keeping busy with outside activities, etc.

Then ask, “What makes me the best version of myself?” “What helps me thrive?”
Time by myself to learn and explore, being in front of an audience, exercising in nature, time with friends, organizing parties and events, etc.

Then ask, “How can I facilitate a dream team of people that help my child and me thrive?” “Who can I delegate to that will bring out the best in me and my child?”

If you love cooking but hate house-cleaning, find a mom who feels the opposite and ask to swap.

If helping kids discover their creativity brings out the best in you, then don’t waste your time stuck following other people’s rules that drains your energy and enthusiasm. If you’d rather do arts and crafts with kids than drive your kids around town, find someone to swap with while you spend more time in your Zone of Genius.

The only reason we feel resistance to delegating some of these tasks like cooking, enforcing rules, teaching appropriate behavior, driving, organizing, and party planning is because we don’t see a lot of other people doing it. You wouldn’t think twice about hiring a soccer coach, piano teacher, or tutor because society has normalized those things for us.

Believing you are “failing at the job you’ve devoted your life to” can be tackled from two angles.

Recognize the areas of mothering where you shine. What are you really good at? What do other people compliment you on? Focus on your successes and let go of the idea that you are supposed to be good at every aspect of parenting.

Ask yourself, “How hard do I want to work?”

Could you learn to set firm boundaries and come up with creative alternatives to your child’s boredom while also caring for a special needs child and running the house? Sure. But it’s similar to me decidingI’m going to become a plumber. Can I learn that skill set? Sure. But it’s so misaligned with my essence, my interests, and my talents that I would have to work really hard to be happy plumbing everyday.

There’s nothing wrong with people who devote their life to their art, but if I devoted my life to art, I would feel inadequate everyday because I’d be comparing myself to people who are doing work they love. It would be joyful and effortless to them, but difficult and confusing to me.

Stay true to yourself, your talents and interests, and what makes you feel fully alive and feel the ease, joy, and success that comes from being aligned with your essence.

 

Supermom Kryptonite: The belief that it’s not ok to ask for what you want.

Many kids, girls especially, are socialized to believe they cannot ask for what they want. We all come out of the womb knowing what we want and believing we have the right to have it. If you don’t believe me, just hang out in a preschool for a week and you will see free spirits demanding, asking, insisting, and pursuing their hearts’ desires.

Somewhere during the elementary or middle school years, we stop going after what we want. We start paying attention to what our peers tell us we “should” want instead. We ignore any desires that aren’t socially acceptable. Our desires are important to us. When they get dismissed, minimized, or rejected, it’s painful. So instead of continuing to go after what we want, we decide the pain isn’t worth it and we stop asking.

This is often at the root of moms who struggle to set boundaries. They don’t think it’s ok to say, “I want you to stop jumping on the sofa right now.”

Today’s Supermom Kryptonite is not believing it’s ok to ask for what you want. Some moms will only stand up for themselves once they are past the breaking point. Some create drama or play the victim in order to justify their right to get what they want.

Start believing it’s ok to ask for what you want. Tell your kids to ask for what they want. Practice asking for what you want every day.

The act of tuning in to yourself enough to know what you want, and then believing you are worthy of having it will connect you to the best part of you. It doesn’t matter if you get it or not because there is so much magic in knowing what you want, believing you are worthy of receiving and having the courage to ask for it.

 

Supermom Power Boost: The Manual for Teens

One of the exercises I do in my Leading Your Teen class is I ask Moms to write down their “manual” for their teens. We all have this unwritten manual for “how our teens should live” and when they don’t live up to our expectations, it drives us crazy.

It’s not that we are wrong, it’s that we expect them to do it easily and without effort on our part. These subconscious expectations are the cause of a lot of frustration so it can be helpful to write them out so we know what we are dealing with.

What surprised me is how much fun it would be to read everyone else’s manuals! Somehow, seeing it written out in an instruction book creates levity around a situation that normally causes frustration.

Here are some examples from the manuals of moms in the Leading Your Teen class list

• Be an active part of the family.
  Be supportive of their siblings.
  Prioritize their mental, emotional and physical health (eating healthy, exercising, being confident, having a positive self image and growth mindset)
  Know when to take a shower.
  Be able to go into a store and buy something.
  Be able to use the home phone to call someone.
  Be able to have a conversation longer than 1 minute with their grandparents.
  Find extra-curricular activities they are interested in and pursue them with determination and passion.
  They should confide in and share their feelings with their mother.
  Not leave dirty dishes in their bedrooms.
  They should want to spend holidays and vacations with their family.
  They should let their parents take their picture once in a while.
  They should listen to their mother’s excellent advice and accept her offers to help.
  They should be happy 90% of the time.
  Be appreciative of all that they have.
  Be able to cook scrambled eggs or anything really.
  Don’t do the minimum, maximum effort is the expectation.

If we all have the expectation that teens should be nice to their parents and siblings, and we are all frustrated that they are not obeying this rule in our manual, perhaps we are wrong! Perhaps teens shouldn’t always be nice to their parents and siblings and this is just something we made up.

I will post some of these instruction manuals in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Page so you can get a boost of energy, a laugh of recognition, and a little more levity while raising your adolescent.

 

Quote of the Day:

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it’s ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Albert Einstein

Are you listening to your gut or your anxiety?

Episode #111 - What's the difference between intuition, instincts, and anxiety?

Also, How to get your reluctant teen to see a therapist.

Question of the Day: 

Dear Torie,

I think my teen has anxiety but she doesn’t know it. She’s afraid to learn to drive. She gets herself all worked up about going out with friends to dances or parties. She thinks it’s her intuition telling her that something bad is going to happen and that she needs to listen to it.

I don’t think it’s intuition, I think it’s anxiety. I remember you explaining how to tell the difference between instincts, intuition and anxiety. Can you remind me so I can explain it to her?

Also, how do you convince a resistant teenager to see a therapist or life coach?

Thanks!
Tia

Parent Educator Answer: Is it my intuition, my anxiety or just a bad burrito?

As a kid growing up, it used to bug me when people said “follow your gut” or “listen to your intuition”. I was a very literal kid so this made no sense to me. If I feel a sensation in my stomach, how am I supposed to know if this is my inner wisdom, anxiety or just a bad burrito?

When I became a mom, the talk about “mother’s intuition” really drove me nuts. I thought it was absolute B.S. My brain was in a high state of anxiety, constantly on guard, waiting for something bad to happen. I had no instincts or intuition, I wanted RULES. Concrete steps I could take to ensure nothing bad would happen to my baby.

Life coaching helped me calm down my anxiety and understand what instincts and intuition were all about. It’s important to me that people understand the difference so they don’t use it as a weapon against themselves. When we believe our anxieties are inner guidance, it adds a layer of self betrayal and robs us of our innate ability to trust ourselves.

Instincts- a natural or intuitive way of acting or thinking. An innate, typically fixed pattern of behavior in animals in response to certain stimuli.

Intuition- The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. A thing one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

Anxiety- a feeling of fear, dread or uneasiness.

Anxiety is very loud inside our heads and hard to ignore. When our imagination pictures bad things happening in the future, our bodies react as though there is a real and immediate threat.

For example, if you think about going to a party and you imagine being stuck in a loud and crowded environment, wanting to leave but not being able to, your heart rate will increase, you will start sweating, and you will have a strong desire to stay home.

If you imagine a very relaxing party environment with wonderful people who make you feel at ease, your body may go into a relaxation response. Only in a relaxed state do people have access to their intuition.

Intuition is a calm knowing that can come in as a voice in the head, a dream, a symbolic image or a feeling in the gut. Intuition has a detached quality to it. It doesn’t come from the mind, in fact, there is no thought trail.

For example, I remember a mom who was driving her 4 year old son to a pool party. On the way there, the word drowning came into her awareness. She thought, “That’s weird, I wasn’t even thinking about drowning.” She immediately dismissed it without a second thought….until an hour later when she looked over at her 4 year old struggling underwater. She got him up to safety and THEN became fascinated with understanding more about intuition.

With anxiety, you can look back in your mind and see what led you to your scary image and thought. With intuition, it comes from nowhere and is always communicated peacefully with neutral detachment.

Anxiety likes high drama. Human brains aren’t likely to worry about minor fender benders, our brains like to imagine horrible catastrophic things like driving off a bridge or killing a child in a crosswalk. Anxiety is more likely to latch on to horrific things that have a low chance of occurrence.

When my son went to sleepaway summer camp for the first time, I was CONVINCED he would be attacked by a bear. Every part of my fight/flight response was in high gear. It took a lot of effort on my part to fight against this belief and let him go anyway. There was no room to worry about more realistic problems because my anxious brain had taken over with horrific images of bear attacks. Anxiety doesn’t waste energy on minor problems like poison oak or homesickness when it can conjure up dramatic life or death scenarios.

So, in a nutshell, anxiety lies.

Intuition is a calm knowing (not thinking), that comes out of nowhere (not your brain), that is easy to talk yourself out of and has no thought trail.

Anxiety is thoughts and pictures in your mind that evoke a fear response in the body. Anxiety is hard to ignore and only goes away if you avoid the activity your brain thinks is scary. You can look back in your mind and find the thought trail.

A bad burrito is also hard to ignore, but will last the same amount of time whether you go to the party or not.

So, I think Tia is right. It sounds like her daughter has some anxiety but thinks it’s her intuition talking to her.

 

Life Coaching Answer: Convincing a resistant teen to go to therapy.

1. Make it a normal family activity.
2. Live by example.
3. Watch reality TV together.
4. Be judgmental of people who refuse to grow.
5. Make it an expected part of your teen’s future.
6. Use your calm, leadership energy. Give choices.
7. Make it a reward, not a punishment.
8. Get them to talk about their future goals.
9. Ask her if she knows anyone who talks about seeing a therapist or a life coach.

What gets in our way from following through on this list is our own Supermom tendencies!

“If I was a good mom, my daughter wouldn’t have anxiety”
“I should be able to help her with this.”
“If she’s depressed it means I have failed.”
“I’ve given her everything so she shouldn’t have these issues!”
“What does she have to be anxious about, all he does is lie around all day.”
“I figured it out, why can’t she?”
“It’s my fault, I should have been a better mom.”

These are just a few of the thoughts that can keep parents from being able to talk about therapy and coaching from a positive place. If any of these sound familiar or these

The main thing is to show your teen that you are friend, not foe. Her walls will go up if she doesn’t think you are on her side, so convincing her that you are her ally is step one.

If you find it hard to talk about therapy or coaching in a positive way, find someone to help you explore your bias and uncover any subconscious resistance.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Narrow objective focus

From the time we start school, we are taught to focus our attention on the teacher, the blackboard, the words in the book. The kids who are great at narrow focus get rewarded. They get their work done quickly, absorb information, and breeze through standardized tests. Our culture has learned to associate a narrow focus with success.

However, narrow focus also causes stress and anxiety. If you’ve ever caught yourself “doomscrolling” through your social media, going down a rabbit hole of stress, looking for bad things happening, you’ll know what I mean.

When a forest fire was threatening our home, I watched the social media reports two times a day. Checking the latest updates, texting the neighbors, and feeling the stress of a situation I had no power to control.

If you are trying to convince your teen to go to therapy from a narrow focus, it will not work. Narrow focus keeps our brains in a beta brain wave state. Great for getting things done, not great for motivating resistant teenagers. This is an emergency mode that should be used if your kid is running into oncoming traffic but not when you want them to be open minded and receptive to a new experience.

If you walk through your house with a narrow focus, your eyes will dart from one chore to another. “I’ve got to get dinner started, the clothes need to be folded, why is this family room messy again, can’t the kids pick up their stuff...” This narrow focus brain causes you stress and makes your family not want to be around you.

With the introduction of ipads into the hands of toddlers, kids are spending massive amounts of time in narrow focus before they even begin school.

I suggest parents, kids and teens, understand the value of the open focus brain and start prioritizing it’s practice.

Right now, pick an object to focus your attention on. Stare at it intensely like a predator stalking its prey. Now gently keep your gaze on that object as you become aware of the periphery of your vision. Let all the peripheral and background objects come into the foreground, focusing on everything equally. You might start to notice that your breathing slows down and you feel a little calmer than before. If we were watching your brain on an EEG machine, we might see you switching from beta to alpha brain state.

 

Supermom Power Boost - Open Focus Brain

The Open Focus Brain book by Les Fehmi and Jim Robbins teaches readers to “Harness the power of attention to heal the mind and body.”

An open focus brain shifts your awareness to the spaces in between things. It’s what artists do when they are drawing, they are paying attention to the spaces in between. It’s what basketball coaches teach their players to do. Have soft eyes, see the whole court, so you can anticipate what’s about to happen.

Having an open focus shifts your brain into alpha brain wave state. Why do so many people enjoy an expansive view, a sunset, or stargazing? Could it be that our eyes have shifted into an open focus and universally we all enjoy that brain state?

You cannot make your kids shift their gaze from narrow to open, but you can try not to interrupt when you catch them staring into space. When they get into the car after a long day of school, you might be hungry to reconnect but they might be zoning out because it’s the best possible thing for them to do after a day of focused attention. When you see your kids staring out the window, zoned out (but not into a phone which is narrow focus), consider it sacred time. Think of it as a bubble bath for the brain: healthy, restorative and therapeutic.

Let’s try another exercise to help you shift into open focus.

First, pick an object to stare at instantly with narrow focus. Listen to the most dominant sound you can hear and really pay attention to it. Let it get louder and fill your awareness. Then, release your focused gaze and tune in your peripheral vision. Diffuse your gaze, soften and stare into space. Notice all the sounds you can hear. Nearby sounds like a hum of the heater or a barking dog, as well as far away sounds like wind in the trees or freeway noise. Hold all the sounds you can hear in your awareness at the same time. Then, tune in to the silence between the sounds. Even in a very noisy environment, there is also silence. Like words written on a page, become aware of the page or the silence underneath the sounds. Hold all sounds things in your awareness at the same time.

The way we pay attention, whether narrow and rigid or soft, open, and flexible, is the biggest determiner of well-being because it shifts our brain state.

Using open focus techniques to shift into a synchronous alpha brain state will help you calm down and relax. When YOU are in a relaxed state, your kids are more able to hear what you have to say. When they pick up on your relaxed alpha brain state, it sets them up to be open to new experiences.

The benefits of open, diffused focus is that it reduces stress and makes it easier to play, rest and engage with others socially. It reduces physical pain, anxiety and depression while increasing focus, creativity and well being.

 

Quote of the Day:

“Practice following your intuition in everyday things, trusting your gut feelings moment by moment and acting on the them the best you can. As you learn to trust yourself in small matters, you will build power and confidence to build bigger risks and deal with the larger issues in your life successfully.” Shakti Gawain

A quick note to my wonderful Supermom listeners

Hello!

I tried to record my podcast this week but I have a cold and my voice could not sustain a recording without multiple coughing fits.

I am sorry to fall out of rhythm of my podcast coming out every 2 weeks but I will have to delay this one.

I am excited to answer the questions "How to get a resistant teen to go to therapy?" and  "How can I tell the difference between anxiety, gut instincts and intuition?" Tune in next week to hear the answers in episode #111.

Do you have a question for me to answer on the podcast? Leave me a voice recording at www.lifecoachingforparents.com/contact 

Until next time, stay healthy!

Torie Henderson

 

Feeling guilty being away from my kid

Episode #110 - Feeling Guilty Being Away from my Kid

 

Question of the Day:

"I’m sick of feeling guilty all the time. When I’m at work, I feel guilty for not being at home. When I’m at home, I feel guilty for not working.

My four year old has started crying and clinging to my leg when I try to leave and it’s breaking my heart. I’m exhausted and secretly dream about taking a weekend to myself like you described in episode 72 “I need a break from mothering”.

I’m sure life coaching would help me become a better mother but I feel guilty spending time and money on myself. How do I stop feeling guilty?"

Kelly

Parent Educator Answer: 

Guilt is an emotion whose purpose is to motivate us to right wrongs. You say something mean, you feel guilty, you apologize and ask for forgiveness. The emotion is so uncomfortable that you curb your behavior. You don’t say those mean words anymore and your relationship stabilizes. 

 

The problem with guilt is an unmanaged mind will often turn it into shame. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I AM wrong.”  

 

Shame is an emotion whose purpose is also to motivate us. It comes from erroneous beliefs about feeling inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, or not enough. If we think, “I’m not a good mom” we may try harder to be present and patient with our kids but most of us do not change our belief to “I’m such a good mom” after an hour of patient, present parenting. We just dress up the shame in a different outfit. Instead of “I’m not a good mom”, we go to “I’m not working hard enough” or “I’m not a good enough employee, money manager, housekeeper, cook, wife, friend, daughter-in-law” etc.

 

It sounds like what Kelly is dealing with is this insidious inadequacy, where no matter how much time she spends at work or at home, she never gets to hear the wonderful words: ou are enough.

 

Before letting go of guilt, ask yourself, “is this guilt productive?” Meaning...“Is there any immediate action step I can take to remedy this situation?Is there anyone I can apologize to and ask for forgiveness?” If not, we can work on letting it go. 

 

Our brains need to be reminded that most guilt is unnecessary and unhelpful. Guilt that does not lead to an apology or productive action is a waste of emotional energy. 

 

Somehow we got the idea that feeling guilty means we care. It is true that highly empathic people tend to have more guilt, but holding on to guilt does not make us better people. Guilt is there to right wrongs; to draw our attention to ways we may have hurt someone so we can preserve our relationships. 

 

I believe guilt takes away from our ability to be excellent parents. Guilt disrupts our sleep, drains our energy, and takes us away from us enjoying the present moment. 

 

Here are 5 "Golden Stars" that help kids thrive and moms feel good about their parenting: 

1. Being emotionally present when with your children. (Your mind and body are in the same place at the same time.)
2. Providing comfort, stability, and reassurance. 
3. Being attuned to your child’s feelings.
4. Having your eyes light up when your child walks in the room. Expressing delight. 
5. Supporting your child’s goals, dreams and ambitions. 

 

Do you know how hard it is to do these 5 things when you feel guilty?

How about when you are exhausted from being with your child all day?

 

Think about the longest you’ve ever been away from your child. Remember how you acted when you finally got to reunite with them. My guess is, you were present. You blocked everything else out and gave your full attention to your child. You were probably attuned to their emotions, offering comfort and support where needed. I am SURE your eyes lit up with delight when you finally got to be with your child again. 

 

Stop listening to the cultural voices saying, “A good mom should stay with her kid all day, everyday, no matter how hard it is for her to do so.” or “It’s a shame you have to work, you must miss your child.” 

 

Instead, make the 5 golden stars your GOAL. Ask yourself, “What do I need in order to achieve these 5 golden stars?” 

 

Everyone’s answers will differ. Kelly might figure out that what she needs most is rest or permission to take a break. Maybe she needs life coaching or therapy to teach her how to stop putting so much pressure on herself. Maybe she needs a wonderful babysitter or nanny to help her feel confident her daughter is in good hands. Maybe she needs to go for a run or take a yoga class before transitioning to her second job as mom. 

 

Instead of creating a one-size-fits-all formula for how to be a good mom (and judging other moms when they make different choices), let’s recognize that we all have different paths to achieve the same goal: peaceful and present parenting that brings out the best in us. 

 

Life Coaching Answer:

What gets in the way of our taking the necessary steps towards peaceful & present parenting? GUILT OVER LETTING GO OF GUILT !!! 

 

I just had a free discovery call with a mom who has been listening to me for 20 YEARS! She finally scheduled a free call with me and discovered how much life coaching could help her, but she felt overwhelmed with the idea of spending time and money on her own personal growth. She felt guilty about letting go of guilt! 

 

What gets in our way from letting go of guilt, is our desire to FEEL GOOD FIRST before taking new action. We think, “I’ll just try harder, work more, suck it up.” Or we think, “I’ll just wait” or “I can figure this out on my own.” 

We TRY to take different action without changing the beliefs that got us stuck in this situation in the first place. This can work, but it’s A LOT harder and the changes rarely stick. 

 

Life coaching works on changing the belief system that drives the behavior. This makes change MUCH easier and more long-lasting. 

 

It may seem like Kelly having to leave her 4-year-old clinging and crying is the cause of her guilt but the real culprit is what she is making it mean about HER. I don’t know what the thought is, I’m just speculating, but I’m guessing it’s something like “I’m not doing enough.” 

 

When you think and believe this thought, “I am not doing enough,” it FEELS TRUE so we don’t think to question it. We look at our unending to-do list, Pinterest and Instagram, all the things we forgot and balls we dropped and suddenly have tons of evidence to prove it true, “I am not doing enough.” 

 

What we focus on expands. When we focus on all the things left undone, it feels monumental. We feel small and inadequate because we are thinking about all the ways we are not measuring up. 

 

Telling yourself, “I am worthy of rest” or “I have done enough” will not work. She has repeated the opposite so many times and collected so much evidence to the contrary that she wouldn’t believe it. The way to overcome guilt is to QUESTION the belief that is causing it. 

 

Think about an area you feel guilty for not measuring up. Maybe you go on social media and think, “I could be prettier, fitter, or more creative or ambitious.” “I could be a better mom, housekeeper, saver, employee.” Pick one area of inadequacy and hold it as we start to question the belief, “I’m not doing enough.”

 

Are you absolutely sure this thought is true that, “I am not doing enough?” If there was another working mom who felt guilty about being away from her child all day, would you tell her she isn’t doing enough? Why not? 

 

If your daughter grows up and becomes a working mom will you tell her “She’s not doing enough?” Why or why not? 

 

Who determines how much is enough? If you work 13 hours a day, is that enough? How will you know when you’ve reached the magical state of enoughness?

Exactly how many hours of self sacrifice does it take to make you a good person? 

What is the thought, “I’m not doing enough” costing you? 

Can you imagine who you would be without this thought? 

Is it possible you have always been enough and you just didn’t know it? Did you just pick up what advertisers were trying to sell you though none of it was true? Why would you want to believe you aren’t doing enough?

How would it feel to truly believe that you are doing enough? What does enoughness feel like as an emotion in the body? 

 

If you want to be the mom who meets these 5 golden stars, you’ve got to surrender to a process of undoing guilt. I can give you all my tips and tricks, but these beliefs are so subconscious that it’s nearly impossible to coach yourself on them. 

 

The only way I know how to let go of guilt is with another qualified person. Whether that is with a  therapist, life coach, priest, EFT practitioner, or a friend who knows how to say the right things at the right time, having a compassionate witness to your guilt is the most important requirement in letting it go. 

Supermom Kryptonite - Beating yourself up for beating yourself up

When Supermoms first come to life coaching, they are astounded at how much better they can feel in such a short period of time. They get so excited about their new tools and the power they have to make changes. They feel so free and start implementing new habits like journaling and self-coaching. 

Inevitably, these mommas find new ways to beat themselves up. They start feeling guilty for feeling guilty. They berate themselves for berating themselves. The same old inadequacies show up wearing a new outfit. That’s why my Supermom is Getting Tired coaching program is 12 weeks long. I like having enough time for this to happen so we can recognize this insidious little beast when it shows up.

 

Supermom Power Boost - Make a commitment to build momentum

I loved this Supermom who had been thinking about life coaching for 20 years. She was so genuine and self aware, so devoted to her children. She said, “I would spend this money on my children in a heartbeat but for me, I just can’t.” It was too big of a leap for her. I do hope she doesn’t wait another 20 years before calling again, but before I let her get off the phone, I asked her to make a commitment. 

Scheduling her free call felt scary but she did it anyway. I didn’t want her to retreat back into her comfort zone of safety. I wanted her to stay scared and feel vulnerable outside her comfort zone so she could get used to it. I asked her to make a commitment toward some kind of forward momentum. 

Signing up for life coaching is obviously a big step in a positive direction. You are surrendering to a process and trusting it will work. There are other ways to build forward momentum, get unstuck, and prove to yourself that positive changes are happening. 

 

Here are some suggestions of commitments you can make, just make sure you do it out loud so others can hold you accountable. 

• Tell your family you want life coaching as a Christmas present.
• Put a deposit down or pre-pay for a “momcation”.
• Pick a date on the calendar for a “do whatever I feel like doing” day. 
• Schedule a free life coaching call at www.lifecoachingforparents.com/work-with-me
• Sign up for a class: art, meditation, exercise, life coaching, whatever helps you move closer to being the mom you want to be. 

 

Pay attention to the things that bring you closer to the 5 golden stars 

• Being emotionally present when with your children. Your mind and body are in the same place at the same time. 

• Providing comfort, stability and reassurance. 

• Being attuned to your child’s feelings.

• Having your eyes light up when your child walks in the room. Expressing delight. 

• Supporting your child’s goals, dreams and ambitions. 

 

Quote of the Day:

“Guilt can either hold you back from growing or it can show you what you need to shift in your life.” Unknown

Choosing a college major

Dear Torie, 

How is my son supposed to choose a major?  He is applying to colleges, some of which won’t let him change his mind if he applies under a certain major. He’s stressing out which is making me stress out! How the heck is he supposed to know what he wants to do for the rest of his life when he has had so few life experiences? It seems ridiculous to ask this of a 17 year old and I feel unsure how to guide him. It seems silly to hire a life coach for this but I’m wondering if it’s a good idea. 

Kim

 

Parent Educator Answer: How to choose a major

The biggest mistake we make is asking kids to get too specific too soon. I don’t mind the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” It can give you a ton of insight if you follow it up with WHY? What about that appeals to you?

Let’s imagine your kid says, “I want to be a video game designer.” If you ask WHY, you’ll get more general information. Do they like the artistic/creative elements? Do they like being in community with other gamers? Do they like the idea of working from home? 

We can help our kids figure out a major by asking questions and making observations. 

We are all born with skills, talents, interests, and proclivities. I believe our job is to figure out what we love to do, and go do it. Each of us has been imprinted with certain likes and dislikes, and with every class we take and life experience we have, we get a little closer to knowing ourselves.

Finding the right career path is like the game of You are Getting Warmer. I love playing this game in workshops where we'd hide a small object (that represents her future), somewhere in the room. I would take one person out of the room, while the others chose where to hide the object. Once hidden and everyone had taken their seat, II'd bring her back in the room and stand her in the middle of the circle. All the girls watched to see how she would go about finding her future. 

How you do one thing, is how you do everything. The way you play the simple game of You are Getting Warmer is the same way you approach choosing a major, a university, or a career path. 

It was fascinating to watch all the different ways to approach this game. Some girls would just stand there saying “I don’t know where to start.” They wanted to KNOW the RIGHT PATH before taking a step in ANY direction.They were afraid of making a mistake. I would ask questions like, “Where in your real life does the fear of making the wrong choice get in your way?”  

The girls only got "warmer" or "colder" clues if they asked for it. Some NEVER looked to us for clues, they wanted to figure it out on their own with no input. Others wanted feedback with every step, constantly looking for reassurance they were on the right track. Some bulldozed through my living room, upturning couch cushions and moving people and obstacles out of their way. 

Some went in with a plan, others did great until they met with a human obstacle. I liked hiding it in places that forced them to interact and ask for help. Many of the girls would give up rather than ask someone to move out of the way. 

Choosing your major is just like this game. You cannot know unless you take a step in some direction. But every experience you have is giving you clues to what feels “warmer” or “colder” to you. We can help our kids tune into these important clues by asking them questions. 

1. What feels warmer: online learning or in person learning?
2. What did the Pandemic teach you that you never want again?
3. What did the Pandemic teach you that you liked and want more of? 
4. What is something you enjoy “practicing” even if no one asked you to? 
5. When your teacher assigns a project or essay, do you prefer detailed instructions or very little guidance?
6. What’s your favorite books? TV shows? Youtube channels? Movies? Video games? 
7. What kinds of activities did your teen enjoy between the ages of 6-12? How would they spend their free time? 
8. What did your child get in trouble for in school? Talking? Running? Not paying attention? What did teachers say about them at conferences? 

 

There are MANY WAYS to help our teens understand themselves and choose a major as long as we don’t get too specific too soon: Indoors or Outdoors? Sitting or Moving? Teaching or Learning? Talking or Reading?

If I were coaching your teen, the things I’d want to discover are, their play personality, their Myers-Briggs Type Indicator profile, and their Sparktype. Self awareness is one of the most valuable skill sets kids can develop to navigate the wild and uncertain future. Personality quizzes are valuable tools to help us understand ourselves but these 3 are the easiest to spot in kids.

I have talked about play personality in the past. The book called Play by Dr. Stuart Brown helped me understand the different activities people engage in that make life more fun. Choosing work that feels like play, is the surest way to enjoy your future career. If you are a competitive creator you won’t be happy in a job where you have to uphold rules all day. I’m an explorer / director so I created this job of coaching and teaching where I can create positive experiences for people while helping them understand themselves at a deeper level.

The 8 play personalities Dr. Stuart names are: explorer, director, kinesthete, creator, collector, competitor, storyteller, joker.

The MBTI is another great personality assessment helping us understand who we are and how we best operate. The book Nurture by Nature, can help parents identify their kid’s personality types from a very young age, up until adolescence. The quiz is written for adults so I don't recommend that but I love the book and the parenting tips they give based on your child's personality type. 

If you are an introvert, working as a school principal will wear you out. If you dwell in your 5 senses, more than your intuition, you may struggle as an entrepreneur or in an environment where you are asked to “figure things out on your own” and “trust your gut”. 

Understanding your personality type can help you choose a career path you can be happy with. 

My latest obsession that I find super valuable in helping clients understand themselves is a new book and personality assessment called Sparketype. Jonathan Fields at The Good Life Project wrote a book to summarize what I would call “Archetypes” but he calls Sparketype: Discover Your Unique Imprint for Work that Makes You Come Alive 

I was talking with my teenage niece the other day, and she mentioned she is interested in becoming a chiropractor. When I asked WHY, she told me about the role her chiropractor has played in her life. How she’s always there for her when she gets stressed and tense. She’s kind, wise and helpful. She loves going to see her, always feels better after. There are many reasons to become a chiropractor but what I heard is that my niece identifies with the Sage sparketype. She wants to play this role of wise advisor, coach, mentor, in other people’s lives. Once you know your Sparketype, the role you need to play in order to feel alive, then you can choose your favorite arena. Turns out my niece is not interested in body mechanics, science, medicine or human biology. She would have been miserable studying these subjects in college! 

 

The different Sparketypes are: The Maker, The Scientist, The Sage, The Advisor, The Maven, The Essentialist, The Performer, The Warrior, The Advocate, The Nurturer. 

 

I’ll include the link to the quiz but it’s geared towards adults who have been in the workforce. Take the quiz for yourself but check out the book to help your teen and learn about the different Sparketypes. 

 

So the answer to your question, Kim is YES, hiring a life coach to help your teen choose a major is a great idea. Hiring a life coach would save you time, money and future regret. If you are interested and find this as fascinating as I do, I've given you some places to start. But if you don't want to spend thousands of hours and dollars learning, then a life coach can save you time, money and stress.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from teens figuring out what to major in? Societal Pressures! 

What gets in the way of teenagers knowing themselves enough to choose a major is the pressure to pick the perfect thing. The world is changing super fast. Many of the jobs today’s kindergarteners will have haven’t even been invented yet! The only constant we can count on is change. 

The best thing we can do is to help our teens develop the skills of navigating uncertainty. These important skills are  self awareness, flexibility, and trusting yourself to rise to any future scenario.

 

When teens think “The school and major I choose are super important” and “I have to like this for the rest of my life” it puts on a lot of unnecessary pressure. If they don’t like their choice, they can change schools halfway through. If they can’t find a job in their major, they can still find a job in their Sparketype. 

 

Don’t worry about “The major I really want to study won’t make me any money.” We always find excuses to avoid things that make us feel vulnerable and being your true, authentic self always feels scary. Choose the major that gets you excited to get out of bed in the morning. There are many ways to earn income so don’t let that be your reason to not follow your dreams.

Be wary of societal trends or pressures.

Tim went to medical school when the trend was shifting towards primary care doctors. “All the future jobs are in general medicine” he was told. So he followed the trend and spent 7 years diagnosing ear infections and runny noses. If he had paid attention to his personality type instead, he would have known he was a specialist, not a generalist. He LOVED being the expert in the room. He loved going an inch wide and a mile deep on a subject. Every really interesting case that came into his office, he had to refer out. His boredom finally got the best of him and he went back to school to become a pediatric anesthesiologist. He learned to be true to himself, to be nimble and flexible, and follow what felt good to him, no matter what society said. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite: The Talent Trap

When I was preparing for my first teaching job, my mom, an experienced teacher, gave me the unusual advice: “Don’t be too good.” She had seen it happen too many times where the best performers or the hardest workers often got asked to be on the most committees, review the latest curriculum, chair the boards, and volunteer too much extra time outside the classroom. 

(As a fellow people-pleaser, I suppose “don’t be too good” was the best advice she had because “Say no to things that don’t spark joy” wasn’t in her vocabulary.)

But the talent trap is real! If you are really good at a lot of things and you like school and learning, it can be hard to choose a major. Most people love being recognized for their skills and talents. This ego boost can get in the way of knowing whether we really like something because we all enjoy being good at things and getting recognized for it. 

I've coached a many clients who got stuck in the "Ivy League Talent Trap". Feeling pressured to perform at a high level when they really just want to bake brownies and coach little league.

If you find yourself good at a lot of things, ask yourself questions like

“What would I do if I could not care what people thought?”

“What is so fun that I’d do it even if failure was inevitable?”

“What do I do for fun in my spare time when no one is watching?”

The game of “You are Getting Warmer” never ends because we are always evolving. What felt warm to you two years ago, may not be the same as it is today. When you learn what to pay attention to and focus on self awareness, flexibility, and trusting your future self, you will have what you need to navigate this wild new world we are living in

 

Supermom Power Boost: Let yourself off the hook. 

It’s too much to expect yourself to be able to guide your children towards a successful future when you don’t know what the future will bring!  We have blind spots when it comes to our kids. If you think, "He's just like me, or my brother, or my mom." it blocks us from seeing our kids as they are. We remember how they were when they were younger, which can block us from seeing who they are evolving into as adolescents. We have our own hopes, fears and biases that help us see only what we want to see in our kids. 

Parents may not be the best mentors for their kid's futures because they have so many biases and blind spots.

It took me 15 years of learning and practice, thousands of dollars in coaching programs and books to help  people discover their essence, and I'm sure I still have biases when it comes to my own kids. 

Instead of being the person with all the answers, be a living example of listening to your inner guidance. Talk out loud about YOUR game of “You are Getting Warmer” that you are playing in your life. Do you notice that walking the dog feels warmer than going to the gym? Is working from home warmer than going to the office? 

Take the Sparketype Quiz and make sure you are doing work that makes you feel alive. Understand your play personalities and adjust your life to make your work feel like play. Honor your Myers Briggs Personality Profile rather than telling yourself you should be someone you aren’t. 

Don’t guide, model. (Unless your Sparketype is a Sage then find more people to guide than just your own kids!) 

 

Quote of the Day: “When you align your actions with your essence, you become a beacon that amplifies your presence.”  Jonathan Fields

Annoyed and Irritated? Why that‘s important

Episode #108 - Use Your Anger to Get What You Want

 

Dear Torie, 

So….my pre-teen just pointed out that every time I have to drive him somewhere, I act annoyed. (which annoyed me). My teenager piggy backed on that saying I’m ALWAYS mad and yelling at her to pick up her things and do her chores. (which irritated me). My partner joined in saying he can’t remember the last time he and I had fun together (which TOTALLY pissed me off!). What is happening to me? Am I developing anger issues? 

The last few days I started observing every time I felt angry. I’m mad at other drivers who don’t drive more carefully around schools. I’m mad at the poor job our school is doing to accommodate my child’s learning disability. I’m mad that I have to work full time and have a full time messy house. 

I don’t think of myself as an angry person. If anything, I’m too nice and a bit of a pushover. Where do I go from here? 

Angelica

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

 

First, let me say it sucks when your family gangs up on you. That is not nice and I’m sorry you got called out in that way. 

 

Second, let’s talk about where NOT to go from here. 

 

Do not go from anger to guilt and shame. It’s tempting, but this is what keeps you stuck in the “exploding doormat” cycle. We turn into “exploding doormats” when we feel bad for yelling and being short or snappy, this guilt causes us to abandon our boundaries, cater to our kids desires. Ignoring our own desires and being overly accommodating, ignites our anger, (naturally and appropriately) which makes us snappy, continuing the cycle.

 

This repression of anger does not help us learn the lessons anger is trying to teach us. Most women are taught to swallow their anger, keep it inside, and not express it. 

 

Some women learned to express anger in a way that violates other people’s boundaries. Yelling, blaming, cursing, name calling, are all unhealthy ways we have witnessed others express anger. 

 

Anger has a purpose. It is here to help us identify injustices and give us the strength to right wrongs and set firm boundaries. 

 

Rather than suppressing or expressing anger, we want to USE IT. 

 

Feel around in your body and mind for any anger you are carrying around with you. Look for anything that says, “It’s not fair.” 

 

In the past, my anger, resentment, and bitterness mostly showed towards my husband. I raged against our unequal division of labor. 

 

The first step in turning rage into the fuel required to make change is compassion. This anger isn’t to be ignored or tolerated, it’s HEALTHY. Your anger is important! As you give it the reverence it deserves, you allow it to turn from suppression, to curiosity, to the strength you need to set healthy boundaries.

 

Ask yourself, “What do I need that I’m not getting?” 

 

If your answer is “I need my daughter to do her chores”, go broader. Get less specific and more general. Take a deep breath and ask again with compassion, “What do I need that I’m not getting?” 

 

Listen for an answer from your HIGHER SELF. It may communicate in a one word answer: Support. Kindness. Respect. Justice. A break. 

 

Then ask yourself, “What am I experiencing that feels unbearable?” 

 

A lot of my Supermom clients are surprised at the answer their higher self gives them. While the critical, chatty left brain will give long-winded answers about all the changes that need to be made, the quiet wisdom of the right brain often lets them know that it’s loneliness, disconnection, and overwhelm that feels unbearable. 

 

When I was raging against the inequity of household responsibilities, and asked myself “What do I need that I’m not getting?” The answer was rest. I was driving myself so hard trying to PROVE that I was doing ALL THE WORK, I wouldn’t allow myself any leisure time. I felt guilty taking a break in the middle of the day. I couldn’t allow myself to spend time or money doing things I enjoyed. Having compassion for my anger helped me channel it into releasing the guilt and pressure I was putting on myself. I used my anger to override my inner drill sergeant and started having more fun. 

 

When I asked myself, “What am I experiencing that feels unbearable?” The answer was all the mental arguing I was doing trying to get my husband to change his ways. I took the blame off of him, and put 100% responsibility for how I was feeling on ME. This empowered me so much! I felt so free! I started learning more about what it’s like to be married to a rebel personality type with ADHD. Reading books and watching videos of other people in similar situations, gave me the support and compassion I struggled to give myself. 

 

I no longer waited for some imaginary permission slip to let me do what I wanted. I started taking weekends by myself, signing up for coaching programs, and doing things that brought me joy. The more I filled up my tank and prioritized how I felt, the less resentment I felt towards others. I didn’t change the amount of work I did, just my thoughts around it.  

 

 

Life Coaching Answer:  What gets in the way from using anger to fuel appropriate action? 

 

Let’s take your example “I’m mad at the poor job our school is doing to accommodate my child’s learning disability.”

 

When you ask yourself the question, “What do I need that I’m not getting?” Your higher self might answer, “an explanation” or “a teacher who gets it” or “someone else to manage his academic progress”. 

 

When you ask, “What am I experiencing that feels unbearable?” 

You might get an answer like “going it alone” or “watching him struggle”. 

 

Your next step might illuminate itself. It may become very clear what you need to do. But in order to take an action step like advocate for your child, ask for a new teacher, interview and hire a tutor to help or switch schools, it involves going against social programming. 

 

We’ve been taught to play nice, keep quiet and swallow anger. To stand up to injustice or advocate for ourselves or others, we have to believe we are worthy of getting what we want. 

 

Taking action to right wrongs means we have to defy cultural norms. This brings up A LOT of fear! Many people would rather stay stuck in anger than have to feel scared, vulnerable, valuable and worthy! 

 

In order for me to check into a hotel by myself for the weekend, I had to go against my cultural programming that self care is selfish, a mother’s place is in the home, and it’s better to give than to receive.

 

In order for me to advocate for my stressed out kids and tell the teacher: “I’m taking my kid off homework for the rest of the year.” I had to go against my programming that said good girls obey authority and follow rules.

 

In order for you to release the anger, you’re going to have to feel the fear and vulnerability that goes along with defying cultural programming. 

 

The best way to do this is in a group setting with other people who share the cultural values you are wanting to adopt. I cannot think of a better way to do this than a group coaching program. 

 

My group coaching program shares the belief that when we pursue things that make us feel peaceful, alive and free, we not only create a life we love, but we inspire our families and communities to do the same. When we focus on “filling up our love tank,” we inadvertently and without effort give courage to others to believe in themselves and their inherent worth. 

 

Supermom Kryptontie - Defensive Teenagers 

 

Because of functional MRI machines, the last few decades have given us huge insights into the minds of teenagers. 

 

You mentioned that your teenager accuses you of “always being mad and yelling” which is not a fun thing to hear. Anger is a natural response when someone accuses us of something negative AND untrue! (No one is ALWAYS yelling). 

 

Researchers showed pictures of facial expressions emoting anger, fear, surprise, shock, and neutral (no expression) to adults and teens during an fMRI. The adults were able to correctly identify the emotion with activity in their logical frontal lobes. The teenagers, however, interpreted them all as anger, using the reactive amygdala to decipher the emotional expression. 

 

This explains why teenagers can think we are “angry and yelling” even when we have a neutral expression. Teens overreact and get defensive because they are interpreting the expressions of peers, teachers, and parents from the emotional amygdala.  

 

With age and further development of the frontal lobes, their defensive reactions will calm down and they will be able to see a wider range of emotional expression without thinking everyone is mad at them.

 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Healthy anger

It’s hard to know what healthy anger looks like. 

Usually, we see anger expressed in unhealthy ways: 

1. Expressing it verbally and physically, blaming others and violating other people’s boundaries and sense of safety.
2. We see it expressed passive-aggressively, with sarcasm, snide comments, control, ignorance, forgetfulness, ghosting, exclusion, and omission. This can be “the silent treatment”, “backhanded compliment” or a “bless her heart” fake smile. 
3. Suppression and denial. We say we aren’t mad but it leaks out other places: road rage, overeating, overdrinking, overworking, blaming ourselves, etc. 

 

The reason it’s hard to SEE healthy anger in action is because it often turns to love. 

I may join a march for justice, not because I’m angry, but because I love the people. 

Angelica might happily drive her son around because she loves him and his passion for social activities.

She may advocate for educational resources because she loves the local school. 

She might change schools because she loves the support of teachers who understand learning differences. 

 

To help your rage turn into love, ask yourself this question: “What would make my anger go away?” 

I used to get REALLY mad at people who made racial slurs. So angry that it was hard for me to articulate and advocate in a way I was proud of. When I asked myself this question, “What would make my anger go away?” I learned I needed to forgive myself for a racist slur I made when I was 9 years old that caused my friend to cry. Once I made peace with the past and forgave myself, I was able to turn my anger into love. 

Maybe what would help Angelica’s anger go away is to spend less time with an angsty teenager and more time having fun with her husband.

Maybe she needs a coalition of other parents at the school fighting the same cause. 

Or maybe a few more please’s and thank you’s would make all the difference. 

 

Then ask yourself: “How can I find peace if nothing ever changes?” 

 

I used this one a lot when I would rage against the TV news. Hearing about all the crap happening all over the world, would send me down an angry, powerless spiral. Once I accepted that our world will never be perfect, life got easier. From the beginning of time, there has been violence, injustice, poverty and cruelty. Accepting that this is not heaven on Earth and these elements may always exist gave me my power back. It turned my anger into fuel to act upon change I believed in. 

 

This is a life changing question. Ask it every time you hear yourself say, “It’s not fair!” and watch your anger turn to love. 

 

Quote of the Day: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” Maryann Williamson

I can‘t get anything done!

Episode #107 - I can’t get anything done! 

Question of the Day: 

I am thrilled that school is back in session —really I am—but I am gobsmacked at how little time I have for myself. I’ve been holding my breath waiting for all my kids to be in school at the same time so I could finally get a moment of peace. Now that it’s here, I feel trapped and overwhelmed by the schedule and everything on my to-do list.

Mornings are 100% about getting the kids out the door. There is no time for me unless I get up ridiculously early, and that feels like torture. Afternoons are complete chaos, trying to juggle carpooling, homework, and after school activities. I need to get dinner on the table all by myself while my attention gets pulled in a million directions.

While the kids are at school, I really should be exercising because it helps my stress level but how can I prioritize myself when there are so many other demands on my time? 

By the time the kids are in bed, I’m too exhausted to do anything. I’m so frustrated that this is my life and I can’t see any way out. 

Monique

P.S. My husband is a firefighter so he’s gone for extended periods of time. With fire season, it’s not like he’s off vacationing, but he’s so tired and out of sync with our routines that he is no help even when he’s home. 

Parent Educator Answer:

Can you hear what emotion Monique is in? Notice the energy with which she wrote this. Overwhelmed. Powerless. Trapped. Exhausted. 

Usually, I would start by giving you some tips and tricks to help you solve your problem. A good time management tip is to make a list of activities that require no brain power that you can do while distracted like laundry and dishes. Only do these activities when your kids are around. Save the activities that require your attention, like writing emails or trying a new recipe, until you have time for yourself. 

But any suggestions I give are just going to make her awful, when she already feels awful. 

When we are feeling this overwhelmed and exhausted, venting to a compassionate witness is the best medicine. My guess is that Monique felt a reprieve just by putting her words into an email. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way from getting what she wants? 

 

Can you imagine there is another mom out there with the same schedule and routine who doesn’t feel this way? 

Maybe there is a mom who feels busy and needed, but also valued and purposeful. Or maybe there’s a mom out there who feels guilty and ashamed for not getting more done in a day—she goes through her day quietly feeling like a failure. Maybe there’s a mom who doesn’t notice how much she accomplishes in a day—she doesn’t measure her worthiness by how much she gets done but cares more about how she looks.

So many times we look to other moms as evidence to prove that we aren’t good enough or we aren’t doing it right. I want you to look to other moms as examples of our flexible brains and how powerful our thoughts are. 

The reason Monique is feeling powerless is because of the words she is using. The words we use dictate how we feel. Words have power. 

When we use words like “I CAN’T get anything done” or “I SHOULD be exercising” or “I NEED to get dinner on the table”  It creates a helpless and powerless feeling in the body. We feel trapped. We can’t see any way out. Helplessness is one of the worst things for the human psyche. All humans have an innate desire to feel free.

Monique feels “trapped by the schedule” and “overwhelmed by the to-do list” as though they have more power than she does. The way she words“There’s no time for me”and “This is my life” as though she’s just reporting factual details, is going to give anyone the exact feelings she reports feeling. 

Notice how you feel when you think the thought “I am tired.” Tired, right? 

How about “I’m overwhelmed.” When I think it, my brain starts looking for all the things I have going on.

The “I am” statement is extremely powerful. Whatever follows those two words, you are guaranteed to experience. 

Our bodies don’t like when we lie. I wouldn’t suggest Monique saying “I am fully rested and happy to be here,” but she could ease into some softer “I am” statements with “I am tired but that’s ok.” “I am managing a busy schedule” to give her some more peace. 

 

The good news is that all this is fixable. She’s a perfect candidate for the Supermom is Getting Tired coaching program because she would feel SO MUCH BETTER at the end of the 12 weeks! 

 

The most important thing for Monique is recognizing that she is creating her negative emotions. She has more power than she realizes to change. Not in an “I’m not doing it right” way, (watch out for this inner demon who prevents you from making changes) but by thinking “There is a skill set I can learn that will dramatically improve my life.” 

 

The second thing Monique can do is to stop using the words “I CAN’T” “I HAVE TO” “I NEED TO” and “I SHOULD”. These words all create a feeling of helplessness and keep us feeling like prisoners with our children, house, and to-do list as our prison guards. 

To set yourself free from this mental prison, focus on what you want instead. 

“I want to feel calm.”  “I want to pick my kids up at school.” “I want to feed my family.”

If those don’t feel true, then switch to “I will” or “I intend to”. Remind yourself (daily), that you can do whatever you want to do. 

You don’t have to pick the kids up at school. You could go to the movies by yourself and make them wait for you or walk home. 

You don’t have to feed them dinner. You could listen to them complain or let them eat cereal for dinner. You might CHOOSE to feed them because you don’t like the alternative, but that freedom is yours for the taking. 

You don’t have to drive the soccer practice carpool. You might choose to because you want to do your part and you like seeing your daughter happy and sweaty afterwards. 

You don’t have to do laundry. Your kids can wear dirty stinky clothes and probably won’t even mind. You want to do laundry because you don’t want to be embarrassed.

 

We are always free. We are born free and die free. Even when we have three little monsters demanding food, time, and attention, we could walk out that door and never come back. We choose not to, because we love those little monsters. 

Supermom Kryptonite - Fighting for Freedom with Negative Liberty

 

You cannot turn on the news these days without someone shouting, “They are trying to take away my freedom!” I’ve been talking about the FEELING of freedom that is really important for our spirits. To live our best life, we need to believe we are free to do whatever we want. If not, we get stuck in fear. 

 

When people shout about politics “taking away freedom” they are talking about civil rights or civil liberties, “The rights of citizens to political and social freedom and equality.”  I don’t want to minimize this important distinction by saying you can feel free whenever you want. 

 

These are arguments of people “fighting for freedom”. See if you can guess what they are arguing for. 

(Mask wearing) “Requiring someone to wear something or do something is an overreach of governmental power”

(pro-choice) “Every human being has a right to own their own body and should be able to decide what to do with their body.”

(carry concealed weapons) “THIS issue is fundamental and essential to maintaining liberty as are the rights of free speech, free press, freedom of religion and other encroachments on liberty.”

(anti-vaxxers) “We are for medical freedom and body autonomy. Our bodies are ours, not for someone else to govern. We are fighting for our freedom.”

(euthanasia)  “We have the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Doctors should not be allowed to decide who lives and who dies.”

 

Let’s use the recent Texas court decision to ban all abortions after 6 weeks of pregnancy as an example. 

Women in Texas can still FEEL free by thinking “I still have choices. I can go to another state to have an abortion. I can take the morning after pill or find a “back-alley coat-hanger clinic” to do the job.” Texas has ruled to remove civil rights for half their population. Now making it one of the least free states in our country. 

 

There is actually something called the Human Freedom Index: A Global Measurement of Personal, Civil and Economic Freedom. In a very long and well researched academic report, the authors ranked countries in freedom and civil liberties, from highest to lowest. 

Which freedoms are considered in this Index? • Rule of Law • Security and Safety • Movement • Religion • Association, Assembly, and Civil Society • Expression and Information • Identity and Relationships • Size of Government • Legal System and Property Rights • Access to Sound Money • Freedom to Trade Internationally • Regulation of Credit, Labor, and Business.

 

Unsurprisingly, the top 10 countries that rank highest on happiness ratings, also ranked highest on the freedom index: Finland, Switzerland, New Zealand, Norway, Austria, Denmark, Canada, The Netherlands, and my family’s country of origin, Luxembourg, made the list in 2020. 

 

The U.S. ranked 17th on the freedom index and 18th on happiness. 

 

The Freedom Index defines freedom as a social construct that recognizes the dignity of individuals and is defined by the absence of coercive restraint. “Individuals have the right to lead their lives as they wish as long as they respect the equal rights of others.”

 

Countries that rank highest in freedom trust their citizens to make decisions that are right for them. They respect free will, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

 

So I can choose not to wear a mask at a grocery store, but when I do, I compromise the freedom of others to shop safely. So my freedom restricts the freedom of others. The government creates laws to help people enjoy their civil liberties. 

 

I love knowing that if I buy property, no one can take it away from me or without consequences. There are laws in place to protect my freedom to come home and not find squatters in my house. 

My beloved Costa Rica scores high on happiness rankings, but low on the freedom index because the legal system does not impose restrictions on criminals. They have negative liberty, meaning non-interference by government, so people can do what they want without consequences, but this impacts the security and economic freedom for a majority of citizens. 

 

Think about it this way. 

Negative Liberty is noninterference by others. If your kid doesn’t want to go to school, negative liberty means no interference. We’ve created laws that make this illegal because getting an education increases the child’s civil liberties, which increases access to economic, social freedom.

When your teen says, “You have no right to take away my cell phone! I should be free to watch porn all day if I want to!” You can say you are actually increasing his civil liberties, giving him access to education, jobs, transportation and relationships with real people. By restricting this one freedom you increase his access to a more fulfilling life. 

Positive Liberty removes the constraints that impede one’s personal improvement of the fulfillment of individual potential. Positive liberty cannot be imposed by others because we naturally have conflicting views on whether and how to achieve self-improvement. Positive freedom means different things to different people.

If you told your teen they have to play football to fulfill his potential and have a meaningful life, it restricts freedom because no one else can impose their idea of self improvement. 

When politicians decide that women are not allowed to make medical decisions about their own bodies, they are taking away freedom like a country that imposes marriage for 13 year olds. 

 

Supermom Power Boost: Practice feeling free

Freedom is not just an important FEELING but also a VALUABLE CIVIL RIGHT. Let’s make sure we have BOTH. One, by not imprisoning yourself with your thoughts and two, by not imposing your values and ideologies on others. 

Today’s Supermom Power Boost is to practice the feeling of freedom so you can experience how good it feels. 

The more free you feel, the happier you will be. 

When you interact with others, your joy will leak out and infect others. 

When you experience the benefits of freedom, you’ll want to encourage others to seek it for themselves (without assuming you know what’s right for them). 

 

My favorite way to practice freedom is with the thought, “I can do whatever I want!” 

I walk around my house thinking, “I can do anything I want to do right now! I can tidy, but I don’t have to. I can get on an airplane to Tahiti, but I choose not to. I can sit on my couch and read a book, but I would rather fold laundry. Isn’t this exciting?! 

I can be married, or single. I can earn money, spend money, or invest money. I can MAKE my teenager cuddle me, but I choose not to because she does not like it and I don’t want to take away her civil liberties!  I am free to become the best version of me! 

 

Quote of the Day: 

“There are two ways to go to the gas chamber, free and not free.” Jean Paul Sartre

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor E. Frankl

How to Stop Feeling Crappy

Episode #106  Sick of feeling crappy all the time

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie

School has started and I’m excited for my kids to be out of the house and in the classroom. As I was walking toward the school at the end of the day to pick them up, I saw a class out on the playground. These kids were running, playing, laughing, and having a great time. Some of their masks were on, some half on/half off, but they were living in the moment, having fun. 

Instead of appreciating that these kids were happily playing together, I kept focusing on their masks! I was thinking about how they were too young for vaccines and that as soon as Covid starts spreading around the school, they’re going to shut down and send kids home again. I’m worried about how contagious the Delta variant is and even vaccinated people can get it and spread it. I can’t even deal with my relatives who are illogically refusing to get the vaccine. I’m worried things are never going to return to normal. 

I want to enjoy life again like the kids at recess were. I thought returning to school would help me feel better, and it has a little, but it seems all anyone wants to talk about is COVID, masks, vaccines, and I’m just sick of it. 

What can I do to stop feeling so crappy all the time? 

Allison

 

Life Coaching Answer: 

Good News! You’ve already accomplished the first two steps to feeling less crappy!

1. NOTICE that your brain is focused on negative thoughts.

Our brains are constantly running commentary inside our heads without us even realizing it. We might go from happy to sad to mad to crazy, all in the course of a minute, because our brain is jumping from one thought to the other.

We THINK that we feel happy because our boss gave us a compliment, or we feel sad because there was a dead cat in the road. We THINK that it’s the circumstances we encounter that dictate our emotions, but it isn’t. ALWAYS, it’s the thoughts inside our head that are creating how we feel.

You already noticed this! You didn’t say their droopy mask wearing was making you crazy. You said seeing their careless mask wearing caused you to THINK worrisome thoughts! This is a huge distinction!

We cannot control other people’s mask wearing, conversation topics, vaccine choices, or state mandates. Believing that these circumstances can make you feel a certain type of way, will cause you to feel powerless. You are already feeling shitty so let’s not add powerlessness to the mix.

You feel shitty because the thoughts inside your head are negative. Guess who has control over the thoughts inside your head? YOU DO!

 

2. A desire to feel better.

Once you notice how you feel, and the thoughts causing it, the next step is to spend time thinking about how you want to feel.

The circumstances are going to remain the same: People are still getting sick and dying of COVID. Some people will still choose not to get vaccinated. There isn’t a vaccine approved for kids yet. Masks still do a great job of protecting people.

Even without any of that changing, you still get to decide how you want to feel and what you want to think about.

You say you want to feel joyful like the kids at recess. But it’s hard to go from shitty to joyful without sounding like a fake motivational hallmark card. “Every day, in every way, life is getting better and better!” Our bodies/higher selves will reject any thought that doesn’t resonate as the truth, so we can’t just make up happy thoughts and convince ourselves they are true.

When you have a circumstance like Covid that is such a trigger for negative thoughts, you’ll want to think more generally in order to feel joyful in the present.

Right now, in this moment, all is well. I am healthy. My kids are happy and healthy. We have air to breathe and food to eat. In THIS moment, it is safe to relax, take a deep breath, and appreciate the things I see around me.

Covid is a virus. Our world has seen many viruses. This is not the first or last, just one of many. This isn’t new, it’s just a part of being a citizen of the human race. I like being part of this human community. If Covid is the price to pay for having a human experience, I’m in. It’s worth it.

3. Give equal time.

How much time have you spent thinking about the negative aspects of COVID? A third thing you can do to feel less crappy is for every minute you spend worrying and thinking scary thoughts, give equal time to thoughts of love, safety, and beauty. Fear and love are in two different parts of the brain. You cannot be in both at the same time.

For every minute spent in fear, deliberately spend equal time in love and safety.
Right now, in this moment, are you safe? Look around you. Is there any immediate threat? If not, sit back, close your eyes, and relish in the enjoyment of safety.

What do you see that is beautiful? Kids playing at recess? Flowers blooming? Vaccinated people wearing masks to protect the health of strangers?

How has Covid increased the love people have for one another? Which TV shows remind you about the importance of love and beauty? Can you think about people (or animals) you spend time with who radiate love? With whom do you feel safest?

Remember Mazlow’s hierarchy of needs from your high school psychology class?

Level 5 - Self Actualization - Achieving one’s full potential, Morality, non-prejudice, Creative, Best Self

Level 4 - Esteem - Status, respect, freedom, recognition

Level 3 - Love and belonging - friendship, intimacy, connection, family

Level 2 - Safety - Health, property, security, income

Level 1 - Physiological Needs - Air, water, food, shelter, clothing, warmth, rest

We are currently living in a world of rapid change, unpredictability, and declining mental health. This “global weirding” is dropping many people down to level 2. When people feel unsafe they can’t self actualize. They can’t be in fear and love at the same time. They don’t get to feel respected, free, or intimately connected because safety comes before levels 3, 4, 5.

When people say “wearing masks takes away my freedom” they are operating from fear. Their brains are screaming “lack and attack!” If they could feel safe, loved, and connected, they would realize that they are free and always have been.

In order to feel less shitty, we’ve all got to let go of fear.

In order to reach our full potential, we’ve got to let go of fear.
In order to feel respected, revered, and free, we need to let go of fear.
In order to feel love, belonging and connection, we need to let go of fear.

You have a choice.

You can choose to respond to global weirding with fear: atching the news, worrying about the world, getting frustrated with those who don’t think like you. Clinging to the past, or thinking things should be changing more quickly than they are, creates stress. Getting mad at people for not thinking like you creates stress. You don’t have to manage your brain, you can let other scared and stressed people dictate your emotions.

Many people are responding this way. You will be in good company. You will feel justified and righteous.

But there is another way to respond to our “global weirding”.

You can choose to use these uncertain times to become a better version of you. Instead of joining in the group anxiety, you can become an emotional leader. Deliberately choosing to feel peaceful and loving, no matter what the circumstances. You can focus on beauty, safety, peace and joy, all of which surrounds you all the time. You can hire a life coach to help you illuminate your blind spots and step into a higher version of yourself. You can manage your mind, deliberately choosing what you want to think about, how you want to feel, and take actions that reinforce the belief that you are loved, free, respected, safe, and beautiful.

If you want this, but don’t have a community around you that supports these ideas, you’ve got to step outside your comfort zone and start taking the lead. It’s too important to wait and hope that your mom, your sister-in-law, or your partner is going to self actualize so that you don’t have to.

You have already taken the first two steps. You know you feel shitty and you know how you want to feel. The next step is learning to manage your mind. That’s what I’ve been trained for. I help people use their minds to get what they want. Not just a career you want or a peaceful home life, but how to create the world you want to live in by changing how you feel and think on the inside.

 

Supermom Kryptonite: The Jim Rohn quote, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”

Have you heard this quote? When I heard it, I felt terrible but it made me take a long hard look at the people around me. No wonder I felt so crazy! 

Think about the people you spend the most time with. It’s easy for their little voices, emotions, and opinions to start dominating your brain! If you’ve got a partner and 3 kids, that doesn’t leave a lot of room left for positive, uplifting people! 

This makes our media diet and our online community that much more important! 

Be very careful to take in only positive, uplifting news, people, movies and information. Notice who or what lights you up and makes you feel like the best version of you. Notice who or what drains your energy, makes you worried or anxious and AVOID IT.

 

 

Supermom Power Boost: Be around other people who feel crappy

Like attracts like. 

If you feel crappy, the last thing you want is to be around someone who thinks everything is great and looks at the world through rose colored glasses. The best match for you is someone who feels shitty like you, but wants to feel better. 

Invite them over, have a glass of wine or a cup of tea, commiserate and notice how you feel after. If you feel seen, heard, and felt, great! Schedule a time to see them again! 

If you feel connected to this person but disconnected from others, then it’s not a good match. Righteousness or sharing a mutual enemy gives you a false sense of connection. “We’re right and they're wrong” is not at the top of Mazlow’s self actualization pyramid. It’s actually a level 2 fear. When people aren’t open to hearing other opinions, get defensive, or become close minded, they are scared and need to focus on safety and security.

Want to be around other people who are sick of feeling crappy? Sign up for the free group coaching call by getting on the newsletter list at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/10Q 

 

Quote of the Day:

“Believe something and the universe is on it’s way to being changed. Because you’ve changed, by believing. Once you’ve changed, other things start to follow. Isn’t that the way it works.” Diane Duane, author.

 

I feel bad for not playing with my kids

Episode #105

Question of the Day:

 

Dear Torie, 

I feel bad for not playing with my kids. They are super cute 5 and 8 year olds who happily live in the moment. I would love to be more like them. When they ask me to play, I TRY to say yes, but either I start cleaning up or I turn it into a lesson. 

The other day, they wanted me to swim in the pool with them. I WANT to be the kind of mom who can have fun playing in the pool with her kids!  I make myself stop cleaning and put my swimsuit on. I wasn’t in there 5 minutes before I started advising them on the proper breaststroke technique and making them swim laps. It’s like I forgot how to play.

My daughter wants me to shoot hoops with her in the street. I love that she is excited about playing basketball! I want to encourage her and play with her, but my attention span is so short. I tell myself “just play with her for 5 minutes” but it’s agonizing. I feel like I’m wasting time because there are so many things that need to get done. 

Can you help this “All work and no play” momma become fun-loving and playful? 

Tamika

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

The first thing that might be getting in your way is your “play personality”. 

You say you forgot how to play, but I would offer that what feels like play to your kids, may not feel like play to YOU. 

In the book Play, by Dr. Stuart Brown, he identifies 8 categories of play, explaining that not everyone plays the same way. It sounds like you are defining play the same way a kinesthete would, “If I’m not moving, it’s not play!”. You want to play with your kids, but if swimming and shooting hoops don’t shift you into a playful state, then “kinesthete” may not be your play personality. 

You might have more fun curled up on the couch reading books with your kids, or hosting a pool party for them and their friends. 

The 8 play personalities are: 

1. Kinesthete 
2. Storyteller
3. Director
4. Collector
5. Competitor
6. Creator/Maker
7. Explorer
8. The Joker

If you are a competitor, you can make swimming fun with “how long can you hold your breath” contests or “who can do the weirdest dive”. 

Because of your tendency to turn things into lessons, you might be a director, trying to create experiences for others. It could be more fun for you to create a “swimming pool obstacle course” or make a checklist of skills for your kids to master.

Figuring out what feels like play to you, can stimulate your brain, reduce the pressure you are putting on yourself and help you have more fun with your happy kids. 

 

Now let’s talk about the brain.

 

When neuroanatomist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, had a hemorrhage on the left hemisphere of her brain, she wrote an amazing book, My Stroke of Insight (and gave a famous TED talk) to help us understand the two hemispheres of the brain. 

Our right brains are all about this present moment, right here, right now. When we are in our right hemisphere, we experience a deep connection to all other energy beings and our environment. This side thinks in pictures and experiences life through our sensory systems. Our right brains love storytelling, music, movement, creativity, imagination, intuition and empathy. It’s the consciousness of the right hemisphere that causes us to feel playful, joyful, peaceful and connected to a larger whole. 

So the question Tamika asked “Why can’t I play with my kids” is simple but very powerful. What she’s asking is “How do I switch from my left thinking brain, to my right thinking brain?” 

Learning how to manage the mind, to choose which part of your brain you want to be in depending on the circumstances, is the most powerful and beneficial skill set any of us can learn during these wild and unpredictable times we are living in! 

After her first book, people were so enamored by Dr. Taylor’s description of life with a healthy right brain and non-functioning left brain, she wrote another book called Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice. This book is the “how” to her first book’s “what”. 

Folks wanted to know, HOW can we tap into our right hemisphere to experience deeper joy, peace and connection? HOW do we quiet the left hemisphere of our minds so that we can drop into a playful state whenever we feel like it?

This is one of the goals of life coaching. 

Before we can CHOOSE , we need to recognize and name the 4 sections of the brain. In Whole Brain Living, Dr. Taylor talks about the 4 sections of the brain having 4 distinctly different personalities. 

1. Left Thinking - Thinks about past and future. Linear and methodical. Gets things done. Details. Categorizes. Plans. Verbal internal chatter. “I am…..” which separates me from everyone else. (Captain)
2. Left Feeling - Always afraid, Bad things are going to happen. (Porcupine)
3. Right Thinking - Creative, sensory, playful (Dancing Queen)
4. Right Feeling - Fascinated, connected, no boundaries. Moments of inexplicable peace. Compassionate (Oneness)

 

Everyone of us has these characters in their brain. Getting to know them, naming them, and  forming a relationship with each character helps give you the ability to CHOOSE which part of the brain to step into. 

The left thinking part of the brain is the Captain of the ship. It helps us gets things done. It watches the clock, reminds us of deadlines and goals, it keeps things moving along. It’s extremely valuable, but most Supermoms spend over 98% of the day in the left hemisphere of their brains. Many of my clients will bounce back and forth between character 1 - left thinking, and character 2 - left feeling. They may start their day with a to-do list, but start panicking when obstacles come up. When your kids won’t cooperate, it can send you into left feeling, character 2. 

Tell yourself you are “falling behind” on tasks, worry about your boss getting mad at you, or anticipate the embarrassment of your mother in law seeing your messy house, can send a Supermom from Character 1 into Character 2.

When your kids invite you to play, they are inviting you into the right thinking part of your brain. This playful, creative, live in the moment, expansive, imaginative, connected, part of all us DOES still exist. It is a part of your neuro-anatomy, even if you find it difficult to access, it’s nice to know it is still there. 

The more you identify and notice times when you’ve been in your right brain, the easier accessing it will become. So the answer to why can’t I play with my kids, is because you are in your left brain, and perhaps trying to play in a way that isn’t fun for you. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from hopping into your right brain on command? FEARS

Fear is an emotion in the body. It comes from two places, our instincts and our thoughts. 

I remember sitting WAY UP HIGH on a ropes course, held up by one cable above me and a tiny piece of wood below me. I was scared out of my mind. My heart was pounding. My palms were sweating. My mouth was dry. My body was shaking but my verbal mind was quiet. When I got to a place where I could stop and gather myself for a minute, I remember thinking “This is what REAL fear feels like….and it’s pretty damn exhilarating”. The fear I felt on a daily basis I called “fake fear”.

 

Fake fear comes from scary thoughts inside our head. It’s the verbal, left feeling brain creating imaginary future scenarios, or replaying past scenarios, that we react to as though they are actually happening right now. 

 

“If I take time to play with my kids, work will pile up and I’ll get overwhelmed with work later.” 

 

“A good mom would be able to keep the house clean, put dinner on the table, and happily swim in the pool with the kids when they ask.” 

 

“I don’t have time to play! My boss will be mad, the teacher will think I’m flaky, my kids will get cranky, and I won’t have accomplished anything today!” 

 

Telling yourself “I should be able to play with my kids” is a sure fire way to suck the joy out of the afternoon. 

In order to choose which section of the brain you go into at any given moment, we need to release the fears that keep you stuck.

There are many ways to release fears. Two of the best ways Tamika could practice releasing fears on her own, is exercise and breath work. 

When the brain goes into the fight or flight response, blood rushes to our extremities, we start sweating and our heart rate increases. You may need to run to the toilet but this physiological response happens without our permission or consent. Even though we might be creating it with a stressful thought like “I can’t mess up”, once the Central Nervous System takes over, it’s on automatic pilot.

When we enter this physiological state, it’s helpful to act on it by going for a run, riding a bike, punching pillows or somehow “fighting or fleeing”. If you have stressful thoughts, any exercise where you work up a sweat can be tremendously helpful to shift you out of fear, and into the state of rest and play. 

The other way to release fear is to shift your brain out of the fight or flight state. The one part of this fight/flight state we have control over is our breath. We can’t force ourselves to stop sweating or redirect the blood flow in our body, but we can take deliberately slow, deep breaths.  If you encounter a bear in the wild, you will automatically take short shallow breaths. When you are relaxing in a hammock under a palm tree, you automatically take slow and deep breaths. When our body goes into fight or flight, but we take slow deep breaths, we confuse our brains. The deep breathing tricks our Central Nervous System into shifting to a relaxed state. 

Both exercise and breath work bring you into the present moment, which shifts you into the right hemisphere of your brain, which shifts you into a playful brain state. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Too much left brain thinking

 

Kids are great at living on the right side of their brain. They live in the moment, use their imagination, their creativity and exist in a state of play. 

Parents and teachers dwell on the left side of their brain. We remind kids about the existence of rules, about cleaning up, about time, about what’s coming next. It takes a strong left brain to manage the comings and goings of a family. Doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, and getting to school on time, could not be managed without a strong left brain. 

Every time we talk about the plan for the day, or teach them to read from left to right, we are encouraging our children’s left brain thinking. 

Today’s Supermom Kryptonite is an over-development of our left brains. 

If we spend too much time following rules, watching the clock, accomplishing tasks, we lose out on the beautiful gifts of right brain thinking. Instead of always trying to bring your kid over to the left brain, try joining them in the right brain. 

Your kid is playing with superheroes instead of eating breakfast….incorporate the two. Have the superhero eat breakfast with your child, taking turns powering up with fuel to fly into the car.

Some of my favorite ways to do this are: 

 

“Do Nothing” Days - Create a span of time where the only goal is to accomplish nothing.

Exercise Classes are so good for my creative idea machine I sometimes bring a notebook to class. 

Sitting in the sunshine for 5 minutes and focusing on my breath. 

Going for a walk in nature without my phone (if no one’s watching, sometimes I skip :)

Sacred pet the doggy time, sacred chocolate, morning coffee

Floating in water: hot tubs, pools, lakes, etc.

Watching the sunset

Holding a newborn baby

Dancing 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Meditation

 

You’ve probably heard a lot about this concept of meditation which is why it took 105 episodes for me to mention it as an energy power boost. 

Meditation is this magical pill that has no adverse side effects but scientific studies show it can help decrease anxiety, depression, insomnia, blood pressure, symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome, menopause, cravings and addictive impulses. Meditation is also shown to improve immune system function, boost attention span, memory, creativity, productivity, self awareness, happiness and emotional well being. 

If you had a pill that did all these things wouldn’t you take it? The problem is this pill is really hard to swallow! 

Most people hear about meditation and think, “How hard can that be?”....and then they try it. 

When our left verbal brain has been in charge for a long time, it’s not going to relinquish control that easily. This “Captain of the Ship” is going to fight like crazy to stay in charge. When you first try to meditate, expect to get squirmy, distracted, and find a million more compelling things that urgently need your attention. 

But the more you try it, the easier it gets. This magical pill becomes easier to swallow. The resistance to meditation subsides and you start to look forward to this break from the left thinking brain. 

The biggest benefit of meditation is the same thing life coaching provides. It sits YOU in the driver’s seat of your brain. Every time you have an impulse to get up off your chair, and you force yourself to sit back down, you declare dominion over your mind. The spirit and essence of YOU gets to be in charge. YOU get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, the actions you want to take, no matter what your default wiring might be based on the past.

 

Quote of the Day:  “Western women will save the world” Dalai Lama

Preparing your teen to leave the nest

Episode #104 Preparing your teen to leave the nest

Question of the Day: 

Dear Torie, 

My first born is a rising senior. We are heading into a BIG year with college applications, tours, SAT tests, in person school and extracurricular activities. There’s a lot to think about and a lot to process. This time next year he’ll be moving out to live on his own for the first time. I want to make sure he is prepared so I’m compiling a list of things I need to teach him: check pockets before you do laundry, cook a potato in the microwave, use condoms, ask for consent, create a budget, introduce yourself to professors during office hours and sit in the front of the room, things like that. 

Do you have any suggestions to add to this list? There’s so much to cover and only one year left to cram it all in. Any advice for a crash course in turning my darling boy into a man? 

Thanks, 

Summer

Parent Educator Answer: 

There are many things we could add to your list that fall into the categories of finances, life skills, social skills, etiquette, academic success, safety, automotive maintenance, the list is endless. You could google, read blogs, listen to podcasts, order your son the book, Adulting: How to Become a Grown Up in 535 Easy Steps. 

 

There is a ton of valuable knowledge out there, the problem is overwhelm and disinterest. If your son doesn’t think this information is relevant to him RIGHT NOW, he probably will tune you out. If he is feeling overwhelmed with college applications, school work, building up his life skills and having a fun senior year, he’ll run into an attention bottleneck. This happens when too much information and stimuli are coming in so even if he WANTS to learn, he doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to take it in and filter. 

 

In my opinion, the 3 most valuable skills your teen should take off to college with him are: social skills like how to make friends, time management skills and healthy ways to cope with stress. I created “15 texts to send your teen to reduce their stress and make them nicer”. Go to www.lifecoachingforparents.com/teens to download the pdf and be a supportive cheerleader to your stressed adolescent. 

 

If you want to prepare him to leave the nest, choose to focus on the things that seem most salient, relevant, timely or fun. What is he interested in learning?

If he’s a new driver, then learning to change a tire and check the oil may be most relevant. Have him take the car into the shop. 

If he’s excited about earning money, teach him about compounding interest and ROTH IRA’s. 

If he has his first girlfriend, teach him about condoms and consent. 

If you look for timely “teachable moments” instead of an endless checklist, helping your teen adapt to adulthood will be natural and fun instead of just one more thing on the to-do list. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way from finding relaxed, “teachable moments” to help our children gradually turn into adults?

Our mommy heart. 

My hunch is that Supermom Summer is having some EMOTIONS about her son’s last year at home and instead of feeling her feelings, she is focusing on tasks and to-do’s. 

 

The way she says “WE are heading into a big year” and “There’s a lot to think about and process” tells me there are some emotions that are bubbling up that she would rather not feel. 

This is kinda like having a pot of water boiling on the stove but instead of addressing it, you puta lid on it and focus on other things in the kitchen. This does not make the water stop boiling. It makes the water spill over, gets loud and makes a mess.When this pot of water / emotion is left unattended, the pot will burn. 

When you’ve got emotions that are bubbling up, it’s MUCH BETTER to acknowledge them. Pay FULL ATTENTION to the feeling until it simmers down. If you can watch the water bubble and boil, without feeling the need to run away and distract yourself, it will slowly become calm again and you won’t have to deal with messy, emotional overflows of emotion. 

Your child’s last year at home is an emotional one. 

Fear over their uncertain future. 

Fear of not having prepared them well enough. 

Fear of not having control and not knowing where they are all the time. 

Fear of them making mistakes with big consequences. 

 

Grief over losing the little boy you once had. 

Grief over no longer being the center of your child’s universe. 

Grief over not being able to protect him from negative emotions or experiences.

Grief over your role ending as chauffeur, chef, cheerleader, coach and confidante.

 

Before you start scrambling to fill out your list of to-do’s, allow yourself to feel the fear, grief and any other emotion that may be bubbling up. 

 

How to feel a feeling: 

Start by trying to identify WHERE in your body you feel the fear. Then BREATHE and imagine widening out the body to make room for the emotion.

What does it feel like? Is it heavy or tight? What is the texture like? The color? Does it make a sound? Is there movement? Breathe and allow for 90 seconds. 

 

Your high schooler is focused on who he wants to be. What he wants to study and where he wants to go to school. He’s asking himself some really important questions about the kind of adult he wants to be. 

Try asking yourself the same kinds of questions. 

For moms as well as kids, moving out is a time of big transitions. Spend some time thinking about who you want to be when you aren’t busy raising kids. What do you want your next chapter to be about? How do you want to fill your extra time? In which area are you interested in growing? 

Some of these questions might leave you with an uncomfortable emptiness. That’s ok. Just breathe and allow yourself to feel the void of the empty nest. It’s not bad, just different. The brain doesn’t like change and will freak out and want to fill it with worry and tasks. It’s an exciting and emotional time but fighting and denying the hard parts will not help. The easiest way through it is to feel it all, allow it all, accept it all, and start creating a vision of a fabulous new future. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - College expectations

Parents have a big influence on setting the expectations for what college will be like for their teens. Some will “talk it up” about how fun it’s going to be, how many friends they will have and parties they will go to. Some communicate their own fears talking about how much work it’s going to be, how many dangerous situations they may find themselves in, how careful they need to be, etc. Don’t be all doom & gloom, nor all sunshine & roses. 

The reason we remember college so fondly is BECAUSE it was hard. We made a lot of mistakes and bad things happened because we had freedom. We formed tight friendships, we cried and suffered rejection, we learned to appreciate our parents, we learned our parents were weird, we failed, we succeeded, we celebrated, we experimented, we struggled without the eyes of our parents watching us struggle. It was brutal and beautiful. It was college. 

What I learned from my son’s freshman orientation is…..”All college freshmen come in wanting 3 things: good grades, a good social life, and a good night sleep. Don’t expect to have all 3 at the same time. Some days you will have to choose. Some months or semesters, you will have to choose.” 

 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Parenting Fails, courtesy of Grown & Flown 

Grown and Flown is a book, blog, website and Facebook Group by Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington. The Facebook Group has almost 198,000 members so it’s a great place to get a HUGE response to questions or problems about raising young adults. 

One mom recently wrote a post titled, “Things I failed to teach my children” citing her teenagers inability to open a can with a peel back top. 

Thousands of other moms joined in talking about their teen or young adults inability to use can openers, tie their shoes, address an envelope, mail letters or packages from the post office, clean or plunge the toilet, ride a bike, use a tampon, read cursive, deposit or write a check, look people in the eye, have a phone conversation and put their napkin in their lap. 

It was hilarious to read and share in the communal incompetencies of our young adults. Have some levity around this stage of life. If your college kid puts dryer sheets in the washing machine and aluminum foil in the microwave, know that he is in good company.

It is impossible to prepare your child for every scenario. Do your best to keep it fun, relevant, salient, and timely. Pay attention to your own emotions during this transitional time and be gentle with yourself. This is a really big deal for YOU and a perfect time to hire a life coach for yourself to have support while going through it. 

Your kid is going to screw up, but that’s kind of the point. 

 

Quote of the Day: “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” Winnie the Pooh.