Supermom is Getting Tired

How can I get organized when the clutter is so overwhelming?

Ep. 121  Creating Calm: 5-day Declutter Challenge

 

This week's podcast is going to be a little different because the answer to today’s question is being answered all week long. 

I’ve teamed up with organizing expert Tracy Hoth of  Simply Square Away, to offer you Creating Calm: a 5-day declutter challenge.

 

We are going live inside the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group to help you take control of your home, declutter and organize, so you can feel calmer. 

 

By the time you listen to this, the challenge has already begun so make sure you get over there quickly! We are offering prizes to all who participate in this challenge so say goodbye to that messy closet, and get excited to lift your energy! 

 

Sometimes when moms think about trying to organize, they feel overwhelmed. In preparing for this week, I heard moms say...

 

There is so much clutter around my house I can’t think straight. I’m embarrassed when people stop by my house. I really want to get organized but I’m too exhausted to make it happen. 

 

I have no time to follow my kids around, making sure they pick up after themselves. I want to just snap my fingers and get it all cleaned up but knowing me, even if the whole house was cleaned, it would be right back where it started 3 days later. 

 

If you are trying to figure out how you can create the calm environment you crave, when you don’t have time or energy to organize, then this challenge is for you.

 

Our brains don’t like change. They perceive new things as scary. So they always come up with reasons why you should stay exactly as you are. “I don’t have time, money or energy” are very popular ones. Followed by “I would do it if my family would let me or was more supportive.” 

 

Don’t let your brain’s default setting keep you from getting what you really want. 

 

If you have a desire to have a clean and tidy home you can be proud of, a home that calms and energizes you at the same time, then you deserve to have that. 

 

Want to know what causes fatigue? 

 

Clutter. Indecision. Avoiding things. Not taking action on things you genuinely want is a HUGE energy drain!  

Think about a phone call you have to make but you keep avoiding it. That difficult conversation you’ve been meaning to have with your family member. Finding a trust attorney to put together your living will. Jumping through the automated hoops with AT&T to finally resolve that discrepancy on your bill. 

 

Can you feel the weight of those phone calls you are dreading? Now imagine having completed them. You’ve been avoiding them for MONTHS but those 3 phone calls only took 45 minutes out of your life! Now you get to feel accomplished and proud…you are full of energy and ready to move on! 

 

It feels AMAZING to tackle things you’ve been avoiding. So the reason you are avoiding cleaning that messy closet, (no time or energy) can be remedied by actually cleaning out the messy closet! 

 

I do not disagree that you are tired and have a lot on your plate. That’s just a fact of modern living that I’m sure is true. 

 

I’m just saying there is a difference between resting and avoiding.

 

If you are tired, and you rest, you feel better after. You have more energy to go back to work. 

 

If you are tired, and you rest, and you feel MORE drained after, then you are avoiding doing the thing that is actually going to GIVE you energy. 

 

If you decide NOT to participate in the 5 day declutter challenge, and next week you look at your messy kitchen counter and think, “I’m so glad I didn’t participate. That was the right choice for me because I spent my time doing more important and valuable things.” then great, you made the right decision for you. 

 

If, however, next week, you are looking at your cluttered kitchen counter and thinking, “I really should have participated in that challenge. It would have been good for me to tackle this mess I’ve been avoiding.” then it’s not too late! 

 

Hop on over to the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group and join Tracy and Torie for a boost of energy. 

 

Sad about kids growing up

Sad about letting go of little kids

Question of the Day:

"How do I get over that feeling of loss for my little kids?

I miss them being small, loving and playful, always wanting me to be with them. I had so much fun when they were little, playing outside, doing crafts, even just hanging out at home watching movies. 

Now that I have a teen and tween, I feel like they don't want or need me around. They would rather be with their friends which I know is normal and I’m happy they are enjoying activities, school and friends, but I miss my time with them so much. 

I'm not sure how to fit into their lives right now. I know they are just growing up like they should be doing. And don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of them and how independent they have become. But I would love to have them run up and ask me for a hug or grab my hand and ask me to play a game one more time!"

The other day, my almost 13 year old was at school and sent me a text that he forgot his basketball bag for practice after school. I work from home so I said I could drop it off at lunch hour. I gathered up everything he would need, put it in his bag and dropped it off at school. Afterwards I felt so happy and useful. Doesn’t that sound crazy?”

Kelly

Parent Educator Answer: 

First of all, no, it does not sound crazy at all. Many moms can relate because it feels good to be needed and valued and it’s a huge part of our lives. It is ironic because the other podcast topics I was considering for today were: “I’m not cut out for servitude” and “No matter how much I give, they still want more.” So it is nice for moms to hear that they might actually miss the constant demands someday. 

 

There is a movie on Netflix called “Otherhood” about 3 moms whose kids have grown up and moved out. They describe motherhood as a long, slow breakup. “That sinking feeling that you are being broken up with on a gradual but daily basis.” 

 

We go from a very loving and intense relationship, spending lots of time fully enmeshed in each other’s lives, to slowly being made redundant. Not fired, just demoted. As your kids become more responsible and independent, your role in their lives diminishes. We go from playing the leading role, to supporting lead, bit player or worse, the antagonist. 

 

It can be difficult and sad. The first thing to become aware of is the difference between clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain feels pure and appropriate for the situation. If you have a miscarriage, there is some healthy and healing clean grief to experience. As the tears flow, we acknowledge the loss and let go of the dreams we had for this child’s future that will never come to be. 

 

The dirty pain comes in when we think thoughts like, “Bad things always happen to me.” “God is punishing me for drinking that beer.” Our thoughts can perpetuate sadness, making it last forever. Clean sadness helps us move forward. Dirty grief keeps us stuck in wishing things are different than they are. 

 

The purpose of sadness is to identify something we are ready to let go of. You might say you aren’t ready to let go of your little kids, that you want them to be young again, but notice how those thoughts make you feel. When we long for something that is impossible to have we suffer unnecessarily. 

 

What we want to do is examine: Which aspects of the past are you ready to say goodbye to and which aspects do you want to bring with you into your future? 

 

Grab your tissue box and practice letting go of the past right now: 

I say goodbye to the child who always wanted me with them. 

I say goodbye to being your number one favorite person. 

I say goodbye to playing games with you whenever I want.

I say goodbye to managing your calendar and choosing your friends. 

I say goodbye to managing your school work.

I say goodbye to being able to hug you whenever I want. 

I say goodbye to holding your hand. 

I say goodbye to doing arts and crafts whenever I wanted. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from letting go? 

Our higher self, trying to get our attention to something that is important for us to bring forward.  

When you feel resistance to letting go, it may because there is an ELEMENT you need to hold on to and carry into your future. If you don’t want to let go of doing arts and crafts with your kids, it may be because your spirit craves more artistic, creative time. Or maybe you love teaching young children to create things with their hands. You’ll want to take a deeper dive into what, exactly, you do not want to let go of. 

 

The best way to figure this out is with a question I got from Bev Barnes in episode 101 when she coached me on finding my soul’s calling. She asked me “What aspect of parenting your children are you most proud of?” For some reason, this question illuminates a part of our essence, our spirit, that doesn’t want to be let go of. To my surprise, I said, the thing I was most proud of was the parties I hosted throughout the years. Bev pointed out that me, creating in person events and experiences for others was an important part of me, feeling like me. When letting go of your kids, it’s important not to let go of the parts of ourselves that we loved the most. 

 

I asked another client what she was most proud of during her time as mom and she talked about how confident and sure of herself she was. She felt very attuned to her child and confident she was making the right decisions, even when family and friends disagreed. Of course, she doesn’t want to let go of feeling confident and self assured! She felt like the best version of herself back then. Her higher self doesn’t want to grieve the loss of the best time of her life, it wants her to learn how to be the best, most confident version of herself now and into the future! 

I asked Kelly what she was most proud of when the kids were little and she said balance.

“When the kids were little, I worked hard at balancing my full time office job, parenting, time for myself, time with my husband and time with my friends. We had a good structure and it worked. As the kids grew, my time with the kids is less because they no longer need me at each event. I spend more time sitting in the car than anything. And they have so many things going on in separate places that I have less time with my husband. We are usually split up between kids. My friends are in the same boat, too busy to get away for some adult time.”

 

There are two ways our higher self tries to get our attention. Yearning and discontent.

Kelly is yearning for the younger kids because she feels discontent with her life as a chauffeur. She longs for the balance she had back then.

Once you realize what you are yearning for, it’s easier to create it. We can’t make the kids smaller, but you can get more involved with the parents on the sidelines of the basketball games. If you are sitting in the car, you can use that time to talk on the phone to a friend. You could ask another mom to go for a walk while the kids have practice or plan a team bonding event for parents and kids. 

When you find yourself wanting to hold onto the past, ask yourself what specifically you miss that you want to bring forward into your future. 

Raising tweens and teens is a continuous process of letting go. By letting go, you make space for new and wonderful things to come in. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite: Assigning credit to others 

It’s pretty common to assign credit to others. Kelly thought having little kids around her made her feel balanced, but if that was true, every mom would feel balanced while working full time and raising little kids.  She gave the credit to her life circumstance rather than owning that it really was SHE who created the work/life balance. 

 

When we assign credit to others (I was successful at that job because I had a great boss and a supportive team) it sounds wonderful but it makes us a victim of our circumstance. In the future, when we don’t have a great boss or supportive team, we feel powerless. Better to own your part in your success. “I made the most of that supportive environment and used it to be successful in my job.”

 

If you think you can’t be balanced because of the age of your children, you give away your power to make the changes your spirit is calling for.

Supermom Power Boost: Create a higher vision for yourself after the kids leave.

I was never the mom to cry at graduations or milestone events in my kids’ lives. Everyone knew which were moms to pass tissues to, knowing the waterworks would be flowing. So, me being me, asked them, “What are you thinking about that makes you so sad?” Reliably, these sentimental moms would be thinking about the past. How cute and nervous they were on their first day of school. What it felt like to hold their hand as they crossed the street. Enjoying the camaraderie of other parents while working on school projects, field trips and parties. 

 

There is nothing wrong with being sentimental but if you are tired of feeling sad, try imagining a fun and exciting future. 

 

It’s easy to imagine your kids growing up having exciting new experiences, meeting new people and discovering new adventures. It’s harder to imagine OURSELVES doing these things so it might take a little practice. 

 

What’s something you loved doing before you had kids that you might like to rekindle? I used to love dancing, traveling with girlfriends, and spending time alone in nature. 

 

What’s something you would love to do more of once your kid starts driving? Having a teen and tween means a lot of time spent driving around town. Use this time to start creating a vision for your future that you are excited about. What will be great about having your kids out of the house? What would you like your relationship with your adult kids to look like? 

 

I asked my facebook folks to tell me some of the things they enjoy doing with their adult children that they didn’t do much of when they were young. Here are their answers and ideas to get you started: 

 

• Biking, roller blading, golfing, kayaking, paddleboarding, skiing, etc.
• Beauty and shopping day in the city
• Cooking, eating, and game nights
• Beer and wine tasting
• Traveling and concerts. 
• Camping, hiking, boating

 

You can enjoy these teen and tween years by letting go of the past, bringing forward the things that are most important to you, and creating a vision for the future that excites you. 

 

Quote of the day:

“You cannot explore new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Andre Gide

When your kid hates their body

Episode #119 When your kid hates their body

 

Question of the Day:

I get a lot of questions from moms about what to say when kids make negative comments about their body or start showing signs of disordered eating. These are not my area of expertise so today I brought in an expert.

Kyira Wackett is a licensed mental health therapist, facilitator and creator. She lives in Portland, OR with her husband, Jordan and her daughter, Everly. She is the owner of Adversity Rising a company that works to equip and empower people with the skills and tools to live life on purpose. She also sees patients in a private therapy practice where she treats people with eating disorders, anxiety disorders and trauma.

Kyria's website is: www.adversityrising.com

Kyria started a project called the #ReclaimBeauty project several years ago and highly recommend parents use this with middle school and older kids. In the project, I interview people and share their stories alongside their photos to help tell a deeper story about who they are and their experience with beauty ideals.  The focus of the video is to start a conversation for MS and HS students on this idea of beauty and ideals around this.

• Documentary: https://www.reclaimbeauty.org/film
  
   
• Book Recommendations — for younger kids to start the conversation:
  • A kids book about body image
  • I am enough
  • Love your body — specifically targeted to biologically female bodies
  • all bodies are good bodies
  • Free book about what would fashion look like if it included us all: https://www.universalstandard.com/pages/childrens-book-read-online —>  This website is all about inclusivity with bodies, identities and clothing and might be great to includeThis is a free resource for teens and their families on creating body positivity and a neutral relationship with food. https://www.redefiningwellness.co/

 

 

Listen to today's podcast to find out how to support a body positive and food neutral household.

 

We'll discuss supporting a kid with body image distress and disordered eating. 

 

If you want to teach your kid to love their body, this episode is for you! 

 

 

I don’t know what I need to be happy?

Do you feel like you've lost yourself through parenting? Like even if you had time to yourself, you wouldn't know what to do with it to make you feel happy?

Episode #118

Today I have a special treat.

An interview with an amazing former client who came to me because she didn't know what she needed to be happy. After 12 years of parenting kids and part time work, she felt like she had lost herself through the daily crazy that comes with being a mom of 5. When she did get a rare moment to herself, she didn't know what to do that would help her feel better.  This is an interview with her one year after she went through the Supermom is Getting Tired coaching program. I wanted to hear from her about how coaching helped, what she did to continue the momentum once the program ended, and how her life had changed.

Two classes starting soon!

If you are struggling with your teen, go to www.LeadingYourTeen.com and sign up for a free coaching call. You can tell me what's going on for you at home and I'll see if you are a fit for the Leading Your Teen coaching program. We'll discuss the differences between the group and 1:1 coaching program and whether you sign up or not, you will leave the call with more clarity and confidence on how to be a resource for your teen.

 

Also coming up soon is Time for The Talk. A sex education class for parents to take with their 9-13 year old. This class opens up the lines of communication on difficult topics like sex, puberty, gender, values, friendships and more. It's a great way to set the foundation for open communication throughout adolescence. You can learn more about it and sign up at www.TimeforTheTalk.com

 

Quote of the Day:

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special, too." Ernest Hemmingway

Motivating an apathetic teen

Episode #117: Motivating an apathetic teen

 

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie 

My son is so apathetic. He is super smart and very capable, but he doesn’t seem to care about doing well in school. I feel like I’m failing because he isn’t living up to his potential. Any suggestions for motivating an apathetic teenager? 

Pilar

 

Parent Educator Answer:

The good news is, nobody lives up to their potential so you can let that one go. We all always have more in us. 

Apathy is showing or feeling no enthusiasm, interest, or concern. It can be a sign of mental health problems. Without more information it’s hard for me to tell if depression is a factor, but here are some common signs to look for.

Lack of motivation

Lack of empathy

Drop in grades

Changes in appetite

Trouble sleeping through the night

Feeling tired all the time

Inability to enjoy things that used to be fun

Sadness, crankiness, irritability that lasts throughout the day

 

If there is something going on emotionally and it’s affecting school and other parts of your child's life, it’s important to talk to someone safe and trusted about it. 

 

From my experience, there are other common reasons a child may appear apathetic and unmotivated to do well in school. 

 

1) They aren’t interested in school. 

When the subjects we learn in school aren’t inherently interesting to us, external motivations can often carry us through. Maybe you don’t care about Greek Mythology, but you care about sticker charts, getting benched at recess and helping your group get a good grade. 

For some kids, no amount of peer pressure, rewards or external motivation can override a lack of interest. This is especially common in kids with ADHD. They can hyper-focus on things that interest them but have a really hard time making themselves do boring work. 

 

2) Perfectionistic thinking is keeping them from going all in. 

Many of us struggle with black and white thinking without even knowing it. For kids unmotivated to work hard in school, it often shows up as “If I know I’m going to fail, why try?”(failure meaning anything less than 100%) or “I’ll never be as good as (mom, sister, smartest kid in school, etc.) so why bother?” It’s this idea that there is a limited amount of success to go around and I either have it or I don’t.  

Perfectionistic thinking is fear masquerading as apathy. 

Parents who also have perfectionistic thinking can fuel this fear without realizing it. When our kid does their homework and we find more for them to do. When they get B’s and we want to see A’s. When we have the belief that they aren’t quite good enough or doing enough, it’s not unusual to see kids rebel by not caring. 

 

3) “My Child, My Masterpiece.” 

Our culture promotes enmeshment and co-dependency between parent and child. When parents tie their child’s academic achievements to their success as a parent, it creates a difficult dynamic for adolescents. 

Teenagers are wired to separate from their parents. When we see them forming different opinions, values, and interests than ours, it’s a healthy sign they are forming an identity separate from us. This will prepare them for adulthood. 

Kids usually start out wanting to please their parents but when parents care A LOT about grades and are highly invested in their child’s academic achievements, kids may fail on purpose just to prove their independence. 

If Mom wants their kid to get a high score, and the kid gets a high score, Mom feels successful. If a kid fails, mom feels like a failure. I see many kids take advantage of this enmeshment (subconsciously) choosing apathy as a way to get their parents off their back. 

Learning how to release ego attachment to your child’s grades and focus on your own success is a difficult thing to do. My Leading Your Teen coaching program teaches moms how to “love more, care less” so that your kid can take full ownership over their victories and successes and not need to sabotage in order to get parents to back off. 

 

If we are trying to understand a child’s lack of motivation, it can be summarized by saying, “They don’t have a strong enough WHY”. 

Why get up early every morning, sit on a hard chair inside 4 concrete walls, and listen to someone drone on about a topic you aren’t interested in? 

Why learn about a subject you will never use again? 

Why read a book when you can watch the movie? 

Why struggle through math equations when the answers are on the internet? 

Why waste thousands of dollars going to college when classes are available for free or cheap on the internet? 

 

These are excellent questions to ask your kids. The answers they give will show you their values. 

 

Do they value being seen as smart and capable? 

Do they put up with history so they can get to P.E.? 

Is it their friends at school that make it worthwhile? 

Do they want the teacher to like them? 

Is it drama and band that make the rest of the school day tolerable? 

Is it better than sitting at home staring at a screen?

The important thing to remember is that motivation is individual to the person and can change in an instant. I wasn’t motivated to do well in any high school subjects other than Spanish and Drama. I like to learn practical tools that make everyday life more enjoyable. When I got to college and found subjects that were more aligned with my interests, good grades were a natural result.

 

 

Life Coaching Answer: 

What gets in your way from being at peace and allowing your kid to discover their own motivation in their own time? Parental Anxiety. 

I can’t tell you how many moms I have coached who go into full blown fight or flight response while watching their kid relax on the sofa instead of studying. 

It’s our own anxieties that get in our way from being able to love more, care less, while allowing our kids to discover their own motivation.

 

Here’s what usually happens: 

Our kid comes home from school and says they are going to their bedroom to do homework. An hour later we look and see them on youtube, Netflix, or TikTok. A surge of anxiety moves through us, causing us to lose our minds. We yell, threaten, argue… This discharges our anxiety but leaves us feeling frustrated and powerless. 

 

What we want to do is recognize that this is a trigger for our anxiety. This isn’t about our kid, it’s about what we make it mean when we see our kid not working.

“They are going to fail!” 

“I’m not doing my job!”

“I NEED them to CARE about this so I can STOP CARING SO MUCH!” 

“I can’t relax until their homework is done so THEY NEED TO GET IT DONE!”

“These grades are the pathway to success and they refuse to get on the path!”

“Your teachers, our family, my friends are going to think we are losers if you don’t get good grades!”

 

Whenever you feel this surge of adrenaline, like you MUST say something urgently, WALK AWAY.

When you talk to your child from this anxious place, you will not get the results you are looking for. You may get to discharge some of your anxiety, but not in a way that makes you feel proud, pleased, or productive. It will drive a wedge further in the relationship between you and your teen, and you will miss the opportunity to model what it looks like to take responsibility and do your own work. 

We don’t want to put our ability to feel like a peaceful, successful parent in the hands of an apathetic, unmotivated kid. 

Once you’ve resisted the impulse to discharge your anxiety by getting annoyed with your kiddo, what do you do with the crazy surge of adrenaline rushing through your body and brain?  

Go for a walk, go for a drive, write in a journal, do an exercise video, frenetic house cleaning, wrestle with your younger child, stomp on cardboard boxes, etc. Your brain is in the fight/flight response so you don’t have access to logic until you’ve discharged that energy. 

Once you’ve calmed down, see if you can figure out why the lack of motivation scares you. (Hint: it’s going to be something about the future or the past). 

Bring yourself back to the present moment by listing facts that you know to be true about your kid. 

-He has a 2.5 gpa

-He chooses video games over reading books. 

-He doesn’t argue about going to soccer practice.

-He asked to go camping over spring break.

Listing true facts about your child will bring you back into the present moment, give you insights into who your child is today. 

The best way to motivate your teen is to give them a vision of adulthood that looks appealing. When we are stressed out, overworked and anxious, teens become disinterested in following in our footsteps.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Thinking you have to figure it out on your own

With information at our fingertips, it’s really easy to believe the toxic thought, “I should be able figure this out on my own.” 

This may sound logical, but notice how it makes you feel. 

My inner perfectionist used to love parenting books. I would learn new tools and tricks, feel empowered and confident, but two weeks later when I couldn’t uphold my new system, I felt defeated and inadequate. 

If learning what to do isn’t actually helping you get the RESULTS you want, it’s time to hire someone to help you. 

We waste so much time and energy thinking we should be able to figure things out ourselves when the solution may be simply having an expert by our side to uncover our blind spots and help us overcome our resistance. 

Why offer a tutor to a child who struggles with math? There are workbooks. Online websites and video games. You, or someone you know could help them. Why are private tutoring companies on the rise? Because nothing is faster and more effective than personalized learning with a compassionate human who is invested in your success. 

Why sign your kid up for swim lessons when you could teach them yourself? Because nothing is faster, cheaper and more effective at getting you the results you want than personalized learning with a compassionate human invested in your success. 

I was talking with a friend yesterday who told me she’d been working with a meditation teacher for the last 4 weeks. Meditation is sitting still and practicing thinking about nothing. I cannot imagine a more illogical thing to ask for help with, and yet, she said it made a huge difference. Knowing someone was invested in her success, helping her identify obstacles and overcome her resistance, proved to be extremely valuable to getting the results she wanted. 

Beware of the toxic thought, “I should be able to figure it out on my own” and focus instead on the quickest, most effective way to get the results you want.

 

Supermom PowerBoost - Your Zone of Genius

Hiring people to help you get the results you want in your life allows everyone to operate in their “zone of genius”. 

Gay Hendricks identifies 4 zones:

Zone of Genius 

Zone of Excellence 

Zone of Competence

Zone of Incompetence

 

When I spend my time cleaning my house, I’m operating in my Zone of Competence. I can do it, it’s not utilizing my highest skill set. I grumble and complain, I cut corners and feel resentful that I’m the only one working. 

When my house cleaner comes, she’s a whirlwind of tidy efficiency. She sees things I don’t see. She gets under, over, and inside. She treats my home like her personal work of art. She fixes, she beautifies, and blesses my home with her cheerfulness. I don’t know if it’s her Zone of Genius but she sure appears to be  pleased when she leaves my house. 

If I was to think “I can do it myself and so I should,” I would be robbing her of the opportunity to do the work she loves to do. 

If you really want to feel successful in your life, and feel like you are using your gifts and talents to make the world a better place, try to spend as much time as possible in your zone of genius.

Find opportunities to allow others to operate in their zone of genius. I can take photos of my kids myself, but I love hiring photographers to work their magic and see how much better theirs turn out. 

Hiring life coaches to give you the results you want in your life is also giving them the opportunity to be in their Zone of Genius. 

 

I think The Great Resignation is indicative of more people moving closer to their Zone of Genius. They are leaving jobs that aren’t as fulfilling for ones that are more in line with who they want to be. 

 

It’s easy to get stuck in your Zone of Excellence and Zone of Competence, but just because you are good at it, doesn’t mean it is worth your time. Delegate activities you do not love to others who do, and hire a coach to help you spend more time in your Zone of Genius. 

 

Quote of the Day:

“One of the most important things we do for our children is to present them with a version of adult life that is appealing and worth striving for.” Madeline Levine

Fed up with continuous disappointment

Episode 116 - Fed up with continuous disappointment

Dear Torie, 

I AM. SO. DONE. with frickin’ COVID. 

I don’t want to be one of those people who complains on social media so I thought I’d complain here so you can make something productive come out of it. 

In the big picture of things we are lucky. No one in our family has died or become seriously ill because of COVID. But the continuous disappointment is sucking the life out of me.

I’ve got kids who missed school dances, graduation parties, seasons of sports, birthday celebrations, starting freshman year with other humans, making friends, family reunions, summer camps and vacations. 

As Omicron rages and schools start talking about postponing in person learning and events, I start losing it. How am I supposed to hold it all together for my kids when I just want to throw a frickin’ temper tantrum?

Pissed in Pismo

How vision boards help you navigate uncertainty

We are living in some strange and unpredictable times.

It poses questions that are hard to answer:

Will schools go online?

Should I cancel my trip?

Am I going back to the office or working from home again?

How do I celebrate my child's birthday when her friends are too scared to gather in one room?

Our kids are looking to us for answers but we don't always have them because we are still relying on the old formula for success: Go to school. Get good grades. Do what you are told. Make friends. Go to college. Find a career.

 

The world is changing rapidly and instead of leaning on external rules to know how to live, we need to learn to tune into our own inner guidance system.

The tools I teach in my vision board workshop are exactly that.

How to know what is right for YOU. What does your HIGHER SELF want?

 

The way I teach vision boards is not about listening to the ego that has been watching commercials and shamed into thinking you aren't already good enough as you are.

Vision boards should be filled with photos that inspire us, make us feel fully alive, filled with possibilities, peace and joy. When people create vision boards from their ego, looking at them brings up feelings of inadequacy. No one needs fuel to believe they aren't already good enough.

 

You are invited to an online vision board workshop THIS SATURDAY to learn the skills to navigate uncertainty. 

We will create a mini-vision-board together over Zoom so you can tune into your higher self, get focused on creating a great year, and learn the tools to navigate uncertainty.

Only $49. if you register today!  A recording will be sent to those who register.

Click here to learn more and sign up:  www.lifecoachingforparents.com/vision-board-workshop

Who: Yourself (and your family if they want to join)

When: Saturday, January 15th 9amPT / 10amMT / 11amCT / 12pmET

Where: Your home! Over Zoom

What to bring: magazines, glue stick, blank paper and scissors.

Why: to get more YOU out of 2022

How: Click this link to sign up,then check your email for the Zoom link. Grab your supplies and login this Saturday at 9am Pacific.

Plagued by Indecision

Episode #115 - How do I help my anxious, indecisive child?

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie,

My 12 year old daughter gets really worked up when it’s time to make decisions. 

Right now I am watching her work herself up into a state over whether she should, or should not, return a gift she got for Christmas. Her anxiety shows up in little ways (should she go to a sleepover or not, what food to order off a menu) or bigger decisions like should she go out for the club team or stay in recreational league. I have tried many things to help her but nothing seems to work. 

The other night we were watching The Good Place together and she recognized herself in the character of Chidi. He tries so hard to make the right decisions it gives him chronic stomach aches, but his suffering causes other people to be annoyed by him. I think it’s the first time she realized that her struggle to make decisions affects others, not just herself. She doesn’t want her friends to be annoyed by her indecision (she could care less about annoying me!) 

She is motivated to change and asked me for help but I don’t know what to tell her. This is not a problem I understand or struggle with. Do you have suggestions to help someone who is plagued by indecision? 

Amanda

Parent Educator Answer: 

This type of anxiety is one that most therapists are trained to handle so starting with finding a psychologist to help her is my first recommendation. 

 

This is also the type of anxiety that is going to greatly affect YOU as her mom, so I am happy to help you understand it better so you can be a more effective resource to your daughter. 

 

Just like if your child was diagnosed with Celiac disease, you would learn everything you could about being gluten free and start making changes in your lifestyle to support your newly diagnosed child. You wouldn’t get annoyed at her for having Celiac, nor blame yourself for something you did. When it comes to mental health issues like anxiety or depression, I think we should take the same approach: learn, grieve, surrender, adapt, repeat. 

 

Amanda sounds like she has done all this. She accepts it without resistance, she’s tried offering suggestions, she doesn’t blame herself or daughter, so let’s learn more about it. 

 

Difficulty making decisions stems from perfectionism. We think perfectionism means needing to have a perfectly clean house, and it can be that, but generally it’s more about the belief “There is a right way and a wrong way, and I need to make sure I choose the right decision.” 

 

People who struggle to make decisions are trying to optimize their choice. Because they believe there is one right answer and the consequences of choosing the wrong answer are dire, “analysis paralysis” takes over and they get stuck considering countless data points and possible future outcomes. 

 

Being plagued by indecision sucks. The Good Place character Chidi has a chronic stomach ache and difficulty enjoying himself. When someone is stuck in anxious indecision they are unable to hear their intuitive voice. The fear blocks them from being able to listen to reason or gut instincts. 

 

Giving kids choices seems like a good thing, and it is in small doses, but too many choices can feel overwhelming. I remember taking my 5 year old to a candy shop and saying, “You can have anything you want in this whole store that fits into this little white bag.” I had a fantasy about how his eyes would widen and he would look at me with wonder and gratitude while he excitedly picked his way through the brightly colored bins. I was so busy reveling in what a cool mom I was that I didn’t notice his hunched over shoulders, furrowed brow. The more he weighed his options, the more weight seemed to fall on his shoulders. 

 

I remember seeing a Dad sweeping his arm around the periphery of Toys R Us exclaiming to his son, “You can have any toy you want in the whole store!” The dad was so proud of himself but after 5 minutes after they walked through the store, the boy was melting down in a fit of overwhelm, stress and indecision.

 

Research shows that “choice overload” causes people to be less satisfied and engage less with their final decision. Meaning they aren’t as happy with their decision as those who went with their gut, or those who made a half-hearted decision.

 

How can we help our kids who are plagued by indecision? 

 

If they are in a moment of paralyzed anxiety: 

• Sympathize and realize they are suffering even more than you are.
• Make decisions for them and eliminate the pressure. It’s nice to have someone to blame if it doesn’t work out. 
• Decide not to decide. Encourage your child to use take the energy used to wrestle with her decision elsewhere and give her brain a break. 

 

• Later when they are calmer:
  • Play the game “You are getting warmer”. Tell them that “the right answer” is hidden in the room and they have to figure out where it is. Help them realize that the only way to lose the game is to not take a step in any direction. Even if they step in a “colder” direction, it gives them helpful information to inform their next step. 
  • Point out some of the decisions they make on a daily basis that are easy. Show them how habits and routines reduce the number of decisions they need to make.
  • Practice celebrating mistakes. Talk about bad choices that turned out good. Share your poor decisions that turned into funny stories. 

Life Coaching Answer:

What gets in our way from being compassionate, helpful guides when our kids are melting down over seemingly nothing? 

Different brain states.

You are in your logical brain with full access to the big picture of life. 

Your daughter is in an anxious, fearful part of her brain. If she makes the “wrong” decision, her inner mean girl is going to start berating her telling her what a stupid loser she is. She is legitimately afraid of what she is going to say to herself, about herself. This is unconscious to her, but every perfectionist I’ve ever talked to has this as the ultimate worst-case scenario. A perfectionist might SAY the worst thing that will happen to them is they may regret their decision but always, it’s WHAT they will say to themselves if they regret it that is the absolute worst thing.

 

Being in different brain states can make it harder to understand where your child is coming from. It’s easy to get annoyed or exasperated because you aren’t thinking the way she is. But you can also use your different brain states to help elevate her mind to a higher consciousness.

 

I remember being in a Burger King, working myself into a fretful state trying to decide what to order. As the line grew longer with people behind me, the pressure I felt was as strong as the smell of french fry grease in the air. I was comparing calories and nutritional benefits, and trying to optimize my order to spend the least amount of money possible on the healthiest thing. I didn’t know what to order but felt pressured to make the best decision in a short period of time. Finally, I stepped aside and let those in line behind me go through so I could have more time with my weird math/health problem. I was so enveloped in my indecision I couldn’t see how ridiculous I was being. 

 

It wasn’t until my husband pointed out (kindly and sarcastically) that saving $1.25 while eating junk food was not creating the quality experience he looked for in an outing to Burger King. He suggested “enjoyment of the dining experience” was more important than extra coins or calories. 

 

Of course he was right. It was a silly thing to get riled up over, but my brain was in fear, perfectionism, and maximizing opportunity. When he talked about his values and priorities in a light hearted way, it shifted my brain out of fear and into a higher state. 

 

When we think about what we want and what’s important to us in the long run, it shifts us into a higher state of consciousness.

 

Einstein often said that “We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." 

 

The best way to help your daughter make decisions is to help her shift her mental state into relaxation, love, or optimism. One way to do this is by playing the metaphor game.

 

If there is a decision that really does belong to your daughter, remind her that she is safe and loved, no matter what she chooses. That if she regrets it later, she can always pivot and no one will be mad at her. 

 

Let’s say she’s trying to decide if she should attend a sleepover and her mind is spinning in circles considering all the what-ifs (what if she wants to come home, what if everyone is on their phones, what about covid, will her friends talk about her if she’s not there, etc.).

 

Her anxious brain is not going to help her decide. Instead, look out the window or go for a walk and play the metaphor game. 

 

How is my indecision to go to the sleepover like this tree?

 From far away, it looks like a simple ordinary tree, but when you look closely, there is a root growing over another root, strangling the tree’s access to nutrients. This tree looks healthy but it’s struggling, kind of like me. I look the same on the outside but because of my anxiety, I’m not getting full access to my intuition and higher brain.

 

How is my indecision to go to the sleepover like that frozen lake?

People look at me and think they understand me. I look cool and calm like that lake. But once you get out onto the lake, you realize I can be fragile and unpredictable. I’ve got waters underneath me that run deep and are filled with wildness. Maybe I want to go to a sleepover where people know the wild and deep version of me, not just the cool and calm version. 

 

The beautiful thing about the metaphor game is that it’s a game. There is no right or wrong answer. The purpose is to stretch the imagination with levity, but the result is that it shifts us to the right hemisphere of our brain where our calm knowing lies, giving us access to that beloved intuition we all yearn for. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - "What if's"?

 

Part of what causes doubt, uncertainty, and decision anxiety is thinking about all the “What-ifs” that may occur. Google “decision making frameworks” and you will be overwhelmed with templates and flow charts to help you analyze and maximize all the potential outcomes to help you make the best possible decision. 

 

Trying to anticipate all the possible “what if” future scenarios will drain our energy and drive us crazy. Sometimes, indecision is a sign that you need more information. Doing research and gathering data can help us make an informed decision, other times, it keeps us stuck in a mental hurricane.

 

When trying to decide something, know your values and do your due diligence. Weigh your options, but as soon as you are turning up the same information over and over, it’s time to go with your gut. 

 

Ask yourself does this choice feel like bondage or liberation? Go with the step that feels like freedom.

 

 

Supermom Power Boost -  Hot Tubs

I am a huge fan of hot tubs. I can count on one hand the number of years I lived without one. I love having one, especially during COVID. If you have considered buying a used one off Next Door, or you have wanted one but your partner doesn’t think you will use it enough, perhaps this list will help you pull the trigger and make a big decision that you won’t regret. (and if you do, tell your inner mean girl to blame me). 

Here’s 10 reasons why hot tubs aren’t just for Californians but the perfect thing for Supermoms. 

 

1. You can experience a deep relaxation without leaving your property. 
2. It’s close enough to home to bring a baby monitor but far away enough to act as your sanctuary.
3. Your kids will practice “swimming” all year round so when summer comes, they aren’t afraid of the water and they feel confident holding their breath. 
4. It’s a great place for deeper conversations with your teens or tweens (if they get uncomfortable they just dunk under water).
5. It feels like a break, another place to go after being home all day.
6. It extends your day. You can be outside longer without freezing your tushy during these dark, winter days.
7. Somehow it helps siblings get along better. They use their imaginations and make up games. 
8. Depending on the age of your kids, they can go in with only distant supervision while you enjoy the peace and quiet in your house. 
9. Your body will thank you. 
10. You can read or play music but NO CELL PHONES in the hot tub! 

 

Quote of the Day:

“Always make decisions that prioritize your inner peace.” Izey Victoria Odiase

Last on my list

Episode #114 - Last on My List

Question of the Day:

Dear Torie,

There are things I want to do that are important to me, but I can’t seem to follow through on them. For example, I want to exercise more regularly. I know that it makes me a better mom. When I’ve been exercising my mind is clearer, I’m in a better mood, and I make better choices. 

I will bend over backwards to make sure my daughter never misses a gymnastics practice but when it comes to my exercise class, it takes very little for me to flake. “I don’t have time.” “My daughter needs me.” “I’m tired” “They raised their prices” “It’s cold outside”. The excuses sound really legit in the moment, but after I can see they were just excuses. 

I’ve got the opportunity to go on a weekend getaway with some girlfriends and I REALLY want to go but it’s near my son’s birthday. My husband and kids are totally fine with me going but I feel funny about it. I can tell I’m looking for reasons WHY I shouldn’t go even though I know they are excuses! 

I want to put myself first on my list and prioritize what I want (my kids are 9 and 11 so it’s not like they are still young and needy) but I can’t seem to follow through on this goal. How do I learn to put myself first on my list when it feels so awkward.

Sandra

 

Parent Educator Answer:  Developmental Milestones. 

Let’s imagine there are developmental milestones for moms just like there are for kids. We want to see nine to eleven year olds forming more complex friendships, becoming more independent from family, being physically active and learning to put themselves into other people’s shoes.

 

Moms of nine to eleven-year-olds have spent their last decade fully immersed in the raising of kids. You have embraced your mom identity, your friendships and social life may revolve around kid activities, and you spend a lot of time managing household logistics. You are busy, but your kids are not as dependent on you as when they were little. You can leave them at home while you exercise. They are happy to stay home while you go grocery shopping. They don’t need constant attention and supervision, so now is the perfect time to start putting yourself higher on your priority list. 

 

The problem is that your brain hasn’t gotten the update. It’s still set on the “If I leave them at home they could die” setting. When they were three and five, you leaving them at home could have resulted in child endangerment, neglect, or at least some social shaming. We learn to suppress our urges and desires to take care of our kids. But the brain doesn’t automatically get the update that leaving them isn’t selfish or dangerous, we have to convince the brain. 

 

How to change the habit of self-sacrificing for your kids when it’s no longer necessary:

1. Don’t beat yourself up for it. So you aren’t good at prioritizing yourself, so what? The last thing you need is extra pressure from thoughts like, “I should be better at this” or “I suck at self care.” It’s been a habit for 11 years! Cut yourself some slack and set an intention to slowly and gradually bring your attention back onto you. 
2. Become aware of the lies and excuses you are telling yourself. Sandra did a great job of doing this in her question. She’s totally onto herself, but many moms aren’t. Whenever you hear yourself say, “I don’t have time or money,” don’t believe it. If your child needed a $5,000 surgery, you would come up with the time and money. A truer statement is, “I don’t see the VALUE in me exercising, having fun, or relaxing” or “I don’t think I’m worthy of my own time and attention.” “I think my kids’ exercise and social life is more important than mine.” These statements create a cognitive dissonance that motivates productive action. 
3. Ask for permission. If we think our families will suffer while we go have fun, we aren’t going to do it. Ask your kids, “Will you be sad if I go to Bunco on Thursday night?” Ask your partner, “Would you be bummed if I took Saturday off and went to the movies by myself?” Think about things that sound delicious to you (weekends away, girl trips, yoga retreats, etc.) and ask your family how they would feel about you going. If they say they wouldn’t mind, and they want you to be happy, believe them. 
4. Create some structured time in your day for reflection and intention. My clients who make the most dramatic changes are those who establish a daily journal writing practice or regular time to check in and make sure they are focused on their goals. It’s too easy to let the chaos of the day take you for a ride on the “gotta get it done” train. Having a set time everyday to refocus on what you want is a powerful practice to re-learn how to prioritize yourself.

 

 

Life Coaching Answer:  Social Programming

We are policed by invisible social programming and we don’t even realize it. Whether it comes from our families, TV, books, friends, pediatricians, commercials, social media, these messages are out there and we soak them up like a sponge. 

“A good mom should want to be with her kids as much as possible.”

“I’m away from my kids at work so I can’t be away from them on weekends.”

“It’s selfish to put your needs before your children’s needs.” 

“Must be nice to just do whatever you want.”

“I could NEVER send my kid to sleep away camp just so I could have a break.” 

“I wish I could work out everyday but my kid (or partner) needs me at home.”

 

Our culture allows working, and occasional exercise, as noble pursuits and justifiable reasons to be away from your children, so it’s a little easier for us to value these things. But if you just want a day away from your kids to rest, play and indulge in a little luxury, prepare yourself for internal or external social backlash. 

 

This is why I’m so excited to announce my in person, mini-retreat for Moms who struggle to prioritize themselves. I’m calling it More YOU in 2022.

 

Since it’s social programming that keeps us stuck in self-sacrificing, why not use  peer pressure to encourage self-prioritizing? Instead of obeying these unwritten, invisible social rules that keep us stuck, why not bring together a group of real moms, with real voices, encouraging each other to prioritize themselves. This is the fastest way to rewire the brain and start believing that taking care of yourself is a beautiful thing. 

 

It’s easier to see in others than in ourselves. I was talking with a Supermom this morning and I asked her how her life would be different if every morning she woke up and believed that taking care of herself was the most important thing. It was hard for her, but slowly a picture started to form of a happier, more relaxed mom. She imagined putting her needs first would help her be more patient, more easy going. She could finally drop the resentment she’d been carrying around about how hard she was working and relax. Once she rested, it would be easier to let go of the mental clutter. She saw herself being more organized and productive. Right now, she wakes up in the morning thinking, “What needs to get done?” She puts herself on the bottom of the list, trying to get all her chores done first before making time for fun. She thinks this is going to make her be more organized and productive but it actually drains her energy, making her feel resentful and exhausted. Just that simple switch of putting herself first, gave her the result she wanted: a productive, organized, joyful and fulfilling life. 

 

Another mom was pretty good at making time for exercise, but when I asked her what her life would look like if she put herself first, she didn’t know. She was very aware of what her kids wanted, her husband, even the dog, but her brain wasn’t used to thinking about what SHE wanted. After some encouragement, she was able to dream about home remodeling projects she’d like to take on, parties she’d like to host, and some exciting career shifts she’d like to pursue. Not knowing the exact next step to take was keeping her stuck in uncertainty, but the more we talked, the more clarity she gained around what a future of putting herself first would look like. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite: The Narcissist in the closet

It is not uncommon for Supermoms to suppress their own desires out of fear. Fear that if they indulge their selfish desires, they will unleash a self absorbed narcissist that has been lurking in their closet. They have an idea that without constant policing and self pressure, their true selfish nature will emerge and they will abandon their children for a life of jet-setting and indulgence. 

I have never seen this happen. 

 

The reality is, when Supermoms start prioritizing themselves, they soften. They become relaxed, more easy going, and happier. Before they hung out with their kids out of obligation, now they hang out with them by choice. 

 

Children and adolescents who have parents that aren’t available to them 24/7, learn to be more independent and self reliant. This builds their competence, which builds their confidence, something moms can’t give kids when they are always there to help. 

 

Instead of suppressing your desires for fear you will become overly selfish and self-indulgent, try doing fun things and see what happens.

 

How do you feel when you’ve ditched the guilt and had some fun? Fill up your tank first, and see which version of mom comes back home after. Don’t take my word for it, try it and see if you enjoy being a mom more, once you’ve reconnected with the other parts of you. 

 

Supermom Power Boost:  Be a Role Model

Sometimes we can get so caught up being there for our kids as a helper, taskmaster, and advisor, we forget that the number one way kids learn is by imitation. 

 

Instead of telling your kids to “Do work you love” and “Follow your dreams because anything is possible,” why not show them? 

 

Your children (especially your daughters) are much more likely to follow in your footsteps than do what you tell them. Do you want your daughter to put herself last and sacrifice herself for her kids? If not, then you’ve got a powerful opportunity to model and show her how to live a fulfilling life. 

 

Putting yourself first on your to-do list might sound selfish, but it is truly one of the most generous gifts you can give your family. No one else is going to take care of you. You are the only one who can decide what you want, what brings you joy and fulfillment. You are the only one who can take action steps towards living aligned with your highest self. When we do this, we give our families the best version of us. We give our kids an example of how to live a life aligned with your highest values.  We role model for our kids how to opt out of social and cultural peer pressure to live a life we love.

 

Quote of the Day:

"The tendency to self sacrifice is just a form of wasting life." Henry de Montherlant

I need her to be happy

Episode #113 - I need my teen to be happy

Question of the Day: 

Dear Torie,

My daughter is cutting herself. The knowledge of this is ripping my heart out. The only thing I ever wanted is for my kids to be happy and clearly she is not. 

My head spins in circles all day wondering what I did wrong, worrying about whether her therapist is truly helping, whether I’m doing enough, blaming her Dad, stupid COVID, social media. I need her to be happy. Why can’t she do a better job of managing her mental and emotional health? The stress of this situation is overwhelming me. 

I want to be a good resource to her and I have been. When I’m with her, I say the right things. If you were watching me interact with her, you’d think I had my act together. But on the inside, I’m a mess. How can I help my daughter get through this phase and find happiness, without losing my mind? 

Ava

Parent Educator Answer: 

Cutting is a form of self-harm. Self-harm is not new, it’s been around for a long time and encompasses things like cutting, scratching, hitting oneself, burning the skin, hitting one’s head against the wall, pulling hair from the head, picking at wounds, pinching, or biting skin. 

 

Teens use self-harm to help them deal with emotional pain. It doesn’t mean they are crazy or suicidal, they just want relief from the invisible pain and pressure inside them. Self-injury offers a way to feel in control of the suffering, to provide a physical manifestation of what they feel internally, and releases some endorphins providing a mood boost. 

 

When you learn that your child is cutting, it’s an opportunity to get them the help they need so they can learn to process emotions in a healthy way. This is not a job you can or should take on yourself. Even if you have your graduate degree in psychotherapy and have completed your 3,000 hours of practice, your child still deserves an outsider’s perspective with a professional skill set and a trusting relationship with another adult. 

 

There are a lot of things you can do as a mom to help. Carrying the burden of your child’s mental and emotional well being is not one of them. 

1. Ask her directly if she is engaging in self harm without judgement or worry. 
2. Validate her negative emotions with this powerful 3-word-sentence, “You feel ________.” 
3. Brainstorm activities your teen can do when she feels stressed out.
4. Encourage your teen to put feelings into words. This could bewith you, talking with friends, or in a journal or workbook.
5. Create opportunities for fun, either with you or with her friends.
6. Set a good example. Talk out loud about your emotions and how you process them in healthy ways.
7. Hold a higher vision for her future that includes overcoming self harm. 

 

 

Life Coaching Answer:  What gets in the way of being a loving, helpful and supportive mom who feels peaceful on the inside, not just shows it on the outside? 

Needing your child to be happy. 

 

It sounds strange that “needing your child to be happy” causes us unhappiness.

Of course we want our kids to be happy! It’s all we’ve ever really wanted. It’s why we get up at 3am to change their wet bed sheets. It’s why we clean up their vomit and wipe their butts. It’s why we drive them all over town to soccer games, gymnastics meets, and birthday parties—to make them happy! It’s why we give them candy, cookies and toys they don’t need. 

 

Or is it? 

Maybe we get up at 3 am because we love them. Maybe we clean their vomit and wipe their butts because we think that’s what a good mom would do. Maybe we drive them all over town because we are giving to them what we wish we had. Maybe we give them candy and treats because WE LIKE seeing them happy. 

 

What if all the work we have done while raising kids has been for US? That the idea “I’m doing all this so she will be happy” was just a lie? What if we DON’T need our kids to be happy in order to feel like a good, loving mom. Perhaps we do kind and loving things for our kids because it feels good to be kind and loving. When they experience negative emotions, as they will about 50% of the time (being human and all), what if we could still be kind, loving, and believe we are good mothers who are doing the right thing? 

 

When we think the thought, “I need you to be happy” it feels terrible. We take all our power to feel good about the job we are doing as mom and we put it in the hands of a struggling, unhappy teenager! This feels terrible to us and to our teen. NEEDING our kids to be happy feels like dependency and control.  

 

What if you don’t need her to be happy? What if you can allow her to be unhappy without making it mean you have done something wrong? We don’t know what her life’s journey will include, but we do know that she signed up for a human experience that includes pain and suffering. 

 

We try to control our kid’s happiness so we don’t have to experience fear. But if we can work on releasing our own fears, we give our children the gift of a sane and healthy mom. 

 

Do not try releasing fear by suppressing it, pretending it’s not there, or beating yourself up for being scared. This is counter-productive. It’s really helpful to have a compassionate witness who can help you uncover the things that scare you and walk you through a process of dissolving the fear. This is a difficult thing for a mom who clearly loves her daughter very much. You deserve to have support for yourself so that you can be a caring and compassionate support for your daughter.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Matching Pictures

When our kids are harming themselves, it is easy to match that energy and use this circumstance to harm ourselves. We imagine all this pain and suffering our child is experiencing and this projecting causes us to suffer. We go to guilt with thoughts like: “it’s my fault, I did something wrong, I’ve failed.” We blame ourselves, or others, which keeps us stuck in negative emotions. Even though it’s a natural reaction, it isn’t a helpful one. This is the default setting of the ego. Instead of focusing on what we want to create with deliberate intention, we let other people or circumstances take us on a roller coaster ride that isn’t much fun. 

 

Use this as an opportunity to set a clear intention and focus on what YOU want to FEEL (not what you want her to feel or do). Do you want to feel peaceful? Focus on the peace all around you. Want to feel confident? Focus on all the areas where you feel that emotion. Don’t keep your attention on the one thing that makes you most scared. Broaden your field of vision so you can create more of what you want by focusing your attention. 

 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Name 5 things you see before you. 

 

I used to have A LOT of FEAR!  I could go into any situation and find something to be scared of. I could be in a spa getting a massage and worry about how much money I was spending or whether the masseuse was going to talk the whole time. I would go on a hike in nature and worry about someone raping me or being attacked by a mountain lion. My mind, on default, came up with all sorts of scary things to worry about. Having unhappy kids was an especially big trigger for me to imagine scary future scenarios.

 

When I was learning to let go of fear, one of the most valuable things I started doing was naming 5 things I could see right in front of me. A computer, a light, a piece of paper, a book, a pen. Naming things you see takes you out of anxiety brain and into the present moment. I would ask myself, “Is there any immediate threat?Am I about to die of starvation or exposure?Is anyone attacking me?” Despite the scary and vivid pictures my mind was conjuring up, these questions forced my brain to acknowledge the truth that, right then, I was safe. 

 

Once I acknowledged that it was my anxiety talking and not reality, I could take some deep breaths, soften my muscles and realign with the present moment. Right now, in this moment, all is well. Once I calmed down, I would repeat this sentence, “I trust myself to rise to the occasion if something bad were to happen in the future.” I reminded myself that I don’t have to anticipate future bad things happening as a way to prepare myself. I can breathe and relax and trust that I will handle whatever comes my way, when it comes. 

Quote of the Day: 

"Fear and Love can never be experienced at the same time. It is always our choice as to which of these emotions we want. By choosing Love more consistently than fear, we can change the nature and quality of our relationships." Gerald Jampolsky