Supermom is Getting Tired

Nervous about having kids all summer? Here's how to enjoy it.

Help Torie! I am nervous about the summer! I’m a stay home mom and I WANT to be one of those chill moms that loves hanging out by the pool sipping lemonade. My kids are 5, 7 and 9 so I’ve done this enough times to know that I’m not a great summer-mom. I love the structure that the school year provides but I’m not good at creating structure for myself at home. I signed them up for swim lessons and some other activities but I’m nervous about not getting enough time by myself. I have friends that love the slow paced, lazy days of summer. I like the idea of it but the reality is, I'll probably be crazy by July. How can I make the most of my summer?        -Stephanie

Parent Educator Answer:

Summertime is important for the mental, emotional and physical health of children. There are two pass times that will optimize this quality time for kids: downtime and pursuing passions.

Children’s brains need the lazy, slow paced days of summer to integrate learning, build relationships, and recalibrate to life without stress. It’s also a great time to discover and pursue passions that they might not have time for during the school year. If your child loves baking, allowing her extra time to do get creative in the kitchen is a great use of summer. Whether it’s building a hammock out of duct tape or learning to dive into the pool, giving kids time to choose activities freely increases the motivation parts of their brains.

Sorry kids, (and tired moms), the negative consequences of screen time on children’s physical, mental and emotional health are still out weighing any positive effects. Find passions to pursue in the real world to maximize summer. TV and video games are too physiologically stressful to be considered down time.

Life Coaching Answer: With the kids squared away, it’s time to talk about MOM.

Stephanie, you sound like a classic "obliger". Gretchen Rubin wrote a book called The Four Tendencies which describes 4 different tendencies that come into play when someone wants to take change a habit. One tendency she calls, obliger. Obligers have an easy time meeting EXTERNAL expectations (we show up on time for appointments, we remember to attend Back to School nights, etc.) but we have a hard time with INTERNAL expectations (going to the gym, making time for ourselves, etc.)

You say you do well with the structure of school, but are worried about getting enough time by yourself. Other tendencies (Upholder and Questioner) have an easy time meeting INTERNAL expectations. Meaning, if they want to lay in the sun and read a book everyday, they do it. If they want to work out, they head to the gym easily without any drama. The problem for Obligers is the KIDS start to take on the role of “external expectations”.

It’s easy for us to obey the demands of others: “Mom, can you drive me to Sophie’s?” “Mom, I’m hungry.” “Mom, can we go to the pool today?”

It’s almost like we lose the ability to hear our own voice. We feel imprisoned by the demands of our kids. Waiting for them to be happy and satisfied before we can listen to our own voice.

Obliger moms have an especially hard time being home with kids all day.

Rather than wishing you were the kind of mom who can just chill and enjoy a slow paced summer, learning to work with your natural tendency will make life much easier. Here are 4 tips to help obliger moms enjoy summer more.

1. Recognize that waiting for your children to be happy and satisfied isn’t working. They will never push you out the door saying, “Go take care of yourself now, Mom!” If you want to feel better this summer, it’s going to have to come from your desire to give your kids a happy summer mommy.
2. Start everyday with a paper and pen, asking yourself “What would I LOVE to accomplish today?” “How do I want to feel while accomplishing these things?” “When I look back on my day before going to bed, what will I be most proud of?” Sit in the driver’s seat of your brain and tell it what to focus on.
3. Build in external expectations. Have a friend meet you at the gym. Tell your kids you have an appointment with your book at 3:00 and it’s their job to make sure you don’t miss it. Sign up for a class for YOURSELF. Make an appointment with a life coach.
4. Use a timer as your external accountability: "I have 15 minutes to clean and then I get to relax." or "I will drive you to your friend's house if you'll let me read for 30 minutes first." The world benefits from obligers, but putting ourselves last has a cost to it. It's time to prioritize your goals, dreams and desires, and show your kids the value of pursuing things that are important to you.

Supermom Kryptonite: Compare and despair.

It’s so easy to “compare and despair”. We go on Pinterest or Instagram and see other Moms so happy and creative, we think we should be different than we are. Everyone else appears to be having an easier time than us so we assume we should be different.

Instead, try thinking about adapting your life as a mom to your particular personality. If you like external expectations, sign up for classes and make appointments with friends and life coaches to help you work towards your goals. If you are introverted and need extra time to be inside your own head, respect that and check into a hotel by yourself for 2 nights.

Take time everyday to reflect on how things are going: What do you miss? What do you yearn for? Motherhood is not a one-size-fits-all. The goal is to give your kids a happy, fulfilled mom. Make sure you are paying attention to who you are and what you want, rather than what everyone else is doing.

 

Supermom Power Boost - Read the book, The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

Understanding your tendency can help you have compassion for yourself and others. Compassion always feels good and boosts our energy. If you get frustrated with yourself, "Why can't I be more easy going?" or "Why is it so hard for me to break this bad habit?" this book will help answer your questions. There's no one tendency that's better than another (although Gretchen Rubin says Obligers don't tend to like being obligers, where the other tendencies enjoy themselves more).

I WISH this book had been required reading before marrying my "Rebel" husband. It would have saved me many years of frustration, trying to get him to do what I wanted him to do. Raising a rebel child came with it's own brand of craziness. Since all teenagers have a rebellious streak, I recommend reading how to motivate a rebel for anyone raising an adolescent.

Whether you are an Obliger, Rebel, Questioner, or Upholder, understanding and ACCEPTING your tendency makes life easier and more fun. We tend to project our expectations onto our family, thinking they should be more like us. When you identify your loved ones tendencies, it's easier to enjoy them for who they are.

Quote:

“One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.” Gretchen Rubin

When your kid holds a grudge

Today's Question:

Hello! I LOVE and look forward to listening to your podcast!

I have three girls: 13, 11, and 9. My 9 year old is a very bright, confident, gregarious, and tenacious young child. I do think that these are very strong qualities, but wonder if they get in the way of peer relations. She has a wide variety of friends. I used to be worried that she did not have that one special friend, but realized after listening to one of your podcasts that that is okay.

The issue lies in that if a peer says or does anything negative to her, she A: doesen't forget it, B: continues to remind her peer of it, and C: tells her peer that she is not her friend. Like any 3rd grader, this peer is now hurt and upset. It's as though my child does not care and sees no remorse.

I have conversations with her about this and it's so hard for her to change. I don't know what to do!  Thank you so much for your guidance!  - Andria

Parent Educator Answer:

It is so hard to watch your daughter behave in ways that are not aligned with your values, but it's a great opportunity to talk about empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Some kids naturally pick up on social cues and don’t need to be taught how to use empathy to connect with others. Other kids do need to be taught. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with these children, they are perfectly normal, but it can make a supermom cringe when she watches her child navigate the nuances of friendships.

Kids who struggle to show empathy usually do so for two reasons.

1. They aren’t easily hurt by others so can’t relate.
2. They are VERY deeply hurt by others.

I asked Andria which category she thought her daughter fell into. Her initial reaction was that her daughter was “unaffected” but after further consideration, she thinks perhaps she is deeply wounded by slights from friends and that is why she is so dismissive. Andria said she is very caring with young children and animals which signals a profound sense of empathy.

When we feel hurt, it is human nature to want to hurt back. Picture a porcupine, whose quills lay soft and flat until threatened, then stand sharply to deter anyone from getting close. Instead of crying, and showing her hurt, it sounds like Andria’s daughter shoves it down and gets "prickly" like a porcupine.

There isn’t a lot mom can do to change her daughter’s personality.  This is how she is wired. But I will give you some tips to support her softer side.

1. Acknowledge her hurt. Even though she will deny it, you can show compassion to her saying words like, “Boy, if someone said that to me I would feel hurt.” or “I feel so sad when my friends leave me out.”
2. Find opportunities for her to hang out with children, animals, the elderly, or disabled. She feels safe letting her vulnerable side show around these sensitive souls, encourage it!  Kids like this turn into advocates for social justice! Find volunteer opportunities for her to let her softer side show and start effecting change in her community.
3. Make her rigidity work for you. All kids think in black and white, “If I’m not smart, I must be dumb.” “If she said something mean, she’s a mean person.” This good/bad, right/wrong thinking can keep a kid stuck in a negative pattern. You can use this to your advantage by asking black and white questions like:

“Do you want to live in a nice world or a mean world?”

“Do you think people should be kind or rude?”

“Would you prefer to have no friends or some friends?”

     If she wants to live in a nice world, then it’s up to her to be nice, no matter what everyone else does. If she wants to have friends, it’s up to her to act like a friend even when they don’t deserve it (in her opinion). Letting her think about the kind of world she wants to live in, moves her attention from this small little hurtful comment (where she feels powerless), to the big picture where she can do something about the injustice she feels.

Life Coaching Answer: 

What gets in our way when our daughter is cold, prickly, and mean? All sorts of  fearful catastrophic thinking! "She's never going to have any friends" "She's a b*tch" "Nobody's going to want to be around her" "She doesn't care about people." And of course, whenever we see bad behavior in our kids, we fall into the conclusion that "I must not be doing a good enough job as a mother."

When we think these dramatic thoughts, we get scared. When we get scared, we get mad (hello porcupine!). We start telling her to be nicer, stop holding a grudge, forgive and forget. There's nothing wrong with this advice except for that it's rooted in our own fears. She picks up on our judgmental, "you need to change now" energy, feels a feeling, and shuts down. She acts cold and aloof. This makes us get meaner, in order to try and get an emotional reaction out of her. We escalate our words, trying to break her down, which only makes her more cold and aloof towards us.

We've got to keep an eye on our thoughts, making sure they help us feel like the parent we want to be. In order to allow our sensitive kids to show their softer side, we need a soft place for them to fall. How do you get a porcupine to lay down her quills?  Sit still, be calm, and give her time to feel safe again.

This personality trait of your daughter's has nothing to do with you as a mom. If you can be soft and gentle with her, she will know you have her back, no matter how many people say mean things to her. Eventually, she may look around and find she doesn't have any friends. Then she may be receptive to your helpful advice. More likely, she will be the one who befriends the kid on the "buddy bench" at school, advocates for the disabled kid, and is friends with the bad boy no one wants to be with.

The world is made up of all kinds. You can teach her appropriate social behavior from a place of acceptance and gentleness.

Instead of "futurizing and catastrophizing," share your vision of her in the future. Say things like:

"Someday, you will realize that most people mean well, even if they don't always say the right things."

"People make mistakes all the time, someday you will learn that forgiveness feels better than being right."

"You care so deeply about others, it's this compassion of yours that is going to make the world a better place." 

 

Supermom Kryptonite: Parenting from Fear

This is a sneaky one. Our words and actions can be exactly the same, but when we are rooted in fear, our kids pick up on our neediness and push us away. For example, your 14 year old daughter comes downstairs looking sexy in a short skirt and tube top, ready to go out. Your mind immediately jumps to "OMG NO! Too sexy. Sexual predators! Kidnapping and human trafficking! Boys! Dirty old men! What will people think? Embarrassed."

The words that pop out are, "No. You are not wearing that. You need to change NOW."

She argues, complains, then pops her outfit into her purse and changes as soon as she leaves the house."

If she comes downstairs wearing the same outfit, you might get a different result if your thoughts are calm and inquisitive... "Is that outfit aligned with our family values?"  "Would I have worn that when I was her age?" "What is the statistical probability that something bad will happen to her because she is wearing that outfit?"

You might say, "No, that outfit is not aligned with our family values. Go put on something more modest, please."

This calm, clear, confident energy is much more likely to yield a positive result. She might argue, but she would match your energy, doing so calmly and logically.

Whenever there is behavior you want to change in yourself or your child, be sure you are rooted in positive emotion rather than fear.

Supermom Power Boost:

Choose a spirit animal. Do you have a favorite animal? Do you find yourself intrigued by certain animals? Learn more about them and see what they have to teach you. If you love sloths, it could be your higher self saying it's time to slow down and chill.  Are you drawn towards elephants? Maybe you are yearning to feel supported by a larger community.

Andria's daughter could learn more about the porcupine as a compassionate way to learn more about herself. We don't argue with reality thinking, "porcupines shouldn't be so prickly" we accept them for who they are and learn to live with them peacefully.

 

Quote of the day:

"Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree, It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid." -Albert Einstein 

Managing May craziness without overwhelm

Question of the Day - "I feel so overwhelmed with the "end of school year" craziness. I’ve got 3 little kids and their 3 teachers are asking so many things of me: bring $5 for a field trip, send brownies for a party, send in a baby picture for kinder-graduation, black pants for the performance, flower and card for teacher appreciation, and on and on. Not to mention end of year gifts for the teacher, my son’s birthday, my niece’s high school graduation AND requests for my TIME! I’m supposed to volunteer at the festival, watch the end of year performance, and chaperone the field trip?!?!  My brain is ready to explode! This is all fun stuff so I feel guilty complaining, but how the heck do people manage the May crazies without getting overwhelmed?"     - Lindsay

 

Parent Educator Answer:

I remember feeling exactly the same way when my kids were little. I was out walking my dog one December feeling totally overwhelmed with trying to remember all the things I had to do. I ran into my neighbor who had 5 KIDS, was homeschooling 3 of them, and was very involved with church activities. Surely, she could relate to my struggle of feeling overwhelmed trying to manage the details of many lives. I said, “You must be going crazy, too, trying to remember all the details, celebrations, gifts and events with 5 kids! How are you not overwhelmed?”  She looked at me contemplatively and calmly replied, “Well, I have a lot of lists.”

The most common cause of overwhelm during busy months like May and December is trying to hold too many things in your head at one time. Writing everything down gets it all out of your head so you don’t have to “try to remember.” If you trust yourself to check your lists and follow through, this (theoretically) frees up your brain so you don't have to hold too many things in your head at one time.

It’s like having too many browser tabs open on your computer at one time. Sometimes the computer can’t process it all and it slows down and starts taking forever to load. It needs extra time to process everything. When we have too many thoughts in our head, we also begin to slow down and become less productive. 

Writing things down is like closing some of those browser windows so there are fewer things to think about it.

If you do have a lot of lists and you still feel overwhelmed, take it three steps further:

1. Break things into categories. Everything you need to buy can be compiled into one list rather than making multiple trips. All phone calls get done at one time.
2. Write how long you think each task will take. Sometimes we procrastinate on things we really don’t want to do, but when you realize that one email you don’t want to write will only take 5 minutes, it makes it seem less daunting and you get it done with more easily.
3. Choose a date and time on your calendar to complete it. Putting it on the calendar will help you see your schedule and how much time you actually have.

The list looks like this:

1. Buy 13 toys for the preschool summer fun basket. (40 min. Tuesday @ 7:00pm)
2. Have Sophie make a card for her teacher. (10 min. Sunday @ 2:00pm)
3. Buy fruit and make a fruit platter for end of year party. (60 min. Thursday @ 8:00pm)

All you need to do is check your calendar and obey it. If someone asks, “Can you drive kids to the park for field day?” You will know if you can or cannot by looking at your calendar.

Life Coaching answer: 

What gets in the way from implementing this tried and true method for reducing overwhelm?  Perfectionism.

I have not encountered an overwhelmed mom yet who did not have some sort of perfectionism (myself included). Inside our heads it sounds something like this:

1. “I have to do everything right.”
2. “I should do everything they are asking me to do.”
3. “I need to contribute and do my part.”
4. “I need to be there for my kids.”
5. “I can’t forget anything.”

Everything that make us such reliable, responsible Supermoms overwhelms us when too many external expectations are put upon us. It all seems equally urgent and important!

Why can’t we be one of those moms who just “phones it in” and doesn’t stress?

Because we are not kind to ourselves if we drop the ball.

“Oh my gosh, I’m such an idiot, I can’t believe I forgot the coach's gift!”

“Every other kid had their baby picture. I’m such a terrible mother!”

“What is wrong with me? How could I forget the baseball banquet? I’m such a loser.”

Other moms can drop the ball occasionally because they are quick to forgive themselves when they do.

What keeps us feeling crazy and overwhelmed? The fear of WHAT we are going to say to OURSELVES, about ourselves, when we screw up.

To feel more calm and more in control, you’ve got to commit to being nice to yourself no matter what. Practice saying things like this:

• “Oh well, no big deal.”
• “I’ve contributed plenty this year already.”
• “I give myself permission to drop the ball”

 

Not only will you feel calmer and more clear headed, but you will be modeling for your kids how to let go of perfectionism and forgive yourself for being an ordinary human.

No doubt about it, you are a Supermom; but trying to be perfect in May and December can be too much. Sometimes you just need to hang up the cape.

 

Supermom Kryptonite:

Trying not to drop any balls. Picture a juggler with 5 balls in the air. He is focused; whole body tense. He might smile and talk, but he can’t really relax. Most of his attention has to stay on juggling those 5 balls. Now imagine he is juggling these balls for 12 hours a day. EXHAUSTING.

Give yourself permission to drop some balls. Decide ahead of time which balls to drop or just commit to being kind to yourself when the inevitable ball drops.

You are not perfect, you are human, and human beings forget things, flake, and make mistakes.

 

Supermom Powerboost: 

When we are exhausted, overwhelmed, and crazy, we just need to be with people who understand us. The Holderness Family does a great job of laughing at the craziness that comes with modern day parenting. They are famous youtubers who make funny videos that make us crazy Supermoms feel seen, heard, and felt. Their recent Maycember video is today’s Supermom Powerboost. Watch the video, have a laugh, and know that you are not alone. I’ll include a link in the show notes and my Facebook Page, Life Coaching for Parents.

 

Quote of the Day:

“Imperfections are not inadequacies. They are a reminder that we are all in this together.” Brene Brown

Middle School Misery

Today's Question - My son is finishing up 7th grade and had a terrible year. He is BEGGING me to homeschool him next year. He’s always struggled with reading but got through elementary school with help and support. He’s a bright kid, knows everything about every type of animals and their habitats. He loves turning over rocks and finding bugs of all kinds. My joyful nature-lover has turned into a miserable, despondent lump.

We made him stick it out all year, hoping things would get better but he struggles with just about everything school has to offer: sitting in a classroom, listening, learning, doing homework. He makes friends easily but I’m worried about how homeschooling will limit his socializing and mess up his opportunities for college and future. What should I do about my miserable middle schooler?    -Lynnette

Parent Educator Answer - This "middle school misery" is more common than you might think. Kids who have undiagnosed learning disabilities can get through elementary school just fine, but middle school magnifies problem areas. The work load creates a bottleneck for kids with attention problems. Too much information comes in (that they are NOT interested in) causing attentional fatigue. This mental fatigue causes kids to zone out and miss critical instruction.

Kids who struggle to pay attention at school do not have a focusing problem when it comes to things they WANT to be doing.  Some kids have the ability to HYPERFOCUS on things that fascinate them, but having too much uninteresting information at school doesn't leave much time left over for one's passion. When there isn't time to learn about things that truly lights them up, you'll end up with a grumpy, zombie child.

Kids without learning disabilities can struggle with traditional school as well. Highly sensitive children can soak up the insecurities on a middle school campus so that they feel lost and drained of their own energy.

 

With so much pressure put on kids to perform and the fast pace of society, the mental and emotional health of students is of high concern. Any kid who has a pre-disposition toward anxiety may find their symptoms ramping up during these sensitive years. 

Our brains are not designed for the amount of input we are currently taking in. I've even noticed a change in my ability to focus my attention.

I used to read all the time but now my mind wanders more and struggles to keep attention on the page. I have to be really selective about what books I read because so few will grab my attention. 

 

Life Coaching Answer - Let’s start by accepting reality as it currently is today. You could argue that society is too fast paced. Perhaps schools should be designed to nurture the whole human being, not being so focused on college and the workforce. It would be great if our educational institution were able to meet the unique needs of all children. Could your child learn to adapt better to the system he is in? Maybe.

For clarity and peace, let’s just accept the schools as they are and your child’s brain and personality as it is. Your son has an easy time making friends. Let’s assume that will continue wherever he goes. He has an appetite for learning the subjects he is interested in which will probably rekindle once he has some free time and mental space.

We don’t know what the future will bring. If he stays in school, he may enter such a depressed state that he can’t handle high school, let alone college and beyond. Same thing may be true if you pull him out and homeschool.

All we know is that, right now, he is struggling with school and he thinks he has found a solution.

An easy way to increase happiness is to offer contrast. When you are blazing hot and you jump in a cold pool, it feels fabulously refreshing. If you are cold and jump into the same pool, it feels terrible. Trying to drink 8 servings of water a day is tough for me, but when it’s hot and I’m thirsty, water is the best beverage on the planet!

I’m wondering if you could increase your child’s happiness by offering a contrasting experience.

I’m going to tell you a few different scenarios of other moms who were in your shoes and found homeschooling scenarios that worked for them. I can't tell you what is right for you or your child, only you know what's best for you and your situation, but perhaps these stories from others will help you access your own wisdom.

My son incurred a head injury when he was 11 and could no longer function at school. His hormones were completely out of whack (cortisol through the roof and almost no adrenaline). He couldn’t sleep at night, couldn’t get up in the morning, and felt easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. He accrued many absences the first quarter of sixth grade and trying to keep up with assignments was stressing him out. By November, it was clear: he wasn’t getting better. We pulled him out and finally treated the concussion we should have treated back in May. He enrolled in online school, I worked from home, and he continued to play soccer. By April, he was well enough to go with his class to 6th grade science camp for a week in nature. The more down time he had, the more he could recuperate. Life at home with mom for six months made him appreciate his classmates and the structure of school. He returned to school for 7th grade and stayed.

Sheri pulled her son out of middle school at his request. Her job allowed her to work remotely so she enrolled him in a Shakespeare theater program where he read, studied, performed, fund raised, learned set design, etc. He got to study every aspect of theater with others who shared his passion, while she worked on her laptop and phone. For the other subjects, he worked online or with a tutor at the kitchen table. It’s been a few years and he has no interest in going back.

Katherine’s daughter’s anxiety was unmanageable. She felt pressured and was missing lots of school due to headaches and other vague symptoms. Katherine found a retired teacher on Craig’s List with dyslexia training who was willing to come to her house for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. Her daughter missed her friends and did not like this new arrangement. She still saw her friends after school and at gymnastics, but she relaxed, worked hard to get caught up academically, and learned to manage her anxiety. The next year she felt stronger, more capable, and ready to return to school.

Eileen’s 6th grade daughter was sinking into depression. Everything about school seemed like a chore: the work, the social dynamics, being pulled out for extra academic help. Her parents pulled her from school and divided up her studies between mom, dad, and grandma. They increased her time at her favorite horse ranch to 12 hours a week and watched the light come back in her eyes. They don’t know what they will do next year, but they will let their daughter’s happiness and mental health guide their decisions.

I hope these examples of other moms give you support and guidance as you make a difficult decision.

Supermom Kryptonite - information overload 

Information overload occurs when the amount of input to a system exceeds its processing capacity. Too much information causes a bottleneck in the brain, increasing feelings of stress and overwhelm and reducing the quality of our decisions.

The amount of information that we take into our brains continues to skyrocket.

If you think of a typical newspaper being about 85 pages, in 1986 we received about 40 newspapers full of information every day. In 2007, this rocketed to 174 newspapers full of information we are taking into our brains every day.

Having too much information streaming in not only effects our children's mental well being, but ours too. When we are trying to make important decisions, like what to do about our child’s education, it’s easy to get bogged down in information and choices. Be wary of spending too much time online, googling, and gathering information. The world is changing fast. It's more important than ever that you slow down, focus on your child's well being, and listen your gut intuition.

Which leads me to recommend today’s supermom power boost, Forest Bathing.

[caption id="attachment_4587" align="alignright" width="496"] My happy place[/caption]

Supermom Power Boost - Forest Bathing basically means to go into a forest and stay awhile. Breathe. Sit. Walk. Savor. Since I am writing this from my campsite in a magnificent redwood forest on the California coast, I couldn’t help but choose this for today’s power boost. Forest bathing was developed in Japan during the 1980s and is suggested for preventive health care and healing in Japanese medicine. Researchers in Japan and South Korea have gathered significant scientific literature on the health benefits of spending time under the canopy of a living forest.

Forest bathing (immersing yourself in a forest) is shown to boost immune system function, reduce blood pressure and stress, improve mood, sleep, and energy levels. Being in the woods is shown to increase focus, especially in children with ADHD. For moms, trying to make important decisions, there is tremendous value in cutting out all external input and listening to your own gut intuition, voice and values. Let the forest shift you into a relaxed, receptive state FIRST, then notice how your creativity and quality of thinking improve. 

Quote of the Day: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein 

He did everything right, but still didn't get in to the college he wanted.

Today's Question: On College Disappointment

My son is finishing up high school and did everything he was supposed to do. He worked hard, got good grades, did extracurricular activities, volunteer work- you name the hoop, he jumped through it. The university that he had set his heart on did not accept him and he is suffering from college disappointment.

He got into his “safety school” but he’s really not excited about it. I think it bothers him that so many of his classmates are going there. They offered us some great financial incentives so it makes sense for him to go there, but it's a little to close to home for his liking.

I just wish he were happier. He’s got all these end of year celebrations coming up but there’s a dark cloud over him that’s keeping him from enjoying his accomplishments so far. I’m so sad for him. What can I say to cheer him up?  -Anya

Parent Educator Answer:

Most of the advice you would hear from a parent educator when a child just came from college disappointment is the same advice you’ll hear from other parents. “He’ll be fine.” “Once he gets in there, he’ll realize how different the experience is and make it work for him.”

When these attempts at “cheering up” don’t work, it’s probably best to meet him where he is.

Agreeing with him by saying, “This totally sucks” or “It’s so disappointing” will help him accept his emotions, feel supported, and move on when he’s ready to move on. Being compassionate towards him teaches him to be compassionate towards himself.

Lots of people encounter a situation like this and think, “I’m such an idiot” “I suck” “Why did I think I would ever get in” and other self-defeating comments.

When we are our own cheerleaders, we can take chances and try new things, knowing we have our backs. The more we model this to our kids, the more they will learn to do the same.

There’s nothing wrong with being disappointed. If you are going to have ambitions, goals, and dreams, you are also going to have disappointment. It’s a natural part of the human experience and nothing has gone wrong here.

Life Coaching Answer:

The life coach in me has A LOT to say about this, starting with, I’m so sorry, Anya. It’s so hard to watch our kids work so hard for something that they really want and not get it.

It sounds like he found a school that really resonated with him and seemed like the perfect match. It’s hard to have figured out what you want and do everything you were supposed to do, and still not be able to get it.

I’m going to guess, Anya, that you live in a part of the country that participates in a “crazy college culture.” There are places in our country where people place A LOT of importance on which college children are attending.

It’s become a marker of success FOR THE PARENTS and THE SCHOOLS, as well as the kids. This is so screwed up. GRADUATION is the marker of a successful high school career! People are stressing their kids out, putting so much pressure on them, making them believe where they go to school is vital to success in life.

The #1 Predictor for Success in Life

Do you know what the #1 predictor of success in life is? It’s not where you go to school. It’s not what kind of grades or test scores you get. The #1 predictor of success in life is social and emotional well being.

When we, as a culture, prioritize grades, hard work, and competition over relaxation, peace, and kindness, we may actually be hindering the success of an entire generation by increasing their stress levels.

The purpose of higher education is to diversify your thinking, build a set of skills, and deepen your education in one specialized area for the purpose of employment.

You can do this right now, for free. In the “olden days,” you had to go to a university in order to access this knowledge and higher wisdom. With Kahn Academy, Youtube, and free online universities, you do not need to leave your bedroom to learn the content you want to learn.

Pretty much anything you want to learn can be acquired online, anytime you want.

Today, the value of going away to a university is more about personal growth. Our kids are so sheltered without a lot of opportunities to test their mettle.

We don’t send them away for a month at a summer camp, or to a grandparents farm anymore. We don’t let our kids travel alone, or even take a bus to the city by themselves.

Today’s teens are even delaying getting jobs and driver’s licenses! Going away to school has become a rite of passage into adulthood. It’s personal growth and independence that has made going away to college so important, but only because we stopped giving them other opportunities to grow.

My hunch is that the reason Anya’s son doesn’t want to go to this school is he feels it’s stifling his growth.

What else can he do that would be a growth opportunity for him? Could he take a gap year and travel? Could he join the peace corps? Teach for America? Become an au pair in another country?

If he really has his heart set on this dream school, he could get an apartment and attend a junior college nearby.

How about starting his own business doing something fascinating? Take up a new sport, job, or hobby? There are lots of ways to grow and explore one's independence.

Our higher selves will rebel if we try to be happy about staying small. We are meant for continual expansion and growth at every age and stage of our lives. Help him think creatively about growth and you’ll see the light come back in your son’s eyes.

Not growing, when you feel inside like it's time to grow, feels like wearing clothes that are too tight. You can do it, but it's uncomfortable.

Think of your high school senior like a hermit crab who has outgrown its shell. As scary as it is to venture out into the unknown and try out a new shell, it feels better than staying stuck in a shell that has become too small for him.

The way to help a hermit crab find a new shell, is to present him with a few different options with varying sizes, shapes, and thicknesses. He thought he found the right shell, he thought it was going to be perfect but it wasn't.

Maybe it will be the right shell after a year of growth? Or maybe, after a year of growth, it won't feel like the right fit anymore.

The important thing is to be patient and let your hermit crab be uncomfortable. Let him be disappointed. This discomfort is what will motivate your hermit crab and when he is ready, he will choose another shell.

I think it’s great that the system failed him at a young age. It was going to happen eventually.

I have so many clients who play by the rules and do what they are told, hoping for some future reward that never comes.

Better to learn now, that the key to happiness is making the systems work for you instead of you believing the key to your success and happiness, is in the hands of a system.

Supermom Kryptonite: Trying to fix a problem that isn’t yours to solve.

Anya is trying to fix this college disappointment for her son, understandably, but the effort of trying to solve a problem that doesn’t belong to her, will exhaust her and drain her energy. When a loved one is suffering, there are two ways people try to help that really aren’t helpful.

          1. Feel bad for them.

Many moms try to help by “feeling bad” for the suffering person. You might think, “My son is so sad, I’ll feel bad along with him, so at least he’s not aren’t alone in his suffering.”

There’s this underlying belief that a mom shouldn’t be happy if her child isn’t. We feel guilty being happy when our loved ones are suffering but having two suffering people really doesn’t help.

You feel better because you think you are being a good mom, but your son feels even worse because now he’s responsible for creating a dark cloud over two people instead of just one.

          2. Tell them what to do.

It’s so easy for us to see what someone can do to improve their life!

'We hate watching them suffer, so we try to move into their life and take over: telling them what to do, how to feel, and even taking actions for them.

This ends up being a lose-lose situation. They feel disempowered because they can’t solve their own problems, we get annoyed that they don’t follow all our great advice.

Supermom Power Boost:

The way to help suffering loved ones is today’s supermom power boost. There are three things to think about when we watch someone we love going through a hard time.

          1. There’s a reason we have a problem.

There is a skill set we need to build in order to solve the problem. It’s not that we need an immediate solution, it’s that we need to grow capacity.

In Anya’s son’s case, if he had experienced many disappointments in his life, this college disappointment wouldn’t have been a big deal.

My guess is that it’s his first one, so he needs to decide what he’s going to make it mean and recalibrate his expectations with the reality he is experiencing. This skill set will serve him well and now is his time to develop it. 

          2. “Troubled? Then sit with me for I am not.”

Rumi Have you ever had a problem and someone else was more upset and worried about it than you were?

It feels icky. What helps our loved ones who are suffering, is for us to remain peaceful and untroubled.

We can hold the space for them to feel whatever they want to feel, while also letting them work it out on their own and making their life even better.

          Pack your bags.

Do you know someone who is suffering? Picture your loved one standing in front of you, strong and peaceful, with an open, empty suitcase at their feet.

Imagine taking your worries, your fears, your sadness, and placing it inside the suitcase. Watch as your loved one closes the suitcase, thanks you, picks it up, and walks away. This is their problem to solve. You can give them advice if they ask because that’s a sign they are ready to hear it. 

 

Quote of the Day:  "Every success story is a tale of constant adaptation, revision and change." Richard Branson

What's the best way to spend Mother's Day?

Join me for the 7-day Supermom Challenge and reconnect with yourself and your essence!

I feel so silly asking this but it’s really weighing on my mind! What should I do for mother’s day? I know it’s MY DAY to do whatever I want to do, but I can’t figure it out. Every idea I have feels exhausting. I thought I would invite both grandma’s over for a family celebration but I can’t seem to commit to it. Going out to a restaurant with my kids and long wait times sounds terrible. I’m afraid to lose my one day a year where I have permission to be selfish if I don’t pick something soon!  -Erin

I don’t think this is a silly question AT ALL. I actually think it’s a very important one, and one that will show up every birthday and mother’s day. The big milestone birthdays can be especially difficult because there is extra pressure to make it spectacular.

 

Life Coaching Answer:

As I read your question, I’m wondering if you feel like you lost yourself in parenting?

Our wants and desires are key to the essence of who we are. It’s difficult to answer the question, “What do I want?” when we have disconnected from spirit.

Here are some signs that you have disconnected from your spirit:

You feel tired a lot.

You go through the motions of the day, without feeling fully engaged and alive.

You feel lonely and confused.

You’ve tried to solve your problems but it doesn’t change how you feel.

You can tell me what your kids want, your husband wants, your mother in law wants, but struggle to answer the question, “What do I want?”

Reconnecting with your essence is easier than you might think but it helps to understand how you lost the connection in the first place.

How often do your kids ask, “What do you want to do today, mom?” “What do you feel like eating?” “What outfit would you like to wear?” “What did you learn today, Mom?” “Did you have fun at the grocery store?”

The people you are with the most, stopped asking you what you want. So you stopped asking yourself that question.

I love that Erin is asking the question “What do I want to do for mother’s day?”

Unfortunately, it’s tied in with pressure and scarcity so she feels like she has to pick the perfect thing for her, her family, and suck it up for the rest of the year.

You deserve more than ONE day of the year to think about what you want!

When we aren’t giving enough attention to our spirit, we may inadvertently put unrealistically high expectations on this ONE day event.

It’s easy to slip into thinking this one needs to be perfectly rejuvenating, inexpensive, make everyone happy and bring me back to feeling like myself again.

Let’s throw the perfectionism out the window!

I suggest you declare another day just for you to remove this scarcity around mother's day.

I always tried to switch father’s day with mother’s day in my family. The golf courses are packed on father’s day but empty on mother’s day so we go against the tide and swap them. We’ll hit a day spa on father’s day and enjoy the absence of crowds, but you have to be careful.

Moms that are good at self sacrificing and putting everyone else’s needs first, need to watch out for the temptation to skip over their day altogether. If you hear your brain saying, "I can skip it" or "I don't really need it", don't believe it! 

Claim your day, set aside some money, know that resistance might come up but don't allow it to take over. Then start fantasizing about what you really, really want.

Look around you. Everything you see around you began in someone’s imagination. Your job is to let go of rules, fears, and just dwell in your imagination.

What would you do if you could not care what people thought?

What would you do if you had a day to yourself and nobody knew it?

What if you had no fears and endless cash?

If you hear your brain saying “That could never happen” or “I can’t afford that”, tell it relax, you are just dreaming as a way to reconnect with your essence.

Children are constantly in transition, which means that our needs as parents are constantly in transition, too. When they are babies, we just want sleep. When they are pre-school age, we just want our own attention. When they are angsty teens we might crave more joy and peace. What do you crave? order? calm? nature? adventure?

One year for mother's day I was craving productivity and quiet time by myself. So much of my life was spent in circular tasks that never gave me a sense of actual accomplishment.

I sent my family away from the house for 5 hours and painted the dining room. It was so fun. Just me, my thoughts, my music, my aesthetic with a very tangible result I could look at every day.

Write out your fantasy mother’s day in your journal and give yourself permission to want whatever the heck you want. No judgment. No expectation. 

Supermom Kryptonite: Maximising

In 1956, prize-winning economist, Herbert A. Simon wrote a paper about the different ways people make buying decisions. He coined the terms “Maximiser” and “Satisficer”. Maximisers expect themselves to make the most informed, intelligent decisions with the most long lasting benefits.

Most of us would expect that “maximizing” one’s decision making would lead to superior and more satisfying results. Psychologists, however, have discovered no difference in the quality of decision but a big difference in one's ability to be content with their decisions.

Maximisers are more likely to struggle with making a decision and then beat themselves up afterward if it proves to be less than ideal. Putting pressure on themselves to make perfect decisions with the most long lasting benefits, drains their energy by making us avoiding decision making altogether.

In Erin’s scenario, she may be trying to “maximise” her mother’s day experience by putting too many expectations on one day. She wants to tap into her essential self and use this day to reconnect with what she wants, but she also wants to make the grandmas happy, and not be perceived as “selfish”.

Supermom Powerboost: Satisficing

Simon combined the words “satisfy” with “sufficing” to coin the term satisficing. A “satisficer” is one who looks at what they want to gain (or maintain) and chooses based on modest criteria. They don’t feel pressured to make a perfect decision with long lasting benefits, they just want it to be good enough for right now. “Satisficers” find contentment with what they have and don’t worry that there might be something else better out there.

What researchers have found is that “satificers” are generally happier than “maximisers”.

They have an easier time making decisions, don’t beat themselves up afterwards for making “bad” decisions, (they don’t even label decisions as good or bad!) and don’t dwell in negative emotions like buyer’s remorse.

They make decisions based on what they want at the time, and allow their wants to change over time.

Becoming more of a satificer will boost your energy, your happiness and your decision making abilities.

Making decisions based on what is good enough for you right now, requires you to KNOW what it is you WANT.

This is an easy thing to lose when you are a busy mama, but that’s why it’s the first step towards claiming a day just for you.

Quote of the Day

“Knowing that you’ve made a choice that you will not reverse allows you to pour your energy into improving the relationship that you have rather than constantly second-guessing it.”

― Barry Schwartz, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less

Disrespectful Child

What's the right way to handle a disrespectful child?

My son is 8, is a great kid all around, but he's mean to me. He can be sweet and loving one minute, but a rude and disrespectful child the next. He talks back, ignores me when I'm talking, and "accidentally" bumps me with his backpack when we're walking into school. The teachers have no complaints, he behaves perfectly at school, it's only at home with me that his disrespectful behavior comes out. What am I doing that makes him treat me so poorly?    -Ava

Thank you for this question, Ava.

I'll never forget when the speaker's bureau I worked for asked me, "Could you teach a class on raising gracious children?"

I thought they were joking. They knew my daughter. They had been around her since she was a baby. Every time I brought her in, they would say "Hi, how are you?" "look at your cute shoes?" "How old are you?" She NEVER answered.

She would stare and glare but never smile and never respond, so I thought they were being sarcastic: making a joke about ME teaching a class on gracious children based on my very ungracious daughter!

The "people-pleaser" in me was embarrassed by her behavior, but my co-workers weren't as bothered by her as I was.

They were serious.

I figured this would be a good challenge for me, so I took it on.

Here's what I learned in my research and preparation for teaching this class on raising gracious children:  Children learn by imitation. If you are kind and polite, chances are they will be too. EVENTUALLY. When they are little, their personality, emotions, and other motivations come before social niceties.

So the real question I set out to answer is: "How do I act graciously, no matter how my child is behaving?"

I'll dive into this in the life coaching answer, but first, we'll start with the parent education answer.

Parent Education answer

We want to take a look at what might be motivating Ava's son to be polite at school and be a  rude and disrespectful child at home.

Based on your scenario, I'm going to guess it's one of two things:

1. He feels yucky on the inside and wants you to know it.

It's possible he doesn't know how to express his negative emotion in a constructive way, and/or he doesn't feel like it's ok to have negative emotions like anger or sadness.

If this is the case, helping him develop some emotional vocabulary is very helpful. You can do this by talking about your own emotions, "I feel so mad I want to hit something" (you could even find something to hit like a couch cushion or kick an empty cardboard box).

If you were feeling low, you could say, "I feel sad so I'm going outside to be by myself." or "I'm disappointed that my friend canceled plans so I'm going to draw a picture of what I'm feeling."

Showing him that everyone has negative emotions sometimes, and modeling how to cope in healthy and appropriate ways would boost his emotional intelligence.

You can also help him pay attention to his emotions when you notice he's starting to misbehave by saying things like "You feel disappointed" or "You feel frustrated."

Print out a page of different emotion faces and put it on your fridge to help him identify and understand the nuances of his different emotions.

When we are having strong emotions, they can feel really overwhelming. By naming them, we contain them; it makes them feel manageable.

I learned this when I was 14 and tried out for cheerleading. I worked hard and did my best but didn't make the squad.

When I walked in the house after the tryouts, my dad said, "I thought you said you wouldn't be disappointed if you didn't make the squad?" I burst into tears, yelled, "I said I WOULD be disappointed!" I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door.

I remember looking in the mirror as the tears flowed down my face and said to myself, "I'm disappointed. Is that what this is? I've been disappointed before. I can handle this."

Then I felt fine. I was totally over it. Even the following year when I tried out again and didn't make it, I allowed myself to be disappointed without any drama.

Humans aren't meant to be happy all the time. We want to make sure our kids have access to the wide range of human emotions, and we can do this by modeling it for them in a healthy way.

2. He wants you to discipline him.

Discipline comes from the root word discipulus- the Latin word for student. Kids like rules and structure when it comes to their behavior, even if they don't show it.

When kids know what to expect, it calms them down. Sometimes they may choose to ignore our expectations, but it's our job to lay it out there and tell them the behavior we want to see.

I struggled with parenting a rebellious child who was always fighting for power. I would try and offer her choices: "Do you want to wear the red or the blue?" She would NEVER choose one of my options. She'd always go for whatever I didn't want her to wear, just to defy me.

I would offer mac 'n cheese or peanut butter sandwich and she would declare that she will only eat red foods. As soon as my fridge was full of red food, she would switch to green. It drove me crazy because I wanted life to be easy and for us to get along. She just wanted to assert her power.

After much debate, I decided to put my strong-willed daughter in Catholic school. I was nervous. It was a great kindergarten program with the most fabulous teacher, but it was old-school strict.

These kids were taught to BEHAVE. I thought, "It's either going to be great, or really terrible." My plan was to switch her to a Montessori school for first grade, assuming Kindergarten was going to be a nightmare.

Her teacher was so savvy. My daughter tested her for the first four months. How much can I get away with? Do you really mean what you say? What if I do it this way? You draw the line here, what about here?

As soon as my daughter realized that she couldn't outsmart her teacher, she relaxed. It's like all that energy and attention she was putting into trying to control everyone and everything, could shift into learning and being a kid.

Some kids are strong willed and will fight for power, but it's too much responsibility for them to be in charge. No five year old, or eight year old, should be in charge.

When kids know there is a strong authority figure present, they get to be a kid. They get to relax and play, knowing someone else will steer them back on track if they wander.

Could it be, Ava, that your son is asking for more discipline?

Life Coaching Answer: 

Based on your question, Ava, I'm going to guess that you bounce back and forth between anger "he shouldn't be treating me this way" to helplessness "Why can't he be nice to me?" This does not feel good.

It's kind of like you've got this powerless, abandoned kitten on one shoulder whispering "please be nice to me" and a ferocious tiger on the other saying "you better be nice to me." Bouncing back and forth between these two keeps you out of your power.

I want you to listen to the energy embedded in the last sentence of your question: "What am I doing that makes him act so poorly?"

Can you feel the emotion in that sentence? Self-blame? Guilt, maybe? It's coming from weak energy.

Your first sentence felt the opposite: "What's the right way to handle a disrespectful child?" Can you hear this one is a bit more annoyed?

It implies there is a right way and wrong way, and because you label the behavior as disrespectful, I'm guessing you are in anger.

Most people think that angry, ferocious tiger energy is you being powerful, but studies show the most powerful energy is calm, assertive energy.

In order to TEACH your child how to treat you, you've first got to find your calm, confident energy. Which means stepping out of blame and accepting reality without argument.

You aren't a bad mom because your child misbehaves or is rude to you. Can you imagine a child that NEVER talks back? That ALWAYS says the right thing, at the right time, in the right way, since the day they learned to talk?  That would be weird, right?

Like a little Stepford robot child. If that happened you'd still probably be writing into me, concerned that your child is behaving too well. Something must be wrong with them if they never misbehave, right?

Our thoughts create our emotional energy. Notice how you feel when you think, "He's disrespectful." It makes you angry and annoyed. You want to snap back, yell, give him the silent treatment, basically mirror how he is treating you.

Notice how you feel when you think, "What am I doing wrong?" "Why won't he be nice to me?" "I should have this figured out by now".  Those thoughts make you feel weak. You give in, letting him have the power to treat you poorly.

You want to find a thought that gives you the feeling of calm confidence. The word that helped me was "teach." I can teach her to be kind by my actions. I will teach her how to treat me.

Every time my daughter did something I didn't like, I would treat it as a lesson. "When you ignore me, I feel unimportant. What I'd like to hear you say, is 'Ok, Mom.'"Most kids don't like learning the same lesson every day (especially strong-willed ones). This "instruction" motivated her to adopt the behavior I was looking for because being told the same thing every day became annoying.

When she talked back, I would remind myself, "She is asking me for more guidance".In order to curb your son's behavior, Ava, find a thought that gives you the feeling of calm, confidence. "I know what to do here" is a good one. Think it often and see if it helps YOU change YOUR behavior, giving you the change in your son's behavior that you are looking for.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - The Dictator and The Wild Child

I learned about this concept from my first life coach teacher, Martha Beck. I obsessively read every book she wrote and learned about "the dictator and the wild child" in her book, The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace.

When people are dieting to lose weight, they very often create two opposing characters she calls The Dictator and The Wild Child. The dictator is the voice in our heads that only allows us to eat spinach and quinoa. We must do everything right, eat everything right, and never falter.

Most people can't keep up with this perfectionistic discipline, nor do they want to. So they then create this wild child who rebels against the dictator and says, "Screw you! I can do what I want, eat what I want, anytime I want."

Bouncing back and forth between these two extremes is exhausting and a huge energy drain. You decide you want to eat healthily, but then you rebel against yourself to the point where it feels like you are eating behind your own back.

These two extremes can play out in parenting as well as weight loss.  We develop this idealized version of ourselves; the perfectly balanced mom who does everything right.

Naturally, we can't keep up with these perfectionistic expectations. We yell, we say things we regret, we snap at our kids, never understanding it's because our expectations for ourselves aren't allowing for imperfection.

If this sounds familiar, the fix isn't more will power and discipline nor is it to beat yourself up. We want to LISTEN to the wild child. What does it need more of? What would feel joyful and playful to the wild child?

This isn't an "angel and devil on the shoulders" scenario. Maintaining perfection isn't part of being human so that goal will always create rebellion. Find some middle ground by asking "What emotion do I want to feel, no matter how my kid behaves?"

 

Supermom Power Boost - Becoming the watcher

A friend of mine described it best. She was in a hospital bed, having a severe allergic reaction to a medication. Her body was in anaphylactic shock and her brain was in psychosis.

As she lay there, she became aware of her body shutting down and her brain was spinning in crazy directions. Very calmly, she had the thought, "There's a third thing". My body is freaking out. My brain is in crazy town. But there's a third thing. This part of me that can OBSERVE the other two things without attachment is very calm.

You don't have to be in a life-threatening situation to become the watcher of your brain, we do it on every life coaching call.

When you become the watcher of your mind, you detach from the wild child and the dictator. You aren't either one of those. You are the person who can observe them, watch them talk, argue, and fight but with detachment. It's like being a scientist, just observing with curiosity, not buying into any story.

Learning to become the watcher of your brain and body is key to a peaceful, engaged life.

This is what meditation is all about. From the watcher position, you get to choose how to react when your kid talks back, what goals you want to pursue, whether you want to eat that candy or not.

Everything you want in life begins with becoming the watcher. Meditation, journal writing, life coaching, mindfulness all help develop this skill.

Quote of the day -“Stepping back from the Dictator and the Wild Child and becoming the Watcher is like thinking you’ve been stuck on a railroad track, able to move only backward and forward, and discovering that you had the capacity to fly all along.”  Martha Beck

How can I encourage independence in my clingy kiddo?

How can I encourage independence? episode #16

Question - "My daughter constantly follows me around the house always wanting my attention. I give her A LOT of attention! I’m a stay-home Mom and we are together all the time. She even follows me into the bathroom. I’ve tried “filling up her tank” just to see if she ever gets enough but I found the answer is NO. When my husband gets home and I try to leave for the gym, she clings and whimpers, begging me not to go. In fact, she does this any time I try to leave her with anyone. Sometimes the guilt and hassle isn’t worth it, and I cave in and stay home. Sometimes I feel imprisoned by a cute and loving jail warden. How can I teach my daughter to be more independent?" - Allison

Parent Educator answer -

I love how this question is worded. This shows such keen awareness that the situation is a pattern of her DAUGHTER'S. When kids behave this way, it can really lock moms in without them even realizing it, so I’m glad Allison is aware and wanting to change. I don’t hear mom beating herself up thinking she should do more, be better, etc. I love that she experimented with “filling up her daughter's tank” and can feel confident that not having enough mom time is not the issue. My favorite part is her final question, “How can I TEACH my daughter to be more independent?”

Teaching is a process. It takes time, patience, and clear explanations and repetition. You teach your children how to treat you. This doesn’t mean they are going to do it perfectly right away, just that you are committed to doing your part as teacher.

When we see clingy behavior in children, it’s a sign of anxiety. It’s great that your child feels comforted by you, it’s also important that your child feel comfortable away from you. Anxiety can be caused by many things: modern society, a genetic predisposition, even a stressful birth; so we’re not going to waste our time arguing that your child shouldn’t feel anxious.

3 things NOT to do are…

1. 1. Don’t sneak out without telling them. 

 

1. 1. Don’t have long goodbyes or wait for your child to give you permission to leave.

 

1. Don’t avoid anxiety provoking activities.

4 ways to increase your child’s comfort and stability, which will increase their independence and (eventually) decrease their clinginess.

1. 1. Predictable Routine - All kids benefit from structured routine but, anxious kids especially can  benefit. They might even ask every morning, “What are the plans for the day?” Have a chart with pictures so they can predict “cuddle and read with mom time” “play independently time” “screen time”. You can also have routines for each day, Monday is library. Tuesday is gym. Wednesday is playgroup.

 

1. 1. Encourage deep relationships with other adults and children. Invite your child’s friend over after school every Friday. Go to the park with Dad Sunday morning or play games with Grandma Sunday night.

 

1. 1. Transitional objects - If your child doesn’t have a transitional object, give them one. Tell them it will make them feel safe. A beautiful stone to slip into his pocket or a soft feather. Whenever he feels anxious, they hold onto the object. When he is clinging to you at the door, remind him of this special object and its’ special powers.

 

1. Reduce narrow focused attention - When we are nervous, our eyes lock into an object like a lion stalking it’s prey. School and screen time encourage narrow focus attention. A lion spends 95% of its day in diffused attention, this is important for humans, too. Diffused attention is a recuperative state that helps our brains calm down and feel at peace. Staring into space and daydreaming shift the brain into diffused attention. Try hard not to interrupt your child when in this state. You can encourage this diffused mental attention with music, art, and nature based movements. Experiment with turning off electricity, watering the garden, and classical music and see what calms your child the most.

Life Coaching answer - When your child is clinging and pleading for you to stay home, it is SO HARD to leave!  They pull out all the stops, filling us up with love, making us feel wanted and needed. Instead of reciprocating with love and devotion, we break their hearts, causing them suffering, tears, and misery!

Many moms fall into this trap because they think, “I am the only one that can help them feel better.” This belief keeps kids locked in anxiety, believing they are only safe when mom is around. Mom feels so needed and valuable that she forgoes her dreams and passions, trapping her in a limited existence.

The best thing Allison can do is to manage her own anxiety and set up a regular, predictable routine around leaving her daughter. The thoughts that will keep her stuck are “She needs me” “I can make her feel better” and “It’s not right to let her suffer”

We have this idea that our kids shouldn’t suffer- that they should always be happy and if they aren’t we are doing something wrong.

This is our primitive brain talking. Our higher brain knows that sometimes we need to make parenting decisions that our children aren’t going to like- that we can forgo that temporary ‘false joy’ for long term well being.

Of course we want to avoid negative emotions unnecessarily, but being willing to choose discomfort for long term well being is a really important life skill.

We endure discomfort for a high intensity exercise class for the long term gain of fitness.

We endure boring subjects in school so that we can pursue a major that interests us.

We tolerate uncomfortable dental appointments for the long term benefit of healthy teeth and gums.

The buddhists say life is suffering. So, trying to keep your child from suffering is trying to protect them from life. Believing you can protect your kids from emotional discomfort is believing you are more powerful than God.

Kryptonite - “I’m tired”

This is a sneaky one. Thinking the thought or saying the sentence “I’m tired” seems like you are just stating the facts. But try it out for a minute, how do you feel when you think the thought “I’m tired”? TIRED!! When you feel tired, you act lethargic, and don’t seek out energy inducing activities! It’s not like you rest, take a nap and the feel energized. It seems so legit that we don’t even argue it.

Energy is something we create more of, through exercise, rest, sleep, food, etc. Many Supermoms use the thought “I’m tired” as a way to avoid doing hard things and taking action towards their goals.

Supermom Power Boost - schedule a vent session

Sometimes all you need is a good vent session. It’s tempting to turn to our husbands at the end of the day to complain about everything that went awry. Most men are wired to fix problems so when unload our challenging day onto them, they try to tell us what to do. This is not what we want to hear! We just want them to say, “Oh honey, I don’t know how you do it all day, that sounds really rough.” Instead they say, “Did you try putting her in time out?” “Just tell your boss no.” or “You shouldn’t let her get to you like that.” This makes us aggravated and frustrated because all we need is a little compassion.

To get a power boost, try scheduling a “vent session” with a girlfriend. Most women naturally commiserate. We vent, we get our frustrations off our chest. They tell us about their challenges, we feel better. Venting with other moms gives you just the fuel you need to make it through another day. We don’t want to be told what to do to fix our problems, we just want to feel seen, heard, and supported. You can try telling your husband, “I just want you to listen and not fix.” but girlfriends are the best power boost I know of.

Quote of the day - 

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." Thich Nhat Hanh

How to motivate your child

How to motivate your child in one simple step

Today's "parent education" answer is a fabulous way to motivate any child or adult so keep listening even if today's question isn't reflective of your situation.

Today's Question: "My son is quite smart and capable, but not motivated in school. He does his homework but forgets to turn it in. He could get top marks in his class but seems content with mediocrity. It bothers me that his grades don't reflect what he's capable of. How can I motivate my son to care more about his school performance?" Jen

Life Coaching answer: There is one simple thing parents can do to motivate their kids. There is also one thing that will BLOCK kid's motivation that I think could become a problem for Jen here. Beware of attachment to ego.

When kids are little it's not unusual for their success to feel like our success. Someone tells us how cute or polite our pre-schooler is, we say thank you. When our kids act out in public, or bite some other kid on the playground, we feel embarrassed. The line between where they end and where we begin, is blurred.

As they grow into their own person, it's helpful to stop taking credit for their amazing-ness and stop blaming ourselves for their missteps, however tempting it may be. When our ego gets attached to their academic performance, their athletic performance, their drive or lack of it, we create a messy situation. Our ego will fight like crazy to stay in tact and often kids will sense our attachment to their success and deliberately sabotage themselves to take off the pressure and stay in control in their lives. When we can see them as a separate individuals, allowing them take credit for their successes AND failures, it keeps us sane. We have the privilege to guide our children but not steer their lives.

Parent Educator answer:

One day, I was on a road trip with my family, and my kids called from the backseat asking, "Mom, wanna play a game with us?"

I responded, "No thank you, I'm enjoying reading my book."

"What book are you reading?" they asked?

"Oh, it's a fascinating book, I'm absolutely loving it. It's all about play and how it shapes the brain, opens the imagination and invigorates the soul."

My astute kiddo responds, "So you would rather read a book about play than play a game with your children?"

I pause with stunned realization, knowing the answer is yes, but also aware of how strange that answer sounded. I WOULD rather read about play! Why? What was motivating me to choose reading my book, over playing game?

Luckily, Dr. Stuart Brown had the answer right in my hands.

What motivates anyone to do anything is emotions. We are driven to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It sounds like Jen's son doesn't get enjoyment out of turning in his homework, or seeing gold stars posted on the sticker chart. Jen, on the other hand, does enjoy that. She sounds like she is motivated by accolades, competition and identifying herself as a high achiever.

Emotions are crucial to motivation and the one simple step I've discovered to motivate kids, is to figure out what is their PLAY PERSONALITY.

Dr. Stuart Brown identified 8 distinct play personalities.

If you can figure out your child's top 3 play personalities, you'll have key insight into how to make things more fun, and therefore more motivating, for your child.

1. The Joker  - Play revolves around nonsense, practical jokes, pranks, silliness.
2. The Kinesthete - If I'm not moving, it's not play.
3. The Explorer - Goes to new places, discovers, learns and understands new things.
4. The Competitor - Enjoys competing and keeping score, plays to win.
5. The Collector - Enjoys collecting objects or experiences (can be social or solitary)
6. The Artist/Creator - Joy is found in making things.
7. The Storyteller - Imagination is the key to play. Movies, dance, acting, reading, etc.
8. The Director - Enjoys planning and executing scenes and events. Loves being in charge and in the center of the social world.

 

The reason I enjoyed reading about play more than playing, is that my top play personality is that of explorer. I love traveling and seeing new places, but also learning and discovering what makes people tick.

Jen probably has competitor as one of her top 3. She cannot understand why her son wouldn't be motivated to turn his homework in. He might be an explorer, more interested in the act of learning, than proving to anyone else what he has learned. To motivate him, she can tap into his play personality. If he's a collector....for every paper he turns in, she'll buy him something to add to his collection.

If he's an artist/creator.....he could design a creative poster or method to remind himself to grab his homework before he leaves the house.

If he's a storyteller, pretend his homework is the important key he needs to bring to school to open up the world to a new dimension, saving an entire species of alien beings. 

If he's a kinesthete, hide the homework somewhere in the house and play a game of "you are getting warmer" in the morning before school.

The director can put his little sister in charge of his homework. The joker can attach a joke to his homework assignments for his teacher to read or "prank" her by doing his assignment upside down or backwards.

I think part of the way we stay attached to ego is by thinking our kids should do things the way we would do them. As we let go of our expectations, and learn to see our children as separate from us, it actually helps us grow closer to them.

Understanding your child's play personality will help you motivate them, but also appreciate what a unique and wonderful person they are.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - valuing work over play

I've always loved working. As a teen I loved babysitting, waiting tables, garage sales, you name it. As a child, my favorite thing to "make believe" was playing store, bank, library or house. Today, I'd rather sell raffle tickets at the school auction than just mingle and socialize. But the reason I love working so much is because it feels like play to me.

When we value work, for the sake of work, without honoring our need to play, it's like burning the candle at both ends. We use up twice as much energy trying to motivate ourselves. We can do it, because our ego values hard work & productivity but it's a struggle on our soul.

Imagine a dog digging a hole to bury a bone. This dog is focused, intensely digging, not distracted by anything around him. It looks like he's working hard and he is, but he is enjoying it. He's doing work that he's meant to do, that's aligned with his essence, and so it feels like play. It requires physical effort, but not psychological or emotional effort. I think this is what work is supposed to be like for us, too.

I'm not a kinesthete. Ask me to do yard work or mop my floors and I will move at a snails pace, dragging my feet and complaining the whole time. UNLESS, I've got people coming over for a party or my girls summer camp and suddenly I'm full of energy. The director in me loves creating fun events for others. Be careful not to value work, over play. Use play to make work more fun and aligned with your highest self.

Supermom power boost - Step out of your routine

Stepping out of our normal routine encourages our brains into a more playful state. Life coaching encourages playful transformation because you take an hour a week to observe your life from the outside in, looking at what's working and what isn't. Getting a change of scenery can also help to offer a new perspective.

• Getting swept away into a novel or spending time in nature are play states.
• Attend a local cultural event for a holiday that is not one you are familiar with.
• Learn to play a new game or understand a new sport.

Sometimes, stepping out of our routine is all we need to open ourselves up to our sense of play and imagination.

It is really common for Supermoms to lose their sense of play when there is so much work to be done. Stepping out of your routine, creating space for you, is a quick way to invigorate the soul and feel playful again. 

Quote of the day: "What might seem like a frivolous or even childish pursuit is ultimately beneficial. It’s paradoxical that a little bit of 'nonproductive' activity can make one enormously more productive and invigorated in other aspects of life." Dr. Stuart Brown

Fighting kids - How to get my kids to stop hating each other

Episode #14

Today’s Question:

My middle school kids are constantly fighting. They are close in age (12 and 13) and used to be the best of friends, always playing happily together. Lately, however, it’s been awful. They bicker and are constantly picking on each other, trying to bring the other down. I really want my boys to be friends again! How can I get my kids to stop hating each other?   -Sheila

Parent Educator Answer:

If your children used to get along very well, that tells me you did a great job of staying out of their conflicts. Children who are at each other from a young age have figured out how to bring mom into the argument and triangulate the issue. When mom is involved, kids can use siblings to fight for power, control, attention, superiority, etc. (If this sounds like you, or you have other issues with fighting siblings, go to www.lifecoachingforparents.com/record-my-question and tell me about your situation).

There is a lot to talk about with sibling rivalry, and we'll need more than one podcast to cover all the topics. 

For this one, I’m going to assume that Sheila is not getting involved, but is just bothered by having to listen to her two precious babies go at each other.

There are many reasons why pre-teens might start picking on their sibling when they didn't before. I want to focus on the two most common and developmentally appropriate reasons for this sudden change.

1. Adolescent angst. Puberty does a number on kids. The hormones cause stronger emotional responses and mood swings, making 'walking on eggshells' an everyday situation. Puberty also usually involves hanging out with people who constantly scrutinize and criticize each other’s appearances, performance, speech, and food choices. You name it, some adolescent is judging it. When kids are soaking up everyone else’s negative, insecure emotions like a sponge all day long, they ring it out when they get home. Who is the easiest person to target? Their sibling.

The question I would want to ask my kid is, “Does it work?” If they feel yucky when they get in the car, do they feel better after putting their sibling down and pointing out all their flaws? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, either way, teaching your child to reflect on their own words and actions is super powerful. 

Whether the answer to the question is yes or no, I would then ask, “Is there another way you can purge the yucky-ness of your day and feel better, that doesn’t involve picking on your sibling?”

Some kids purge verbally, by venting and getting it all off their chest. Some purge physically by hopping on their bike or shooting hoops. Spending time alone, taking a shower, writing in a journal, hanging out with friends, reading a book, are all ways pre-teens have found to feel better after being surrounded by negative people all day.

 2. The other reason why you might see an increase in sibling rivalry during puberty is your child (usually the older one) is wanting to create a bigger separation between himself and his sibling. This desire to be seen as older, wiser, different, and more mature grows really strong between 12-15. (This can be seen with twins as well). Adolescence is all about figuring out who you are and who you want to be? When kids are trying to figure out what their interests and skills are or which friend group they feel most comfortable with, they need to wiggle out of their child self like a snake shedding it's skin. It can be hard for a pre-teen to know who they are if they maintain the tight relationship they’ve always had with their siblings, parents, or close friends. The pre-teen years are a time of rapid and massive growth and they need space to figure it all out.

It’s pretty common for kids to “cocoon” as they transform themselves from a kid into an adult. Cocooning can look like being in the bedroom or bathroom for long periods of time with the door closed, wanting more alone time, or cocooning with a best friend and excluding others. The sibling relationship connects to who they were as a child, some kids need to separate from it in order to become the adult they are meant to be. Fighting and constantly putting down a sibling is an effective way to separate.

It’s nice to know why things happen, but what the heck is Mama supposed to DO about it?

Parent Educator Tips for Sibling Rivalry 

1. Stay out of it. As much as we would like to, we don’t get to decide what kind of relationship our kids are going to have with each other. Their relationship is their’s to figure out and we need to let go of any preconceived idea of what it’s supposed to look like. If your sister is your best friend, you might have expectations for your girls having the same close relationship and get really bothered when they "hate on each other". 
2. Protect their SAFETY. Wrestling and “horse-play” are great ways for kids to learn boundaries. When kids grow up “rough-housing” they learn about remorse, apologizing, inflicting pain, boundaries, and saying no like you mean it. Generally kids will stop on their own, right at the point where their sibling might get hurt. But, if they have triangulated a parent into it, or are using sibling rivalry to serve themselves in an unhealthy way, they may harm their sibling. Then, it is absolutely the parent’s job to protect the sibling.
3. Treat your children as fairly as possible. If they sense favoritism, they may take it out on their sibling. Don’t compare: “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Don’t label: “She’s the aggressive one, he’s the smart one,” and spend quality time with both.
4. Let them see you resolving conflicts in a calm way with other adults.
5. Establish house rules like “no hitting or hurting” or “no name calling”. Post them where everyone can see and have consistent consequences when those rules are not followed.

Life Coaching Answer -

Learn all you can about how to responsibly manage sibling rivalry but when it's not working for you, life coaching comes in handy.

Kids fighting with each other is a circumstance. As much as she would like to, Sheila can’t make them change without the kids wanting to change. Wishing they would stop is like going outside everyday and yelling at the weather, telling it that it needs to be different. It might be true. You might be sick of the cold or rain, but feeling annoyed everyday because the weather isn't they way you'd like it is fruitless and only causes suffering for YOU.

Sheila wants them to stop because she doesn’t like how she feels when they are fighting.

She's probably thinking thoughts like...

“I want them to get along like they used to.” (arguing with reality)

or “They shouldn’t be so mean and hateful with each other” (too much negative emotion)

or “I don’t know what to do” (causes confusion).

These thoughts or similar ones cause negative emotions for MOM. It's time to figure out what you have control over and focus on that.

How do YOU want to feel WHEN your kids are fighting?

You get to choose!

Do you want to feel confident? Think the thought “I know what to do here”.

Do you want to feel calm? Then think “I can trust them to work it out”.

Do you want to feel content? Think “This behavior is normal and temporary”.

When you are feeling a positive emotion, you will be more likely to implement the recommendations parent educators have to offer.

Before you are in the situation of your kids arguing, play it out in your imagination. Picture them fighting with each other, and imagine you are staying calm. Imagine evaluating the situation peacefully and objectively, “Do I need to keep him safe?” “Is he just purging the "yuck" he picked up during the day?” “Is he trying to separate himself from the family?” Observe the fighting with a scientific mind, then practice feeling calm/confident or whatever emotion you want to feel. Picture yourself taking action from that place. Imaging making comments appropriate to the situation like, “You guys sure like to fight” or “You must have had a pretty awful day today to be picking on your sister so much” or “Let me know when you are done fighting so I can make us a snack”.

You cannot control your children's relationship but you can decide how you want to feel about it. When you stay calm, and model how to resolve conflicts peacefully, you are showing them another way.

Supermom Kryptonite - Mirror Neurons

We have mirror neurons in our brain that help us connect with the other people in the room. Mirror neurons are what make us smile when a baby smiles at us, or cry in a powerful "This Is Us" episode. When kids are "hating on each other" our default is to "hate on them" or "hate the situation." We default to matching or mirroring the emotions of the people around us unless we do something deliberately different. We think,"You need to stop being so mean to your sister because it's driving me crazy." We think our argumentative teens are making us feel annoyed and frustrated, but our emotions are coming from our brain. Taking time to notice how we are feeling and deliberately overriding these mirror neurons is completely possible and a great thing to model to our adolescents. 

Try asking them, "How do you hang out with critical, insecure middle schoolers all day and not let it affect you?" They may not believe you if you tell them how mirror neurons work but this might plant a seed in your teen's brain. When YOU learn to separate your emotions from your kid's emotions, you will be modeling for them, how to separate from other people's negative emotions.  

Supermom Powerboost - little ones

Even though you can override other people's negative emotions by setting a clear intention for the feeling you WANT to feel, most of us don't want to work that hard. If you are surrounded by cranky adolescents, go hang out with some little ones. Babies, pre-schoolers or any pre-pubescent kiddo is a joy to be around (especially when you aren't responsible for their well being). When adolescent angst hit my home, I got myself a part-time job at an elementary school. It's much easier to deal with argumentative teens when I spent the day with happy children who write me love notes and get so excited when "Mrs. Henderson" walks by. Do you have nieces or nephews to play with? Could you volunteer once a week or invite the neighbor kids over for a holiday craft? You don't want to ride the emotional roller coaster of adolescence along with your kiddos. Find ways, like hanging out with small children, to keep you separate and balanced so you can be your best self for your teens and pre-teens.

Quote - “Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.” — Sam Levenson