Supermom is Getting Tired

Super competitive and a sore loser

Episode 83: How do I deal with my super competitive sore loser?

Torie, 

“I have 2 kids, 7 year old girl and 1 year old boy. I’ve always noticed my oldest has a hard time losing when we play board games. When she started jujitsu and swimming she would get easily upset if she didn’t get it right the first time and would easily get frustrated and give up. This year is the first time she’s done a team sport. She started soccer and would be so upset when the other team scores and says “I’m the reason why our team lost” and wants to give up. I know she’s enjoying her herself but as soon as there’s some doing better or winning she wants to give up. I’ve explained to her it takes practice and hard work to get better, etc etc. But she still pouts and is a sore loser. She is especially competitive and jealous with her little brother.  I’ve tried talking, explaining, spending one on one time with her etc. Today she told me “I feel like I don’t matter” and it broke my heart.  This makes me frustrated, sad and exhausted. I honestly don’t know what to do.”

Ann

Parent Educator Answer: 

Dr. Stuart Brown identified the competitor as one of eight play personalities in his book Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul. Some children and adults enjoy setting goals and competing against themselves and others as a way to make an activity more interesting and exciting. 

First ask yourself, is my child ENJOYING the fight, frustrations, and fierce play that goes along with being competitive? In Ann’s example, it is clear she is not. 

When our child says “I don’t matter” or “You love the baby more than me” it hurts our mommy hearts. We don’t want them to think these things, so we try to convince them they aren’t true. We appeal to their logic. We explain how we really feel. We tell them their thoughts are wrong and to listen to our thoughts instead. 

This doesn’t tend to work very well. Kids feel misunderstood instead of feeling seen, heard and felt. 

When we see our child engaging in behavior that feels unhealthy and looks morally wrong, we spring into action. We tell them to be a gracious winner. We explain that losing is no big deal and they should focus on being a team player. We may even punish them for “misbehaving”. 

Traditional parenting advice is to reward the behavior you want to see more of, and ignore, discourage, or provide consequences for the behavior you want to see less of. But this isn’t a behavior problem. 

If you focused on your daughter’s behavior, she would learn to not SHOW you her feelings. 

She would still have them, she would just keep them inside. 

That voice inside that says “I’m a loser” or “I don’t matter” or “I know I’m going to fail so why try” will not go away. You will teach her to mold her behavior but not her emotions or inner dialogue. 

You have already tried reasoning with her, you have said all the right mommy things,but it hasn’t changed her beliefs about herself. For this, we need a little life coaching. 

 

Life Coaching Answer:

The first thing we need to do in order to help our children change their beliefs about themselves is to recognize that this isn’t a morality problem, a behavior problem, or a parenting problem. There isn’t anything you did wrong to create this belief in her. 

We all pick up erroneous thinking. For a while, I had the mantra “I can’t be me.” Who else am I supposed to be? It makes no sense, but I picked it up and carried it with me for the first few decades of life. I also had the mantra, “If I know I’m going to fail, why try?” It wasn’t until my life got really, really boring that I decided to change it. 

Life coaching helps you discover the beliefs that need changing, and helps you change them to ones more aligned with your values. 

There are correlations between unhealthy competitive behavior and early trauma, hospitalizations, severe illness, or separation from a parent. Life is messy and things happen. I didn’t have any early traumatic experiences but I still picked up some awful beliefs about myself. We cannot prevent our children from negative emotions or experiences, nor should we. 

What you can do, is recognize it’s her issue not yours and help your daughter create a different identity.  

One of many things I love about kids is they often tell you exactly what they are thinking. In the example of Ann’s daughter, she comes right out and says, “I don’t matter”.

Your daughter feels like she doesn’t matter. Who knows where she picked up that idea? Kids pick up all sorts of crazy things. Almost every client I’ve ever talked to has had a core belief that they are unworthy. The key is being aware enough to notice you are believing unhealthy thoughts, and then learn how to disbelieve them. 

We want to make it really hard for her to continue to believe that thought. We can do that in three ways. 

• Help her identify as a winner. 
• Give her the attention and affection she craves. 
• Help her discharge negative emotions. 

1. When a child wants to be in charge, in control, to be the best, to win, to have the most, they are trying to make themselves feel better. Let’s give it to them! Create a game where you lose, again and again and again. Purposefully make yourself “the loser”. Act upset. Let’s say you are racing up the stairs and she beats you. Be dramatic about your failures. Playfully keep trying: “This time FOR SURE I’m going to beat you.” “This isn’t FAIR!” “I can’t STAND this.” Watch for your child’s laughter and delight. When your child identifies YOU as the obvious loser, she has no choice but to identify herself as a winner. 

 

2. Use her competitiveness to fill up her love tank. Right now, every time you fill up her love tank with attention and affection, she drains it with these negative beliefs she is carrying around. Play games where you are chasing her with hugs and kisses. “I need 5 hugs every day and you’ve only given me 1. I’m coming to get you and steal another hug. You can’t hide from me! I’m the hug monster!” 

Every time she does something that her baby brother can’t do, you reward her with playful affection. “You buckled your seatbelt all by yourself! You get 5 kisses!” 

When we are desperately trying to give attention and affection to our kids, it makes it hard for them to believe they don’t matter or they aren’t getting enough love. 

 

3. Sometimes we just need to get the yuck out. Your daughter’s been carrying around a lot of negative emotion and she might look for opportunities to release it. Maybe you pour orange juice instead of apple and she has a meltdown on the kitchen floor. Maybe her team loses and she blames herself. Maybe a referee makes a bad call and she goes into a tirade against him. See these emotional meltdowns as a healthy discharge of negative emotion rather than misbehavior. Be there with her. Hold her. Allow her to feel devastated, like the world is unfair. Reflect what you see and hear her saying, “It’s so hard to lose a game when you tried so hard to win.” Do hold your boundaries but do it with kindness, “I won’t let you back in the game until you’ve apologized to your teammate for yelling at her.” 

 

What your child needs is your steady confidence that her life will be good. To know that these emotions are real and valid, but temporary. That you aren’t going anywhere. That her emotions matter to you. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Believing the first six years of your child’s life determine their future. Have you heard these statistics? 

“90% of your child’s brain is developed by age 5!”

“A child’s experiences in the early years (positive or negative, nurtured or neglected) have long term impacts on the child’s health, ability to learn and succeed.”

“The amount of quality care, interaction and stimulation they receive in early childhood determines which brain connections develop and last for a lifetime.”

Statements like these turned me into a hyper-vigilant, freaked out, perfectionistic and very stressed out mom who would not take a break!  Being with my baby at all times, giving the right amount of nurture and stimulation, saying and doing all the right things, felt like a life or death situation. 

I believed my child’s success was in my hands and I sacrificed my mental, emotional and physical health for it. 

One of the great byproducts of life coaching for me was realizing how easy it can be to change one’s beliefs, feelings and actions. Discovering how to use life coaching to create a great life, took all the pressure off of ME having to do everything perfectly in order for my kids to be happy and successful. 

Nothing is set in stone. Neuroplasticity is amazing and learning how to change your brain in any direction you want is so empowering! If my kid is too perfectionistic or anxious and it’s stressing him out, he can change it anytime he wants! If my kid struggles to learn, but wants to get good grades, she can hire a coach to help make it happen. 

The tools of life coaching are amazingly powerful. When we start making important and helpful changes in our own lives, it gives us the confidence to see how our children can do the same. 

Believing that your kids brains are locked in by age 6 is today’s Supermom Kryptonite. 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Get your kids on the same team

When your child is competitive with their sibling, try to find opportunities to get them on the same team by making yourself the loser. 

“You BOTH beat me to the car! I lose and you WON? Oh, MAN!” 

“Let’s play the silent game. Who can be quietest the longest? Oh shoot, I just TALKED!” 

Lay down on the floor to wrestle with them both. Only let them pin you if they are working together. Then say, “Oh, no! You pinned me to the ground! Together you are too strong for me.” 

Another way to cope with sibling jealousy is to be mindful of balancing your attention.

Older children constantly hear us say, “I’ve got to get the baby.” We stop playing to pick up the baby. We ask our kids to hurry up so we can tend to the baby. 

Make sure your daughter overhears you saying to the baby, “I’m sorry baby, you’ll have to wait, your sister and I are playing now.” or “I’ll get you in a minute baby, I need 5 more hugs from your sister first.” 

 

Quote of the Day:

“The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behavior. The sign of truly great parenting is the parents behavior.” Andy Smithson 

Unfocused mental spinning

Unfocused and mentally spinning

Question of the Day:

Torie, 

"So often, I find myself spinning in circles. Not physically, but mentally. When I’m in my house with my kids, there is so much going on, so many demands, so many to-do’s, I feel overwhelmed. I want to feel focused and productive, but something happens to me when I’m in my house. I’m constantly doing things, but not feeling like I’m accomplishing things. This mental spinning is my Supermom Kryptonite. How can I snap out of this mental state so I can feel like I’m riding the wave instead of drowning in it?" 

Carina

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

This is a common problem for Supermoms, especially these days. We are stuck in our houses amidst messes, tasks, people and pets demanding our attention. We are constantly working but feeling so scattered that we don’t get the BENEFIT of work: accomplishment, productivity, and satisfaction. 

We believe we can’t stop or more work will pile up so we just keep spinning around in circles inside our own head. We think we can’t go outside to clear our heads or we’ll risk exposing ourselves to COVID. 

This is NOT a rewarding way to go through life! This “zombie mommy” mental state of not feeling fully ALIVE is stage 2 on the 4 steps to Supermom Burnout! Stop tolerating this unfocused mental state. You deserve to feel better than this! 

Everybody needs a life coach during this crazy pandemic year. Now is the perfect time to learn mind management techniques; which is what Carina needs. She needs to be the BOSS over her BRAIN and tell it what to focus on so she can feel better. 

Try a few different techniques and choose the one you like best. 

1. Breathe while focusing on your breath. 
2. Present Focus - Bring your attention inside your body and/or your immediate surroundings. 
3. Get moving - Every time you catch yourself in that negative spiral, do 5 burpees and 5 jumping jacks. Go for a walk or quick jog. Dance for 2 minutes. The movement interrupts the mental spinning and acts like a reboot for the brain.
4. Write things down. On my website I have daily journal questions to get you focused on YOU and your goals. 
5. Take a big picture perspective: 

• • Pretend you are on camera being filmed for a TV show. 

• • At dusk, go outside and look back into your house from the outside with the lights on. Notice how peaceful it seems to a stranger looking in.

• • Imagine being beamed up to outer space and seeing your life from above. 

• • Ask yourself, “Will any of this matter 10 years from now?” Or, “If today was my last day on Earth, how would I feel about this moment?” 

 

Left unsupervised, our mind will take us into many unpleasant directions. We’ve got to discipline the mind like it’s a naughty puppy. It’s chewing up shoes and peeing on the carpet, it’s annoying, but it’s innocent. This is just what puppies and brains do. 

 

Be firm with yourself. Say to yourself, “No, we are not going to go down that negative thought spiral about what a terrible mother I am. I am a good mom who is feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I’m going to walk away, take a break, refocus, and start again.” 

Use your calm, assertive energy on yourself. Discipline your brain.

You are in charge of it, don’t let it be in charge of you. 

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way? The Hebbian Theory 

The Hebbian theory is a neuroscientific theory claiming that an increase in synaptic efficacy arises from a presynaptic cell’s repeated and persistent stimulation of a postsynaptic cell. 

Better known as “What fires together, wires together.”

If you tragically lose a loved one in the fall, the feeling of crisp autumn air or the color of changing leaves may trigger a grief or stress response. This feeling of sadness can arise without any conscious awareness on your part. 

Whenever I sip my favorite cocktail, I am transported to the beaches of Hawaii. The taste, smell and texture of a Kahlua Colada immediately relaxes me. If I was to drink one of these cocktails at home, it would undo the wiring. 

I would ask Carina, or anyone else who finds themselves mentally spinning in their home, how often do you find yourself focused and clear headed in your house? Is it possible that mentally spinning has wired together with your home so that it’s hard for you to separate one from the other? If you were to recreate the same trigger (kids, house, school work, pets) in an Airbnb, would it be easier for you to prioritize and focus? If so, it’s time to rewire your home to become a place of relaxation and peace. 

The way to do this is to find ONE SPACE inside or outside your home that can be a place of clarity and calm. This can be your bathroom, a closet, a chair outside under a tree, or your car. Some 3 x 3 foot space to call your own. Make sure there are no visible tasks in this spot. If you are sitting under a tree looking at weeds that need pulling and lawn that needs mowing, turn around and face the tree. It needs to offer a sense of peace. Decorate your space with your favorite scented candle. Have a pretty journal there. Create a mini sanctuary in your home that is just for you to anchor yourself into peace. 

When you catch yourself feeling unfocused and overwhelmed, leave and go to your sanctuary to ground and re-group. Eventually, your calm, focused energy will rewire your brain so you can feel as calm in your own home as you do sipping Kahlua Coladas on a beach in Hawaii. 

When you catch yourself feeling unfocused and overwhelmed, leave and go to your sanctuary to ground and re-group. Eventually, your calm, focused energy will rewire your brain so you can feel as calm in your own home as you do sipping Kahlua Colada’s on a beach in Hawaii. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite: Multitasking 

Multitasking is today’s Supermom Kryptonite because it weakens our power. Trying to focus on two things simultaneously makes us move slower, reducing our efficiency and lowering IQ. 

This isn’t to say that you can’t DO two things at once, you just need to focus on one thing at one time. If folding laundry is easy and automatic, you may be able do it WHILE helping your son with his homework without any negative consequences. Doing the dishes may be a mindless activity that frees up enough attention to simultaneously cook dinner. But if you try to follow a new recipe, while helping with homework, you may find your attention getting pulled too thin resulting in decreased productivity, focus, and sense of satisfaction. 

 

Supermom Power Boost: A peace trailer

With COVID, many families have invested in RV’s and trailers for fun summer getaways. Well, just because fall is here does not mean it’s time to put away that trailer. My clients are discovering that having a trailer parked outside your house makes an excellent sanctuary for mom. 

One client called hers the “peace trailer”. In true Supermom style, she designated it as a place for her KIDS to go to regroup and find peace. I think it’s the PERFECT place for MOM to go to find peace. The trailer is easy to keep clean, is devoid of to-do lists and tasks so it isn’t triggering for mom. Memories that emerge in the trailer are (hopefully) from relaxed summer vacations.

 

Quote of the Day:

 “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” Mahatma Gandhi

My parents would not have put up with the crap my kids pull

My parents would not have put up with the crap my kids pull.

Question of the Day:

“My parents never would let me get away with the crap my kids pull on me. With one look I would have been silenced into obedience. What’s wrong with me that I have no control over my kids? How can I get my kids to respect and obey me the way I did my folks?”

 

Parent Educator Answer: Parenting Styles

Authoritarian Parenting:

• Strict and stern with lots of rules.
• “Children should be seen and not heard” (no emotions allowed)
• Demand blind obedience and mature, responsible behavior
• Consistent parenting with firm consequences when rules are broken.
• Prioritize children’s physical, emotional and social safety. Risk taking is discouraged.

Pro - This parenting style produces very well behaved children who (after a few years of teenage rebellion and some years in therapy) turn into productive members of society. These kids know what the rules are, and the consequences are predictable. Kids raised in the authoritarian parenting style learn to abide by social structures.

Con - Parents with the authoritarian style often use shame and threats to mold behavior. Kids learn that their natural tendencies (to express anger, exhuberance, or follow their inner compass) are inherently flawed. The feeling of worthlessness is common as is a difficulty feeling and expressing emotions. Eventually, these rule-following adults will find themselves unhappy and struggle to know what changes to make because they never learned how to trust their inner guidance.

 

Permissive Parenting:

• Very loving and affectionate, emotionally responsive.
• Provide few rules and guidelines, no demands on the child.
• Parents ignore a child’s misbehavior/Reject the notion of controlling children
• Expect kids to regulate themselves.
• Include children on big decisions.
• Give in to child’s demands
• Aren’t worried about safety, allow for natural consequences.

Pro - Permissive parenting can create a loving parent/child bond. These kids can become resourceful and confident enough to try new things. Have full access to their creativity and inner compass.

Con - Children raised without rules, struggle in our rule based society. They struggle with self discipline, respecting authority, happiness, financial responsibility, and social acceptance. Because permissive parents don’t regulate their child’s eating, these kids are more likely to be overweight. Children of permissive parents may approach new situations without trepidation, leading them to be more likely to experience substance abuse.

There are other parenting styles: free-range, helicopter, uninvolved. But the one I like to help moms strive for is the calm, assertive parenting style.

The calm assertive parent is emotionally attuned to her child. She has a reciprocal, responsive relationship that adapts to the needs of the child. She sees herself as the authority and believes in her ability to make her children obey, but doesn’t abuse this power. She is respectful of her kids temperaments, preferences and moods, but is also respectful of her own temperament, preferences and moods. This mom expects maturity and cooperation. She allows for natural consequences but also creates clear and predictable rules for behavior.

The calm assertive parent creates a home environment with love, respect, guidelines predictability and warmth. She doesn’t shame, threaten or emotionally manipulate. These kids are free to express their exuberance, joy, and creativity but with boundaries and responsibilities.

Pro - Kids raised by calm, assertive parents are more likely to become independent, self reliant, socially accepted, academically successful and well behaved. They are less likely to report depression or anxiety and engage in anti social behavior like delinquency and drug use.

Moms who discover their calm-assertive leadership energy are more likely to feel calm and confident while parenting their kids. They are less likely to feel overwhelmed by everyday life, more likely to take frequent breaks. These moms can take a “momcation” and trust their family to manage fine without them.

My hunch is the reason you don’t have as much control over your kids as your parents had over you, is that you don’t want to be an authoritarian parent. You want to have a good relationship with your kids. You may also be living in a culture that does not support authoritarian parenting. In the “olden days”, to have control over your children’s behavior was widely accepted as the best way to parent. Teachers, neighbors, relatives, everyone agreed on how well behaved children should act.

 

Life Coaching answer:

What gets in our way from calm, assertive leadership parenting? Take a look in the rear view mirror.

Our parents give us our “default” setting. If you ask your kid to clean up his stuff, and he ignores you, take a look at your gut response and see if it’s similar to your parents.

If you attribute your success in life to your strict upbringing, chances are you will follow suit.
If you were raised by very authoritarian parents, and you resented their rigidity, went to therapy and became aware of how it damaged your self esteem, you might declare “I am never going to be so rigid and insensitive”. Then, anything that looked like rules, discipline, and structure might make you recoil. You can end up doing even more damage to your kids with a permissive parenting style because of your resistance to owning your power.

It is worth it to take the time to decide the kind of parent you want to be. Think about the outcomes you want to have and parent in a way that is aligned with your highest self.

Let’s put this front and center in our minds. Join me for a 5-day Confident Kid Challenge.

We all want our kids to feel confident, but we forget that confidence comes from competence. Let’s build our children’s competency by requiring more of them. Whether you want them to take on more responsibility for online learning, keep their room clean, or start cooking meals, we’ll do it together inside the “Confident Kid Challenge”.

Sign up by going to www.lifecoachingforparents.com/confident

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Either/Or thinking

If you think disciplining children and setting boundaries is “mean”, and you want to be nice, this will drain your energy and keep you stuck. If you think, “My children should obey me no matter what”, and never allow for negotiations, maintaining this level of control will exhaust you. You don’t have to think in terms of “either/or” when it comes to disciplining kids. You can be both, loving AND disciplined. You can show your kids that it’s ok to exuberant AND obedient, by giving them a wide berth, but holding very firm boundaries.

As moms, It’s important to remember that we can be both: scared and grateful, joyful and outraged, firm and nurturing. This crazy COVID year is teaching us that we can be and feel all of things, in the same day, hour and minute. Let’s practice being fun and serious, reverent AND irreverent. We can crave alone time, and be lonely. It’s a weird world at a weird time. Let’s be all we can be and experience every last drop of it.

 

Supermom Power Boost - Board Games

One of the best ways to prepare kids the value of following rules is by playing board games. They won’t know they are learning but having to wait their turn, follow the instructions and learn how to win and lose gracefully is a great preparation for life. (Not to mention the fabulous math and reading skills they will gain without even realizing it.)

When the family comes together to play board games, kids enjoy the communal aspect of it. When they experience someone cheating, or bending the rules to suit them, it instills in them a sense of justice. Kids learn that cheating is wrong and unfair. When you uphold the rules of the game, even when your kid complains, cries or throws a fit, it teaches them to respect that life has rules we all must live by in order to maintain peace.

Go in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group and share your favorite family board games.

 

Quote of the Day:

“Having kids — the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings — is the biggest job anyone can embark on. As with any risk, you have to take a leap of faith and ask lots of wonderful people for their help and guidance. I thank God every day for giving me the opportunity to parent.” ― Maria Shriver

How do I model resilience about online school when I just want to cry?

Episode #80  How do I model resilience for my kids when I just want to cry?

Hi Torie,

I'm struggling with how I should model resilience for my kids, when I'm not feeling very resilient. I have 3 teens that are all doing online school starting tomorrow. I wish I could feel and model being more upbeat but I just want to cry :-(. Any advice? 

Thanks,

Sabrina

Parent Educator Answer: 

Let’s start by talking about what resilience is and why you’d want to model it. 

The definition of resilience from the Oxford English Dictionary is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties.” Resilience is a word that grew in popularity amongst child psychologists a few decades ago when they realized that trying to give kids “high self-esteem” wasn’t working. 

Resilient children don’t just bounce back from adversity, they bounce back with a positive outlook. It’s the difference between: “I failed the class because I didn’t turn in my homework. Guess I’ll turn my homework in from now on.”  and “I failed the class because I’m such a loser. I always forget my homework. Something is wrong with me.” 

In the second example, a student will either believe their negative self-talk and continue to prove it true, forgetting homework and failing more classes, or they will use fear and pressure to motivate them to never miss another homework assignment. Neither of these examples is modeling resilience. 

Resilient children recognize that we are all human and humans make mistakes. When we are resilient, we forgive ourselves for our mistakes and learn from them.

Resilient children accept the things they cannot control. When we let go of the things we cannot control and focus on what we do have control over, life becomes MUCH easier. 

The reason some kids don’t bounce back from hardship is that they pick up a negative belief and carry it forward. Something like: “Bad things always happen to me.” “Nobody cares about me.” This, we call these negative beliefs, “dirty pain”. Dirty pain will keep you stuck in negative emotions and cause you to feel like a victim. It’s awful! When you get coached on your “dirty pain,” you feel like 100 pounds has been lifted off your shoulders. 

Clean pain is a genuine emotion that feels healthy and healing. When your friend stops communicating with you, there is some clean grief around losing that friendship and the expectation that it would continue. You can let yourself be sad about it. 

If your friend’s lack of communication makes you pick up some dirty pain beliefs like “Nobody likes me” or “People I care about always leave me” then you want to rush yourself to a life coach ASAP before those beliefs become embedded and you create evidence to prove they are valid. 

Sabrina wants to know “How can I model resilience when I just want to cry?” 

The good news is that the best way to model resiliency IS TO CRY! 

LET YOURSELF BE SAD! 

Resilience is not putting on a happy face and forcing optimism.

It’s letting yourself experience the clean pain of disappointment. You expected your kids to have a traditional school experience with football games and after-school clubs. You expected school to offer close relationships with teachers and peers, dances, sports, and spirit week. IT’S OK TO BE DISAPPOINTED. 

When we try to push down this emotion and look at the bright side, it delays the healthy processing of emotions. If you can allow yourself to have your disappointment, the emotion will pass through you like clouds in the sky.

We tend to think there are good and bad emotions. Happiness and excitement are good; sad and disappointed are bad. 

This is not true. ALL emotions are good. When your dog dies, you want to be sad. The sadness feels like healthy, appropriate grief. This clean pain helps heal us. 

Let’s take this example: 

You KNEW your lacrosse team was set up for a winning season. OF COURSE you are going to be disappointed when it gets cancelled. You are going to miss your teammates, you’ll miss the competition, the traveling tournaments, etc. Feeling disappointed is the perfect emotion. If someone tried to talk you out of it and told you to look at the bright side, it would feel icky. 

We need to cry, grieve, and let go of our expectations before we feel READY to think positively. You don’t want to think happy thoughts until AFTER you have processed the negative emotion. 

My best advice to Sabrina on how to model resilience for her kids is to write a list of all the reasons why she is sad, and let herself be sad for each one. 

If a plane crashed, you wouldn’t have one funeral for all the passengers on board. It would feel impersonal and lack closure. We need to grieve for each individual person, honor their life, and show love for each family in order to experience healthy appropriate grief. 

I think the same is true for this pandemic and all it’s repercussions. 

Write down the specific things you are sad about. 

My list is long:

• Not getting to see my brother and his family this year. 
• Cancelling my trip to Europe.
• Not getting to watch my daughter play volleyball. 
• Not getting to help my friend who was sick with COVID

Respect each loss, one at a time. Cry and be sad. Talk about your sadness to your kids. Ask them about theirs. You might be surprised how different they are. 

Once you feel you are done grieving, re-adjust your expectations to fit the new reality. I think everyone deserves a life coach to help them through this crazy time. If you or your kids are stuck in some dirty pain, hire a life coach. Life coaching helps people let go of things that aren’t working for them, so you can smoothly and easily navigate change. 

Want to model resilience for your kids? 

Step 1: Grieve, cry, and be sad about each specific loss of expectation. 

Step 2: Accept things you cannot control, and re-adjust expectations to current reality. 

Step 3: Take the stigma out of hiring help. When you hire a life coach not because life is terrible, but because you value living joyfully and you deserve to feel better, your kids will learn that they deserve to be happy, too, and there are people trained to help create that.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way? Future Focus vs Past Focus. 

The younger we are, the better we tend to be at letting go and moving on. Sure there were a lot of high school seniors disappointed at how their school year ended up but it was A LOT harder on the parents! Moms, especially, took the absence of graduations and proms REALLY HARD where most teens bounced back quickly from this disappointment. 

Why does youth make us more resilient? 

The younger we are, the more in touch with our emotions we are. We can’t HELP but to let ourselves feel sad when we are sad. We cry more easily, we throw fits. As we get older, we learn to stuff these emotions down. We avoid them by scrolling on our phones, arguing, or drinking wine. Parents can take a lesson from young children on how to allow emotions to move through you. When you let your body move with it: cry, yell, stomp, vent, it’s over and done with. No dirty pain, just a clean release of pain. 

The other reason kids are better at handling disappointment than parents is that children and teens tend to be more future focused. We are always asking kids questions like, “Are you excited to move on to middle school?”  or talking about what life will be like in high school. We ask questions like “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Or “How does it feel to be one year older?” 

This constant focus on the future trains their brains to look forward, not back. We don’t talk to kids much about “Remember how great second grade was?” or “Don’t you miss your best friend from preschool?”  

This future focus helps kids move on from the past and look forward to what is coming up next. 

As we get older, we tend to be more past focused.  We remember their cuteness on the first day of kindergarten. We get sentimental about first day photos, lunch boxes, and field trips. We miss seeing their elementary school friends and don’t understand why they drifted apart. 

When we find out our kid’s school experience isn’t going to be what we expected, we think about all the things WE enjoyed that our children won’t be experiencing. 

Take a look at where your thoughts are wandering and see if you are past or future focused. 

I used to wonder why some moms cried at their kid’s milestones and graduations, and others didn’t. So I asked. “What are you thinking about that is making you cry?” Sure enough, sad moms thought about the past. Future thinking moms were focused on the next adventure awaiting their kiddo. 

The quicker you let go of what you thought this year was going to be like, the more you can adapt to the reality as it’s presenting itself: not good, not bad, just different. 

This pandemic is bringing up a lot of dirty pain for a lot of people. 

Another way to encourage resilience in your kids, is to help them connect with their spirit. Schools, sports, friends will come and go, but if kids have a connection with the part of them that is connected with the divine, they can find peace and joy no matter what happens.

You hear people say that everything happens for a reason. People like to think that because it gives them a spiritual connection to something bigger than themselves. I don’t abide by that philosophy because it doesn’t feel good to me when I see people suffering, but if it works for you, go for it. 

The philosophy I hold on to during this pandemic is that we are witnessing a transformation of human consciousness. While structures fall apart all around us, people are rising up, becoming more compassionate and more spiritually aware. 

Our ego does not like all the changes and lack of predictability, but our spirit stays strong. Slowly we are burning up the illusion that we were ever in control. 

We were always leaves blowing in the wind, we just didn’t know it. 

Now we are aware of how little control we have; which means our ego is letting go, while our spirit is coming alive. 

Holding this optimistic view keeps me out of despair or fear while things crumble around me. Only the ego is afraid because it knows it’s losing control. The spirit isn’t attached to any particular outcome or agenda. It just lives in continual creative response to whatever presents itself. 

Maybe the best way to model resilience is to learn from our children who are better at this than we are. Feel our genuine feelings, focus on the future not the past, and stay connected to spirit while dissolving the ego’s sense of control. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Trying to look at the bright side when you aren’t feeling it. 

We often resist negative emotions because we think we can’t handle them. We think, “I don’t want to open that can of worms!” so we avoid them. 

Pushing down emotions isn’t difficult, but it’s kind of like holding a beach ball underwater. Over time, we get tired or distracted. Inevitably, this beach ball slips out and comes rocketing back up to the surface with full force! Pushing down emotions can make them explode up with more power than the situation called for. 

When we avoid our own emotions, it makes it hard to allow our kids to have theirs. We can’t sit with them as a compassionate witness. We try to cheer them up or get them to think differently, so that we can feel better. 

When kids feel like their negative emotions aren’t ok, they will either….

1. Go hide in their room and try not to think about it. Suppress and avoid.
2. Share their feelings with someone else who “gets it”. 
3. Complain louder, getting even more dramatic because clearly you don’t “get it”. 

Trying to force you or your kids to be cheerful when your spirit needs to grieve, will drain your energy and make life much harder. 

 

Supermom PowerBoost - Solidarity 

Solidarity is defined in the dictionary as “unity or agreement of a feeling or action, especially among individuals with a common interest.” 

Solidarity makes us feel validated. I remember the first time I became aware of this. I was about 32, hanging out with a friend while our kids played at the park. I happened to mention that my husband and I hadn’t started saving money for retirement. I was feeling guilty and scared because everything I had heard or read said to start saving as early as possible. Then my friend, who I respected and seemed to have her act together, says they haven’t saved either! I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Suddenly all the fear and burden washed away! Why? It didn’t solve anything. I suddenly wasn’t a responsible saver with money in the bank! Why did it feel so much better to know I wouldn’t be alone in my cardboard box under the bridge? It’s weird, but it works. 

When we are suffering, we feel better knowing others are suffering, too. 

The good news is: There are always suffering people on the planet.

The bad news is: they don’t always post their suffering on Instagram. 

Social media can make us feel alone in our fear and pain because it’s filled with pictures of our friends feeling happy. When we feel sad and alone but no one else seems to, it can increase feelings of inadequacy. Help your kids feel supported by telling them about the struggles of others. This could be people you know who are having a hard time, struggles you had as a young person, or famous people your child looks up to. 

If your child is sad and you are always trying to get them to look at the bright side, they won’t feel supported. 

Give them the gift of solidarity by sharing your own grief, disappointment and struggle.

 

 

Quote of the Day: 

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved.  -Helen Keller

Is my child addicted to video games?

How can I tell if my child is addicted to video games?

"My 8 year old son is out of control. The only time he is happy is when he’s playing video games. I’ve tried to set boundaries and limit what and when he plays but he is so sneaky. When I tell him it’s time to turn it off, he gets violent: swearing, yelling, throwing things, completely out of control. I’m at my wits end with this kid. It seems to be getting worse. His cousins were with us for the last 6 weeks and just left. It could have something to do with it as he doesn’t like change but why can’t he just say he’s sad? When I try to talk to him he tells me to shut up and leave him alone.
The other night I found him up in the middle of the night trying to sneak on to Roblox. I took it away from him and he lost it. I just held him and told him we would figure this out and I’m sorry he’s having such a hard time. He cried and said he was sad. I felt like this was a victory but I still don’t know what to do. Today I gave him only ONE HOUR of video games and he was a nightmare after. How can I tell if my child is addicted to video games?"

Danielle

 

Parent Education Answer: Here are some signs to look for in video game addiction in your kids.

• Addiction Symptoms: Anger, lying, sneaking and manipulation to try and get more play time.
• An explosion of anger or aggression directed at the person who has taken away the game.
• Preoccupation with video games when not playing.
• Difficulty becoming absorbed in other activities. Seems restless or anxious until back in the game.
• Loses track of time while on electronics. Does not follow time limits.
• A change in mood. Cranky unless playing video games.
• Loss of interest in other activities.
• Declining interest in school performance, personal hygiene and/or difficulty sleeping.

It sounds like your son isn’t able to cope with video games at this point in time. Some kids, especially those with a brain centered difference like ADHD, get overstimulated and cannot regulate their bodies, behaviors or mood. The solution is a digital detox. A complete removal of electronic games until his brain matures and you know he can handle it.

Video games produce massive amounts of dopamine, the reward chemical in the brain that keeps us coming back for more. But the more time they spend on video games, the more tolerance gets built up, meaning they have to have more intensity, more excitement, in order to get the same level of dopamine they got in the beginning.

 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from giving our child the gift of a digital detox?

Life. Pandemics. Siblings. A need for sanity. Jobs. Online schooling. SO. MANY. THINGS.

In order to completely remove all video games from our child’s life, it requires a major upheaval to our lifestyle. So many of us are dependent on those games to occupy our kids so we can get some peace and quiet. To imagine life without video games, especially while so many other extra curricular activities have been taken away, sounds impossible.

Just like an alcoholic may need to reach rock bottom before acknowledging a problem. A mom might need to reach rock bottom before finally committing to a complete digital detox. Usually she will start by limiting the time spent. When even an hour per day is too much, it may be time to take it seriously and go cold turkey. No video games ever. No phones. No ipads. No xbox.

You can see how it goes having TV but keep it to slow paced, boring shows.

Learn as much as you can about addiction. Talk to an addiction specialist. Have an outside expert help explain to your son what’s happening in his brain and how you and his Dad are going to help him. Make sure your whole family is on board. By this point, everyone else in the family is aware of his behavior problems so they will understand the need for a detox. Make sure the siblings understand how much better their lives will be without video games around.

Brainstorm ideas with the whole family and make a list of fun activities: board games, puzzles, outings, etc. Think about things close to nature: camp in the backyard, swim, walk in a creek, build a campfire, etc. The best way to do a digital detox is to spend lots of time outside. Nature is always in harmony so when we are in nature, it entrains our brains to move into harmony also.

He may need something intense to engage his brain. Try to help him engage in learning a new skill: skateboarding, building with K'nex or a 3-D pen, hip hop dance moves, etc.

Have other people lined up to help give you a break: babysitters, out-of-work camp counselors, teens or college students. .

During your digital detox, let go of your expectations to clean house, cook healthy, or have things go smoothly and happily. This is a difficult challenge to undertake but the reward of a happy, healthy kid is well worth it.

Expect your child’s behavior to get worse before it gets better but know it is worth it to get your boy back. You will be witnessing the detoxification effects and it won’t be pretty. He does not like feeling out of control with his mood, emotions and behavior anymore than you like it. The long term benefit here outweighs the short term inconvenience.

Use this as an opportunity to become closer as a family. When we fully accept our children as they are and adapt to their changing needs, we feel peaceful and proud of ourselves.

 

Supermom Kryptonite: Thinking he can handle “just a little bit”.

There is a reason why alcoholics anonymous suggests complete abstinence. If you are addicted to alcohol, the sight, smell and sound of it starts the dopamine release. Once your brain starts pumping those chemicals, it CRAVES more. Suddenly you are hooked and the lying, manipulating, sneaking begin.

Gambling addicts don’t work in casinos. Porn addicts struggle to feel satisfied in real relationships. It is much easier to detox from electronics when it isn’t an option at all.

I would not keep these games or controllers in the house at all. I would store computer and ipads at a friend’s house. I would take any games off my phone. Even seeing a device or knowing it’s in the next room can keep him hooked in and his brain producing dopamine.

This is another reason why nature is helpful. When camping at the beach or in the woods, he will have no association with electronic devices and you will start to see glimpses of your sweet boy returning to you.

Supermom PowerBoost:

Sometimes emergencies are nice because they take us out of mind clutter and immediately help us prioritize. When we can look at situation like yours and think, “My son is struggling. His behavior is a cry for help.” We feel compassionate, motivated and put on our Supermom cape and get to work.

This superpower and it’s a wonderful skill to have, but it isn’t sustainable. As you are planning your digital detox and preparing activities for bored, anxious kids, make sure you also are scheduling breaks for yourself. With this much intensity, a two hour break isn’t going to cut it. Try and give yourself one day a week all to yourself, or a whole weekend. Hire someone to entertain your kids without electronics. You will need to refuel your tank in order to not give in to your child’s addiction.

 

Quote of the Day:

“In an agricultural society, or during a time of exploration and settlement, or hunting and fathering--which is to say, most of mankind's history--energetic boys were particularly prized for their strength, speed, and agility. [...] As recently as the 1950s, most families still had some kind of agricultural connection. Many of these children, girls as well as boys, would have been directing their energy and physicality in constructive ways: doing farm chores, baling hay, splashing in the swimming hole, climbing trees, racing to the sandlot for a game of baseball. Their unregimented play would have been steeped in nature.”
― Richard Louv, Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder

Scared to start my own business

"I'm crazy for even thinking this!"

Today's Question:

Dear Torie,

I’ve been thinking and am curious about starting my own business but I'm nervous. It would be a service based business like yours, but it seems impossible with all that is going on. I’ve been a stay-home mom for the last few years, but I find I’m a little burned out on it. I have no idea what’s happening with the kids school next year or how I would find the time to work on something new. I don’t know who would do all the things I currently do around the house! It’s not like I sit around all day with loads of free time. I'm crazy for even thinking this!

Extra money would be nice, but I can’t say I NEED to earn income. There is no logical reason to start my own business but this nagging voice in the back of my head hasn’t gone away. Is it a good or bad idea to start a business as a transition out of being a stay-home mom? How can I know if this is an idea I should move forward with or not?

Angela

 

Life Coaching Answer

This has been a surprisingly common topic lately, and so exciting! I love to hear women thinking bigger, putting themselves out there, believing in themselves just enough to dip their toes into the world of entrepreneurship.

You ask, “How can I know if this is an idea I should move forward with or not?” I can tell by the way you wrote the question that you are not a serial entrepreneur. You are not the kind of person who throws money at every “get-rich-quick” scheme that comes your way.

We can never know if our idea is the “right” thing. Nor can we know if this is the perfect time. Plenty of bad ideas have been tremendously successful and many great ideas never got off the ground. The thing to focus on isn’t if it will be successful, because there are no guarantees.

You need to focus on what you already know:
You know you are getting bored and burned out on life as a stay-home mom.
You have an idea that hasn’t gone away, despite you trying to talk yourself out of it.
You feel nervous when you think about it.

I don’t know if you can hear it in your question, but I sure can! This fear is a sign that you are on the right track. If I was going to start my own business painting houses, it wouldn’t scare me because it’s not aligned with my soul’s calling. If I fail at a house painting business, who cares? Not me. If I tell people I paint houses, I don’t fear social rejection or weird looks. The business can fail or succeed but it doesn’t affect ME.

If, however, I am starting a business that is very aligned with who I’m meant to be on this planet, it feels TERRIFYING. To say out loud, to the world, “THIS IS ME! THIS IS WHO I AM!” feels ridiculously vulnerable. If my business fails, it feels like I have failed. If someone thinks it’s lame, I make it mean that I am unworthy. To stake your claim, to stand up and tell the world that this is the value I have to offer please tell me I’m worthy by paying me money, is HORRIFYING!

When you feel “called” to a profession, it doesn’t feel like sunshine and roses. It feels like throwing up and hiding. Most people deny this call at first. Doing everything else they can think of to avoid it. “Shadow careers” that bear a close resemblance but aren’t quite as vulnerable as what you really want to be doing. Investing time and energy into raising children is a socially acceptable way to avoid answering the call. The way you know it’s a calling and not just a fun idea is that it won’t go away. It keeps nagging at you. All your attempts to dance around and avoid it don’t last.

The purpose in you pursuing your calling isn’t about creating a perfectly successful business, it’s about the person you get to become in the process of following your dream.

It sounds like you are at a crossroads. One path is the one you’ve been taking, raising great kids, taking care of your family. Nothing wrong with continuing along this path. You will get lots of support from our culture who admires a self-sacrificing mom. This path may get boring and tedious. It may drain your energy and you may even resent your family someday for consuming so much of your time, energy, and spirit. But it’s easy and familiar.

The other path is not easy or familiar. It is scary as hell. You don’t know where it’s going to lead. It feels exciting, interesting, compelling, and very vulnerable. You don’t know how you are going to find the time. You don’t know whether it will be successful or not, but it will get you hopping out of bed in the morning! It’s energizing and exciting, but uncertain.

If you imagine yourself eighty years old, sitting in a rocking chair on your front porch, looking back on your life, which path will you be glad you took? If you took the scary path, what would be your reason? If you took the safe path, what would be your reason? Right now, both paths sound uncomfortable, so you might as well take the path you won’t regret with a reason that is in line with your values.

Being a stay-at-home mom is the perfect place from which to start your own business. You aren’t trying to replace an income, so it eliminates that pressure. Your body is busy, but stay-home mom’s often have some mental space and creative bandwidth. It’s really hard to imagine the logistics of how your schedule will look, but you’ve got time.

Once you start pursuing your calling, you will be AMAZED at how much energy you have! IGNORING a calling is a huge drain so once you commit to moving forward, the excitement and enthusiasm for your new pursuit will make child care issues and household chores seem easy to overcome.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Obeying sexist cultural programming

Even in 2020, women get a lot of messages about sacrificing themselves for their kids. When we stay home to cook, clean, and take care of the kids, we get approval from our culture. Obeying this expectation feels safe. Putting our dreams and ambitions on the back burner while raising our kids feels like a good and noble thing to do.

There is a cost to blindly obeying this unspoken sexism: unfulfilled moms and stressed out kids.

Ignoring ourselves is one of the reasons today’s kids feel so much pressure coming from their mothers. If we are going to put our lives on hold, it better be for a damn good reason! We judge OUR success as a mom based on our children’s successes. Deep down, we know we aren’t living up to our potential but it’s more comfortable to focus on helping our kids live up to their potential.
It’s hard enough being a kid without the scrutiny, pressure, and never quite being good enough to make mom’s sacrifices worthwhile.

The solution is to commit to your VALUES. Would you tell your daughter not to pursue her dreams because her husband didn’t support them? Do you want to believe that it is more important to support men’s and children’s ambitions than women’s? Is it ok for a man to take time by himself, to golf and travel, but a woman should be available to the kids 24/7? Is having a clean home really more important than living your best life?

Playing small in our lives is obeying some very old sexist programming. Yes it feels scary to go after our dreams and pursue our ambitions, but living a small life of regret is pretty scary, too.

 

Supermom Power Boost - Do one thing that scares you every day

I remembered the day I decided I would conquer my anxiety. I was in Yosemite, one of my favorite places in the world, and I couldn’t enjoy it because my thoughts and fears that something bad was about to happen had taken over my brain. Not being able to enjoy climbing boulders in beautiful yosemite valley made me determined to stop avoiding and start living.

I checked out every book my library had on overcoming anxiety and I learned a lot. But the mantra that helped me the most came from Eleanor Roosevelt: “Do one thing, everyday, that scares you.” From that day on, I incorporated this philosophy and it completely transformed my life from small and fearful to exciting and adventurous.

Today’s Supermom Powerboost is to do one thing every day which scares you. It doesn’t have to be anything big.l Maybe it’s trying a new drink at Starbucks, switching to almond milk, doing a Bollywood dance video, attempting a Tik Tok, asking a neighbor to go for a walk with you, going camping someplace new, or going for a long bike ride without your phone.
Doing small, scary things every day expands your comfort zone making you feel more comfortable with changes. This will help tremendously as you try to make bigger changes that are aligned with your essence, but might feel very vulnerable and open to cultural backlash.

 

Quote of the Day:

“When you stretch into your full potential, you will feel afraid, not ready yet, not possibly qualified enough. If you do the thing anyway, you will find out how ready you are.” Tara Mohr

Am I ruining my children?

Am I ruining my children? 

Dear Torie,

I was already stressed before this COVID-19 lockdown, now my impatience and crankiness have reached new levels. I’m constantly snapping at the kids and having trouble seeing them in a positive light. I love them, but I don’t feel loving when I look at them. All I see is what they are doing wrong. I’m constantly riding them: “Turn off the screens! Comb your hair. Clean up your stuff. Be nice to your brother.” They must be so annoyed by me. All they want is for me to play and be happy but I just can’t. How do  I know if I'm ruining my children by being such a mean mama? 

Ava

 

Parent Educator Answer: 

We adults have these magnificently critical brains that are wired to keep us and our families safe. This bias we have towards focusing on the negative has helped keep our families alive for generations. In our current world however, this ability to hyperfocus on the negative and ignore the positive can lead us into despair. We have very few immediate threats to our physical existence but MANY perceived threats to our well being. This keeps our brains focused on the negative as a way to protect ourselves and our families from harm. 

I know when I harp on my kids to bathe, brush, be nice, and turn off screens, it’s because I am perceiving danger. Either it’s them “rotting their brains,” them being rejected by society, or me being viewed as a failure. My brain thinks that pointing out all the things they are doing wrong is somehow keeping us all safe from harm. This is a PERCEIVED harm but I’m reacting to it as though it’s real, important, and needs to change right away. 

An unmanaged mind will take you into dark, scary places. It will make you act in a way that is misaligned with your values and who you want to be. Now, more than ever before, it is imperative that we all learn to manage our minds. So much change is happening all around us. Our brains perceive change as scary. When we act from fear, we aren’t aligned with our values. Our HIGHER selves know the mom we want to be. We don’t want our kids to be afraid or annoyed by us. We want them to look back on their childhood with joy and laughter. But our LOWER fearful brain keeps us from being that person. 

You cannot be in love and fear at the same time. You say you love them, but you don’t feel loving when you look at them. This tells me you are in fear, not love. In order to switch from fear, to love, you will need to manage your thinking. 

We all need to take responsibility for the energy we create in our homes. This is not the same as feeling guilty. Guilt doesn’t do anyone any good. Taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions is empowering (guilt is disempowering). When we recognize that left to its own devices, our brains will steer us into ugly places, it’s important to DECIDE with our higher brains, what we WANT to think about. 

Sitting in the driver’s seat of our brain and steering it in the direction we want it to go is not easy. It takes time, compassion, and someone else pointing out our blind spots. It’s one of the most valuable benefits of having a life coach help you to improve your life. 

Right now, you can make a decision to focus on what you love about your kids. Even if your brain can only find ONE thing to love about your obnoxious teenager, train your brain to focus on that one thing. “I love his sense of humor.” “I love the way she fights for what she believes in.” The important thing is to focus your attention on what you love. What we focus on expands. As you focus on what you love, the fearful part of your brain calms down, allowing your attention to wander into even more loving places. 

When you parent your kids from a place of love, not fear, you become more aligned with the mom you want to be: happier, kinder, and more loving. 

When we WANT to be loving and kind, but aren’t being who we want to be, our higher self will use negative emotion to try and get us back into alignment. 

 

Life Coaching answer: 

What gets in our way from steering our brains into positive loving thoughts and away from fear?  A thought like “I am ruining my children”.

Even though you worded it as a question, not a thought, it’s still a TERRIBLE question to ask! Notice how you feel when you think “Am I ruining my children?” 

Guilty, heavy, ashamed?  When you feel this tremendous weight on your shoulders, how do you act? Lethargic. Snappy. Overwhelmed with life. 

This question only leads you to more stress, guilty and negativity. 

What does it even mean? “Ruining my children” How would you know if you RUINED your children? Isn’t it a bit disrespectful and presumptuous to judge someone else’s life as RUINED? 

Do you know any parents who were amazing and wonderful, but still had a kid who headed down the wrong path and made a mess of their life?  If not, read the book Beautiful Boy for perspective. 

Do you know any parents who were total deadbeats but the kids still turned out to be productive members of society? If not, read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls or Educated by Tara Westover to expand your perspective. 

Our current culture puts a lot of pressure on moms to do everything perfectly and if anything goes wrong, to blame “bad parenting”. This pressure is toxic to ourselves and our children. We need them to be exemplary in order for us to feel like we are doing a good job raising them. This is creating a generation of stressed out kids and unhappy mamas. 

It is IMPOSSIBLE for you to ruin your children. Yes you are an incredible influence on them, but they are not putty in your hands. They have their own inner wisdom, personalities, drives, emotions, and perspective on the world. Take the pressure off yourself and notice how wonderful they are without you having to do anything at all. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Being overly responsible

One thing my Supermom clients have in common is an over-active sense of responsibility. 

Does this sound familiar? 

1. You work hard to make plans for your family and lose it when things don’t go as you planned.
2. You get annoyed by the irresponsibility of your family members. When they drop the ball, you take the responsibility onto your shoulders. 
3. Your attention is constantly on your to-do list, Always reminding yourself of things you “SHOULD” be doing better or different. 
4. You feel TIRED, GUILTY, ANNOYED and ANXIOUS a lot of the time. 

Our culture rewards responsibility but taken too far, responsibility robs us of our ability to enjoy the exact life we worked so hard to create. 

I just had three days by myself and it was heaven. The following three days were spent with my daughter and her two friends inside our “germ circle”. I noticed I wasn’t enjoying myself as much with them here as I did by myself, even though my activities hadn’t changed at all. I realized I was taking on responsibility for how my daughter’s friend’s were experiencing the weekend. I worried about whether they were having fun, or missing home. Were they hungry? bored? annoyed? Cold? Hot? 

This level of responsibility would have been appropriate if they were toddlers but these are teenagers who are perfectly capable of speaking up for themselves, entertaining themselves, Feeding themselves, and managing their own body temperature. I love hosting gatherings but this “over responsibility” plagues me and keeps me from enjoying my own events. 

If you are overly responsible, learning how to manage your mind is SUPER important if you want to increase the quality of your life. 

• Notice all the times you are “in someone else’s business” worrying about what they might be thinking or feeling, trying to control or manage their behavior. Awareness is the first step. 
• Labeling it is the second step. Whose business am I in when I’m worried about whether my kids are having fun on vacation? Whose business am I in when I’m trying to manage my mother-in-law’s opinion of my kids? 
• Let go of all the things that are outside your control. You control the rules you set in your house. You decide what and how to reinforce the consequences. But your kids decide if it’s worth it to them to follow these rules or not and accept the consequences. You can set an example of a healthy lifestyle, schedule opportunities for your kids to be active, but it’s up to your kids to decide if they want to emulate you or not. 

It is freeing to let go of the things you cannot control and only focus on the things you do have power over. 

 

Supermom Power Boost - Taking 100% responsibility for your life

Once we let go responsibility for other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions, it frees us to take responsibility for the things we CAN control. 

There will always be limitations. You are a woman of color in a racist society. Your child has a disability or neurological difference that makes learning a challenge. Your kids would rather TikTok than hike with you. Accept reality as it presents itself, then make the most of your life. 

If your kids are behaving in a way you don’t like, assume you have the power to change it. Not by feeling guilty, blaming, or telling yourself it’s all your fault, but by taking responsibility for your part in it. 

Focus on YOUR thoughts, YOUR emotions, and YOUR actions. 

Your child is constantly asking for more video game time. This is HIS business, not yours. He gets to decide what interests him and what he asks you for. He can ask you 100 times a day to play video games, that is not a problem. But you can take responsibility for your part in this situation. 

What are YOUR thoughts about his asking? “He should want to play outside” “He should listen to me when I tell him no”. How do you feel when you think those thoughts? Annoyed and angry. How do I act when I feel annoyed and angry. I argue with him. I engage in a debate, giving him my (negative) attention and energy.

Just by YOU changing how YOU react to your child, you can effect this situation. You decide you are done with this argument and you aren’t going to engage with it anymore. He still asks to play 100 times a day but you decide this is boring. You yawn, you ignore him, you change the subject, you give him a hug. Eventually he will learn that there is no payoff for him. No excitement, no argument, no caving in to his request for more time. This is totally within your power. 

The way to know if you are taking responsibility for your actions and yours alone, is by how you feel. Taking 100% responsibility for your life will feel empowering. Being overly responsible, beating yourself up for things that you have no control over will feel DISempowering. 

Pay close attention to how you feel and you will know whether you are on the right responsibility track. 

 

Quote of the day:

“Remember, you and you alone are responsible for maintaining your energy. Give up blaming, complaining and excuse making, and keep taking action in the direction of your goals – however mundane or lofty they may be.” – Jack Canfield

Tired by 8:00am

Tired by 8:00am

Question of the Day: 

“I’m sure everyone is struggling during this Coronavirus lockdown so I feel a bit self indulgent asking for help on this. For the last few weeks, or months, who keeps track anymore, I’ve been struggling and I don’t know why. I have no reason to complain, my kids aren’t toddlers anymore, they can fend for themselves. I’m better off than many moms, but this morning I looked at the clock and realized... I was exhausted. It was 8:00am. My day hadn’t even started yet and I was already tired. Since your podcast is called Supermom is Getting Tired, I thought maybe you could help me understand what could cause me to be so tired after just waking up from a full night's sleep? “

Dianne

 

Life Coaching Answer:

When I was a kid, my Dad had a medical book I loved that would ask you questions about your ailments as a way to help you diagnose:

Do you have a cough? Yes or no.

Is the phlegm yellow? Yes or no.

Do you have a fever? If yes, turn to page 512 to learn more about…….

When clients come to me who have general fatigue or overwhelm and they aren’t sure why they have it, I take them through a flow chart, starting with the basics:

Do you get enough sleep? yes or no

Do you get enough physical rest? yes or no

Most of us get TOO MUCH physical rest these days. Only once have I had a client who was a bit addicted to exercising. She was convinced she needed to run, bike, and swim multiple times during the day, even when her body was telling her to rest. 

I am not a medical doctor so I would never advise you on your physical health. If you get enough sleep, enough physical rest, and your doctor can’t find anything medically wrong, let’s move to the next two questions. 

Do you get enough psychological rest? 

Do you get enough spiritual rest? 

Most of my clients would answer no to these questions. 

 

Psychological rest is a quieting of the mind. When your mind is racing with all the things you need to get done, constantly putting pressure on you, telling you that you aren’t doing enough, it is exhausting. The brain can easily fixate on worrying about the future, mulling things over from the past, or both. Many Supermoms yearn for the feeling of being present. When we are present, our mind goes quiet. For most of my clients, focusing on the current moment sounds luxurious and, oftentimes, impossible. 

 

Spiritual rest comes when we are congruent with who we are meant to be, living in alignment with our highest self. If you love being active outside in nature but you spend your days stuck on the couch with a breastfeeding baby and a sleeping toddler, this creates spiritual unrest. If you come alive in front of an audience and love the energy a crowd of people generates, but are stuck behind a computer in your home office, it creates spiritual unrest. Many Supermoms can reconnect to their spirit by focusing on their own goals, dreams, and passions beyond raising kids. 

I’m going to assume Dianne is like most of my clients and would answer NO, she does NOT get enough psychological and spiritual rest. 

 

The next question to help answer the question, “Why am I tired by 8am?” is….

Do you have everything you’ve ever wanted? 

Is everything going well for you right now? 

If yes, check out the book The Big Leap by  Gay Hendricks. In it, he coins the phrase “upper limit problems” to describe the negative emotions and self sabotaging experiences we create when everything is going well. It sounds strange, but I’ve seen it enough times to believe it: too much happiness makes us uncomfortable. We feel guilty, we play small or minimize or self-sabotage our way back into our comfort zone. When we are in this state of resisting joy, we worry, we feel exhausted, we get sick or injured, anything to return us to our comfort zone. If this sounds like you, breathe and allow these upper limit problems to be there without resistance as you slowly increase your tolerance for joy. 

If the answer to “Do you have everything you ever wanted?” is a NO, the next question is...

 

Are you putting a lot of pressure on yourself? 

I’ve talked before about the 3 P’s, “Perfectionism, People Pleasing, and Pushing to power through.”

If the first 30 minutes of your day is focused on everything you HAVE to do, NEED to do, SHOULD do, you will be exhausted by 8am. Undoing the habit of self pressure isn’t difficult, but it does take concentrated time and effort.

You might ask, “Isn’t that just pressuring myself to not put pressure on myself?” YEP! When Supermoms discover the negative effects of self pressure and how to overcome it, they often use this as another thing to beat themselves up for. “I should be more relaxed and grateful” or “I need to be better about meditating and journaling.” The self pressuring habit will suck the fun out of life, keep you from taking risks, and teach your kids that obligation is more important than personal happiness.

Hiring a life coach who understands this tendency will give you energy, enthusiasm, and freedom like you never knew was possible. Schedule your free discovery call here.

 

What percentage are you giving vs. receiving? 

For many of my Supermom clients, this answer is they give 80-95% of their time, energy, and attention.

There is a term called “attentional fatigue” that is used for ADHD kids to describe the mental exhaustion experienced after trying to pay attention to things that don’t interest them. I think this is a perfect term to describe the type of exhaustion many moms feel after a day with the kids. When your attention is constantly being pulled outside of yourself, “Hey Mom, listen to me!" "Hey Mom, look here!” we become starved for our own attention.

Your energy goes where your attention goes so naturally this 90% giving, 10% receiving will be exhausting. Next time you get a break from the kids, watch where your mind wanders. If your attention is STILL on other people, even when you are physically alone, you need some mind management techniques in order to get your energy back up. Schedule your free discovery call today!

 

Is there something you are avoiding? 

When we are trying not to think about something, or not feel something, it is exhausting. When you make peace with your past, mend relationships, and overcome your anxieties about the future, it will give you an immediate energy boost. 

 

Are you bored?  Have you stopped growing? 

Just because we have kids, doesn’t mean our lives are supposed to stop. We are meant to continually grow, learn, and expand into better versions of ourselves. Perhaps you LOVED being a stay home mom with your first two kids, but by the time your third child started walking, you lost your enthusiasm. Life felt a little boring. Been there, done that. You feel guilty not giving your third child as much time and attention as you gave to your older two. Your spirit is ready to grow. You long to go back to work: to get dressed up, be around people, and feel productive again. Keeping your spirit locked up when it’s ready to fly will always create exhaustion. This is how your higher self motivates you to take action. 

 

Are you arguing with reality? 

Wishing things were different than they are will always make you tired.

Thinking thoughts like, “My child should obey me” when he clearly isn’t obeying you, is exhausting.

Wishing this Coronavirus wasn’t here, or that people would wear masks in public will keep you spinning in a frustrating circle.

Arguing against a child's diagnosis with thoughts like “I should have been able to fix this by now” or “What does she have to be depressed about?” or “This shouldn’t be happening” are exhausting thoughts that lead us nowhere.

Accepting reality as it is right now, is the fastest way to make positive changes. “What about this problem is perfect for me?” is a great question to ask. Learning to believe that things are happening for your best and highest good will give you a more energizing perspective with access to your creative brain. 

 

Supermom Kryptonite: Not asking for help

 

Supermom Power Boost - Learning how to dream

 

Quote of the Day: 

“Gradually I came to see that I was just worrying for the sake of choking the flow of positive energy in myself. Worrying was one way I was Upper-Limiting myself.” Gay Hendricks from The Big Leap

How to motivate myself?

Dear Torie, 

“I’ve got so many things I want to do with my life but I get frustrated at my inability to follow through. I have a business on etsy that I haven’t touched for a year, not to mention countless craft projects. I keep saying I’m going to start this exercise challenge, but I haven’t made it past day three. I want to join the protests against police brutality and teach my kids to stand up against it. I donated and bought books about systemic racism, but I’m afraid it will end there instead of really pursuing action. I have home improvement projects that I think about but never get around to. I could keep going with all the things I want to do, but these unfinished projects make me feel lazy and unproductive, even though I hardly ever sit down. I work from dawn to dusk, so it’s not like I have any extra time. I’m tired of wanting to change my life but not knowing how to make that happen. How can I motivate myself?”

Grace

Parent Education:

Imagine life like a buffet table filled with many possibilities. So many appealing items to taste and enjoy.  When everything on the buffet looks appetizing and appealing, you want to taste it all. But if you ate everything you wanted from a buffet table, you would find yourself tired, and overwhelmed. When we try and take a bite from every item on the buffet table of life, we make ourselves sick.

 

What’s the best way to handle the buffet table of life?  When you are young, you want to try lots of different things. You can’t just LOOK at a buffet table and know what you want to eat. You’ve got to participate. This is why we put our kids in sports, scouts, swim lessons, Science camps, and encourage creative pursuits. Tasting things helps us decide if we want to eat more or less of that item. 

 

By this time in your life, you’ve tasted enough of the buffet of life to know the general idea of what you want to eat more of. The next step, is to decide what foods are most nourishing and delicious to you before you even approach the table. 

 

For this we need to compare your surface desire with your deepest desire. Our surface desire wants chocolate, wine, and ice cream. Our deeper desire is to feel healthy, energetic, and connected to our body. When you align with your deeper desire, you know exactly what to eat. 

 

Think about your home improvement projects, your social activism, your business, crafts, and exercise goals. What is the deep desire that you think these projects will give you?

What is the feeling that you are yearning for? Are you hungry for growth and forward momentum? Are you craving mental clarity, contentment, and calm?

What is your deepest desire?

Then choose which ONE thing is going to give you the feeling you crave. If you could take productive action on one of these pursuits, which one would be the most rewarding? Which one scares you the most?  Which one feels the most risky but exciting? If you could accomplish your goals, which of these pursuits would you be most proud of following through on? 

If you imagine yourself ten years from now, which of these will you be most grateful that you accomplished?  

 

Life Coaching Answer: 

Now that you know which item from the buffet table of life you want to pursue, it’s time to introduce you to your “Resistance Monster”. 

The resistance monster can take on many forms. Mine sounds very thoughtful: “People need me. I can’t just do what I want, I need to help others.” 

Other monsters can sound like self care: “You are tired.You don’t want to work out.You had a hard week.Let’s just take a little nap and then exercise.” 

Others just like to delay: “I’ll do it tomorrow.Later.I’ll get to it just not right now.I’m busy.” 

Some just wanna have fun: “Who cares?Let’s party! How about a glass of wine? That sounds boring.” 

Some say your actions aren’t big enough: “If you are going to do it, do it right. You must be successful.Small steps won’t cut it, you need to be impressive.What you are doing isn’t enough.” 

Others like to play small: “I don’t need more money / more love / more fun / more success / better friendships.I should just be grateful for what I have.Something’s wrong with me for wanting more than I have.” 

Others futurize and catastrophize: “Something bad could happen! Everything is good now, but soon the other shoe will drop. I know I’m going to fail so why try?” 

Some resistance monsters like to compare & despair, “No one else struggles with this like you do.” “Something is wrong with you.” “Everyone else is better at this than you are.”

  

The way to overcome your resistance monster is to “know thine enemy”. Expect it to come along for the ride. Say hello to it. Draw a picture of it. Have conversations with it.

Resistance will always show up when you are going to do something new that is good for you. The more aligned your goal is with your soul’s calling, the more resistance you will experience. If you decide to eat a donut everyday, you aren’t going to get resistance. If you decide you are going to meditate everyday, expect to be avoiding that mediation spot, distracting yourself with everything you can think of, checking social media, the weather, how many covid cases there are, ANYTHING to avoid the one thing that will give you what you want. 

 

What’s the point of the resistance monster? Why does it have to be there? 

 

I think it comes up to help us build the skill set we need to take us to the next level. When people find INSTANT success, sudden fame or wealth, or lose weight quickly, they often don’t handle it well. We need to build our capacity to handle success when we’ve grown accustomed to the struggle. We need time to shift our identity and view ourselves as a fit, balanced, healthy, wealthy, savvy, creative business woman who deserves all good things. 

 

Learning to recognize and overcome your own resistance is the greatest work we all do. The more we try to change and grow, the better we get at it. Figure out what your deepest desire is, and let it override all your surface level desires. Make a plan on how to accomplish your goal. Stick to that plan no matter what and watch your resistance monster do its song and dance trying to distract you. Say, “Hello resistance! I see you and hear you. Your opinion is noted, but not welcome. I’m going to do it anyway.” Then do it, and reward yourself for it with praise. Tell yourself how proud you are of overcoming your resistance monster. 

In the end, it’s not about the money, weight loss, or social activism, it’s about who you become in the process of pursuing your goals. 

Kryptonite: Too many priorities

A priority is something that is more important than anything else. Many Supermoms can find themselves with too many, sometimes competing, priorities. My kids, my career, my marriage, my house, my friendships, my health, my spiritual connection, my volunteering…. TOO MUCH!  

 

Having too many priorities is a kryptonite, because it leaves us feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and inadequate. If your priority is to raise happy kids and they cry and cling everytime you try to go out and get some exercise, you are going to feel frustrated and stuck. I suggest choosing ONE priority at a time. 

 

You KNOW you are going to feed your children. You KNOW the dishes and laundry will eventually get done. You KNOW you’ll show up for your work meeting and do a decent job. Some things have moved to automatic pilot and don’t require your attention. This is great news. Figure out which things you can move to the back burner and don’t let them take up any mental real estate. Then choose ONE goal that you deeply desire that will bring up your resistance monster and focus on that. 

 

Use your mental power to overcome resistance to following through on this one goal. Once it becomes part of your routine and habit, demote it to the back burner and focus on something else. Don’t try to change too many areas of your life at the same time. It makes for a great TV show (thanks for the new season Queer Eye!) but in real life, it will make you feel like a loser for not accomplishing all of your goals at the same time. 

 

Power Boost: The one thing that changes everything. 

 

Sometimes, there is one thing that changes everything. If you can figure out what this is, it’s a gold mine!  For me, for many years, listening to and reading self help books always put me in a good mood. I could escape the chaos in my mind and home, by listening to optimistic, good hearted people teaching me how to improve my life. It made me feel empowered and on top of things. 

 

Now, it’s yoga. If I start my day with 20 minutes of yoga, it gives me physical energy and mental clarity. This daily practice takes care of my aches and pains, helping me focus on the task at hand. I sleep better because my back doesn’t hurt. I feel proud of myself for overcoming resistance. 

What’s the one thing that changes everything for you? 

Maybe it’s earning more money? Maybe it’s stopping drinking? Maybe it’s improving your relationship with your husband? 

I was teaching a values exercise one day where the instruction was to rank a list of 20 values according to your priorities. Instead of listing them in first, second, third order as I had intended, this Supermom put “Time by myself” in the middle of her paper and moved all the other values to outside edges of her paper. She said, if I don’t get time to myself, nothing else matters. This was her one thing that changed everything. 

Think about what your one thing is, make a plan, and say hello to your resistance monster.  If you need help bridging the gap between where you are, and where you want to be, hire a life coach! That’s what they are trained to do! You will be amazed at how powerful a few life coaching sessions will be!

Quote of the Day: 

“Any act that rejects immediate gratification in favor of long-term grown, health, or integrity will elicit Resistance. Resistance will tell you anything to keep you from doing your work.  To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be.” Steven Pressfield

Link to Steven Pressfield's books

Black Lives Matter

This week I am muting my voice (or at least dimming it down) to help amplify the voices of women of color. I am allowing myself to be uncomfortable while I learn and grow. I want to be in the arena, taking risks and creating positive social change in our country. I want to help end systemic racism in our country. I want be on the right side of history and that starts with changing myself and my habits. I am listening, learning and taking new risks that are in alignment with my values. I invite you to join me by listening, learning, following and donating to these organizations.

www.blacklivesmatter.com 

www.colorofchange.org

75 things you can do to for racial injustice  (includes recommended readings for your book club)

Anti-Racism book list for kids and adults 

Instagram #amplifymelanatedvoices

The King Center - online protest

Podcast: Into America - White Accountability 

Podcast - How to be anti-racist