I want to feel appreciated even when my spouse is critical

Episode # 64  I want to feel appreciated - coaching session

We all come to parenting with an invisible manual of what makes a good mom. This manual contains beliefs like:

Kids get good grades, eat healthy well-balanced meals, and are respectful and obedient.

Moms keep a tidy home, organized and cook delicious meals. Moms are patient with their kids, creative and love every moment of parenting their children.

When we don't think we are living up to our perfectionistic picture of what a "good mom" should be doing, we feel guilty, inadequate and put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be better.

 

This anonymous client, wants to feel appreciated even when her husband makes a critical comment.

When he criticizes something, she feels like she's not measuring up. She worries that her husband thinks he made a mistake when he married her.

 

Circumstance - Husband makes a critical comment

Thought - I'm not measuring up. He made a mistake by marrying me

Feeling - scared (brain goes into the fight, flight or freeze response)

Action - compare & despair, pretend everything is ok, tell herself I shouldn't be so sensitive, try extra hard to be perfect, withdraw love from husband, put pressure on, ignore own needs.

Result - You both are in critical brains instead of coming from love.

Marriage is unpredictable. We have no idea what's going to happen in the future. All we know is in the past he chose to marry you, and right now, he is choosing to stay married to you.

Circumstance - Husband makes a critical comment

Thought - I can love him.

Feeling - loving, affectionate

Action - What do you LIKE about the meal? Shift both of your brains out of criticism and into love. "What's the best meal you've ever had?"

R - Feel more loving and generous. Both enjoy the marriage more.

 

When you are in fear, you also can't feel loving. Release the fear and you both get to enjoy feeling loving towards one another.